We’re back with Avengers vs. X Men: Round 2! If you missed my review of #1, it’s right here. Before you get caught up, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter so you can tell me I’m a dick for my opinions at @joestarr187. All caught up? Let’s do this.
Things pick up right where they left off: with a helicarrier full of Avengers decloaking over Utopia with jets scrambling and Colossus being hurled at it. He crashes through, and like Spider Man says, Avengers vs. X Men is actually happening.
Red Hulk pairs off with Cojuggerlossusnaught and Namor punches the holy hell out of Thing with Luke Cage on the ring apron ready to tag in and bring the Sweet Christmas to the Prince of Atlantis. I love the Hulk. Hulk dialogue will never surprise you, especially if it starts with ‘So you’re the strongest on <insert place here>?’ You know he’s going to say that he’s the strongest there is. But no matter what color he is, when he says it, it’s always awesome.
Captain America brings a wave of Avengers to the shore and gives the command for his hastily drawn comrades to take the beach. Cyclops, complete with a Cap shield dent in his visor, gives the order for the X Men to charge and the fight is on!
Not that it’s much of a fight. Seriously, Cyclops has Psylocke and some New Mutants and Dr. Nemesis charging into Wolverine, Iron Fist, Spider Man, Captain America, and a Giant Man. Not sure if it’s Pym or Stature’s dad. Remember the cartoon Samurai Pizza Cats? There was a comic relief B team called The Rescue Squad and that’s what Scott Summers has on the beach plus Psylocke. We can pretty much call the fight here, but this is a $3.99 comic, so we’ve got some pages to fill.
It’s time for the New Mutants to hang it up.
But things get better for the X Men because SURGE GETS A LINE! She says “why was I left off of a main roster but Vampire Jubilee is still around?” Actually, she only says “what the hell are they even doing here?” but she says it awesomely. She’s hanging out in a room with a giant window right next to the action with Pixie (Utopia’s Wesley Crusher) and some Lights watching the fight. Through a big window next to the battle. It’s the perfect place for Emma to stow Hope: an easily found room full of people Hope could easily incapacitate if she wanted to. I’m starting to think Cyclops got the short end of the schism stick as far as rosters go because the talent on this island is thin. Steve Rogers is just going to hang out in the ring and start jack knifing people while referees make three counts on guys he’s not even pinning.
“Did someone just reference me? I’m available for bookings! I played Super Shredder!”
This logic jump is forgiven, as we move into a cool Emma Frost vs. Iron Man and then Iron Man vs. Magneto sequence. And then we cut to Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch hanging out in their bonus room watching the fight on television. Did you call it a bonus room or a den? I think it’s only a den if your dad is the primary occupant. Dad=den, kids=playroom and mom=kitchen. AMIRIGHT?
Apparently there’s crazy fighting going on, but it’s not so crazy that CNN helicopters are about 100 feet from a Magneto fight filming it. I always love seeing super heroes lounging in their house. It’s important to note that Quicksilver is business casual when he watches television, but Scarlet Witch has yet to buy new clothes since she resurfaced, so she’s been catching up on Breaking Bad in full costume. Pietro decides it’s time to punch his dad in the face, and does so. Scarlet Witch stays home and writes in her dream journal. We know it’s a dream journal because it’s opened to the middle of the book and it says ‘Wanda’s Dream Journal’ at the top. The first half of the book is all Quicksilver/Scarlet Witch fanfiction written by Quicksilver. And it gets pretty gross.
Meanwhile, the mutants are pissed at Wolverine because his X Men book is the best one, and Storm and Black Panther are super pissed at each other because remember that they’re married? This had better end with her and Panther making a decision together and not them splitting apart, since they got married and then he started being Daredevil right away and so far their marriage has been stupid.
Hope watches the fight from closer than the CNN helicopters and of course she’s gonna get out because she’s being guarded by Pixie and a blue chick I don’t know the name of.
Cyclops gets his ass handed to him by Captain America, but manages to get a shot off at Wolverine. Props to Aaron- he manages to show more Schism between Scott and “the crazy fringe” Logan in one panel than all of Schism did in like 6 books.
And seriously, Cyclops just did a total job to Steve Rogers. It was rough.
Magik traps Dr. Strange in hell and takes magic out of the fight. She’s back to having goat legs, which is pretty cool if you like goat legs. She’s got a demon army with her, which is a good indicator of where Scott Summers’ head it right now. Spoiler alert: It’s in a place where goat legs and demon armies are an ok thing.
Danger warns Cyclops that Stark is shutting down their island defenses. I haven’t seen any island defenses yet so I’m not sure that this is something anyone should be worried about. When I think ‘island defenses’ I think of that sequence in Transformers: The Movie when Autobot City turns into nothing but guns. So far, Utopia’s defenses have been Hepzibah in a sports bra, and Dr. Nemesis, who always makes me think of Dr. McNinja.
Please join the X Club.
Wolverine and Spider Man sneak into a drainpipe like Slaughter and the Renegades breaking into the Terrordrome. They find Hope and she Phoenixes them. And then I think she burns Wolverine alive? So he’s dead. LOLj/k.
And then, in a gag out of Three’s Company, the Avengers burst through one door and the X Men burst through another and they all go ‘where’s Hope?!’ And of course Hope has bailed. And then the X Men and Avengers are trapped together in a small space and forced to work out their differences.
Meanwhile, in deep space, the rest of the Avengers are about to get fucked up by a giant cosmic firebird. I bet Ms. Marvel gets aced. They don’t have anything planned for her, right?
In my last review I ripped Romita’s art pretty severely and it continues to be a problem. I’m not going to beat a dead horse but there are panels where Iron Fist looks like a circle with a smiley face and that just sucks.
But Aaron is shining: I’m excited to see The Best Writer of All Time writing Avengers. The fight scenes are well staged- when Namor comes at Thing there’s a sense of history between the two and not just ‘this will sell comics!’ Likewise when Summers keeps focusing on Wolverine and airs his ‘we’re fucking step children to the Avengers’ grievances. This moment of aggression was earned by Marvel. It didn’t need Nitro blowing up kids. It may not have even needed Phoenix: Everyone is sick of everything. X Men are sick of being second thought garbage. Avengers are sick of world killing events. The X Men might cause one. So now the Avengers are sick of them. It’s been organic and well done, and you can read the reasons behind every punch.
ELSEWHERE… I also picked up Jason Aaron’s Wolverine and the X Men AvX tie in, and I suggest you pick it up. It’s fantastic and it also made me realize that the Jean Grey School is basically a school for mutants run by Avengers, which is kind of awesome. It’s also full of Gladiator and Kid Gladiator, and Chris Bachalo took more than 20 minutes to draw it.
NEXT ISSUE… Phoenix burns the world to ashes and civilization has to be restarted by Surge and Kid Gladiator! Excelsior!