Tag: tyrion

Game of Thrones Post Game: Blackwater

by Joe Starr

This Saturday at the Little Modern Theatre in Hollywood, I’ll be joining comedians Karl Hess, Ron Babcock, Asterios Kokkinos, and more for a PreGame of Thrones show! It’s free, it’s at 10:00, and it’s going to be awesome. Follow me @joestarr187 blah blah blah. 

Let’s get it out of the way: This was one of the best episodes of television I’ve seen in years.

It’s so nice to like something and have it meet your expectations. I love pro wrestling because I’m from Kentucky and drink a lot of Mountain Dew. But it’s almost always terrible. Like, 80% awful. But I still love it. It’s an abusive relationship.

So thank you, Game of Thrones. Thank you for earning my nerd boner. Especially considering that the episode’s director had to drop out, and Neil Marshal (directed Centurion) stepped in with a week’s notice!

Now let’s back up: Game of Thrones has developed a bit of a rep for someone yelling ‘CHARGE!’ at the start of a battle and then cutting to something else and then only showing the aftermath of the fight. To be fair, the book does this too.

So this episode was for every off screen battle, and every voice cracking nerd shriek of ‘why aren’t the wolves in every shot?!’ Ladies and gentlemen, an entire episode dedicated to the brutal Battle of Blackwater, written by the author of A Song of Ice and Fire himself, Old Fat Gandalf (sort of like old fat Elvis, but Gandalf). There was no ‘talking in circles Daenerys’ scene. No Sisterfingers fingering his sister. Just a brutal, high production value all out war that made those elves at Helm’s Deep look like a bunch of elves at Helm’s Deep.

LANCEL WE NEED A GURLZ NIGHT

The episode starts with the reveal of a bad ass fleet and then a guy pukes. In the puke barrel! Now, is he puking because he needs to  puke or is he puking because he’s next to the puke barrel? THE TAO OF GAME OF THRONES.

Davos and his son have a heart to heart. What I’ve loved about GoT so far is that they’re great at making bonding moments not seem like ‘we’re both gonna die in a minute’ chats.

Tyrion and Shae have some pillow talk, and Shae promises to bang him like it’s his last night on earth. And it STILL doesn’t seem like they’re gonna die in a minute. Guys that write Michael Bay movies: please take notes. Also, stop writing movies for Michael Bay.

Is anyone else getting antsy wondering if Daenerys has decided she can trust Jorah Mormont or not? No? K.

Meanwhile, Bronn leads the boys in a few songs and pimps a few hoes… That is, until The Hound shows up. They’re two Alpha Dogs, like Denzel from Training Day and Ethan Hawke from the end of Training Day. Just when the two are about to go at it, Bronn is saved by the bell! Time for the fashion show in Lisa Turtle’s locker!

As Tyrion gears up for battle, Varys seems pretty concerned about Stannis’ red priest. He asks if the Dinklage believes in the old powers, and suggests that his being cut had something to do with the dark arts. Maybe Melisandre crapped a shadow Bobbit? Yeah, that joke just happened.

HEY GUYS THE 90’S

By the way, let’s pause for a moment because Podrick is awesome.

The bells of King’s Landing are sounding to warn the city of Stannis’ fleet. Davos hears the bells and gives the order to respond with dubstep. Davos must have been fun at his son’s career day. “Ah’m a crabba. Mah fatha wos a crabba. This is a bag with mah finger bones in it.”

Bronn and Tyrion get some banter in. Damn it, Old Fat Gandalf wrote the shit out of this episode. CHARACTER ENHANCING BANTER. RARE. Send Brian Michael Bendis a raven!

Sansa swings in with one of my favorite scenes- praying for Tyrion’s safe return…just as she prays for the king’s. And then she shuts down the king’s swagger with a few questions about where he’ll be when the fighting starts…I like tv show Sansa! Maybe book Sansa will end up like her at some point? Please?

I know Peter Dinklage is getting a lot of love, but Jack Gleeson deserves an Emmy. This kid is killing it as Joffrey. And by ‘kid’ I mean ’20 year old.’ Remember when Superbad was so much funnier because you though Jonah Hill was some teenage prodigy someone discovered? That’s kind of an unrelated thought, but… remember?

Ain’t It Cool News biopic=cast

King Joffrey joins Tyrion on the wall with the Hound and Lancel (so you know shit’s gonna get Lancelarious). Joffrey isn’t thrilled about the lack of fleet in the bay, and gets pretty frustrated that Tyrion isn’t respecting the fact that he’s the guy wearing the Ed Hardy shirt from Ross.

Cersei gathers the ladies in her clubhouse and has some wine with Sansa… I’m gonna skip most of this in the recap. This stuff could have been trimmed, but it’s a minor complaint when you realize how much of this episode ISN’T spent wondering WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

Cersei gets one of the lines of the night, though: ‘most of these women are in for a rape!’ It almost sounds like a David Brent line but Lena Headey just crushes the delivery.

