Tag: natalie dormer

Official Trailer Debut For ‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2’

by Bigyanks

The official trailer for ‘THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY – PART 2′ that premiered to rave reviews at Comic-Con is now available online!

Starring Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks, Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Jeffrey Wright, Willow Shields, Sam Claflin, Jena Malone, Natalie Dormer, with Stanley Tucci, and Donald Sutherland.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 is in theaters November 20th!

Game of Thrones Post Game: Valar Morghulis

by Joe Starr

First off, sorry this is so late. Like, it’s crazy late. First it was two days late and then I had to figure out how to make it worth being two days late. And then I started a new job and had an anniversary. And now it’s a week late. Though, as far as deadlines though, it’s never felt better to have people saying ‘WHERE THE FUCK IS IT’ to me. Glad you guys are enjoying these.

So. The finale.

If last week’s Blackwater was the best sex of your life, then Sunday night’s season finale was being allowed to roll over and fall asleep immediately following that sex. And then waking up and eating a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and having Brandon Cruz from your 8th grade homeroom send you a Facebook message apologizing for all that punching and would you be interesting in a coupon for a free lawn mowing?

He does a good job, by the way.

To the map.

KINGS LANDING!

We actually hung out with the Lannisters longer than I thought we would. Tyrion is basically getting the shit end of the stick from everyone when he should be recognized as a hero. He has a sweet little moment with Shae and we move on to a scene I almost couldn’t handle…

King Joffrey AND Littlefinger? ONE ROOM? It’s like having two Bill Hicks on stage, but less mullets and turtle necks. At least Natalie Dormer isn’t in the room because I’d poop my pants I JUST POOPED MY PANTS.

Margaery is in and Sansa is out. If Joffrey touches my Dormer I will get into that TV like Captain N but with television and not 8-bit games. Littlefinger makes his move to get Sansa out of King’s Landing. For those not paying attention, he’s now the lord of a castle. He just passed go in the Game of Thrones. He’s the man.

Also, Jack Gleeson is so good at his job.

Also also, horse dump.

OH! I knew I was leaving something out of King’s Landing. Varys has a super long scene with the made up for the show hooker who I still don’t see the point in. That was three potential minutes of the Hound pulling people’s guts out that we were completely robbed of.

I’m starting to wonder if George RR Martin got the HBO guys together at the beginning and was like ‘guys. I realize now that I needed this hooker for the story to work. Get her in there. Trust me, it needs to happen. Also, Greedo shot Bronn first.’

THE ROBB ZONE!

 It’s tough to talk season finale and keep it book-spoiler free. But I’ll try:

Robb married the nurse. I kind of expected them to not end their storyline where they did, and I’m wondering if Chaplin’s grand daughter is going to really have anything to do with her counterpart in the book. See, her counterpart in the book has this whole other thing going on that I thought they’d get to in the show until she had the monologue about that one thing and then I was like ‘hrm because that’s pretty different’ because in the book she’s a different person so when they get married everyone is all like ‘you did whaaaaat? nuu uhhh’ but I’m also wondering if the thing in the book and the thing on the show happening differently will even matter in the long run because they both lead to the same result probably.

We also continued the rift between Robb and his mother. They’ve given Robb a nice reason to fly off and marry this girl, aside from the fact of, you know, look at her. He’s also furious at his mother for letting Jaime go, so he’s sort of blaming his arranged marriage on her, too. But does he really need a reason? Show Nurse Chaplin that the extra B in your name stands for Boning Master, King of the North! (note: the extra R in my name stands for ‘Repressed anger and feelings of inadequacy. King of the Therapy!)

Also, Jaime Lannister and Brienne. They run into some Northerners and Brienne just wastes them. I love Brienne. I love that they haven’t made the easy choice of Brienne winking at the camera and shouting I’M A WOMAN before doing something intensely bad ass. It could have easily been the route they went- cheap points for a strong feminist character! But the truth is, Brienne hates being a woman. She’d probably hate being a man. She’s been through hell and she’s been conditioned to hate herself, period.

I love Brienne almost as much as I love Jaime Lannister. I love that anytime someone calls him the Kingslayer, he confronts them with the logic of his choice and all they can do is sputter back ‘yeah, well…Kingslayer!’ and he just has to roll his eyes and say something charming and pretend it doesn’t eat him alive that he’s been cast as the villain.

Is he a villain? I’m mean, he’s not the nicest guy. He pushed Bran out a window and all that. So that was something. But aside from that…tiny bit of attempted child murder, the only thing he’s guilty of is serving his family and being better than everyone. And as Americans know from watching dumb coke addicts like Lindsay Lohan, the only thing we like more than worshipping someone  is eventually dragging them through the mud.

