Author: Joe Starr

Geekscape Movie Reviews: ‘Meet Me There’

by Joe Starr

Two strangers forced into interaction at the airport never leads to anything pleasant. Meet Me There, the self described ‘art house horror film’ from director Lex Lybrand and writers Brandon Stroud and Destiny Talley, kicks off with the discomfort and anxiety dials set high, and gradually cranks them to 11 until the closing credits.

Ada, played by newcomer Lisa Friedich, suffers from a number of sexual dysfunctions, which her therapist suggests may stem from a blocked childhood trauma. Her boyfriend Calvin (Michael Foulk) offers to take her back to her hometown to look for answers.

The premise is a simple and uncomfortably honest one. The resolution is not so simple- it is, after all, a horror movie- as Ada and Calvin search for the truth in a small town drowning in religion.

Meet Me There thrives by knowing exactly what it is: a tension piece more concerned with tone then plot. In the chaos that follows Ada’s return home, we’re treated to escalating insanity but very few answers as to what or why. It’s actually a refreshing approach, as if writers Stroud and Talley heard audiences collectively saying ‘don’t show us the monster!’ at screenings of countless other horror films, took pity, and tossed us in the deep end. Once the credits rolled, I had more questions than answers, which only added to the disturbing aura of the rural Oklahoma town that the movie explores.

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The highlights of the film are easily Friedich’s Ada, and Dustin Runnels’ sinister performance of Preacher Woodward. Runnels’ portrayal of the small town preacher gives a dark cloud of tragedy, adding a lot of weight to what could be a one note ‘creepy Jesus guy’ character, and it’s obvious that once Runnels retires from his day job of being professional wrestling legend Goldust, he’s got plenty of options.

Lisa Friedich is a stand out new addition to the pantheon of young scream queens: a raw and understated hipster Ellen Ripley that commands the camera.

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The movie isn’t without its flaws. There are some pacing issues with scenes that don’t push the action forward. Boyfriend Calvin doesn’t have a lot to do beyond remind us that things are ‘pretty messed up,’ which the story does a good job of not letting us forget on its own. Meet Me There could have easily been a solo adventure for it’s heroine.

Lybrand has a tendency to keep the camera tight and close, which is often helpful in communicating the idea of the world closing in on Ada, but as a result, he limits the tools in his story telling kit by not allowing the camera to open up the world for the audience. For instance, at one point in the third act, our heroes on the run stumble across something in the woods, react in fear and disgust, but we the audience don’t get a solid idea as to what it is they’re reacting to, or where it is in the physical world of the film.

Regardless, Lybrand is a natural with mood and tone, and the screenwriting team isn’t afraid of exploring high stakes personal territory. Horror movies aren’t much without their subtext, and the relationship between abuse and religious suppression is a bold direction to take for a bold debut that’s worth seeking out. Combined with Friedich’s natural charisma, the sky is obviously the limit for how far the four horsemen behind Meet Me There can evolve and grow for future projects.

Lord Of The Rings: The Worst Movies Ever Made Ever

by Joe Starr

This past Thanksgiving, to prepare for the upcoming release of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, I picked up the Lord of the Rings: Extended Editions blu ray set. I really loved the Lord of the Rings films and was excited to revisit them in on their glory!

I can’t explain to you what happened, because these movies are awful. They’re terrible. I can’t outright prove that these three movies caused all of the cancer in the three years they were released, but it can’t NOT be proved, either. Here’s a bunch of reasons why Peter Jackson ruined everything and also probably caused Superstorm Sandy!

Disagree? I’m @joestarr187. Let’s yell at each other! But also, you’re wrong and I’m a writer on the internet!

Crappy slo-mo shots!

I’m sure slo-mo shots looked fantastic in PJ’s wannabe Sam Raimi zombie films, but there’s really no place for them in a billion dollar epic franchise based on the king of all fantasy books. But there are a thousand of them anyway: In Fellowship, almost every shot of Orcs doing stuff in Saruman’s forges looked like Ash would be swinging in yelling ‘GROOVY’ while chainsaw arming people to death. I’m amazed no one got raped by a tree.

Maybe if Peter Jackson hadn’t been so worried about his beard looking nice against his piles of money he would have spared us all the B movie overkill cheese, because by the time Haldir slo-mo died I almost fast-mo died.

Justifications, please!

In Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings, we’re just told things, and never really told why. It’s something that is in the book, so it needs to get marked off of the checklist. If you haven’t read the books, the vague justifications seem like lazy and nonsensical writing. Of course, lazy writing is to be expected from Peter Hackson.

In Fellowship, Elrond tells us that ‘the time of the elves is over’ and that they’re ‘leaving these shores.’

Ok.

Erm… Why? And if they’re leaving, why do they keep sticking around to do things? It makes no sense.

Why not just have Elrond remind Gandalf that the elves have been defending Middle Earth for centuries and are being ordered to evacuate. It’s more or less faithful to the books, as the elves had been encouraging everyone to get on the ships and get the hell out for ages and it’s a better reason than ‘they just are.’

And why does Gimli want to go to Moira? That place is clearly terrible and it seems like he’s the only guy that doesn’t know it. It’s like that one buddy who hasn’t been to a Pizza Hut since 1995 and always wants to go to Pizza Hut and doesn’t know that they fell into shadow sometime in 2001. Is Gimli an idiot? He keeps talking about going to Moira and Gandalf just rolls his eyes with intense fear at the idea and Saruman the Narrator tells us it’s full of crazy looking demons but Gimli keeps right on rambling about his cousin Balin and dwarf buffets.

Just let Gandalf explain why he doesn’t want to go: no one’s heard from Balin’s colony and they might be dead and you need to deal with that and Gimli can ach and laddie and bad date and I’d rather watch that scene than Cahadras, the most worthless ten minutes of any film ever made (and I’m including every youtube video ever uploaded).

Who are all those men fighting for Sauron? We’re never told. They’re just wicked, which with the robes and the elephants  just ends up being uncomfortable code for ‘brown people.’

No more original songs!

There are a million songs in Lord of the Rings. If you cut all of the songs out of Lord of the Rings books, they’re shorter than The Hunger Games.

So why Fellowship ended with a song written by Enya is a mystery so unsolvable that Robert Stack should be telling you about it.

Explain why LOTR is terrible? I can’t deal with that right now! #Transformersjoke

You really have to have Enya? Fine. Just have her open to a random page of the book and plink out some Pure Moods with a rain stick and some synthesized chimes. Just use the lyrics that are already there.

Tolkien is a better writer than you!

Thanks to Eater Jackson, Lord of the Rings is not a good example of an adaption that improves the movie. His version of Aragorn and Arwen’s story is a great example.

Aragorn is ‘one of them Rangers’ and he loves Arwen and he is supposed to be the king. What’s a Ranger? Why isn’t he King? Why hasn’t he just gone ahead and married Arwen?

Apparently in the book these explanations are super complicated, so they had to be changed. So Pete, why isn’t he the king? Well, he’s full of fear and self doubt! The most muddled and lame justification in movie history! Yay!

The problem with Aragorn being full of doubt and weakness is that throughout the next 3 days worth of movie, nothing Aragorn does remotely suggest that he’s afraid, weak, or unsure of himself. He is a total bad ass that sets the Witch King on fire at Weathertop. Gandalf couldn’t even do that, and he’s Magneto. And that guy in Da Vinci Code. Remember when that was a thing that mattered?

The explanations in the book? NOT COMPLICATED. Elrond won’t let him marry Arwen until he’s defeated Sauron and claimed the throne of Gondor. He’s a classic movie dad making the guy that loves his daughter prove himself.

One does not simply walk into Diane Court.

Oh and Sauron destroyed Arnor, his homeland. This gives Aragorn real stakes. How cool would him trusting Frodo to go to Mordor alone with his love life and revenge at stake have been? A lot better than ‘I swore to protect you! Remember earlier when we said you’d have all our weapons?’

The adaptation also tried to make Arwen a cool bad ass chick. They started out well enough with her showing up in the woods to save Frodo, but her storyline quickly devolves into a bunch of terrible nonsense about her leaving Rivendell but coming back six times and then almost dying for some reason and who cares. She’s a Bella Swan that sits and cries and then gets married.

Let the book do the work for you. In the book, Aragorn rides around being awesome with a group of rangers and Elrond’s sons. Later, Elrond’s sons deliver all of Aragorn’s king gear to him in Rohan. Just make the brothers Arwen!

Toss a scene after the Council in Rivendell of Aragorn and Gandalf ordering the Rangers, led by a likeable Phil Coulson character, to spread out and take warnings about Sauron throughout Middle Earth. Arwen tries to go and Elrond won’t let her because parents just don’t understand. And then instead of a random group of elves showing up at Helm’s Deep, Phil Coulson can show up with Rangers and we’ll like him even more.

With Arwen ACTIVELY refusing to give up on Middle Earth instead of just dreamily saying she won’t, Elrond eventually realizes that his daughter is awesome and deserves some support, and has the sword reforged and gives it to her to take to Aragorn herself. This also givens Arwen and Elrond a logical, satisfying story arc instead of collection of random shots of them lounging in an Instagram filter.

Which brings us to the worst part of Jackson’s adaptation: the Paths of the Dead. AKA, Aragorn shows up with a ghost army and saves the day, making the sacrifice of everyone that died defending Gondor completely pointless because there are no stakes when an unbeatable ghost army gets involved. It’s why I hated The King’s Speech.

Arwen shows up with the sword in Rohan with some rangers. She says ‘hey, me and Phil Coulson gathered all the Ranger companies and the militias on the coast because remember you told us to do that in the first movie but there’s a Corsair fleet penning them in. Here’s your sword. Here’s the banner of the King. Let’s get these ghosts to get our army free.’ That’s more or less what happens in the book.

How cool of a moment could we have had in the movie if the black fleet had shown up at Gondor, and then flown the banner of the King? And then Aragorn and a shitload of Rangers and his hot wife and a dwarf and Orlando Bloom charge out of the boats, inspiring everyone to fight harder and get excited about The Return of the King? Because in the movie I’m not sure anyone knew he was back until they put a crown on his head.

Instead we followed up that fantastic charge of Rohan with a big ghost fart. It was like dumping a Jar Jar scene into the middle of Empire. “I love you.” “I know.” “MEESA LOVES AN APPLE! OHHHBIDAISIES, ANI!”

Less Oscar Moments, Please.

Peter Jackson has two settings: Frodo and Sam Are Crying and Frodo Is Dying While Sam Cries. He’s about as subtle as an episode of ‘The New Normal.’ Do Hobbits breathe with tears? These fuckers cry and hug for two entire movies. Sam’s ‘I can carry you!’ moment is supposed to be the beautiful, emotional heroic moment of the film, but at that point we just want these assholes to quit crying and get up the damn mountain.

Take out 94% of the shots of Frodo and Sam gacking up eye butter and you’ve got an extra hour for Rangers and Paths of the Dead and probably some Tom Bombadil because people seemed really pissed off he was cut.

There you have it. You now know that Lord of the Rings was crappy and now your life has completely changed from reading this article.

Is there hope for The Hobbit?

I’d like to stroll into the theatre without a care in the world, ready to enjoy Martin Freeman take his rightful place as one of the world’s biggest movie stars. But more than likely, I’ll be hoping the eagles save me 20 minutes into the movie.

At least people will finally get what the hell those eagles were all about.

 

Stephanie Brown Begins In ‘Batgirl: Spoiled’!

by Joe Starr

“After a close call leading to a falling out with Batman and Oracle, Batgirl goes out on her own to reexamine her place in the Gotham and the world at large…”

After a massive premiere at Stan Lee’s Comikaze, the much hyped first episode of the fan created Batgirl: Spoiled is online!

The Justice League Movie: A Mostly Coherent Guide To Super Friends on the Silver Screen

by Joe Starr

A lot of ‘to do’ and ‘ruckus’ has been made over how Warner Brothers should go about making a Justice League movie. Does Batman need to show up at the end of Man of Steel? How do we introduce people to all the characters? Should there be nipples?

While Marvel has had insane success with the first phase of their movie universe by bridging multiple hero movies into a shared storyline leading to The Avengers, 99% of all other movies with an ensemble cast typically manage to give you a story and characters within the first 10 or 15 minutes. And if Avengers has taught us anything about audiences at super hero movies, you don’t need to justify crazy powers, clashing genres, or put everyone in dark black leather. The crowd just wants to be entertained.

So my advice to Warner Brothers? Regardless of how Man of Steel does, just go make a Justice League movie. People know who Superman and Batman are, a lot of people kind of remember Wonder Woman, and that’s really all you need to get on board.

In fact, to help out, I’ve graciously spent 15 minutes of my life outlining a movie for you and casting the roles. You’re welcome. Please pay me. I need to see a dentist.

JUSTICE LEAGUE!

So the first thing you need to do is give a quick nudge to where we are in the world. And how do we do that without Iron Man touch screen and holo displays? THE NEWS. Show us all 17 24 hour news channels in the DCU doing a quick blitz of President Lex Luthor, who was elected after the entire city of Gotham was held ransom by Bane and is now entering his second term with a strong anti metahuman agenda in response to Superman, explaining that in the wake of the recent death of American fighter pilot Steve Trevor, who crashed on  a mysterious Amazon Island, which recently appeared out of no where, these strange Amazon warrior tribes represents a clear and present danger to the United States and we’re gonna wipe the place out. USA! USA! USA!

Yeah that’s right, suck it Marvel! Ed Norton as Lex Luthor! I’m about to American History X a bunch of superheroes with SCIENCE! Eat a dick, Ruffalo!

We cut to chaotic footage of the D Day style invasion of the Amazon Island. It looks like a modern Saving Private Ryan but with 300 looking warrior ladies instead of Nazis.

“Victor can you believe all chicks with swords? It looks like something out of Revenge of the Titans, a great movie I saw in 3D 7 times! OH GOD ARROWS!” A young terrified marine named Victor Stone (John Boyega) saves a buddy with awesome movie taste by punching out a warrior lady but then gets nailed by a ton of friendly fire and some guy is like OH GOD MEDIC! And they cut back to Amy Adams as anchor Lois Lane at Daily Planet and she’s like ‘yeah so that was an awful thing to see. Here’s some cats in a wheelbarrow.’

Yeah I just watched Attack the Block. So what? 

We cut from the Victor Stone POV to a bunch of armored ladies forcing Princess Diana (that’s unfortunate) to evacuate because they need to make sure she’s safe and protected. Throw in some statues that look exactly like Lucy Lawless because who else would play Hippolyta in the eventual Wonder Woman movie? We get some tossed in lines about ‘that man that crashed in the iron bird…I thought he would recover! What happened?!’

Hi, I’m Katrina Law. I’m on the show Spartacus where I kick the crap out of people and am super beautiful. I’m literally the only actress on the planet currently qualified to play Wonder Woman. 

The Amazons maybe didn’t kill that pilot like the president says they did? OH SNAP SOMETHING IS ROTTEN ON THE ISLAND OF… Does it have a name? Sorry, I’ve been spending all my money on Avengers books my whole life. How stoked are you guys about Marvel Now? LOTS of really cool titles dropping and…Ok.

JUSTICE LEAGUE.

That’s where you throw the title. See? Just jump into this shit. Instead of overthinking about how to make this OK for an audience, just punch them in the face with it, show them how cool it looks to have Xena chicks beating the shit out of the cast of Blackhawk Down and have them be like ‘holy balls, what the eff word?!’ when the title drops. In addition to blowing everyone’s minds out of their buttholes, now we know Batman exists and that the Nolan Bat movies and Man of Steel are this movie’s Phanton Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith, and A New Hope. Welcome to Empire Strikes Back.

Wait Joe! Remember at the end of TDKR when Batman retires and the Looper guy replaces him? Well, we’ll deal with that later. Ok? Hey look, a private jet owned by Wayne Enterprises!

Bruce Wayne is watching the news on the invasion from his private jet.

Bruce: “It’s hell over there, Alfred. A completely unprovoked act of aggression on a people we know nothing about.”

Alfred is played by Michael Caine again because that dude doesn’t turn anything down ever.

Alfred: “Well sir, perhaps you could show them what happens to acts of aggression in your city.”

Bruce: “That’s the problem, Alfred. This isn’t my city.”

Reveal of METROPOLIS! Batman is in Metropolis! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.

Honestly? I don’t know who the hell should play Batman. But right now I’m going with Dustin Clare, because male DC heroes should never be played by American actors. ‘But a Bruce Wayne this young could never fit the Nolan timeline!’ you say? New 52 Batman banged Talia and had a 12 year old son in 5 years.

Argument invalid.

DAILY PLANET: Clark! Get in here! Yeah Perry? You’re covering the premiere of Honey Booboo The Movie tonight! But I thought I was covering President Luthor’s dinner? Are you kidding? You look awful on camera. Lane is covering the dinner! You’re covering this crap. GET ON IT.

People keep telling me I need to learn how to format scripts and I keep telling them to stop trying to hold me down. That scene was magic.

Also this movie needs to have a sense of humor about Green Lantern, where people always mention that they heard about what happened in Green Lantern and no one believes any of it because it just sounds ridiculous.

At the dinner, Luthor reinforces his stance on metahumans, that aliens like this…Superman not only spit at the law, they spit at the human spirit and the idea of human achievement. But in the spirit of human achievement, thanks to a partnership between Lexcorp and the Pentagon, the poster boy casualty of the Amazon Invasion, Victor Stone, has been saved! Project: Cyborg! Cyborg, covered in lots of cloth and gauze, waves to the cameras and asks the President when he can get back out there! Everyone claps because America. Also, Lois Lane hits on Bruce Wayne a bunch! “Hey Bruce we all thought you were dead after the Bane incident but when you ended up being fine we were all weirded out that you didn’t take your house back from those orphans and he’s like ‘Lets just say Gotham is in good hands and I’m focusing on a global scale.” See? Addressed. At some point he decided to unretire and then wink at the Grant Morrison fans with a seriously thin Batman Inc reference. It’s this movie’s unfinished Cap shield.

And then Diana from the Island busts in and is all like YOUR FAULT! ALL OF IT! Bruce Batmans up in a some kind of bad ass mobile costume suit up sequence and defends the president against her! It’s the first Batman sighting since the Gotham City siege!

Hey! Also in the room! It’s a catering guy! It’s a misplaced plane! No! It’s Superman! Still played by Henry Cavill because I really want his movie to be awesome! High powered Lexcorp soldiers led by Amanda Waller still played by Angela Basset who’s been by the President’s side in like every scene he’s in are escalating the crap out of things! The president points to the cameras and says C WE REALLY NEED 2 DO SOMETHING THESE GUYS R A MENACE K THANX. Lexcorp troops are going to kill Wonder Woman and Superman is all like woah due process and they’re ‘like suck a dong Superman’ and so he grabs Wonder Woman and Batman and flies them to THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE. Wonder Woman and Superman fight because she’s freaked out and he locks her in a cell because chill lady.

Batman and Superman take a moment to size each other up. Everyone gets boners in the audience, except for people who are wondering where Thor is. You know where he is? He’s a hot lady in a cell in the Fortress of Solitude because Wonder Woman should be DC’s Greek God based Thor and her movie should have been the Clash of the Titans remake but in present day and how hard is that to figure out?

President Luthor announces a big Skynetty computer AI defense system to track and deal with metahuman threats. He laughs and reminds everyone that people always accuse him of being a Brainiac so that’s what it’s being nicknamed. Batman tries to check out the Brainiac project by breaking into Lexcorp. In one room he sees a big global map with different areas located, squints his eyes and says ‘Atlantis…?’ and then Cyborg attacks him because these heroes have to get on the same page, am I right??

