Horror Movie | Geekscape

Horror Movie Night Episode 5: Frailty

by SaintmortAugust 1, 2015

This episode of Horror Movie Night transports us back to the fantastic world of 2002, when Matthew McConaughey’s career was on fire, Bill Paxton was making housewives quiver, and the abundance of boy bands was a sign of the end-times. Our guest Rich barely gets a word in edgewise and adds us to his God’s Hand Killer list of naughty children; we discuss where we would like those magic hands to be placed. Listen to Horror Movie Night – it’s God’s will!

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Guilty Pleasures: Happy Birthday to Me

by SaintmortOctober 15, 2012

I’ll confess right off the bat. The biggest reason that I picked this particular film was because yesterday was my birthday. But I do love this movie even though it’s one of the most ridiculous slasher films of the 80’s (and trust me that’s saying something).

You see in the 1980’s Slasher films EXPLODED. While you had plenty of great franchise films like Halloween, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street you also had plenty of one shot slashers mostly cashing in on a holiday. These films varied in quality from the intentionally good (The Prowler), unintentionally good (Sleepaway Camp) and painfully bad (Splatter High). Now obviously with Happy Birthday To Me they’d run out of holidays (by this time Halloween, Friday the 13th, April Fool’s Day, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and Graduation had already been claimed).

This movie is absolutely ridiculous but we’ll get to that in a minute let’s start off by explaining the plot a bit.

You see the movie follows Ginny a pretty & popular high school senior. She’s part of the “Top Ten” which is a group of the richest, smartest and snobbest students. Someone is killing off the various students. And man, do they ever kill them off.

The movie was advertised with the tagline “6 of the most bizarre deaths you’ll ever see” and that is not a false advertisement. I won’t spoil these glorious deaths (however the producers already spoiled one by making it the poster).

After killing almost all of the Top Ten Ginny begins to believe she may be the killer. She comes home on her birthday to find all her friends dead bodies sitting around a table and an exact look-a-like of herself.

Almost as if it were an ending to Scooby Doo the doppelganger removes her mask revealing herself to be one of Ginny’s friends Ann. Ginny kills Ann just as the police walk in. The audience never finds out if Ginny is arrested for the murders or able to prove her innocence.

This is what makes the movie shine where other films from this time failed. Not only is it beyond outrageous with it’s murders and the way the killer is revealed only to end on a dark and tragic conclusion. Unlike most slasher films where there’s always someone there to witness the survivor killing the masked murderer the films also pretend that ‘life moves on like normal’ (this excludes franchises like Scream that follows the survivors over a span of films). The reality is that you were just surrounded by various dead bodies and most of the people you know and love have been killed, there’s no happy ending regardless if the boogeyman is dead or not.

Hmmm that was kinda darker than intended.

Anyway my point is that it’s blend of dark humor and intense death scenes make this film more entertaining than some of the other 80’s slasher one-offs. Go check it out, it’s October damn it!

Geekscape Movie Reviews: REC3 – Genesis

by AllisonnnnnAugust 2, 2012

Nothing should get in the way of a woman and having her perfect wedding—not crazy relatives, not poor catering or a stuttering priest and definitely not zombies. Fortunately for Clara (Leticia Dolera), the first three potential terrors were not an issue, but when one is a fictional character in a Paco Plaza film, zombies are the order of the day.

Tackling [REC]3: Genesis without his usual co-director, Jaume Balaquero, Plaza broke away from the expectations of the franchise and angled off to explore a different direction: a comedy of the undead. Stifle your gasps of horror—the movie is still quite enjoyable, though if you are looking for the usual intensity and seriousness of the first two [REC] movies, you’re going to have to search elsewhere.

We are introduced to our lovely couple, Clara and Koldo (Diego Martin), just before they tie the proverbial knot. The rest of the cast is cleverly introduced as two cameramen, the official wedding photographer Atun (Borja Glez. Santaolalla) and the potentially annoying cousin, Adrian (Alex Monner), explore and interview the wedding guests.

What is lovely about the humor and found-footage style during this decently lengthy section is that we are able to view the relationships between the characters, to see the humanity and experience that loss later on as each character turns into a wandering, teeth-chattering corpse.

However, what should become an emotionally intense tragedy as the wedding party descends into the world of brain-consumption, turns into a building farce as more and more absurd situations come into play. Koldo dons armor and runs through the reception hall waving his sword while Clara’s weapon of choice is a blood-spattering chainsaw and the zombie battles border on ridiculous.

I am not saying, mind you, that this is a bad movie—it’s very much not. It’s highly entertaining, beautifully shot, and quite hysterical at times. But putting the label of the dramatic and intense [REC] franchise on this film was an error, and will certainly cause disappointment in more than a few fans as they settle into their comfy couches to witness an entirely new episode of [REC] that is not at all what they expected.

[REC]3: Genesis will be available on Video On Demand on August 2 and in theaters starting September 7. In the meantime, check out the awesome promotional posters below.

This Geek in Netflix: White

by AllisonnnnnJuly 11, 2012

Dear readers, you may have noticed a several week absence on the part of your author.

By your author, I mean me. Please save yourself some confusion. I know dealing with second person point of view can be a bit disorienting at times, but try to keep up.

Trust me when I say that it was absolutely necessary to take those few weeks to floss my Japanese turtle. Which is much kinkier than it sound, believe me—I’m a professional.

In celebration of my long-awaited(ish?) return, I’ve decided to gift myself with the 2011 Korean flick, White: The Melody of the Curse, AKA: White: Melody of the Curse, AKA: White: Curse of the Melody, AKA: White: Curse Melody of the.

WTMOTC is about a not-so-much-loved K-Pop all-girl group, Pink Dolls, that discovers a VHS tape in an old studio that has a song and dance number that suddenly catapults them into fame. Tragically, the tape comes with a curse: the angry white-haired ghost of a former pop performer set on the destruction of any one who attempts to take the lead role in the song.

Random herbal drinks give you wiiiiings.

