Tag: tywin

Game of Thrones Post Game: A Man Without Honor

by Joe Starr

We’ve come to it: The first episode of Game of Thrones that I didn’t really enjoy. About half of it ran like a collection of deleted scenes that would have been cut for running time. But still I carry on- for I, who can be followed @joestarr187, am the man that must write the jokes! TO THE MAP!

BEYOND THE WALL!

I’ll say this: ‘A Man Without Honor’ was boring as hell until Ygritte finally said her catch phrase, and then the episode literally took off running. I’m not even sure where to start. Jon and Ygritte woke up. She made a boner joke. Then they walked around for a while. Then we watched scenes with other characters that accomplished nothing. Then Jon and Ygritte walked around some more. Ygritte said ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow,’ and the heavens opened up, and light cascaded down onto the nerdy indoor kids that devour these books. Meaning me. Then we watched scenes with other characters that were much better than pre ‘know nothing Jon Snow’ scenes. And then Ygritte got away and led Jon right into a rebel encampment. Those uniforms look familiar… Are they on Hoth? If they’re on Hoth, then if Jon finally bangs Ygritte he had better say ‘and I thought they smelled bad…on the outside!’ At least we’ll know that he’ll shoot first.

Burn.

WINTERFELL!

Really? You’re going to open the show with Theon and his gross rape whistle nipples? Fun fact: Girls that think Theon is hot are to dorkdom what girls that were like ‘grrl don’t u judge Chris Brown u don’t know him’ are to hip hop.

Anyway, Theon isn’t happy about the Stark kids escaping. I’ll give him this: the reaction on his face when one of his guys laments that ‘the giant must have taken them’ was pretty priceless. But seriously, fuck this guy for terrorizing Winterfell and its twelve residents.

Meanwhile, Bran and Rickon are making their escape with Hodor and Tonks from Harry Potter. Honestly, I can’t remember her name right now and I’m too mad at her to look her up.

Why U a hater Joe Starr?

I’m a hater because there are supposed to be two awesome kids named Jojen and Meera Reed helping the gang escape and teaching Bran about his weird dreams, but it looks like they’re rolling the characters into Osha. I totally get that there are already too many characters and sometimes for an adaptation, people have to go and that Game has done a remarkable job juggling its massive supporting cast but, well, this one got me a little butt hurt, ok?

Just a little butt hurt.

Oh and Theon comes back to Winterfell with two burned up little boys. Are they Bran and Rickon? Would HBO have really passed up the opportunity to burn two young main characters alive on screen?

THE ROBB ZONE

Robb meets with Redshirt Lannister, who informs him that Cersai isn’t all that impressed by his being the King of the North. Robb rewards him by putting him in a cell with Jaime Lannister. AND WHAT A REWARD IT IS. Wait for it.

Lady Nurse drops in and lets Robb know she needs supplies to treat the wounded and suggests that the Westerlings of the Crag, whose surrender Robb is leaving to oversee will have them. Robb suggests she just come with him and get the supplies herself, which she doesn’t seem crazy thrilled about. Or does she? Is she someone important? SPOILER ALERT: She stole the dragons!

Redshirt Lannister might as well be a 14 year old girl/46 year old creepy dude in a cell with Justin Beiber. He is gushing to be in a cell with Jaime Lannister. We haven’t seen much of Jaime, so he’s back with a vengeance: The two have an awesome scene about how Redshirt once squired for Jaime and Jaime squired for Barristan Selmy and how amazing it was. And then Jaime beats him to death so that a guard opens the cell. And then Jaime chokes out the guard and bails. This is why I’m assuming there are more than 20 variations of a ‘Fuck Yeah Jaime Lannister’ tumblr. The Kingslayer deserves every animated gif the world makes him.

He’s not out for long, however. He gets dragged back and the camp is pissed. And Catelyn Stark needs him alive to trade him out for her daughters. So her and Brienne are gonna do something real dumb. Like, really dumb.

That scene with Jaime and Redshirt was so good though. Thank god Ygritte said her catchphrase or the whole episode could have been Daenerys making frumpy faces. And speaking of frumpy faces…

QARTH

Dragons are still gone. Daenerys yells at some people. She has a repeat of last week’s chat with Jorah Mormont. That weird blanket face lady is back and she’s sort of stupid. The Warlocks have the dragons and kill the Thirteen. Xaro Ducksauce reveals himself to be The Outsiders’ third man and crowns himself the King of Qarth, brother.

