Update: Telltale revealed today that the game will hit PSN today (!), and XBLA, Mac, and PC tomorrow. No word yet on the iPad edition. Looks like they made their deadline!

The Walking Dead game is amazing. If you haven’t yet played it, you really should be. It’s on nearly every console (nearly, sorry Wii owners), as well as the iPad.

Whatever device you choose to play on, the game is a fantastic mix of adventure, action, and horror. At the end of each episode, I’m itching for more. Each of the chapters so far has been perfectly paced, with drastically different stories and events. It’s intense as hell and really gives you a feeling of dread for the future of these characters.

We still have no release date for episode 3 (subtitled Long Read Ahead). Telltale planned it for the end of August, which is nearly upon us, so hopefully we hear something in the next few days.

They have, however, just released a trailer for the upcoming chapter. Check it out below!

Side note: Episodes 1 and 2 are free right now for Playstation Plus members. If you’re a member and still haven’t played, you really have no excuse!

Did you know that a prequel to Psycho was in the works?

Bates Motel is a new TV drama in the works from A&E. The 10 episode first season is set to air sometime in 2013.  Little information has been released about the series, but we do know that Carlton Cuse (Lost) and Kerry Ehrin (Parenthood) will write and produce.

Deadline learned today that actress Vera Farmiga (Source Code, The Departed) will portray Norma Bates. This is the first time the living character will appear onscreen.

What do you think of this? Do you think she’s a good fit for the part? Are you mad the series is even being made? Planning on checking it out? You have seen Psycho right?

Vera Farmiga

She’s at least a lot prettier than the last time Norma was on screen!

Old Norma

 

American Horror Story was definitely one of last years more interesting new shows.

The show revolves around a dysfunctional family uprooting their existence and moving to Los Angeles in an attempt to prevent their lives from falling apart.

The Harmon family of course get more than they bargained for, and slowly discover (some sooner than others) that many of their new homes former inhabitants met very tragic ends, and even still reside there.

This series was not perfect. It had its share of issues, but the good definitely outweighed the bad, and I found it to be a gripping tale that kept me coming back for more. Plus a lot of it was creepy as hell.

Great performances, great style, and a great atmosphere were some of the series strongest points, and I’m hoping that translates to this years offering, which is an entirely new story.

FX has started viral marketing for the next season of the show. It started with a series of creepy teasers (watch here), and now they’ve released some unsettling teaser posters. Check them out below!

Season One will be available for rent or purchase on September 25. Season Two premieres on October 17.

Source: EW

Image 1

Image 2

Image 4

Image 3

Who remembers that fake trailer for Thanksgiving that Eli Roth directed back  in 2007 for Grindhouse? Well, it appears that the talk that Roth would be turning that trailer into a full-length movie are true! In a recent interview with Behind The Thrills, discussing The Goretoreum, Roth let out some details regarding the movie. Already the fake trailers for Machete and Hobo With A Shotgun have been turned into full-length films and Roth is now letting us know that Thanksgiving is next in line. Roth will team up with Jon Watts and Christopher D. Ford (Robot And Frank) to get a screenplay going for this project. He has recently worked with the two on the movie Clown, a horror film that Roth is producing.

“Dude, it’s gonna happen. I’m working with the CLOWN writers on it. We have a call scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Jeff Rundell, my co-writer and I have a very extensive treatment. We finally cracked the story and how to make it really really scary, and the reason to do it, and I’m really excited about it. So the CLOWN script was one of the best scripts I’ve ever read, and we’re like ‘before Jon [Watts] shoots CLOWN, he has a window.’ Chris Ford, who’s movie ROBOT & FRANK just opened… Chris and John are going to write the screenplay with me and my partner Jeff, so we’ll have a screenplay soon.”

Roth expects to have a draft soon, but at the moment it is unclear who will direct, if not Roth. Now, all we need is some news on Don’t being made into a movie right? Maybe it’s just me on that one.

Source: Behind The Thrills [via Bloody Disgusting]

Both Sam Raimi (who will be producing) and Bruce Campbell (who will be making a cameo appearance), who are on board with the upcoming remake of The Evil Dead, are giving the film their thumbs up. The remake of the 1981 classic, will focus on “five twenty-something friends become holed up in a remote cabin where they discover a Book Of The Dead and unwittingly summon up dormant demons living in the nearby woods, which possess the youngsters in succession until only one is left intact to fight for survival.” A plot that doesn’t differ too much from the original but replaces some of the characters with new ones. Raimi recently discussed the upcoming remake with Collider. During this interview he revealed that the film is really bloody and really “goes for it” and that we should definitely expect an R rating on it.

When asked if this movie will be  just as bloody as the original or it they’ve toned it down for a PG-13 release:

It’s really bloody.  It’s so bloody, it will make your head spin.  I’ve seen almost all the dailies and they’re really going for it.  It’s gonna be grisly and intense and non-stop.

Regarding the rating of the movie:

Definitely R.  Maybe worse.

On his level of involvement and what fans can look forward to:

Well, I always thought that Evil Dead was a little campfire story that you tell at a camp to kids to scare them at night.  But, I don’t think anybody thought it was a beautifully produced, theatrical experience.  It was shot in 16mm, all the effects were done for a quarter, and I always thought it could be done in a big screen movie type way that was really high quality with photographic effects.  It could still be just as gritty, but it could be done in stereo and not just mono, and it could be done in 35mm versus 16mm.  There were a lot of ways to improve it.  There could be much better writing than I was capable of, at the time, as an 18-year-old kid writing that screenplay.  And honestly, the directing could be a lot better, and the characterizations could be better.  I was very happy with it, but it was something that was crudely done and I thought deserved re-exploration.  I thought it would be fun and, in fact, it has turned out to be a tremendous amount of fun because it’s like an old melody that you write and you’ve brought in this really great, cool, young, hip jazz musician, and he’s riffing on it and showing you places it could go that you never dreamed.  It’s very exciting for me.

So, with both Raimi and Campbell being excited for this movie…are you?

Evil Dead hits theaters April 12th, 2013.

A remake of Evil Dead is coming whether some fans like it or not. Trust me, there are plenty of fans outraged by this film happening. However, I am not one of them due to the fact that both Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi are on board with this so at the moment I have faith in it. The legendary Bruce Campbell who we all know as ‘Ash’ from Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead recently discussed the upcoming remake with Digital Spy. He reveals some interesting new info, such as the fact that we will see none of the original characters from the original film and that this will be an entirely fresh new take on the franchise. So, fans that were worried that this would just be the same movie shot by shot can take one sigh of relief.

On just how different this one is to the previous movies:

There’s none of the original characters. We didn’t want to compare apples with apples. It’s a contemporary movie – just like Evil Dead was contemporary in 1979, this is contemporary for young adults now. It’s basically five new kids who are going to have a really bad night with a brand new director – Fede Alvarez, who was handpicked by Sam Raimi. I’ve seen it already; I think it’s definitely fabulous.

Does he think fans will embrace this remake:

We’re really excited and really behind it, [but] it’s going to take a bit to get the Evil Dead fans behind it. We know we’ve pissed a lot of them off. We appreciate that and we appreciate their anger and their zeal, but the only thing we want to impress upon them is that we didn’t screw it up. This is going to be just as memorable as [the original] Evil Dead without being the same movie.

You don’t want to remake something shot-for-shot. I can’t believe they remade Psycho – what the hell kind of a waste of celluloid is that? It’s a creative medium.

The nice thing is the film looks beautiful. The effects are 10 times better than we ever had access to and the actors are all better than we were in 1979. Though granted Sam Raimi is a mad genius, so we got a crazy result like Evil Dead out of this amateur enthusiasm sort of thing.

On the subject of whether or not he will make a cameo and if he would ever be willing to play Ash again in the future:

I’m not at liberty to discuss that. But the thing is we want it to be a standalone movie. You’re going to have some references [to the original] in there and there’s going to be things the fans will enjoy as far as familiar aspects, but it’s a whole new ball game.

I’ll be honest with you, I don’t know if I could – the last one was 1991. I was a virile young man; I’m 54 years old now so I’m not sure 54-year-old guys need to be doing that s**t anymore. But if Sam wants to lace the boots back on and do something that makes sense, that’s fine. We may need to do the movie one day, if our careers fly off the tracks and we crash and burn, we might look at each other and go ‘Let’s make an Evil Dead movie’!

His thoughts on the current trend of remakes and reboots:

Well I’ll be honest with you… I’m not a fan of them. So I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth. Here I am remaking a movie at one end… but here’s my spirited defense – it’s our movie. Myself and Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert, we own that movie, it’s our movie. We’re not looking into some file drawer of some property that’s owned by a studio that’s 30 years old, that we can get for cheap and [saying] ‘Let’s remake that’.

Our only obligation to the viewer is that we don’t give them a piece of s**t. It’s going to wind up being a very handmade movie, Fede Alvarez is so far from being a hack – we didn’t get some 18-year-old director who just wants to make his movie look cool. We got a guy who is an adult.

I think people will be pleasantly surprised that it’s not something that was cranked out, where no-one gives a crap. We were involved in casting, we were involved in everything. We’re all over that movie like a cheap suit, so if it blows it’s our responsibility.

Evil Dead hits theaters April 12th, 2013.

The Amityville movies are in general pretty terrible. This would be because they’re based on a hoax (theoretically) and adapted from a book that wasn’t very good. I recently took the time to sit down and read the Amityville Horror and it’s a terrible read, yet a very interesting read at the same time.

After reading the book I wrote a short essay on my opinion of the book as a whole in my blog Pure Mattitude. You can read the whole thing if you want but I’ll give you a quick exert from my essay.

