Tag: sansa

Game of Thrones Post Game: A Man Without Honor

by Joe Starr

We’ve come to it: The first episode of Game of Thrones that I didn’t really enjoy. About half of it ran like a collection of deleted scenes that would have been cut for running time. But still I carry on- for I, who can be followed @joestarr187, am the man that must write the jokes! TO THE MAP!

BEYOND THE WALL!

I’ll say this: ‘A Man Without Honor’ was boring as hell until Ygritte finally said her catch phrase, and then the episode literally took off running. I’m not even sure where to start. Jon and Ygritte woke up. She made a boner joke. Then they walked around for a while. Then we watched scenes with other characters that accomplished nothing. Then Jon and Ygritte walked around some more. Ygritte said ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow,’ and the heavens opened up, and light cascaded down onto the nerdy indoor kids that devour these books. Meaning me. Then we watched scenes with other characters that were much better than pre ‘know nothing Jon Snow’ scenes. And then Ygritte got away and led Jon right into a rebel encampment. Those uniforms look familiar… Are they on Hoth? If they’re on Hoth, then if Jon finally bangs Ygritte he had better say ‘and I thought they smelled bad…on the outside!’ At least we’ll know that he’ll shoot first.

Burn.

WINTERFELL!

Really? You’re going to open the show with Theon and his gross rape whistle nipples? Fun fact: Girls that think Theon is hot are to dorkdom what girls that were like ‘grrl don’t u judge Chris Brown u don’t know him’ are to hip hop.

Anyway, Theon isn’t happy about the Stark kids escaping. I’ll give him this: the reaction on his face when one of his guys laments that ‘the giant must have taken them’ was pretty priceless. But seriously, fuck this guy for terrorizing Winterfell and its twelve residents.

Meanwhile, Bran and Rickon are making their escape with Hodor and Tonks from Harry Potter. Honestly, I can’t remember her name right now and I’m too mad at her to look her up.

Why U a hater Joe Starr?

I’m a hater because there are supposed to be two awesome kids named Jojen and Meera Reed helping the gang escape and teaching Bran about his weird dreams, but it looks like they’re rolling the characters into Osha. I totally get that there are already too many characters and sometimes for an adaptation, people have to go and that Game has done a remarkable job juggling its massive supporting cast but, well, this one got me a little butt hurt, ok?

Just a little butt hurt.

Oh and Theon comes back to Winterfell with two burned up little boys. Are they Bran and Rickon? Would HBO have really passed up the opportunity to burn two young main characters alive on screen?

THE ROBB ZONE

Robb meets with Redshirt Lannister, who informs him that Cersai isn’t all that impressed by his being the King of the North. Robb rewards him by putting him in a cell with Jaime Lannister. AND WHAT A REWARD IT IS. Wait for it.

Lady Nurse drops in and lets Robb know she needs supplies to treat the wounded and suggests that the Westerlings of the Crag, whose surrender Robb is leaving to oversee will have them. Robb suggests she just come with him and get the supplies herself, which she doesn’t seem crazy thrilled about. Or does she? Is she someone important? SPOILER ALERT: She stole the dragons!

Redshirt Lannister might as well be a 14 year old girl/46 year old creepy dude in a cell with Justin Beiber. He is gushing to be in a cell with Jaime Lannister. We haven’t seen much of Jaime, so he’s back with a vengeance: The two have an awesome scene about how Redshirt once squired for Jaime and Jaime squired for Barristan Selmy and how amazing it was. And then Jaime beats him to death so that a guard opens the cell. And then Jaime chokes out the guard and bails. This is why I’m assuming there are more than 20 variations of a ‘Fuck Yeah Jaime Lannister’ tumblr. The Kingslayer deserves every animated gif the world makes him.

He’s not out for long, however. He gets dragged back and the camp is pissed. And Catelyn Stark needs him alive to trade him out for her daughters. So her and Brienne are gonna do something real dumb. Like, really dumb.

That scene with Jaime and Redshirt was so good though. Thank god Ygritte said her catchphrase or the whole episode could have been Daenerys making frumpy faces. And speaking of frumpy faces…

QARTH

Dragons are still gone. Daenerys yells at some people. She has a repeat of last week’s chat with Jorah Mormont. That weird blanket face lady is back and she’s sort of stupid. The Warlocks have the dragons and kill the Thirteen. Xaro Ducksauce reveals himself to be The Outsiders’ third man and crowns himself the King of Qarth, brother.

“You know something, Mean Gene…these dragons can stick it, dude”

Qarth is stupid in the books, too. We can’t get out of here fast enough.