“You know something, Mean Gene…these dragons can stick it, dude”

Qarth is stupid in the books, too. We can’t get out of here fast enough.

KING LANDING

Oh shit, Sansa is bleeding out her vag! Now Joffrey gets to hit her with props have kids with her! Shae tries to help her hide it but then The Hound finds all that blood on the sheets! It’s like a Judy Bloom novel: ‘Are you there God? It’s Me Sansa and This Guy With a Burned Face Knows I Had My First Period.’

But don’t worry! It’s…Cersei to the rescue? Cersei was weirdly nice to everyone in this episode. I’m getting scared that the next one is just going to with a ‘Cersei slits all the throats’ montage. She has a quiet scene with Sansa where she tells her that love is a weakness she should only give to her children, and then an even touchinger scene with Tyrion of all people. But would it have killed them to give us a hard cut to of Bronn making a funny reaction face at the end?

HARRENHAL

I can’t say enough good things about Tywin and Arya. The whole show could be about them with ravens flying in every now and then to give updates on the other 106 characters and I’d be ok with it. Every now and then Tyrion and Bronn could stop in because they’re staying in the guest house. It’ll be like a Neil Simon play. Except good.

Overall, this was a rough episode. It meandered and dragged and a few killer scenes and performances carried it across the finish line. You know, like the Dark Knight. Oh really? It’s a perfect movie? What was your favorite scene that didn’t have a Heath in it?

The boatz wuz so dramatic!

Man. I’m really negative today. See what happens when you take away my Reeds? I turn into a little bitch. A little Reedless bitch.

 

Thrones Post Game: The Ghost of Harrenhal

by Joe Starr

I had high expectations for tonight. After all, last week ended with a lady pushing a shadow baby through her Labia of Light. Were my expectations met? Did I still laugh every time Xaro said his name? Are you following @joestarr187 on Twitter yet? TO THE MAP!

CAMP RENLY!

Remember in Final Fantasy 3 when General Leo from the Empire makes peace with the Returners and the Village of the Magi and they all wave to the camera and the game does a fake happy ending and then OH SHIT HERE COMES KEFKA? You don’t? Well… me neither. Old video games are stupid, right?

…

Anyway, ‘The King of the Beards’ Renly Baratheon and Catelyn Stark get to have a similar scene. They make peace between the Beards and the North and gleefully hold hands and giggle and end the war. Credits! And by ‘credits,’ I mean that shadow man that Melisandre squeezed out stabs Renly through the chest and he fucking dies.

Guards jump in and blame the murder on Renly’s bodyguard Brienne of Tarth and try to kill her, which is stupid. Look at her. She’s like 9 feet tall. Brienne doesn’t want to leave Renly’s body, but Catelyn convinces her that she can’t avenge Renly if she dies. And if she stays, she’s dead. No one is going to buy the ‘shadow person’ defense in Westeros. It’s a shame she doesn’t have Cochran. “If the shadow stalks, Brienne walks!”

HEY GUYS THE 90’S.

After they bail, Renly’s people all join up with Stannis. It’s like the Republican primaries this way. “We stand with the lord that hates gays and reading!” And then that lord dies and they all go “We stand with the other lord that hates gays and reading!”

Littlefinger meets with the Tyrells and suggests that they haul ass out of the area. Loras is not thrilled about this, but eventually sees the wisdom in not dying. In a very cool moment, Littlefinger asks if Margaery wanted to be a queen, to which she replies “No…I wanted to be the Queen.” And then she doesn’t remove her dress, even though it would have been a good button to the scene.

KING’S LANDING!

Tyrion and Cersei seem to hang out a lot for two people that hate each other. Cersei laughs off Tyrion’s concerns about Team Stannis marching their way, and assures him that the King is overseeing the city’s defenses. Which means that Cersei is overseeing them, because King Joffrey is busy overseeing hooker fight clubs.

Tyrion sets out to investigate both Cersei’s plots and her schemes, and gives us this week’s LancelLOL, terrifying Lancel enough that he falls out of a tiny dwarf sized litter. Tyrion having a dwarf sized litter seems weird to me, since he’s not the kind of person to be like ‘I’m a tiny person that needs tiny things!’ so I’ve decided that he only had it made so that Lancel would fall out of it. Justification!