I’m not going to lie, after reading it I’m convinced that the events of the book really happened. I say that in the sense that no one could fabricate something this fucking boring and try to sell it as exciting unless it really happened.

The books “paranormal activity” involve “Windows breaking during a storm”, “car trouble” and “going to the same bar as the person who murdered his family a few years earlier”.

This awful and dull book lead to a feature film and 8 sequels. They are all pretty bad to the point of painfulness. Sadly due to the fact that pretty much all the movies are terrible people don’t really recognize the only one that’s moderately interesting; Amityville Horror II: The Possession.

You see while the first Amityville Horror is based on a very potential hoax and all the other sequels are simply made-up stories Amityville Horror II is the only thing based on a proven event, the DeFeo murders.

Now for the sake of creative liberties the names were changed to the Montelli family but the film is based on Murder in Amityville by Hans Holzer. The book (later renamed Amityville: Fact or Fiction?) tries to propose that Ronald Defeo Jr was possessed when he murdered his family.

The movie enters some dark and demented elements like a violent and abusive father as well as an incest filled relationship between brother and sister. But we’ll get to that in a second. First let’s go through the plot a bit.

When the Montelli (aka the Defeo’s) family moves into the Amityville house thinks get weird right away. Windows start opening and closing, paintbrushes come to life and paint hateful messages on the wall and eldest son Sonny starts hearing messages in his walkman.

Dolores asks the local priest to bless the house but his driven away by the abusive and violent husband Anthony (played extremely over the top by Burt Young). While the family goes to church so Anthony can apologize their eldest son Sonny (Son… Sonny… ugh) becomes possessed. HIs first act as a now demon possessed teenager is to bang the shit out of his sister (who is played by Diane Franklin aka Monique the French exchange student from Better Off Dead so really… who can blame him?).

As Sonny falls deeper into the possession his face begins to take on a more demonic appearance (because hey, it worked in The Exorcist). Eventually he’s driven to murdering his entire family on his birthday.

The young priest from earlier takes interest in Sonny an believing that he is possessed decides to exorcism him. While he may not be cleared of his murder charges, Sonny will be able to be himself again. The film ends implying that the priest is now possessed, if he is we won’t ever find out because the next sequel was a 3-D film about a demon living in the basement.

These final 30 minutes is what I find most interesting in this film. The demonic make-up is top notch during the final exorcism sequence. Sonny is caked in slime, contacts and rotting features. While the exorcism isn’t on the same level as other famous exorcism sequences (aka The Exorcist), it’s still quite good. While much of the sequence where Sonny’ becomes possessed is pretty absurd, the special effects and makeup remain quite impressive.

All in all the movie’s not terrible. There are some slow points and some of the performances leave something to be desired. Burt Young’s performance of the violent, abusive and cruel father for instance constantly walks the line between frightening and hilarious. The first scene in which he bites the youngest child and then beats Dolores when she tries to protect them is genuinely disturbing. On the flip side (just 10 minutes later) when he’s beating a child and screaming at the priest the sequence is so outrageously cruel that you find yourself chuckling a little.

On the opposite end of the spectrum Jack Magner’s performance of Sonny Montelli is quite energetic and well done (particularly given how ridiculous the possession sequence was shot). Sadly his only other performance was as “young serviceman” in Firestarter. I don’t even know if he is still alive as his IMDb page has little to no information on him.

In one of the more ridiculous moments of cinema history stemmed from the resolution of a lawsuit. George Lutz (the real life ‘victim’ of the first Amityville Horror) intended to have the sequel be based on the book Amityville Horror Part II. The book by John G Jones has the tagline “The terrifying true story continues” but then has a disclaimer stating “This book is a work of fiction, the author created this story”. When producer Dino De Laurentiis went with in a different direction Lutz attempted (unsuccessfully) to sue. However Lutz did win the right to put posters in theaters informing everyone this film has “no affliction with George and Kathy Lutz” (because you see an Amityville horror film for them and not a possessed and demonic house).

While the movie had mixed and negative reviews some critics (shockingly enough Roger Ebert) did see this as an improvement on the original (because it is). However the movie debuted at #1 it’s opening weekend and opened the door for Amityville everything (including possessed clocks and dollhouses). The Amityville Horror series is undeniably the worst horror franchise out there, but you still shouldn’t write off this particular sequel.

I attempted to be raised on Tales From the Crypt when I was a wee fledgling.  It didn’t work—my father was too obsessed with subjecting me to terrifying doll movies and Wings.  Since that time, I’ve always had this soft, very unfulfilled, spot for anthologies that I attempted to placate with terrible, terrible marketing ploys put on by the SyFy Channel and others.  It was a sad time in my life, full of suffering.

Then, one magic day, I was invited to see V/H/S.

V/H/S is a found-footage horror anthology put together by a list of rising horror directors: Adam Wingard, David Bruckner, Ti West, Glenn McQuaid, Joe Swanberg, and Radio Silence.  That last one isn’t a person –it’s a group of people—in case you were concerned that Frank Zappa had a fifth child.

What makes V/H/S unusual when it comes to both the found-footage and anthology subgenres is that it doesn’t suck.  Sure, some of the shorts are better than others, but none of them are terrible and the collection as a whole doesn’t have that typical “Well, one out of three isn’t entirely bad…” ratio.

V/H/S’s tales are encompassed by a larger tale in Wingard’s Tape 56, which tells the story of a small posse (and it is a posse) of young hoodlums who are paid to break into an old man’s house and steal a particular video tape.  This might prompt you to ask two questions:

1. What makes this video tape so special?

2. Who the hell still uses video when DVDs are available?

What the boys are told about this video tape is “they’ll know it when they see it”—which is waaaaay too elusive and mysterious for me.  But they go along with it and start digging through the hordes of tapes this old man has in his house, with each of them retreating to watch a tape on their solo, and it is in this clever way we get to watch the rest of the anthology, retreating back to the Tape 56 story between each short.

My favorite, hands down, was Amateur Night.  Directed by Bruckner, this short follows a trio of young men hitting the town… with a catch.  One of the men has a miniature video camera installed in the center of his heavy black hipster frames, with the hope of snagging some naughty, back-at-the-hotel-room-post-trolling-for-hussies-at-the-bar footage.  Needless to say, as this is an anthology of horror and not of porn, their night is less than stellar.

Ti West’s Second Honeymoon is next, and follows the tale of a young couple via their hand-held video camera as they drive around the middle of nowhere (Arizona) on their honeymoon.  While I love West’s other work, this one was the weakest of the set for me—lacking the supernatural element the others all contain.  It wasn’t that it was bad –not at all–, it just didn’t fit properly, a jarring note.

In Tuesday the 17th (Glenn McQuaid) a daytrip goes awry when one of the oddest (and freakiest: half Bigfoot, half Silent Hill radio static, half Jason Vorhees for 150% freak factor) monsters begins quickly killing off a group of teens one by one.  My amusement in this short is that the male lead, “Spider”, is played by Jason Yachanin—the star of Troma’s Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.  His counterpart in both movies is a girl named Wendy.

Another strong piece is Swanberg’s The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger.  Talk about a mind trip.  The found-footage angle on this is interesting as well—it’s a recording of video chats between Emily and her long-distance boyfriend, James.  Emily is a bit of an oddball, while James appears to be the steady one in their relationship, trying to care for her through the internet as ghosts begin visiting her apartment.

The last in the set is 10/31/98 (Radio Silence), which is a recording of the Halloween adventures of a group of four friends as they explore a festive “haunted” house that turns out to actually be haunted.  The effects in this were stellar and the house concept was gorgeous, but my main beef with this short is that it should have been a movie on its own.  So much was jammed into a brief span of time that it felt more like a plot-spoiling trailer of something that could be really awesome.

So if, like me, you’ve spent most of your life in a gaping void wishing for a decent horror anthology, check V/H/S out.  Pro tip: if you don’t fall into that category, you should probably see it anyhow so when your cooler friends bring it up at parties, you can actually contribute to the conversation.

 

You can catch V/H/S in theaters on October 5th, or you can watch this awesomefest on Video On Demand on August 30th.

For all you gore and horror fans out there, Christmas has come early! Eli Roth’s brainchild, GORETORIUM, will be opening September 23rd on the Las Vegas strip, right across from the Cosmopolitan and the City Center.

“The GORETORIUM will be a destination for both horror fans and tourists from around the world, 365 days a year”, Roth said. “We are creating the most intense live terror experience a person can have, incorporating the latest technology with old-fashioned scares…No matter how many haunted houses you’ve been through, you have never been through anything quite like the GORETORIUM.”

Set in a vintage hotel, that is said to rival many Hollywood backdrops, is a multi-level maze full of terrors that tell the tale of Sin City’s most deadly and mythical hotel and casino, The Delmont. Around every corner you will encounter past hotel victims and the cannibalistic serial-killing proprietors as you make your way through the lobby and horrifying labyrinth of the self-guided tour.

Once you’ve had your fill of blood and guts, you can head over to “Baby Dolls.” The 60’s inspired lounge will offer magnificent views of the City Center alongside zombie go-go dancers. Stay long enough and you’ll be treated to a “live feeding.” If watching dead, half-naked girls eating flesh isn’t really your thing, you can always grab a drink at the to-go bar, “Bloody Mary’s.” And if all this murder business is making you feel romantic, or maybe it’s the drinks mixed with some bad decisions, you can even head over to the Wedding Chapel to get married. What girl wouldn’t want to be married in a blood stained room?

If you are too excited for what’s to come and have already started planning a trip out to Vegas, you can purchase your tickets in advance on the official site and get more information from the Facebook page. Check out the promo trailer to see what disgusting delights will be waiting for you!

