Tag: joffrey

Game of Thrones Post Game: Blackwater

by Joe Starr

This Saturday at the Little Modern Theatre in Hollywood, I’ll be joining comedians Karl Hess, Ron Babcock, Asterios Kokkinos, and more for a PreGame of Thrones show! It’s free, it’s at 10:00, and it’s going to be awesome. Follow me @joestarr187 blah blah blah. 

Let’s get it out of the way: This was one of the best episodes of television I’ve seen in years.

It’s so nice to like something and have it meet your expectations. I love pro wrestling because I’m from Kentucky and drink a lot of Mountain Dew. But it’s almost always terrible. Like, 80% awful. But I still love it. It’s an abusive relationship.

So thank you, Game of Thrones. Thank you for earning my nerd boner. Especially considering that the episode’s director had to drop out, and Neil Marshal (directed Centurion) stepped in with a week’s notice!

Now let’s back up: Game of Thrones has developed a bit of a rep for someone yelling ‘CHARGE!’ at the start of a battle and then cutting to something else and then only showing the aftermath of the fight. To be fair, the book does this too.

So this episode was for every off screen battle, and every voice cracking nerd shriek of ‘why aren’t the wolves in every shot?!’ Ladies and gentlemen, an entire episode dedicated to the brutal Battle of Blackwater, written by the author of A Song of Ice and Fire himself, Old Fat Gandalf (sort of like old fat Elvis, but Gandalf). There was no ‘talking in circles Daenerys’ scene. No Sisterfingers fingering his sister. Just a brutal, high production value all out war that made those elves at Helm’s Deep look like a bunch of elves at Helm’s Deep.

LANCEL WE NEED A GURLZ NIGHT

The episode starts with the reveal of a bad ass fleet and then a guy pukes. In the puke barrel! Now, is he puking because he needs to  puke or is he puking because he’s next to the puke barrel? THE TAO OF GAME OF THRONES.

Davos and his son have a heart to heart. What I’ve loved about GoT so far is that they’re great at making bonding moments not seem like ‘we’re both gonna die in a minute’ chats.

Tyrion and Shae have some pillow talk, and Shae promises to bang him like it’s his last night on earth. And it STILL doesn’t seem like they’re gonna die in a minute. Guys that write Michael Bay movies: please take notes. Also, stop writing movies for Michael Bay.

Is anyone else getting antsy wondering if Daenerys has decided she can trust Jorah Mormont or not? No? K.

Meanwhile, Bronn leads the boys in a few songs and pimps a few hoes… That is, until The Hound shows up. They’re two Alpha Dogs, like Denzel from Training Day and Ethan Hawke from the end of Training Day. Just when the two are about to go at it, Bronn is saved by the bell! Time for the fashion show in Lisa Turtle’s locker!

As Tyrion gears up for battle, Varys seems pretty concerned about Stannis’ red priest. He asks if the Dinklage believes in the old powers, and suggests that his being cut had something to do with the dark arts. Maybe Melisandre crapped a shadow Bobbit? Yeah, that joke just happened.

HEY GUYS THE 90’S

By the way, let’s pause for a moment because Podrick is awesome.

The bells of King’s Landing are sounding to warn the city of Stannis’ fleet. Davos hears the bells and gives the order to respond with dubstep. Davos must have been fun at his son’s career day. “Ah’m a crabba. Mah fatha wos a crabba. This is a bag with mah finger bones in it.”

Bronn and Tyrion get some banter in. Damn it, Old Fat Gandalf wrote the shit out of this episode. CHARACTER ENHANCING BANTER. RARE. Send Brian Michael Bendis a raven!

Sansa swings in with one of my favorite scenes- praying for Tyrion’s safe return…just as she prays for the king’s. And then she shuts down the king’s swagger with a few questions about where he’ll be when the fighting starts…I like tv show Sansa! Maybe book Sansa will end up like her at some point? Please?

