Tag: qarth

Game of Thrones Post Game: A Man Without Honor

by Joe Starr

We’ve come to it: The first episode of Game of Thrones that I didn’t really enjoy. About half of it ran like a collection of deleted scenes that would have been cut for running time. But still I carry on- for I, who can be followed @joestarr187, am the man that must write the jokes! TO THE MAP!

BEYOND THE WALL!

I’ll say this: ‘A Man Without Honor’ was boring as hell until Ygritte finally said her catch phrase, and then the episode literally took off running. I’m not even sure where to start. Jon and Ygritte woke up. She made a boner joke. Then they walked around for a while. Then we watched scenes with other characters that accomplished nothing. Then Jon and Ygritte walked around some more. Ygritte said ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow,’ and the heavens opened up, and light cascaded down onto the nerdy indoor kids that devour these books. Meaning me. Then we watched scenes with other characters that were much better than pre ‘know nothing Jon Snow’ scenes. And then Ygritte got away and led Jon right into a rebel encampment. Those uniforms look familiar… Are they on Hoth? If they’re on Hoth, then if Jon finally bangs Ygritte he had better say ‘and I thought they smelled bad…on the outside!’ At least we’ll know that he’ll shoot first.

Burn.

WINTERFELL!

Really? You’re going to open the show with Theon and his gross rape whistle nipples? Fun fact: Girls that think Theon is hot are to dorkdom what girls that were like ‘grrl don’t u judge Chris Brown u don’t know him’ are to hip hop.

Anyway, Theon isn’t happy about the Stark kids escaping. I’ll give him this: the reaction on his face when one of his guys laments that ‘the giant must have taken them’ was pretty priceless. But seriously, fuck this guy for terrorizing Winterfell and its twelve residents.

Meanwhile, Bran and Rickon are making their escape with Hodor and Tonks from Harry Potter. Honestly, I can’t remember her name right now and I’m too mad at her to look her up.

Why U a hater Joe Starr?

I’m a hater because there are supposed to be two awesome kids named Jojen and Meera Reed helping the gang escape and teaching Bran about his weird dreams, but it looks like they’re rolling the characters into Osha. I totally get that there are already too many characters and sometimes for an adaptation, people have to go and that Game has done a remarkable job juggling its massive supporting cast but, well, this one got me a little butt hurt, ok?

Just a little butt hurt.

Oh and Theon comes back to Winterfell with two burned up little boys. Are they Bran and Rickon? Would HBO have really passed up the opportunity to burn two young main characters alive on screen?

THE ROBB ZONE

Robb meets with Redshirt Lannister, who informs him that Cersai isn’t all that impressed by his being the King of the North. Robb rewards him by putting him in a cell with Jaime Lannister. AND WHAT A REWARD IT IS. Wait for it.

Lady Nurse drops in and lets Robb know she needs supplies to treat the wounded and suggests that the Westerlings of the Crag, whose surrender Robb is leaving to oversee will have them. Robb suggests she just come with him and get the supplies herself, which she doesn’t seem crazy thrilled about. Or does she? Is she someone important? SPOILER ALERT: She stole the dragons!

Redshirt Lannister might as well be a 14 year old girl/46 year old creepy dude in a cell with Justin Beiber. He is gushing to be in a cell with Jaime Lannister. We haven’t seen much of Jaime, so he’s back with a vengeance: The two have an awesome scene about how Redshirt once squired for Jaime and Jaime squired for Barristan Selmy and how amazing it was. And then Jaime beats him to death so that a guard opens the cell. And then Jaime chokes out the guard and bails. This is why I’m assuming there are more than 20 variations of a ‘Fuck Yeah Jaime Lannister’ tumblr. The Kingslayer deserves every animated gif the world makes him.

He’s not out for long, however. He gets dragged back and the camp is pissed. And Catelyn Stark needs him alive to trade him out for her daughters. So her and Brienne are gonna do something real dumb. Like, really dumb.

That scene with Jaime and Redshirt was so good though. Thank god Ygritte said her catchphrase or the whole episode could have been Daenerys making frumpy faces. And speaking of frumpy faces…

QARTH

Dragons are still gone. Daenerys yells at some people. She has a repeat of last week’s chat with Jorah Mormont. That weird blanket face lady is back and she’s sort of stupid. The Warlocks have the dragons and kill the Thirteen. Xaro Ducksauce reveals himself to be The Outsiders’ third man and crowns himself the King of Qarth, brother.

“You know something, Mean Gene…these dragons can stick it, dude”

Qarth is stupid in the books, too. We can’t get out of here fast enough.

KING LANDING

Oh shit, Sansa is bleeding out her vag! Now Joffrey gets to hit her with props have kids with her! Shae tries to help her hide it but then The Hound finds all that blood on the sheets! It’s like a Judy Bloom novel: ‘Are you there God? It’s Me Sansa and This Guy With a Burned Face Knows I Had My First Period.’