I know, I know—it’s amazing that I kept myself away from it from so long, especially given my love of K-Pop. But I did manage to finally sit down and learn to love the four girls of Pink Dolls.

Okay, that was a lie: three of them were total cunts. Yeah, you heard me. Jenny, A-rang, and Shin-ji kept picking on the poor back-up dancer, Eun-ju, who was such a sweet heart. And I heard from Sun-ye that A-rang even switched Eun-ju’s shampoo for a name-brand!! WHO DOES THAT?!!

Fortunately for Eun-ju, between over-imbibing fluids, what appeared to be self-impalement, and a tragic accident involving a crane, those little show stealers are soon put out of business.

This movie started off as one of those underdog-rises-to-fame flicks. Everything was in place: the lead female on her way out the door due to age, the three other group members biting at her heels to leave, the pathetic loss at a competition to another girl group, and the miraculous discovery of the song “White” that would save the band.

It’s almost as if one writer turned in a screenplay to his partner who, as a practical joke, rewrote it as a horror flick. Or maybe I’m just projecting my own love for team-killing onto the writing world.

The imagery in the film was often intense and, as the story began to reveal itself, the recurring themes began to make more sense and added to the film’s artistry. Sure, a few parts of it were very much the standard gore that I see way too often in Japanese flicks like Tokyo Gore Police, but even with those hiccups, it was still fun.

This woman almost converted me to lesbianism in less than 90 minutes.

Of course I have a soft spot for those cheesy dance movies (Step Up, Center Stage, Take the Lead, etc. embarrassed etc.), so combine anything along those lines with a tragic ghost story and people running around shrieking their little K-Pop heads off, and you’ve got a perfect winner for my late night consumption.

No, not that kind of consumption. RedTube and I will be discussing that after I wrap up with Netflix.

If you find yourself craving a late night snack, that special blend of two delightful worlds, start buffering White: The Curse of the Melody of the Melody of the Curse on Netflix on Demand.

Geekscape Movie Reviews: Apartment 143

by AllisonnnnnJuly 9, 2012

Continuing on the popular found-footage trend that has haunted us to varying degrees of intensity since The Blair Witch Project, Nostromo Pictures’ Apartment 143 delves into the oft-visited world of parapsychology in apartment number—you guessed it—143.

Dr. Helzer (Michael O’Keefe) has descended upon the home of the White family with gadgets ablazing in an attempt to locate, document, define, and hopefully banish what they hope to be an actual paranormal event. His team consists of the beautifully accented, technically-oriented Ellen (Fiona Glascott) and the likely high school drop-out and camera man, Rick (Paul Ortega).

The White family’s case is an odd one, as it has the elements of several different types of paranormal sources. Bizarre sounds, the apartment shaking, objects moving around the house, apparitions, possessions, hovering, and the likelihood of a traveling spectre, as the White family moved once these events began plaguing them.

What makes this film fascinating is not the haunting itself, but the chase the movie puts you on as you attempt to figure out its source. First, there’s the daughter, Caitlin (Gia Mantenga), who clearly has some sort of trauma-based psychological issue. Then there’s the four year old son, Benny (Damian Roman), who by virtue of being a small child in a horror film immediately rises to the top of my list of suspects. The father, Alan (Kai Lennox), does not seem to be without his own demons—one in the form of his recently and violently deceased wife—yet another possibility.

Of course, then one has to wonder if they had the bad luck of escaping one haunted residence into a new residence that was haunted prior to their arrival. At that point, really, you just have to give up on life—that’s like moving from a house located on top of an Indian burial ground to a house located on top of a pet cemetery: you’re clearly fucked and a third relocation will probably land you at a refurbished mental hospital converted (after a tragic fire that killed all of the terribly violent inmates) into a set of charmingly underpriced apartments.

The movie was mostly typical of the genre, very little that hasn’t been done in other films. But it did have its fun moments and the explanation at the end didn’t quite satisfy my curiosity—something I love. I kept thinking I knew the answer and realized that I only knew parts of the whole, as the film slowly trickled out information as opposed to doing it all in shoddy, expositional conversations that always feel so false.

Apartment 143 is available On-Demand through Magnet Releasing.

This Geek in Netflix: House of Voices

by AllisonnnnnJune 20, 2012

In 2010, I watched a Spanish horror film called The Orphanage. That movie scared the shit out of me in a way that hadn’t happened since I was little and was pressured into watching one of the Chuckie movies with my father who proceeded to spend the next several months trying to create exciting new ways to terrify me with antique dolls.

Clearly the love-child of Geena Davis and Natalie Portman.

The Orphanage was released in 2007, three years after the French-Romanian horror film House of Voices (original title: Saint Ange) debuted. I bring the former up as House of Voices is, essentially, its mellow French counterpart.

No, not in its plot or atmosphere, but in the motifs that cycle through the two films.

House of Voices revolves around the happenings at Saint Ange, an orphanage in the French Alps in 1958, and the newly hired cleaning woman, Anna (Virginie Ledoyne – Francoise from The Beach). Anna arrives to Saint Ange during a mass exodus—the orphanage is shutting down as the children are being shuffled away having all been miraculously placed with foster families. It is Anna’s job to help put the building back in order.

No, don’t worry, this isn’t some sort of oddly arousing BDSM flick of the sexy scullery maid working herself to the bone while some disturbing landlord looks on and strokes his… chin. Anna has help in the forms of the haunted Judith (Lou Doillon) and the stout cook, Ilinca (Dorina Lazar). The trio are left quite alone as they scour the kitchen, dry the laundry, and play dress up.

This solitude is good for Anna, as we quickly discover that she is pregnant and very much against this whole state of child-bearing and wants to desperately pretend that her rapidly expanding stomach is just a case of extreme gas.

[Insert the lyrics to every Madonna song ever here.]

During her moody explorations, Anna begins hearing noises and seeing children scurrying about the deserted hallways of Saint Ange. Convinced that something is up, especially after being warned by a departing orphan to avoid the ugly children (really, don’t we do that naturally?), Anna starts digging into the history of orphanage, with the trusty Judith by her side.

