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Geekscape’s Before First Class – What If An X-Men Movie Was Made In The Early 90s?!? by Joe Starr

With an announced sequel to X Men: First Class, and the rumors of a rebooted 1960’s Fantastic Four, retro Marvel is officially IN. This has led Geekscape to wonder: what if different Marvel franchises had actually been released in the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s?

Or, maybe you think it’s stupid to cast a Marvel movie in a different decade, justify the lineup, and pitch a plot. Well, that’s why we at Geekscape consider ourselves to be heroes, in a way. We waste our time doing the stupid things the world is afraid to do.

 The 90’s: THE X MEN

It’s 1994. X Men: The Animated Series is wildly popular, and the X Men are settling in as the most popular comic franchise of the decade. A movie spinning out of the popular Jim Lee designs of the animated series using its lineup has to happen. It just makes sense- why wait until 2000? It is only logical that the Uncanny X Men join the film legacy of 1994: The Flintstones. The Mask. Speed. Star Trek: Generations. Speed. Speed.

The pitch: All has been quiet in the mutant world since Magneto exiled himself to Asteroid M. Government tensions are at an all time high with the self appointed savior of mutantkind in orbit. The uneasy peace is shattered when Magneto is approached by The Acolytes and their leader Fabian Cortez, who manipulates Magneto and his followers into a declaration of war against the surface! And Gyrich is there, too! The only ones that can prevent a third world war? THE X MEN! Dwee do do be dooooo do do! Dwee do do be dooooooo do da! X MEN THEME SONG.

And who will play the mutants in a world that hates and fears them?

CHARLES XAVIER

Morgan Freeman? Are you crazy? SUCK IT, WORLD, YOU’RE CRAZY. There’s more to Xavier than being a bald white guy. He’s also wise, inspiring, and got his start doing Listerine commercials. Fresh out of The Shawshank Redemption, Freeman brings the cred as the telepathic founder of the X Men. Plus, it’s at least 30% appropriate that one half of Marvel’s civil rights metaphor is actually black. At least.

MAGNETO

Magneto. The exiled mutant leader and Holocaust survivor. Powerful. Intelligent. Charismatic. Handsome enough that Rogue constantly wants to bang him. Jeff Goldblum. Jeff Goldum you say? Don’t mind if I do. “Sure John, but at Disney, the Pirates of the Caribbean didn’t come to life and use their magnet powers to kill the flatscans.” Words we can all live by.

SCOTT SUMMERS

Val Kilmer. The man who would be Bruce Wayne would make a much better Scott Summers. Stoic. Serious. Handsome. He will be your wingman anytime. I can’t think of anyone in 1994 better groomed to lead the X Men into battle. Except maybe Zero Cool from Hackers. I thought long and hard on that one. Heh. Long. Hard. 90’s humor.

JEAN GREY

The woman who would be the weird character who wanted to bang Bruce Wayne. If Nicole Kidman could put up with Tom Cruise, she can deal with the enormous pressures of the Phoenix. And she can totally pull off constant fainting and shouting ‘Scott!’ and ‘Logan!’ That’s probably the audition. “Slate please. Now look right off camera here and shout ‘Scott.’ Thank you, you’ll hear from us soon.”

FABIAN CORTEZ

Is Michael Wincott super Fabian Cortezy? Possibly not. But was he the awesome bad guy in The Crow? Fuck yes he was. Can you see him being Jeff Goldblum’s right hand man and then (1991 spoiler alert) turning on him? Yes. Yes you can.

GYRICH

Gary Oldman. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, High Ranking Racist Pentagon Official.

STORM

Angela Bassett. Originally Vivica Fox, but we’ve really got to make some tough decisions about who could eventually look better with a mohawk in 1995’s sequel X Men and Jubilee (played by Angels in the Outfield’s Joseph Gordon Levitt).

ROGUE

Perhaps it’s just because I’m the president of the ‘this chick deserved a better career’ club, but Rogue goes to Kari Wuhrer. You know her from 8 Legged Freaks and Command and Conquer: Red Alert. I know her from pictures on AOL when I was becoming a man. And what stronger choice to make for the woman who can’t touch anyone than a woman that a 6th grader really, really wants to touch? It’s poetic and artistic. Like something Alan Moore would write. You guys know Alan Moore? He’s the greatest writer of all time. And he would love this movie. I’m 70% sure of that.

BEAST

James Spader was crushing the sci fi world as the geek that can also kick ass if he has to in STARGATE. Put blue fur on this man immediately! Fun fact: I bet they could have made him look better in 1994 than they did in X Men: First Class. BURN.

WOLVERINE

The Quick and the Dead’s Russell Crowe. He’s the best at what he does. And what he does is throw phones at people in 15 years.

GAMBIT

Cut from the film. Special effects weren’t available in 1994 to replicate his accent properly.

Editor’s Note: Screw you, Joe! You don’t want Van Damme in ANYTHING (except you)! And where’s my Brian “The Boz” Bosworth as Colossus?!?

HAVOK

Come on, how is this not better than Gambit? Rogue can fall in love with him AND he’s the angry younger brother of the team leader. And if the 90’s taught us anything, no one plays ‘angry young brother of the team leader’ better than CHRISTIAN SLATER. This really makes me wish that his character in Pump Up The Volume was actually Alex Summers and at the end his power manifests and he blows up all those FCC trucks. And then he yells ‘Stay hard!’

So who would direct this all out 90s X-Fest? How about a director who spent the end of the 80s making kick ass action film after kick ass action film?

KICK ASS 90s DIRECTOR

John McTiernan made Predator in 1987, Die Hard in 1988 and The Hunt for Red October in 1990. On top of his game, he then made the critical Sean Connery bomb Medicine Man in 1992 and broke Arnold’s hot streak with Last Action Hero in 1993. Ouch. We’d rewrite history to have McTiernan making an X-Men movie for 1994 instead during these dark years before he made Die Hard: With a Vengeance in 1995. How’s that for a career save? We can’t help him with 2002’s Rollerball though…

Well, we’ve learned a lot about me with this one. Mainly, that I wrote more about Kari Wuhrer than Gary Oldman, so I guess we get my priorities. Next week we’re turning the clock another ten years back to avenge the Reagan era! I want my where’s the beef! Members Only Jackets Assemble! I’m casting an 80’s Avengers movie.

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