But then it turns out that Luthor built Brainiac with what he thought was Krypton tech but it turns out to be whatever it is that Brainiac actually is and I’m not exactly sure what that is because looking at his Wikipedia page gave me a migraine. But any way, Brainiac attacks and Cyborg is saving people and Batman is in the holding cell Cyborg and Amanda Waller dumped him in all like ‘let me help you’ and Wonder Woman is like ‘let me help you’ to Superman and he’s all like ‘I dunno lady I’m a boy scout and you’re dangerous’ and she’s all ‘ughhhhh you’re an idiot but also my sexy male equivalent.’

And then Brainiac hits the Fortress of Solitude and trashes it. It’s on. Superman and Wonder Woman show up in Metropolis to fight it’s AI hordes. Cyborg goes against orders and lets Batman out and the team comes together. At some point Batman picks up a bow and arrow and says WELL THIS IS JUST STUPID staring right into the camera. Eventually Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, and Cyborg beat Brainiac through a series of progressively escalating CG action pieces that make up most of the third act of the movie and the world forgives Warner Brothers for Batman and Robin but not for the Matrix sequels.

NEVER FORGET

Brainiac not being completely dead is teased. At the end of the movie after the good guys win, Supes salvages the fortress to begin building a new structure so that they can keep an eye over the world they’re trying to protect. You know, like an Avengers Watchtower.

And then Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern shows up and Batman is like ‘oh, you’re real?’ and in the background a wacky homeless guy who earlier bet another homeless guy that ‘there’s no way a guy ever fought a purple jizz fog because how stupid does that sound?’ just quietly hands his buddy three bucks. And Green Lantern says ‘But seriously guys, I hate to sound ridiculous, but I’m a galactic peacekeeper, and Earth is about to be invaded. By Mars.’ And then there is this crazy shot of White Martian fleets mobilizing.

HEY we’re in the sequel to rub John Carter in Disney’s face a little more!

And there you go. You get the big three anchored by a young every man people can get behind because he served his country. You get Lex Luthor as a legit bad guy that isn’t scamming real estate agents: He’s the POTUS. You get guns vs. swords and you get super heroes vs. AI robot hordes. You get a Martian Manhunter tease. You get an Aquaman nod.

Because you guys HAVE to have an Aquaman nod.

*sighs, waits for millions of dollars to roll in*

Geekscape Presents Warm Up: Megan Koester

by Joe Starr

Tuesday, September 4th, Geekscape Presents returns to Michaels Bar and Grill in Burbank. On the lineup: Megan Koester, who you can follow @bornferal. She’s got a joke about Big Johnson shirts, which instantly put her into my top 5 favorite people. Megan is like a dark Jordan Baker, golden age Hollywood meets jokes about Nazi memorabilia.

Geekscape: What are some things you’re geeky about?

Megan Koester: God. To be “geeky” about something implies that one’s passionate about something; in that regard, I don’t know that I’m geeky about anything. Cigarettes? I love cigarettes. Is it possible to be a cigarette geek?

Geekscape: I think it is…Give me three opinions you have about cigarettes.

Megan: Sure. They’re great at keeping people you don’t want to interact with at bay. They pair well with alcohol, something else I feel passionately about. You’re going to get cancer anyhow, so you may as well have some agency over it.

Geekscape: I feel the same way about Phantom Menace. I think this counts as geekdom. In fact, I want cigarette geeks to have their own Comic Con now.

Megan: It would smell less atrocious than the actual Comic Con.

Geekscape: Less heart disease, too.

Megan: Exactly.

Geekscape: Geeks always get bent out of shape by people posing as geeks. If you’re a cigarette geek (which it’s tough to be in 2012!), what makes a cigarette poser?

Megan: Someone who smokes light cigarettes. Especially Marlboro Lights. You may as well just be breathing air at that point.

Geekscape: Marlboro Lights would be like the Batman Forever to a Camel Red’s Dark Night, in geek terms.

Megan: I used to work at a comic book store in Seattle. One day, these two dweebs were talking about the Batman movies – this is pre-dark, brooding Batman, incidentally. In re: Batman Forever, one dweeb said, “Listen – I don’t have a problem with gay people. But I think Joel Schumacher should get AIDS for what he did to Batman.”

Geekscape: And that man grew up to be Paul Ryan.

Megan: Our future vice president is a dweeb?!? NO!

Geekscape: What is your ideal dream cigarette?

Megan: One that tastes like what it feels like to go down the Ragin’ Racer slide at Raging Waters.


Come see Megan, along with Dave Ross, Tom Franck, headliner Asterios Kokkinos and more at Geekscape Presents! Next Tuesday, September 4th at 9:00!   It’s free!

Geekscape’s Not Quite The Next Big Thing: The Common Cult

by Joe Starr

A few months back, Geekscape fell in love with Mermates, a web series about a man who moves in with a mermaid. The group behind Mermates is the trio of writer Michael Jonathan Smith and actors Chris Yule and Alex Aschinger, otherwise known as Working Fish. After 6 episodes and a 2 part Christmas special, Working Fish has announced their follow up, Common Cult, a tale of turning 30 and summoning Old Gods. We spoke with Michael Jonathan Smith about cults, their current Kickstarter campaign, and getting to work with a budget.

Geekscape: Coming out of Mermates, was there a pretty strong focus on making sure the follow up project was super different?

MJS: Absolutely. We knew we wanted it to have a bigger cast and a completely different concept – something that would really show that we can do more than just come up with fish puns. But we still wanted it to tonally feel a little close to Mermates, mainly when it came to the mix of the mundane-meets-supernatural. But because I’m writing it, I think it would feel that way no matter what.

Geekscape: Tonally they could almost fit in the same universe. The Working Fishverse.

 MJS: Exactly.

Geekscape: What was the inspiration behind making the next supernatural focus Lovecraft?

MJS: I’ve always been a fan of that kind of stuff, Lovecraft, Old Gods, all that jazz. I love the idea of secret societies that worship these horrible ancient things. The off-days of these people, where their cultish alter-egos leak into their normal daily lives, seemed funny to me. Similarly to the mermaid focus of “Mermates,” I thought we could mine a lot of comedy from it. Plus, I had a lot of fun coming up with all the Old Gods for it.

Geekscape: So where do we find Chris and Alex’s characters in the secret society?

MJS: So Chris and Alex are playing pretty different characters from their roles on “Mermates.” Alex plays “Leon” who is kind of the de-facto leader of the group. He’s the one that keeps everyone together, the one who recommended starting it in the first place, and the one trying to breathe new life into the stale club. He’s definitely more serious.

Chris Yule on the other hand, plays Donald, who is more of the group’s wild card.

The rest of the secret society (called “The Circle of Five, The Wheel in the Darkness”) is Casey (played by Anil Margsahayam), the first married man of the group, Rachel (played by Kim Kutner), who can totally hold her own amongst a group of guys, and Micha (Mike Funt), who’s the classic new guy of the group.

Geekscape: The great thing about Mermates was the tone and sense of humor- it’s very bright. Not that it’s wholesome- Mermates got very twisted at times, but it’s not cynical at all. It’ll be neat to see that applied to Old Gods and Cthulu.

MJS: Thanks, that’s one of the things I explained to everyone when we started working on “Common Cult”: there’s really no cynicism when it comes to this stuff, there’s very little “why are we doing this?” It doesn’t feel fun to me to have a bunch of people trying to explain why they’re doing this stuff. After awhile, it’s like we’re explaining our existence to our audience. I like Micha (the new guy) a lot because he’s thrust into this situation, but he’s the kinda guy that doesn’t have a lot of friends anyway, so he’s just happy to be included.

Geekscape: “We’re gonna do what exactly? Hey whatever, friendship!”

MJS: I try to write characters you really enjoy hanging out with, like you want to be part of the group.

Geekscape: If I’m gonna summon nightmarish tentacle demons, it’s gonna be with these guys.

MJS: Exactly! They’re very positive about it.

Geekscape: Mermates was done with no money, and looks fantastic. With a Kickstarter campaign behind Common Cult I’m really excited to see what you guys do with a budget.

MJS: Mermates was written with “what do we have at our fingertips” in mind. I’ve said this before; just the idea of an everted mermaid (human on the outside, fish on the inside) came from the question of “how do we have a mermaid without makeup?” So with a budget for Common Cult, it’s already been amazing – just being able to afford things like costumes and fake blood has been a godsend. It’s also really great because everyone is doing this for free, so we can afford things like buying meals for them, which can get expensive! It’s going towards things we didn’t even think about on Mermates, like film festival submission fees. It’s nice to know we can focus on making something great, instead of questioning if we can afford it.

Geekscape: And you guys hit your Kickstarter goal in a day.

MJS: Yes! That was a complete surprise. We have some incredibly generous family, friends and fans.

Geekscape: So now there’s 15 days or so left, what happens now that you’ve got a budget surplus?

MJS: It’s all going back into the project. We’ll be able to apply to more film festivals, advertising, upgrading some of our equipment (we just bought a really amazing tripod that we would’ve have been able to afford otherwise), and then put more money into the Kickstarter rewards. We added a bunch of stretch goals, like donators receiving t-shirts, doing a set of six prequel mini-sodes, and even forcing Alex and Chris to wear their robes for an entire day. We just met that one, actually.

Geekscape: You’ve got to be pretty excited.

MJS: We had our first table read with the cast, and that was pretty amazing. We went through all six episodes, and hearing these guys all working together, they have a lot of chemistry.

Geekscape: After the table read, are there any fun surprises or things that you maybe weren’t excited about before but now you’re like ‘I can’t WAIT until people see THIS’

MJS: I’m extremely excited to have people see these episodes. We are really stretching ourselves to top Mermates and the Christmas Special. There are some really great scenes with this cast, and they’re all so talented and hilarious. I’m just excited at the prospect to do something more on-going – Mermates was always designed to be six episodes, but this we want to continue past one season.

Geekscape: Of course, there is still cool stuff happening with Mermates. You guys are nominated as an LAWeekly Best Of, for one thing.

MJS: Yes! That’s extremely exciting, we’re up against some pretty big popular shows. It’s nice for everyone involved to get some recognition for a job well done. It’s a juried award, but for best webseries they want the internet to help vote.

Geekscape: Hopefully it’s either you guys or Between Two Ferns. Zach could really use the press

MJS: Absolutely. Some of the guests on that show are crazy-underground. Like Natalie Portman?

Geekscape: Who’s that?

MJS: I HAVE NO IDEA.

Geekscape: When can people look for the first episode of Common Cult?

MJS: Hopefully late September, realistically around October. But keep checking our Kickstarter for updates, and the official Working Fish website.

 

White Man Can’t Kick: The Top 10 White Dudes in Martial Arts Stories

by Joe Starr

As long as there have been stories, there have been white people out to prove that they are better at doing whatever it is the people in those stories are doing. And as long as there have been white people that love martial arts, there have been white dudes hanging around the Asian dudes in martial arts stories. Sometimes they’re the hero. Sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they’re awesome at martial arts. Sometimes they’ve got no kung fu at all. And sometimes they’re white, but Hollywood wants you to think that they’re not because no one wanted to hire a Chinese guy for their Chinese guy story.

Here are the best, worst, and most memorable white dudes that the world of fictional martial arts has to offer.

Glacier (WCW)

Pro Wrestling has a long tradition of trying to pinpoint things that are cool in pop culture and incorporating them into the squared circle. Like when Robocop rescued Sting in WCW, or when the WWF pushed wearing leather fanny packs into the main event scene. In the late 90’s, WCW decided that the best way to keep winning the Monday Night Wars was to borrow heavily from the hit video game Mortal Kombat and debuted GLACIER, because nothing screams ‘future of the business’ like a guy in a Sub Zero costume doing sidekicks in the middle of Rupp Arena. WCW spent millions on this white ninja’s entrance, which included laser lights and and synthetic snow. Glacier makes the list because he is the ultimate worst example of white guy Martial Arts: a bunch of white southern guys with no real reference to what makes martial arts great outside of ‘my kid likes this immortal combat game’ trying to create a live action martial arts epic in Hulk Hogan’s backyard. It went GREAT.

Ninja Master Gordon (Cobra vs. Ninja)

The tale of actor Richard Harrison is an interesting one: he was known for his B movie spaghetti westerns when he signed on to do a ninja movie with director Godfrey Ho to cash in on the late 80’s ninja craze, AKA my defining years. Without his knowledge, his scenes were cut up and placed into more than a dozen terrible martial art movies like Cobra vs. Ninja and Ninja Avengers, all billing him as the star. In the IMDB age, I now know of the tragic scam that killed Harrison’s career. But when I was a kid, I only knew him as Ninja Master Gordon, the dude in the bad ass ninja costume that said ‘ninja’ on it that once visited a place called The Unicorn Village.

Billy and Jimmy Lee (Double Dragon)

Talk about handing everything kids in the late’s 80’s/early 90’s loved on a roundhouse kicking platter: punching dudes in the woods, sleeveless vests, and sweet double team moves. Double Dragon was total wish fulfillment for 10 year old boys: if a guy showed up with a weapon you didn’t own, you got to beat the crap out of him and steal it. If you beat the game in co-op mode, Billy and Jimmy fought each other to see who got to bang the chick they just rescued: just like most things involving ten year olds, the game devolves into an argument over who gets to play with the Turtle Blimp.

Also, if you can score 50,000 in Double Dragon, Fred Savage is going to think you’re a pretty big deal.

Roper (Enter the Dragon)

Unlike a lot of white dudes on this list, Roper got to pal around with Bruce Lee. He’s also a fun turncoat character, being tempted with a role in a massive drug trade, as opposed to just being a dude with no sleeves on his vest that’s like ‘you kidnapped my girlfriend! NUNCHUCKS!’ He chooses the Bruce Lee path and the two take an awesome stand in one of the best third act sequences in a martial arts film.

White guys can’t kick, but they can give the best damn thumbs up on the planet. MURICA!

Haggar (Final Fight)

I’ll let Wikipedia’s explanation speak for itself, because I can’t write anything nearly as good:

Chronologically set during the time of the original Street Fighter, Final Fight is set in the fictional American metropolis of Metro City, based on New York City. A former professional wrestler named Mike Haggar is elected as the new Mayor of the city, promising to handle the city’s criminal problem in his campaign. The Mad Gear gang, the dominant criminal organization of the city, plots to bring Haggar under their control by kidnapping his daughter Jessica and using her as leverage against him. Enlisting the help of Cody, Jessica’s boyfriend and an experienced brawler himself, as well as Cody’s sparring partner, a ninja named Guy, Haggar opts to fight the gang instead in order to save his daughter.

Look at this guy’s resume. Haggar may not be the most popular guy on the list but he’s the most accomplished. A pro wrestling champion turned POTUS turned shirtless vigilante? He’s Brock Lesner, Barack Obama, and Batman rolled into one guy. You kids work as hard as Haggar and you can eat all the hamhocks you can find.

Kwai Chang Kaine (Kung Fu)

White people love kung fu but they haven’t always loved Chinese people. The solution? Get David Carradine to kind of squint a little. Carradine was able to spin an entire career out of being the white guy in Martial Arts films. It’s not because he’s particularly good at kung fu. It’s because part of what white people love about martial arts is the mysticism, and what Dave lacked in being Chinese he more than made up for with beads, feathers, and fringy handmade jackets with dream catchers sewn into the collars. Also, a mysterious ninja death cult staged his death to look like he had died jerking off while strangling himself. MYSTICISM.

Joe Armstrong (American Ninja)

Does anyone even remember the origin story for Joe Armstrong? I sure as hell don’t. I know he’s a ninja and he’s in the army and do we really need to know anything else? Joe Armstrong makes the list for single handedly carrying video rental chains through the 80’s. A ninja concerned with the success of small business? HOW AMERICAN.

Ken Masters (Street Fighter)

The ultimate white guy in martial arts video games: Ken Masters is the standard bearer. He’s a white guy that grew up with and trained in martial arts with a Japanese guy and they were like brothers and then the white guy became a Hollywood star but he never forgot his roots and when his Japanese brother needed him he tore the sleeves right off his gi and brought his hadukens to the party. Johnny Cage fan? GTFO.

Remember the Chun Li shower scene in this movie? Remember your buddy that was convinced you could buy an x rated version at the flea market?

Danny Rand (Invincible Iron Fist)

Danny Rand is amazing. He’s like Batman, but he’s not an unlikable prick. And instead of all that crap about needing a symbol, he was just like ‘eh, the kung fu is enough.’ Also, whereas Batman was like ‘ughhh my parents are deeeeead’ Iron Fist punched an ancient and powerful dragon in the heart.

I love Iron Fist. He’s my favorite Marvel super hero. If you haven’t read Brubaker and Fraction’s run of Iron Fist with David Aja, you should, because it’s pretty much perfect. It’s a fantastic mix of martial arts, Kung Fu mysticism, steampunk, Shaft, and dragons. In fact, it should be #1 on this list. #1 only has a few edges over it, and the big one is this: at the end of the day, Iron Fist is a prime example of ‘the white guy is best at it.’ It’s a testament to how good a read Invincible Iron First was that you can ignore it, but it’s kind of hard to ignore when comparing him to…

Jack Burton (Big Trouble in Little China)

Big Trouble in Little China is the perfect ‘white guy involved with Asian stuff’ movie. Jack is cocky, arrogant, handsome, occasionally lucky, and otherwise worthless. He’s a truck driver. He’s got no connection to the mystic Chinese martial arts underworld: he just wants to help his Chinese buddy Wang out and hopefully get his truck back. Plus, let Wang die? Not when the guy owes him nothing or double.

Jack doesn’t suddenly become better at the Chinese at what they do. Aside from one amazingly lucky moment (it’s all in the reflexes), he’s completely worthless. And yet, he manages to be a hero out of sheer awesomeness and bravery, or stubbornness and being an idiot, if you’d prefer. Like Iron Fist, Big Trouble is a ridiculous tale of Chinese mysticism in the Western World, but instead of the heir of a billion dollar corporation trained since birth to be King of the Chinese Guys, it’s a story that spotlights a typical blue collar American with a mullet that suddenly has to deal with the implications of an ancient Chinese gang war. He is as awed by his good friend Wang Chi’s martial prowess and of Egg Chen’s sorcery as we are, and instead of a sudden mastery of another culture’s skill, only three things get him out alive: luck, crackerjack timing, and a six demon bag. It’s by doing his best to help the martial arts masters, not becoming one, that he and Wang Chi are able to beat the bad guys, and really shake the pillars of heaven.

Geekscape’s Not Quite The Next Big Thing: Drennon Davis & The Imaginary Radio Program

by Joe Starr

Regulars at the monthly Geekscape Presents show in Burbank are no strangers to Drennon Davis and Monique Moreau’s Imaginary Radio Program, one of the most original and unique acts currently in LA. Actually, one of my favorite Geekscape Presents moments was watching Jonathan London’s reactions when Drennon headlined. It was like someone had just told him that someone had Scarlet Witched the prequels out of reality.

Recently, IRP was invited to perform at the famous Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Drennon has launched a Kickstarter to make attending a reality, so we thought it would be a good time to talk to him about the show, the festival, and couch farts.

Drennon: I just ate lunch so I might be a little tired and farty.

Geekscape: We can wait.

Drennon: This new leather couch makes for the best farts in history. I don’t why Lazy-Boy didn’t advertise that feature.