When The Lost Boys came out, twenty five years ago this past week, it wasn’t even #1 at the box office. It came in at #2, behind The Living Daylights, the 007 movie starring Timothy Dalton that almost no one really likes anymore. In fact, The Lost Boys never reached the top of the box office heap in its entire theatrical run. And yet the pop culture legacy of The Lost Boys is ultimately much greater than most movies that came out that year, proving that in the long run, it doesn’t always matter who comes out as number one in that first weekend.

For all two of you reading this who don’t already know (or more likely, were too young to remember) The Lost Boys is director Joel Schumacher’s 1987 movie about two teenagers and their single mom (Dianne Weist) who move to the California seaside town of Santa Carla (a barely disguised Santa Cruz) only to find the town the secret nesting ground of teenage vampires who look like they all belong on MTV’s Headbanger’s Ball. In order to defeat them, Sam (Corey Haim) and Michael (Jason Patrick) team up with local teenage vampire hunters Edgar and Allan Frog (Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander, although they would prefer you just call them the Frog Brothers.) As a horror movie, The Lost Boys isn’t particularly scary, and it isn’t even the best vampire movie to come out that Summer (that award goes to Near Dark, which coincidentally starred Jason Patrick’s younger brother Joshua John Miller) but it is funny, charming, and always entertaining, and there is an undeniable appeal about the entire movie that makes it perfect watching on a Saturday afternoon year in and year out.

The Lost Boys wasn’t a major blockbuster when it came out, even by 1987 standards (it made $32 million back in the day, which is around $63 million in today’s dollars. Decent for an R rated horror flick, but nothing to write home about) And yet its shelf life extended far beyond its relatively brief theatrical run that summer. As soon as it hit cable and home video, that’s when the movie really took off. The Lost Boys went on to be one of Warner Brothers top selling movies of all time, far outgrossing whatever it made in the theaters as a home video perennial. And the movie was on constant rotation on HBO and Showtime for what seemed like years. All these factors went on to make The Lost Boys something of a mini-classic, as well as a total time capsule of its era of 80’s cheese. Death by stereo anyone?

“Sleep all day. Party all night. Never Grow Old.Never Die. It’s Fun to be a Vampire”. Best movie poster tag line ever?

The Lost Boys has a special significance for me as a budding horror geek, because it was the first horror movie that I ever saw in the actual theater. In the summer of ’87 I was thirteen years old, and had already seen a good amount of horror movies on cable television when my parents weren’t around, not to mention at various friend’s slumber parties. But buying a ticket for a PG movie and sneaking into an R rated one was a right of passage, and Lost Boys was my first (I believe the movie I bought a ticket for was Innerspace, for what it’s worth) I had already become a vampire aficionado thanks to constant re runs of Fright Night on HBO, but Lost Boys sealed the deal. I was a vampire fan for life from there on out.

The Secret Origin of the Lost Boys

The first screenplay for Lost Boys was written by screenwriters Janice Fischer and James Jeremias, and featured “a bunch of Goonies-type 5th-6th grade kid vampires”, with the Edgar and Allan Frog characters as “chubby 8-year-old cub scouts.” The character of Star, ultimately played by Jamie Gertz, appeared as a boy instead of as an older female love interest. The original concept centered around the idea of Peter Pan and his tribe of lost boys as vampires. The vampire connection was mostly based on the idea that Peter Pan could fly, made visits to the Darling family only at night, and never grew old, so they must in fact be creatures of the night. In one of the early scripts, Kiefer Sutherland’s character of David was originally named Peter, and other characters also had names from J.M. Berrie’s story. The Peter Pan connection was ultimately far less explicit in the final product, despite the title of the movie remaining. Goonies director Richard Donner was set to direct, (which probably explains all the similarities to Goonies in that first script) but due to his commitment to making Lethal Weapon around the same time, the project was turned over to director Joel Schumacher.  Schumacher had the smart idea to turn the the little kids into teenagers, among other things. While Schumacher’s style was glossy Hollywood 80’s to a T, but that same style that was so wrong years later for the  Batman franchise was exactly what Lost Boys needed to be memorable.

The Legacy of Lost Boys

Without a doubt, the legacy of Lost Boys continues to this day. By the time the 90’s rolled around, the ultimate success of the modestly budgeted teen vampire flick gave way to bigger budget  A- list vampire movies like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula and Interview with the Vampire. The mix of comedy and vampires also led to Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino’s From Dusk Till Dawn. The movie might be the first time that a mainstream Hollywood movie really pushed the notion of the vampires as the sexy, desirable ones and not just as the villains; in other words, you can find the DNA of Lost Boys even in Twilight , but let’s try not to hold it against the movie. I mean, they couldn’t have known. But perhaps the biggest influence of the movie would ultimately be exhibited by a ditzy blonde cheerleader with a wooden stake named Buffy Summers.

The Buffy Connection

Of all things pop culture influenced by The Lost Boys, there probably is none greater than Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Although it has never been made explicit by Joss Whedon or anyone else involved with the show, the influence of Lost Boys on Buffy has got to be pretty significant. Both stories are set in small California towns that have reputations of being “the murder capital of the world” and a secret haven for the undead; The Frog brothers, a couple of teenage vampire hunters who seem to be the only people in town who know the truth about Santa Carla, are also a proto-version of Buffy and her Scooby Gang, also the only people who know the demonic truth about their hometown of Sunnydale. The teenage vampires’ lair in Lost Boys is an old hotel that got swallowed up into the ground by the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. In the first season of Buffy, the Master Vampire’s lair is in a church similarly buried in the ground by the very same quake. Then there’s Kiefer Sutherland’s character of David, a bleach blonde, motorcycle riding, trench coat wearing  bad boy type of vamp who had to be at least the physical model for the character of Spike on Buffy, if nothing else.

Kiefer Sutherland’s David and James Marsters’ Spike are clearly products of the same vamp gene pool.

The Two Coreys

Of course in the eyes of many, the most significant contribution to pop culture from the movie many would say is the first teaming up of those two giants of cinema, the two Coreys, Feldman and Haim. After their time together in Lost Boys came a series of movies starring the two together like License to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, and a bunch of others you’ve probably never heard of. And then came bouts with drug addiction  (and eventually reality television) for both of them. Feldman would kick his habit, but Haim ultimately succumbed to his. But in the minds of a million Gen X-er’s, the two teen idols became synonomous with one another for forever, and it all started with The Lost Boys.

The Lost Girls: The Sequel That Never Was

Warner Brothers tried to develop a sequel to The Lost Boys almost right off the bat, but for whatever reason could never get all the right pieces together. A script was written by Jeffrey Boam, who is one of the credited writers on the original, that centered on Corey Haim’s character of Sam. Taking place not long after the original film, Sam Emerson is still in Santa Carla and in summer school. His brother is away at college presumably now, and his mother is on vacation (as a way not to pay Jason Patrick and Dianne Weist no doubt and keep the budget down) he is left to live with his Grandpa and all his eccentricness. Eventually a new vampiric threat would entangle Santa Carla, female this time, and Sam and the Frog Brothers would band together to take care of it. SPOILER for a movie that never was–the new head vampire would have turned out to be Kiefer Sutherland’s David character, who apparently didn’t die at the end of the original. For some reason this movie never happened, and I have to wonder if Kiefer Sutherland just plain refused to come back.

Warner Brothers would ultimately produce two extremely cheesy and cheap straight to DVD sequels in the last few years, Lost Boys: The Tribe and Lost Boys: The Thirst. Both were awful, but ultimately I’d rather they make these quick and cheap straight to video sequels than make a remake with whatever hot CW actor they can find in the lead. At least the sequels were so under the radar as to not tarnish the legacy of the original film. Still, I expect an announcement any minute now about the original movie being remade. Frankly, with Twilight mania, I’m shocked it hasn’t already.

The Lost Boys isn’t on the level of being regarded as one of best horror films ever made, or even one of the best vampire films ever made for that matter. But it has such an undeniable charm that has made it a fan favorite for twenty five years now. I know I will keep pulling it out to watch every year or so, and when this movie turns 50 and no one left on Earth remembers it but me, I’ll still be watching it and laughing at the same cheesy jokes that I laughed at when I was thirteen and actually thought they were funny. *ahem* Once again, death by stereo anyone?

Horror reboots are quite popular these days and a few years ago there as  talks of Hellraiser getting one Pascal Laugier set to direct. But since then the project has had quite a bit of bad luck. The director left the project, the company owning the rights was forced to develop a direct-to-video sequel in order to keep the rights, and that was not well received at all thus leading up to the project being cancelled. Well, fans that were for seeing the reboot (trust me…this series needs it after all of the awful sequels we saw) have some reason to hope! Artist Paul Gerrard and director Mike Le Han have teamed up to produce a teaser trailer for their version of a Hellraiser reboot, and plan on  pitching it to the studio in hopes of having it made. And they have even released some concept art for us to see what their vision would look like!

Source: JoBlo

Reports are comning in that Wes Craven and Steve Niles are working on a new graphic novel together titled, Coming Of Rage. It was created by Craven (The Nightmare On Elm Street, Scream) and written by Niles (30 Days Of Night, Criminal Macabre). It also appears that Live Free Or Die Hard producer Arnold Rifkin and Liquid Comics CEO, Sharad Devarajan are working on bringing it to the big screen already. The adaptation is expected to be helmed by Craven.

Coming Of Rage will be released by Liquid in 2013 as both a five-issue comic series and as a graphic novel. While there are no details at the moment as far as the story…you can tell by the promo image that it will definitely be in the horror genre. Liquid Comics plans to have additional digital elements for iPads and iPhones to compliment the publication.

