I guess I’m out of the loop because until this picture of Anthony Hopkins as Alfred Hitchcock today I had no clue there was a bio-pic in the works. Having seen the impressive transformation I’m very excited for this film now! From Fox Searchlight’s blog:

Hitchcock is planned for a 2013 release and also stars Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh, Jessica Biel as Vera Miles as well as Helen Mirren, Danny Huston, Toni Collette and Kurtwood Smith. James D’Arcy plays Psycho star Anthony Perkins.

After being forced to sit and endure the double-feature of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and 2-Headed Shark Attack, I decided to give the finger to the evil duo of Mr. London and Mr. Kelly and watch something this week that didn’t look like an eye-raper.

Feeling rather festive with my rebellion, I turned to a promising looking Finnish movie— Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale.  I know it doesn’t sound nearly as amazing as 2-Headed Shark Attack, but my survival rate is much higher with this one and, honestly, I like surviving.

Always drink your Ovaltine.

Rare Exports is the third in a series of Santa-focused endeavors directed by Jalmari Helander, the first two being internet shorts titled Rare Exports Inc. (2003) and Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions (2005).  Assuming those two are of the same quality and idea of this movie, it’s safe to say that they’re pretty awesome.

Yes, I said it—I watched an awesome movie.  I admit I deviated from the recent spate of total suck in a major way as my rebellion bore non-Busey-related gingerbread man-shaped fruit.

Wordsworth would like you to consider the dandelion.

I will confess to being biased and, yes, having a major thing for the evil Santa Claus concept.  This started when I was a young little horror nerdling, sitting around playing Hunter: The Reckoning: Redeemer on X-Box.  You see, there’s this one scene where you stop at one of those mall-like Santa Claus areas and suddenly Mr. Claus walks into view and sprouts tentacles and pulls two giant (and angry, very, very angry) teddy bears with fangs out of his sack and it’s breathtakingly amazing.

But enough with my rhapsodizing about Tentacle Santa, let’s get to the reindeer meat of this movie.

Not reindeer meat.

Subzero Inc., a company purported to be engaging in seismic research on the border of Lapland, has been drilling into the Korvatunturi Mountain—not to further the field of seismology but, more deviously, to unearth the frozen Santa Claus.

Brilliant, right?  Free Santa Claus from his icy fortress of solitude so he can rain down presents on all the good boys and girls of the world.  That’d easily clear out the waiting list for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, no problem.

Also fulfills several wishes.

However, all is not as silent and holy as it seems as the butcher’s son, little Pietari, delves into old books on local folk lore after eavesdropping on the company’s plan.  In his reading, he discovers that Santa Claus is not the loveable old gent we all believe him to be, but is instead a giant beater, broiler, and eater of naughty children.

As Christmas quickly approaches, the drilling goes silent and the town’s source of income, a large herd of reindeer, is brutally slaughtered by what the townsfolk believe to be large wolves and Pietari takes steps to protect himself once he finds footprints on the roof outside of his second-floor window.

Footprints?! Must be a clue!

The night before Christmas Eve, all of the children—save Pietari— disappear and Pietari’s father discovers an old man has fallen into one of his wolf-pits, pierced through the chest by the wooden stakes at the bottom of the hole.

He takes the dead man into his butcher shop but soon discovers that, while mostly non-responsive, the man is alive and reacts violently to gingerbread cookies and little Pietari.  Soon two other men from town join him as they attempt to determine what to do with this odd old man and find that they may have captured something more strange and powerful than they bargained for.

Buy one naked guy, get several hundred others free.

This movie was wonderful, and so much more than what I expected from the usual Christmas horror movie.  It was clever.  It was truly, absolutely clever.  Helander managed to work in and warp all of our Santa-related Christmas mythology in a lovely little, almost Gaimanesque way that I don’t have the pleasure of seeing all too often.