WHAT IS DEAD IS ALWAYS HIGH!

I just realized how much shit I give Theon for the whole sister fingering thing, but I haven’t really said one word about Jaime fathering three kids with Cersei. Maybe because he just does it with so much fucking style.

God damn it. Guys, book 3 is so good. You’re just not ready. It’s the best book in the series by far. It’s going to run through seasons 3 and 4, and I am crazy excited because the whole thing just belongs to Brienne and Jaime. And Jon. And Sam.

DRAGONSTONE!

Stannis is not thrilled about getting jobbed out at King’s Landing. He gets a little joffish with Melisandre and chokes her out. Melisandre shows him a vision in the flames that gets him back on track: He’s not just the rightful king, he’s the Warrior of Light. I sort of want Melisandre to talk less. She’s a scary sorceress that craps shadow assassins. They should use her dialogue sparingly, otherwise she starts to hit Prequel Yoda Syndrome (PYS). See, in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, Yoda is awesome. He drops little backwards speak bombs and they make a huge impression. But in the prequels, they start having him deliver whole conversations and monologues in backwards speak, and it just sounds stupid. So back off the talky, Melisandre. We know the night is dark and full of terrors, and we’re kind of terrified just knowing you’re around.

Seriously, one sentence per episode. You’re terrifying.

Also, why didn’t we get to see the shadow visions? You’d think they were holding out for a lot of visual effects at the end of the show or something.

WINTERFELL

Theon. I think they attempted to make us feel sorry for the guy, and fuck that. Theon is a little bitch, and I laughed my ass off when Chris Finch knocked him out cold in the middle of shouting his ‘this is our Independence Day and they’ll never take our Freedom’ speech. The Iron Islanders pack it up, put a sack on Theon’s head and go home, because fuck a bunch of dealing with Bolton’s Bastard’s 500 Northmen outside the gates.

By the way, I would buy a shirt that says Bolton’s Bastard on it. Just saying, HBO. Just saying.

They also stab Luwin, which is pretty sad. Luwin is a nice guy.

A while later, Osha and Hodor emerge from the catacombs with Bran and Rickon, and Winterfell has been completely razed to the ground. Now, this is the only spot I felt the show truly stumbled. I think they were trying to set up some mystery, but made it confusing instead: Did Finch and the Iron Islanders burn the place after all and run? Did the Northmen burn everything? What’s even happening? That’s the only downfall of having read the books. I know what happened and I felt like they fumbled a bit on the delivery.

Also, why not show us Winterfell being burned to the ground? Why are you guys being so skimpy with the special effects?

Anyway, Luwin says his goodbyes to the boys and suggests Osha take them north to the Wall and Jon Snow. Osha gives Luwin a clean death and they’re on their way. On their way where? According to the character list released by EW, they’re ON THEIR WAY TO MEET JOJEN AND MEERA FUCKING REED!

Change the name of the show. Game of Reeds. Or Reeds on Thrones. Or something. Just…I’m so happy.

QARTH!

Daenerys, Jorah, and Faithful Guy arrive at the House of the Undying. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Dani wants to find her dragons. Inside the temple, she ends up walking through strange visions…The throne room of King’s Landing, charred to rubble, covered in snow. Really haunting, quiet scene. Looked great. And a visit from Drogo and the son she gave up to save him. It’s a touching moment that would have been more effective if she hadn’t annoyed the shit out of me all season.

And then, with two quick scenes, Dani completely redeems herself. She gets a villain monologue from the Warlock, rolls her eyes at him, and has her dragons burn him to death. It’s awesome. And then she locks Ducksauce and her traitor handmaiden inside that vault. Just like that, the Mother of Dragons reclaims her Bosshood.

HARRENHAL…ISH!

Somewhere outside of Harrenhal, Arya encounters Jaqen. She wants to know how to kill dudes like he does, but she wants to find her family first. Jaqen recognizes that her priorities are dumb, but plays along: he gives her a coin. A special coin to show anyone from Braavos along with the words ‘Valor Morghulis,’ and Jaqen will know to find her.

And then he changes his fucking face.

You guys, Arya is the best.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Jon Snow and Qhorin Halfhand are being taken to the camp of Mance Rayder. Qhorin is still dead sest on his plan to get Jon in the ranks of the Wildlings, so he attacks him. Artic Attack Skeletor lets them fight it out, and Qhorin goads Jon into killing him. His last words, quietly to Jon, are a reminder: ‘we are the watchers on the wall.’ It’s like the last scene in Lost In Translation.

Jon is freed, having won some Wildling cred. Ygritte doesn’t remind him that he knows nothing, but she does tell him it’s time to meet the King Beyond the Wall. Boom. He’s in.