Tyrion floats a ship into the midst of Stannis’ fleet leaking wildfire, and in one of the coolest shots ever captured on camera, Bronn fires off the arrow that obliterates the Baratheon fleet in wash of green flame. Green flame hasn’t looked this perfect since Big Trouble in Little China. This recap is usually super jokey and has a lot if stupid references in it, but lets put that on hold for a moment: this sequence was beautiful. It was brutal and horrible and beautiful and perfect. It was visceral in the way that most filmmakers think that throwing millions into CG can be but never is. Episode 9 of season 1 gave us the jaw dropping, quietly gut wrenching sequence of Ned Stark’s execution. Episode 9 of season 2 delivers a similar awe inspiring moment with wildfire.

Weiners.

Despite losing his fleet, Stannis gives the order to storm the shores with the third best inspirational battle speech of the night:

Some guy: Hundreds will die!

Stannis: Thousands. COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY.

Suck it, Braveheart.

The Hound leads the defense outside the walls and starts cutting people in half like the throat ripping sequence in MacGruber. But he’s got that thing with fire and the whole bay is on fire and so he bails, giving us the second best inspirational battle speech of the night: “Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck this city. Fuck the king.”

Well said.

And Lancel got shot with an arrow! “Lancel doesn’t get shot in the books,” whines a guy who’s an idiot who doesn’t understand how lucky we are that this adaptation isn’t The Golden Compass or The Dark is Rising. We even got a LancelLOL when Cersei theons his arrow hole! COME ON!

Joffrey bails. Of course. So we get a speech that is not only the best of the episode or the series, but a battle speech that makes ‘THIS IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!’ look like an intercom announcement about Werthers Originals at a CVS in Van Nuys.

Peter Dinklage, man. Tyrion rallies the troops and defeats the wave of invaders at the gates, only to see a much larger wave charging in. “Oh fuck me.” Again, well said.

Cersei sits on the Iron Throne with Tommen, telling him a story while she waits for death to rush into the throne room. Sansa locks herself in her room and has a great scene with the deserting Hound, who offers to take her home to Winterfell.

Tyrion gets his face more or less sliced off, but gets rescued by Podrick (remember? awesome.) and as he falls he sees a calvary charge of rescuers! Is that…RENLY?

Stannis being dragged away by his men screaming at them for being pussies was awesome. Stannis would have the best Tigerbeat cover ever. “My 16 favorite laws and some people that broke them that now hang!” 

Of course, it’s not really Renly: It’s Loras, wearing Renly’s hat.

It seems Highgarden has saved King’s Landing.

The Lannisters have a powerful new ally.

That means more Natalie Dormer.

This is the best episode ever.

Game of Thrones Post Game of Thrones: The Prince of Winterfell

by Joe Starr

Before we get to business, know this! I’ll be in a big Game of Thrones themed comedy show on June 2nd in Hollywood at 10:00! Jokes about winter coming are coming! Here’s the Facebook invite! You should come!

TO THE MAP!

WINTERFELL!

This whole episode could have been Yara calling Theon a dumb cunt for an hour and I would have deemed it the best episode of Game of Thrones to date.

Despite Theon being a total fuck up that deserves a noose, Yara begs him to return home so that he won’t get slaughtered by Northerners. She tells him a story of how once, as an obnoxious constantly screaming baby, he looked up at her, stopped crying, and smiled. And then about 16 years later he fingered her.

Hey, look who’s hiding in the crypts! The Reeds had better be down there, too. I still haven’t forgiven this.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Meanwhile, on Hoth…

OH SHIT ITS RATTLESHIRT THE LORD OF BONES! I love this dude. He looks like a Masters of the Universe toy once they started running out of ideas and started putting out Artic Attack Skeletors. I think that it’s important people understand everything they need to know about a character within twenty seconds of meeting them. L.O.B. said ‘gut him’ 16 times in 12 seconds. I think we’re all on the same page.

It seems that the Halfhand was captured looking for Jon, the redshirts (blackshirts?) having been killed offscreen. Ygritte evens her score with Jon by talking the Lord of Bones out of gutting him. You guys think that’s the end of Ygritte and Jon Snow? Cut to footage: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Alright guys, have a great night. See you next time right here on this bland smiley network recap show!” CREDITS.

Halfhand starts his plot to get the Wildlings to think that Jon Snow has betrayed the Night’s Watch and pushes the bastard down a hill. Jon stands and gets a serious case of ‘eff me eyes’ from Ygritte. They might just be suspicious eyes. It’s tough to tell with her.

THE ROBB ZONE!