Story aside, visually this movie was stunning.  The colors were intense, the shots wide and very dramatic— everything lent itself to the sort of fantasy setting this movie needed.  The acting was wonderful and the boy who played Pietari was perfect for the role, a silent, studious Data (The Goonies) that stepped up to the plate when everyone else was wallowing in Christmas confusion.

So start a fire (preferably in the fireplace), set out some milk and cookies, and queue up Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale on Netflix on Demand.  It’s that time of year, after all.  Right?

We’ve all wondered what would happen if our favorite pop culture characters were pitted against each other in mortal combat. Well we’ve got a few match-ups covered for you! In this exciting episode it is movie villains vs. super heroes. With the help of some trusty 20-sided dice and their vivid imaginations, Heidi and Stephen tackle just who would win and why. Prepare to be surprised and possibly delighted by the outcomes

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The second international trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man was released online today. It is longer and reveals a bit more about the film than its predecessors. Look: Aunt May!

I still have no desire to see this, but what do you think?

I’ve been eagerly waiting this one for quite sometime. It’s finally here….the first teaser trailer for the new sci-fi/time-travel flick Looper! The movie is written/directed by Rian Johnson (Brick & The Brothers Bloom) and stars Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emily Blunt. I’d give a synopsis but I figure watching the trailer will be far more entertaining. It opens across time and in a theater near you on September 28.


It’s April 12th and we’re still posting April Fools Jokes? Actually we aren’t.  Deadline has reported that Sony Pictures is “re-imagining” the classic Archie Comics title with some of the original publishers of the comic as the producers.  The site says about the movie ” it will be an origin story in the vein of Spider-Man, about a young girl coming to terms with her remarkable powers.”

Mark Walters is in line to direct the project, scheduling permitting. Casting is sure to be an interesting process that we’ll want to keep an eye on for this project, but as of now, relatively few details have been released from Sony. Stay tuned for further updates when we attempt to answer the pivotal question, “why bother?”

Director Alex Proyas, known for his visually stunning work on The Crow and Dark City, has announced plans to direct a film adaptation of Robert A. Heinlein’s The Unpleasant Profession of Jonathan Hoag.

The story begins when Hoag realizes he has no idea what he does at work all day. He hires detectives to follow him but quickly discovers that his amnesia may not be the most disturbing thing about his job…

Proyas is currently working on a screenplay based on the 1942 novella, reportedly a childhood favorite. Production company Red Granite will finance the film, which will likely be shot this fall in Australia.

I’m full of roiling hate, oceans of roiling hate containing gigantic sharks with teeth bigger than my rather immense forehead—which is appropriate, given the movie that Matt Kelly suggested I watch this week.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is a frightening example of what can happen when your sound guy runs amok with his dubbing.  I fear for my safety, I fear for the safety of my never-to-be-existent children, that one day they may find themselves unable to speak, only able to laugh like assholes whenever someone of a different race speaks to them.

"Do you like movies about gladiators?"

Directed by David Worth (Lady Dragon, Lady Dragon II), written by the duo who brought you the previous two Shark Attack movies (Scott Devine and William Hooke), this steaming pile of krill was released straight to video in 2002, allowing it to bypass the average person’s radar (lucky, lucky average person).

What was the average person missing?  Actors John Barrowman (Torchwood’s Captain Jack Harkness), Jenny McShane (um…), and Ryan Cutrona (24’s Admiral John Smith and Mad Men’s Gene Hoftstadt) doing battle with a giant shark.  Sounds pretty amazing, right?  We get somebody to zap in a torpedo-rigged TARDIS right into the belly of the beast, BOOM, no problem.

Well, that’s not what happens.  So much for your connections, Barrowman.

The end of every James Bond movie I've ever seen.

This feast of a film opens with a brief, barely related, and completely unnecessary prologue where a diver for Apex Communications falls prey to a drive-by sharking.  What this bit of background establishes for us is two things: 1) there’s a shark 2) while the movie may have been released in 2002, it was clearly shot in the 1970s.

