The Expendables franchise doesn’t do for me what it does for so many of you out there. Even though I am a child of the 80’s, I never cared a lick for all the overly muscled, testosterone overdose flicks that permeated movie theaters and video stores back then. I never even watched a single Stallone, Chuck Norris or Van Damme movie, at least not all the way through. And if Arnold wasn’t a cyborg from the future, fighting weird aliens in the jungle, or up on Mars, I pretty much didn’t care. Having huge muscles, firearms, and talking monosyllabically did nothing for me (for similar reasons, the Punisher is maybe the only iconic Marvel Comics character that I have zero interest in.) So when my fellow movie geeks squeel like school girls at the reunion of all these past their prime action stars when a new Expendables movie hits, I have to admit I get a little jealous. Because I want something like that to get all excited about, but with the movie icons that I loved from back in the day instead.
And the movie icons of my youth were of the even bloodier variety. I was a horror movie kid, and I took in Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Hellraiser and similar movies like they were crack. Robert Englund was my Stallone, and Michael Myers was my Van Damme. I equally idolized the heroines of horror like Jamie Lee Curtis and Heather Langenkamp who kicked ass and sent their respective tormentors back to Hell. Well, at least until the sequel that is.
So with the success of the Expendables franchise, I think it is time to take the same premise and apply it to the modern horror icons. Get the classic versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers and the rest and put them into one big giant horror show. Go for broke, make it crazy and fun and a silly good time at the movies.
The Remakes Didn’t Cut It (No Pun Intended) This Would Celebrate The Classics
A few years back, something similar to what I’m suggesting was close to happening. When Freddy Vs. Jason came out in 2003, after some nine years of planning, it ended up making $114 million on a $30 million budget. This was a massive success for this kind of R-rated movie, and plans were set in motion for a follow up. Rumors swirled that Freddy Vs Jason Vs Michael was coming, or even Freddy Vs Jason Vs Ash. Then, New Line’s remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre hit a few months later and was even more successful. New Line decided to remake and reboot their respective franchises instead, hoping for similar success. All plans for a follow up to to Freddy Vs Jason with even more characters was snuffed in favor of going the remake route. Dimension Films followed suit with a reboot of Halloween not long after. Sadly, all the remakes captured the imagination of virtually no one.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was the first of the 70’s/80’s horror remakes to hit big in the past decade, and started the ball rolling on all the others. I actually think it is a pretty decent remake, as it honors the original while certainly having it’s own feel to it. The success of TCM lead to the horror remake wave of the 2000’s; if you saw a horror flick in theaters this past decade, it was probably some form of torture porn, found footage style scares, or it was a crappy remake of a beloved movie from the 70’s/80’s slasher movie heyday.
The thing is, almost none of these remakes really clicked. Oh sure, they made some money, at least enough money to cover their budgets. But critics and older fans like me saw them for the soulless, cynical cash grabs they were. the remakes for Halloween, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street all opened pretty well in theaters, only to plummet hard the following week. Horror movies are almost always front loaded, but all these remakes were especially so. And more importantly, no one talked about them afterwards, except to talk about how much they sucked. Within a few months they were in the discount DVD bin at 7-11. Platinum Dunes (who produced the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm St reboots for New Line) scrapped their plans for follow ups to Friday and Nightmare. Rob Zombie’s Halloween got a sequel, but it made half of what the first one did. Platinum Dunes has even said they are out of the horror remake business for now. In short, these iconic characters are just sitting on a shelf now, collecting dust.
While most of the teenagers and early twenty somethings that are the prime consumer targets for most media are mind numbingly unaware of almost any pop culture that pre dates, oh, say the year 2000 or so, horror movie fans are a of a different breed. No matter how young they are, the serious horror fan has an encyclopedic knowledge of horror films, and from what I’ve gathered, most of them hate the new remakes as much as old fogies like me do. The remakes just didn’t work for any demographic, which is why I say…bring the originals back for one last hurrah. Give us a wise cracking Freddy Krueger again, a Michael Myers who isn’t a wrestler, bring back the classic monsters of yore, put them together in a movie Expendables style (or, if you will, Avengers style) and just go fuckin’ nuts. It might end up being terrible, but it probably won’t be boring.
So What’s The Plot?
So what should the plot be for a horror version The Expendables? Honestly, who cares.
Ok, ok, I’m kind of kidding. Seriously though, no one, and I mean no one, is going to go see this movie for the plot. They are going to go see it to see their favorite boogeymen from their youth hack up a bunch of stupid teenagers in bloody and inventive ways, and hopefully Freddy and Chucky will have awesome one liners. No matter which way you swing it, there is going to be a camp element to this. Better to just embrace it, instead of overly complicating the plot to somehow have it all make sense. As much fun as Freddy Vs. Jason was, there was way too much of that in that particular movie. On some level, whoever is making this has to just accept that it all doesn’t really make sense, and just roll with it.
If this was the plot for the movie, I’d still watch it.
But since there has to be a plot of some sort, how about this for one? Freddy returns to Springwood to torment the nightmares of the teenagers once again. This time he uses the souls of other famous boogeymen to do his bidding in the dreamscape. So teenager #1 can get killed by Freddy in a classic Elm Street scenario, while teenager #2 gets whacked in Haddonfield by Michael Myers, and so on. At some point, they are all pulled out of the dream world and start reaking havok together for real. Cue Ash to the rescue! See? Easy as pie. Like I said, it doesn’t have to be complicated, it just has to be fun. A movie like this can’t try to bite off more than it can chew, it’ll never get good reviews from the New York Times no matter how good it is. Much like The Expendables, it’ll be made for the fans and for no one else.
