I have this friend. This friend that somehow manages to consistently convince me to watch certain movies I would normally do my best to avoid. After watching one of his recommendations, I always swear to myself that I’ll never listen to his film advice again, and I usually manage to succeed for at least a few months before submitting myself to torment yet again.
This explains so much about my life.
It has been almost half a year since I took a recommendation from him but, while I was over at his house watching Pocket Ninjas (My recommendation? No. Just no.), he mentioned a flick he had recently seen: Tokyo Gore Police. I was skeptical, but when he said “means of locomotion via crocodile vagina,” I once more fell prey to his wiles.
I’ll never listen to his film advice again.
It's a nice night for an evening.
Directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura (Vampire Girl v.s. Frankenstein Girl, Mutant Girls Squad), Tokyo Gore Police released in 2008 and, yes, everything you need to know is in the title: it’s in Tokyo, features the police, and there’s more gore than you can shake an amputated limb at.
As you start watching this movie, you might experience feelings of discomfort and uneasiness at the introduction of Officer Ruka, the film’s main character. Don’t worry—these feelings are perfectly normal as a result of having seen Audition, as the actress who plays Ruka is Eihi Shiina, the lead from that incredibly terrifying film (trivia tidbit: also recommended to me by aforementioned friend).
Up-skirt or no up-skirt, I'm fucking creeped.
Knowing my friend as I did, I decided that I wouldn’t witness Tokyo Gore Police alone, so I hopped onto OKCupid to look for a lovely young man to stream it alongside me, chatting back and forth as our eyeballs melted into one flowy mass of visual purification. Once I located my victim, a spectacular moustache-toting San Diego resident, together we descended into madness.
And it was madness, should there be any accusations of over-exercising my right of dramatic license. Do you question my judgment?!
Well, I don’t blame you. But let me build my case first.
Exhibit A. Yes, you just got owned in one picture.
The year is unknown. Sometime in the future, Tokyo has come under control of a privatized police force that has taken to wearing bastardized samurai armor that actually looks kinda awesome. On this police force is Ruka, a wrist-cutting, righteous enforcer of the law who occasionally travels by bazooka (you’ll understand when you’re older).
Tokyo is plagued by a new sort of criminal—the engineers. Rather than harmless desk jockeys that whose lack of social skills may or may not be autism-related, these engineers are self-created mutants who, when injured, use that injury to form a bio-weapon. Basically the equivalent of a lizard losing its tail only to grow back a giant machete with the capability of launching poison darts.
Not quite what I was talking about, but still terrifying.
It is the goal of the Tokyo Police Corporation to completely eliminate these engineers and Ruka is on the job as one of their top engineer-hunters. Wielding a sword and the occasional wicked chainsaw, she cuts through the enemy to find their weak spot—a little bit of flesh shaped like a key that, when separated from the body, causes the host to die.
As things are going as smoothly as they can in terrorized Tokyo, a new enemy surfaces: the Key-man. After divorcing a madam’s blood from her body and doing a hatchet job on her limbs, the Key-man steps up to battle the fierce Ruka and wins. For his victory lap, he plants one of the flesh-keys into her arm, converting her to the race she loathes.
For yooooooou!
I will admit that this sounds like the standard Japanese tale and you probably think that it does not warrant accusations of madness that I have made. You’d be wrong. Here’s a short list of reasons why:
Upwards bazooka travel. Crocodile vagina. Toothed breasts. Urinating flower-chair mutants. Latex fetish club. Mutant snail girl whore. Levitation via blood-loss. Bullet-firing elephant wang. Being drawn and quartered by cop cars. Amputee bondage slave. Amputee bondage slave with sword limbs. Amputee bondage slave with gun-limbs. Little Shop of Horrors left arm. Penis removal via teeth. Brain-shooting eyeballs. The worst press-on nails I have ever seen. Bush. Dance of the chainsaws. Face-splitting. Advertisements for wrist-cutters. Advertisements for swords for seppuku. Dispatcher dance number. Midget Satan. The best blowjob experienced by anyone. Wine bottle face-fucking. Acid-lactating nipples.
Are you not entertained? Are you not entertaiiiined?!!
If I could do this once a month, I'd be much more satisfied with my life.
I can barely articulate an opinion on this film. It had so much stuff in it, but it moved pretty slowly—too many excess scenes with excess characters that did nothing but say, “Hey, look at my acid-lactating nipples!” Mutant design was wonderful, but the movie was too often prone to backsliding into humor and traditional anime motifs and, on the gore level, there were a few scenes where I thought my gag reflex was going to kick in.
I can neither recommend or reject this movie, so if you think the madness list above sounds like a good time, enjoy yourself on Netflix on Demand with Tokyo Gore Police. While you do that, I’ll quickly retreat into my fantasy that every Japanese person ever only creates things like Katamari Damacy.