Source: Deadline

Check out the first trailer for Silent Hill: Revelation which looks just as creepy as the first movie.

Heather Mason and her father have been on the run, always one step ahead of dangerous forces that she doesn’t fully understand, Now on the eve of her 18th birthday, plagued by horrific nightmares and the disappearance of her father, Heather discovers she’s not who she thinks she is. The revelation leads her deeper into a demonic world that threatens to trap her forever.


Silent Hill: Revelation
hits theaters on October 26th.

Kids, you’re going to have to forgive me for this review, as I’m still coming down off the high of Comic-Con.  And by “high”, I mean total lack of sleep.

“I’m done with your imaginary friend horseshit, Lucy.”

While digging through the horde of Netflix Instant movies, I discovered The Legend of Lucy Keyes, which had a fairly decent rating from its users and claimed to be about the haunting of a farm or some such nonsense.  What occurred, however, I would not exactly call a “haunting” as much as random vaguely spooky occurrences that really didn’t impact anyone among the living in any significant way.

It started off promising with my preferred generic opener: scene setters placed alongside really nondescript music.  Here’s a farmhouse.  Oh, here’s another farmhouse.  Here’s some leaves.  Here’s a cemetery.  Here’s a quaint town.  OH, FUCK, IT’S A MOVING VAN ATTACHED TO A STATION WAGON/MINI-VAN/OTHER FAMILY-ORIENTED VEHICLE.

“I’m never getting laid again.”

I like the classic clichédness of it all, as it reminds me of 70s horror films (i.e. a favorite of mine, Burnt Offerings) and it seems like it might have some promise at this point.  In pursuit of contract that would enable him to build eight windmills on some countryside acreage, Guy Cooley (Justin Theroux) moves his wife (Julie Delpy, who I know from a brief period in my life where all I would watch was Disney’s Three Musketeers—don’t judge) and their two little girls move to an old farm deep in the middle of nowhere.

What I will give this movie points for is actually attempting to try to establish the characters before launching into the… hrm.  It’s not exactly horror, as there isn’t anything really resembling a scary moment.  Huh.  Wait, I know!  Launching into the brief interactions with the not-so-recently deceased who don’t really seem all too unpleasant, honestly.  Sure, they’re a little loud at night and cause flashbacks, but other than that… very few unpleasant side effects.

Stays up at night wishing he had got the Comic-Con Derpy pony.

However, when you bring in the crazy neighbor, Judd Jonas (Mark Boone Junior – Robert Munson from Sons of Anarchy), and his Cruella deVille-like cousin, Samantha Porter, (Brooke Adams), suddenly ghosts aren’t needed for the horror factor anymore, as Porter does her best to keep the audience’s something-ain’t-right-here-sense tingling.

This film felt lacking for me.  Delpy was the workhorse of this film, pulling it with all her might (and a sexy accent), and Theroux definitely pitched in at times, but the overall effect was still somewhat lacking.  For a little over an hour and a half, I kept waiting for this movie to hit its stride and it never really did—all the pieces were there, they just weren’t assembled quite properly.

If you haven’t seen ‘Cabin In The Woods’…what the fuck have you been doing with your life? On September 18th (my birthday…just sayin’ Geekscapists) you’ll have the chance to own one my favorite movies that came out this year. Check out our review from SXSW here, and you can watch Jonathan talk with cast & crew here.

If you think you know the story, think again. Experience the film that critics and audiences are raving about when The Cabin In The Woods arrives on Blu-ray Disc (plus Digital Copy), DVD (plus Digital Copy) and On Demand and Pay-Per-View September 18 from Lionsgate. The Cabin In The Woods will also be available on EST September 4, two weeks prior to the Blu-ray, DVD and On Demand release. Co-written by fan favorites, Joss Whedon (The Avengers, TV’s “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”) and Drew Goddard (Cloverfield) and directed by Goddard, The Cabin In The Woods is a film that “horror fans will be gushing about for years” (FearNet).

The Cabin In The Woods begins as a conventional horror movie then transforms into a genre-bending, mind-blowing experience that cleverly mixes screams with pop-culture wit as the scared teens are revealed to be watched by a group of technicians that control their every move behind the scenes.

Starring Kristen Connolly (The Happening), Chris Hemsworth (The Avengers), Anna Hutchison (TV’s Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior), Fran Kranz (The Village), Jesse Williams (TV’s “Grey’s Anatomy”), Richard Jenkins (The Visitor) and Bradley Whitford (TV’s “The West Wing”), The Cabin In The Woods is not like any horror movie you have seen before. Both formats come complete with a must-have behind-the-scenes “making of” featurette along with numerous additional featurettes that focus on the make-up, effects, animatronics and more, audio commentary with Writer/Director Drew Goddard and Writer/Producer Joss Whedon and the Wonder-Con Q&A, while the Blu-ray Disc includes the exclusive”It’s Not What You Think: The Cabin in the Woods” Bonus View Mode. The Wonder-Con Q&A will also be available on Digital Download. The Cabin In The Woods Blu-ray Disc (plus Digital Copy) and DVD (plus Digital Copy) will be available for the suggested retail price of $39.99 and $29.95, respectively.

Audio commentary with writer-director Drew Goddard, writer-producer Joss Whedon
We Are Not Who We Are: Making The Cabin in the Woods documentary
The Secret Secret Stash featurette
Marty’s Stash
Hi, My name is Joss and I’ll be your guide
Wonder-Con Q&A with Joss and Drew
An Army of Nightmares: Make-Up & Animatronic Effects featurette
Primal Terror: Visual Effects featurette
It’s Not What You Think: The Cabin in the Woods Bonus View Mode (Blu-ray Exclusive)

Source: Lionsgate

This October the creative team of Fred Van Lente and artist Alessandro Vitti will be bringing you a special holiday themed one-shot. ‘Marvel Zombies: Halloween’ returns us to a world filled with zombies where one kid just wants to go trick or treating.

Talkng about what we will see Van Lente says “The franchise is known for being really over the top and focusing on the insane idea of zombie-infected super heroes. And in the past, we’ve done stories with martians, robots, knights and many of Marvel’s monster characters. So for our Halloween one-shot, we’re doing more of a “classic” zombie apocalypse story about a woman and her son. The kid has grown up in a zombie apocalypse universe and when Halloween rolls around, he wants to go trick or treating. He’s heard about it and read about it, but his mom doesn’t think it’s a very good idea because they’re surrounded by zombies.”

So he asks her, “What’s the purpose of us staying alive during the zombie apocalypse if we never get to have any fun? What’s the point of just surviving?” He then sneaks out on Halloween night and goes Trick or Treating in a Spider-Man costume and events spiral from there. It’s a horrific but sweet little tale.”

On whether we will know the characters or it will remain a mystery.

“Exactly. If I revealed those things, I would give away the game, but I can reveal that this is going to really focus on Marvel’s kid and teen heroes; Avengers Academy, Runaways and even Power Pack. You’ll see more gruesome versions of these teams than we’re used to seeing. It’s sort of what “Lost Boys” did for vampires.

Plus, there’s even a surprise appearance at the end of the story by a Marvel character I’ve always loved, but for various reasons have never been able to include in a story. Their appearance in this is particularly apropos. It’s another horror-themed Marvel character that I’ve never been able to write.”

Source: CBR

The minute I first saw the trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, I thought “this is either going to be the best movie ever made, or the worst.” Well, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter isn’t really quite either… and kind of both. But despite my better judgement, I enjoyed the hell outta this over the top cheese fest of a movie. Based on Seth Grahame-Smith’s novel of the same name, ALVH is just ridiculous, schlocky fun from start to finish. The movie’s tone is painfully serious, which in a way made it all the more campy  fun for me, if that makes any sense. The filmmakers, in going out of their way to play everything so seriously, it just made it all sillier. For me though, this was a good thing.

The movie starts in 1818, when Abe Lincoln is nine years old. His father is working off a debt (we never find out for what) to a cruel slave owner named William Barts,who is beating Abe’s best friend Will Johnson, an African American boy about Abe’s age. The real William Johnson was a free person of color, as they were then called, but the movie suggests that he was a slave that belonged to William Barts. The Lincoln family (minus Abe’s sister Sarah, who seemingly doesn’t exist in this movie) stand up to Barts and defend Will Johnson, and in retaliation Barts kills Nancy Lincoln, Abe’s mother. Abe vows vengeance, and cut to several years later, and our now adult Abe (Benjamin Walker) is ready to do just that. Except Abe doesn’t know that Barts is really a vampire, and has his ass handed to him when he tries to exact his sweet revenge.

Abe is saved by a man named Henry Sturges, played by the always charming Dominic Cooper (Howard Stark in Captain America) a professional vampire hunter. Sturges agrees to train Abe to be a proficient vampire killer, and gives him the low down on vampire history. See, vamps have been coming to America for centuries it seems, and the slave trade has given them an endless supply of disposable humans to use and then feed on. Its actually kind of clever. These vampires have overcome their aversion to sunlight, can turn invisible, and have a serious aversion to silver. There are also some other twists to vampire lore (some which come from actual bits of folklore Hollywood usually ignores) but none are as insulting as sparkling in the sun or anything like that. There are a few other twists and turns that I won’t give away, but none that will surprise anyone who has seen a movie before.