And we kind of see the camp, but they didn’t make it look as vast and threatening as they could have. WHERE IS THE VISUAL EFFECTS BUDGET?

Oh right. It’s in the marauding fucking army of White Walkers. Sam, Grenn, and Third Guy hear three blasts from the horn and shit their pants. And rightfully so: Look at this fucking Wight:

You guys, season 3. .

Here’s the deal. Season 1 was about Ned Stark, and how the world related to him and interacted with him. Season 2 was really about a world reeling without a man like Ned Stark in it. Season 3 is going to be about these characters you love growing a pair and realizing they don’t need a world with Ned Stark: It’s got them in it.

You know how excited you are about the season premiere right now?

You know nothing, six people that read this.

 

 

Game of Thrones Post Game: Blackwater

by Joe Starr

This Saturday at the Little Modern Theatre in Hollywood, I’ll be joining comedians Karl Hess, Ron Babcock, Asterios Kokkinos, and more for a PreGame of Thrones show! It’s free, it’s at 10:00, and it’s going to be awesome. Follow me @joestarr187 blah blah blah. 

Let’s get it out of the way: This was one of the best episodes of television I’ve seen in years.

It’s so nice to like something and have it meet your expectations. I love pro wrestling because I’m from Kentucky and drink a lot of Mountain Dew. But it’s almost always terrible. Like, 80% awful. But I still love it. It’s an abusive relationship.

So thank you, Game of Thrones. Thank you for earning my nerd boner. Especially considering that the episode’s director had to drop out, and Neil Marshal (directed Centurion) stepped in with a week’s notice!

Now let’s back up: Game of Thrones has developed a bit of a rep for someone yelling ‘CHARGE!’ at the start of a battle and then cutting to something else and then only showing the aftermath of the fight. To be fair, the book does this too.

So this episode was for every off screen battle, and every voice cracking nerd shriek of ‘why aren’t the wolves in every shot?!’ Ladies and gentlemen, an entire episode dedicated to the brutal Battle of Blackwater, written by the author of A Song of Ice and Fire himself, Old Fat Gandalf (sort of like old fat Elvis, but Gandalf). There was no ‘talking in circles Daenerys’ scene. No Sisterfingers fingering his sister. Just a brutal, high production value all out war that made those elves at Helm’s Deep look like a bunch of elves at Helm’s Deep.

LANCEL WE NEED A GURLZ NIGHT

The episode starts with the reveal of a bad ass fleet and then a guy pukes. In the puke barrel! Now, is he puking because he needs to  puke or is he puking because he’s next to the puke barrel? THE TAO OF GAME OF THRONES.

Davos and his son have a heart to heart. What I’ve loved about GoT so far is that they’re great at making bonding moments not seem like ‘we’re both gonna die in a minute’ chats.

Tyrion and Shae have some pillow talk, and Shae promises to bang him like it’s his last night on earth. And it STILL doesn’t seem like they’re gonna die in a minute. Guys that write Michael Bay movies: please take notes. Also, stop writing movies for Michael Bay.

Is anyone else getting antsy wondering if Daenerys has decided she can trust Jorah Mormont or not? No? K.

Meanwhile, Bronn leads the boys in a few songs and pimps a few hoes… That is, until The Hound shows up. They’re two Alpha Dogs, like Denzel from Training Day and Ethan Hawke from the end of Training Day. Just when the two are about to go at it, Bronn is saved by the bell! Time for the fashion show in Lisa Turtle’s locker!

As Tyrion gears up for battle, Varys seems pretty concerned about Stannis’ red priest. He asks if the Dinklage believes in the old powers, and suggests that his being cut had something to do with the dark arts. Maybe Melisandre crapped a shadow Bobbit? Yeah, that joke just happened.

HEY GUYS THE 90’S

By the way, let’s pause for a moment because Podrick is awesome.

The bells of King’s Landing are sounding to warn the city of Stannis’ fleet. Davos hears the bells and gives the order to respond with dubstep. Davos must have been fun at his son’s career day. “Ah’m a crabba. Mah fatha wos a crabba. This is a bag with mah finger bones in it.”

Bronn and Tyrion get some banter in. Damn it, Old Fat Gandalf wrote the shit out of this episode. CHARACTER ENHANCING BANTER. RARE. Send Brian Michael Bendis a raven!

Sansa swings in with one of my favorite scenes- praying for Tyrion’s safe return…just as she prays for the king’s. And then she shuts down the king’s swagger with a few questions about where he’ll be when the fighting starts…I like tv show Sansa! Maybe book Sansa will end up like her at some point? Please?