I know Peter Dinklage is getting a lot of love, but Jack Gleeson deserves an Emmy. This kid is killing it as Joffrey. And by ‘kid’ I mean ’20 year old.’ Remember when Superbad was so much funnier because you though Jonah Hill was some teenage prodigy someone discovered? That’s kind of an unrelated thought, but… remember?

Ain’t It Cool News biopic=cast

King Joffrey joins Tyrion on the wall with the Hound and Lancel (so you know shit’s gonna get Lancelarious). Joffrey isn’t thrilled about the lack of fleet in the bay, and gets pretty frustrated that Tyrion isn’t respecting the fact that he’s the guy wearing the Ed Hardy shirt from Ross.

Cersei gathers the ladies in her clubhouse and has some wine with Sansa… I’m gonna skip most of this in the recap. This stuff could have been trimmed, but it’s a minor complaint when you realize how much of this episode ISN’T spent wondering WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

Cersei gets one of the lines of the night, though: ‘most of these women are in for a rape!’ It almost sounds like a David Brent line but Lena Headey just crushes the delivery.

Tyrion floats a ship into the midst of Stannis’ fleet leaking wildfire, and in one of the coolest shots ever captured on camera, Bronn fires off the arrow that obliterates the Baratheon fleet in wash of green flame. Green flame hasn’t looked this perfect since Big Trouble in Little China. This recap is usually super jokey and has a lot if stupid references in it, but lets put that on hold for a moment: this sequence was beautiful. It was brutal and horrible and beautiful and perfect. It was visceral in the way that most filmmakers think that throwing millions into CG can be but never is. Episode 9 of season 1 gave us the jaw dropping, quietly gut wrenching sequence of Ned Stark’s execution. Episode 9 of season 2 delivers a similar awe inspiring moment with wildfire.

Weiners.

Despite losing his fleet, Stannis gives the order to storm the shores with the third best inspirational battle speech of the night:

Some guy: Hundreds will die!

Stannis: Thousands. COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY.

Suck it, Braveheart.

The Hound leads the defense outside the walls and starts cutting people in half like the throat ripping sequence in MacGruber. But he’s got that thing with fire and the whole bay is on fire and so he bails, giving us the second best inspirational battle speech of the night: “Fuck the Kingsguard. Fuck this city. Fuck the king.”

Well said.

And Lancel got shot with an arrow! “Lancel doesn’t get shot in the books,” whines a guy who’s an idiot who doesn’t understand how lucky we are that this adaptation isn’t The Golden Compass or The Dark is Rising. We even got a LancelLOL when Cersei theons his arrow hole! COME ON!

Joffrey bails. Of course. So we get a speech that is not only the best of the episode or the series, but a battle speech that makes ‘THIS IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!’ look like an intercom announcement about Werthers Originals at a CVS in Van Nuys.

Peter Dinklage, man. Tyrion rallies the troops and defeats the wave of invaders at the gates, only to see a much larger wave charging in. “Oh fuck me.” Again, well said.

Cersei sits on the Iron Throne with Tommen, telling him a story while she waits for death to rush into the throne room. Sansa locks herself in her room and has a great scene with the deserting Hound, who offers to take her home to Winterfell.

Tyrion gets his face more or less sliced off, but gets rescued by Podrick (remember? awesome.) and as he falls he sees a calvary charge of rescuers! Is that…RENLY?

Stannis being dragged away by his men screaming at them for being pussies was awesome. Stannis would have the best Tigerbeat cover ever. “My 16 favorite laws and some people that broke them that now hang!” 

Of course, it’s not really Renly: It’s Loras, wearing Renly’s hat.

It seems Highgarden has saved King’s Landing.

The Lannisters have a powerful new ally.

That means more Natalie Dormer.

This is the best episode ever.