And so begins what amounts to as the main plot of the movie, which follows Abraham Lincoln from young adulthood to President, all the while killing as many vamps as he can on the side. But at least he does so in fun, creatively bloody ways (it should be noted that vampire blood in this movie is black, not red, probably so as much can be spilled as possible while avoiding the dreaded NC-17 rating. A creative solution I’d say) Abe also woos and marries Mary Todd (played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead) in a pretty boring romantic subplot that clearly also bored the director, who only spends as much time on that aspect as he has to, then gets along to some more slo-mo acrobatics and more killing. I’m ok with this. It turns out that vampires are backing the South due to their stance on slavery (remember, endless food supply) The vampire leader is named Adam (Rufus Sewell) and it is implied that he’s not only the oldest bloodsucker in America, but the first vampire period. Sewell does a good enough job, but he’s never quite as bad ass I want him to be. But like a lot of things in this movie, he’s good enough.

Russian director Timur Bekmambetov has only made one other English language film before this one, 2008’s Wanted. Like Wanted, ALVH has tons of slow-mo action scenes, and it is again clear that action, action and more action is all he really cares about. Again, this is not a complaint. Some of the action is spectacular, and some is just exhausting. A lot of the movie is dumb, but fun dumb. Unlike some other movies this summer that are equally dumb, this one doesn’t pretend to be about anything grander. Tim Burton’s a producer on this movie, but I think it is in name only; none of this movie has the Burton feel to it (probably for the best) Having seen not only Wanted, but Bekmambetov’s Russian movies Night Watch and Day Watch, this movie is clearly all him from start to finish.

So much of this movie makes no sense at all– for instance, Abe learns how to be this amazing  killing machine in one quick 80’s style montage scene (I was half expecting some hair metal power chords to kick in)  Abe has no powers to speak of–he’s not super strong like Buffy or half vampire like Blade, so he shouldn’t be able to do or survive half the shit this movie puts him through. Every action scene bends the laws of logic and sometimes even physics. And yet…the ridiculousness of it all just makes the whole thing more enjoyable to me. It just seems everyone involved just wanted to make a B movie with an actual budget, and they succeeded at this. ALVH is almost never boring and always fun, and I just can’t help but think that all the badness was intentional. Benjamin Walker plays Abraham Lincoln with such a straight face, that it actually ends up makes everything more campy….and I kinda dug that. Winking at the camera constantly would have been too easy, doing it this way just made me chuckle more. I should note, there are a few nods to previous vampire films here as well…the vampire’s look when in “kill mode” is to have this giant elongated jaw, kind of like the original Fright Night, and main vampire baddie Adam’s lair is the same plantation where Louis and Lestat lived in Interview with the Vampire (Oak Alley in Louisiana) And the way that vampires avoid sunlight is a lift from the original Blade. None of these tidbits will win most people over, but they put enough of a smile on my face for me to give this flick a few extra brownie points.

Despite the oodles of dumb in this flick, I had a blast watching it. This is the kind of movie where you’re either gonna be on board with it from the get go, or you’re just not. I imagine a lot of people reading this will fall under the “not” category. Right now as I write this review, the Rotten Tomatoes score stands at 32%. But I find so many of these reviews somewhat baffling…one major newspaper says “Oh, what it could have been. The film dances around solid themes: racism, nationhood, the embodiment of evil vs. the spirit of good.” Another even bigger paper’s review says “In general, the movie’s attitude toward recorded history is that of a pimp toward a hooker.” Does anyone really want “solid themes” and a reverent attitude towards history in a movie called Abraham Licoln, Vampire Hunter? I sure as Hell didn’t, I just wanted overly bloody cheestastic fun. Sure, occasionally a silly title holds content with suprisingly more depth (Buffy the Vampire Slayer anyone?) but sometimes it’s okay to just get exactly what you’re expecting, and just enjoy it for what it is. And I did. And if you go in with the right mind set, you might too.

EA are about to send Isaac Clark through hell again. If you’re unfamiliar with the series… ‘Dead Space’ is a third person survival horror. The game puts the player in control of engineerIsaac Clark, who battles “Necromorphs”, monsters created from corpses and an alien virus. The game was followed up by ‘Dead Space 2’. Set three years after the events after the last games events… the game follow’s protagonist Isaac Clarke’s fight against a new Necromorph outbreak on the Sprawl, a space city above Saturn’s largest moon.

Well now it seems we are about to see it taken to a whole new level.

According to the Dead Space Twitter the following has been revealed:

– ‘Dead Space 3’ will feature Tau Volantis, an ice planet where Isaac must battle brutal, subzero conditions and deadly enemies

-Dead Space 3 will give you the option of playing drop-in drop-out co-op with a friend playing as merciless soldier John Carver

UPDATE: The teaser trailer has hit and here it is!

In the world of horror movies, there is William Friedkin’s The Exorcist, and then there is everything else. Possibly the most disturbing horror film ever made, it still stands as the only movie of its kind to break out of the usual horror movie niche and become a genuine blockbuster. (adjusted for 2012 dollars, would have made $875 million domestically today) Even a horror buff like me can’t watch it in a dark room alone.  I know there are certain people out there that the movie doesn’t scare, but I usually find them to be the kind of people who don’t understand the difference between being “startled” and being “frightened.” The Exorcist get under your skin and stays there forever; it truly frightens.

So in the creatively bankrupt past decade in Hollywood (for horror films anyway) the one classic film that has remained untouched has remained The Exorcist. Until now. But it looks like it won’t be coming back to the big screen, but to television instead. According to the Vulture,  Sean Durkin, director of the indie movie Martha Marcy May Marlene, is developing The Exorcist into a ten-episode TV series with Roy Lee, the executive producer of The Ring. It seems Durkin’s version of The Exorcist follows the events leading up to a demonic possession and especially the after-effects of how the MacNeil family copes with it.

Since this is only being shopped as a ten episode series, it should be obvious this will end up on cable and not a network. While I usually loathe remakes, especially horror remakes, I see this is as less a shitty cash in from a studio who happens to own a property, and rather a new interpretation of a classic novel in a different medium. Not only can the original film never be topped as another film, no studio would dare make a mainstream film as scandalous and blasphemous as the original again, especially in our current cultural climate. This isn’t the free wheeling, experimental 70’s anymore; the MPAA has become considerably more conservative than they were forty years ago. There is no way that the classic movie would get anything but an NC-17 these days. Meanwhile, most HBO fare is much racier than your average Hollywood movie….the average episode of True Blood would get an NC-17 from the MPAA if it was a movie. Cable has become the new home of “racy” material, in the way movie theaters were in the past.

The Exorcist is currently being shopped around to various networks, and is said to have a lot of interested parties chomping at the bit. I’d guess we might have this new version premiere next year, the 40th Anniversary of the original film.

Troma is mostly known for it’s mascot the Toxic Avenger. However Class Nuke ’em High was actually their most successful film in the world of VHS. The original is a fun horror/teen flick about the affects of nuclear waste on high school students. The Sequels however are garbage, at least in part due to Lloyd Kafuman’s lack of involvement.

Well Lloyd is back in the director’s chair for the 4th installment RETURN TO NUKE ‘EM HIGH and they are looking for the next Troma star (this will likely involve being underpaid and underworked, but gaining a place in Troma’s cult following). Casting Starts tomorrow and if you want to be involve email the troma team at nukeemhighcasting@gmail.com

Here’s Lloyd begging you for support from the cardboard box he calls home

The sci-fi genre (including science fiction, fantasy, and horror) has a long history of unofficial equal rights advocacy. As far back as the 18th and 19th century, sci-fi stories like Gulliver’s Travels and The Time Machine subtly touched on topics of racial intolerance and class disparity. The 1950s brought us The Twilight Zone, an anthology of morality plays, many of which dealt with racial injustice. In the 1960s, Star Trek repeatedly championed the civil rights movement, airing television’s first multiracial kiss and producing episodes like “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”, a deft allegory of the consequences of racism. In the late 60s and 70s, George A. Romero put strong black characters in leading roles in his socially conscious zombie films.

A member of the noble race of aliens from "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", seen here next to one of the dirty, inferior race.

So how is it that after two centuries of progressive, forward-thinking literature, racism has begun to pervade sci-fi? Since the turn of the millennium, there have been a few prominent examples of bald racism in the sci-fi world. These may be isolated incidents, but they do have one glaring common aspect: they were all defended by fans. Rather than a public consensus shaming the offenders into apology, which has become the protocol in these situations (see: Michael Richards), in each of these cases fans mounted a counter-argument denying any existence of racism. These have not been good arguments, but they have, like creation “science”, been enough to muddy the waters for those who don’t want to see the truth.

POD RACE WARS

In 1999, the lifetime of anticipation millions of Star Wars fans had built up waiting for Episode I finally ended. And it ended the way every lifetime does: with death. The pristene sense of wonder and joy that was born out of seeing Star Wars for the first time died that day. And out of its ashes grew a bitter cynicism from which society will not recover until the only ones left are the kids who saw the prequels first, carefree and ignorant without a frame of reference for what should have been.

I believe the children are our future. At least, I used to...

On a laundry list of complaints about The Phantom Menace, the use of racism as a storytelling device certainly takes priority. At least three different alien races in the film, in voice, dress, and manner, are indistinguishable from specific racial stereotypes. The Neimoidians, leaders of the Trade Federation, with their large-sleeved robes, bowing, and thick Asian “r” and “l” switching accents are clear corollaries for the Japanese. Watto, a hairy, big-nosed, money-obsessed junk dealer is an overt Semitic caricature. And then there’s Jar Jar Binks and the Gungans, with their definitive Porgy and Bess accents are obviously stand-ins for native Caribbeans. All of these characters are depictions of racial stereotypes, and all of them are bad. The Trade Federation are in league with the Sith, Watto is an unscrupulous slave owner, and Jar Jar is a rude, lazy fool.

"Meesa ashamed of reinforcing negative racial preconceptions."

