This Saturday at the Little Modern Theatre in Hollywood, I’ll be joining comedians Karl Hess, Ron Babcock, Asterios Kokkinos, and more for a PreGame of Thrones show! It’s free, it’s at 10:00, and it’s going to be awesome. Follow me @joestarr187 blah blah blah.
Let’s get it out of the way: This was one of the best episodes of television I’ve seen in years.
It’s so nice to like something and have it meet your expectations. I love pro wrestling because I’m from Kentucky and drink a lot of Mountain Dew. But it’s almost always terrible. Like, 80% awful. But I still love it. It’s an abusive relationship.
So thank you, Game of Thrones. Thank you for earning my nerd boner. Especially considering that the episode’s director had to drop out, and Neil Marshal (directed Centurion) stepped in with a week’s notice!
Now let’s back up: Game of Thrones has developed a bit of a rep for someone yelling ‘CHARGE!’ at the start of a battle and then cutting to something else and then only showing the aftermath of the fight. To be fair, the book does this too.
So this episode was for every off screen battle, and every voice cracking nerd shriek of ‘why aren’t the wolves in every shot?!’ Ladies and gentlemen, an entire episode dedicated to the brutal Battle of Blackwater, written by the author of A Song of Ice and Fire himself, Old Fat Gandalf (sort of like old fat Elvis, but Gandalf). There was no ‘talking in circles Daenerys’ scene. No Sisterfingers fingering his sister. Just a brutal, high production value all out war that made those elves at Helm’s Deep look like a bunch of elves at Helm’s Deep.
LANCEL WE NEED A GURLZ NIGHT
The episode starts with the reveal of a bad ass fleet and then a guy pukes. In the puke barrel! Now, is he puking because he needs to puke or is he puking because he’s next to the puke barrel? THE TAO OF GAME OF THRONES.
Davos and his son have a heart to heart. What I’ve loved about GoT so far is that they’re great at making bonding moments not seem like ‘we’re both gonna die in a minute’ chats.
Tyrion and Shae have some pillow talk, and Shae promises to bang him like it’s his last night on earth. And it STILL doesn’t seem like they’re gonna die in a minute. Guys that write Michael Bay movies: please take notes. Also, stop writing movies for Michael Bay.
Is anyone else getting antsy wondering if Daenerys has decided she can trust Jorah Mormont or not? No? K.
Meanwhile, Bronn leads the boys in a few songs and pimps a few hoes… That is, until The Hound shows up. They’re two Alpha Dogs, like Denzel from Training Day and Ethan Hawke from the end of Training Day. Just when the two are about to go at it, Bronn is saved by the bell! Time for the fashion show in Lisa Turtle’s locker!
As Tyrion gears up for battle, Varys seems pretty concerned about Stannis’ red priest. He asks if the Dinklage believes in the old powers, and suggests that his being cut had something to do with the dark arts. Maybe Melisandre crapped a shadow Bobbit? Yeah, that joke just happened.
HEY GUYS THE 90’S
By the way, let’s pause for a moment because Podrick is awesome.
The bells of King’s Landing are sounding to warn the city of Stannis’ fleet. Davos hears the bells and gives the order to respond with dubstep. Davos must have been fun at his son’s career day. “Ah’m a crabba. Mah fatha wos a crabba. This is a bag with mah finger bones in it.”
Bronn and Tyrion get some banter in. Damn it, Old Fat Gandalf wrote the shit out of this episode. CHARACTER ENHANCING BANTER. RARE. Send Brian Michael Bendis a raven!
Sansa swings in with one of my favorite scenes- praying for Tyrion’s safe return…just as she prays for the king’s. And then she shuts down the king’s swagger with a few questions about where he’ll be when the fighting starts…I like tv show Sansa! Maybe book Sansa will end up like her at some point? Please?
I know Peter Dinklage is getting a lot of love, but Jack Gleeson deserves an Emmy. This kid is killing it as Joffrey. And by ‘kid’ I mean ’20 year old.’ Remember when Superbad was so much funnier because you though Jonah Hill was some teenage prodigy someone discovered? That’s kind of an unrelated thought, but… remember?
Ain’t It Cool News biopic=cast
King Joffrey joins Tyrion on the wall with the Hound and Lancel (so you know shit’s gonna get Lancelarious). Joffrey isn’t thrilled about the lack of fleet in the bay, and gets pretty frustrated that Tyrion isn’t respecting the fact that he’s the guy wearing the Ed Hardy shirt from Ross.
Cersei gathers the ladies in her clubhouse and has some wine with Sansa… I’m gonna skip most of this in the recap. This stuff could have been trimmed, but it’s a minor complaint when you realize how much of this episode ISN’T spent wondering WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?
Cersei gets one of the lines of the night, though: ‘most of these women are in for a rape!’ It almost sounds like a David Brent line but Lena Headey just crushes the delivery.
Tyrion floats a ship into the midst of Stannis’ fleet leaking wildfire, and in one of the coolest shots ever captured on camera, Bronn fires off the arrow that obliterates the Baratheon fleet in wash of green flame. Green flame hasn’t looked this perfect since Big Trouble in Little China. This recap is usually super jokey and has a lot if stupid references in it, but lets put that on hold for a moment: this sequence was beautiful. It was brutal and horrible and beautiful and perfect. It was visceral in the way that most filmmakers think that throwing millions into CG can be but never is. Episode 9 of season 1 gave us the jaw dropping, quietly gut wrenching sequence of Ned Stark’s execution. Episode 9 of season 2 delivers a similar awe inspiring moment with wildfire.
Weiners.
Despite losing his fleet, Stannis gives the order to storm the shores with the third best inspirational battle speech of the night:
Some guy: Hundreds will die!
Stannis: Thousands. COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY.
Suck it, Braveheart.
The Hound leads the defense outside the walls and starts cutting people in half like the throat ripping sequence in MacGruber. But he’s got that thing with fire and the whole bay is on fire and so he bails, giving us the second best inspirational battle speech of the night: “Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck this city. Fuck the king.”
Well said.
And Lancel got shot with an arrow! “Lancel doesn’t get shot in the books,” whines a guy who’s an idiot who doesn’t understand how lucky we are that this adaptation isn’t The Golden Compass or The Dark is Rising. We even got a LancelLOL when Cersei theons his arrow hole! COME ON!
Joffrey bails. Of course. So we get a speech that is not only the best of the episode or the series, but a battle speech that makes ‘THIS IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!’ look like an intercom announcement about Werthers Originals at a CVS in Van Nuys.
Peter Dinklage, man. Tyrion rallies the troops and defeats the wave of invaders at the gates, only to see a much larger wave charging in. “Oh fuck me.” Again, well said.
Cersei sits on the Iron Throne with Tommen, telling him a story while she waits for death to rush into the throne room. Sansa locks herself in her room and has a great scene with the deserting Hound, who offers to take her home to Winterfell.
Tyrion gets his face more or less sliced off, but gets rescued by Podrick (remember? awesome.) and as he falls he sees a calvary charge of rescuers! Is that…RENLY?
Stannis being dragged away by his men screaming at them for being pussies was awesome. Stannis would have the best Tigerbeat cover ever. “My 16 favorite laws and some people that broke them that now hang!”
Of course, it’s not really Renly: It’s Loras, wearing Renly’s hat.
It seems Highgarden has saved King’s Landing.
The Lannisters have a powerful new ally.
That means more Natalie Dormer.
This is the best episode ever.