Thrones Post Game: The Old Gods and the New

by Joe Starr

True story: I had a lot of margarita in me during last night’s Game of Thrones. Have you followed me on Twitter yet @joestarr187? Would you like to jump to the map?

WINTERFELL!

 Ugh. Theon.

The drug dealer from your high school that banged all of the girls you had a thing for has conquered Winterfell in the lamest way possible: with TRICKERY AND SKULLDUGGERY. He made a feint in a nearby town, and Winterfell sent the best of what was left to meet the threat. Theon’s crew snuck in and planted a flag. It’s honestly a pretty brilliant storytelling move. Theon is the lamest and worst, and Winterfell is the coolest and best. From the beginning of the series, Winterfell has been a completely safe, powerful beacon of hope in the North. It’s the home of the Starks, and if you aren’t a Stark in this show you’ve probably killed a baby or punched a whore to death. So it’s infuriating that Winterfell is conquered in the lamest way possible by the lamest guy on the show: Theon Sisterfingers, First of His Name. In just one scene, Theon goes from a bathroom break character to a guy that I would pay extra to see stabbed to death.

“WHATCHA GONNA DO, GREYJOY… WHEN WINTER RUNS WILD ON YOU?!”

Despite his promises to Bran that no one will be hurt, Ser Rodrik is captured by the Iron Islanders and spits on Theon. And then he gets beheaded. Actually, beheaded is too nice of a word for it. If it takes more than 8 strokes, it’s more of a cranial mangling.

Osha the Wildling hits Theon’s weakness: doing it with chicks. Later, after he’s passed out dreaming of selling bad ecstasy to middle school ravers, she sneaks Bran, Rickon, Hodor, and their wolves out of the castle.

They paid the iron price for those pacifiers.

Time for Osha and the Little Starks Adventure Time! It’s the best Fellowship ever! “You’ll have my crazy eyes.” “And my wolf!” “Also my crazy wolf!” “HODOR.”

ROBB ZONE!

Somewhere in between Walder Frey’s castle and King’s Landing…IT’S THE ROBB ZONE!

The King of the North spots Talisa the Nurse taking her 15 minute break. And now we know she’s not a real nurse because she’s be smoking and drinking coffee out of a paper cup. Robb calls her out on being Of Noble Birth (new band name) and she doesn’t deny it, but she doesn’t tell him who she really is, either. I feel better about her now, because I’m pretty sure she’s a character from the book being introduced in a fun different way. There’s actually A LOT of stuff in this episode that isn’t in the book, and I’ve really loved all of it. Anyway, Catelyn Stark shows up and Robb’s like ‘hey mom, this is Talisa’ and Catelyn’s like ‘mind your breeches tent, you’re engaged already.’ Not mentioned: The giant woman in armor Catelyn has brought back with her.

“Damn! Who is THAT bitch?”

And then they get a raven from Winterfell. So that sucks. Has a raven delivered good news yet? Upon learning that Winterfell has been conquered by his former friend and former extra from the movie Go, Robb is ready to march back North. However, Roose Bolton convinces him to stay in the field and let his son handle retaking the castle. Robb agrees, but wants Theon alive. Because he’s out of weed.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Qhorin Halfhand, Jon Snow, and a few redshirts take out a wildling watchpost. Jon takes a wildling named Ygritte prisoner because ‘they can interrogate her.’ But we all know what’s really going on here: Jon has fan questions about what it was like on the set of Downton Abbey. She escapes and Jon pursues, getting separated from the group. He recaptures Ygritte as night falls, and they’re forced to sleep together for warmth. Ygritte doesn’t see anything wrong with a little bit of bump and grind. Jon Snow is an abstinent virgin. This is going to get wacky.

KING’S LANDING!