But don’t worry! It’s…Cersei to the rescue? Cersei was weirdly nice to everyone in this episode. I’m getting scared that the next one is just going to with a ‘Cersei slits all the throats’ montage. She has a quiet scene with Sansa where she tells her that love is a weakness she should only give to her children, and then an even touchinger scene with Tyrion of all people. But would it have killed them to give us a hard cut to of Bronn making a funny reaction face at the end?

HARRENHAL

I can’t say enough good things about Tywin and Arya. The whole show could be about them with ravens flying in every now and then to give updates on the other 106 characters and I’d be ok with it. Every now and then Tyrion and Bronn could stop in because they’re staying in the guest house. It’ll be like a Neil Simon play. Except good.

Overall, this was a rough episode. It meandered and dragged and a few killer scenes and performances carried it across the finish line. You know, like the Dark Knight. Oh really? It’s a perfect movie? What was your favorite scene that didn’t have a Heath in it?

The boatz wuz so dramatic!

Man. I’m really negative today. See what happens when you take away my Reeds? I turn into a little bitch. A little Reedless bitch.

 

Thrones Post Game: The Old Gods and the New

by Joe Starr

True story: I had a lot of margarita in me during last night’s Game of Thrones. Have you followed me on Twitter yet @joestarr187? Would you like to jump to the map?

WINTERFELL!

 Ugh. Theon.

The drug dealer from your high school that banged all of the girls you had a thing for has conquered Winterfell in the lamest way possible: with TRICKERY AND SKULLDUGGERY. He made a feint in a nearby town, and Winterfell sent the best of what was left to meet the threat. Theon’s crew snuck in and planted a flag. It’s honestly a pretty brilliant storytelling move. Theon is the lamest and worst, and Winterfell is the coolest and best. From the beginning of the series, Winterfell has been a completely safe, powerful beacon of hope in the North. It’s the home of the Starks, and if you aren’t a Stark in this show you’ve probably killed a baby or punched a whore to death. So it’s infuriating that Winterfell is conquered in the lamest way possible by the lamest guy on the show: Theon Sisterfingers, First of His Name. In just one scene, Theon goes from a bathroom break character to a guy that I would pay extra to see stabbed to death.

“WHATCHA GONNA DO, GREYJOY… WHEN WINTER RUNS WILD ON YOU?!”

Despite his promises to Bran that no one will be hurt, Ser Rodrik is captured by the Iron Islanders and spits on Theon. And then he gets beheaded. Actually, beheaded is too nice of a word for it. If it takes more than 8 strokes, it’s more of a cranial mangling.

Osha the Wildling hits Theon’s weakness: doing it with chicks. Later, after he’s passed out dreaming of selling bad ecstasy to middle school ravers, she sneaks Bran, Rickon, Hodor, and their wolves out of the castle.

They paid the iron price for those pacifiers.

Time for Osha and the Little Starks Adventure Time! It’s the best Fellowship ever! “You’ll have my crazy eyes.” “And my wolf!” “Also my crazy wolf!” “HODOR.”

ROBB ZONE!

Somewhere in between Walder Frey’s castle and King’s Landing…IT’S THE ROBB ZONE!

The King of the North spots Talisa the Nurse taking her 15 minute break. And now we know she’s not a real nurse because she’s be smoking and drinking coffee out of a paper cup. Robb calls her out on being Of Noble Birth (new band name) and she doesn’t deny it, but she doesn’t tell him who she really is, either. I feel better about her now, because I’m pretty sure she’s a character from the book being introduced in a fun different way. There’s actually A LOT of stuff in this episode that isn’t in the book, and I’ve really loved all of it. Anyway, Catelyn Stark shows up and Robb’s like ‘hey mom, this is Talisa’ and Catelyn’s like ‘mind your breeches tent, you’re engaged already.’ Not mentioned: The giant woman in armor Catelyn has brought back with her.

“Damn! Who is THAT bitch?”

And then they get a raven from Winterfell. So that sucks. Has a raven delivered good news yet? Upon learning that Winterfell has been conquered by his former friend and former extra from the movie Go, Robb is ready to march back North. However, Roose Bolton convinces him to stay in the field and let his son handle retaking the castle. Robb agrees, but wants Theon alive. Because he’s out of weed.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Qhorin Halfhand, Jon Snow, and a few redshirts take out a wildling watchpost. Jon takes a wildling named Ygritte prisoner because ‘they can interrogate her.’ But we all know what’s really going on here: Jon has fan questions about what it was like on the set of Downton Abbey. She escapes and Jon pursues, getting separated from the group. He recaptures Ygritte as night falls, and they’re forced to sleep together for warmth. Ygritte doesn’t see anything wrong with a little bit of bump and grind. Jon Snow is an abstinent virgin. This is going to get wacky.