Robb and Lady Nurse walk in the woods together, laughing and sighing. WHERE IS BRYAN ADAMS WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Ned Stark’s shadow continues to hang over the events of Westeros, long after his death. Spoiler alert, in case you randomly missed episodes of season 1 and have been wondering where Sean Bean is. We get some nice insight into Robb via lessons he learned from his father.

And then some bad news…JAIME LANNISTER ESCAPED! Wasn’t it refreshing to not have a guy saunter up to Robb and grimly tell him they’ve had a raven?

Catelyn Stark freed the Kingslayer? This shit isn’t going to play out well. And now she’s on house arrest, like Charle Sheen. Brienne sort of sounds like ‘Bree Olson,’ right?

But she doesn’t even have Brienne, because the Maiden of Tarth is escorting Jaime Lannister back to King’s Landing? Tyrion and Bronn are going to have to move over, because this is my favorite two man show on Game of Thrones.

I love the Kingslayer. I love that killing the Mad King was the right thing to do, and that if a noble man like Ned Stark had been in his position, the Mad King would have slaughtered thousands, but everyone still vilifies Jaime for doing what had to be done. No joke to add there. He’s just neck and neck with Tyrion as my favorite Lannister.

Robb wraps up with bonding with Lady Nurse, who is clearly of no relation to anyone in the Crag.

I really want the Crag to be the Agrocrag from GUTS, and for Lady Nurse’s mother to be Mo.

Also, they bang. Those tunics seem hard to take off.

TEAM STANNIS!

Stannis has some serious brother issues. We finally get a full, clear back story about Davos.

KING’S LANDING!

“We don’t have that many books.” Line of the night. This show does so well with giving folks you haven’t seen in a few episodes a strong return.

Tyrion is really annoyed with Bronn’s fingernail clipping. I’m thinking that a certain duo is worried about being overshadowed by a certain Jaime and Brienne? Anyway, the gang is trying to figure how Stannis will attack, given how well he knows King’s Landing. What this scene presupposes is, maybe it’s Mud Gate?

Cersei tries to tie Tyrion up by the whore, and Tyrion gives a lesson in intense speeches that the Mother of Dragons really needs to take notes on.

I have a bad feeling that Tyrion is going to learn a sharp lesson about bitches, and how they ain’t shit but hoes or tricks. At least it looks like Ros is going to eat it.

Joffrey hangs out with Varys and Tyrion and says a string of douche bag things. I’m really hoping he rides out to fight Stannis wearing a TAPOUT shirt.

And where are the gods of tits and wine?

FIST OF THE FIRST MEN!

If it was the first of the Fist Men, it would be a much different scene. Sam, Grenn, and that other guy find a cache of magical weapons. Finally, something Dungeons and Dragonsy happens in our fantasy series! Link found A JAR! You can put fairies in it! Or bees!

QARTH!

Damn it. I almost got a whole episode without Dani. She strokes Jorah’s cheek until he agrees to go to the House of the Undying with her. Poor Mormont. He’s got 99 problems. Guess who’s one?

HARRENHAL!

Tywin is about to hit Robb with a major sneak attack! Hey you guys remember Hot Pie? Here he is, talking about homemade pop tarts. That one’s for regular reader Brittany Canasi, who made me home made pop tarts one time.  Her blog is full of desert.

Also?

“A girl lacks honor.”

Shrug.

Arya is a fucking boss.

With Jaqen’s help, Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie escape. Why are we taking Hot Pie? Arya can’t really be blamed. Worthless fat dudes have a tendency to turn out to be really useful heroes in fantasy books. She’s just playing the odds.

Thrones Post Game: The Old Gods and the New

by Joe Starr

True story: I had a lot of margarita in me during last night’s Game of Thrones. Have you followed me on Twitter yet @joestarr187? Would you like to jump to the map?

WINTERFELL!

 Ugh. Theon.

The drug dealer from your high school that banged all of the girls you had a thing for has conquered Winterfell in the lamest way possible: with TRICKERY AND SKULLDUGGERY. He made a feint in a nearby town, and Winterfell sent the best of what was left to meet the threat. Theon’s crew snuck in and planted a flag. It’s honestly a pretty brilliant storytelling move. Theon is the lamest and worst, and Winterfell is the coolest and best. From the beginning of the series, Winterfell has been a completely safe, powerful beacon of hope in the North. It’s the home of the Starks, and if you aren’t a Stark in this show you’ve probably killed a baby or punched a whore to death. So it’s infuriating that Winterfell is conquered in the lamest way possible by the lamest guy on the show: Theon Sisterfingers, First of His Name. In just one scene, Theon goes from a bathroom break character to a guy that I would pay extra to see stabbed to death.

“WHATCHA GONNA DO, GREYJOY… WHEN WINTER RUNS WILD ON YOU?!”

Despite his promises to Bran that no one will be hurt, Ser Rodrik is captured by the Iron Islanders and spits on Theon. And then he gets beheaded. Actually, beheaded is too nice of a word for it. If it takes more than 8 strokes, it’s more of a cranial mangling.