Moving past that near-useless opening, we are introduced to Colima, Mexico’s Playa Del Rey Resort, manned and visited by robotic beings programmed with an unendingly creepy laugh track.  These robots, should they be of a feminine appearance, do not have the capacity of language and only communicate with their brethren with various combinations of moans, cooing, and sounds of surprise.  As for the males, the standard issue models are able to form simple sentences regarding their female counterparts, each sentence punctuated by mechanical laughter.

Unfortunately for these robots, a robot-eating shark has decided to spent some time at the resort’s beaches and soak up some rays and munch on some communications cable—you know, typical shark activities.

Unfortunately for this shark, Captain Jack Harkness is on the case.

Wait, what?  Not Harkness???  What, just some douche named Ben and a paleontologist who could only pass for Laura Dern on account on blondness?  Fuck this movie.

Shark-cam!!

Not-Harkness (Barrowman) and Not-Dern (McShane) team up with some aging ex-Navy guy (Cutrona) and flounce around Colima ogling the scads of bare breasts while uncovering shark-hiding conspiracies set in place by heads of greedy corporations.

What’s the conspiracy?, I will pretend you cared enough to ask.  Apex Communications is laying down miles and miles of communications cable underwater with the hope of wrangling billions of dollars from an international market, but there’s a problem… the cables emit such electricity that they’re waking up dinosaur sharks.

Okay, not “dinosaur sharks” like in ScyFy’s Dinoshark, but really big, supposedly extinct sharks called megalodons.  And these megalodons are attacking the shit out of anyone who happens to be in the area when they stroll down the cable route.  Yes, attacking the shit out of them.  It’s part of the circle of life, just accept it.

Apex has learned about this side effect of their cables and, instead of doing something like taking care of the problem, they’ve decided to just keep on with it and either someone else will kill the sharks or they’ll eventually run out of customers.  Either or.

Exhibit A: Man who was, indeed, attacked the shit out of.

With all of this asinine stupidity in place, there are four very redeeming parts of this movie.

1. A baby Megalodon decides to grab the rope of a helpless paraglider and slowly drags her kicking and screaming into the ocean where it can chomp her to little bits.

2. Caught in the midst of a ship cabin panty raid, Not-Dern pumps a round of lead directly into the thieving baby Megalodon’s mouth.  Immediately before this moment, Not-Harkness is seen whacking the shark’s nose with a baseball bat, screaming “Die, die, die!!”

3. After wrapping up their shark-assassination plan, the charming and suave Not-Harkness says, “I’m really wired.  What do you say that I take you home and eat your pussy?”

4. Mama Megalodon wakes up and starts eating boats.  Please see the pictures below, as words cannot possibly wrap around the concept of how awesome this is.

I'm a shark, I'm a shaaaaark!
Suck my diiiick, I'm a shaaaark!

In sum, this movie isn’t great.  The first three-quarters of an hour is pretty tedious and entirely worth skipping, but once those forty-five minutes pass, even Disney can’t generate this kind of movie magic.  So if you’re feeling like sharking it up tonight and getting your Megalodon on, sink your hundreds of pointy teeth into this baby on Netflix on Demand.

You might notice a slight delay between the recording and releasing of this episode and you can blame that squarely on Stephen. Regardless, you still get to hear which movies coming out in the next couple of months Heidi and Stephen are looking forward to and looking to avoid in the Brave Nerd World Spring Movie Extravanganza!