This film was an interesting contrast of elements. Visually, it was full and beautiful without being overly lush, save for those brief transitions into “ghost areas” while being heavily contrasted against a very small amount of dialogue, almost enough so that the story could become easily lost if a single sentence was missed or misheard. This minimalist take on the dialogue removed a lot of the traditional verbal exposition and explanation, leaving the movie wide open to interpretation.

The character of Anna swung between being sympathetic and loathsome, causing me to alternate between cheering for her and wanting to punch her whining face, which is a fairly conflicted stance to take on a serious horror movie and an odd choice of presentation indeed.

In the end, this was more of a ghost story with heavy psychological elements than it was a horror movie, causing the tale to be of a more mellow form than that of The Orphanage, but even with its gradually accelerating pace it certainly never strayed—at least for me— into the territory of the boring.

If you’re looking for a movie to slowly unfold before you with a haunting echo, queue up House of Voices on Netflix Instant. If you’re looking to be scared shitless and possibly never sleep again, watch The Orphanage and be prepared to cry yourself to sleep that night.

Geekscape Movie Review: Entrance

by AllisonnnnnMay 18, 2012

Living in Los Angeles, you get stuck with this breed of people we call “hipsters.” They’re six shades of awful toting around oversized Raybans and ugly sweaters with the occasional neckbeard and, honestly, there’s this trend for one-size-too-small pants that the guys rock that isn’t remotely flattering.

So when I put in IFC Midnight’s Entrance and saw that it revolved around events in what I’m certain must be the hipster capital of the world, Silverlake, I cringed. No, no, no, I thought, please, no. I want to like this movie.

Suzy (Suziey Block), a young woman in aforementioned Hipsterville, moves about in a mind-numbing routine of feeding her dog, applying make-up, and working in a coffee house. But there’s something a little off about her. She’s nervous, twitchy, unhappy, and more than a little isolated even though she lives with one of her friends. Instinctively she knows that there’s something out there, something that’s not right at all.

Her instinct is definitely on the mark. Little things begin to happen, easily dismissed, but they still keep her a bit high strung. As the movie builds, she retreats from the incoming danger, only to find that it brings it that much closer with crazed aggression.

At first, the movie is choppy, disjointed. Feels an awful lot like Soderbergh’s The Girlfriend Experience, save that it manages to stay in chronological order. The camera is shaky and obviously tripod-less when she goes for her walks through the city, which annoyed the hell out of me, but I was eventually able to accept the bobbling of the view.

As the movie progresses, I was strongly reminded of the recent horror film, Silent House, starring Elizabeth Olsen. That particular movie’s gimmick, much like Hitchcock’s The Rope, was to appear as though they had shot it in a continuous take. The camera never leaves Olsen’s side.

It’s much like this for Ms. Block. The camera almost never leaves her and, not only that, but the takes are insanely long. It’s amazing watching the product of what had to be strenuously worked through choreography between the camera man and Block, and having this constant input of only seeing what Suzy sees and her reactions to said stimuli is incredibly intense.

This movie is definitely worth seeing so, if you’re like me and carrying a hefty amount of hipster-disdain, leave it at the door and enjoy this lovely film.

Entrance can be found in theaters, on IFC Midnight Cable VOD, SundanceNOW, iTunes, Amazon Streaming, XBOX, and Playstation Unlimited on May 18^th.

Geekscape Movie Review: Asylum Blackout

by AllisonnnnnMay 13, 2012

I have a few deep-seated fears: dolls, children, and crazies. If you ever want to make a movie that will cause me to go out of my mind, make it about a children’s insane asylum—the dolls will work their way in there somehow. I mean, you can’t not have crazy children toting around dismembered dolls, you know?

When IFC’s Asylum Blackout showed up on my door with that intense red and black cover, I was a little nervous. Sure, I love horror movies— I watch them more than any other genre, but some of them still manage to scare the crap out of me. But I steeled myself and settled down for the ride.

Asylum Blackout tells the story of George (Rupert Evans), Max (Kenny Doughty), and Ricky (Joseph Kennedy) —three bandmates who spend their days working in the kitchen of Sans Asylum, a high security mental institution for the criminally insane. Their shift consists of doing the standard kitchen stuff: receiving food, preparing food, serving food.

It just all happens to occur behind a thick glass window with a tiny little opening to shove through the tray. Because that’s not unnerving or anything.

After a chunk of time spent being introduced to the kitchen workers (most specifically George— I could not differentiate the other two band members and their friends due to near identical grunge hair and beards) and the creepy, shuffling, and occasionally violent inmates, a storm hits and wipes out the building’s power.

You know, hence the word “blackout” in the title. It makes sense, yes? Great, we’re moving on.

The power blowing out means, in this case, that the outside perimeter of the building is locked down but, for some not-quite-explained reason, all the inside doors are unlocked. With what appears to be a growing inmate conspiracy, George and co. run through the asylum looking for a way out while fighting for their lives.

This film started out, while not exactly strong, interestingly. The visuals were good, the lighting was intense, the atmosphere was coming along nicely, and the soundtrack called to my inner grunge kid. But as the movie progressed, it shifted to the sort of Hostel gore that has become increasingly popular in the last several years. You know, noses being bitten off, fingers being eaten, hands being chopped up, one of the characters slowly having their skin removed with a potato peeler… you know, that great stuff.

When I approach a mental hospital-centered movie, my desire is to have an exploration of insanity—why else choose an insane asylum? But there was only one inmate, Pete (Darren Kent), who really pulled off any solid degree of insanity. The other inmates were simply violent— overly violent, sure, but only violent. They still had their minds as they enacted their revenge on their guards (such as the swoon-worthy JB, as played by Dave Legeno—Harry Potter’s Fenir Greyback), nurses, and chefs, just as I would assume any horror movie focused on a similar situation in a normal high-security prison would have.