Osha the Wildling hits Theon’s weakness: doing it with chicks. Later, after he’s passed out dreaming of selling bad ecstasy to middle school ravers, she sneaks Bran, Rickon, Hodor, and their wolves out of the castle.

They paid the iron price for those pacifiers.

Time for Osha and the Little Starks Adventure Time! It’s the best Fellowship ever! “You’ll have my crazy eyes.” “And my wolf!” “Also my crazy wolf!” “HODOR.”

ROBB ZONE!

Somewhere in between Walder Frey’s castle and King’s Landing…IT’S THE ROBB ZONE!

The King of the North spots Talisa the Nurse taking her 15 minute break. And now we know she’s not a real nurse because she’s be smoking and drinking coffee out of a paper cup. Robb calls her out on being Of Noble Birth (new band name) and she doesn’t deny it, but she doesn’t tell him who she really is, either. I feel better about her now, because I’m pretty sure she’s a character from the book being introduced in a fun different way. There’s actually A LOT of stuff in this episode that isn’t in the book, and I’ve really loved all of it. Anyway, Catelyn Stark shows up and Robb’s like ‘hey mom, this is Talisa’ and Catelyn’s like ‘mind your breeches tent, you’re engaged already.’ Not mentioned: The giant woman in armor Catelyn has brought back with her.

“Damn! Who is THAT bitch?”

And then they get a raven from Winterfell. So that sucks. Has a raven delivered good news yet? Upon learning that Winterfell has been conquered by his former friend and former extra from the movie Go, Robb is ready to march back North. However, Roose Bolton convinces him to stay in the field and let his son handle retaking the castle. Robb agrees, but wants Theon alive. Because he’s out of weed.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Qhorin Halfhand, Jon Snow, and a few redshirts take out a wildling watchpost. Jon takes a wildling named Ygritte prisoner because ‘they can interrogate her.’ But we all know what’s really going on here: Jon has fan questions about what it was like on the set of Downton Abbey. She escapes and Jon pursues, getting separated from the group. He recaptures Ygritte as night falls, and they’re forced to sleep together for warmth. Ygritte doesn’t see anything wrong with a little bit of bump and grind. Jon Snow is an abstinent virgin. This is going to get wacky.

KING’S LANDING!

Myrcella is sent off to Dorne, and the King’s escort is caught in an unruly and angry crowd. Someone throws a poop at King Joffrey and he demands that the crowd be executed. This is not a good decision. The crowd riots and the High Septon gets ripped apart. Literally. Everyone goes Romero and his arms get pulled off. Tyrion does his best to handle the situation and get everyone out safely. He also smacks the hell out of Joffrey. Very satisfying. Sansa Stark is rescued from a group of would be rapers by THE HOUND, who totally has his ‘t-rex shows up just in time to eat these raptors’ moment. He roars and a ‘Game of Thrones’ banner flutters down in front of him. Have you ever seen Star Kid, that super hero movie that Tim from Jurassic Park did? You should see it.

What if Bran got this suit? OMG FANFIC

HARRENHALL!

So, this Tywin/Arya stuff isn’t in the book. Arya serves as the cupbearer to some random dude and Tywin never even shows up at Harrenhall. And who cares? Not me- the Tywin/Arya angle is my favorite part of the show. “What got your father killed, girl?” “Loyalty.” GOLD.

Littlefinger shows up and you just know that he recognized Arya but didn’t play his cards cuz that’s not how a True Boss does. However, Arya is caught stealing information about troop movements by a member of Tywin’s war council and has to play her second Jaqen card. Arya insists that the deed has to be done NOW. The knight knocks at Tywin’s door and falls forward dead with a dart in his neck. I wish Arya had saved 86 people because I could watch a ‘Arya tells Jaqen to kill someone and he is charming in that weird way he talks and then kills them’ scene every week for the rest of the series.

QARTH!

Ok, I’m starting to think that Dani is going to make a bad queen. So far her strategy is to demand things from people and then make a shaky passionate speech at them when they turn her down. And the speech always just makes them turn her down more. You’re the Daughter of Dragons. We’ve got it. You’re also getting sort of annoying. Oots, someone stole your dragons. Oh, are you going to do a speech? Is it going to sound like this?

“By the Blood of my Blood I will have my children returned. Into the fire I walked and returned as the Unburnt: The Mother of Dragons. Whoever has taken my children has taken the blind fury of the last Targaryen’s rage and it will drown them. I will retake my children in fire and blood and burn those who would deny me what’s mine. Also Khal Drogo.”

It’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?

MIC DROP

Thrones Post Game: The Ghost of Harrenhal

by Joe Starr

I had high expectations for tonight. After all, last week ended with a lady pushing a shadow baby through her Labia of Light. Were my expectations met? Did I still laugh every time Xaro said his name? Are you following @joestarr187 on Twitter yet? TO THE MAP!