Already out…
●John Carter
●21 Jump Street
●The Hunger Games
●Bully

●Mirror Mirror
●Wrath of the Titans
April 4th
●Titanic 3D
April 6th
●Comic Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope

April 13th (Friday)
●Cabin in the Woods

●The Three Stooges
April 20th
●The Raven
●The Five Year Engagement
●Pirates! Band of Misfits

May 4th
●Marvel’s The Avengers

May 11th
●Dark Shaddows

●The Dictator
May 18th
●Battleship
●What to Expect When You Are Expecting
May 25th
●Men in Black III

In celebration of the 35th anniversary of the animated classic, Wizards, FOX has released the epic fantasy film on Blu-ray, complete with a commentary by legendary filmmaker Ralph Bakshi, who was able to take the time out of his busy schedule to sit down with Geekscape.  This is the third and final part of the series, you can find part one here.

A: This has always been a point of curiosity for me: Avatar.  When he pulls out the gun and shoots Blackwolf, I was sitting there, because movies have a formula, you know.  He’s not supposed to do that, even though sometimes we wish they would.  But He’s supposed to fight with magic and then the power of love will come and suddenly he’ll get a big burst of rainbow unicorns or something.  But he shoots him.  Which left me sitting there going, “He… he totally shot him.  He shot him with a gun after backhanding that Viking.  He shot him.”  I didn’t know what to think.  What was behind that choice?

RB:  It was for a lot of reasons.  One of the reasons I went into it was your thinking, secondly, look— Avatar was old.  He was tired.  I set up the whole picture showing that he wasn’t sure what he could do.  He was brave enough to go through it and he would try to keep everyone together, but throughout the picture he wasn’t sure of himself.  He made mistakes.  And towards the end what with Eleanor and all that had happened to him, when he was popping the flowers around—he was out of it.  There was no way that he could magically beat his brother.  The only way to stop his brother was with what his brother uses to hurt everyone, and that’s the gun.  Avatar had to win for the sake of his species.  What I also say, technology for the right reasons is fine, it’s technology for the wrong reasons that’s bad.  Avatar getting rid of Blackwolf is a right reason and he blew his brains away.  He could not beat him magically.  That’s why he called him a son of a bitch.  But he did it and it worked.  He got him, which is more important than anything.

A: Do you think he felt guilt for using technology or because he was willing to take that sacrifice for everyone that would it taint him somehow?

RB:  You’re very bright.  I’m not putting you on.  Picture two starts: everyone’s happy, but Avatar is off in the woods and he’s depressed.  He killed his brother, he just shot his brother.  He hated him, but he was his brother.  He used technology which he didn’t want to use—he dirtied himself.  He’s in a very bad way.  So that’s how picture two starts.  He’s leaving the community, they’re going home by themselves and he’s leaving because of these issues.  I wanted to show that even though he hates his brother, killing him was not easy for him to do.  He took the hit for everybody.  That’s religious to some Christian people, I would suppose—not that I am pushing that.  But he had to stop the death of all those wonderful creatures.  But he had let himself down and one’s self is very important, so I’m going to be discussing how people let themselves down by selling out, by not whistle-blowing.  So yes, you’re very right, picture two starts with Avatar in bad shape.

A: And Eleanor, she goes with him.  What’s the connection between the two of them?  It doesn’t exactly seem like what one would typically expect.

RB:  I’m not sure.  I’m an old man, I was old then.  Old men and young girls—I would change that.  I wouldn’t have—I heard the end the other day—I haven’t seen the picture since I made it, and I won’t see it.  I won’t look at any of my pictures.

A: Why?

RB: I’ll tell you in a second.  But when they rode off together, I was surprised at myself.  I wouldn’t have done that today.  I’m not sure what their relationship is.  Well, he’s sexually attracted to her, but I don’t know what her reaction is.  She’s toying with him, she loves him, she’s playing with him, she’s funny, she loves him enough to play with him in a way that makes him feel good.  She’s a good girl, she likes him that way— that’s the best I could come up at the time.  Past that, I wasn’t sure where I was going with that.  And now today, as an old man, I won’t go anywhere with it.  In other words, she belongs with Weehawk or she belongs somewhere else.  And that might be how she grows up, when he tells her, listen, now you’re on your own without me, this is what is means to become a full-fledged fairy, not hanging on to me.  I’d play it that way.