KING LANDING

Oh shit, Sansa is bleeding out her vag! Now Joffrey gets to hit her with props have kids with her! Shae tries to help her hide it but then The Hound finds all that blood on the sheets! It’s like a Judy Bloom novel: ‘Are you there God? It’s Me Sansa and This Guy With a Burned Face Knows I Had My First Period.’

But don’t worry! It’s…Cersei to the rescue? Cersei was weirdly nice to everyone in this episode. I’m getting scared that the next one is just going to with a ‘Cersei slits all the throats’ montage. She has a quiet scene with Sansa where she tells her that love is a weakness she should only give to her children, and then an even touchinger scene with Tyrion of all people. But would it have killed them to give us a hard cut to of Bronn making a funny reaction face at the end?

HARRENHAL

I can’t say enough good things about Tywin and Arya. The whole show could be about them with ravens flying in every now and then to give updates on the other 106 characters and I’d be ok with it. Every now and then Tyrion and Bronn could stop in because they’re staying in the guest house. It’ll be like a Neil Simon play. Except good.

Overall, this was a rough episode. It meandered and dragged and a few killer scenes and performances carried it across the finish line. You know, like the Dark Knight. Oh really? It’s a perfect movie? What was your favorite scene that didn’t have a Heath in it?

The boatz wuz so dramatic!

Man. I’m really negative today. See what happens when you take away my Reeds? I turn into a little bitch. A little Reedless bitch.

 

Thrones Post Game: Garden of Bones

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! Crazy, right? FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

Episode four, people! Last night we all got on my buddy Bob’s giant ass couch that he calls the teddy bear picnic to watch Game of Thrones and ARE THOSE NEW LOCATIONS IN THE OPENING CREDITS CAN ANYONE SEE MY PANTS TENT? To the map!

A Battlefield!

Two guards are just dropping lasers on Renly Baratheon being gay when Grey Wind murders one of them mid piss. Then a bunch of dudes shout ‘King of the North!’ and Robb and company makes their charge. ‘Mid piss ambush’ seems to be Robb’s version of a Zergling rush, and you’d think at this point the Lannisters would change some rules on guarding, peeing, and fence building for their camps. Important note: the guards referred to the soldiers of each house as ‘lions’ and ‘wolves’ for the first time I’ve noticed it in the series and it pleased me. It pleased me greatly, ser.

By morning, the Northmen have mopped everyone up and Robb has a very flirty conversation with a hot nurse. I remember how badly I wanted to bang my wife the first time I watched her saw a screaming man’s foot off, too. Her name is Talissa and Robb is clearly smitten as she rides off into the sunset and I make a fart face because she’s not in the books.

Was the made up hooker not enough?

Camp Renly! 

Kid Gladiator AKA Lil Fingerz AKA Petyr B arrives at Camp Renly and gets a little sucking up done with the King of the Beards. I’ve decided that each king is the King of Something. Robb is the King of the North. Renly is the King of the Beards. Joffrey is the King of the Fucking Crazy People and Stannis is King of the Cold, Distant Step Dads that Will Never Love You, Not Like Your Real Dad Did.

Petyr drops by to see Cat Stark, who is not thrilled to see him. He argues that he did his best to support Ned and also offers terms: Sansa and Arya for the Kingslayer. He leaves out the part where no one knows where Arya is. And then he drops Ned Stark’s bones off and peaces out like his name was Pimpfingerz AKA King of the Tidy Mustaches.

And then he saddles up to Margie Tyrell who stays clothed for their conversation. Petyr suggests that her marriage to Renly is a little odd, since he’s currently balls deep in her brother three tents back. Tyrell shrugs him off. Remember, she’s played by Natalie Dormer, and in the paper rock scissor world of Game of Thrones, Dormer beats Littlefinger, Littlefinger beats Melisandre, and Melisandre shits shadow babies on Dormer. And I think that Arya is lava.

Renly and Stannis have a parlay. The Red Lady suggests Renly look to his sins and Stannis promises that his brother will die if he doesn’t drop his claim to the throne. I love Stannis. He’s not good, and he’s not bad- he’s just technically right about the succession and is the most stubborn, cold person in the world.

Qarth!

Thank the Seven that one of Dani’s outriders found a city, because I was getting tired of them sitting there dying every episode. Stormborn, the Blood of the Dragon, the Unburnt and Chapped of Lip gathers her little brood and head for the merchant city of Quarth Qarth. She meets the Thirteen. They are the 13 richest merchants that run Qarth. So Qarth is run like the United States, AMIRIGHT? Occupy! Yes we can!