CAMP RENLY!

Remember in Final Fantasy 3 when General Leo from the Empire makes peace with the Returners and the Village of the Magi and they all wave to the camera and the game does a fake happy ending and then OH SHIT HERE COMES KEFKA? You don’t? Well… me neither. Old video games are stupid, right?

…

Anyway, ‘The King of the Beards’ Renly Baratheon and Catelyn Stark get to have a similar scene. They make peace between the Beards and the North and gleefully hold hands and giggle and end the war. Credits! And by ‘credits,’ I mean that shadow man that Melisandre squeezed out stabs Renly through the chest and he fucking dies.

Guards jump in and blame the murder on Renly’s bodyguard Brienne of Tarth and try to kill her, which is stupid. Look at her. She’s like 9 feet tall. Brienne doesn’t want to leave Renly’s body, but Catelyn convinces her that she can’t avenge Renly if she dies. And if she stays, she’s dead. No one is going to buy the ‘shadow person’ defense in Westeros. It’s a shame she doesn’t have Cochran. “If the shadow stalks, Brienne walks!”

HEY GUYS THE 90’S.

After they bail, Renly’s people all join up with Stannis. It’s like the Republican primaries this way. “We stand with the lord that hates gays and reading!” And then that lord dies and they all go “We stand with the other lord that hates gays and reading!”

Littlefinger meets with the Tyrells and suggests that they haul ass out of the area. Loras is not thrilled about this, but eventually sees the wisdom in not dying. In a very cool moment, Littlefinger asks if Margaery wanted to be a queen, to which she replies “No…I wanted to be the Queen.” And then she doesn’t remove her dress, even though it would have been a good button to the scene.

KING’S LANDING!

Tyrion and Cersei seem to hang out a lot for two people that hate each other. Cersei laughs off Tyrion’s concerns about Team Stannis marching their way, and assures him that the King is overseeing the city’s defenses. Which means that Cersei is overseeing them, because King Joffrey is busy overseeing hooker fight clubs.

Tyrion sets out to investigate both Cersei’s plots and her schemes, and gives us this week’s LancelLOL, terrifying Lancel enough that he falls out of a tiny dwarf sized litter. Tyrion having a dwarf sized litter seems weird to me, since he’s not the kind of person to be like ‘I’m a tiny person that needs tiny things!’ so I’ve decided that he only had it made so that Lancel would fall out of it. Justification!

Tyrion discovers that Cersei’s defense plan is having pyromancers create wildfire. At first I thought she meant that the band Pyromancer was going to perform their album Wildfire at the city gates. HELLO KINGS LANDING WE ARE PYROMANCER! THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT! Pyromancer is a side project of Ogre Mage. It turns out that it’s just a few thousand jugs of napalm that they’re going to fling with catapults. Tyrion informs the head pyromancer that he now works for him and dismisses him so that the crazy old man can return to asking the Questions Three at the Bridge of Death.

Tyrion. All of these paragraphs started with ‘Tyrion.’ I am a poor writer.

IRON ISLANDS!

God damn, Theon is ugly. He’s ugly in that ‘so many girls want to fuck him for some reason’ way. You know that ‘I’m on meth’ look that makes ladies put on the blowjob hat? Anyway, he gets  his ship and his crew thinks he’s an idiot and they won’t listen to him. Probably because he fingerbanged his sister. And then one crew member comes to help him out AND IT’S CHRIS FINCH FROM THE OFFICE!

Muchos Tequilos later, Theon and Chris Finch seem to have come up with a scheme involving Winterfell… and hopefully, Finchy’s single barrel pump action yogurt rifle.

Fingers crossed that Mathew Holness plays Mance Rayder.

Holy shit that got me excited about watching The Office. But not you. You have to keep reading.

WINTERFELL!

I wish Bran would stop being a bitch about having legs that don’t work (#northpeopleproblems) because he’s actually doing a pretty good job as a mini lord while Robb is off winning at Westeros Warcraft 2 (the secret is archer towers). Rickon is with him, being a crazy little asshole. I want Rickon to fight the Go Go juice girl from Toddlers in Tiaras. Shaggy Dog can be there so that it’s a fair fight.

Bran is told that a town near Winterfell is being attacked and orders Winterfell’s small remaining force to leave and defend the Stark bannermen, leaving Winterfell defenseless! Could this be part of the plot that Theon and Chris Finch were giggling about in their canoe? PROBABLY.

QARTH!