Geekscape: My couch just absorbs them.

Drennon: Probably a better feature in the long run. How many farts can it hold?

Geekscape: We have yet to see its limit.

Drennon: Pushin’ the limits, I like it. Does having a leather couch make me sound rich? ‘Fuck that guy and his leather couch!’

Geekscape: We’ll make sure to mention that the rest of your apartment is empty.

Drennon: And that my cat has FIV. From dirty needles.

Geekscape: Poor Jack. Ok, let’s do this. HEY DRENNON!

Drennon: Hieeeee!

Geekscape: So I have seen your show a million times and been in it once or twice and I still have a hard time describing it.

Drennon:  Ok, so it’s a pretty crazy show and sometimes I have a hard time describing it too but here goes nothing – it’s a fast-paced musical sketch show where I use an imaginary radio dial to scan a huge variety of stations and musical genres, creating characters, songs, impressions and commercials on the spot using a loop pedal, musical instruments and special drop-in guests.  That was the long run-on sentence explanation.  The short version is I make fun of everything on the radio.  Anything from NPR to LMFAO.

Geekscape: You’ve been doing musical based stand up for at least as long as I’ve known you, around when do you think your act started evolving into IR?

Drennon: Well I started doing portions of it in my stand-up sets in SF but it wasn’t until I moved to LA a few years ago that I started doing full sets of it – 15 to 20 minute versions.  About a year ago I decided that I wanted to make it a full 90 min show and get more people involved.  It’s a lot of fun.

Geekscape: Over the last few months it seems like Monique went from ‘featured guest’ at your monthly Nerdist Theatre show to making IR a duo.

Drennon: Yeah, sorta.  I still do it on my own from time to time but Monique is definitely more of a full time cast member and musical accompanist now.  She adds a lot that I’m not able to do on my own musically. She great on a synthesizer and has a wonderful classically trained opera voice.

Geekscape: What does a trip to Edinburgh mean for the show?

Drennon: When I was first invited to Edinburgh, I didn’t really understand how huge it was because I’m a dumb American.  But after doing research, I realized that it’s the biggest festival in the world and unlike most festivals now that are completely meaningless; this one actually opens a lot of doors. I’m already getting offers to play in Scandinavia and from what I understand a few networks are pretty interested in the show just by being accepted. I mean, it could mean nothing but it’s pretty rad that things are already starting to happen from it. Basically it opens up a ton of international and national opportunities. It’s a festival where weird acts and musical groups get the spotlight which I’m really looking forward to since I’ve never experienced anything like that.

Geekscape: Yeah, the scene here isn’t very musical comedian friendly.

Drennon: Never has been.  Hell, I’ve never been very friendly towards it and I do it!  I will say though, that everyone has been getting much friendlier with us now, which I really appreciate.

Geekscape: You’ll be working with the sketch group the Pajama Men, which you seem pretty pumped about. Let’s talk about those guys, since they’re not a household name in the States.

Drennon: The Pajama Men are one of the biggest comedy acts to come out of The Edinburgh Fringe Festival in the last few years.  They are two dudes who wear pajamas and do some of the most amazing sketch comedy I’ve ever seen. Because of their success in Scotland, they are now working on their own show for BBC with the director of the Mighty Boosh. They like my show and are basically taking me under their wing and helping me produce it.

Geekscape: Maybe so people understand the need a little better, why is a Kickstarter necessary to get to Edinburgh?

Drennon: Well the scope of the festival is crazy.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  There are literally thousands of shows competing for audiences and though our show has an amazing venue and fantastic producers, Monique and I are still forced to come up with some unexpected last-minute funds for it.  Unfortunately we’re still broke-ass artists.

Geekscape: So you guys have to raise money to get there and survive for the duration of the festival. Are there actual show costs involved?

Drennon: Basically. The Pajama Men are putting up all the ads and publicity costs but we still have to pay for posters and the things we’ll have to rent there for the show. This thing is way bigger than anything I’ve ever done before. The budget is crazy. It gets stressful because it seems like things keep coming up.

Geekscape: It seems like a big risk vs. reward ‘leap of faith’ kind of thing.

Drennon: Oh absolutely.  There’s no other festival like it.  No other festival offers so many opportunities but on the other hand, there are no other festivals where the performers have to put so much into it. There’s no way we’d be doing this if we didn’t have help. It’s strange because I do have a lot of different people backing the show but even then, it’s incredibly expensive. Everything in Europe is expensive. Except maybe Greece.

You can find the Imaginary Radio Program Kickstarter here. They’re down to the wire and have some great prizes for backers of the project. Invest a few bucks and help get IRP to the next level!

 

Game of Thrones Post Game: Valar Morghulis

by Joe Starr

First off, sorry this is so late. Like, it’s crazy late. First it was two days late and then I had to figure out how to make it worth being two days late. And then I started a new job and had an anniversary. And now it’s a week late. Though, as far as deadlines though, it’s never felt better to have people saying ‘WHERE THE FUCK IS IT’ to me. Glad you guys are enjoying these.

So. The finale.

If last week’s Blackwater was the best sex of your life, then Sunday night’s season finale was being allowed to roll over and fall asleep immediately following that sex. And then waking up and eating a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and having Brandon Cruz from your 8th grade homeroom send you a Facebook message apologizing for all that punching and would you be interesting in a coupon for a free lawn mowing?

He does a good job, by the way.

To the map.

KINGS LANDING!

We actually hung out with the Lannisters longer than I thought we would. Tyrion is basically getting the shit end of the stick from everyone when he should be recognized as a hero. He has a sweet little moment with Shae and we move on to a scene I almost couldn’t handle…

King Joffrey AND Littlefinger? ONE ROOM? It’s like having two Bill Hicks on stage, but less mullets and turtle necks. At least Natalie Dormer isn’t in the room because I’d poop my pants I JUST POOPED MY PANTS.

Margaery is in and Sansa is out. If Joffrey touches my Dormer I will get into that TV like Captain N but with television and not 8-bit games. Littlefinger makes his move to get Sansa out of King’s Landing. For those not paying attention, he’s now the lord of a castle. He just passed go in the Game of Thrones. He’s the man.

Also, Jack Gleeson is so good at his job.

Also also, horse dump.

OH! I knew I was leaving something out of King’s Landing. Varys has a super long scene with the made up for the show hooker who I still don’t see the point in. That was three potential minutes of the Hound pulling people’s guts out that we were completely robbed of.

I’m starting to wonder if George RR Martin got the HBO guys together at the beginning and was like ‘guys. I realize now that I needed this hooker for the story to work. Get her in there. Trust me, it needs to happen. Also, Greedo shot Bronn first.’

THE ROBB ZONE!

 It’s tough to talk season finale and keep it book-spoiler free. But I’ll try:

Robb married the nurse. I kind of expected them to not end their storyline where they did, and I’m wondering if Chaplin’s grand daughter is going to really have anything to do with her counterpart in the book. See, her counterpart in the book has this whole other thing going on that I thought they’d get to in the show until she had the monologue about that one thing and then I was like ‘hrm because that’s pretty different’ because in the book she’s a different person so when they get married everyone is all like ‘you did whaaaaat? nuu uhhh’ but I’m also wondering if the thing in the book and the thing on the show happening differently will even matter in the long run because they both lead to the same result probably.

We also continued the rift between Robb and his mother. They’ve given Robb a nice reason to fly off and marry this girl, aside from the fact of, you know, look at her. He’s also furious at his mother for letting Jaime go, so he’s sort of blaming his arranged marriage on her, too. But does he really need a reason? Show Nurse Chaplin that the extra B in your name stands for Boning Master, King of the North! (note: the extra R in my name stands for ‘Repressed anger and feelings of inadequacy. King of the Therapy!)

Also, Jaime Lannister and Brienne. They run into some Northerners and Brienne just wastes them. I love Brienne. I love that they haven’t made the easy choice of Brienne winking at the camera and shouting I’M A WOMAN before doing something intensely bad ass. It could have easily been the route they went- cheap points for a strong feminist character! But the truth is, Brienne hates being a woman. She’d probably hate being a man. She’s been through hell and she’s been conditioned to hate herself, period.

I love Brienne almost as much as I love Jaime Lannister. I love that anytime someone calls him the Kingslayer, he confronts them with the logic of his choice and all they can do is sputter back ‘yeah, well…Kingslayer!’ and he just has to roll his eyes and say something charming and pretend it doesn’t eat him alive that he’s been cast as the villain.

Is he a villain? I’m mean, he’s not the nicest guy. He pushed Bran out a window and all that. So that was something. But aside from that…tiny bit of attempted child murder, the only thing he’s guilty of is serving his family and being better than everyone. And as Americans know from watching dumb coke addicts like Lindsay Lohan, the only thing we like more than worshipping someone  is eventually dragging them through the mud.

WHAT IS DEAD IS ALWAYS HIGH!

I just realized how much shit I give Theon for the whole sister fingering thing, but I haven’t really said one word about Jaime fathering three kids with Cersei. Maybe because he just does it with so much fucking style.

God damn it. Guys, book 3 is so good. You’re just not ready. It’s the best book in the series by far. It’s going to run through seasons 3 and 4, and I am crazy excited because the whole thing just belongs to Brienne and Jaime. And Jon. And Sam.

DRAGONSTONE!

Stannis is not thrilled about getting jobbed out at King’s Landing. He gets a little joffish with Melisandre and chokes her out. Melisandre shows him a vision in the flames that gets him back on track: He’s not just the rightful king, he’s the Warrior of Light. I sort of want Melisandre to talk less. She’s a scary sorceress that craps shadow assassins. They should use her dialogue sparingly, otherwise she starts to hit Prequel Yoda Syndrome (PYS). See, in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, Yoda is awesome. He drops little backwards speak bombs and they make a huge impression. But in the prequels, they start having him deliver whole conversations and monologues in backwards speak, and it just sounds stupid. So back off the talky, Melisandre. We know the night is dark and full of terrors, and we’re kind of terrified just knowing you’re around.

Seriously, one sentence per episode. You’re terrifying.

Also, why didn’t we get to see the shadow visions? You’d think they were holding out for a lot of visual effects at the end of the show or something.

WINTERFELL

Theon. I think they attempted to make us feel sorry for the guy, and fuck that. Theon is a little bitch, and I laughed my ass off when Chris Finch knocked him out cold in the middle of shouting his ‘this is our Independence Day and they’ll never take our Freedom’ speech. The Iron Islanders pack it up, put a sack on Theon’s head and go home, because fuck a bunch of dealing with Bolton’s Bastard’s 500 Northmen outside the gates.

By the way, I would buy a shirt that says Bolton’s Bastard on it. Just saying, HBO. Just saying.

They also stab Luwin, which is pretty sad. Luwin is a nice guy.

A while later, Osha and Hodor emerge from the catacombs with Bran and Rickon, and Winterfell has been completely razed to the ground. Now, this is the only spot I felt the show truly stumbled. I think they were trying to set up some mystery, but made it confusing instead: Did Finch and the Iron Islanders burn the place after all and run? Did the Northmen burn everything? What’s even happening? That’s the only downfall of having read the books. I know what happened and I felt like they fumbled a bit on the delivery.

Also, why not show us Winterfell being burned to the ground? Why are you guys being so skimpy with the special effects?

Anyway, Luwin says his goodbyes to the boys and suggests Osha take them north to the Wall and Jon Snow. Osha gives Luwin a clean death and they’re on their way. On their way where? According to the character list released by EW, they’re ON THEIR WAY TO MEET JOJEN AND MEERA FUCKING REED!

Change the name of the show. Game of Reeds. Or Reeds on Thrones. Or something. Just…I’m so happy.

QARTH!

Daenerys, Jorah, and Faithful Guy arrive at the House of the Undying. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Dani wants to find her dragons. Inside the temple, she ends up walking through strange visions…The throne room of King’s Landing, charred to rubble, covered in snow. Really haunting, quiet scene. Looked great. And a visit from Drogo and the son she gave up to save him. It’s a touching moment that would have been more effective if she hadn’t annoyed the shit out of me all season.

And then, with two quick scenes, Dani completely redeems herself. She gets a villain monologue from the Warlock, rolls her eyes at him, and has her dragons burn him to death. It’s awesome. And then she locks Ducksauce and her traitor handmaiden inside that vault. Just like that, the Mother of Dragons reclaims her Bosshood.

HARRENHAL…ISH!

Somewhere outside of Harrenhal, Arya encounters Jaqen. She wants to know how to kill dudes like he does, but she wants to find her family first. Jaqen recognizes that her priorities are dumb, but plays along: he gives her a coin. A special coin to show anyone from Braavos along with the words ‘Valor Morghulis,’ and Jaqen will know to find her.

And then he changes his fucking face.

You guys, Arya is the best.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Jon Snow and Qhorin Halfhand are being taken to the camp of Mance Rayder. Qhorin is still dead sest on his plan to get Jon in the ranks of the Wildlings, so he attacks him. Artic Attack Skeletor lets them fight it out, and Qhorin goads Jon into killing him. His last words, quietly to Jon, are a reminder: ‘we are the watchers on the wall.’ It’s like the last scene in Lost In Translation.

Jon is freed, having won some Wildling cred. Ygritte doesn’t remind him that he knows nothing, but she does tell him it’s time to meet the King Beyond the Wall. Boom. He’s in.

And we kind of see the camp, but they didn’t make it look as vast and threatening as they could have. WHERE IS THE VISUAL EFFECTS BUDGET?

Oh right. It’s in the marauding fucking army of White Walkers. Sam, Grenn, and Third Guy hear three blasts from the horn and shit their pants. And rightfully so: Look at this fucking Wight:

You guys, season 3. .

Here’s the deal. Season 1 was about Ned Stark, and how the world related to him and interacted with him. Season 2 was really about a world reeling without a man like Ned Stark in it. Season 3 is going to be about these characters you love growing a pair and realizing they don’t need a world with Ned Stark: It’s got them in it.

You know how excited you are about the season premiere right now?

You know nothing, six people that read this.

 

 

Fall of Cybertron: Ten Transformers That Deserve Some Spotlight

by Joe Starr

With Transformers: Fall of Cybertron coming out on August 28 and releasing more and more amazing footage every week, it’s time to start thinking about the Robots in Disguise. Like, more than I usually do.

Lists of bad ass Transformers are easy to make. Here’s one you’ve probably see before, off the top of my head: Springer Sixshot Cliffjumper Prowl Sunstreaker Blitzwing Cyclonus Grimlock Soundwave Starscream. Yay.

But there were a lot of G1 Transformers. And chances are, there were some bad asses sitting right under your nose you weren’t even aware of. Just blending in perfectly, like a blue cassette player. So this list is for the uncelebrated but awesome: those other mechs that were severely bad ass but probably never even met a Prime in person because a bunch of Dinobots were hogging the line.

SNAPTRAP

Ok sure. The guy is a turtle. But look at him. He’s a giant robot snapping turtle covered in guns. He’s like a tank that can also bite you to death. According to his bio, he really enjoys killing and gutting his victims. So he’s sort of a Decepticon Dexter, except instead of balancing being a father with working for the police and serial killing, he turns into a big robot death turtle. Is he turquoise and purple? Yes. You know what that means? It means he’s a murder boss that can pull of turquoise and purple. Also, at some point, like every Decepticon was turquoise and purple. Including…

SPINISTER

Guys, I have a lot of rotating parts and I’m pretty evil. Pitch me some names. This guy doesn’t just have the best name in Transformerdom, he may have the best name in doms, period. He turns into an attack helicopter like Nick Cage flew in the hit classic Firebirds, and he’s mysterious. Like, super mysterious. And his guns turn into robots, too: Singe, a guy driven to villainy by a woman (aren’t they all, really?), and Hairsplitter, a middle management robot version of Lumburg. So play nice, Hot Rod, or these guys are gonna take your girl, your stapler, and your life.

STREETWISE

He’s part of an emergency vehicles unit. He’s a crime scene specialist. He’s a robotic David Caruso. Looks like the situation with this dead Prime is….optimal.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AFTERBURNER

Most the Autobots are kind of push overs. Grimlock is a tough guy but he’s also got paint chips syndrome. Afterburner, however, is an authority hating dickbar who along with his fellow Technobots forms Computron, the smartest robot, so he’s not dim, either. At some point Optimus Prime was watching the Breakfast club, pointed at Brian and Bender and said ‘merge them and give him a gun. Also, make him turn into a light cycle from Tron.’

SLINGSHOT

Another awesome Autobot: Slingshot is better than everyone. He’s even better than how good he thinks he is. If there had been Twitter on Transformers, Slingshot would have owned it. No one even likes the guy, but he probably has more robot sex with chick robots than anyone else on the Ark. He’s not a robot that turns into a jet. He’s a jet that turns into Kanye West. HANG ON GALVATRON IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT MEGATRON WAS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME! ALL TIME!

BLAST OFF

Are you not sure about getting into Transformers but love Downton Abbey? Look no further then this guy, who is basically like an evil newspaper owner that is going to marry Mary Crawley in every way except that he also turns into a spaceship. “Get these Decepticons out of here! They are downstairs Decepticons and we are upstairs, with the upstairs Decepticons!”

DOUBLECROSS

I mean, look at him. He’s a big two headed dragon. What’s not to like? Also, his toy shot sparks, so goodbye fur on your cat’s tail. He’s like Grimlock if you gave Grimlock a second head and got rid of the learning disability. All around very helpful.

CHROMEDOME

So, this guy was a Headmaster, which meant that his head turned into a robot when he transformed into a car. And yes I know that they weren’t robots- they were Nebulons that went through a binary process to merge with their host robot but eat me. Chromedome is a crazy smart mathematician and his head friend (that sounds awful) is Stylor, a d-bag jock bully. It’s like having a Louis Skolnick and Ogre in the same body! And that’s comedy efficiency!

MOTORMASTER

He’s the Decepticon’s diesel truck with a trailer. The guy was made to be an evil Optimus Prime. Basic rules of cartoon villains should tell you that this is an awesome thing. But Motormaster doesn’t stop there. He also fights dudes with a chain sometimes. And he’s in charge of a team of stunt driving race cars. So he’s basically Vin Diesel with his Fast and the Furious guys backing him up and they merge to form a giant super robot called Come At Me Bro Convoy.

POWERGLIDE

Somewhere between Zoidberg and Zapp Brannigan, there’s Powerglide. He turns into an A-10 Thunderbolt II Warthog, and for the longest time he was the only Autobot that could fly, unless you count Skyfire, And I never count Skyfire. Powerglide seems to have had the best romantic track record, too. I don’t know, there’s just something charming about a guy that refers to himself as the ‘Sultan of the Sky.’ He’s like a pilot from the Pacific that your grandfather always tells stories about, and who is also secretly your real grandfather.

Game of Thrones Post Game: Blackwater

by Joe Starr

This Saturday at the Little Modern Theatre in Hollywood, I’ll be joining comedians Karl Hess, Ron Babcock, Asterios Kokkinos, and more for a PreGame of Thrones show! It’s free, it’s at 10:00, and it’s going to be awesome. Follow me @joestarr187 blah blah blah. 

Let’s get it out of the way: This was one of the best episodes of television I’ve seen in years.

It’s so nice to like something and have it meet your expectations. I love pro wrestling because I’m from Kentucky and drink a lot of Mountain Dew. But it’s almost always terrible. Like, 80% awful. But I still love it. It’s an abusive relationship.

So thank you, Game of Thrones. Thank you for earning my nerd boner. Especially considering that the episode’s director had to drop out, and Neil Marshal (directed Centurion) stepped in with a week’s notice!