A:  So why don’t you watch any of your own films?

RB: Well, I’m not sure they’re as good as people say they are,  and I’m not sure that if I looked at them, I would like them myself.  So the only way I can maintain a certain position of agreeing with people is to not to see them again.  And I’ve always done that.  It’s a question of fear—I’m not going to see Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings because I don’t want him to have done a better picture than I did.  It’s a way of hanging a certain curtain in front of yourself.  People enjoy my movies and they send stuff in and they love the films and I want to agree with them.  The only way to agree with them is by not seeing the movies myself.  It’s a thing I have, but listen, once in a while I will walk by a screen and take a peak, and it’s not bad, what I see.  The picture that I can look at over and over again is CoonskinCoonskin I could look at forever, it was the greatest picture that I ever made.  Because it’s got all these ideas– Miss America, imagine Miss America being Palin before she was Palin.  It’s amazing.  But that’s why I don’t look at them.

A:  You said you would change the ending, or you wouldn’t do the ending the same way.  What would you do now?

RB: I bet it would be very happy.  Everyone would be dancing in the firelight and Eleanor would be dancing and singing and they’d be playing music, a great Lawrence of Arabia scene.  Everyone’s singing and dancing and and Weehawk would say, “Has anyone seen Avatar?” and I’d roll the credits.

A:  You said it’s supposed to be a trilogy.  Do you know what the third one is going to be about yet?

RB:  The third one will have to depend on how the second one works.  What happens in there will inspire the third one.  It’s always worked that way, one picture will get me to the next.  Heavy Traffic got me to Hey Good Lookin’ so each picture was a progression of ideas I learned from before moving on.   So I’d have to see what the second came out to be.  It could be terrible.  I could do number two and it could be a piece of garbage.  I don’t know how I did one, I haven’t the slightest idea of how I wrote that.  I haven’t the slightest idea!  I just sat down and wrote it and I obviously was a different person.  But that’s what I wrote and that’s what came out.  I don’t know what I’d write today.  I don’t know that I’d be around physically for the third one either.

A: If you complete Wizards II and you’re not around for three, is there someone that you’d feel comfortable doing it, or would you just hope that the right someone comes along and picks it up?

RB: It would be somebody in the studio that would be able to do it.  If I did II, there’d be a lot of kids in there that would have to rise to the occasion.  Matter of fact, all the kids that work for Pixar right now I hired them out of school to work on Mighty Mouse.  All of them  Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, all the top names at Pixar trained on Mighty Mouse.  And all those guys, they all started from Cal Arts.  I yelled at them.  And they’re really yelling at this kid, Andrew Stanton— they’re blaming him for John Carter on Mars.  Everyone’s yelling at this kid.  All the press have been down this as the biggest failure in the movies because it cost three-hundred fifty million dollars to make, like it’s his fault.  But I like the kid, I’m saying get off his back.

A magical princess shows you two doors labeled “Part One” and “Part Two”.  If you choose the door labeled “Part One”, turn to page 43.  If you choose the door labeled “Part Two”, turn to page 18.

Between the increased interest in comic book adaptations and the success of AMC’s The Walking Dead, Robert Kirkman is poised to become a real force in Hollywood. So it’s only a matter of time before we see a film version of Kirkman’s other hit comic Invincible.

With the right cast, it could be the next blockbuster franchise. So who would Geekscape like to see bring to life probably the coolest superhero comic book in the universe?

ZAC EFRON as INVINCIBLE

If only the goggles didn't hide those eyes...

Boyish good looks, perfect body, earnest eyes- has there ever been anyone more suited to play a superhero than Zac Efron? The High School Musical heartthrob has yet to find the role to propel him to super-stardom. Playing nascent hero Mark Grayson would require him to display both vulnerability and raw power.