Myrcella is sent off to Dorne, and the King’s escort is caught in an unruly and angry crowd. Someone throws a poop at King Joffrey and he demands that the crowd be executed. This is not a good decision. The crowd riots and the High Septon gets ripped apart. Literally. Everyone goes Romero and his arms get pulled off. Tyrion does his best to handle the situation and get everyone out safely. He also smacks the hell out of Joffrey. Very satisfying. Sansa Stark is rescued from a group of would be rapers by THE HOUND, who totally has his ‘t-rex shows up just in time to eat these raptors’ moment. He roars and a ‘Game of Thrones’ banner flutters down in front of him. Have you ever seen Star Kid, that super hero movie that Tim from Jurassic Park did? You should see it.

What if Bran got this suit? OMG FANFIC

HARRENHALL!

So, this Tywin/Arya stuff isn’t in the book. Arya serves as the cupbearer to some random dude and Tywin never even shows up at Harrenhall. And who cares? Not me- the Tywin/Arya angle is my favorite part of the show. “What got your father killed, girl?” “Loyalty.” GOLD.

Littlefinger shows up and you just know that he recognized Arya but didn’t play his cards cuz that’s not how a True Boss does. However, Arya is caught stealing information about troop movements by a member of Tywin’s war council and has to play her second Jaqen card. Arya insists that the deed has to be done NOW. The knight knocks at Tywin’s door and falls forward dead with a dart in his neck. I wish Arya had saved 86 people because I could watch a ‘Arya tells Jaqen to kill someone and he is charming in that weird way he talks and then kills them’ scene every week for the rest of the series.

QARTH!

Ok, I’m starting to think that Dani is going to make a bad queen. So far her strategy is to demand things from people and then make a shaky passionate speech at them when they turn her down. And the speech always just makes them turn her down more. You’re the Daughter of Dragons. We’ve got it. You’re also getting sort of annoying. Oots, someone stole your dragons. Oh, are you going to do a speech? Is it going to sound like this?

“By the Blood of my Blood I will have my children returned. Into the fire I walked and returned as the Unburnt: The Mother of Dragons. Whoever has taken my children has taken the blind fury of the last Targaryen’s rage and it will drown them. I will retake my children in fire and blood and burn those who would deny me what’s mine. Also Khal Drogo.”

It’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?

MIC DROP

Thrones Post Game: What Is Dead May Never Die

by Joe Starr

Hi! I’m Joe! I review Game of Thrones for Geekscape and sometimes write other things too! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @joestarr187

We’re three episodes in to Season 2 of Game of Thrones and things are beginning to pick up in dear Westeros! While the first two episodes had to dedicate most of their time to catching the audience up on WHERE EVERYONE IS, ‘What Is Dead May Never Die’ kicked things into gear and got us crazy close to hitting 55 miles per hour. Let’s take a look at the map!

King’s Landing!

Tyrion began playing his Game of Hands against the King’s Small Council by telling variations of the same plan to Pycelle, Littlefinger, and Varys to find out who would rat to the queen first. The queen confronts Tyrion with the Pycelle version of the story with a fantastic show of rage between Cersei and Tyrion that will hopefully not be their last, and Pycelle gets the classic ‘in bed with a whore one moment, being dragged out by barbarians, a dwarf, and Bronn the next’ treatment. Man. College, right?

IMPORTANT OPINION YOU WILL FIND NO WHERE ELSE ON THE INTERNET: Tyrion is a fantastic character. He’s not a good guy, but he recognizes that his family can’t stay on top constantly being the douche bags that they are and is desperately trying to steer them on a decent path. Not that Joffrey is capaple of finding a decent path: if his encounter with Batman at a young age couldn’t do it, how much hope does the Dinklage have?

Katie Holmes should have let him burn.

Littlefinger ain’t happy to be a part of Tyrion’s tricks, but is probably a little happier to be dispatched by the Hand to treat with Catelyn Stark. Did you know that Littlefinger is the Kid Gladiator of Game of Thrones? I DROP TRUTH LIKE BOMBS.