Now let’s back up: Game of Thrones has developed a bit of a rep for someone yelling ‘CHARGE!’ at the start of a battle and then cutting to something else and then only showing the aftermath of the fight. To be fair, the book does this too.

So this episode was for every off screen battle, and every voice cracking nerd shriek of ‘why aren’t the wolves in every shot?!’ Ladies and gentlemen, an entire episode dedicated to the brutal Battle of Blackwater, written by the author of A Song of Ice and Fire himself, Old Fat Gandalf (sort of like old fat Elvis, but Gandalf). There was no ‘talking in circles Daenerys’ scene. No Sisterfingers fingering his sister. Just a brutal, high production value all out war that made those elves at Helm’s Deep look like a bunch of elves at Helm’s Deep.

LANCEL WE NEED A GURLZ NIGHT

The episode starts with the reveal of a bad ass fleet and then a guy pukes. In the puke barrel! Now, is he puking because he needs to  puke or is he puking because he’s next to the puke barrel? THE TAO OF GAME OF THRONES.

Davos and his son have a heart to heart. What I’ve loved about GoT so far is that they’re great at making bonding moments not seem like ‘we’re both gonna die in a minute’ chats.

Tyrion and Shae have some pillow talk, and Shae promises to bang him like it’s his last night on earth. And it STILL doesn’t seem like they’re gonna die in a minute. Guys that write Michael Bay movies: please take notes. Also, stop writing movies for Michael Bay.

Is anyone else getting antsy wondering if Daenerys has decided she can trust Jorah Mormont or not? No? K.

Meanwhile, Bronn leads the boys in a few songs and pimps a few hoes… That is, until The Hound shows up. They’re two Alpha Dogs, like Denzel from Training Day and Ethan Hawke from the end of Training Day. Just when the two are about to go at it, Bronn is saved by the bell! Time for the fashion show in Lisa Turtle’s locker!

As Tyrion gears up for battle, Varys seems pretty concerned about Stannis’ red priest. He asks if the Dinklage believes in the old powers, and suggests that his being cut had something to do with the dark arts. Maybe Melisandre crapped a shadow Bobbit? Yeah, that joke just happened.

HEY GUYS THE 90’S

By the way, let’s pause for a moment because Podrick is awesome.

The bells of King’s Landing are sounding to warn the city of Stannis’ fleet. Davos hears the bells and gives the order to respond with dubstep. Davos must have been fun at his son’s career day. “Ah’m a crabba. Mah fatha wos a crabba. This is a bag with mah finger bones in it.”

Bronn and Tyrion get some banter in. Damn it, Old Fat Gandalf wrote the shit out of this episode. CHARACTER ENHANCING BANTER. RARE. Send Brian Michael Bendis a raven!

Sansa swings in with one of my favorite scenes- praying for Tyrion’s safe return…just as she prays for the king’s. And then she shuts down the king’s swagger with a few questions about where he’ll be when the fighting starts…I like tv show Sansa! Maybe book Sansa will end up like her at some point? Please?

I know Peter Dinklage is getting a lot of love, but Jack Gleeson deserves an Emmy. This kid is killing it as Joffrey. And by ‘kid’ I mean ’20 year old.’ Remember when Superbad was so much funnier because you though Jonah Hill was some teenage prodigy someone discovered? That’s kind of an unrelated thought, but… remember?

Ain’t It Cool News biopic=cast

King Joffrey joins Tyrion on the wall with the Hound and Lancel (so you know shit’s gonna get Lancelarious). Joffrey isn’t thrilled about the lack of fleet in the bay, and gets pretty frustrated that Tyrion isn’t respecting the fact that he’s the guy wearing the Ed Hardy shirt from Ross.

Cersei gathers the ladies in her clubhouse and has some wine with Sansa… I’m gonna skip most of this in the recap. This stuff could have been trimmed, but it’s a minor complaint when you realize how much of this episode ISN’T spent wondering WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

Cersei gets one of the lines of the night, though: ‘most of these women are in for a rape!’ It almost sounds like a David Brent line but Lena Headey just crushes the delivery.

Tyrion floats a ship into the midst of Stannis’ fleet leaking wildfire, and in one of the coolest shots ever captured on camera, Bronn fires off the arrow that obliterates the Baratheon fleet in wash of green flame. Green flame hasn’t looked this perfect since Big Trouble in Little China. This recap is usually super jokey and has a lot if stupid references in it, but lets put that on hold for a moment: this sequence was beautiful. It was brutal and horrible and beautiful and perfect. It was visceral in the way that most filmmakers think that throwing millions into CG can be but never is. Episode 9 of season 1 gave us the jaw dropping, quietly gut wrenching sequence of Ned Stark’s execution. Episode 9 of season 2 delivers a similar awe inspiring moment with wildfire.

Weiners.

Despite losing his fleet, Stannis gives the order to storm the shores with the third best inspirational battle speech of the night:

Some guy: Hundreds will die!

Stannis: Thousands. COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY.

Suck it, Braveheart.

The Hound leads the defense outside the walls and starts cutting people in half like the throat ripping sequence in MacGruber. But he’s got that thing with fire and the whole bay is on fire and so he bails, giving us the second best inspirational battle speech of the night: “Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck this city. Fuck the king.”

Well said.

And Lancel got shot with an arrow! “Lancel doesn’t get shot in the books,” whines a guy who’s an idiot who doesn’t understand how lucky we are that this adaptation isn’t The Golden Compass or The Dark is Rising. We even got a LancelLOL when Cersei theons his arrow hole! COME ON!

Joffrey bails. Of course. So we get a speech that is not only the best of the episode or the series, but a battle speech that makes ‘THIS IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!’ look like an intercom announcement about Werthers Originals at a CVS in Van Nuys.

Peter Dinklage, man. Tyrion rallies the troops and defeats the wave of invaders at the gates, only to see a much larger wave charging in. “Oh fuck me.” Again, well said.

Cersei sits on the Iron Throne with Tommen, telling him a story while she waits for death to rush into the throne room. Sansa locks herself in her room and has a great scene with the deserting Hound, who offers to take her home to Winterfell.

Tyrion gets his face more or less sliced off, but gets rescued by Podrick (remember? awesome.) and as he falls he sees a calvary charge of rescuers! Is that…RENLY?

Stannis being dragged away by his men screaming at them for being pussies was awesome. Stannis would have the best Tigerbeat cover ever. “My 16 favorite laws and some people that broke them that now hang!” 

Of course, it’s not really Renly: It’s Loras, wearing Renly’s hat.

It seems Highgarden has saved King’s Landing.

The Lannisters have a powerful new ally.

That means more Natalie Dormer.

This is the best episode ever.

Game of Thrones Post Game of Thrones: The Prince of Winterfell

by Joe Starr

Before we get to business, know this! I’ll be in a big Game of Thrones themed comedy show on June 2nd in Hollywood at 10:00! Jokes about winter coming are coming! Here’s the Facebook invite! You should come!

TO THE MAP!

WINTERFELL!

This whole episode could have been Yara calling Theon a dumb cunt for an hour and I would have deemed it the best episode of Game of Thrones to date.

Despite Theon being a total fuck up that deserves a noose, Yara begs him to return home so that he won’t get slaughtered by Northerners. She tells him a story of how once, as an obnoxious constantly screaming baby, he looked up at her, stopped crying, and smiled. And then about 16 years later he fingered her.

Hey, look who’s hiding in the crypts! The Reeds had better be down there, too. I still haven’t forgiven this.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Meanwhile, on Hoth…

OH SHIT ITS RATTLESHIRT THE LORD OF BONES! I love this dude. He looks like a Masters of the Universe toy once they started running out of ideas and started putting out Artic Attack Skeletors. I think that it’s important people understand everything they need to know about a character within twenty seconds of meeting them. L.O.B. said ‘gut him’ 16 times in 12 seconds. I think we’re all on the same page.

It seems that the Halfhand was captured looking for Jon, the redshirts (blackshirts?) having been killed offscreen. Ygritte evens her score with Jon by talking the Lord of Bones out of gutting him. You guys think that’s the end of Ygritte and Jon Snow? Cut to footage: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Alright guys, have a great night. See you next time right here on this bland smiley network recap show!” CREDITS.

Halfhand starts his plot to get the Wildlings to think that Jon Snow has betrayed the Night’s Watch and pushes the bastard down a hill. Jon stands and gets a serious case of ‘eff me eyes’ from Ygritte. They might just be suspicious eyes. It’s tough to tell with her.

THE ROBB ZONE!

Robb and Lady Nurse walk in the woods together, laughing and sighing. WHERE IS BRYAN ADAMS WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Ned Stark’s shadow continues to hang over the events of Westeros, long after his death. Spoiler alert, in case you randomly missed episodes of season 1 and have been wondering where Sean Bean is. We get some nice insight into Robb via lessons he learned from his father.

And then some bad news…JAIME LANNISTER ESCAPED! Wasn’t it refreshing to not have a guy saunter up to Robb and grimly tell him they’ve had a raven?

Catelyn Stark freed the Kingslayer? This shit isn’t going to play out well. And now she’s on house arrest, like Charle Sheen. Brienne sort of sounds like ‘Bree Olson,’ right?

But she doesn’t even have Brienne, because the Maiden of Tarth is escorting Jaime Lannister back to King’s Landing? Tyrion and Bronn are going to have to move over, because this is my favorite two man show on Game of Thrones.

I love the Kingslayer. I love that killing the Mad King was the right thing to do, and that if a noble man like Ned Stark had been in his position, the Mad King would have slaughtered thousands, but everyone still vilifies Jaime for doing what had to be done. No joke to add there. He’s just neck and neck with Tyrion as my favorite Lannister.

Robb wraps up with bonding with Lady Nurse, who is clearly of no relation to anyone in the Crag.

I really want the Crag to be the Agrocrag from GUTS, and for Lady Nurse’s mother to be Mo.

Also, they bang. Those tunics seem hard to take off.

TEAM STANNIS!

Stannis has some serious brother issues. We finally get a full, clear back story about Davos.

KING’S LANDING!

“We don’t have that many books.” Line of the night. This show does so well with giving folks you haven’t seen in a few episodes a strong return.

Tyrion is really annoyed with Bronn’s fingernail clipping. I’m thinking that a certain duo is worried about being overshadowed by a certain Jaime and Brienne? Anyway, the gang is trying to figure how Stannis will attack, given how well he knows King’s Landing. What this scene presupposes is, maybe it’s Mud Gate?

Cersei tries to tie Tyrion up by the whore, and Tyrion gives a lesson in intense speeches that the Mother of Dragons really needs to take notes on.

I have a bad feeling that Tyrion is going to learn a sharp lesson about bitches, and how they ain’t shit but hoes or tricks. At least it looks like Ros is going to eat it.

Joffrey hangs out with Varys and Tyrion and says a string of douche bag things. I’m really hoping he rides out to fight Stannis wearing a TAPOUT shirt.

And where are the gods of tits and wine?

FIST OF THE FIRST MEN!

If it was the first of the Fist Men, it would be a much different scene. Sam, Grenn, and that other guy find a cache of magical weapons. Finally, something Dungeons and Dragonsy happens in our fantasy series! Link found A JAR! You can put fairies in it! Or bees!

QARTH!

Damn it. I almost got a whole episode without Dani. She strokes Jorah’s cheek until he agrees to go to the House of the Undying with her. Poor Mormont. He’s got 99 problems. Guess who’s one?

HARRENHAL!

Tywin is about to hit Robb with a major sneak attack! Hey you guys remember Hot Pie? Here he is, talking about homemade pop tarts. That one’s for regular reader Brittany Canasi, who made me home made pop tarts one time.  Her blog is full of desert.

Also?

“A girl lacks honor.”

Shrug.

Arya is a fucking boss.

With Jaqen’s help, Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie escape. Why are we taking Hot Pie? Arya can’t really be blamed. Worthless fat dudes have a tendency to turn out to be really useful heroes in fantasy books. She’s just playing the odds.

Game of Thrones Post Game: A Man Without Honor

by Joe Starr

We’ve come to it: The first episode of Game of Thrones that I didn’t really enjoy. About half of it ran like a collection of deleted scenes that would have been cut for running time. But still I carry on- for I, who can be followed @joestarr187, am the man that must write the jokes! TO THE MAP!

BEYOND THE WALL!

I’ll say this: ‘A Man Without Honor’ was boring as hell until Ygritte finally said her catch phrase, and then the episode literally took off running. I’m not even sure where to start. Jon and Ygritte woke up. She made a boner joke. Then they walked around for a while. Then we watched scenes with other characters that accomplished nothing. Then Jon and Ygritte walked around some more. Ygritte said ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow,’ and the heavens opened up, and light cascaded down onto the nerdy indoor kids that devour these books. Meaning me. Then we watched scenes with other characters that were much better than pre ‘know nothing Jon Snow’ scenes. And then Ygritte got away and led Jon right into a rebel encampment. Those uniforms look familiar… Are they on Hoth? If they’re on Hoth, then if Jon finally bangs Ygritte he had better say ‘and I thought they smelled bad…on the outside!’ At least we’ll know that he’ll shoot first.

Burn.

WINTERFELL!

Really? You’re going to open the show with Theon and his gross rape whistle nipples? Fun fact: Girls that think Theon is hot are to dorkdom what girls that were like ‘grrl don’t u judge Chris Brown u don’t know him’ are to hip hop.

Anyway, Theon isn’t happy about the Stark kids escaping. I’ll give him this: the reaction on his face when one of his guys laments that ‘the giant must have taken them’ was pretty priceless. But seriously, fuck this guy for terrorizing Winterfell and its twelve residents.

Meanwhile, Bran and Rickon are making their escape with Hodor and Tonks from Harry Potter. Honestly, I can’t remember her name right now and I’m too mad at her to look her up.

Why U a hater Joe Starr?

I’m a hater because there are supposed to be two awesome kids named Jojen and Meera Reed helping the gang escape and teaching Bran about his weird dreams, but it looks like they’re rolling the characters into Osha. I totally get that there are already too many characters and sometimes for an adaptation, people have to go and that Game has done a remarkable job juggling its massive supporting cast but, well, this one got me a little butt hurt, ok?

Just a little butt hurt.

Oh and Theon comes back to Winterfell with two burned up little boys. Are they Bran and Rickon? Would HBO have really passed up the opportunity to burn two young main characters alive on screen?

THE ROBB ZONE

Robb meets with Redshirt Lannister, who informs him that Cersai isn’t all that impressed by his being the King of the North. Robb rewards him by putting him in a cell with Jaime Lannister. AND WHAT A REWARD IT IS. Wait for it.

Lady Nurse drops in and lets Robb know she needs supplies to treat the wounded and suggests that the Westerlings of the Crag, whose surrender Robb is leaving to oversee will have them. Robb suggests she just come with him and get the supplies herself, which she doesn’t seem crazy thrilled about. Or does she? Is she someone important? SPOILER ALERT: She stole the dragons!

Redshirt Lannister might as well be a 14 year old girl/46 year old creepy dude in a cell with Justin Beiber. He is gushing to be in a cell with Jaime Lannister. We haven’t seen much of Jaime, so he’s back with a vengeance: The two have an awesome scene about how Redshirt once squired for Jaime and Jaime squired for Barristan Selmy and how amazing it was. And then Jaime beats him to death so that a guard opens the cell. And then Jaime chokes out the guard and bails. This is why I’m assuming there are more than 20 variations of a ‘Fuck Yeah Jaime Lannister’ tumblr. The Kingslayer deserves every animated gif the world makes him.

He’s not out for long, however. He gets dragged back and the camp is pissed. And Catelyn Stark needs him alive to trade him out for her daughters. So her and Brienne are gonna do something real dumb. Like, really dumb.

That scene with Jaime and Redshirt was so good though. Thank god Ygritte said her catchphrase or the whole episode could have been Daenerys making frumpy faces. And speaking of frumpy faces…

QARTH

Dragons are still gone. Daenerys yells at some people. She has a repeat of last week’s chat with Jorah Mormont. That weird blanket face lady is back and she’s sort of stupid. The Warlocks have the dragons and kill the Thirteen. Xaro Ducksauce reveals himself to be The Outsiders’ third man and crowns himself the King of Qarth, brother.

“You know something, Mean Gene…these dragons can stick it, dude”

Qarth is stupid in the books, too. We can’t get out of here fast enough.

KING LANDING

Oh shit, Sansa is bleeding out her vag! Now Joffrey gets to hit her with props have kids with her! Shae tries to help her hide it but then The Hound finds all that blood on the sheets! It’s like a Judy Bloom novel: ‘Are you there God? It’s Me Sansa and This Guy With a Burned Face Knows I Had My First Period.’

But don’t worry! It’s…Cersei to the rescue? Cersei was weirdly nice to everyone in this episode. I’m getting scared that the next one is just going to with a ‘Cersei slits all the throats’ montage. She has a quiet scene with Sansa where she tells her that love is a weakness she should only give to her children, and then an even touchinger scene with Tyrion of all people. But would it have killed them to give us a hard cut to of Bronn making a funny reaction face at the end?

HARRENHAL

I can’t say enough good things about Tywin and Arya. The whole show could be about them with ravens flying in every now and then to give updates on the other 106 characters and I’d be ok with it. Every now and then Tyrion and Bronn could stop in because they’re staying in the guest house. It’ll be like a Neil Simon play. Except good.

Overall, this was a rough episode. It meandered and dragged and a few killer scenes and performances carried it across the finish line. You know, like the Dark Knight. Oh really? It’s a perfect movie? What was your favorite scene that didn’t have a Heath in it?

The boatz wuz so dramatic!

Man. I’m really negative today. See what happens when you take away my Reeds? I turn into a little bitch. A little Reedless bitch.

 

Geekscape’s Before First Class: What if a Thunderbolts Movie Had Been Made in the 70’s?!

by Joe Starr

With an announced sequel to X Men: First Class, and the rumors of a rebooted 1960’s Fantastic Four, retro Marvel is officially IN. This has led Geekscape to wonder: what if different Marvel franchises had actually been released in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s?

Or, maybe you think it’s stupid to cast a Marvel movie in a different decade, justify the lineup, and pitch a plot. Well, that’s why we at Geekscape consider ourselves to be heroes, in a way. We waste our time doing the stupid things the world is afraid to do. Last time, we shook the 90’s to their very core with a 1994 X Men film. And then people dared to believe that John Ritter had no place in an 80’s Avengers movie! Now it’s time to annoy the internet with the power of the 70’s!

The Pitch: The superheroes are all dead. In the distant future of 2009, masked vigilantes have been outlawed, and the government has tasked Norman Osborn, formerly the psychotic criminal Green Goblin, to lead a wetworks team of villains to track them down in exchange for full pardons. Only a few remain…Will the Thunderbolts silence these heroic outlaws, or can Power Man, Iron Fist, and Misty Knight make the nation believe in heroes once more?!

Justice…like 70’s grindhouse lightning!

I’ve got some NSFW video evidence for you.

I can’t even think of any jokes, really. Charles Napier is the god damn Goblin. Next.

Screw Fun With Dick and Jane and screw it’s eventual remake. Thunderbolts is Jane Fonda’s comeback film. Plus, the Moonstone Workout is going to sell like crazy. Since a lot of the feedback on these articles has been “special effects weren’t up to par to do these movies,” we’re going to adapt the characters for the grindhouse cult classic that we’re making. Even though that opinion is dumb and misses the point of the articles, which is to have fun and talk about John Ritter and watch Charles Napier murder someone. Anyway, 70’s Grindhouse Moonstone has the power of making herself intangible and being a manipulative bitch. And showing her boobs, probably.