Dani refuses to show these guys her dragons, so they plan on leaving her outside the gates to starve and die, until one of the 13, Xaro Xhoan Daxos (thaaaaaaaaaaat’s my name tooooooooooo) accepts responsibility for the group and lets them in as his guests. And then he passes Dani a chapstick.

PUT THIS ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW KHALEESI OK THANK YOU

King’s Landing!

Everything that happened on King’s Landing in this episode was incredibly pleasant and very similar to an episode of Friendship is Magic.

Ugh. Joffrey has discovered a love of crossbows. He is a big fan of pointing them at a crying Sansa while the court looks on. He can’t kill her, so he decides to have her beaten and stripped. Tyrion storms in pissed and saves the day, and we discover that while Joffrey is crazy, he’s still not bold enough to speak up to his uncle. So that’s a good thing. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Also, in this week’s episode of Lancel LOLZ, Lancel tries to act all bad ass with Tyrion and the Imp terrifies him into being a loyal spy. Oh, Lancel.

Tyrion wonders if maybe Joffrey is crazy because he really needs to get laid. All men watching the show kind of nod and agree with this assessment and Tyrion buys the king some whores.

And then the king has one of the whores beat the hell out of the other while he watches. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Harrenhal!

Let’s pause and talk about how amazing this series is. When I read the books, I have to admit that aside from King’s Landing and Winterfell, I pretty much picture every castle as the same pile of rocks with different banners. When I read about Harrenhal, it’s the same but in a minor state of disrepair.

Holy shit, production team! Harrenhal is TERRIFYING. Usually the adaptation of a book leaves you rolling your eyes at the sparseness of the meal the adaptation hands you. So far, Game of Thrones has fed us and wrapped up leftovers. I can’t remember the last time an adaptation actually enhanced the book for me.

Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie find themselves as guests in Harrenhal, where everyone gets tortured and killed. Arya has started her prayer of people she’d like to murder to get herself to sleep. Gendry is saved from torture when Tywin Lannister arrives, and is less than thrilled that possibly good laborers are being killed, setting the group free and putting them to work. He chooses Arya to be his new cup bearer and then demands to know the location of the Ajanti Dagger.

“My brother Noompsi has forgiven me!” 

The dark and full of terrors night!

Stannis has this conversation with Davos:

Stannis: Do you miss being a smuggler?

Davos: Nope. Pretty happy with my new life. I’ve cleaned up my act, now I’m a knight, and my wife and sons have the opportunities that they never would have had if I was still skulking into caves at night stealing things and helping assassins sneak into camps.

Stannis: I need you to go skulk into a cave tonight and help an assassin sneak into Renly’s camp.

Davos: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

The assassin turns out to be the Red Lady herself, Melisandre. They banter a bit in their canoe, and we learn that Carice van Houten was cast as Mel because she gives both boners and the creeps when she talks. It’s tougher than you think and she deserves a Golden Globe.

The two discover that the passage to the camp has been barred. That’s when Melisandre drops her robe, shows off a sudden super pregnant belly, and gives birth to a shadow baby while poor Davos shits his pants.

And THAT’S how you do a cliffhanger!

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

I am assuming that Talissa the Sassy Nurse is actually Jeyne Westerling and they’re trying to beef up Robb’s want to marry her over a Frey. Which I’m totally fine with, and it makes Jeyne a much cooler character.

Everyone keeps telling me that the shadow killing Renly and Davos seeing Mel crap a shadow baby happen in two different scenes but this is actually the way I remember it from the books so WELL DONE, TV SHOW.

So excited about Jaqen H’Ghar. Arya’s evolution into a murder machine is going to be so much fun to watch. I’m hoping that the series ends with her holding Bella Swan’s head by the hair and screaming ‘Valar Morghulis.’

Also, I am so excited to see Joffrey fucking die. It’ll be pretty damn satisfying.

Thrones Post Game: What Is Dead May Never Die

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

We’re three episodes in to Season 2 of Game of Thrones and things are beginning to pick up in dear Westeros! While the first two episodes had to dedicate most of their time to catching the audience up on WHERE EVERYONE IS, ‘What Is Dead May Never Die’ kicked things into gear and got us crazy close to hitting 55 miles per hour. Let’s take a look at the map!

King’s Landing!

Tyrion began playing his Game of Hands against the King’s Small Council by telling variations of the same plan to Pycelle, Littlefinger, and Varys to find out who would rat to the queen first. The queen confronts Tyrion with the Pycelle version of the story with a fantastic show of rage between Cersei and Tyrion that will hopefully not be their last, and Pycelle gets the classic ‘in bed with a whore one moment, being dragged out by barbarians, a dwarf, and Bronn the next’ treatment. Man. College, right?