It’s not a bad movie, I will say. It does keep up a level of tension and gore that will please most gore-hounds. But the ending doesn’t make much sense, leading me to believe at least one important scene was cut, and the acting was very occasionally jarring, especially near the end. Even with that, the work put into this film is clear, and I think it would be worthwhile to keep an eye on its director, Alexandre Courtes.

Asylum Blackout has been released in select theaters and is available on SundanceNOW, iTunes, Amazon Streaming, XBOX, Zune, and Playstation Unlimited.

This Geek in Netflix: Assault of the Sasquatch

by AllisonnnnnMay 8, 2012

Assault of the Sasquatch? Assault of the Senses is more appropriate for this creature feature centered around—you guessed it—a sasquatch. What you may not have guessed, however strong your psychic powers might be, is that this particular sasquatch has Barbara Streisand hair.

Didn’t see that coming, did you? That’s right, here at Geekscape we keep you on your toes.

What you can probably guess by the title alone, however, is that this movie is steaming pile of… puppies. Sorry, Mr. London has decided that I’m no longer allowed to curse while I’m geeking out on Netflix movies and must substitute my profanity with more pleasant phrasing to reach the “family” market. Write him nasty letters.

Assuming you want the plot and not a rant about the injustices perpetrated by the ferreting Mr. London on his poor, downtrodden writers, let’s move on.

I got bored with taking screen shots. Here's a cat.

Somewhere in a bear preserve in New England, three hunters accidentally trap Harry Henderson via a pizza-baited bear trap. What they were doing in the woods hunting eighth grade boys, we’ll never know. What we do quickly learn about these gerbil-cuddling backwoods hicks is that there can be only one—as long as he sports a magical roaming eye-patch.

Through a short series of expected bungles and low budget effects, One-Eyed Willy (Kevin Shea) finds himself in the back of a ranger-mobile being hauled into the city for poaching thirteen-year-old boys on a bear preserve. Or poaching bears on a bear preserve. This movie isn’t quite coherent.

Are also waiting for the movie to make sense.

Before he and his night’s hairy snatch are dragged in, he manages to get one phone call off to a jet-owning, pith hat-wearing, trophy hunter who is willing to spend one million dollars for the privilege of being able to hunt the sasquatch.

One million dollars to snag a yeti? Man, you can go to a dive bar and do that for a couple two dollar beers.

The rangers haul Willy’s (actual name: Terry) van back to the city, unknowingly toting his furry prey along for the ride. Then things get… interesting? That’s not the right word at all. Then things… maintain the same level of tedium for the rest of the flick.

The sasquatch breaks loose of his metal confines and starts strolling the boulevard causing havoc with what appear to be indiscriminate killings, startling chubby nerds everywhere. As the police officers realize something is going on, they turn to their prisoner, One-Eyed Willy, and he preps them by extolling the inner psychological workings of the mighty sasquatch, which seem to be summed up with the phrase: don’t attack him and he won’t attack you.

This insight to Bigfoot isn’t exactly accurate, as the movie proves, but it’s not like someone was writing this thing and had to maintain some form of consistent internal logic.

Also wasn't built with consistent internal logic.

So the minimal police force sits inside their station and eventually fights the hair-beast as it suddenly comes back to attack them. What will happen? Will the trophy hunter bag his prize? Will the cops win out? Will anyone survive? Do I even care?

Let’s spice it up to see if we can induce some sort of caring. Throw in a strained father-daughter relationship with a spoiled little cun—uh, hedgehog, an ass-kicking stripper gone “good” (which is not nearly as awesome as it sounds), a snotty prostitute, and a mother-murdering criminal and suddenly this movie has more moving parts than the screenwriter could ever hope to maintain.

Not that I have any faith that he’d be able to maintain much in the first place. The script is clunky at the very, very least. Not that the casting helped. The two eligible bachelors both came off as potential (if not already active) serial rapists, the “hot” young daughter whose beauty was constantly referred to was the least attractive female in the movie… though ever assigning her a make-up artist or a hair stylist might have helped. Maybe next time, kids.

This movie, if you’re down for a senseless creature feature, is on Netflix Instant/Streaming/On Demand. Whatever flavor your cookie is, take a bite and settle in to watch the seasonal migrations of Willy’s eye-patch.

Geekscape Visits The Theater To See ‘Re-Animator The Musical’!

by Matt BlackwoodMay 3, 2012

You may wonder what to expect when going to see a musical play based on a horror movie. Yes, there are jaunty tunes. Yes, there are dance numbers. And oh yes, there will be blood.

Re-Animator the Musical, re-opening for a limited engagement at the Hayworth Theatre in Los Angeles today before beginning its international tour, is a perfect adaptation. It is at once a completely faithful re-imagining of the 1985 cult classic and a brilliantly original stage production.

The reason for this smooth transition is probably due to multi-talented director Stuart Gordon. Not only did he co-write and direct the original film, but he also has a strong background in theatre, having founded Chicago’s legendary Organic Theatre Company over 40 years ago.

Gordon directs a brilliant roster, including the entire original cast reprising their roles from last summer’s premiere run. Chris L. McKenna and Rachel Avery give charming and poignant performances as corrupted couple Dan and Megan; Jesse Merlin is a hilariously creepy Dr. Hill; George Wendt is, as usual, adorable; the chorus members are somehow chameleonic and notable.

But the star here is Graham Skipper as the titular re-animator himself, Dr. Herbert West. It’s an uphill battle taking on a role immortalized by the irreplaceable Jeffrey Combs, but Skipper makes the character truly his own. Whether singing or staring quietly, Skipper’s West is delightfully egomaniacal, but also cuter and more likable than the film version.

Graham Skipper as Herbert West and Jesse Merlin as Dr. Hill

The songs are bouncy and fun, but you probably won’t hear a standout number that will survive past the production. The music is catchy but pretty much never ends, giving the impression of a 90-minute medley, and the lyrics are almost too seamlessly interwoven into the story for the audience to appreciate their cleverness the first time around.

Of course, one of the unique things about this particular musical is its horror aspect. Gordon has re-teamed with the special makeup effects crew of the original film to reproduce all the decapitation, evisceration, and exsanguination that horror buffs will expect. In fact, there is so much gore that the first three rows are designated as a “splash zone”, complete with complimentary ponchos.