Tyrion discovers that Cersei’s defense plan is having pyromancers create wildfire. At first I thought she meant that the band Pyromancer was going to perform their album Wildfire at the city gates. HELLO KINGS LANDING WE ARE PYROMANCER! THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT! Pyromancer is a side project of Ogre Mage. It turns out that it’s just a few thousand jugs of napalm that they’re going to fling with catapults. Tyrion informs the head pyromancer that he now works for him and dismisses him so that the crazy old man can return to asking the Questions Three at the Bridge of Death.

Tyrion. All of these paragraphs started with ‘Tyrion.’ I am a poor writer.

IRON ISLANDS!

God damn, Theon is ugly. He’s ugly in that ‘so many girls want to fuck him for some reason’ way. You know that ‘I’m on meth’ look that makes ladies put on the blowjob hat? Anyway, he gets  his ship and his crew thinks he’s an idiot and they won’t listen to him. Probably because he fingerbanged his sister. And then one crew member comes to help him out AND IT’S CHRIS FINCH FROM THE OFFICE!

Muchos Tequilos later, Theon and Chris Finch seem to have come up with a scheme involving Winterfell… and hopefully, Finchy’s single barrel pump action yogurt rifle.

Fingers crossed that Mathew Holness plays Mance Rayder.

Holy shit that got me excited about watching The Office. But not you. You have to keep reading.

WINTERFELL!

I wish Bran would stop being a bitch about having legs that don’t work (#northpeopleproblems) because he’s actually doing a pretty good job as a mini lord while Robb is off winning at Westeros Warcraft 2 (the secret is archer towers). Rickon is with him, being a crazy little asshole. I want Rickon to fight the Go Go juice girl from Toddlers in Tiaras. Shaggy Dog can be there so that it’s a fair fight.

Bran is told that a town near Winterfell is being attacked and orders Winterfell’s small remaining force to leave and defend the Stark bannermen, leaving Winterfell defenseless! Could this be part of the plot that Theon and Chris Finch were giggling about in their canoe? PROBABLY.

QARTH!

We get some baby dragons, and then some tension between Dani’s handmaidens. And then at Xaro’s party, we get some tension between Dani and her bloodriders. And then there is some tension between her and Xaro, who suggests that if they get married, he’ll fund her invasion of Westeros. After that, there’s tension between her and Jorah Mormont because he’s always saying ‘that’s probably not a good idea, your Grace.’ We also get a really great monologue from Mormont explaining why he loyally follows the beautiful Targaryen, who has thankfully unchapped her lips. It’s a moving moment, but doesn’t completely pull the trigger on the obvious ‘Jorah wants to bang you’ story we will undoubtedly get in the future.

Also, a lady that looks like Iron Man if Iron Man made his helmet out of woven rugs knows who Mormont is. What was that about?

Also, these guys:

Shit a shadow baby and maybe we’ll talk. Open mic trolls, am I right?

BEYOND THE WALL!

The Night’s Watch sets up camp at the Fist of the First Men. While they do this, everyone bitches about how the First Men got slaughtered when they set up camp here and how it’s a terrible idea. So they stay. Naturally. The Halfhand shows up and out grizzles everyone. They talk about the army Mance Rayder is gathering in the mountains. Halfhand wants to put together a small team to kill the Wildlings manning any beacon fire outposts. That’s right Basterds, Halfhand wants his scalps. Jon ‘The Wolf Jew’ Snow joins up.

 HARRENHAL!

Arya meets up with Jaqen H’ghar, who tells her that for the three lives she saved two episodes ago he now owes the Red God three deaths to keep balance. Arya merely has to tell him three names and he’ll get it done. She names The Tickler, the torture guy from last week, and Jaqen kicks off what is still one of my favorite sections from the books: The ‘Arya tells Jaqen names and Jaqen kills them’ section.

Arya’s also working as Tywin Lannister’s cup bearer. In front of his war council, Tywin has Arya admit she’s from the north, and asks what they are saying about Robb Stark. Arya replies that he rides a direwolf and can’t be killed. When pressed if she believes that, Arya stares Tywin down and says ‘anyone can be killed.’ It is awesome.

Also, Gendry gets all shirtless making a sword and I have to admit, I sort of got a boner. It wasn’t even a sexual thing. It was just my penis’s way of acknowledging who the alpha male in the room was.

Ok, seriously buddy. You’ve gotta go

And that’s what you missed on Dark Ages Glee.