If the 70’s taught us anything, it’s that David Carradine is the best Asian actor in the world. I can’t think of a better actor to represent China. 70’s Grindhouse Radioactive Man is radioactive. He probably melts people’s faces off. And since David Carradine is the greatest martial artist of the 70’s, he probably knows Kung Fu AND Kung Fu: The Legend Continues.

A movie like this is all about getting credibility with the fans. We’ve got David Carradine on board, and he is the greatest martial arts star to grace the small and big screens. Some other folks are bringing the Hollywood cred, so now we need to play to the nerds with Songbird being played by Mara Jensen, AKA Athena on Battlestar Galactica! BONUS: She’s dating Don Henley, so keep your fingers crossed and we can get ‘Thunderbolts of Summer’ on the soundtrack. 70’s Grindhouse Songbird uses her sonic scream to reluctantly fight for the man.

In my yearbook, I got the senior superlative of ‘most likely to be an actor.’ Lame and way off the mark. Malcolm McDowell’s was ‘most likely to bind the skin of a dead loved one into the handle of a sword to retain her power’ so I feel like Andreas von Strucker is a good fit for him. Plus he may not have gotten the message across in Clockwork Orange. 70’s Grindhouse Swordsman bound the skin of his dead sister onto the handle of a sword and he’s a bad ass crazy swordsman. What’s the point of that? Would you want to mess with a guy that probably turned his parents into lamps? Hell, give me Superman’s powers. I’m still not going near this guy.

Sweet Christmas, its Black Caesar! Shaft may have been a bad mother, but he didn’t have the build for Power Man. There’s only one hero of blaxploitation that can wear the tiara: Fred ‘The Hammer’ Williamson! 70’s Grindhouse Luke Cage has bulletproof skin, dreamy eyes, and the ability to be the subject of fierce debate about movie racism in some film history class someday.

His grand return as a martial arts hero! The lead character and star of Enter of the Dragon, JOHN SAXON! He’s already got the kung fu credibility, AND Saxon can pull off the billionaire playboy side of Bruce Wayne Tony Stark Lamont Cranston Danny Rand. I wanted to put Shang Chi: Master of Kung Fu in this movie too, but there weren’t any big Asian action stars at the time and David Carradine is already playing Radioactive Man. Is this joke old yet?

There’s no one else to play Misty Knight except for Pam Grier. Misty IS Pam. If Greg Land was drawing a Misty Knight book, he’d be tracing Pam Grier. And porn. Greg Land traces porn.

The man that can’t miss should also be the man with no punctuation: Christopher Walken. If Bullseye wasted time worrying about having a normal human sounding flow to his voice, he might start not hitting people with sharp things. Honestly, Walken already has a lot in common with Bullseye. He’s done the Russian roulette thing in Deer Hunter, he’s got crazy eyes and he’s killed a Greek woman.

The Director

It’s got to be Paul Bartel, the director of the most important landmark movie in the 70’s: DEATH RACE 2000! And some episodes of Clueless: The TV Series.

Watch the credits bump scene for a special appearance by THE DOBERMAN GANG!

Print Isn’t Dead, It’s Quarterly! Geekscape Interviews THE DEVASTATOR!

by Joe Starr

The Devastator is a humor book harkening back to the days of National Lampoon and MAD Magazine. Founded in 2009 by Geoffrey Golden and Amanda Meadows, two comedy writer-editors from Los Angeles the quarterly published indie book features a mix of upcoming and renowned writers and artists from The Daily Show, Marvel and DC, and Adult Swim, as well as cartoons, essays, and cock blocking wizards!

Geekscape sat down with Amanda and Geoffrey Matrix style (inside a group g-chat window) to talk about the origins of the book, their current Fantasy issue, and the long standing war between print and internet comedy that we made up for the purposes of this interview.

Amanda: I was obsessed with print books and magazines and a kid. I was the kid who everyone took their essays to edit before turning them into the mean teacher. As I got older I got more and more into comedy nerdom, and knew I wanted to write my goal was to travel a lot and work for a magazine or publisher. I studied English Lit in college and moved to LA to work for a publisher, Phoenix Books (now defunct, but at the time they were the #1 fastest growing indie publisher). I had written for College Humor and McSweeney’s here and there, and comedy.com for a bit. Then Geoff and I, in December ’09, burned out on the internet comedy cycle, thought about bringing back humor in print!

Geoffrey: I’ve been writing comedy from a very early age, sometimes to the detriment of my grade point average. I wrote a humor column for the school newspaper, which I’m sure is very embarrassing.

Geekscape: We’re high school newspaper column brothers!

Amanda: Oh yeah! I did some newspaper shiz too. Nerd club 4 lyfe

Geekscape: Loser High School Newspaper Trio engage!

Geoffrey: ACTIVATE FORCE SHIELDS!

Amanda: I am picturing this as a very shitty anime.

Geoffrey: My influences were pretty much the same as Amanda’s – I read a lot of X-Men, National Lampoon, The Onion – we both love classic Simpsons. I was also into old radio guys like Bob & Ray, Stan Freberg and stand-ups like Bob Newhart, along with The Muppets, which puts me into a very weird category of geekdom even within “Comedy Nerd” After graduating from Emerson College, I got my first job as an Associate Editor for National Lampoon’s website. I’ve been writing and producing internet humor professionally for 10 years now, writing comics, articles, web series and more for Fox, Warner Bros, Cracked and currently I’m a freelance comedy writer for CraveOnline.

The cover of Devastator #5: The Fantasy Issue

Geekscape: Amanda mentioned the ‘internet comedy cycle,’ was there a driving force that made you guys want to put together a physical product as opposed to ‘it’s a blog and sometimes it’s videos!’

Geoffrey: We love print! We think there’s a certain type of humor, this mix of satirical prose and comics that works really well in print. Plus it’s rewarding having a bookshelf full of your work, as opposed to a folder in a hard drive

Amanda: Exactly.  The tangible experience of reading can’t really be replaced. Also, I think the immediacy of internet humor is really fun but it sort of lacks perspective. The fact that we have to really take our time to craft our work focuses us.

Geekscape: Internet humor seems to have a limited shelf life, too.

Geoffrey: That’s because the most clear-cut path to getting attention is to make videos based on things users will be searching for.

Amanda: It’s great to know that once something crazy happens, a million people are going to make fun of it, but yes, stories get old fast. There can be an ambulance chaser quality to some of the broadest internet humor.

Geoffrey: Who’s gonna be the first to make fun of that thing kim kardashian said?! Will it be YOU, Geekscape?

Geekscape: Glendale! Mayor! Something something large ass!

Geoffrey: One million views!

Geekscape: I would definitely place Devastator in the DIY ‘comedy nerd’ movement that’s happening now, but I think it’s cool that you guys have gone old school with print instead of, say, a podcast. Has there been a good response to the book or are a lot of people irritated that the magazine isn’t on their Kindle?

Geoffrey: Everyone is really happy this is a print book. We have a very small group of people who digitally subscribed and we mail those people PDFs. The vast majority are like us, who love comedy in print and want to support that but we offer the option, because… y’know, the future?

Geekscape: I didn’t realize you offered both options. That’s interesting that the print is favored, especially in an age where even most comic publishers are starting to focus on digital subscriptions.

Geoffrey: I think it’s because a lot of our subscribers meet us at comic book shows. When they see the print book, that’s what they really want and connect with. they hold it and want to snuggle with it at night. The covers are surprisingly soft!

Geekscape: Devastator: the anime body pillow of comedy.

Amanda: That is the most perfect slogan ever.

Geekscape: This interview has not been a waste! What’s the format of the book like?

Amanda: Well, it’s a mixed format book – a blend of short comics, and written pieces with artwork. You can jump from a comic to a prose novel parody to an infographic.

Geoffrey: A reviewer once described our content as the onion meets a vintage t-shirt shop. You’ll see a lot of retro pop culture parodies.

Geekscape: And you guys have a pretty awesome lineup of writers writing those parodies.

Amanda: Thank you! We mix together all kinds of up-and-coming talented writers with artists, and some brilliant cartoonists.

Geoffrey: Writers and artists from The Daily Show, The Onion, Adult Swim, Marvel, DC Comics and more!

Geekscape: Any personal favorite material so far?

Geoffrey: From the fantasy issue, I love ‘Rat Knights of Rat’s Hollow’, a Mouseguard parody written by contributing editor John Ford and illustrated by Mouseguard artist Nate Pride.

Geekscape: Holy shit that sounds amazing.

Amanda: It LOOKS amazing too!

Geoffrey: Marvel Brand Management vs. Capcom Legal Affairs in D#4…

Amanda: I really love Ryan Sandoval and Lili Sparks’ The Arcade Hire in D#4, an employee handbook for possibly the world’s sketchiest arcade.

Geoffrey: Cathair Apocalypse, Hold Me Closer Charming Cat-Man, and Cat on a Hot Tin Plate in D#3.

Amanda: And everything R. Sikoryak has done for us, in issues 1, 2, and 3.

Geekscape: The new issue is FANTASY. Sell it!

Amanda: So you’ve got the best of the best in this one. It’s our most ambitious issue yet!

Geoffrey: This issue is the stuff of legends.

Amanda: Our cover: drawn by the illustrator laureate of the interwebs, Dan Hipp (MISTERHIPP).We have an original comic from Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal’s Zach Weiner and Tony Millionaire exclusive artwork! One of Funny or Die’s best, Scott Gairdner, does a piece that will explode your face with hilarity.

Geoffrey: We riff on Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Final Fantasy…

Amanda: And Geoff, tell ’em about the reverse book!

Geoffrey: And the reverse book is a playable Dungeons and Dragons parody called “Wizards of Cockblock Forest” In order to become the most powerful wizard in Cockblock Forest – which is a lot like Brooklyn or Echo Park, only magical, so it’s not that bad – you have to have sex with faeries.

Geekscape: Of course you do.

Geoffrey: But every other wizard wants to have sex with faeries too, so the competition is fierce! Can you cockblock your rivals and bed the most faeries?

Geekscape: You’ve had a really strong convention presence lately. Where will you be next?

Amanda: Well, funny you ask because we’re in a con storm right now! We just returned from Stumptown Comics Fest which was amazing! This weekend, May 5-6 we’re doing Toronto Comic Arts Fest in CANADA Exotic Canada! Then on Memorial Day Weekend its Phoenix Comic Con, which has become a huge show. We get a month off of shows in June, during which we will be doing a series of Game Night events across the LA area to play Wizards of Cockblock Forest. Then it’s San Diego Comic Con!

Devastator’s Fantasy issue is out now and you can order it HERE. Check them out online and be cool like us by making Devastator subscriptions a new all occasions gift for everyone that you know. Also, if you’re going to be at any conventions stop by and visit Geoffrey and Amanda. They’re crazy nice, have an animation cell from Samurai Pizza Cats framed on their wall, and they were in newspaper in high school, so they’re not intimidating at all.

Thrones Post Game: The Old Gods and the New

by Joe Starr

True story: I had a lot of margarita in me during last night’s Game of Thrones. Have you followed me on Twitter yet @joestarr187? Would you like to jump to the map?

WINTERFELL!

 Ugh. Theon.

The drug dealer from your high school that banged all of the girls you had a thing for has conquered Winterfell in the lamest way possible: with TRICKERY AND SKULLDUGGERY. He made a feint in a nearby town, and Winterfell sent the best of what was left to meet the threat. Theon’s crew snuck in and planted a flag. It’s honestly a pretty brilliant storytelling move. Theon is the lamest and worst, and Winterfell is the coolest and best. From the beginning of the series, Winterfell has been a completely safe, powerful beacon of hope in the North. It’s the home of the Starks, and if you aren’t a Stark in this show you’ve probably killed a baby or punched a whore to death. So it’s infuriating that Winterfell is conquered in the lamest way possible by the lamest guy on the show: Theon Sisterfingers, First of His Name. In just one scene, Theon goes from a bathroom break character to a guy that I would pay extra to see stabbed to death.

“WHATCHA GONNA DO, GREYJOY… WHEN WINTER RUNS WILD ON YOU?!”

Despite his promises to Bran that no one will be hurt, Ser Rodrik is captured by the Iron Islanders and spits on Theon. And then he gets beheaded. Actually, beheaded is too nice of a word for it. If it takes more than 8 strokes, it’s more of a cranial mangling.

Osha the Wildling hits Theon’s weakness: doing it with chicks. Later, after he’s passed out dreaming of selling bad ecstasy to middle school ravers, she sneaks Bran, Rickon, Hodor, and their wolves out of the castle.

They paid the iron price for those pacifiers.

Time for Osha and the Little Starks Adventure Time! It’s the best Fellowship ever! “You’ll have my crazy eyes.” “And my wolf!” “Also my crazy wolf!” “HODOR.”

ROBB ZONE!

Somewhere in between Walder Frey’s castle and King’s Landing…IT’S THE ROBB ZONE!

The King of the North spots Talisa the Nurse taking her 15 minute break. And now we know she’s not a real nurse because she’s be smoking and drinking coffee out of a paper cup. Robb calls her out on being Of Noble Birth (new band name) and she doesn’t deny it, but she doesn’t tell him who she really is, either. I feel better about her now, because I’m pretty sure she’s a character from the book being introduced in a fun different way. There’s actually A LOT of stuff in this episode that isn’t in the book, and I’ve really loved all of it. Anyway, Catelyn Stark shows up and Robb’s like ‘hey mom, this is Talisa’ and Catelyn’s like ‘mind your breeches tent, you’re engaged already.’ Not mentioned: The giant woman in armor Catelyn has brought back with her.

“Damn! Who is THAT bitch?”

And then they get a raven from Winterfell. So that sucks. Has a raven delivered good news yet? Upon learning that Winterfell has been conquered by his former friend and former extra from the movie Go, Robb is ready to march back North. However, Roose Bolton convinces him to stay in the field and let his son handle retaking the castle. Robb agrees, but wants Theon alive. Because he’s out of weed.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Qhorin Halfhand, Jon Snow, and a few redshirts take out a wildling watchpost. Jon takes a wildling named Ygritte prisoner because ‘they can interrogate her.’ But we all know what’s really going on here: Jon has fan questions about what it was like on the set of Downton Abbey. She escapes and Jon pursues, getting separated from the group. He recaptures Ygritte as night falls, and they’re forced to sleep together for warmth. Ygritte doesn’t see anything wrong with a little bit of bump and grind. Jon Snow is an abstinent virgin. This is going to get wacky.

KING’S LANDING!

Myrcella is sent off to Dorne, and the King’s escort is caught in an unruly and angry crowd. Someone throws a poop at King Joffrey and he demands that the crowd be executed. This is not a good decision. The crowd riots and the High Septon gets ripped apart. Literally. Everyone goes Romero and his arms get pulled off. Tyrion does his best to handle the situation and get everyone out safely. He also smacks the hell out of Joffrey. Very satisfying. Sansa Stark is rescued from a group of would be rapers by THE HOUND, who totally has his ‘t-rex shows up just in time to eat these raptors’ moment. He roars and a ‘Game of Thrones’ banner flutters down in front of him. Have you ever seen Star Kid, that super hero movie that Tim from Jurassic Park did? You should see it.

What if Bran got this suit? OMG FANFIC

HARRENHALL!

So, this Tywin/Arya stuff isn’t in the book. Arya serves as the cupbearer to some random dude and Tywin never even shows up at Harrenhall. And who cares? Not me- the Tywin/Arya angle is my favorite part of the show. “What got your father killed, girl?” “Loyalty.” GOLD.

Littlefinger shows up and you just know that he recognized Arya but didn’t play his cards cuz that’s not how a True Boss does. However, Arya is caught stealing information about troop movements by a member of Tywin’s war council and has to play her second Jaqen card. Arya insists that the deed has to be done NOW. The knight knocks at Tywin’s door and falls forward dead with a dart in his neck. I wish Arya had saved 86 people because I could watch a ‘Arya tells Jaqen to kill someone and he is charming in that weird way he talks and then kills them’ scene every week for the rest of the series.

QARTH!

Ok, I’m starting to think that Dani is going to make a bad queen. So far her strategy is to demand things from people and then make a shaky passionate speech at them when they turn her down. And the speech always just makes them turn her down more. You’re the Daughter of Dragons. We’ve got it. You’re also getting sort of annoying. Oots, someone stole your dragons. Oh, are you going to do a speech? Is it going to sound like this?

“By the Blood of my Blood I will have my children returned. Into the fire I walked and returned as the Unburnt: The Mother of Dragons. Whoever has taken my children has taken the blind fury of the last Targaryen’s rage and it will drown them. I will retake my children in fire and blood and burn those who would deny me what’s mine. Also Khal Drogo.”

It’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?

MIC DROP

Geekscape Roundtable: Cinematic Uppers for the Nerdy and Depressed!

by Joe Starr

Sometimes, the world kicks you in the ass and you can’t deal with putting on real clothes or moving from your couch for a few days.

Depression hits everyone sooner or later, and most geeks have a movie or three that substitute for medication. And until we all plug into an Avengers IV at the end of this week, here are Geekscape’s 24 FPS surefire depression treatments!

Jae Renfrow: Pristiq River

When I get depressed I usually don’t want to feel better, so I watch movies that’ll wallow with me. Like Million Dollar Baby. Oh, it’s all well and good early on. You’re sitting pretty learning gaelic and reveling in the witty banter between Morgan Freeman and grump Clint Eastwood. You get to see a trailer trash girl kick some butt and rise above her fried twinkie family. Next thing you know you’re biting your own tongue off hoping you drown in the blood. That’s life folks.

And Clint Eastwood has another sad bastard movie sitting on my shelf for those moody Mondays: Mystic River. You ever wonder what happened to all your friends? I do. And when it starts getting me down, I just pop in Mystic River so I can watch one child hood friend make another confess to the murder of his daughter so he can sleep at night. I remember doing this to my brother two years ago when I visited him in Kentucky. I kept saying. “Did you kill her? Just tell me you killed her. C’mon, you killed her didn’t you? Just tell me, it’s cool. You killed her. Say it.” And you know what? It works. He was a blubbering mess after five hours of it and I disposed of him in the woods out behind our house. Rest in peace, bro.

But on the rare occasion that I do want to feel better I just curl up with plate of brownies and watch Bring It On. Hot chicks having PG-13 fun, while trying to protect their cheerocracy from cheererrorism. I’m smiling just writing about it.

Time to get the sad spirit fingered right out of you!

Joe Starr: The Last Adapinbender

My primary depression movie is Transformers: The Movie, but sometimes I’ve got more sadness than Hot Rod’s got photon charges.

When that’s the case, I let Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai ease the pain. Cruise’s character Nathan Algren and I have a lot in common: he can’t find peace in his life and neither can I. One time he was ordered to slaughter a village of Native American women and children and sometimes I have tough sets on stage where people don’t laugh as much as I want them to. And Ken Watanabe has a way of delivering lines that make you mourn for the loss of Japan that Was like it’s something you experienced in person and not via Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 when you were in fifth grade.

If I need a little more pick me up, I’ll burn through Book 3: Fire of Avatar: The Last Airbender like it was a bottle full of happy pills. “I don’t think boomerang is coming back, Toph.” Damn it, Sokka, it’s like you know me.

When that isn’t enough, I watch old Royal Rumbles on YouTube. And that’s when you need to start worrying me.