I know Peter Dinklage is getting a lot of love, but Jack Gleeson deserves an Emmy. This kid is killing it as Joffrey. And by ‘kid’ I mean ’20 year old.’ Remember when Superbad was so much funnier because you though Jonah Hill was some teenage prodigy someone discovered? That’s kind of an unrelated thought, but… remember?

Ain’t It Cool News biopic=cast

King Joffrey joins Tyrion on the wall with the Hound and Lancel (so you know shit’s gonna get Lancelarious). Joffrey isn’t thrilled about the lack of fleet in the bay, and gets pretty frustrated that Tyrion isn’t respecting the fact that he’s the guy wearing the Ed Hardy shirt from Ross.

Cersei gathers the ladies in her clubhouse and has some wine with Sansa… I’m gonna skip most of this in the recap. This stuff could have been trimmed, but it’s a minor complaint when you realize how much of this episode ISN’T spent wondering WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

Cersei gets one of the lines of the night, though: ‘most of these women are in for a rape!’ It almost sounds like a David Brent line but Lena Headey just crushes the delivery.

Tyrion floats a ship into the midst of Stannis’ fleet leaking wildfire, and in one of the coolest shots ever captured on camera, Bronn fires off the arrow that obliterates the Baratheon fleet in wash of green flame. Green flame hasn’t looked this perfect since Big Trouble in Little China. This recap is usually super jokey and has a lot if stupid references in it, but lets put that on hold for a moment: this sequence was beautiful. It was brutal and horrible and beautiful and perfect. It was visceral in the way that most filmmakers think that throwing millions into CG can be but never is. Episode 9 of season 1 gave us the jaw dropping, quietly gut wrenching sequence of Ned Stark’s execution. Episode 9 of season 2 delivers a similar awe inspiring moment with wildfire.

Weiners.

Despite losing his fleet, Stannis gives the order to storm the shores with the third best inspirational battle speech of the night:

Some guy: Hundreds will die!

Stannis: Thousands. COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY.

Suck it, Braveheart.

The Hound leads the defense outside the walls and starts cutting people in half like the throat ripping sequence in MacGruber. But he’s got that thing with fire and the whole bay is on fire and so he bails, giving us the second best inspirational battle speech of the night: “Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck this city. Fuck the king.”

Well said.

And Lancel got shot with an arrow! “Lancel doesn’t get shot in the books,” whines a guy who’s an idiot who doesn’t understand how lucky we are that this adaptation isn’t The Golden Compass or The Dark is Rising. We even got a LancelLOL when Cersei theons his arrow hole! COME ON!

Joffrey bails. Of course. So we get a speech that is not only the best of the episode or the series, but a battle speech that makes ‘THIS IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!’ look like an intercom announcement about Werthers Originals at a CVS in Van Nuys.

Peter Dinklage, man. Tyrion rallies the troops and defeats the wave of invaders at the gates, only to see a much larger wave charging in. “Oh fuck me.” Again, well said.

Cersei sits on the Iron Throne with Tommen, telling him a story while she waits for death to rush into the throne room. Sansa locks herself in her room and has a great scene with the deserting Hound, who offers to take her home to Winterfell.

Tyrion gets his face more or less sliced off, but gets rescued by Podrick (remember? awesome.) and as he falls he sees a calvary charge of rescuers! Is that…RENLY?

Stannis being dragged away by his men screaming at them for being pussies was awesome. Stannis would have the best Tigerbeat cover ever. “My 16 favorite laws and some people that broke them that now hang!” 

Of course, it’s not really Renly: It’s Loras, wearing Renly’s hat.

It seems Highgarden has saved King’s Landing.

The Lannisters have a powerful new ally.

That means more Natalie Dormer.

This is the best episode ever.

Thrones Post Game: The Ghost of Harrenhal

by Joe Starr

I had high expectations for tonight. After all, last week ended with a lady pushing a shadow baby through her Labia of Light. Were my expectations met? Did I still laugh every time Xaro said his name? Are you following @joestarr187 on Twitter yet? TO THE MAP!

CAMP RENLY!

Remember in Final Fantasy 3 when General Leo from the Empire makes peace with the Returners and the Village of the Magi and they all wave to the camera and the game does a fake happy ending and then OH SHIT HERE COMES KEFKA? You don’t? Well… me neither. Old video games are stupid, right?

…

Anyway, ‘The King of the Beards’ Renly Baratheon and Catelyn Stark get to have a similar scene. They make peace between the Beards and the North and gleefully hold hands and giggle and end the war. Credits! And by ‘credits,’ I mean that shadow man that Melisandre squeezed out stabs Renly through the chest and he fucking dies.

