With Christmas Day upon us tomorrow, thus ends the season of earworms ad nauseum. Whether it’s the painfully monotonous beat of Paul McCartney or Bruce Springsteen practically dying live on stage, Christmas songs are either loathed or tolerated merely because it’s just that time of year. That weirdo you know who legitimately loves Christmas songs? Probably a serial killer.
But if you can’t wait one more day to kill the monotony, here is a selection of phenomenal alternatives or mainstream hits that do not nearly get the airplay they deserve because, for some reason, people really love hearing Bruce Springsteen struggle to breathe for five minutes.
“I Want An Alien For Christmas” by I Fight Dragons (Cover of Fountains of Wayne)
Fountains of Wayne made a modern classic with “I Want An Alien For Christmas,” with their signature pop alt-punk and cutesy humor everyone remembers from their biggest hit, “Stacy’s Mom.” But the 8-bit alt rock reimagining from THE GREATEST BAND OF ALL TIME, I Fight Dragons, kicks the song ten notches up. The wonderfully nostalgic exchange between Linus and Charlie from the iconic Christmas special at the beginning masked with SNES beeps is just the pre-game to the absolute party that is the main song. I love you, I Fight Dragons. Never stop making music.
“Chiron Beta Prime” by Jonathan Coulton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0wjoNmaJEQ
You can always count on Jonathan Coulton to provide something quirky and off the beaten path, so it’s not hard to see why he is so beloved by the dwellers of geek culture. “Chrion Beta Prime” is a hilariously dark but optimistic track perfect to throw in a holiday playlist and catch unsuspecting listeners off-guard.
“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings” by Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan
I told you I would be including mainstream hits that don’t get the airplay they probably deserve. And yet, I’m thankful they don’t; if they did they wouldn’t have that edge the other holiday staples don’t. Their rarity is what makes them special. When you do hear them in that grocery store line or airport, it’s a welcome relief from the tired old shit like Bruce Springsteen dying.
Furthermore, this song in particular remains phenomenal. The Barenaked Ladies’s entire holiday album is a treat, and you should expect nothing less from the greatest Canadian alt-rock band of the late ’90s*, but their duet with Sarah McLachlan on “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” is a twilight journey through a sub-zero winter. No pun intended, it’s just plain cool.
*Thank you, Britta. For once, you didn’t Britta something.
“A New York Christmas” by Rob Thomas
I apologize if my elitist NY/NJ dick is showing, but if you know what Christmas is like in the greatest city in the world you would be in love with this song too. I can’t tell you if it’s my nostalgia from spending the holidays with my family in Manhattan or the post-9/11 pride that this song was written in light of, but something about this song just gets the season in that beautiful city right. You’d be surprised to learn that it’s also barely played on the radio. The only thing that separates residents around my area from the subject is a 50-minute train ride, so what gives?
“All I Want For Christmas is You” by Michael Bublé (Cover of Mariah Carey)
Confession: No matter how ubiquitous it is, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” is a masterpiece. I fully admit that and I don’t care how much cred I lose with that statement. With that in mind, holy shit guys, you need to listen to Michael Bublé’s cover. I get that The Bubble Man is a polarizing figure in music, but if you don’t melt at the first few notes of his Mariah Carey cover, you aren’t human. How on Earth did he figure out how to turn the ultimate upbeat holiday pop song into a slow ballad? He’s magic, you guys.
“Just Another Christmas Song” by Stephen Colbert
Speaking of magic, if you weren’t tuned into the final episode of The Colbert Report, shame on you. Without hyperbole, this song is just god damn perfect. “Make it the heart of my retirement plannin’.” It’s comedy gold and we are a better generation for having had him apart of us.
“Noel” by Animaniacs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO_S3ZayDNY
We were blessed to have Stephen Colbert in our lives, but we are lesser for having lost the Animaniacs. The show is nearly twenty years old but the comedy hasn’t dulled, and you can spend a whole afternoon still busting your gut at the legitimate genius this show oozed. I believe the best cartoons are the ones that are aimed at kids but treat them neither as children or adults, but as people. Animaniacs did that in spades.
There was a whole holiday special that was released on home video that my sister and I grew up watching, but “Noel” was strangely not included — and it’s probably the best they ever did.
“Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” by ‘N Sync
Shut up. SHUT UP. Okay. Look. Somewhere in my spirit, I am not a 22-year-old Asian man but a 15-year-old teenaged girl forever stuck in 1999. While I remain a die-hard Backstreet Boy and loathe ‘N Sync like a member of the Horde would loathe an Alliance scum, I willfully admit ‘N Sync made one hell of a holiday album. The whole CD is pretty damn good, and — remember, this is a big theme of this list — rarely played on the airwaves. This goofy video (with Gary Coleman?!) doesn’t do the song justice, it’s fun holiday pop tune that is as cheerful as “All I Want For Christmas is You” but far less earworm-y.
For the Horde. For the BACKSTREET!
“All I Want is You (This Christmas)” by ‘N Sync
IT’S A GREAT ALBUM, OKAY? What sells it for me? That god damn saxophone and fake elevator jazz aesthetic. I’m thankful this song isn’t played ad nauseum, or anything by ‘N Sync, really. One of the biggest-selling pop groups of the late ’90s, and their entire holiday catalog is left largely unforgotten. That’s okay though, because there’s more for us who know about it.
After joining and becoming a part of the Geekscape team this past Summer, I’ve had a wonderful year getting on my soapbox writing whatever I damn well pleased. It’s been a hell of a ride and I can’t wait to see what 2015 brings. Merry Christmas and happy holidays, Geekscape! From my family to yours.