It should be noted that the effects here are ingenious, but this isn’t movie magic; it’s closer to a circus act. The wonder is not in the production’s ability to hide the strings, but in their ability to walk the ropes. Being up close and personal, you will see exactly how an effect is achieved, and you will appreciate the results all the more for it.

If you’re a fan of horror or musical theatre, and you’re planning on being in Los Angeles in the next two months, you can’t pass up your chance to see Re-Animator The Musical. You can buy tickets at http://www.reanimatorthemusical.com/tickets.html, and as a special bonus to Geekscape readers- if you buy tickets for this opening weekend, use the discount code 008 for 50% off ticket prices!

Geekscape Movie Reviews: Area 407

by AllisonnnnnMay 3, 2012

Very few horror movies will inspire me to nearly fall off my treadmill in fright. IFC Midnight’s Area 407 did exactly that. Don’t worry—nothing too important is bruised.

Area 407 is one of a growing number of what are called “found footage” films. If you don’t recognize the term, then you’ll recognize films among their number—most notably The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity.

Found footage films find a logic supporting at least one video camera’s presence and attempt to use the visual perception of realism to heighten the tension. You know, “this really happened”. In The Blair Witch Project, three film students were making a documentary, in Paranormal Activity, husband Micah was a camera bug and eventually had security cameras installed throughout their house. In Area 407, little sister Trisha (Abigail Schrader) steals a video camera from her older sibling, Jessie (Samantha Lester), in an enthusiastic desire to document their New Year’s Eve flight back to Los Angeles.

This is incredibly, incredibly clever. Toss a precocious girl behind a video camera and watch her interview fellow passengers, alternating between annoying them and endearing herself to them. We get to meet every major character pre-shitfest (technical term) and actually get attached to them before things fall into chaos.

And it is chaos. The sisters’ lovely flight from New York goes quickly south just when the plane hits a patch of turbulence. Now, I’m not prone to watching movies with plane crashes, but I was enrapt and absolutely horrified witnessing the— what I imagine to be— much too realistic footage of the event. It was truly terrifying.

Once the plane is on the ground, the sisters regroup and we are properly introduced to the survivors. Jimmy (James Lyons) is a journalist and the source of some of the camera equipment and lighting used throughout the film. Laura (Melanie Lyons) is the lovely accented air marshal, while Charlie (Brendan Patrick Connor) fills the role of the irrational, selfish jackass who consistently manages to upset any trace of cool-headedness that might be found. One flight attendant, Lois (Samantha Sloyan), survives as well as the now widowed Tom (Ken Garcia).

As the survivors begin to collect themselves from what could be termed an already horrible evening, Tom rushes off into the night to search for the other half of the plane which would, he wildly theorizes, contain his wife. After a brief interval of various coping mechanisms, noises are heard in the distance. Noises like screaming and unearthly growls.

It’s not a great time for anyone.

Things progress from bad to worse to downright sadistic as the night continues onward and the survivors realize that help is not coming and there’s a beast in the woods slowly picking them off. With no idea of where they are and no light aside from the cameras, the group heads into the woods to find some shelter, some assistance, some thing to save them.

I loved it. Well, I loved most of it. The story was excellent take on a somewhat traditional tale, the dialogue was realistic for the situation, the camera work—while a bit too high quality for the found footage genre in my opinion– was lovely. They did an excellent job of bringing it together, justifying the nearly continuous filming, and showing just enough—but not too much!—to keep me on the edge of my… treadmill.

However, there was the matter of the monster. The movie has this pretty cool concept going on that I think is executed excellent for the style they chose. And then, when the monster is finally revealed… it’s a letdown. You’re sitting there going, “Oh.”

I’d liken it to meeting someone on a dating site who seems amazing. Wonderfully written profile, gorgeous pictures, witty repartee. And then you meet and the pictures are not only about fifteen years and fifty pounds ago, but also neglected to show that the left side of his face is melted off. It doesn’t negate that you had some great and exciting internet exchanges, but you feel more than a bit misled.

My recommendation? Watch it. Watch it with full knowledge that the last two seconds of the movie are going to make you wince, and enjoy the rest of the movie as much as I did. It released in select theaters on April 27^th, but you can also find it on SundanceNOW, iTunes, Amazon Streaming, XBOX, Zune, and Playstation Unlimited.

This Geek in Netflix: Tokyo Gore Police

by AllisonnnnnMay 2, 2012

I have this friend. This friend that somehow manages to consistently convince me to watch certain movies I would normally do my best to avoid. After watching one of his recommendations, I always swear to myself that I’ll never listen to his film advice again, and I usually manage to succeed for at least a few months before submitting myself to torment yet again.

It has been almost half a year since I took a recommendation from him but, while I was over at his house watching Pocket Ninjas (My recommendation? No. Just no.), he mentioned a flick he had recently seen: Tokyo Gore Police. I was skeptical, but when he said “means of locomotion via crocodile vagina,” I once more fell prey to his wiles.

I’ll never listen to his film advice again.

Directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura (Vampire Girl v.s. Frankenstein Girl, Mutant Girls Squad), Tokyo Gore Police released in 2008 and, yes, everything you need to know is in the title: it’s in Tokyo, features the police, and there’s more gore than you can shake an amputated limb at.

As you start watching this movie, you might experience feelings of discomfort and uneasiness at the introduction of Officer Ruka, the film’s main character. Don’t worry—these feelings are perfectly normal as a result of having seen Audition, as the actress who plays Ruka is Eihi Shiina, the lead from that incredibly terrifying film (trivia tidbit: also recommended to me by aforementioned friend).

Up-skirt or no up-skirt, I'm fucking creeped.

Knowing my friend as I did, I decided that I wouldn’t witness Tokyo Gore Police alone, so I hopped onto OKCupid to look for a lovely young man to stream it alongside me, chatting back and forth as our eyeballs melted into one flowy mass of visual purification. Once I located my victim, a spectacular moustache-toting San Diego resident, together we descended into madness.