We get some baby dragons, and then some tension between Dani’s handmaidens. And then at Xaro’s party, we get some tension between Dani and her bloodriders. And then there is some tension between her and Xaro, who suggests that if they get married, he’ll fund her invasion of Westeros. After that, there’s tension between her and Jorah Mormont because he’s always saying ‘that’s probably not a good idea, your Grace.’ We also get a really great monologue from Mormont explaining why he loyally follows the beautiful Targaryen, who has thankfully unchapped her lips. It’s a moving moment, but doesn’t completely pull the trigger on the obvious ‘Jorah wants to bang you’ story we will undoubtedly get in the future.

Also, a lady that looks like Iron Man if Iron Man made his helmet out of woven rugs knows who Mormont is. What was that about?

Also, these guys:

Shit a shadow baby and maybe we’ll talk. Open mic trolls, am I right?

BEYOND THE WALL!

The Night’s Watch sets up camp at the Fist of the First Men. While they do this, everyone bitches about how the First Men got slaughtered when they set up camp here and how it’s a terrible idea. So they stay. Naturally. The Halfhand shows up and out grizzles everyone. They talk about the army Mance Rayder is gathering in the mountains. Halfhand wants to put together a small team to kill the Wildlings manning any beacon fire outposts. That’s right Basterds, Halfhand wants his scalps. Jon ‘The Wolf Jew’ Snow joins up.

 HARRENHAL!

Arya meets up with Jaqen H’ghar, who tells her that for the three lives she saved two episodes ago he now owes the Red God three deaths to keep balance. Arya merely has to tell him three names and he’ll get it done. She names The Tickler, the torture guy from last week, and Jaqen kicks off what is still one of my favorite sections from the books: The ‘Arya tells Jaqen names and Jaqen kills them’ section.

Arya’s also working as Tywin Lannister’s cup bearer. In front of his war council, Tywin has Arya admit she’s from the north, and asks what they are saying about Robb Stark. Arya replies that he rides a direwolf and can’t be killed. When pressed if she believes that, Arya stares Tywin down and says ‘anyone can be killed.’ It is awesome.

Also, Gendry gets all shirtless making a sword and I have to admit, I sort of got a boner. It wasn’t even a sexual thing. It was just my penis’s way of acknowledging who the alpha male in the room was.

Ok, seriously buddy. You’ve gotta go

And that’s what you missed on Dark Ages Glee.

Thrones Post Game: Garden of Bones

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! Crazy, right? FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

Episode four, people! Last night we all got on my buddy Bob’s giant ass couch that he calls the teddy bear picnic to watch Game of Thrones and ARE THOSE NEW LOCATIONS IN THE OPENING CREDITS CAN ANYONE SEE MY PANTS TENT? To the map!

A Battlefield!

Two guards are just dropping lasers on Renly Baratheon being gay when Grey Wind murders one of them mid piss. Then a bunch of dudes shout ‘King of the North!’ and Robb and company makes their charge. ‘Mid piss ambush’ seems to be Robb’s version of a Zergling rush, and you’d think at this point the Lannisters would change some rules on guarding, peeing, and fence building for their camps. Important note: the guards referred to the soldiers of each house as ‘lions’ and ‘wolves’ for the first time I’ve noticed it in the series and it pleased me. It pleased me greatly, ser.

By morning, the Northmen have mopped everyone up and Robb has a very flirty conversation with a hot nurse. I remember how badly I wanted to bang my wife the first time I watched her saw a screaming man’s foot off, too. Her name is Talissa and Robb is clearly smitten as she rides off into the sunset and I make a fart face because she’s not in the books.

Was the made up hooker not enough?

Camp Renly! 

Kid Gladiator AKA Lil Fingerz AKA Petyr B arrives at Camp Renly and gets a little sucking up done with the King of the Beards. I’ve decided that each king is the King of Something. Robb is the King of the North. Renly is the King of the Beards. Joffrey is the King of the Fucking Crazy People and Stannis is King of the Cold, Distant Step Dads that Will Never Love You, Not Like Your Real Dad Did.

Petyr drops by to see Cat Stark, who is not thrilled to see him. He argues that he did his best to support Ned and also offers terms: Sansa and Arya for the Kingslayer. He leaves out the part where no one knows where Arya is. And then he drops Ned Stark’s bones off and peaces out like his name was Pimpfingerz AKA King of the Tidy Mustaches.

And then he saddles up to Margie Tyrell who stays clothed for their conversation. Petyr suggests that her marriage to Renly is a little odd, since he’s currently balls deep in her brother three tents back. Tyrell shrugs him off. Remember, she’s played by Natalie Dormer, and in the paper rock scissor world of Game of Thrones, Dormer beats Littlefinger, Littlefinger beats Melisandre, and Melisandre shits shadow babies on Dormer. And I think that Arya is lava.

Renly and Stannis have a parlay. The Red Lady suggests Renly look to his sins and Stannis promises that his brother will die if he doesn’t drop his claim to the throne. I love Stannis. He’s not good, and he’s not bad- he’s just technically right about the succession and is the most stubborn, cold person in the world.

Qarth!