For those who have their doubts about Efron’s acting chops, check out his charming performance in the little-seen Me and Orson Welles.

 

LYNDSY FONSECA as ATOM EVE

Pink is my favorite color...

Neither a female iteration of a male character nor a mere damsel in distress, Atom Eve has quickly become one of the strongest women in comics, and Lyndsy Fonseca is the perfect choice to convey that strength on film. Fonseca effortlessly lit up the screen as the girl next door in Kick-Ass, begging the question, “Wouldn’t it be more fun just to watch her kick ass?”

 

JON HAMM as OMNI-MAN

The moustache is fake. The rest is all Hamm.

Besides being the only man alive handsome enough to be credible as Zac Efron’s dad, Jon Hamm is also one of the finest actors working today. In the past few years, fans have suggested Hamm for the roles of both Superman and Captain America for the same reason he is perfect to play Nolan Grayson, the premier super hero of the world of Invincible: the steel authority he personifies in The Town and Mad Men.

 

BEBE NEUWIRTH as DEBORAH GRAYSON

Mom I'd Like to Film- wait, that still sounds bad.

Rounding out the best-looking family in movie history, Bebe Neuwirth is ideal to play Mark’s doting mother and Nolan’s long-suffering wife. The Emmy-winning actress is more than capable of portraying the pride and pain of the ultimate bystander.

 

PETER WELLER as CECIL STEADMAN

It's Robocop's turn on dispatch.

A former superhero himself, Weller has been alternating between good guy and sleazeball his entire career. The role of ruthless patriot Cecil Steadman would allow him to split the difference.

 

KANE HODDER as THE MAULER TWINS

Friday the 13th 2: Attack of the Clones

Kane Hodder played Jason Voorhees, the ultimate grunt, in four Friday the 13th films. He would be both fun and intimidating in a Social Network-style dual role as the contrary clones.

 

ORLANDO JONES as ANGSTROM LEVY

Mad Scientist TV

Funnyman Jones is one of those actors whose chameleonic range has kept him from becoming a household name. Playing nice guy scientist-turned-mutated villain Levy would give him the chance to show both his affability and acting chops.

So what do you think? Are you a fan of Invincible? Let us know who YOU’D like to see in a movie version!

In celebration of the 35th anniversary of the animated classic, Wizards, FOX has released the epic fantasy film on Blu-ray, complete with a commentary by legendary filmmaker Ralph Bakshi, who was able to take the time out of his busy schedule to sit down with Geekscape.  This is part two of the series, you can find part one here.

A: You don’t see anything in the world of animation right now that has some sort of real idea behind it pushing forward?

RB:  Well, I don’t know everything, I don’t see everything.  I see what people call adult animation, like Ren & Stimpy because of the vulgarity… but you got to tell me, I’m not out there watching it.  I live on a mountain in New Mexico, I paint pictures, I dropped out.  I came back because FOX was doing such a magnificent job on the Wizards Blu-ray and I do want to do Wizards II.  They’re doing a fantastic job.  They’ve gotten behind the film, for the first time, this new FOX and the people, they’re just taking the ball and running with it, and upper management is surprised at the great response we’re getting.

And Wizards II would have a lot of these ideas that I’ve been talking about because Wizards was about terrorists blowing up the planet and technology wiping away magic and right now, the planet is melting, the fish are dying, technology is ripping up everything.  I’m not against technology, unless it’s used for greed and bad purposes.  I love my cell phone, but I don’t like atom bombs.  So I think there’s a lot to say in Wizards II and, of course, the religion issue is big.  Everyone’s against everybody, Muslims against Christians, Christians against Hindus— it’s nuts, it’s just nuts.  After all these thousands of years we’ve been on the planet, look.  It’s all about religion and why?  Why is this?  It’s about people’s rights.  So Wizards II would have those kind of issues.  Now, if someone else was doing that in animation, then someone else would be doing it, but no one else is.  Those are the issues that I think should be discussed in animation, because it’s perfectly aimed to discuss issues.

