In all of my years (months) reviewing Netflix on Demand horror movies, I’ve yet to see one that quite lended itself so well to being made into a porn.
Not that I watch horror movies looking to adapt them to pornography– I just hope that they become sex-loaded on their own for my, er, viewing pleasure.
Kinda an awkward picture choice, given the above paragraph.
Which means it is with much happiness that I share with you the 2006 horror flick, “5ive Girls”. No, that isn’t a leet typo leaking out as I write, it’s the actual spelling of the actual title. As opposed to the fake spelling of the fake title. Keep up, kids.
The same man who brought us the television series Todd and the Book of Pure Evil and the movie Ham & Cheese, Warren P. Sonoda, was not only the director of this fabulous movie that lends itself to satisfying most of my sexual needs, but also the writer. So, thank you, Mr. Sonoda. Especially for the spanking scene. (More on that later.)
Unsuccessful Sequels: The People That Hang Out Next to the Stairs.
We’ve got some faces you, the reader (See, I’m the writer and, if you’re reading this, that makes you the reader. Unless you’re not reading it. Then you can fuck off.), probably won’t recognize but will definitely appreciate.
First, we have Amy Lalonde (Possibly recognizable as Tracy Thurman in Romero’s Diary of the Dead as well as a bit part in Battlestar Galactica. I mean, she’s done other stuff, but you probably haven’t watched it, so don’t expect me to write sentences about all this shit you haven’t seen because you aren’t dedicated to the art of film. Jesus.), then Jennifer Miller (playing someone called Lap Vixen Thumper from something called Bitch Slap which I now need to hunt down like a crazed stalker), and finally Jordan Madley (who is way too hot, like way, way too hot, and you might know her from, most recently, an episode of Femme Fatales).
Oh, and there’s this other guy, Ron Perlman. You might have heard of him. No? Okay, well, let’s move into the plot then.
See, he's this actor that... oh, never mind.
We open on a cute little blonde, Elizbeth, sitting in a classroom, sketching Satanic images, you know, like you do in Catholic school. It’s kinda their paint-by-numbers fallback, if you aren’t hip to such things.
After a brief interaction with Father Drake (Perlman) that gives us the not so subtle hint that he’s molesting the girls, Elizabeth is suddenly possessed by something that possesses things. It’s all very complicated. After the possession is complete, Elizabeth is gone, only a bloody mess left at her desk. (It’s too easy, so I’m not going to.)
"Come here often?" "Uh, yeah."
Before we can see the fallout of this bloody disappearance (British cursing or descriptive phrasing? You be the judge.), the movie suddenly attacks us with the phrase “FIVE YEARS LATER”. I find this all very unfair, as I wanted more blonde and less blood screen time.
So five years down the line, Alex Garrison, another young blonde chick, is getting dropped off at the same Catholic school by her father. Apparently, she’s done something (or not) that has broken the camels back, crossed the line, gone past the point of no return, thrown stones in glass houses, put two birds in one bush, allowed her loose lips to sink… wait, what?
Sour grapes cannot change their spots. What?
We learn that she is now one of five female students at the newly re-opened Saint Mark’s School for Girls, run by the kinda psychotic head mistress, Miss Pearce. Can someone please explain to me what, exactly, a “head mistress” does? I think I’ve met some in my time.
Slowly, the girls are introduced. You know, after the strip search. (Note: Not. Joking.) We have the witch, Connie, the badass, Mara, the blind anarchist, Cecila, the softie, Leah, and Alex, our female lead.
This room's feng shui is totally off.
During this time, Miss Pearce also takes blood samples and, in doing so, causes Alex to reveal her telekinetic powers. All the girls have some sort of psychic power that is eventually revealed as the movie progresses, and some of them are more useful than others.
As the classes begin, strange things begin to happen. None of it is ever spooky, jump-inducing, or even tension building. (That’s okay, because this isn’t one of those movies.) Quite quickly, we see that Elizabeth (Remember, that blonde from the beginning of the movie? Man, it was only a few paragraphs ago, how could you forget already??) is haunting the school, trapped between life and death.
Part of aforementioned strip search. And hot.
The movie, however, isn’t about how Elizabeth haunts the five girls. She barely features, appearing every so often and never being a true threat. Where the threat lies, and this is fairly obvious from the get-go so I’m not spoiling it for anyone, is in Miss Pearce, who is messing with things she ought not to be messin’ with, to quote scads of other movies.
Now, why should you watch this film? First off, it has hot girls in Catholic school girl outfits. That’s a seller right there. Secondly, there’s a bit of sexy school girl lesbianism. Thirdly, of course, there’s some bare-chestedness. Most importantly, however, we’ve got a spanking scene. Yup– plaid school girl skirt up around the waist, bent over a desk, being beaten with a yard stick by a hot blonde in a pencil skirt and blouse.
You're welcome.
And some of you might be reading this and going, “OH MY GAWD, YOU ARE THE SICKEST PERSON EVER, HOW COULD YOU PUT THIS IN YOUR REVIEW?!” But I’d like to point out that for each person that says that, there’s five people queuing up this movie right now.
Also, sickest person ever? I’d argue that. Here’s a true story, a tidbit into the life of your vaguely beloved author.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at my favorite club. A fully grown man at least a decade older than me approached me and asked if he could sit on my lap. He disclaimered it by telling me that there was nothing pervy about it. I declined, and then he explained that he had a particular fetish for women who dress as taxi cabs and let him ride them, piggy-back style. And that, if they won’t dress like cabs, he just wants to sit on them. I told him no, no thank you, please no thank you, please goodbye, and bolted.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY. MY LIFE IS HELL.
She is, admittedly, not having the best time either.
In conclusion: school girls. Spanking. Skirts. Win. Having a fetish for anthropomorphic taxi cabs? Lose.
This movie (back to the topic at hand), also has this weird Satanic Care Bear scene that is infinitely amazing. Not because it’s filmed excellently, but because it’s a fucking Devil Care Bear scene. You don’t see that every day. Or any day, really.
Was this film good? It was sketchy. Some points were great, some points, not so much. The soundtrack seemed as though every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was condensed into one movie. The dialogue was occasionally spotty, and some things simply did not make sense or were not followed through with (i.e. Father Drake’s love of molestation).
"It's a hard-knock life for us."
But it was an easy watch, an entertaining watch, and not exactly typical. There were some great shots in there, great lighting (sometimes), and amusing (if out of place) one-liners that tried to make this movie smarter than it was.
So do what I would do: pop some popcorn and grab some lotion and a box of tissues, and fire this film up on Netflix. Just make sure your blinds are closed before you begin– you don’t want any more awkward moments with the neighbors.