And it was madness, should there be any accusations of over-exercising my right of dramatic license. Do you question my judgment?!

Well, I don’t blame you. But let me build my case first.

Exhibit A. Yes, you just got owned in one picture.

The year is unknown. Sometime in the future, Tokyo has come under control of a privatized police force that has taken to wearing bastardized samurai armor that actually looks kinda awesome. On this police force is Ruka, a wrist-cutting, righteous enforcer of the law who occasionally travels by bazooka (you’ll understand when you’re older).

Tokyo is plagued by a new sort of criminal—the engineers. Rather than harmless desk jockeys that whose lack of social skills may or may not be autism-related, these engineers are self-created mutants who, when injured, use that injury to form a bio-weapon. Basically the equivalent of a lizard losing its tail only to grow back a giant machete with the capability of launching poison darts.

Not quite what I was talking about, but still terrifying.

It is the goal of the Tokyo Police Corporation to completely eliminate these engineers and Ruka is on the job as one of their top engineer-hunters. Wielding a sword and the occasional wicked chainsaw, she cuts through the enemy to find their weak spot—a little bit of flesh shaped like a key that, when separated from the body, causes the host to die.

As things are going as smoothly as they can in terrorized Tokyo, a new enemy surfaces: the Key-man. After divorcing a madam’s blood from her body and doing a hatchet job on her limbs, the Key-man steps up to battle the fierce Ruka and wins. For his victory lap, he plants one of the flesh-keys into her arm, converting her to the race she loathes.

I will admit that this sounds like the standard Japanese tale and you probably think that it does not warrant accusations of madness that I have made. You’d be wrong. Here’s a short list of reasons why:

Upwards bazooka travel. Crocodile vagina. Toothed breasts. Urinating flower-chair mutants. Latex fetish club. Mutant snail girl whore. Levitation via blood-loss. Bullet-firing elephant wang. Being drawn and quartered by cop cars. Amputee bondage slave. Amputee bondage slave with sword limbs. Amputee bondage slave with gun-limbs. Little Shop of Horrors left arm. Penis removal via teeth. Brain-shooting eyeballs. The worst press-on nails I have ever seen. Bush. Dance of the chainsaws. Face-splitting. Advertisements for wrist-cutters. Advertisements for swords for seppuku. Dispatcher dance number. Midget Satan. The best blowjob experienced by anyone. Wine bottle face-fucking. Acid-lactating nipples.

Are you not entertained? Are you not entertaiiiined?!!

If I could do this once a month, I'd be much more satisfied with my life.

I can barely articulate an opinion on this film. It had so much stuff in it, but it moved pretty slowly—too many excess scenes with excess characters that did nothing but say, “Hey, look at my acid-lactating nipples!” Mutant design was wonderful, but the movie was too often prone to backsliding into humor and traditional anime motifs and, on the gore level, there were a few scenes where I thought my gag reflex was going to kick in.

I can neither recommend or reject this movie, so if you think the madness list above sounds like a good time, enjoy yourself on Netflix on Demand with Tokyo Gore Police. While you do that, I’ll quickly retreat into my fantasy that every Japanese person ever only creates things like Katamari Damacy.

This Geek in Netflix: Rare Exports

by AllisonnnnnApril 18, 2012

After being forced to sit and endure the double-feature of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and 2-Headed Shark Attack, I decided to give the finger to the evil duo of Mr. London and Mr. Kelly and watch something this week that didn’t look like an eye-raper.

Feeling rather festive with my rebellion, I turned to a promising looking Finnish movie— Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. I know it doesn’t sound nearly as amazing as 2-Headed Shark Attack, but my survival rate is much higher with this one and, honestly, I like surviving.

Rare Exports is the third in a series of Santa-focused endeavors directed by Jalmari Helander, the first two being internet shorts titled Rare Exports Inc. (2003) and Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions (2005). Assuming those two are of the same quality and idea of this movie, it’s safe to say that they’re pretty awesome.

Yes, I said it—I watched an awesome movie. I admit I deviated from the recent spate of total suck in a major way as my rebellion bore non-Busey-related gingerbread man-shaped fruit.

Wordsworth would like you to consider the dandelion.

I will confess to being biased and, yes, having a major thing for the evil Santa Claus concept. This started when I was a young little horror nerdling, sitting around playing Hunter: The Reckoning: Redeemer on X-Box. You see, there’s this one scene where you stop at one of those mall-like Santa Claus areas and suddenly Mr. Claus walks into view and sprouts tentacles and pulls two giant (and angry, very, very angry) teddy bears with fangs out of his sack and it’s breathtakingly amazing.

But enough with my rhapsodizing about Tentacle Santa, let’s get to the reindeer meat of this movie.

Subzero Inc., a company purported to be engaging in seismic research on the border of Lapland, has been drilling into the Korvatunturi Mountain—not to further the field of seismology but, more deviously, to unearth the frozen Santa Claus.

Brilliant, right? Free Santa Claus from his icy fortress of solitude so he can rain down presents on all the good boys and girls of the world. That’d easily clear out the waiting list for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, no problem.

However, all is not as silent and holy as it seems as the butcher’s son, little Pietari, delves into old books on local folk lore after eavesdropping on the company’s plan. In his reading, he discovers that Santa Claus is not the loveable old gent we all believe him to be, but is instead a giant beater, broiler, and eater of naughty children.

As Christmas quickly approaches, the drilling goes silent and the town’s source of income, a large herd of reindeer, is brutally slaughtered by what the townsfolk believe to be large wolves and Pietari takes steps to protect himself once he finds footprints on the roof outside of his second-floor window.

The night before Christmas Eve, all of the children—save Pietari— disappear and Pietari’s father discovers an old man has fallen into one of his wolf-pits, pierced through the chest by the wooden stakes at the bottom of the hole.

