With Transformers: Fall of Cybertron coming out on August 28 and releasing more and more amazing footage every week, it’s time to start thinking about the Robots in Disguise. Like, more than I usually do.
Lists of bad ass Transformers are easy to make. Here’s one you’ve probably see before, off the top of my head: Springer Sixshot Cliffjumper Prowl Sunstreaker Blitzwing Cyclonus Grimlock Soundwave Starscream. Yay.
But there were a lot of G1 Transformers. And chances are, there were some bad asses sitting right under your nose you weren’t even aware of. Just blending in perfectly, like a blue cassette player. So this list is for the uncelebrated but awesome: those other mechs that were severely bad ass but probably never even met a Prime in person because a bunch of Dinobots were hogging the line.
SNAPTRAP
Ok sure. The guy is a turtle. But look at him. He’s a giant robot snapping turtle covered in guns. He’s like a tank that can also bite you to death. According to his bio, he really enjoys killing and gutting his victims. So he’s sort of a Decepticon Dexter, except instead of balancing being a father with working for the police and serial killing, he turns into a big robot death turtle. Is he turquoise and purple? Yes. You know what that means? It means he’s a murder boss that can pull of turquoise and purple. Also, at some point, like every Decepticon was turquoise and purple. Including…
SPINISTER
Guys, I have a lot of rotating parts and I’m pretty evil. Pitch me some names. This guy doesn’t just have the best name in Transformerdom, he may have the best name in doms, period. He turns into an attack helicopter like Nick Cage flew in the hit classic Firebirds, and he’s mysterious. Like, super mysterious. And his guns turn into robots, too: Singe, a guy driven to villainy by a woman (aren’t they all, really?), and Hairsplitter, a middle management robot version of Lumburg. So play nice, Hot Rod, or these guys are gonna take your girl, your stapler, and your life.
STREETWISE
He’s part of an emergency vehicles unit. He’s a crime scene specialist. He’s a robotic David Caruso. Looks like the situation with this dead Prime is….optimal.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AFTERBURNER
Most the Autobots are kind of push overs. Grimlock is a tough guy but he’s also got paint chips syndrome. Afterburner, however, is an authority hating dickbar who along with his fellow Technobots forms Computron, the smartest robot, so he’s not dim, either. At some point Optimus Prime was watching the Breakfast club, pointed at Brian and Bender and said ‘merge them and give him a gun. Also, make him turn into a light cycle from Tron.’
SLINGSHOT
Another awesome Autobot: Slingshot is better than everyone. He’s even better than how good he thinks he is. If there had been Twitter on Transformers, Slingshot would have owned it. No one even likes the guy, but he probably has more robot sex with chick robots than anyone else on the Ark. He’s not a robot that turns into a jet. He’s a jet that turns into Kanye West. HANG ON GALVATRON IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT MEGATRON WAS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME! ALL TIME!
BLAST OFF
Are you not sure about getting into Transformers but love Downton Abbey? Look no further then this guy, who is basically like an evil newspaper owner that is going to marry Mary Crawley in every way except that he also turns into a spaceship. “Get these Decepticons out of here! They are downstairs Decepticons and we are upstairs, with the upstairs Decepticons!”
DOUBLECROSS
I mean, look at him. He’s a big two headed dragon. What’s not to like? Also, his toy shot sparks, so goodbye fur on your cat’s tail. He’s like Grimlock if you gave Grimlock a second head and got rid of the learning disability. All around very helpful.
CHROMEDOME
So, this guy was a Headmaster, which meant that his head turned into a robot when he transformed into a car. And yes I know that they weren’t robots- they were Nebulons that went through a binary process to merge with their host robot but eat me. Chromedome is a crazy smart mathematician and his head friend (that sounds awful) is Stylor, a d-bag jock bully. It’s like having a Louis Skolnick and Ogre in the same body! And that’s comedy efficiency!
MOTORMASTER
He’s the Decepticon’s diesel truck with a trailer. The guy was made to be an evil Optimus Prime. Basic rules of cartoon villains should tell you that this is an awesome thing. But Motormaster doesn’t stop there. He also fights dudes with a chain sometimes. And he’s in charge of a team of stunt driving race cars. So he’s basically Vin Diesel with his Fast and the Furious guys backing him up and they merge to form a giant super robot called Come At Me Bro Convoy.
POWERGLIDE
Somewhere between Zoidberg and Zapp Brannigan, there’s Powerglide. He turns into an A-10 Thunderbolt II Warthog, and for the longest time he was the only Autobot that could fly, unless you count Skyfire, And I never count Skyfire. Powerglide seems to have had the best romantic track record, too. I don’t know, there’s just something charming about a guy that refers to himself as the ‘Sultan of the Sky.’ He’s like a pilot from the Pacific that your grandfather always tells stories about, and who is also secretly your real grandfather.