Steven Kunz: Cymbalted Away

Spirited Away has a real heart behind it and to see the amazing animation and the fantastic settings and characters makes it my ‘go to’ if I want to be inspired or become motivated to change things. It’s really enjoyable to see Chihiro initially learning how to be a servant in the bathhouse and watch her grow stronger throughout the film. This movie is also something I go to when I’m depressed because of, once again, childhood memories. I received a Japanese copy of this movie from an art teacher back in high school for the entire summer, a year before the movie came out. It was just a really nice gesture and I showed Spirited Away to friends and family for the entire summer.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is so ridiculous and over the top in that it is impossible not to feel good about it. It’s a movie you can enjoy simply because of that absurdity. Great example of this would have to be Jay and Silent Bob fighting Cock-Knocker, played by Mark Hamill. How can anyone not laugh at Hamill playing a wacky character parodying the lightsaber fights from Star Wars?

Aliens is not only a classic and entertaining movie, but it also brings back childhood memories for me. This was a movie I first watched when I was in the 4th grade, and ever since I can pop in at any time and easily recall great childhood moments. The whole movie itself brings back a younger, happier time.

No matter how bad things are, you’re not Newt.

Matt Blackwood: Arthouse Abilify

This may sound odd, but my go-to movie when I’m feeling awful is a new one. I love getting lost in a story, and it’s tougher to do that when I already know what happens. I especially like to see a new movie in the theatre. I go all by myself and sit in the front and disappear into cinema for two hours. Being overwhelmed by someone else’s imagination takes my mind off my own problems.

Tim Powers: Thomas the Triavil Engine

My ‘go to’ depression TV show is Trains and Locomotives.

This hour-long show explores the trains and locomotives that aided the growth of travel, further settlement and the development of certain American industries and agricultural ventures.

Archival film footage shows many famous trains that operated dome cars, impressive private rail cars and illustrious sightseeing cars through the years.  You’ll see one-of-a-kind, world class trains that were once the very top for speed, style and service. Trains and Locomotives also features interviews with the people who rode, operated and managed the great trains of America’s vast railroads.

Climb aboard the Super Chief, the showcase train of the world famous Santa Fe Railway, which set the standard for all western passenger trains, or visit The California Zephyr, known as the “Silver Thread Through the West.”   Witness the documentation of a travel mode that provided scenery, comfort and high-class service across the United States – from President Lincoln’s private car to the latest most modern cars that are plying the world’s rails today. The unique and timeless footage captures the excitement of streamlined, steam locomotive hauled trains that will go down in history as a monument to the rail industry, as well as the growth of a the American nation.

Visit the machines of iron and rails that stretched from the first Eastern states along the Atlantic, across the expanse of North America to the new states along the Pacific.  If you like to view the world at eye level, or at the speed of steam and coal, then we welcome all aboard Trains and Locomotives on RFD-TV.

Mark Wensel: River Phoenix Remeron

Not only is Stand By Me my favorite movie, but I have a weird connection to coming of age stories that take place in the 60s. What? I like to watch movies about memories that I’ll never have. Is that so weird?

Anyway, there’s something about the story of four kids in their last summer of innocence. Happiness, leeches, guns and taking care of bullies! Then the end happens and you just kind of become a blubbering mess. Not only that, but the fact that the most talented of the four actors overdosed in the street at the top of his game. A more depressing movie that’s not about mass death there is not.

Matt Kelly: Harold and Marplan

There’s few films that are more hopeful, uplifting and well shot as Harold & Maude. Hal Ashby’s direction and Ruth Gordon’s delivery of Colin Higgins is enough to make you chuckle, smile and L-I-V-E LIVE LIVE LIVE.

The film is filled with beautiful motivational speeches that give you a desire to get up and make a change in the world. It’s been my favorite movie since I saw it over 9 years ago and will probably always be my favorite movie.

How can you still be sad after a wonderfully uplifting speech like this?

‘Mayhem’ Molly Mahan: Lexapro of the Fall

I used to say Legends of the Fall was my favorite movie (after all it is a pretty awesome flick), but then I realized I watch it so much because it was the only thing that made me feel better when I was down. When I broke up with my first serious boyfriend, I seriously watched it every day at least once for two weeks. I was a mess, but the awesome trio of Aidan, Anthony, and Brad made life bearable. It was a reason to get up in the morning (if only to find the remote to turn on the TV and crawl back into bed).

I think the reason it helps so much is because there is no way my life will ever be as bad as theirs. My wife isn’t going to be shot by Irish bootleggers, nor is she going to shear her head before blowing her brains out…possibly because I’m a heterosexual female and therefore will never have a wife, but I digress!

Though I don’t watch it as much anymore (perhaps I am more emotionally stable? Hah, yeah right!), whenever I am down on myself I still recall poignant scenes from the film and imagine myself as the characters. For example, today I was down on myself for whatever reason, so I thought of Samuel in his final scene: Blinded by mustard gas, hearing the voice of my savior and I smile, only to be shot down by the Kaiser’s men. Bastards.

That’s right. Brad’s gonna make everything better.

Thrones Post Game: The Ghost of Harrenhal

by Joe Starr

I had high expectations for tonight. After all, last week ended with a lady pushing a shadow baby through her Labia of Light. Were my expectations met? Did I still laugh every time Xaro said his name? Are you following @joestarr187 on Twitter yet? TO THE MAP!

CAMP RENLY!

Remember in Final Fantasy 3 when General Leo from the Empire makes peace with the Returners and the Village of the Magi and they all wave to the camera and the game does a fake happy ending and then OH SHIT HERE COMES KEFKA? You don’t? Well… me neither. Old video games are stupid, right?

…

Anyway, ‘The King of the Beards’ Renly Baratheon and Catelyn Stark get to have a similar scene. They make peace between the Beards and the North and gleefully hold hands and giggle and end the war. Credits! And by ‘credits,’ I mean that shadow man that Melisandre squeezed out stabs Renly through the chest and he fucking dies.

Guards jump in and blame the murder on Renly’s bodyguard Brienne of Tarth and try to kill her, which is stupid. Look at her. She’s like 9 feet tall. Brienne doesn’t want to leave Renly’s body, but Catelyn convinces her that she can’t avenge Renly if she dies. And if she stays, she’s dead. No one is going to buy the ‘shadow person’ defense in Westeros. It’s a shame she doesn’t have Cochran. “If the shadow stalks, Brienne walks!”

HEY GUYS THE 90’S.

After they bail, Renly’s people all join up with Stannis. It’s like the Republican primaries this way. “We stand with the lord that hates gays and reading!” And then that lord dies and they all go “We stand with the other lord that hates gays and reading!”

Littlefinger meets with the Tyrells and suggests that they haul ass out of the area. Loras is not thrilled about this, but eventually sees the wisdom in not dying. In a very cool moment, Littlefinger asks if Margaery wanted to be a queen, to which she replies “No…I wanted to be the Queen.” And then she doesn’t remove her dress, even though it would have been a good button to the scene.

KING’S LANDING!

Tyrion and Cersei seem to hang out a lot for two people that hate each other. Cersei laughs off Tyrion’s concerns about Team Stannis marching their way, and assures him that the King is overseeing the city’s defenses. Which means that Cersei is overseeing them, because King Joffrey is busy overseeing hooker fight clubs.

Tyrion sets out to investigate both Cersei’s plots and her schemes, and gives us this week’s LancelLOL, terrifying Lancel enough that he falls out of a tiny dwarf sized litter. Tyrion having a dwarf sized litter seems weird to me, since he’s not the kind of person to be like ‘I’m a tiny person that needs tiny things!’ so I’ve decided that he only had it made so that Lancel would fall out of it. Justification!

Tyrion discovers that Cersei’s defense plan is having pyromancers create wildfire. At first I thought she meant that the band Pyromancer was going to perform their album Wildfire at the city gates. HELLO KINGS LANDING WE ARE PYROMANCER! THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT! Pyromancer is a side project of Ogre Mage. It turns out that it’s just a few thousand jugs of napalm that they’re going to fling with catapults. Tyrion informs the head pyromancer that he now works for him and dismisses him so that the crazy old man can return to asking the Questions Three at the Bridge of Death.

Tyrion. All of these paragraphs started with ‘Tyrion.’ I am a poor writer.

IRON ISLANDS!

God damn, Theon is ugly. He’s ugly in that ‘so many girls want to fuck him for some reason’ way. You know that ‘I’m on meth’ look that makes ladies put on the blowjob hat? Anyway, he gets  his ship and his crew thinks he’s an idiot and they won’t listen to him. Probably because he fingerbanged his sister. And then one crew member comes to help him out AND IT’S CHRIS FINCH FROM THE OFFICE!

Muchos Tequilos later, Theon and Chris Finch seem to have come up with a scheme involving Winterfell… and hopefully, Finchy’s single barrel pump action yogurt rifle.

Fingers crossed that Mathew Holness plays Mance Rayder.

Holy shit that got me excited about watching The Office. But not you. You have to keep reading.

WINTERFELL!

I wish Bran would stop being a bitch about having legs that don’t work (#northpeopleproblems) because he’s actually doing a pretty good job as a mini lord while Robb is off winning at Westeros Warcraft 2 (the secret is archer towers). Rickon is with him, being a crazy little asshole. I want Rickon to fight the Go Go juice girl from Toddlers in Tiaras. Shaggy Dog can be there so that it’s a fair fight.

Bran is told that a town near Winterfell is being attacked and orders Winterfell’s small remaining force to leave and defend the Stark bannermen, leaving Winterfell defenseless! Could this be part of the plot that Theon and Chris Finch were giggling about in their canoe? PROBABLY.

QARTH!

We get some baby dragons, and then some tension between Dani’s handmaidens. And then at Xaro’s party, we get some tension between Dani and her bloodriders. And then there is some tension between her and Xaro, who suggests that if they get married, he’ll fund her invasion of Westeros. After that, there’s tension between her and Jorah Mormont because he’s always saying ‘that’s probably not a good idea, your Grace.’ We also get a really great monologue from Mormont explaining why he loyally follows the beautiful Targaryen, who has thankfully unchapped her lips. It’s a moving moment, but doesn’t completely pull the trigger on the obvious ‘Jorah wants to bang you’ story we will undoubtedly get in the future.

Also, a lady that looks like Iron Man if Iron Man made his helmet out of woven rugs knows who Mormont is. What was that about?

Also, these guys:

Shit a shadow baby and maybe we’ll talk. Open mic trolls, am I right?

BEYOND THE WALL!

The Night’s Watch sets up camp at the Fist of the First Men. While they do this, everyone bitches about how the First Men got slaughtered when they set up camp here and how it’s a terrible idea. So they stay. Naturally. The Halfhand shows up and out grizzles everyone. They talk about the army Mance Rayder is gathering in the mountains. Halfhand wants to put together a small team to kill the Wildlings manning any beacon fire outposts. That’s right Basterds, Halfhand wants his scalps. Jon ‘The Wolf Jew’ Snow joins up.

 HARRENHAL!

Arya meets up with Jaqen H’ghar, who tells her that for the three lives she saved two episodes ago he now owes the Red God three deaths to keep balance. Arya merely has to tell him three names and he’ll get it done. She names The Tickler, the torture guy from last week, and Jaqen kicks off what is still one of my favorite sections from the books: The ‘Arya tells Jaqen names and Jaqen kills them’ section.

Arya’s also working as Tywin Lannister’s cup bearer. In front of his war council, Tywin has Arya admit she’s from the north, and asks what they are saying about Robb Stark. Arya replies that he rides a direwolf and can’t be killed. When pressed if she believes that, Arya stares Tywin down and says ‘anyone can be killed.’ It is awesome.

Also, Gendry gets all shirtless making a sword and I have to admit, I sort of got a boner. It wasn’t even a sexual thing. It was just my penis’s way of acknowledging who the alpha male in the room was.

Ok, seriously buddy. You’ve gotta go

And that’s what you missed on Dark Ages Glee.

Geekscape Is Hosting a Screening of Post Apocalyptic Dance Battle Epic THE FP!

by Joe Starr

Geekscape has been behind this crazy ass instant cult classic since the first trailer dropped and we’re beyond thrilled to be hosting a screening of our favorite indie movie of 2012: THE FP!

Join us and our friends at Flixist for an excusive screening with select Cast and Crew in attendance!

BUY YOUR TICKETS HERE: http://tugg.com/events/515#.T4zBvI7pjG1

This WILL sell out so get your tickets!

PLUS! Special Q&A and Dance Contest!

April 26th at 7:30pm!

Just $9!

AMC Citywalk Stadium 19!

Stick around after the movie for not only a Q&A with the filmmakers but also an FP-style dance contest, voted on by the audience (so bring your crew or you might get 187’d)!

Winners and contestants will receive gifts and prizes so get ready to challenge for the title!

Be there for the ducks!

Thrones Post Game: Garden of Bones

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! Crazy, right? FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

Episode four, people! Last night we all got on my buddy Bob’s giant ass couch that he calls the teddy bear picnic to watch Game of Thrones and ARE THOSE NEW LOCATIONS IN THE OPENING CREDITS CAN ANYONE SEE MY PANTS TENT? To the map!

A Battlefield!

Two guards are just dropping lasers on Renly Baratheon being gay when Grey Wind murders one of them mid piss. Then a bunch of dudes shout ‘King of the North!’ and Robb and company makes their charge. ‘Mid piss ambush’ seems to be Robb’s version of a Zergling rush, and you’d think at this point the Lannisters would change some rules on guarding, peeing, and fence building for their camps. Important note: the guards referred to the soldiers of each house as ‘lions’ and ‘wolves’ for the first time I’ve noticed it in the series and it pleased me. It pleased me greatly, ser.

By morning, the Northmen have mopped everyone up and Robb has a very flirty conversation with a hot nurse. I remember how badly I wanted to bang my wife the first time I watched her saw a screaming man’s foot off, too. Her name is Talissa and Robb is clearly smitten as she rides off into the sunset and I make a fart face because she’s not in the books.

Was the made up hooker not enough?

Camp Renly! 

Kid Gladiator AKA Lil Fingerz AKA Petyr B arrives at Camp Renly and gets a little sucking up done with the King of the Beards. I’ve decided that each king is the King of Something. Robb is the King of the North. Renly is the King of the Beards. Joffrey is the King of the Fucking Crazy People and Stannis is King of the Cold, Distant Step Dads that Will Never Love You, Not Like Your Real Dad Did.

Petyr drops by to see Cat Stark, who is not thrilled to see him. He argues that he did his best to support Ned and also offers terms: Sansa and Arya for the Kingslayer. He leaves out the part where no one knows where Arya is. And then he drops Ned Stark’s bones off and peaces out like his name was Pimpfingerz AKA King of the Tidy Mustaches.

And then he saddles up to Margie Tyrell who stays clothed for their conversation. Petyr suggests that her marriage to Renly is a little odd, since he’s currently balls deep in her brother three tents back. Tyrell shrugs him off. Remember, she’s played by Natalie Dormer, and in the paper rock scissor world of Game of Thrones, Dormer beats Littlefinger, Littlefinger beats Melisandre, and Melisandre shits shadow babies on Dormer. And I think that Arya is lava.

Renly and Stannis have a parlay. The Red Lady suggests Renly look to his sins and Stannis promises that his brother will die if he doesn’t drop his claim to the throne. I love Stannis. He’s not good, and he’s not bad- he’s just technically right about the succession and is the most stubborn, cold person in the world.

Qarth!

Thank the Seven that one of Dani’s outriders found a city, because I was getting tired of them sitting there dying every episode. Stormborn, the Blood of the Dragon, the Unburnt and Chapped of Lip gathers her little brood and head for the merchant city of Quarth Qarth. She meets the Thirteen. They are the 13 richest merchants that run Qarth. So Qarth is run like the United States, AMIRIGHT? Occupy! Yes we can!

Dani refuses to show these guys her dragons, so they plan on leaving her outside the gates to starve and die, until one of the 13, Xaro Xhoan Daxos (thaaaaaaaaaaat’s my name tooooooooooo) accepts responsibility for the group and lets them in as his guests. And then he passes Dani a chapstick.

PUT THIS ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW KHALEESI OK THANK YOU

King’s Landing!

Everything that happened on King’s Landing in this episode was incredibly pleasant and very similar to an episode of Friendship is Magic.

Ugh. Joffrey has discovered a love of crossbows. He is a big fan of pointing them at a crying Sansa while the court looks on. He can’t kill her, so he decides to have her beaten and stripped. Tyrion storms in pissed and saves the day, and we discover that while Joffrey is crazy, he’s still not bold enough to speak up to his uncle. So that’s a good thing. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Also, in this week’s episode of Lancel LOLZ, Lancel tries to act all bad ass with Tyrion and the Imp terrifies him into being a loyal spy. Oh, Lancel.

Tyrion wonders if maybe Joffrey is crazy because he really needs to get laid. All men watching the show kind of nod and agree with this assessment and Tyrion buys the king some whores.

And then the king has one of the whores beat the hell out of the other while he watches. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Harrenhal!

Let’s pause and talk about how amazing this series is. When I read the books, I have to admit that aside from King’s Landing and Winterfell, I pretty much picture every castle as the same pile of rocks with different banners. When I read about Harrenhal, it’s the same but in a minor state of disrepair.

Holy shit, production team! Harrenhal is TERRIFYING. Usually the adaptation of a book leaves you rolling your eyes at the sparseness of the meal the adaptation hands you. So far, Game of Thrones has fed us and wrapped up leftovers. I can’t remember the last time an adaptation actually enhanced the book for me.

Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie find themselves as guests in Harrenhal, where everyone gets tortured and killed. Arya has started her prayer of people she’d like to murder to get herself to sleep. Gendry is saved from torture when Tywin Lannister arrives, and is less than thrilled that possibly good laborers are being killed, setting the group free and putting them to work. He chooses Arya to be his new cup bearer and then demands to know the location of the Ajanti Dagger.

“My brother Noompsi has forgiven me!” 

The dark and full of terrors night!

Stannis has this conversation with Davos:

Stannis: Do you miss being a smuggler?

Davos: Nope. Pretty happy with my new life. I’ve cleaned up my act, now I’m a knight, and my wife and sons have the opportunities that they never would have had if I was still skulking into caves at night stealing things and helping assassins sneak into camps.

Stannis: I need you to go skulk into a cave tonight and help an assassin sneak into Renly’s camp.

Davos: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

The assassin turns out to be the Red Lady herself, Melisandre. They banter a bit in their canoe, and we learn that Carice van Houten was cast as Mel because she gives both boners and the creeps when she talks. It’s tougher than you think and she deserves a Golden Globe.

The two discover that the passage to the camp has been barred. That’s when Melisandre drops her robe, shows off a sudden super pregnant belly, and gives birth to a shadow baby while poor Davos shits his pants.

And THAT’S how you do a cliffhanger!

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

I am assuming that Talissa the Sassy Nurse is actually Jeyne Westerling and they’re trying to beef up Robb’s want to marry her over a Frey. Which I’m totally fine with, and it makes Jeyne a much cooler character.

Everyone keeps telling me that the shadow killing Renly and Davos seeing Mel crap a shadow baby happen in two different scenes but this is actually the way I remember it from the books so WELL DONE, TV SHOW.

So excited about Jaqen H’Ghar. Arya’s evolution into a murder machine is going to be so much fun to watch. I’m hoping that the series ends with her holding Bella Swan’s head by the hair and screaming ‘Valar Morghulis.’

Also, I am so excited to see Joffrey fucking die. It’ll be pretty damn satisfying.