KING’S LANDING!

Myrcella is sent off to Dorne, and the King’s escort is caught in an unruly and angry crowd. Someone throws a poop at King Joffrey and he demands that the crowd be executed. This is not a good decision. The crowd riots and the High Septon gets ripped apart. Literally. Everyone goes Romero and his arms get pulled off. Tyrion does his best to handle the situation and get everyone out safely. He also smacks the hell out of Joffrey. Very satisfying. Sansa Stark is rescued from a group of would be rapers by THE HOUND, who totally has his ‘t-rex shows up just in time to eat these raptors’ moment. He roars and a ‘Game of Thrones’ banner flutters down in front of him. Have you ever seen Star Kid, that super hero movie that Tim from Jurassic Park did? You should see it.

What if Bran got this suit? OMG FANFIC

HARRENHALL!

So, this Tywin/Arya stuff isn’t in the book. Arya serves as the cupbearer to some random dude and Tywin never even shows up at Harrenhall. And who cares? Not me- the Tywin/Arya angle is my favorite part of the show. “What got your father killed, girl?” “Loyalty.” GOLD.

Littlefinger shows up and you just know that he recognized Arya but didn’t play his cards cuz that’s not how a True Boss does. However, Arya is caught stealing information about troop movements by a member of Tywin’s war council and has to play her second Jaqen card. Arya insists that the deed has to be done NOW. The knight knocks at Tywin’s door and falls forward dead with a dart in his neck. I wish Arya had saved 86 people because I could watch a ‘Arya tells Jaqen to kill someone and he is charming in that weird way he talks and then kills them’ scene every week for the rest of the series.

QARTH!

Ok, I’m starting to think that Dani is going to make a bad queen. So far her strategy is to demand things from people and then make a shaky passionate speech at them when they turn her down. And the speech always just makes them turn her down more. You’re the Daughter of Dragons. We’ve got it. You’re also getting sort of annoying. Oots, someone stole your dragons. Oh, are you going to do a speech? Is it going to sound like this?

“By the Blood of my Blood I will have my children returned. Into the fire I walked and returned as the Unburnt: The Mother of Dragons. Whoever has taken my children has taken the blind fury of the last Targaryen’s rage and it will drown them. I will retake my children in fire and blood and burn those who would deny me what’s mine. Also Khal Drogo.”

It’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?

MIC DROP

Thrones Post Game: Garden of Bones

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! Crazy, right? FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

Episode four, people! Last night we all got on my buddy Bob’s giant ass couch that he calls the teddy bear picnic to watch Game of Thrones and ARE THOSE NEW LOCATIONS IN THE OPENING CREDITS CAN ANYONE SEE MY PANTS TENT? To the map!

A Battlefield!

Two guards are just dropping lasers on Renly Baratheon being gay when Grey Wind murders one of them mid piss. Then a bunch of dudes shout ‘King of the North!’ and Robb and company makes their charge. ‘Mid piss ambush’ seems to be Robb’s version of a Zergling rush, and you’d think at this point the Lannisters would change some rules on guarding, peeing, and fence building for their camps. Important note: the guards referred to the soldiers of each house as ‘lions’ and ‘wolves’ for the first time I’ve noticed it in the series and it pleased me. It pleased me greatly, ser.

By morning, the Northmen have mopped everyone up and Robb has a very flirty conversation with a hot nurse. I remember how badly I wanted to bang my wife the first time I watched her saw a screaming man’s foot off, too. Her name is Talissa and Robb is clearly smitten as she rides off into the sunset and I make a fart face because she’s not in the books.

Was the made up hooker not enough?

Camp Renly! 

Kid Gladiator AKA Lil Fingerz AKA Petyr B arrives at Camp Renly and gets a little sucking up done with the King of the Beards. I’ve decided that each king is the King of Something. Robb is the King of the North. Renly is the King of the Beards. Joffrey is the King of the Fucking Crazy People and Stannis is King of the Cold, Distant Step Dads that Will Never Love You, Not Like Your Real Dad Did.

Petyr drops by to see Cat Stark, who is not thrilled to see him. He argues that he did his best to support Ned and also offers terms: Sansa and Arya for the Kingslayer. He leaves out the part where no one knows where Arya is. And then he drops Ned Stark’s bones off and peaces out like his name was Pimpfingerz AKA King of the Tidy Mustaches.

And then he saddles up to Margie Tyrell who stays clothed for their conversation. Petyr suggests that her marriage to Renly is a little odd, since he’s currently balls deep in her brother three tents back. Tyrell shrugs him off. Remember, she’s played by Natalie Dormer, and in the paper rock scissor world of Game of Thrones, Dormer beats Littlefinger, Littlefinger beats Melisandre, and Melisandre shits shadow babies on Dormer. And I think that Arya is lava.