Guards jump in and blame the murder on Renly’s bodyguard Brienne of Tarth and try to kill her, which is stupid. Look at her. She’s like 9 feet tall. Brienne doesn’t want to leave Renly’s body, but Catelyn convinces her that she can’t avenge Renly if she dies. And if she stays, she’s dead. No one is going to buy the ‘shadow person’ defense in Westeros. It’s a shame she doesn’t have Cochran. “If the shadow stalks, Brienne walks!”

HEY GUYS THE 90’S.

After they bail, Renly’s people all join up with Stannis. It’s like the Republican primaries this way. “We stand with the lord that hates gays and reading!” And then that lord dies and they all go “We stand with the other lord that hates gays and reading!”

Littlefinger meets with the Tyrells and suggests that they haul ass out of the area. Loras is not thrilled about this, but eventually sees the wisdom in not dying. In a very cool moment, Littlefinger asks if Margaery wanted to be a queen, to which she replies “No…I wanted to be the Queen.” And then she doesn’t remove her dress, even though it would have been a good button to the scene.

KING’S LANDING!

Tyrion and Cersei seem to hang out a lot for two people that hate each other. Cersei laughs off Tyrion’s concerns about Team Stannis marching their way, and assures him that the King is overseeing the city’s defenses. Which means that Cersei is overseeing them, because King Joffrey is busy overseeing hooker fight clubs.

Tyrion sets out to investigate both Cersei’s plots and her schemes, and gives us this week’s LancelLOL, terrifying Lancel enough that he falls out of a tiny dwarf sized litter. Tyrion having a dwarf sized litter seems weird to me, since he’s not the kind of person to be like ‘I’m a tiny person that needs tiny things!’ so I’ve decided that he only had it made so that Lancel would fall out of it. Justification!

Tyrion discovers that Cersei’s defense plan is having pyromancers create wildfire. At first I thought she meant that the band Pyromancer was going to perform their album Wildfire at the city gates. HELLO KINGS LANDING WE ARE PYROMANCER! THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT! Pyromancer is a side project of Ogre Mage. It turns out that it’s just a few thousand jugs of napalm that they’re going to fling with catapults. Tyrion informs the head pyromancer that he now works for him and dismisses him so that the crazy old man can return to asking the Questions Three at the Bridge of Death.

Tyrion. All of these paragraphs started with ‘Tyrion.’ I am a poor writer.

IRON ISLANDS!

God damn, Theon is ugly. He’s ugly in that ‘so many girls want to fuck him for some reason’ way. You know that ‘I’m on meth’ look that makes ladies put on the blowjob hat? Anyway, he gets  his ship and his crew thinks he’s an idiot and they won’t listen to him. Probably because he fingerbanged his sister. And then one crew member comes to help him out AND IT’S CHRIS FINCH FROM THE OFFICE!

Muchos Tequilos later, Theon and Chris Finch seem to have come up with a scheme involving Winterfell… and hopefully, Finchy’s single barrel pump action yogurt rifle.

Fingers crossed that Mathew Holness plays Mance Rayder.

Holy shit that got me excited about watching The Office. But not you. You have to keep reading.

WINTERFELL!

I wish Bran would stop being a bitch about having legs that don’t work (#northpeopleproblems) because he’s actually doing a pretty good job as a mini lord while Robb is off winning at Westeros Warcraft 2 (the secret is archer towers). Rickon is with him, being a crazy little asshole. I want Rickon to fight the Go Go juice girl from Toddlers in Tiaras. Shaggy Dog can be there so that it’s a fair fight.

Bran is told that a town near Winterfell is being attacked and orders Winterfell’s small remaining force to leave and defend the Stark bannermen, leaving Winterfell defenseless! Could this be part of the plot that Theon and Chris Finch were giggling about in their canoe? PROBABLY.

QARTH!

We get some baby dragons, and then some tension between Dani’s handmaidens. And then at Xaro’s party, we get some tension between Dani and her bloodriders. And then there is some tension between her and Xaro, who suggests that if they get married, he’ll fund her invasion of Westeros. After that, there’s tension between her and Jorah Mormont because he’s always saying ‘that’s probably not a good idea, your Grace.’ We also get a really great monologue from Mormont explaining why he loyally follows the beautiful Targaryen, who has thankfully unchapped her lips. It’s a moving moment, but doesn’t completely pull the trigger on the obvious ‘Jorah wants to bang you’ story we will undoubtedly get in the future.

Also, a lady that looks like Iron Man if Iron Man made his helmet out of woven rugs knows who Mormont is. What was that about?

Also, these guys:

Shit a shadow baby and maybe we’ll talk. Open mic trolls, am I right?