Thank the Seven that one of Dani’s outriders found a city, because I was getting tired of them sitting there dying every episode. Stormborn, the Blood of the Dragon, the Unburnt and Chapped of Lip gathers her little brood and head for the merchant city of Quarth Qarth. She meets the Thirteen. They are the 13 richest merchants that run Qarth. So Qarth is run like the United States, AMIRIGHT? Occupy! Yes we can!

Dani refuses to show these guys her dragons, so they plan on leaving her outside the gates to starve and die, until one of the 13, Xaro Xhoan Daxos (thaaaaaaaaaaat’s my name tooooooooooo) accepts responsibility for the group and lets them in as his guests. And then he passes Dani a chapstick.

PUT THIS ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW KHALEESI OK THANK YOU

King’s Landing!

Everything that happened on King’s Landing in this episode was incredibly pleasant and very similar to an episode of Friendship is Magic.

Ugh. Joffrey has discovered a love of crossbows. He is a big fan of pointing them at a crying Sansa while the court looks on. He can’t kill her, so he decides to have her beaten and stripped. Tyrion storms in pissed and saves the day, and we discover that while Joffrey is crazy, he’s still not bold enough to speak up to his uncle. So that’s a good thing. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Also, in this week’s episode of Lancel LOLZ, Lancel tries to act all bad ass with Tyrion and the Imp terrifies him into being a loyal spy. Oh, Lancel.

Tyrion wonders if maybe Joffrey is crazy because he really needs to get laid. All men watching the show kind of nod and agree with this assessment and Tyrion buys the king some whores.

And then the king has one of the whores beat the hell out of the other while he watches. Because fucking hell, that kid.

Harrenhal!

Let’s pause and talk about how amazing this series is. When I read the books, I have to admit that aside from King’s Landing and Winterfell, I pretty much picture every castle as the same pile of rocks with different banners. When I read about Harrenhal, it’s the same but in a minor state of disrepair.

Holy shit, production team! Harrenhal is TERRIFYING. Usually the adaptation of a book leaves you rolling your eyes at the sparseness of the meal the adaptation hands you. So far, Game of Thrones has fed us and wrapped up leftovers. I can’t remember the last time an adaptation actually enhanced the book for me.

Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie find themselves as guests in Harrenhal, where everyone gets tortured and killed. Arya has started her prayer of people she’d like to murder to get herself to sleep. Gendry is saved from torture when Tywin Lannister arrives, and is less than thrilled that possibly good laborers are being killed, setting the group free and putting them to work. He chooses Arya to be his new cup bearer and then demands to know the location of the Ajanti Dagger.

“My brother Noompsi has forgiven me!” 

The dark and full of terrors night!

Stannis has this conversation with Davos:

Stannis: Do you miss being a smuggler?

Davos: Nope. Pretty happy with my new life. I’ve cleaned up my act, now I’m a knight, and my wife and sons have the opportunities that they never would have had if I was still skulking into caves at night stealing things and helping assassins sneak into camps.

Stannis: I need you to go skulk into a cave tonight and help an assassin sneak into Renly’s camp.

Davos: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

The assassin turns out to be the Red Lady herself, Melisandre. They banter a bit in their canoe, and we learn that Carice van Houten was cast as Mel because she gives both boners and the creeps when she talks. It’s tougher than you think and she deserves a Golden Globe.

The two discover that the passage to the camp has been barred. That’s when Melisandre drops her robe, shows off a sudden super pregnant belly, and gives birth to a shadow baby while poor Davos shits his pants.

And THAT’S how you do a cliffhanger!

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

I am assuming that Talissa the Sassy Nurse is actually Jeyne Westerling and they’re trying to beef up Robb’s want to marry her over a Frey. Which I’m totally fine with, and it makes Jeyne a much cooler character.

Everyone keeps telling me that the shadow killing Renly and Davos seeing Mel crap a shadow baby happen in two different scenes but this is actually the way I remember it from the books so WELL DONE, TV SHOW.

So excited about Jaqen H’Ghar. Arya’s evolution into a murder machine is going to be so much fun to watch. I’m hoping that the series ends with her holding Bella Swan’s head by the hair and screaming ‘Valar Morghulis.’

Also, I am so excited to see Joffrey fucking die. It’ll be pretty damn satisfying.

Thrones Post Game: What Is Dead May Never Die

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

We’re three episodes in to Season 2 of Game of Thrones and things are beginning to pick up in dear Westeros! While the first two episodes had to dedicate most of their time to catching the audience up on WHERE EVERYONE IS, ‘What Is Dead May Never Die’ kicked things into gear and got us crazy close to hitting 55 miles per hour. Let’s take a look at the map!

King’s Landing!