Uncanny Assembly: Geekscape Reviews Avengers vs. X Men #2

by Joe Starr

We’re back with Avengers vs. X Men: Round 2! If you missed my review of #1, it’s right here. Before you get caught up, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter so you can tell me I’m a dick for my opinions at @joestarr187. All caught up? Let’s do this.

Things pick up right where they left off: with a helicarrier full of Avengers decloaking over Utopia with jets scrambling and Colossus being hurled at it. He crashes through, and like Spider Man says, Avengers vs. X Men is actually happening.

Red Hulk pairs off with Cojuggerlossusnaught and Namor punches the holy hell out of Thing with Luke Cage on the ring apron ready to tag in and bring the Sweet Christmas to the Prince of Atlantis. I love the Hulk. Hulk dialogue will never surprise you, especially if it starts with ‘So you’re the strongest on <insert place here>?’ You know he’s going to say that he’s the strongest there is. But no matter what color he is, when he says it, it’s always awesome.

Captain America brings a wave of Avengers to the shore and gives the command for his hastily drawn comrades to take the beach. Cyclops, complete with a Cap shield dent in his visor, gives the order for the X Men to charge and the fight is on!

Not that it’s much of a fight. Seriously, Cyclops has Psylocke and some New Mutants and Dr. Nemesis charging into Wolverine, Iron Fist, Spider Man, Captain America, and a Giant Man. Not sure if it’s Pym or Stature’s dad. Remember the cartoon Samurai Pizza Cats? There was a comic relief B team called The Rescue Squad and that’s what Scott Summers has on the beach plus Psylocke. We can pretty much call the fight here, but this is a $3.99 comic, so we’ve got some pages to fill.

It’s time for the New Mutants to hang it up.

But things get better for the X Men because SURGE GETS A LINE! She says “why was I left off of a main roster but Vampire Jubilee is still around?” Actually, she only says “what the hell are they even doing here?” but she says it awesomely. She’s hanging out in a room with a giant window right next to the action with Pixie (Utopia’s Wesley Crusher) and some Lights watching the fight. Through a big window next to the battle. It’s the perfect place for Emma to stow Hope: an easily found room full of people Hope could easily incapacitate if she wanted to. I’m starting to think Cyclops got the short end of the schism stick as far as rosters go because the talent on this island is thin. Steve Rogers is just going to hang out in the ring and start jack knifing people while referees make three counts on guys he’s not even pinning.

“Did someone just reference me? I’m available for bookings! I played Super Shredder!”

This logic jump is forgiven, as we move into a cool Emma Frost vs. Iron Man and then Iron Man vs. Magneto sequence. And then we cut to Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch hanging out in their bonus room watching the fight on television. Did you call it a bonus room or a den? I think it’s only a den if your dad is the primary occupant. Dad=den, kids=playroom and mom=kitchen. AMIRIGHT?

Apparently there’s crazy fighting going on, but it’s not so crazy that CNN helicopters are about 100 feet from a Magneto fight filming it. I always love seeing super heroes lounging in their house. It’s important to note that Quicksilver is business casual when he watches television, but Scarlet Witch has yet to buy new clothes since she resurfaced, so she’s been catching up on Breaking Bad in full costume. Pietro decides it’s time to punch his dad in the face, and does so. Scarlet Witch stays home and writes in her dream journal. We know it’s a dream journal because it’s opened to the middle of the book and it says ‘Wanda’s Dream Journal’ at the top. The first half of the book is all Quicksilver/Scarlet Witch fanfiction written by Quicksilver. And it gets pretty gross.

Meanwhile, the mutants are pissed at Wolverine because his X Men book is the best one, and Storm and Black Panther are super pissed at each other because remember that they’re married? This had better end with her and Panther making a decision together and not them splitting apart, since they got married and then he started being Daredevil right away and so far their marriage has been stupid.

Hope watches the fight from closer than the CNN helicopters and of course she’s gonna get out because she’s being guarded by Pixie and a blue chick I don’t know the name of.

Cyclops gets his ass handed to him by Captain America, but manages to get a shot off at Wolverine. Props to Aaron- he manages to show more Schism between Scott and “the crazy fringe” Logan in one panel than all of Schism did in like 6 books.

And seriously, Cyclops just did a total job to Steve Rogers. It was rough.

Magik traps Dr. Strange in hell and takes magic out of the fight. She’s back to having goat legs, which is pretty cool if you like goat legs. She’s got a demon army with her, which is a good indicator of where Scott Summers’ head it right now. Spoiler alert: It’s in a place where goat legs and demon armies are an ok thing.

Danger warns Cyclops that Stark is shutting down their island defenses. I haven’t seen any island defenses yet so I’m not sure that this is something anyone should be worried about. When I think ‘island defenses’ I think of that sequence in Transformers: The Movie when Autobot City turns into nothing but guns. So far, Utopia’s defenses have been Hepzibah in a sports bra, and Dr. Nemesis, who always makes me think of Dr. McNinja.

Please join the X Club.

Wolverine and Spider Man sneak into a drainpipe like Slaughter and the Renegades breaking into the Terrordrome. They find Hope and she Phoenixes them. And then I think she burns Wolverine alive? So he’s dead. LOLj/k.

And then, in a gag out of Three’s Company, the Avengers burst through one door and the X Men burst through another and they all go ‘where’s Hope?!’ And of course Hope has bailed. And then the X Men and Avengers are trapped together in a small space and forced to work out their differences.

Meanwhile, in deep space, the rest of the Avengers are about to get fucked up by a giant cosmic firebird. I bet Ms. Marvel gets aced. They don’t have anything planned for her, right?

In my last review I ripped Romita’s art pretty severely and it continues to be a problem. I’m not going to beat a dead horse but there are panels where Iron Fist looks like a circle with a smiley face and that just sucks.

But Aaron is shining: I’m excited to see The Best Writer of All Time writing Avengers. The fight scenes are well staged- when Namor comes at Thing there’s a sense of history between the two and not just ‘this will sell comics!’ Likewise when Summers keeps focusing on Wolverine and airs his ‘we’re fucking step children to the Avengers’ grievances. This moment of aggression was earned by Marvel. It didn’t need Nitro blowing up kids. It may not have even needed Phoenix: Everyone is sick of everything. X Men are sick of being second thought garbage. Avengers are sick of world killing events. The X Men might cause one. So now the Avengers are sick of them. It’s been organic and well done, and you can read the reasons behind every punch.

ELSEWHERE… I also picked up Jason Aaron’s Wolverine and the X Men AvX tie in, and I suggest you pick it up. It’s fantastic and it also made me realize that the Jean Grey School is basically a school for mutants run by Avengers, which is kind of awesome. It’s also full of Gladiator and Kid Gladiator, and Chris Bachalo took more than 20 minutes to draw it.

NEXT ISSUE… Phoenix burns the world to ashes and civilization has to be restarted by Surge and Kid Gladiator! Excelsior!

Thrones Post Game: What Is Dead May Never Die

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

We’re three episodes in to Season 2 of Game of Thrones and things are beginning to pick up in dear Westeros! While the first two episodes had to dedicate most of their time to catching the audience up on WHERE EVERYONE IS, ‘What Is Dead May Never Die’ kicked things into gear and got us crazy close to hitting 55 miles per hour. Let’s take a look at the map!

King’s Landing!

Tyrion began playing his Game of Hands against the King’s Small Council by telling variations of the same plan to Pycelle, Littlefinger, and Varys to find out who would rat to the queen first. The queen confronts Tyrion with the Pycelle version of the story with a fantastic show of rage between Cersei and Tyrion that will hopefully not be their last, and Pycelle gets the classic ‘in bed with a whore one moment, being dragged out by barbarians, a dwarf, and Bronn the next’ treatment. Man. College, right?

IMPORTANT OPINION YOU WILL FIND NO WHERE ELSE ON THE INTERNET: Tyrion is a fantastic character. He’s not a good guy, but he recognizes that his family can’t stay on top constantly being the douche bags that they are and is desperately trying to steer them on a decent path. Not that Joffrey is capaple of finding a decent path: if his encounter with Batman at a young age couldn’t do it, how much hope does the Dinklage have?

Katie Holmes should have let him burn.

Littlefinger ain’t happy to be a part of Tyrion’s tricks, but is probably a little happier to be dispatched by the Hand to treat with Catelyn Stark. Did you know that Littlefinger is the Kid Gladiator of Game of Thrones? I DROP TRUTH LIKE BOMBS.

Varys and Tyrion trade riddles in the dark decently lit room in a fantastic scene about the ideas of where power really comes from. It’s nice to see season 2 take the time to dig into the theme instead of constantly being in a hurry to catch you up on what everyone’s doing.

Poor Sansa has a dinner that comes dangerously close to Will Ferrell reminding Cersei that he drives a Dodge Stratus, while Mrycella and Tommen get some screen time in. Moments like the youngest Lannisters getting some character development in make me thank the Seven that Thrones wasn’t made into a series of movies. I’m looking at you, Harry Potter and the Half Assed Supporting Cast.

Did they both die? I can’t even remember. Those movies were terrible.

And in further Sansa developments, Shea is introduced as her new handmaiden. Maybe they’ll make out. Whatever, they’re both stupid.

North of the Wall!

The Night’s Watch is still camped out in Craster’s creepy little keep. Not a whole lot going on here…Sam falls in love with one of Craster’s daughterwives and gives her a thimble before leaving to reattach his shadow. Jon Snow had discovered that Craster offers his baby sons to the White Walkers and that Craster knew that he knows, and after a cryptic chat with Mormont, knows that the Bear knew what he knew already, which is surprising to Jon because he assumed that Mormont didn’t know what Craster knew that Jon had known. Did you know that? …Of course.

Winterfell!

The awesome POV wolf dreams continue! We get to see Summer as a grown direwolf! Also, Hodor! Bran attempts to explain his dreams to Luwin, who gently explains that there is no magic left in the world. It’s like the atheist response to Gandalf’s monologue about heaven in Return of the King. The movie, not the book. In the Lord of the Rings books, if it was long enough to be a monologue, it was a song.

Iron Islands!

Theon continues to be a bitch, especially in the shadow of his father and sister. Remember when he fingerbanged her? That was gross. It looks like he’s not going to hang on to any loyalties to Robb and that the Squids are gonna attack the North. They’re trying to make him sympathetic and conflicted, but remember when he fingerbanged his sister?

En Route to The Wall!

Arya can’t sleep, and Yoren shares a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay: chanting the name of his brother’s killer.

The Gold Cloaks show up for Gendry with backup and Yoren dies because he shared a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay with Arya. Arya frees Jaqen from getting burned alive and tells the Cloaks that the now dead Lommy was Gendry. And then they all get captured.

Also, Arya totally looks like Daniel Radcliffe from Sorcerer’s Stone.

Camp Renly!

Ser Loras is bested in a tournament by the very awesome Brienne of Tarth! Brienne is given a place in King Renly’s Kingsguard, and Renly is given the prize for ‘Best Crown.’ Seriously, it’s an awesome crown. Other things happened at Camp Renly, too. Cat Stark showed up and there was some talk of things and to be honest, I wasn’t paying attention. Natalie Dormer was on camera. She’s playing Margaery Tyrell and she’s Highgarden royalty along with Loras and she’s been married to Renly to combine his forces with Highgarden and then she takes her top off and holy shit, Natalie Dormer.

Something something Renly who cares?

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

Yoren teaching Arya her prayer was a slight deviation from the book, but it game the episode an awesome ‘Captain America’s shield is in Tony’s workshop’ moment that I really loved.

I hate Shae in the books. I also hate her in the show.

Whereas in the books, I start to get bored when we’re not on a Jon Snow or Arya chapter, I’ve started to really favor the Dany stuff in the show.

When does Hagrid find Arya and say ‘yer a member of the assassin’s guild, ‘arry?’

 

 

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ DANCE WITH DRAGONS

They should have named Reek Sisterfingers AMIRIGHT?

It’s a shame Luwin doesn’t live long enough for those Children of the Forest that look like the Mirkwood Elves from the Hobbit cartoon to show up.

Shut up and look at my balls, Bran! LOOK AT THEM!

 

Uncanny Assembling: Geekscape Reviews Avengers vs. X Men #0-1

by Joe Starr

So, this review is late but there’s a decent reason: I wasn’t planning on picking this series up. I hate the term ‘event fatigue,’ but about halfway through ‘Fear Itself’ the beast reared its ugly head and I stopped about halfway through.

It wasn’t so much that I was tired of limited series books or empty promises of big changes. These complaints get tossed around a lot, and they aren’t always completely fair. Marvel has done a decent job giving lasting impact after each event- House of M completely redefined the X-verse, but on the other hand, Secret Invasion sacrificed the Age of Normpocalypse by rushing it into Siege.

What took me out of Fear Itself was the throwaway impact on the world that these superheroes live in. Fear Itself was about breaking the world in half. Panels featured bodies piled building high and reports of autism rates tripling and dogs and cats living together and in the end they were all throwaway moments. Are we ever going to see any of that pay off outside of a ‘Battle Scars’ mini that most folks won’t read? Which books are going to deal with the fact that the world just got blitzed by Norse powered Exo Suit Nazis? I mean really deal with it, not just devote a panel to Jarvis saying “My word, those Exo Suit Nazis certainly were a pain, right Ms. Danvers?” and dusting his shoulders off. It’s almost like Fear Itself had ‘event fatigue’ and was becoming a parody of event books- “Paris just exploded. Eh, who cares. Here comes a panel of action that suggests you buy some issue of Iron Man.” More on compressed storytelling like that later.

And now I’m rambling. MOVING FORWARD. Someone convinced me that AvX would be about two teams fighting for a specific goal and that autism rates skyrocketing would have nothing to do with it. Also, I love a good Frank Cho.

So let’s bust through this. Issue 0 is purely set up. Cyclops is training Hope and she wants to know why everyone keeps mouthing the words ‘giant firebird’ and then making explosion noises while gesturing at her when she walks into rooms. Cyclops doesn’t want her to know because she just isn’t ready. And you’d think she’s ready, because she’s clearly 23. Wait, what? She’s how old? Jesus, Frank.

Meanwhile, it’s the Scarlet Witch! I started reading Avengers right when she was going insane and killing them, so Scarlet Witch the hex bolting super hero is new for me. Ms. Marvel is stoked to see her but the Vision is not thrilled. Can we recolor this guy? He just looks silly. I actually laughed at his big green robot tears.
So that’s where we are at the end of #0. Scarlet Witch is back but now she’s gone. Hope is being trained. And here comes Phoenix!

ISSUE #1! I love the opening, with the father and son on their farm and then their planet gets blown to shit by the Phoenix. Quick and brutal. The Avengers then have a terrible time catching a crashing plane and a jet engine. It takes almost 6 pages and makes you wonder how they survived all of those Nazi Gundams. A building gets broken and pieces and people fall and those people that hate Mad Men because of 9-11 probably got furious. The plane got busted up because Nova crashed through it. He warns the Avengers that ‘it’s coming’ and then passes out. There’s a weird conversation between Iron Man and Protector that comes off like a bad improv scene. It’s the only Bendis strike in the whole book.

You wondering what Cyclops and Hope are doing right now? Yeah. Training. I bet Hope is wishing she had left for the Jean Grey Academy. Maybe she’d be having some laughs and making out with Kid Gladiator, AKA THE FUTURE OF MARVEL COMICS. It’s a cool sequence with Cyclops REALLY pushing the kid. She gets all firebirdy and lashes out. She is not comfortable with it. Let me mention here that Bendis writes the hell out of Cyclops. I love the tension in Cyclops in this first issue. This guy is at breaking point, and after everything he’s been through, I don’t blame him.

The Avengers pick up the Phoenix energy signature. They mention that they’ve been scanning for Phoenix ever since the Jean Grey Incident. I’m not sure which incident they’re referring to and why they didn’t show up any time Rachel Summers is on the planet earth or during Endsong (the answer is that they didn’t want Greg Land drawing them.) Personally, if I was an Avenger I’d be more worried about Scarlet Witch scanning, since she’s the reason everyone has been following Luke Cage around to fight ninjas for the past 10 years. Remember when she showed up at your front door the other day and everyone but the crying robot was like ‘come on in! we’re watching ‘Duck Dynasty!’

Not that I blame them.

Captain America checks in with Wolverine. This is a cool conversation. Wolverine’s got some deep seeded conflict in this thing, and it’s not just about WHICH SIDE HE’LL CHOOSE. He’s loved Jean ever since the X Men Animated Series said that he did and he’s not quite sure how to deal with this. I know that Wolverine sells books, but I wouldn’t mind seeing this battle being the final straw of him pulling out of both teams and going ronin for a bit in something Jason Aaron writes and Phil Noto draws.

On X Men Island, Cyclops is having a meeting about Hope with his trusted advisors: Magneto, Emma Frost, Namor, and…Colossus. Maybe Colossus just showed up and no one could really make him leave. Would you even try? He’s entered the ‘bald Kurt Angle is going to murder you’ phase of his super hero career. They have a big argument about Hope.

And then Captain America arrives, demanding to take Hope into custody. Down by some rocks on the shore. The drawbridge must have been up. Cyclops and Captain America have a very tense dick waving contest with each other. Cyclops optic blasts the guy and the Avengers get Assembled by decloaking above Utopia. A good cliffhanger moment that could have been great, except…

I hate the art. Even at his best, I don’t like Romita’s style on a mega power super hero book like The Avengers. He’s a gritty Kick Ass and Daredevil kind of guy. I don’t think he works on a book like this. On top of that, it seems like he slept walked through this book. There are some panels in AvX #1 that I’m shocked no one handed back to Romita like Lumberg in Office Space going ‘yeeeeah…you’re gonna have to come in on Sunday.’ There were drawings in this 3.99 ‘event of the decade’ book that belonged on a children’s menu/activity page at a Denny’s. Though I didn’t like Fear Itself, it was a gorgeous book. It was Stuart Immomen at his best. Give him that AvX spot. Hell, beg Joe Mad to do it. But Romita’s drawing like he’s ready to hang it up. Pair him with Chris Claremont on a ‘Forever’ book and call it a day.

Can you find where John Romita Jr. stopped caring?

Overall, Bendis’ writing saves Romita’s art. Are they cycling through different creative teams on this thing? I hope so, because I really can’t look at Romita’s Spider Woman anymore. Despite enjoying the writing, with a separate ‘vs.’ book coming out, I can’t help but think that AvX is just going to be random panels that link to other books you have to buy to get any fleshed out story, like Fear Itself was. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong, and that Bendis delivers an equally strong issue #2.

After Dark Films and Dark Castle Home Entertainment Announce “After Dark Action”

by Joe Starr

Did you love The Expendables but were still royally pissed that it didn’t have Christian Slater and Peter Weller in it? Well get ready to poop your pants, change those pants, and then poop them again.

“After Dark Action” Opens Theatrically and On Demand May 11, 2012

Los Angeles, CA (April 2, 2012) – Dark Castle Home Entertainment and After Dark Films will debut the new action movie franchise AFTER DARK ACTION, it was announced today by Courtney Solomon, After Dark Films President and CEO. The first generation of AFTER DARK ACTION movies includes five original, adrenaline-pumping films starring international stars such as Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Peter Weller, James Caviezel, Cung Le and Christian Slater. AFTER DARK ACTION will showcase the movies theatrically as a commercial film festival in markets nationwide and on VOD on May 11. “After many years with the HORRORFEST ‘8 FILMS TO DIE FOR’ and AFTER DARK ORIGINALS brands, we are excited to expand into the action film arena,” says Solomon. “Our mission is to create innovative, first-rate entertainment for action lovers everywhere.”