Some fans refuse to believe these characters are the product of racism. These fans contend that the alien races are original compilations of traits, and racially sensitive people pick out specific traits they associate with races and extrapolate racism that isn’t there. But it isn’t just one trait; it’s the whole package. There’s a reason the Anti-Defamation League hasn’t ever voiced serious concerns about the anti-Semitic undertones of gold-hoarding dragons. Because that is extrapolating association from a single trait. That’s not what they do. No one came to Star Wars looking for racism. They saw it because it smacked them in the face.

There were several offensive characters in Phantom Menace, but this one wins by a nose.

Another common defense is simply to ask why Lucas would put in racist stereotypes. In other words, these fans are demanding the prosecution show motive. Well, the motive is simple and sad: lazy writing. A thoughtful, creative writer will spend time developing characters, but a lazy writer can import easily recognized stereotypes in place of unique characters. Essentially it’s like stealing a stock character from another work of fiction, only this time the fiction is the magical world that racists live in.

Compare the races of Episode I with those of the Lord of the Rings series. J.R.R. Tolkien practically invented what we think of as elves and dwarves not by recontextualizing pre-existing stereotypes but by creating a world and considering how that world’s history and landscape would affect how societies developed. Each race has a specific set of culturally inherent traits, but even if they share any history with or bear any resemblance to real peoples, they don’t stick out as identical with persistent stereotypes. And Tolkien was part of the tradition of promoting racial unity as Gimli the dwarf found friendship with elf Legolas. Of course their common ground was the hunting and killing of a third race, but hey, Orcs are jerks. Even Dr. King said we could judge people by the content of their character.

The ACLU isn't goin' anywhere near this one.

You don’t even have to leave the Star Wars universe to find an example of well-done race introduction. A New Hope‘s Mos Eisley Cantina is full of many different alien races, all distinct and imaginative variations on basic animal features. Their manner and clothing tell us immediately that these creatures are sentient despite reminding no one in any way of any human race or even the human race.

Scum? Sure. Villainy? You bet. Stereotypes? No.

The “shorthand” of racial stereotypes is unnecessary to convey an individual’s personality or even the cultural identity of a recently introduced alien race; good storytellers are able to give us this information through good writing. Lucas clearly used to be a good storyteller, but he got old, tired, and lazy.

REVENGE OF THE APPALLIN’

About a decade after Episode I, sci-fi race relations suffered a very similar setback with episode 2 of the Transformers franchise. We’ll just call Jazz’s breakdancing in the first Transformers a misguided homage. But he was replaced in the second film by the duo of Mudflap and Skids, robots that used rap slang and sounded “street”- one of them even had a gold tooth (I’m not sure which one- the movie Transformers all look alike to me). Once again, we’re talking about lazy writers using offensive stereotypes in place of original characters, but this goes even further. These obvious black analogues are rude, gross, craven, and even, despite presumably having advanced alien CPUs for brains, illiterate. And even this was not universally acknowledged as racism.

Robo-jangles of Cybertron

The defense here was similar to that of The Phantom Menace. Fans who jumped to the film’s defense said, “They’re not black men, they’re robots! They’re not even black robots! How can it be racist?” But racism is more than meets the eye. It doesn’t have to be a black man to be a depiction of a black man. Amos ‘N’ Andy were two white guys in minstrel makeup. The caricature already exists in our culture and can be depicted via cartoon bird, CG robot, cave etching- it’s still making fun of black people.

Note: THIS is blackface. That Billy Crystal Oscars thing was simply using makeup to enhance an unfunny, outdated impersonation. Completely different thing.

FAN BLACKLASH

So are fans racist? Well, yes and no. Obviously there’s nothing inherently racist in sci-fi to promote extra intolerance, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some fans who bring their racism with them. You might think sci-fi’s myriad fables against discrimination would discourage ethnocentrists’ interest, but even in their religions people hear what they want to hear. Sci-fi’s biggest deterrent to racism is its innate intelligence; the often complex rules and sophisticated storylines of new universes tend to naturally repel those of lower intelligence, whom studies have shown are more likely to hold racist beliefs. So sci-fi fandom probably has a slightly lower proportion of racists than the rest of society, but they are there.

Unfortunately, in the Venn diagram of society, the circles of racial intolerance and genre enthusiasm do have some overlap. Two recent examples made me ashamed of my people. The first is the rejection of a black Spider-man. When Sony announced in 2010 that it would reboot the Spidey franchise with a new Peter Parker, a sharp-eyed fan suggested writer/actor Donald Glover for the role. Glover is a smart, funny young actor with a slim, muscular build; he would have been a strong choice for the iconic character. As an excited fan himself, Glover retweeted the idea, causing a flurry of Internet excitement. But not all of the buzz was positive. Hundreds of fans denounced the idea, saying they would never see a movie with a black Spider-man.

Fear of a Black Daily Planet. What? It's Bugle? Crap. That was such a good joke. OK, how about "Parker Brother"?

Some argue that this was not a racially motivated disgust. They argue that die hard fans’ ire is notoriously easy to provoke by adaptations straying from the source material, and that’s a fair point. Fans were also annoyed that John Constantine was played by a brunette American instead of a blond Brit. However, those that tweeted death threats and epithets at Glover were not pre-occupied with comic accuracy, but were clearly a different kind of purist altogether.

The more recent example is also in casting, but this one isn’t merely hypothetical. The Hunger Games movie adaptation broke box office records, but a vocal minority soured the occasion. These readers apparently missed the indication to beloved character Rue’s dark skin in the book and were shocked and disgusted by the decision to cast a young black actress. Naturally, these fans vehemently denied that their outcry was in any way racist. All they said was that they couldn’t see a little black girl as innocent or be upset when a little black girl’s life was in peril, because she’s black. Nothing racist about that.

Where's Kanga, am I right? But no, in all seriousness, this totally made me cry like a baby.

For the most part, I don’t think all that many sci-fi fans out there are racist. The Hunger Games and Spider-man franchises have much larger audiences than most genre works, and a bigger crowd always means a bigger, louder fringe. I don’t even think those who denied the racist elements of Star Wars Episode I and Transformers 2 are themselves racist. I just think they’re in denial. they’re choosing to believe that the things they love so much could not possibly be so flawed. They’re like abused housewives attacking the cops who are trying to protect them. The reality is just too hard to face.

But we have to face it if we are going to move forward. Sweeping this under the rug is not acceptable. The only way we will ever remove racism from sci-fi in specific and society in general is to stop denying that it exists. The first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem. And right now we do.

I love Troma. This is not an unknown fact. I’ve always loved Troma, since I was a young kid and watched Toxic Crusaders. The first thing that truly scared the shit out of me was when I was a little kid at my uncle’s house and I saw the cover of Toxic Avenger and immediately recognized Toxie. I put it on and was terrified by the mutation sequence as well as a scene where Toxie pokes someone’s eyeballs out.

In Junior High I rediscovered Troma when I borrowed my friend’s copy of the movie and watched the entire film. It was great. Tits, Gore… really nothing to not love. I began collecting all the Troma titles I could, buying all the Lloyd Kaufman books and on a couple occasions met Lloyd (I even had him as a guest on my podcast The Saint Mort Show).

That being said even I can say that their films aren’t all winners. Kaufman has a pretty flawless career, but most of the films that they acquire don’t reach the bar of excellence that Lloyd is able to achieve. For every Cannibal the Musical there’s a ten Newlydeads.

However one of the most impressive films in their collection is Mother’s Day, directed by Kaufman’s brother Charlie.  The film is a demented backwoods slasher film made in 1980 talks about a road trip from hell.

Three college friends take their yearly trip together. This year their trip is a camping trip, however it’s quickly ruined when they’re kidnapped by two boys and their demented mother. The rest of the film is the two brothers beating and raping the women based on their mother’s demands and guidance.

While the film was released after rape revenge films like Last House on the Left and I Spit on Your Grave, it was released the same year as Friday the 13th (ironically filmed at the same time and at the same location). Both films pushed the limits of slasher film gore at the time, however Friday the 13th’s wider release has lead to it being hailed as a masterpiece while the far more disturbing Mother’s Day has become nothing more than a unknown masterpiece in the Troma Library.

It’s definitely not for everybody, but if horror is for you, this is a must-see. Lloyd and the rest of the Troma team have also been praising the remake which comes to DVD tomorrow.

You may wonder what to expect when going to see a musical play based on a horror movie. Yes, there are jaunty tunes. Yes, there are dance numbers. And oh yes, there will be blood.

Re-Animator the Musical, re-opening for a limited engagement at the Hayworth Theatre in Los Angeles today before beginning its international tour, is a perfect adaptation. It is at once a completely faithful re-imagining of the 1985 cult classic and a brilliantly original stage production.

The reason for this smooth transition is probably due to multi-talented director Stuart Gordon. Not only did he co-write and direct the original film, but he also has a strong background in theatre, having founded Chicago’s legendary Organic Theatre Company over 40 years ago.

Gordon directs a brilliant roster, including the entire original cast reprising their roles from last summer’s premiere run. Chris L. McKenna and Rachel Avery give charming and poignant performances as corrupted couple Dan and Megan; Jesse Merlin is a hilariously creepy Dr. Hill; George Wendt is, as usual, adorable; the chorus members are somehow chameleonic and notable.

But the star here is Graham Skipper as the titular re-animator himself, Dr. Herbert West. It’s an uphill battle taking on a role immortalized by the irreplaceable Jeffrey Combs, but Skipper makes the character truly his own. Whether singing or staring quietly, Skipper’s West is delightfully egomaniacal, but also cuter and more likable than the film version.

Graham Skipper as Herbert West and Jesse Merlin as Dr. Hill

The songs are bouncy and fun, but you probably won’t hear a standout number that will survive past the production. The music is catchy but pretty much never ends, giving the impression of a 90-minute medley, and the lyrics are almost too seamlessly interwoven into the story for the audience to appreciate their cleverness the first time around.