Renly and Stannis have a parlay. The Red Lady suggests Renly look to his sins and Stannis promises that his brother will die if he doesn’t drop his claim to the throne. I love Stannis. He’s not good, and he’s not bad- he’s just technically right about the succession and is the most stubborn, cold person in the world.

Qarth!

Thank the Seven that one of Dani’s outriders found a city, because I was getting tired of them sitting there dying every episode. Stormborn, the Blood of the Dragon, the Unburnt and Chapped of Lip gathers her little brood and head for the merchant city of Quarth Qarth. She meets the Thirteen. They are the 13 richest merchants that run Qarth. So Qarth is run like the United States, AMIRIGHT? Occupy! Yes we can!

Dani refuses to show these guys her dragons, so they plan on leaving her outside the gates to starve and die, until one of the 13, Xaro Xhoan Daxos (thaaaaaaaaaaat’s my name tooooooooooo) accepts responsibility for the group and lets them in as his guests. And then he passes Dani a chapstick.

PUT THIS ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW KHALEESI OK THANK YOU

King’s Landing!

Everything that happened on King’s Landing in this episode was incredibly pleasant and very similar to an episode of Friendship is Magic.

Ugh. Joffrey has discovered a love of crossbows. He is a big fan of pointing them at a crying Sansa while the court looks on. He can’t kill her, so he decides to have her beaten and stripped. Tyrion storms in pissed and saves the day, and we discover that while Joffrey is crazy, he’s still not bold enough to speak up to his uncle. So that’s a good thing. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Also, in this week’s episode of Lancel LOLZ, Lancel tries to act all bad ass with Tyrion and the Imp terrifies him into being a loyal spy. Oh, Lancel.

Tyrion wonders if maybe Joffrey is crazy because he really needs to get laid. All men watching the show kind of nod and agree with this assessment and Tyrion buys the king some whores.

And then the king has one of the whores beat the hell out of the other while he watches. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Harrenhal!

Let’s pause and talk about how amazing this series is. When I read the books, I have to admit that aside from King’s Landing and Winterfell, I pretty much picture every castle as the same pile of rocks with different banners. When I read about Harrenhal, it’s the same but in a minor state of disrepair.

Holy shit, production team! Harrenhal is TERRIFYING. Usually the adaptation of a book leaves you rolling your eyes at the sparseness of the meal the adaptation hands you. So far, Game of Thrones has fed us and wrapped up leftovers. I can’t remember the last time an adaptation actually enhanced the book for me.

Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie find themselves as guests in Harrenhal, where everyone gets tortured and killed. Arya has started her prayer of people she’d like to murder to get herself to sleep. Gendry is saved from torture when Tywin Lannister arrives, and is less than thrilled that possibly good laborers are being killed, setting the group free and putting them to work. He chooses Arya to be his new cup bearer and then demands to know the location of the Ajanti Dagger.

“My brother Noompsi has forgiven me!” 

The dark and full of terrors night!

Stannis has this conversation with Davos:

Stannis: Do you miss being a smuggler?

Davos: Nope. Pretty happy with my new life. I’ve cleaned up my act, now I’m a knight, and my wife and sons have the opportunities that they never would have had if I was still skulking into caves at night stealing things and helping assassins sneak into camps.

Stannis: I need you to go skulk into a cave tonight and help an assassin sneak into Renly’s camp.

Davos: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

The assassin turns out to be the Red Lady herself, Melisandre. They banter a bit in their canoe, and we learn that Carice van Houten was cast as Mel because she gives both boners and the creeps when she talks. It’s tougher than you think and she deserves a Golden Globe.

The two discover that the passage to the camp has been barred. That’s when Melisandre drops her robe, shows off a sudden super pregnant belly, and gives birth to a shadow baby while poor Davos shits his pants.

And THAT’S how you do a cliffhanger!

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

I am assuming that Talissa the Sassy Nurse is actually Jeyne Westerling and they’re trying to beef up Robb’s want to marry her over a Frey. Which I’m totally fine with, and it makes Jeyne a much cooler character.

Everyone keeps telling me that the shadow killing Renly and Davos seeing Mel crap a shadow baby happen in two different scenes but this is actually the way I remember it from the books so WELL DONE, TV SHOW.

So excited about Jaqen H’Ghar. Arya’s evolution into a murder machine is going to be so much fun to watch. I’m hoping that the series ends with her holding Bella Swan’s head by the hair and screaming ‘Valar Morghulis.’

Also, I am so excited to see Joffrey fucking die. It’ll be pretty damn satisfying.