He takes the dead man into his butcher shop but soon discovers that, while mostly non-responsive, the man is alive and reacts violently to gingerbread cookies and little Pietari. Soon two other men from town join him as they attempt to determine what to do with this odd old man and find that they may have captured something more strange and powerful than they bargained for.

Buy one naked guy, get several hundred others free.

This movie was wonderful, and so much more than what I expected from the usual Christmas horror movie. It was clever. It was truly, absolutely clever. Helander managed to work in and warp all of our Santa-related Christmas mythology in a lovely little, almost Gaimanesque way that I don’t have the pleasure of seeing all too often.

Story aside, visually this movie was stunning. The colors were intense, the shots wide and very dramatic— everything lent itself to the sort of fantasy setting this movie needed. The acting was wonderful and the boy who played Pietari was perfect for the role, a silent, studious Data (The Goonies) that stepped up to the plate when everyone else was wallowing in Christmas confusion.

So start a fire (preferably in the fireplace), set out some milk and cookies, and queue up Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale on Netflix on Demand. It’s that time of year, after all. Right?

P5YCH A Movie Horror Fans Should Be Supporting

by SaintmortApril 7, 2012

On the most recent episode of The Saint Mort Show I got to sit down with Matthew Currie Holmes and Tracy Morse who co-wrote the film P5YCH. After talking to these guys I immediately was impressed by their fandom and never-ending fountain of knowledge of horror films.

In a period of cinema where almost all of the horror movies are either sequels and reboots, Matthew and Tracy have found a way to create the most unique way to ‘reboot’ a film. P5YCH tells the story of five survivors, they’ve each experienced a truly traumatic event that was later turned into a hit horror film (Halloween, Friday the 13th Part 3, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Sleepaway Camp).

Now these survivors have to face the ghosts of their past. With Matthew and Tracy writing and past guest Rebekah McKendry acting as producer this film seem like a can’t lose product.

Check out the trailer, visit their website and donate to their Kickstarter! This is the unique film horror fans have been waiting for.

This Geek In Netflix: We All Scream for Ice Cream

by AllisonnnnnJanuary 31, 2012

Introduction, introduction, catchy phrasing that looks good on Facebook when you share it, jerk off, jerk off, jerk off. OKAY, LET’S GO!

HOLY FUCK.

Apparently, there’s this show called Masters of Horror which is neither full of mastery or horrific, but I suppose one has to set goals. From what I can gather, it’s like Tales from the Crypt without the prerequiste Crypt Keeper but with the super low budget.

Normally, I would avoid such things. Or I’d try to avoid such things, watch a movie, and then realize that, shit, I just watched an episode of a show. Because this is a *movie* review column, not a television episode review column… thing.

But I saw the cover of this movie, “We All Scream for Ice Cream” with its little melty ice cream cone/clown head and read the description and I shouted, “Bring it!”… at my computer. Which was really kinda awkward, it being an inanimate object that has absolutely no chance in hell if we got into a fist fight because IT HAS NO FISTS.

You couldn’t say no to this level of awesome.

Quick actor rundown: we’ve got William Forsythe as Buster, the retarded stuttering clown, who you may know as Manny Horvitz from Boardwalk Empire (he does a good job being a retarded stuttering clown, FYI). Then we’ve got some little kids who were from Trick ‘r’ Treat which is one of the best Halloween movies ever. And then there’s Lee Tergesen playing Layne (who only has a retarded name and is not actually retarded like Buster), who you’ll know from a variety of TV shows like Army Wives (Officer Boone), Generation Kill (Evan ‘Scribe’ Wright), Wanted (US Marshal Eddie Drake), Oz (Tobias Beecher), and Weird Science (Chett Donnelly). That man loves his TV.

Wow, that paragraph was too long. Look at the size of that thing. Jeez. Fucking Lee Tergesen throwing off my rhythm.

Now, I know you’re sitting there going “Who cares about the actors, tell me about THE CLOWN!” and, first off, I want to let you know that it isn’t very nice to be so dismissive about their hard work. Secondly, THE CLOWN, fuck yes, I will tell you so much about THE CLOWN.

This movie opens with an older man, assumedly “Dad” talking to assumedly “son”, Kenny, trying to convince him not to eat the ice cream bar he’s holding. Kenny basically tells him to fuck off and bites the bar. The dad gurgles and melts into ice cream like dads tend to do. Kenny says, “You shouldn’t have grounded me,” and continues to munch.

Dad’s creamy filling.

Cut to: the funeral of the dead man who is now, you know, just melted ice cream. And what I want to know is how he’s staying in a coffin– shouldn’t he be in a large tupperware or maybe even an over-sized ziploc baggy? Where on earth were the ice cream containment consultants when the script was being written??

Anyhow, there’s some dialogue and the phrase “horse-pucky” gets worked in. In case you were counting the amount of times “horse-pucky” gets used in a movie.

Reason #38 as to why I’m never reproducing.

Then we move to Papa Joe’s Bar, where vaguely drunk, possibly Canadian guy (possibly only Canadian when drunk, which some of us are) informs bartender (Papa Joe) and friend of the deceased about how the death of some guy named “Skip” may not have been caused by what they all think. He informs the bartender that Skip’s supposedly totaled car was found, perfectly fine, with only Skip’s clothing inside it. Theories about nudity and covered-up murders ensue and Layne eventually enters the bar.

On his way home later that night, Layne sees children standing on the edge of the street holding quarters while a creepy voice chants about ice cream. AGAIN, WHERE’S THE REALISM?! Show me a fucking ice cream truck where the most basic of popsicles isn’t at least a dollar. WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE KIDS GOING TO BUY WITH A QUARTER?!

?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!!!!!!!????!!!?!!!!!!

Anyhow, he pulls onto his street and his windows start rapidly icing up and he almost runs over his own kid, who also labors under the delusion that ice cream only costs a quarter.

Meanwhile, back on the route home from the bar, the drunk guy demands to have the car pulled over so he can run across the street, vault the fence, and vomit. Instead of, you know, just opening his car door and letting the highway take his bile. While he’s off vomiting in the woods, some unnamed and previously unseen kid bites the head off of an ice cream bar shaped like a human and the drunk guy starts… well, he’s either orgasming or someone installed a retarded hamster at the base of his brainstem.