Of course, one of the unique things about this particular musical is its horror aspect. Gordon has re-teamed with the special makeup effects crew of the original film to reproduce all the decapitation, evisceration, and exsanguination that horror buffs will expect. In fact, there is so much gore that the first three rows are designated as a “splash zone”, complete with complimentary ponchos.

It should be noted that the effects here are ingenious, but this isn’t movie magic; it’s closer to a circus act. The wonder is not in the production’s ability to hide the strings, but in their ability to walk the ropes. Being up close and personal, you will see exactly how an effect is achieved, and you will appreciate the results all the more for it.

If you’re a fan of horror or musical theatre, and you’re planning on being in Los Angeles in the next two months, you can’t pass up your chance to see Re-Animator The Musical. You can buy tickets at http://www.reanimatorthemusical.com/tickets.html, and as a special bonus to Geekscape readers- if you buy tickets for this opening weekend, use the discount code 008 for 50% off ticket prices!

MGM has hired Evil Dead and Spider-Man trilogy helmer Sam Raimi to produce the remake of the classic Steven Spielberg/Tobe Hooper 80’s horror film Poltergeist according to the Hollywood Reporter, along with producing partners Nathan Kahane, Roy Lee, and Robert Tapert. Raimi won’t direct for certain, as he is knee deep in post production for Oz, the Great and Powerful for Disney,but will be the deciding hand on who takes the reins. This news comes quickly on the heels of MGM announcing Chloe Moretz and Julianne Moore as the leads in the remake of Carrie.

Ya know, I used to get pissed off every time one of my favorite horror films from the 70’s and 80’s got remade. Over the past decade I’ve seen Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Amityville, you name it, all get remade in shitty overly glossy studio films that frighten no one except a whole generation of kids who don’t know the difference between being startled and being genuinely frightened.  And just a few years later, no one is talking about the remakes. They came and went, and the classic films remain. It is the classic films that get marathons on AMC and the like in October, while the new versions end up in the discount bin at Wal Mart. So go ahead MGM, remake Poltergeist, remake Carrie. They’ll either turn out interesting or future landfill fodder that no one talks about.

This scene scarred a generation of moviegoers...can Raimi's remake do the same?

At 1AM on Monday night, I was feeling kinda loopy.  You know, that pleasant tired when one starts hallucinating that there might be clowns in one’s pocket.  Instead of doing what any normal person would do and curl up in sweet unconscious oblivion, I decided to watch a movie on Netflix.

After sorting through various obvious rejects (The Exorcist??  What a lame name—pass.), I decided on a swell looking flick called It’s My Party and I’ll Die if I Want to.  How could I go wrong?

Especially with a cover like this!

Almost exactly 24 hours later, I’m not quite feeling equally loopy, but I’m definitely getting there.  So here’s some lazy reporting.  This low-budget film, shot for less than $20K per the production company’s website, has won awards at the Full Moon Film Festival (not associated with Full Moon Features), the Action on Film International Film Festival, the Dark Carnival Film Festival… okay, I’m stopping there.  This is boring me as I write it.  That’s talent.

The movie was made.  The movie was released.  The movie won some awards.  The movie had some unknown (but surprisingly decent) actresses in it, one of which is also in a movie called Fetish Dolls Die Laughing, which appears to be about how the “tickle monster” is real and turning women into perverted tickle fetishists.  This is almost the most fantastic thing I’ve heard all week.

Don’t ask what the most fantastic thing is.  Trust me.

It's not this, I'll tell you that much.

According to legend—or at least the beginning of this film—in 1930, Jacob Burkitt locked up his family in their “manor” and, in typical batshit fashion, went on a murderous rampage, killing his wife and their six children.  Since that time, no one has been able to occupy the “manor” (it’s a goddamned house) for more than a few months and several more deaths have occurred within its walls.

Fast-forward to present day.  It’s Halloween—like it tends to be in horror movies—in some non-descript Midwest town.  While Sara, an over-achieving redhead, is out over-achieving and being generally sexless in nature, her friends are putting the finishing touches on her surprise birthday party… at the haunted Burkitt house.

Happy birthday, all of your friends are dead!

Sara, you see, is a big horror movie and Halloween fan.  Maybe she’s simply just one of those quirky girls that loves the dark and macabre.  Maybe she’s self-obsessed and wants to celebrate her birthday year round because she’s a soulless redhead.  We’ll never know.

As her friends slowly trickle into the house to do pre-party hijinks, they start dying off.  And by dying, I mean they’re being gruesomely murdered by the ghosts of Jacob Burkitt and his family.  Just after the token Asian chick, Jill, gets her heart ripped out (not in that lame metaphor way), Sara receives her last minute party invite and pulls out a costume she “happened to have on hand”.

What is she for Halloween?  Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.  Fuck.  Yes.

Rushing over to her party, Sara soon finds that she’s got more in store for her than a few presents and some GHB.

Gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid?! Count us in!

This movie was incredibly low-budget.  Film quality hearkens back to the 70s—even though it was supposedly shot digitally.  Lighting was abysmal.  The sets were severely limited and the “manor” was laughably unmanor-like.

However, I actually enjoyed it.  The abysmal lighting added a realistic edge to particular scenes, addressing a constant mini-frustration I have with horror movies—the sudden disconnect from characters when we can see more than they can.  This movie managed to make me jump a few times, even with clichéd and should-have-expected-that maneuvers, and the acting was, for the most part, good.  I mean, the actress who plays Sara isn’t Nicholas Cage or anything, but she’s fine.

Sweep the leg... with your sword!

Primary complaints?  Complaint, really.  But it’s going to be an angry one.  The goddamned soundtrack.  Jesus would weep at this soundtrack, and then crucify himself in what would be a spectacularly failed attempt to redeem the movie.

Imagine this: you’re a very white-washed teen in rural U.S.A.  You wear pink jeans and may never have had a decent hair cut in your entire life.  Your friends are steps away from running the glee club.  What’s your soundtrack?  Angry rap?  Oh, of course.  This makes so much sense to just insert at every possible moment of character introduction to really give you a feel for the movie.

After effects of the soundtrack.

Other than that blip in an otherwise enjoyable film, it was fun.  While in the realm of the standard Tales From the Crypt feeling (with a nod to Trick ‘r’ Treat with graphic novel-style transitions), it managed to exceed my expectations and actually provide decent entertainment where the only time I felt like smashing my laptop closed was when the torturous soundtrack flared up.

Check it out on Netflix on Demand if you want a short horror film to temporarily call your own.  There’s tits and even a body double in a “goddamn, the director really wishes this was porn” shower scene.

Full Moon Features has moved from their usual quirky possessed toy movies and traveled into the realm of the classic ghost story with their latest feature, The Dead Want Women.

Based on a story by horror legend, Charles Band, The Dead Want Women begins at the tragic unraveling of the siren of the silver screen, Rose Pettigrew (Jean Louise O’Sullivan) in 1920s Hollywood.

While hosting a party in celebration of her latest silent film, Rose leaves her mansion and slips off to a secret grotto with her three gentlemen companions: the Abbott-influenced Tubby (Nihilist Gelo), the lecherous horror icon Eric Burke (Robert Zachar), and the cowboy Sonny Barnes (Eric Robertson).  While engaging in a mild orgy, Rose is interrupted from her delights by her agent, Norman (Circus-Szalewski), and hesitatingly informed that, because of the failure of the very film they are celebrating and the sudden popularity of the “talkie”, the studio has decided not to renew her contract.

After putting on a very distraught performance and receiving oaths of eternal devotion from her three companions, Rose surprises the group by grabbing one of Sonny’s guns and shooting not just the three gentlemen, but also one of the orgy participants.  When she goes to add herself to the body count, she learns she’s out of bullets and instead slits her own throat with one of Tubby’s knives.

Moving into the present day, realtors Danni (Ariana Madix) and Reese (Jessica Morris) arrive to the Pettigrew mansion on a mission to clean before meeting to complete a sale with a mysterious buyer.  After an afternoon of scrubbing and no wealthy gentleman caller, Danni and Reese break open a bottle of wine a drink themselves into pleasant unconsciousness.

When they wake, their adventure begins.  From waterfalls turning themselves on to lustful specters, Danni and Reese have their hands full trying to escape the grounds of the Pettigrew mansion with not just their lives intact, but also their virtue.

Then things start to get really weird.

This movie is not what you’d expect from a typical Full Moon movie—if there is such a thing as a typical Full Moon movie.  It echoes back to the classic Tales from the Crypt story, but with a modern twist… and a longer format.  The Dead Want Women allows the plot to build and introduces us to the characters long enough to get to know them before they’re keeling over or running through dark hallways screeching at top volume.

From the sound track to using Silent Era Hollywood as a setting, Full Moon did something different with this movie, experimented in a new direction and the results are surprisingly entertaining. You can check it out yourself on May 1st, 2012 at Full Moon Direct or at your local Red Box.

After being forced to sit and endure the double-feature of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and 2-Headed Shark Attack, I decided to give the finger to the evil duo of Mr. London and Mr. Kelly and watch something this week that didn’t look like an eye-raper.

Feeling rather festive with my rebellion, I turned to a promising looking Finnish movie— Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale.  I know it doesn’t sound nearly as amazing as 2-Headed Shark Attack, but my survival rate is much higher with this one and, honestly, I like surviving.

Always drink your Ovaltine.

Rare Exports is the third in a series of Santa-focused endeavors directed by Jalmari Helander, the first two being internet shorts titled Rare Exports Inc. (2003) and Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions (2005).  Assuming those two are of the same quality and idea of this movie, it’s safe to say that they’re pretty awesome.