Varys and Tyrion trade riddles in the dark decently lit room in a fantastic scene about the ideas of where power really comes from. It’s nice to see season 2 take the time to dig into the theme instead of constantly being in a hurry to catch you up on what everyone’s doing.

Poor Sansa has a dinner that comes dangerously close to Will Ferrell reminding Cersei that he drives a Dodge Stratus, while Mrycella and Tommen get some screen time in. Moments like the youngest Lannisters getting some character development in make me thank the Seven that Thrones wasn’t made into a series of movies. I’m looking at you, Harry Potter and the Half Assed Supporting Cast.

Did they both die? I can’t even remember. Those movies were terrible.

And in further Sansa developments, Shea is introduced as her new handmaiden. Maybe they’ll make out. Whatever, they’re both stupid.

North of the Wall!

The Night’s Watch is still camped out in Craster’s creepy little keep. Not a whole lot going on here…Sam falls in love with one of Craster’s daughterwives and gives her a thimble before leaving to reattach his shadow. Jon Snow had discovered that Craster offers his baby sons to the White Walkers and that Craster knew that he knows, and after a cryptic chat with Mormont, knows that the Bear knew what he knew already, which is surprising to Jon because he assumed that Mormont didn’t know what Craster knew that Jon had known. Did you know that? …Of course.

Winterfell!

The awesome POV wolf dreams continue! We get to see Summer as a grown direwolf! Also, Hodor! Bran attempts to explain his dreams to Luwin, who gently explains that there is no magic left in the world. It’s like the atheist response to Gandalf’s monologue about heaven in Return of the King. The movie, not the book. In the Lord of the Rings books, if it was long enough to be a monologue, it was a song.

Iron Islands!

Theon continues to be a bitch, especially in the shadow of his father and sister. Remember when he fingerbanged her? That was gross. It looks like he’s not going to hang on to any loyalties to Robb and that the Squids are gonna attack the North. They’re trying to make him sympathetic and conflicted, but remember when he fingerbanged his sister?

En Route to The Wall!

Arya can’t sleep, and Yoren shares a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay: chanting the name of his brother’s killer.

The Gold Cloaks show up for Gendry with backup and Yoren dies because he shared a comforting monologue about the prayer he would use to keep the horrible things he had seen at bay with Arya. Arya frees Jaqen from getting burned alive and tells the Cloaks that the now dead Lommy was Gendry. And then they all get captured.

Also, Arya totally looks like Daniel Radcliffe from Sorcerer’s Stone.

Camp Renly!

Ser Loras is bested in a tournament by the very awesome Brienne of Tarth! Brienne is given a place in King Renly’s Kingsguard, and Renly is given the prize for ‘Best Crown.’ Seriously, it’s an awesome crown. Other things happened at Camp Renly, too. Cat Stark showed up and there was some talk of things and to be honest, I wasn’t paying attention. Natalie Dormer was on camera. She’s playing Margaery Tyrell and she’s Highgarden royalty along with Loras and she’s been married to Renly to combine his forces with Highgarden and then she takes her top off and holy shit, Natalie Dormer.

Something something Renly who cares?

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ THE NERDY BOOKS

Yoren teaching Arya her prayer was a slight deviation from the book, but it game the episode an awesome ‘Captain America’s shield is in Tony’s workshop’ moment that I really loved.

I hate Shae in the books. I also hate her in the show.

Whereas in the books, I start to get bored when we’re not on a Jon Snow or Arya chapter, I’ve started to really favor the Dany stuff in the show.

When does Hagrid find Arya and say ‘yer a member of the assassin’s guild, ‘arry?’

 

 

SPOILER SECTION FOR NERDS THAT READ DANCE WITH DRAGONS

They should have named Reek Sisterfingers AMIRIGHT?

It’s a shame Luwin doesn’t live long enough for those Children of the Forest that look like the Mirkwood Elves from the Hobbit cartoon to show up.

Shut up and look at my balls, Bran! LOOK AT THEM!