It could honestly be either because, after a moment, all that’s left of him is creamy white… goodness(?).

As the movie-type-thing goes on, Layne has sex with his wife and, during post-sex confession booth time, he relates the story of Buster the clown, the retarded man who drove the Cheery Time Ice Cream Truck and would sell ice cream to all of the neighborhood kids, and how the local bully, Virgil, ripped off Buster’s nose and, eventually, with Layne’s assistance, accidentally killed him.

All he wanted was to get the high score on Burgertime! LIFE IS SO CRUEL!

After some very non-logical “detective work”, Layne realizes what is going on and sends his wife and kids off to grandma’s house so he can do a vague Home Alone-type battle with Buster.

This movie in sum: HOLY SHIT, THERE’S A RETARDED GHOST CLOWN ON THE LOOSE! HIDE YOUR WIVES, HIDE YOUR KIDS CUZ HE’S MELTING EVERYBODY UP IN HERE!

Dear out-dated cultural reference, I will continue to use you until someone pays me not to. (Email me at allison@geekscape.net if you want to arrange payment.)

He’s checked his Pyramid Head watch and determined its raping time in the hot tub.

Overall, this would have been a horrible movie, but as a Tales from the Crypt deal, it was exactly the quality you’d expect, and so it makes it okay. The plot is, as shown above, hysterical. The dialogue is colorful but iffy, as you can find some lovely “country” phrases in it like:

“It ain’t a stretch to think that one of his wild sperms got away.”

Yes, somewhere a lone bucking bronco of a sperm is racing wild through sun-filled desert valleys enjoying his freedom. Run free, wild sperm, run free.

That’s a severe amount of power lines. Jesus.

This sweet little number (HA!) is available on Netflix on Demand, and I suggest you watch it if you have a hankering for new cheesy horror material. I also suggest getting a gallon bucket of ice cream and sculpting little human-shaped dessert statues while staring creepily at your friends as it plays.

Carnivorous Cannabis: Finding The Ruins

by HongConnerCheApril 15, 2008

Warning! The following review contains spoilers! Read at your own risk! Go see the movie at your own peril!

“This doesn’t happen! Four Americans on vacation do not just disappear!” This was the line that was spoken by the lead character, Jeff, that sums up the secret message of Hollywood’s latest horror outing – “DON’T LEAVE AMERICA! You are much too hot, rich and white! Foreigners will kill you!”

This, of course, is not an original sentiment. With movies like Hostel, Turistas, Primeval, The Abandoned, and Brokedown Palace, Hollywood has been feeding our country’s xenophobia with a brand of fear that makes the average white person want to stay in their own backyard for the rest of their lives. The Ruins is no different. It has all the usual trappings of the modern horror movie: impossibly attractive, vapid teenagers on vacation and scary people with different accents, language and/or skin tone. The film does have one point of originality though, and that is the killer ganja that needs the nourishment of human flesh. You heard me.

Two young couples, who you would rather see lounge around naked by a pool instead of speak, befriend a German guy who is going to meet up with his brother at a nearby pyramid discovery. Sign #1 that trouble is about to happen: If you meet up with someone that has a different accent than you, they will lead you to trouble. They might not want to kill you, but they just might plant drugs on you, in which case you’ll end up in a Chinese prison. The two couples are Amy (Jena Malone) who is a slut and Jeff (Jonathan Tucker) who is a med student, Stacy (Laura Ramsey) who is not a slut and Eric (Shawn Ashmore) who has a t-shirt with a bull’s eye on it. You can pretty much guess how Eric is going to end up.

After some Jena Malone bikini action and some Laura Ramsey nudity for no reason, they decide to go with the German named Mathias (Joe Anderson) and his Greek friend Dimitri (Dimitri Baves) to The Ruins. Sign #2: the taxi driver doesn’t want to go there. Even after being bribed, he drives there but does not want to stay. A lesson to all – listen to taxi drivers, they value their own life above all. Ok. They value money above all, but their own life is a CLOSE second.

In the jungle, they run into two dark, little children who remain silent when spoken to. This is Sign #3: children that just stare at you blankly are always trouble.

They come upon a large pyramid that is over grown with pot, a true hippie’s delight. Three natives ride in on horses brandishing pistols, bows and arrows. They scream at the group in a native language. This is Sign #4: if Juan Valdez and his merry men show up with weapons, why are you not already running?

After missing all the signs on the road map to pain, I no longer have any sympathy for these people. As far as I’m concerned, they asked for it. An unwritten law of horror movies is that the darkest person in the group is the first to go. They have no black people in this movie, so you can pretty much say goodbye, Dimitri. You didn’t really have anything to say, and you served the purpose of being racially challenged.

There is another unwritten law in horror: the weakest one shall survive. This usually means the one who is most injured or the most annoying. In this movie they went with most annoying.

Amidst all of this, there are plants that kill and mimic sounds that, although creepy, couldn’t help but make me think of Alice in Wonderland. If the Cheshire Cat showed up it would have been so much better.

This movie was just okay. I didn’t hate it, but it doesn’t try to be more than what the trailer already gives us. The killer pipe weed was a bit interesting, but the creators of The Ruins didn’t go far enough in explaining the plants or their relationship to the evil natives.

I do have to give Hollywood some credit that this at least wasn’t another remake. It was, however, an adaptation of a book, so that still reinforces the fact that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas. I would have preferred to see the archeologist’s earlier unseen encounter instead of the stock teenage characters. Why can’t these stories have characters that are intelligent and have set pieces that have actual back-stories?

At another time in Hollywood history these movies would have been different. They would have probably starred Karen Black and James Brolin. In the golden age of horror movies, these stories would have been about adults discovering, and then overcoming, obstacles. Now all we are allowed to see are attractive teenagers that have nothing to say other than how their own ignorance will be their inevitable undoing. And of course, there is the most valuable lesson: every white person in America should just stay where they are. Forever.