Who NEEDS To Star In the Horror Expendables, Or Else There’s Just No Point
Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger
Obviously, Robert Englund needs to be Freddy Krueger in this movie. Without him, this whole thing just isn’t worth it. I know the man retired from playing Freddy, but if anything can get him back in the make up chair, it would be something like this. Come back Robert, make us forget that stupid remake and be the final word on Freddy for all time.
Kane Hodder as Jason Voorhees
Obviously, everyone’s favorite hockey masked killer has to come back too. And he should be played by Kane Hodder, who played Jason for four Friday the 13th movies and was passed over for Freddy Vs Jason by that movie’s director Ronny Yu. Time to rectify that error. Kane Hodder is a horror legend, appearing in literally dozens of horror movies. If Jason is gonna be in this movie, it has got to be Kane Hodder. And he needs his iconic ch ch ch ah ah ah souto follow him where ever he goes.
Leatherface
Leatherface has been played by a different actor in almost every movie he has been in, including Kane Hodder in parts of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Not sure who needs to be Leatherface here, but the character needs to be in this movie. Not to mention, the rights to the character are held by New Line Cinema, who also hold the rights to Freddy and Jason, so it is kind of a no brainer.
Michael Myers
The original iconic slasher. Bring back the silent, deliberate moving embodiment of evil from John Carpenter’s original classic Halloween, not the wrestler with the white trash upbringing (once again, fuck you very much for that Rob Zombie) Also, gotta bring back the classic Willaim Shatner mask. Michael Myers has been portrayed by several actors and stuntmen, but as long as they evoke “the Shape” and not Rob Zombie’s trailer park wet dream, I’m good.
Doug Bradley as Pinhead
Actor Doug Bradley has played Pinhead in three Hellraiser movies and countless straight to dvd sequels for almost twenty five years now. He almost was a surprise cameo at the end of Freddy vs. Jason, but that didn’t pan out for whatever reason. I can’t imagine Bradley wouldn’t be down for a movie featuring all his fellow horror icons.
Chucky (voiced by Brad Dourif)
Rounding out the main cast, you need the last of the great 80’s slashers in the form of Chucky from Child’s Play. We know character actor Brad Dourif will willingly voice Chucky in pretty much any movie, as there are even plans for a sixth Child’s Play movie for next year, this time straight to DVD. With so many other silent killers like Michael, Jason, and Leatherface, we need another trash talking, smart ass in the group besides Freddy. I nominate Chucky.
Bruce Campbell as Ash (or just as himself)
So who fights all these monsters and sends them back to Hell? Who else but Bruce Campbell? He could revive the Evil Dead trilogy’s Ash, or just play an exaggerated version of himself. In any event, the hero of this flick needs to be the one and only Bruce. I know he would be down to do this, as a couple of years ago, he made a public pitch for a horror version of The Expendables himself, although it obviously never got off the ground.
Cameos
A movie like this is tailor made for tons of cool cameos. These are just the ones off the top of my head.
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. -At 60, she doesn’t look a day over 30. As much of a horror icon as any of the boys. She needs her fifteen minutes here, or at least her fifteen seconds.
Jamie Lee Curtis-the original Scream Queen. All others must bow in submission. She has never shyed away from her horror movie roots, and would no doubt be down for something like this if the cameo was a fun one.
Christopher Lee-At the ripe old age of 90, Christopher Lee is easily the oldest horror icon on this list. But he’s still goin’. He makes cameos in like every Tim Burton movie, someone get him for this. Let’s be honest, the clock is ticking on this one.
Linda Blair-the little possessed girl from The Exorcist is all grown up now, and has no problem making fun of her turn as the pea soup vomiting, crucifix masturbating demon spawn. She’d make for another great cameo part.
Oh Yeah…There Is One Teeny Weeny Obstacle.
If there is anything to ever keep this from happening, it is the fact that the various characters are owned by several different parties. New Line Cinema/Warner Brothers owns Freddy, Jason and Leatherface, so that’s three down. (I would imagine it would be New Line who is the primary studio getting this made, but that’s just a guess) Michael Myers’ rights are currently at Dimension Films, which is owned by the Weinstein Company, as are the Hellraiser rights. Chucky as it Universal. The real trick will be to get the Weinsteins and Universal to loan out Micheal Myers, Pinhead, and Chucky, and convince them it would be in their best interest financially to do so.
The sequel to Rob Zombie’s Halloween remake pretty much flopped, and their plans for a Halloween 3D were scrapped not long after. Getting Michael Myers in a horror mash up produced by another studio is low risk, high reward for them, as it raises the profile of a character they own, and they don’t have to do any of the real work. Not to mention, they’ll be paid nicely for the use of the character no doubt. And right now Pinhead and Chucky are in straight to DVD Hell, a high profile theatrical release could only help those franchises as well for their actual rights holders. The trick is to get all the lawyers in a room to sit down and agree that by making this movie, everybody wins. Don’t let greed kill something as cool and fun as this could potentially be.
So there’s my pitch for an all horror version of The Expendables. This is money in the bank, not to mention a potentially very entertaining time at the theater for millions of fans who grew up watching these movies. So feel free to steal my ideas Hollywood, that’s what I’m here for. And you’re welcome.