AFTER DARK ACTION combines the talents of Joel Silver’s Dark Castle Home Entertainment and After Dark Films for a series of high quality, high-octane action pictures. “Helping Courtney and After Dark put these films together has been a great experience,” Silver says. “The audience is in for a treat.”

The first installment of AFTER DARK ACTION includes:

Transit – Starring James Caviezel, James Frain, Elizabeth Rohm, Harold Perrineau and Sterling Knight; and directed by Antonio Negret and written by Michael Gilvary

Dragon Eyes – Starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Cung Le and Peter Weller; and directed by John Hyams and written by Tim Tori

Philly Kid – Starring Neal McDonough, Devon Sawa and Wes Chatham; and directed by Jason Connery and written by Adam Mervis

Stash House – Starring Dolph Lundgren, Sean Faris, Briana Evigan and Jon Huertas; and directed by Eduardo Rodriguez and written by Gary Spinelli

EL Gringo – Starring Christian Slater, Scott Adkins and Yvette Yates, directed by Eduardo Rodriguez and written by Jonathan W. Stokes

Geekscape’s Not Quite the Next Big Thing: Mermates

by Joe Starr

After a month of promos and its first episode quickly picking up steam, Mermates, the web series about a man and his mermaid roommate, could easily be the internet’s Next Big Thing. Geekscape spoke with creator Michael Jonathan Smith, who also created the popular web comic Eros Inc, about the series, whose second episode premieres today.

 Michael: “Mermates” originally started off as a parody of a guy becoming roommates with a vampire, because I really wanted to make fun of the whole vampire genre. Then I realized a ton of people have done that better, but no one has covered mermaids yet. The idea of him being an everted mermaid (human on the outside, fish organs on the inside) stemmed from the question “how do I make this guy a mermaid without make-up?” Everything kind of came together after that.

Geekscape: So the concept sort of came out of resources, or lack thereof?

Michael: Exactly. I ran down in my head: What do I have? What can I get? What can I work with? I was like “realistically, what can I write that would bother as little people as possible?”

I started Eros Inc because I wanted to create something without having to rely on anyone. I was the writer, the actor, the director, the editor. You wear a lot of hats in web comics and it’s been the same with the web series.

Geekscape: Especially if it’s a web series about hats.

Michael: Don’t get me started on Downton Haberdashery.

The web series is completely different than any kind of media, because it has to tell the story (like a television show) but also be short and to the point. If it’s too long, you lose the internet. It’s a little like Twitter – you have to be economical with your time. I’m still learning to pare down.

Geekscape: The promos leading up to the first episode were great.

Michael: Those were really fun. There were a ton of gags and stuff that we wanted to do that didn’t fit into a specific episode. My personal favorite is the mermaid getting really offended by The Little Mermaid ride at Disneyland.

“It’s a culture, not a costume.”

Geekscape: That was our favorite as well. The roommates have great chemistry!

Michael: Alex and Chris are so fantastic. They did the series Adult Education together, which is at the LA Webfest this year. They’ve been working on stuff together for a long time, starting with a comedy group in San Francisco called SPF7. Chris also does sketch with his brother Matt as The Yule Brothers, and to continue the circle of life, Matt stars in a series called Peter Man, which was created by Justin Lamb, who was also in SPF7. Just between these two, there is a ton of amazing content online. Also, both Mermates and Peter Man involve breakups with a woman named Michelle. I can’t explain that to you.

Geekscape: Do you have any projects lined up after Mermates?

Michael: We’re writing a Mermates Christmas special.

Geekscape: That’s very British of you.

Michael: Almost as British as Downton Haberdashery.

Episode 2 of Mermates is up! You can find it at mermatestheseries.com after you watch the first episode below:

APRIL FOOLS! Showrunner Reveals Dark Twist for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

by Joe Starr

This was an April Fools joke… did you fall for it?

Jayson Thiessen, who took over My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic after artistic director Lauren Faust stepped down, revealed to Friendship is Magic fansite FYBRONIES today a dark twist to the popular series to be revealed at the end of the current season: all of the ponies of Equestria are reincarnated humans who died in horse related murders.

“We’re trying to stay true to Lauren Faust’s original vision,” Thiessen explains, “and that vision is that in a previous life, Fluttershy was a young boy who was maliciously trampled to death by Kentucky Derby winner Secretariat.”

Fans are understandably outraged, as this news lands quickly after Michael Bay’s announced intentions to make the Ninja Turtles aliens in his new reboot of the TMNT franchise. Thiessen, however, aims to calm the Pony community: “We have one of the strongest, most loyal and wonderful fanbases on television, and we want them to feel confident that My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic will continue to focus on sheer and utter joyfulness and that Twilight Sparkle will continue to learn lessons based on friendship, kindness, and respect, but that now she also has to figure out who killed her in that barn in 1994 and why.”

Lauren Faust could not be reached for comment.

Avengers vs. X Men: The Matches We Really Want To See

by Joe Starr

I know that you’ve read a ton of other articles about fights people want to see in Avengers vs. X Men. And I know that you’ve been bored by them. Captain America and Cyclops? Meh. Rogue vs. Iron Man? Pfft. Red Hulk vs. Armor and Surge…? Acceptable. With fights that bland, I can’t believe Marvel hasn’t been purchased by Dreamwave yet.

There are a lot of battles I’m dreaming of that Marvel just doesn’t have the courage to give us. So here, in no particular order, are most of them.

 Decade Late Battle of the Decade: 

Gambit vs. 90’s Thor

Remy Lebeau: The poster child of 90’s Marvel. He’s still wearing that damn coat and that black and purply armor/jumpsuit thing and he’s still throwing cards. He couldn’t be anymore 90’s if he was throwing Wildstorm cards.

But the Son of Odin shant let the X Men own the 90’S! It’s time for Thor to pay his storage unit a visit and fish out the STRAPS! CHAINS! BELLY SHIRT! SHOULDER PADS! Whoever wields this dick armor, should he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor!

Projected winner: Gambit is shattered into a pile of Phalanx Covenant hologram covers when he tries to hit Thor in the junk with his staff.

By the Order of Agent Henry Peter Gyrich:

Token Black Guy Battle Royale

Storm. Black Panther. Bishop. Falcon. That smart kid from New X Men that lost his powers. Patriot. Black Widow. Black Knight. Black Tom Cassidy. Throughout the years, a respectable handful of black superheroes have either protected a world that hated and feared them or served as one of earth’s mightiest heroes.

But heads up, true believers: after AvX every spot for an African American hero is being taken up by a different Spider-Man costume variation, and according to Gyrich, the Avengers and X Men will share one only black person between the two teams.

Projected winner: Krystalin from X Men 2099 wins the spot. Black Panther stops hanging out in New York all the time and remembers to run that country that he’s the king of.

The Real McCoy:

X Men Beast vs. Avengers Beast

One 3.99 22 page comic of Hank McCoy sitting in his room making a pros and cons list about which team he should fight alongside. WRITTEN BY GRANT MORRISON.

Projected Winner: Whichever one makes him not look like a cat anymore.

Kid Gladiator vs. Everyone

I mainly just want to see Kid Gladiator beat the hell out of that dinosaur kid from Avengers Academy like a super strong Verne Gagne. Did you guys know that Kid Gladiator is the future of comics? Because he is.

Projected Winner: Kid Gladiator beats up the whole crossover, jumps to the New 52, and takes care of them, too. Broo helps.

The Chuck Austen Memorial Cage Match: 

Lionheart vs. Nurse Annie

If Lionheart wins, she gets to see her kids which she couldn’t do for some reason! If Annie wins, she…I guess she bangs Havok? And her son watches? Chuck Austen was weird.

Projected Winner: Chuck Austen, for me reminding everyone he existed for a paragraph.

Andy Kaufman InterGender

Championship Match: 

Hank Pym vs. Emma Frost

I just want to see Hank try and give Emma the Pym-Hand. She used to be a stripper. They know how to deal with dudes like that.

Projected winner: Emma Frost makes Pym sit on his hands by force.

The ‘I Know Now Why You Cry But It Is Something I Can Never Do’ Invitational Robot Fight: 

Vision vs. Danger

Maybe it’s because I was just writing about old Chuck Austen runs, but I hope Scarlet Witch falls in love with Danger.

Projected Winner: Vision is in control until Hugh Jackman figures out how to make Danger mimic his shadow boxing moves.

Avengers: Disassembled

vs. X Men: Disassembled

Bendis is leaving Avengers. We know this to be true. And we all know by now that his roadmap to a franchise’s success looks something like this:

1. Disassemble
2. Red Ninjas
3. Profit
4. Red Ninjas

Don’t think it’s not coming, X fans. Sure, they just schismed, but right after we had a Civil War we were Secretly Invaded, and then we faced Fear Itself like two days later. Somewhere in there, Spider-Man big-timed. X Men: Disassembled is coming for us and the mutants are going to have to prove that they can disassemble better than the Avengers.

This will be an uphill battle for the X Men. For one thing, they don’t assemble so I think they’ll have to call it X Men: Disuncannied. I hope Bendis just makes X Men: Disuncannied Pixie’s fault so we can get rid of her.

Projected Winner: Bendis gets five more years of glory when The Hood relocates The Hand to San Francisco.

Johnny Guitar and Dr. Sax

Not even fighting anyone. I just want them around more.

Projected Winner: Everyone that buys The Adventures of Kid Gladiator Featuring Johnny Guitar and Dr. Sax #1, the MAJOR new ongoing series spinning out of the pages of AvX written by Dan Slott and Jason Aaron with art by Stuart Immonen!  Special back up story: BROO MEETS PRESIDENT OBAMA!

Joe Starr is the host of GEEKSCAPE PRESENTS, our monthly free live comedy show. The next one is April 3 and you can learn all about it HERE.

Geekscape’s Before First Class – What If An Avengers Movie Was Made In The 80s?!?

by Joe Starr

With an announced sequel to X Men: First Class, and the rumors of a rebooted 1960’s Fantastic Four, retro Marvel is officially IN. This has led Geekscape to wonder: what if different Marvel franchises had actually been released in the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s?

Or, maybe you think it’s stupid to cast a Marvel movie in a different decade, justify the lineup, and pitch a plot. Well, that’s why we at Geekscape consider ourselves to be heroes, in a way. We waste our time doing the stupid things the world is afraid to do. Last time, we shook the 90’s to their very core with a 1994 X Men film. Time to step back a decade!

THE 80’S: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

The Pitch: After a battle to take down Ultron results in an absurd amount of collateral damage, the Avengers reluctantly agree to accept government oversight in the form of Henry Gyrich. The Vision attempts to bring stability to the world by taking control of its computer systems, but is being manipulated by Ultron! It’s the Avengers vs. a Vision-Ultron-Skynet! Will the Avengers prevail? Meanwhile, a young Wanda Maximoff is taken in by the team and falls for the android! Can Scarlet Witch use the human power of love to bring Vision to his senses? And when she does, can the song ‘Power of Love’ play? When I think Avengers, I think Huey Lewis. And his news.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

In the 80’s, there was only one man that could sling the shield. The only man that John Connor trusted enough to go back in time and bang his mom: Michael Biehn. He is the unsung action hero badass of the 80’s and also The Rock from the 90’s. I mean the movie The Rock. He wasn’t The Rock, though I can still smell what he was cooking. Come on. Picture him doing that monologue to Ed Harris from The Rock in Cap’s costume and you will get a nerd boner.

Don’t fight it. It’s natural.

IRON MAN

Avengers Assemble? AS YOU WISH. Cary Elwes would have been an awesome Tony Stark back in the day. The wit, the arrogance, and the massive amount of girls wanting to bang him. Plus, most of the Dread Pirate Robert’s lines could probably double as Stark lines, so we save on screenwriters. That way in the spin off we get to see Iron Man challenge the Mandarin to a fight to the pain.

GYRICH

I’m doing my best to justify a Henry Gyrich in every decade I cast a movie in. Charlie Chaplin will end up playing him by the end of this. But before the Dictator gets his shot, the role belongs to John Ritter. Ritter’s been killing it on Three’s Company and it’s time to show his range as a greasy, back stabbing government yes man! This could be his ‘Razor’s Edge!’

THE VISION

I wish there was a guy we could call that does robots good…

SCARLET WITCH

Mia Sara! Too young? No way. It takes a dumb teenage girl to fall deeply in love with a robot, and Mia Sara’s career has been built on poor romantic choices: first Tom Cruise in Legend, and then Ferris Bueller, a husband who no doubt will eventually look into a camera and say ‘who could be faithful on a day like this?’ Mia has a perfect wide eyed spaciness for a young woman struggling with chaos magic. Is it chaos magic? I’m really not sure at this point.  THANKS BENDIS.

Besides, no one complained when two teenage boys fell in love took a shower with Lisa in Weird Science. There’s no room for your double standards in THE AVENGERS.


One more for the road.

ULTRON

Next.

BEAST

Photobucket

Like, Jeff Bridges, man! Change him out of the Tron suit and put some blue fur on the guy. The Beast abides, man. The Beast abides.

HAWKEYE

PhotobucketSomething something winning something something dismissive wank. Charlie is a bad ass, and if you remember Hot Shots Part Deux (AND YOU SHOULD) you will remember that he is also dry and hilarious. He’ll also be perfect as part of our important subplot I just figured out: That Hawkeye hates young cocky scientist Hank Pym for having Janet, and is going to murder him when the hitting starts. And you know the hitting will start.

YELLOWJACKET

PhotobucketAnd when I think of hitting women, I think of Rob Lowe. A dashing scientist, inventor of size changing stuff, and a Duke Silver level saxophone player, Lowe has all the tools needed to play a sleazy piece of shit that needs some redemption. Literally, my favorite person for this role.

I CAN’T DEAL WITH INVENTING ULTRON! JUST LET ME ROCK THE PAIN AWAY!

THE WASP

PhotobucketJanet needs to be someone you really, really want to bang and really, really hate Hank Pym for being able to bang. I’m going with Demi Moore to keep the Brat Pack repping in this summer blockbuster. And it’s not so much that Demi would be an awesome person to hit, but she could sell a backhand super good. Just thinking about it makes me want to kill Rob Lowe.

WONDER MAN

PhotobucketMy understanding of Wonder Man isn’t the best, but based on the pre Secret Invasion Mighty Avengers, he’s a smug hacky actor turned super hero and I think he should be Kurt Russell. Please refer yourself to Jack Burton. Clean yourself up, and then see him in Sky High. And then clean yourself up. What? That Scott Pilgrim chick was in it.

DIRECTOR

Every movie needs a director (Except for the three Transformers films and anything I shoot of myself crying). The insane amount of androids and evil AI points to Ridley Scott for this thing. He’s the obvious choice for this epic, and while my heart says John Carpenter, my mind is keeping it Ridley.

Next time: It’s Warren Ellis’ Thunderbolts… 70’s grindhouse style!

Wondercon 2012: The Marvel Animation Panel!

by Joe Starr

This year at Wondercon’s Marvel TV Panel, Jeph Loeb brought the goods.

Among the announcements, the Marvel Universe block will debut on Disney XD on Sunday, April 1st.

The block will kick off with the premiere of Ultimate Spider-Man and the season 2 premiere of Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, as well as a number of different extras, including Joe Q art classes, Fury Files on different Marvel characters, and Marvel Mash Up Shorts.

Marvel Mash Up shorts are re-dubbed clips of Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends written by the creators of Harvey Birdman and Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. Several were shown, and were very funny. The highlight had to be Red Skull arguing with his henchmen about who broke their new flat-screen television.

Eventually, the Marvel Universe Block will expand with the help of the newly announced Marvel Animation Studio, headed by Eric Radomski (Batman: The Animated Series, Spawn).

Currently in development at M.A.S. (or ‘mas marvel’ as Loeb called it) is the action epic Hulk and the Agents of SMASH. Test animation featured Hulk, She Hulk, Rulk, Skaar, and a Hulky Rick Jones code named A-Bomb fighting massive tanks spliced with ‘talking heads’ type footage from each character.

Panel attendees were treated with a screening of the Ultimate Spider-Man trailer, written by Paul Dini (Batman: The Animated Series). The pilot revolves around Spider-Man weighing an offer to receive SHIELD training from Nick Fury with plenty of plotting by Norman Osbourne, who wants Spider-Man’s DNA to sell spider soldiers to the military.

The show moved quickly, and told Spidey’s origins in flashbacks as the information was required. It contained plenty of “cut-to humor” and voice over, feeling like a mix of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and Avatar: The Last Airbender with Marvel characters. JK Simmons voices J. Jonah, and Clark Greg will be playing Agent Coulsen. Stan Lee rounds out the supporting cast as Stan the Janitor.

After the pilot, Loeb wasn’t done. We also got a Season 2 sizzle reel of Earth’s Mightiest Avengers, as well as the Season 2 premiere! I won’t spoil anything here, but here are some keywords: Kang! Kree! Skrull! Baxter Buildings! Poker games! DOOM!

The status quo has long been that DC rules animation while Marvel owns the big screen, but with guys like Paul Dini at the wheel, and from what we saw at the panel, Marvel looks to be stepping up their game in a big way.

Young Justice Will Bring ‘Legacy’ To Your Gaming Console!

by Joe Starr

DC Animation always knocks it out of the park, so this could be a winner… an upcoming multi-console video game based on the Young Justice cartoon series.

Here’s the official press release:

Fan Favorite DC Comics Franchise/Animated Television series From Warner Bros. Animation Set to Make Videogame Debut in a Multiplayer Action RPG

Little Orbit, a worldwide game publisher, announced today that it has entered into a licensing agreement with Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment for the Young Justice: Legacy video game set to ship in early 2013 for PlayStation®3 computer entertainment system, the Xbox 360® video game and entertainment system from Microsoft, Nintendo’s Wii(TM) system, and the Nintendo DS(TM) hand held system.

New episodes of the Warner Bros. Animation series Young Justice will air beginning Saturday, March 3, at 10:30 a.m. ET/PT on Cartoon Network as part of DC Nation, the network’s brand-new one-hour block of exclusive kids’ television programming and shorts based on DC Comics characters.

In Young Justice, teenage heroes Robin, Aqualad, Kid Flash, Superboy, Miss Martian and Artemis are tasked by theJustice League to act as their covert operations team. Armed with superior skills, weaponry and powers, the team must do battle against a wide array of villains from the DC Universe while trying to prove to themselves, and to their superhero mentors, that they too have what it takes to be a hero. Their journey is further complicated when they face the many unpredictable obstacles that arise in their path from inexperience and youth.

In Young Justice: Legacy fans can look forward to an original storyline set in between Seasons 1 and 2 of the television series, written in collaboration with show writers Greg Weisman and Brandon Vietti.  The game is packed with fan favorite playable characters, cameo appearances by popular Justice League heroes and villains, and includes online multiplayer as well as local multiplayer modes.

“The TV series is a fantastic combination of compelling writing, witty humor, iconic art, and exciting action sequences. The creators have done an amazing job blending over 180 DC Comics characters into their show filtered through a new, youthful perspective,” said Matt Scott, CEO of Little Orbit. “The new video game contains a slew of cool features and a large playable cast of familiar heroes, but our core mission is to create a unique experience that fits seamlessly into the world of the show and offers a new way to interact with these popular DC Comics characters.”

For more info, check out the game’s official website:
http://www.youngjusticelegacy.com