BEYOND THE WALL!

The Night’s Watch sets up camp at the Fist of the First Men. While they do this, everyone bitches about how the First Men got slaughtered when they set up camp here and how it’s a terrible idea. So they stay. Naturally. The Halfhand shows up and out grizzles everyone. They talk about the army Mance Rayder is gathering in the mountains. Halfhand wants to put together a small team to kill the Wildlings manning any beacon fire outposts. That’s right Basterds, Halfhand wants his scalps. Jon ‘The Wolf Jew’ Snow joins up.

 HARRENHAL!

Arya meets up with Jaqen H’ghar, who tells her that for the three lives she saved two episodes ago he now owes the Red God three deaths to keep balance. Arya merely has to tell him three names and he’ll get it done. She names The Tickler, the torture guy from last week, and Jaqen kicks off what is still one of my favorite sections from the books: The ‘Arya tells Jaqen names and Jaqen kills them’ section.

Arya’s also working as Tywin Lannister’s cup bearer. In front of his war council, Tywin has Arya admit she’s from the north, and asks what they are saying about Robb Stark. Arya replies that he rides a direwolf and can’t be killed. When pressed if she believes that, Arya stares Tywin down and says ‘anyone can be killed.’ It is awesome.

Also, Gendry gets all shirtless making a sword and I have to admit, I sort of got a boner. It wasn’t even a sexual thing. It was just my penis’s way of acknowledging who the alpha male in the room was.

Ok, seriously buddy. You’ve gotta go

And that’s what you missed on Dark Ages Glee.

Thrones Post Game: Garden of Bones

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! Crazy, right? FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

Episode four, people! Last night we all got on my buddy Bob’s giant ass couch that he calls the teddy bear picnic to watch Game of Thrones and ARE THOSE NEW LOCATIONS IN THE OPENING CREDITS CAN ANYONE SEE MY PANTS TENT? To the map!

A Battlefield!

Two guards are just dropping lasers on Renly Baratheon being gay when Grey Wind murders one of them mid piss. Then a bunch of dudes shout ‘King of the North!’ and Robb and company makes their charge. ‘Mid piss ambush’ seems to be Robb’s version of a Zergling rush, and you’d think at this point the Lannisters would change some rules on guarding, peeing, and fence building for their camps. Important note: the guards referred to the soldiers of each house as ‘lions’ and ‘wolves’ for the first time I’ve noticed it in the series and it pleased me. It pleased me greatly, ser.

By morning, the Northmen have mopped everyone up and Robb has a very flirty conversation with a hot nurse. I remember how badly I wanted to bang my wife the first time I watched her saw a screaming man’s foot off, too. Her name is Talissa and Robb is clearly smitten as she rides off into the sunset and I make a fart face because she’s not in the books.

Was the made up hooker not enough?

Camp Renly! 

Kid Gladiator AKA Lil Fingerz AKA Petyr B arrives at Camp Renly and gets a little sucking up done with the King of the Beards. I’ve decided that each king is the King of Something. Robb is the King of the North. Renly is the King of the Beards. Joffrey is the King of the Fucking Crazy People and Stannis is King of the Cold, Distant Step Dads that Will Never Love You, Not Like Your Real Dad Did.

Petyr drops by to see Cat Stark, who is not thrilled to see him. He argues that he did his best to support Ned and also offers terms: Sansa and Arya for the Kingslayer. He leaves out the part where no one knows where Arya is. And then he drops Ned Stark’s bones off and peaces out like his name was Pimpfingerz AKA King of the Tidy Mustaches.

And then he saddles up to Margie Tyrell who stays clothed for their conversation. Petyr suggests that her marriage to Renly is a little odd, since he’s currently balls deep in her brother three tents back. Tyrell shrugs him off. Remember, she’s played by Natalie Dormer, and in the paper rock scissor world of Game of Thrones, Dormer beats Littlefinger, Littlefinger beats Melisandre, and Melisandre shits shadow babies on Dormer. And I think that Arya is lava.

Renly and Stannis have a parlay. The Red Lady suggests Renly look to his sins and Stannis promises that his brother will die if he doesn’t drop his claim to the throne. I love Stannis. He’s not good, and he’s not bad- he’s just technically right about the succession and is the most stubborn, cold person in the world.

Qarth!

Thank the Seven that one of Dani’s outriders found a city, because I was getting tired of them sitting there dying every episode. Stormborn, the Blood of the Dragon, the Unburnt and Chapped of Lip gathers her little brood and head for the merchant city of Quarth Qarth. She meets the Thirteen. They are the 13 richest merchants that run Qarth. So Qarth is run like the United States, AMIRIGHT? Occupy! Yes we can!