IMPORTANT OPINION YOU WILL FIND NO WHERE ELSE ON THE INTERNET: Tyrion is a fantastic character. He’s not a good guy, but he recognizes that his family can’t stay on top constantly being the douche bags that they are and is desperately trying to steer them on a decent path. Not that Joffrey is capaple of finding a decent path: if his encounter with Batman at a young age couldn’t do it, how much hope does the Dinklage have?

Katie Holmes should have let him burn.

Littlefinger ain’t happy to be a part of Tyrion’s tricks, but is probably a little happier to be dispatched by the Hand to treat with Catelyn Stark. Did you know that Littlefinger is the Kid Gladiator of Game of Thrones? I DROP TRUTH LIKE BOMBS.

Varys and Tyrion trade riddles in the dark decently lit room in a fantastic scene about the ideas of where power really comes from. It’s nice to see season 2 take the time to dig into the theme instead of constantly being in a hurry to catch you up on what everyone’s doing.

Poor Sansa has a dinner that comes dangerously close to Will Ferrell reminding Cersei that he drives a Dodge Stratus, while Mrycella and Tommen get some screen time in. Moments like the youngest Lannisters getting some character development in make me thank the Seven that Thrones wasn’t made into a series of movies. I’m looking at you, Harry Potter and the Half Assed Supporting Cast.

Did they both die? I can’t even remember. Those movies were terrible.

And in further Sansa developments, Shea is introduced as her new handmaiden. Maybe they’ll make out. Whatever, they’re both stupid.

North of the Wall!

The Night’s Watch is still camped out in Craster’s creepy little keep. Not a whole lot going on here…Sam falls in love with one of Craster’s daughterwives and gives her a thimble before leaving to reattach his shadow. Jon Snow had discovered that Craster offers his baby sons to the White Walkers and that Craster knew that he knows, and after a cryptic chat with Mormont, knows that the Bear knew what he knew already, which is surprising to Jon because he assumed that Mormont didn’t know what Craster knew that Jon had known. Did you know that? …Of course.

Winterfell!

The awesome POV wolf dreams continue! We get to see Summer as a grown direwolf! Also, Hodor! Bran attempts to explain his dreams to Luwin, who gently explains that there is no magic left in the world. It’s like the atheist response to Gandalf’s monologue about heaven in Return of the King. The movie, not the book. In the Lord of the Rings books, if it was long enough to be a monologue, it was a song.

Iron Islands!

Theon continues to be a bitch, especially in the shadow of his father and sister. Remember when he fingerbanged her? That was gross. It looks like he’s not going to hang on to any loyalties to Robb and that the Squids are gonna attack the North. They’re trying to make him sympathetic and conflicted, but remember when he fingerbanged his sister?

En Route to The Wall!

Arya can’t sleep, and Yoren shares a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay: chanting the name of his brother’s killer.

The Gold Cloaks show up for Gendry with backup and Yoren dies because he shared a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay with Arya. Arya frees Jaqen from getting burned alive and tells the Cloaks that the now dead Lommy was Gendry. And then they all get captured.

Also, Arya totally looks like Daniel Radcliffe from Sorcerer’s Stone.

Camp Renly!

Ser Loras is bested in a tournament by the very awesome Brienne of Tarth! Brienne is given a place in King Renly’s Kingsguard, and Renly is given the prize for ‘Best Crown.’ Seriously, it’s an awesome crown. Other things happened at Camp Renly, too. Cat Stark showed up and there was some talk of things and to be honest, I wasn’t paying attention. Natalie Dormer was on camera. She’s playing Margaery Tyrell and she’s Highgarden royalty along with Loras and she’s been married to Renly to combine his forces with Highgarden and then she takes her top off and holy shit, Natalie Dormer.

Something something Renly who cares?

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

Yoren teaching Arya her prayer was a slight deviation from the book, but it game the episode an awesome ‘Captain America’s shield is in Tony’s workshop’ moment that I really loved.

I hate Shae in the books. I also hate her in the show.

Whereas in the books, I start to get bored when we’re not on a Jon Snow or Arya chapter, I’ve started to really favor the Dany stuff in the show.

When does Hagrid find Arya and say ‘yer a member of the assassin’s guild, ‘arry?’

 

 

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ DANCE WITH DRAGONS

They should have named Reek Sisterfingers AMIRIGHT?

It’s a shame Luwin doesn’t live long enough for those Children of the Forest that look like the Mirkwood Elves from the Hobbit cartoon to show up.

Shut up and look at my balls, Bran! LOOK AT THEM!