Tyrion began playing his Game of Hands against the King’s Small Council by telling variations of the same plan to Pycelle, Littlefinger, and Varys to find out who would rat to the queen first. The queen confronts Tyrion with the Pycelle version of the story with a fantastic show of rage between Cersei and Tyrion that will hopefully not be their last, and Pycelle gets the classic ‘in bed with a whore one moment, being dragged out by barbarians, a dwarf, and Bronn the next’ treatment. Man. College, right?

IMPORTANT OPINION YOU WILL FIND NO WHERE ELSE ON THE INTERNET: Tyrion is a fantastic character. He’s not a good guy, but he recognizes that his family can’t stay on top constantly being the douche bags that they are and is desperately trying to steer them on a decent path. Not that Joffrey is capaple of finding a decent path: if his encounter with Batman at a young age couldn’t do it, how much hope does the Dinklage have?

Katie Holmes should have let him burn.

Littlefinger ain’t happy to be a part of Tyrion’s tricks, but is probably a little happier to be dispatched by the Hand to treat with Catelyn Stark. Did you know that Littlefinger is the Kid Gladiator of Game of Thrones? I DROP TRUTH LIKE BOMBS.

Varys and Tyrion trade riddles in the dark decently lit room in a fantastic scene about the ideas of where power really comes from. It’s nice to see season 2 take the time to dig into the theme instead of constantly being in a hurry to catch you up on what everyone’s doing.

Poor Sansa has a dinner that comes dangerously close to Will Ferrell reminding Cersei that he drives a Dodge Stratus, while Mrycella and Tommen get some screen time in. Moments like the youngest Lannisters getting some character development in make me thank the Seven that Thrones wasn’t made into a series of movies. I’m looking at you, Harry Potter and the Half Assed Supporting Cast.

Did they both die? I can’t even remember. Those movies were terrible.

And in further Sansa developments, Shea is introduced as her new handmaiden. Maybe they’ll make out. Whatever, they’re both stupid.

North of the Wall!

The Night’s Watch is still camped out in Craster’s creepy little keep. Not a whole lot going on here…Sam falls in love with one of Craster’s daughterwives and gives her a thimble before leaving to reattach his shadow. Jon Snow had discovered that Craster offers his baby sons to the White Walkers and that Craster knew that he knows, and after a cryptic chat with Mormont, knows that the Bear knew what he knew already, which is surprising to Jon because he assumed that Mormont didn’t know what Craster knew that Jon had known. Did you know that? …Of course.

Winterfell!

The awesome POV wolf dreams continue! We get to see Summer as a grown direwolf! Also, Hodor! Bran attempts to explain his dreams to Luwin, who gently explains that there is no magic left in the world. It’s like the atheist response to Gandalf’s monologue about heaven in Return of the King. The movie, not the book. In the Lord of the Rings books, if it was long enough to be a monologue, it was a song.

Iron Islands!

Theon continues to be a bitch, especially in the shadow of his father and sister. Remember when he fingerbanged her? That was gross. It looks like he’s not going to hang on to any loyalties to Robb and that the Squids are gonna attack the North. They’re trying to make him sympathetic and conflicted, but remember when he fingerbanged his sister?

En Route to The Wall!

Arya can’t sleep, and Yoren shares a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay: chanting the name of his brother’s killer.

The Gold Cloaks show up for Gendry with backup and Yoren dies because he shared a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay with Arya. Arya frees Jaqen from getting burned alive and tells the Cloaks that the now dead Lommy was Gendry. And then they all get captured.

Also, Arya totally looks like Daniel Radcliffe from Sorcerer’s Stone.

Camp Renly!

Ser Loras is bested in a tournament by the very awesome Brienne of Tarth! Brienne is given a place in King Renly’s Kingsguard, and Renly is given the prize for ‘Best Crown.’ Seriously, it’s an awesome crown. Other things happened at Camp Renly, too. Cat Stark showed up and there was some talk of things and to be honest, I wasn’t paying attention. Natalie Dormer was on camera. She’s playing Margaery Tyrell and she’s Highgarden royalty along with Loras and she’s been married to Renly to combine his forces with Highgarden and then she takes her top off and holy shit, Natalie Dormer.

Something something Renly who cares?

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

Yoren teaching Arya her prayer was a slight deviation from the book, but it game the episode an awesome ‘Captain America’s shield is in Tony’s workshop’ moment that I really loved.

I hate Shae in the books. I also hate her in the show.

Whereas in the books, I start to get bored when we’re not on a Jon Snow or Arya chapter, I’ve started to really favor the Dany stuff in the show.

When does Hagrid find Arya and say ‘yer a member of the assassin’s guild, ‘arry?’

 

 

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ DANCE WITH DRAGONS

They should have named Reek Sisterfingers AMIRIGHT?

It’s a shame Luwin doesn’t live long enough for those Children of the Forest that look like the Mirkwood Elves from the Hobbit cartoon to show up.

Shut up and look at my balls, Bran! LOOK AT THEM!