Dani refuses to show these guys her dragons, so they plan on leaving her outside the gates to starve and die, until one of the 13, Xaro Xhoan Daxos (thaaaaaaaaaaat’s my name tooooooooooo) accepts responsibility for the group and lets them in as his guests. And then he passes Dani a chapstick.

PUT THIS ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW KHALEESI OK THANK YOU

King’s Landing!

Everything that happened on King’s Landing in this episode was incredibly pleasant and very similar to an episode of Friendship is Magic.

Ugh. Joffrey has discovered a love of crossbows. He is a big fan of pointing them at a crying Sansa while the court looks on. He can’t kill her, so he decides to have her beaten and stripped. Tyrion storms in pissed and saves the day, and we discover that while Joffrey is crazy, he’s still not bold enough to speak up to his uncle. So that’s a good thing. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Also, in this week’s episode of Lancel LOLZ, Lancel tries to act all bad ass with Tyrion and the Imp terrifies him into being a loyal spy. Oh, Lancel.

Tyrion wonders if maybe Joffrey is crazy because he really needs to get laid. All men watching the show kind of nod and agree with this assessment and Tyrion buys the king some whores.

And then the king has one of the whores beat the hell out of the other while he watches. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Harrenhal!

Let’s pause and talk about how amazing this series is. When I read the books, I have to admit that aside from King’s Landing and Winterfell, I pretty much picture every castle as the same pile of rocks with different banners. When I read about Harrenhal, it’s the same but in a minor state of disrepair.

Holy shit, production team! Harrenhal is TERRIFYING. Usually the adaptation of a book leaves you rolling your eyes at the sparseness of the meal the adaptation hands you. So far, Game of Thrones has fed us and wrapped up leftovers. I can’t remember the last time an adaptation actually enhanced the book for me.

Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie find themselves as guests in Harrenhal, where everyone gets tortured and killed. Arya has started her prayer of people she’d like to murder to get herself to sleep. Gendry is saved from torture when Tywin Lannister arrives, and is less than thrilled that possibly good laborers are being killed, setting the group free and putting them to work. He chooses Arya to be his new cup bearer and then demands to know the location of the Ajanti Dagger.

“My brother Noompsi has forgiven me!” 

The dark and full of terrors night!

Stannis has this conversation with Davos:

Stannis: Do you miss being a smuggler?

Davos: Nope. Pretty happy with my new life. I’ve cleaned up my act, now I’m a knight, and my wife and sons have the opportunities that they never would have had if I was still skulking into caves at night stealing things and helping assassins sneak into camps.

Stannis: I need you to go skulk into a cave tonight and help an assassin sneak into Renly’s camp.

Davos: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

The assassin turns out to be the Red Lady herself, Melisandre. They banter a bit in their canoe, and we learn that Carice van Houten was cast as Mel because she gives both boners and the creeps when she talks. It’s tougher than you think and she deserves a Golden Globe.

The two discover that the passage to the camp has been barred. That’s when Melisandre drops her robe, shows off a sudden super pregnant belly, and gives birth to a shadow baby while poor Davos shits his pants.

And THAT’S how you do a cliffhanger!

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

I am assuming that Talissa the Sassy Nurse is actually Jeyne Westerling and they’re trying to beef up Robb’s want to marry her over a Frey. Which I’m totally fine with, and it makes Jeyne a much cooler character.

Everyone keeps telling me that the shadow killing Renly and Davos seeing Mel crap a shadow baby happen in two different scenes but this is actually the way I remember it from the books so WELL DONE, TV SHOW.

So excited about Jaqen H’Ghar. Arya’s evolution into a murder machine is going to be so much fun to watch. I’m hoping that the series ends with her holding Bella Swan’s head by the hair and screaming ‘Valar Morghulis.’

Also, I am so excited to see Joffrey fucking die. It’ll be pretty damn satisfying.

Thrones Post Game: What Is Dead May Never Die

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

We’re three episodes in to Season 2 of Game of Thrones and things are beginning to pick up in dear Westeros! While the first two episodes had to dedicate most of their time to catching the audience up on WHERE EVERYONE IS, ‘What Is Dead May Never Die’ kicked things into gear and got us crazy close to hitting 55 miles per hour. Let’s take a look at the map!

King’s Landing!

Tyrion began playing his Game of Hands against the King’s Small Council by telling variations of the same plan to Pycelle, Littlefinger, and Varys to find out who would rat to the queen first. The queen confronts Tyrion with the Pycelle version of the story with a fantastic show of rage between Cersei and Tyrion that will hopefully not be their last, and Pycelle gets the classic ‘in bed with a whore one moment, being dragged out by barbarians, a dwarf, and Bronn the next’ treatment. Man. College, right?