Yes, I said it—I watched an awesome movie.  I admit I deviated from the recent spate of total suck in a major way as my rebellion bore non-Busey-related gingerbread man-shaped fruit.

Wordsworth would like you to consider the dandelion.

I will confess to being biased and, yes, having a major thing for the evil Santa Claus concept.  This started when I was a young little horror nerdling, sitting around playing Hunter: The Reckoning: Redeemer on X-Box.  You see, there’s this one scene where you stop at one of those mall-like Santa Claus areas and suddenly Mr. Claus walks into view and sprouts tentacles and pulls two giant (and angry, very, very angry) teddy bears with fangs out of his sack and it’s breathtakingly amazing.

But enough with my rhapsodizing about Tentacle Santa, let’s get to the reindeer meat of this movie.

Not reindeer meat.

Subzero Inc., a company purported to be engaging in seismic research on the border of Lapland, has been drilling into the Korvatunturi Mountain—not to further the field of seismology but, more deviously, to unearth the frozen Santa Claus.

Brilliant, right?  Free Santa Claus from his icy fortress of solitude so he can rain down presents on all the good boys and girls of the world.  That’d easily clear out the waiting list for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, no problem.

Also fulfills several wishes.

However, all is not as silent and holy as it seems as the butcher’s son, little Pietari, delves into old books on local folk lore after eavesdropping on the company’s plan.  In his reading, he discovers that Santa Claus is not the loveable old gent we all believe him to be, but is instead a giant beater, broiler, and eater of naughty children.

As Christmas quickly approaches, the drilling goes silent and the town’s source of income, a large herd of reindeer, is brutally slaughtered by what the townsfolk believe to be large wolves and Pietari takes steps to protect himself once he finds footprints on the roof outside of his second-floor window.

Footprints?! Must be a clue!

The night before Christmas Eve, all of the children—save Pietari— disappear and Pietari’s father discovers an old man has fallen into one of his wolf-pits, pierced through the chest by the wooden stakes at the bottom of the hole.

He takes the dead man into his butcher shop but soon discovers that, while mostly non-responsive, the man is alive and reacts violently to gingerbread cookies and little Pietari.  Soon two other men from town join him as they attempt to determine what to do with this odd old man and find that they may have captured something more strange and powerful than they bargained for.

Buy one naked guy, get several hundred others free.

This movie was wonderful, and so much more than what I expected from the usual Christmas horror movie.  It was clever.  It was truly, absolutely clever.  Helander managed to work in and warp all of our Santa-related Christmas mythology in a lovely little, almost Gaimanesque way that I don’t have the pleasure of seeing all too often.

Story aside, visually this movie was stunning.  The colors were intense, the shots wide and very dramatic— everything lent itself to the sort of fantasy setting this movie needed.  The acting was wonderful and the boy who played Pietari was perfect for the role, a silent, studious Data (The Goonies) that stepped up to the plate when everyone else was wallowing in Christmas confusion.

So start a fire (preferably in the fireplace), set out some milk and cookies, and queue up Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale on Netflix on Demand.  It’s that time of year, after all.  Right?

We’ve all wondered what would happen if our favorite pop culture characters were pitted against each other in mortal combat. Well we’ve got a few match-ups covered for you! In this exciting episode it is movie villains vs. super heroes. With the help of some trusty 20-sided dice and their vivid imaginations, Heidi and Stephen tackle just who would win and why. Prepare to be surprised and possibly delighted by the outcomes

Subscribe to Brave Nerd World on iTunes.
Follow us on Twitter and “like” us on Facebook

I’m full of roiling hate, oceans of roiling hate containing gigantic sharks with teeth bigger than my rather immense forehead—which is appropriate, given the movie that Matt Kelly suggested I watch this week.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is a frightening example of what can happen when your sound guy runs amok with his dubbing.  I fear for my safety, I fear for the safety of my never-to-be-existent children, that one day they may find themselves unable to speak, only able to laugh like assholes whenever someone of a different race speaks to them.

"Do you like movies about gladiators?"

Directed by David Worth (Lady Dragon, Lady Dragon II), written by the duo who brought you the previous two Shark Attack movies (Scott Devine and William Hooke), this steaming pile of krill was released straight to video in 2002, allowing it to bypass the average person’s radar (lucky, lucky average person).

What was the average person missing?  Actors John Barrowman (Torchwood’s Captain Jack Harkness), Jenny McShane (um…), and Ryan Cutrona (24’s Admiral John Smith and Mad Men’s Gene Hoftstadt) doing battle with a giant shark.  Sounds pretty amazing, right?  We get somebody to zap in a torpedo-rigged TARDIS right into the belly of the beast, BOOM, no problem.

Well, that’s not what happens.  So much for your connections, Barrowman.

The end of every James Bond movie I've ever seen.

This feast of a film opens with a brief, barely related, and completely unnecessary prologue where a diver for Apex Communications falls prey to a drive-by sharking.  What this bit of background establishes for us is two things: 1) there’s a shark 2) while the movie may have been released in 2002, it was clearly shot in the 1970s.

Moving past that near-useless opening, we are introduced to Colima, Mexico’s Playa Del Rey Resort, manned and visited by robotic beings programmed with an unendingly creepy laugh track.  These robots, should they be of a feminine appearance, do not have the capacity of language and only communicate with their brethren with various combinations of moans, cooing, and sounds of surprise.  As for the males, the standard issue models are able to form simple sentences regarding their female counterparts, each sentence punctuated by mechanical laughter.

Unfortunately for these robots, a robot-eating shark has decided to spent some time at the resort’s beaches and soak up some rays and munch on some communications cable—you know, typical shark activities.

Unfortunately for this shark, Captain Jack Harkness is on the case.

Wait, what?  Not Harkness???  What, just some douche named Ben and a paleontologist who could only pass for Laura Dern on account on blondness?  Fuck this movie.

Shark-cam!!

Not-Harkness (Barrowman) and Not-Dern (McShane) team up with some aging ex-Navy guy (Cutrona) and flounce around Colima ogling the scads of bare breasts while uncovering shark-hiding conspiracies set in place by heads of greedy corporations.

What’s the conspiracy?, I will pretend you cared enough to ask.  Apex Communications is laying down miles and miles of communications cable underwater with the hope of wrangling billions of dollars from an international market, but there’s a problem… the cables emit such electricity that they’re waking up dinosaur sharks.

Okay, not “dinosaur sharks” like in ScyFy’s Dinoshark, but really big, supposedly extinct sharks called megalodons.  And these megalodons are attacking the shit out of anyone who happens to be in the area when they stroll down the cable route.  Yes, attacking the shit out of them.  It’s part of the circle of life, just accept it.

Apex has learned about this side effect of their cables and, instead of doing something like taking care of the problem, they’ve decided to just keep on with it and either someone else will kill the sharks or they’ll eventually run out of customers.  Either or.

Exhibit A: Man who was, indeed, attacked the shit out of.

With all of this asinine stupidity in place, there are four very redeeming parts of this movie.

1. A baby Megalodon decides to grab the rope of a helpless paraglider and slowly drags her kicking and screaming into the ocean where it can chomp her to little bits.

2. Caught in the midst of a ship cabin panty raid, Not-Dern pumps a round of lead directly into the thieving baby Megalodon’s mouth.  Immediately before this moment, Not-Harkness is seen whacking the shark’s nose with a baseball bat, screaming “Die, die, die!!”

3. After wrapping up their shark-assassination plan, the charming and suave Not-Harkness says, “I’m really wired.  What do you say that I take you home and eat your pussy?”

4. Mama Megalodon wakes up and starts eating boats.  Please see the pictures below, as words cannot possibly wrap around the concept of how awesome this is.

I'm a shark, I'm a shaaaaark!
Suck my diiiick, I'm a shaaaark!

In sum, this movie isn’t great.  The first three-quarters of an hour is pretty tedious and entirely worth skipping, but once those forty-five minutes pass, even Disney can’t generate this kind of movie magic.  So if you’re feeling like sharking it up tonight and getting your Megalodon on, sink your hundreds of pointy teeth into this baby on Netflix on Demand.

Look everyone! A new reason to hate Michael Bay! Yeah, and you thought that whole Ninja Turtles business was bad. But according to Bloodydisgusting.com, Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes studios, the studio behind semi-recent horror remakes like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street is looking to handle the next installment of the Halloween franchise for Dimension Films.

But wait! Didn’t Rob Zombie remake Halloween already you might say? pffffttt. That is SO five years ago. True, Dimension Films had a Halloween 3D scheduled for this October, which was set to be directed by the team behind  My Bloody Valentine and Drive Angry, Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier.  But that quietly dissolved recently, and Halloween 3D was pulled off the 2012 schedule. Now Dimension is said to be looking at Bay’s company to relaunch Michael Myers the way they relaunched Freddy and Jason and Leatherface.

The real question is whether or not this is going to be a continuation of the Rob Zombie Halloween series, as Halloween 3D was going to be, or be yet another reboot. I’d put money on the latter, as I’m sure Bay will want to put his own spin on this franchise and not just do a part three to someone else’s series. And before you even say “but five years is too soon to reboot!” I remind you that The Amazing Spider-Man is coming out only five years after the last Tobey Maguire installment; never underestimate the short attention spans of  the American public.

Honestly, I can’t even get riled up about this too much. Rob Zombie’s Halloween remake was already the polar opposite to John Carpenter’s classic film in almost every respect, whatever Bay ends up doing can only be as bad, but probably not worse. It’ll just serve as a reminder to everyone how brilliant the original was. Again.