IMPORTANT OPINION YOU WILL FIND NO WHERE ELSE ON THE INTERNET: Tyrion is a fantastic character. He’s not a good guy, but he recognizes that his family can’t stay on top constantly being the douche bags that they are and is desperately trying to steer them on a decent path. Not that Joffrey is capaple of finding a decent path: if his encounter with Batman at a young age couldn’t do it, how much hope does the Dinklage have?

Katie Holmes should have let him burn.

Littlefinger ain’t happy to be a part of Tyrion’s tricks, but is probably a little happier to be dispatched by the Hand to treat with Catelyn Stark. Did you know that Littlefinger is the Kid Gladiator of Game of Thrones? I DROP TRUTH LIKE BOMBS.

Varys and Tyrion trade riddles in the dark decently lit room in a fantastic scene about the ideas of where power really comes from. It’s nice to see season 2 take the time to dig into the theme instead of constantly being in a hurry to catch you up on what everyone’s doing.

Poor Sansa has a dinner that comes dangerously close to Will Ferrell reminding Cersei that he drives a Dodge Stratus, while Mrycella and Tommen get some screen time in. Moments like the youngest Lannisters getting some character development in make me thank the Seven that Thrones wasn’t made into a series of movies. I’m looking at you, Harry Potter and the Half Assed Supporting Cast.

Did they both die? I can’t even remember. Those movies were terrible.

And in further Sansa developments, Shea is introduced as her new handmaiden. Maybe they’ll make out. Whatever, they’re both stupid.

North of the Wall!

The Night’s Watch is still camped out in Craster’s creepy little keep. Not a whole lot going on here…Sam falls in love with one of Craster’s daughterwives and gives her a thimble before leaving to reattach his shadow. Jon Snow had discovered that Craster offers his baby sons to the White Walkers and that Craster knew that he knows, and after a cryptic chat with Mormont, knows that the Bear knew what he knew already, which is surprising to Jon because he assumed that Mormont didn’t know what Craster knew that Jon had known. Did you know that? …Of course.

Winterfell!

The awesome POV wolf dreams continue! We get to see Summer as a grown direwolf! Also, Hodor! Bran attempts to explain his dreams to Luwin, who gently explains that there is no magic left in the world. It’s like the atheist response to Gandalf’s monologue about heaven in Return of the King. The movie, not the book. In the Lord of the Rings books, if it was long enough to be a monologue, it was a song.

Iron Islands!

Theon continues to be a bitch, especially in the shadow of his father and sister. Remember when he fingerbanged her? That was gross. It looks like he’s not going to hang on to any loyalties to Robb and that the Squids are gonna attack the North. They’re trying to make him sympathetic and conflicted, but remember when he fingerbanged his sister?

En Route to The Wall!

Arya can’t sleep, and Yoren shares a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay: chanting the name of his brother’s killer.

The Gold Cloaks show up for Gendry with backup and Yoren dies because he shared a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay with Arya. Arya frees Jaqen from getting burned alive and tells the Cloaks that the now dead Lommy was Gendry. And then they all get captured.

Also, Arya totally looks like Daniel Radcliffe from Sorcerer’s Stone.

Camp Renly!

Ser Loras is bested in a tournament by the very awesome Brienne of Tarth! Brienne is given a place in King Renly’s Kingsguard, and Renly is given the prize for ‘Best Crown.’ Seriously, it’s an awesome crown. Other things happened at Camp Renly, too. Cat Stark showed up and there was some talk of things and to be honest, I wasn’t paying attention. Natalie Dormer was on camera. She’s playing Margaery Tyrell and she’s Highgarden royalty along with Loras and she’s been married to Renly to combine his forces with Highgarden and then she takes her top off and holy shit, Natalie Dormer.

Something something Renly who cares?

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

Yoren teaching Arya her prayer was a slight deviation from the book, but it game the episode an awesome ‘Captain America’s shield is in Tony’s workshop’ moment that I really loved.

I hate Shae in the books. I also hate her in the show.

Whereas in the books, I start to get bored when we’re not on a Jon Snow or Arya chapter, I’ve started to really favor the Dany stuff in the show.

When does Hagrid find Arya and say ‘yer a member of the assassin’s guild, ‘arry?’

 

 

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ DANCE WITH DRAGONS

They should have named Reek Sisterfingers AMIRIGHT?

It’s a shame Luwin doesn’t live long enough for those Children of the Forest that look like the Mirkwood Elves from the Hobbit cartoon to show up.

Shut up and look at my balls, Bran! LOOK AT THEM!