A: So, you’re talking about Wizards II.  Is that something that’s in the works?  Is it going to be the same set of characters in the same world?

RB: It always was supposed to be a trilogy.  The fact that it took 35 years to get the next one started is not my fault. [laughter]  I’ve always been a slow learner.  Yeah, it’s the same set of characters but things have changed, you know.  Blackwolf dies, to give you a rough idea, and everything collapses, but then the mutants break off into separate little units with all these guys trying to become religious leaders of each group—they’re thinking they’re the new Blackwolf.  Then you have all the stuff under the ground slowly crushing together and forming this sort of internet of ideas but Blackwolf is dug up and put on a throne and wired to it.  So basically you have the beginning of the internet, the clash of religions, the various factions fighting, Avatar is trying to get home with the victorious people and is having a hard time, and Weehawk probably falls in love with Eleanor which gets Avatar furious.  And there’s old age.  I’m an old man now, and Avatar was always old, but now he’s really going to be old.  I have a hard time walking from here to my hotel and that’s affected the way I’m thinking, so I’ve been thinking about old men and young women, and I’m thinking there are some funny issues there to address.

But basically I want to discuss how the planet is dying and nobody cares and that there are certain people that say it’s not dying at all.  Rush Bimbo is on the radio every day lying to the American people for the rich companies and I’ll probably have a guy on talk radio like Rush Bimbo lying, because that’s all he does.  I get so mad listening to him.  He’s come close to calling my president a… never mind,  I think Obama is doing the best job he can under the conditions that he got and I’m going to vote for him again.  Yes, so Wizards II is in the works.

A: Are you going to be using the same animation style and team, or are you going to start hiring newer animators and designers?

RB:  All of the guys that did Wizards are dead.

A: All of them??

RB:  All of them.  My animators are dead.  You have to understand that when I came into the business, I was in my twenties.  The guys I hired were in their 60s and 70s.

A: I didn’t realize.

RB:  That’s why I’m telling you.  Some people you can’t tell this to—they don’t get it.  All the guys, when I came into the business, were all the older guys.  They had been laid off from Warner Brothers, MGM, and Disney.  All the studios closed down their film shorts—there were no more.  Animation in theaters was dead, so I hired these guys and they were unbelievably great and they understood what I was doing.  They supported my ideas and they supported my adult thrust.  The trouble I had was with the younger animators, believe it or not.  The younger animators thought I was toying with Disney and Disney’s legacy and the fact that they all adored Disney and loved Disney and worshipped Disney, then who was I to go in there with my accent—I’m from Brooklyn—and destroy that myth?  Because they all wanted to work for Disney and they all felt that they could only feel they were great if the Disney animators said they were great or if they animated like they did at Disney, so they were on the march to be another Disney.  I was on the march to kick Disney in his pants.  But Disney went to World War II in the studio but none of it represented the fact that Auschwitz was happening and that was nuts.  There was no Auschwitz.  It’s crazy.  With that kind of power you’ve got to do some films that mean something.

Yeah, I would hire new animators.  The technique would be the same, and the metaphor would continue to be technology versus magic, but now I think that all the technology would be computer animated.  But that’s perfect because it is what it is.  And all the magic would be animated just like the original Wizards but with new animators that would have to learn how to animate for real and stop using their machines.

I’ll have more money— Wizards was done on a million dollars!  That was almost undoable, if it wasn’t for my professional-grade animators, I wouldn’t have made it.  It was these guys that came behind me and I think that now the young kids would come behind me.  They didn’t then, which is hard—no one believes that, but it was the older guys who were tired of what they were doing!  They’d done all this stuff all their lives, they were grown men.  They couldn’t believe it, they were so happy at my studio.  They were so happy.  They’d come in and say, “Ralph, do you really want me to do this?” and I’d say, “Yep!” and they’d say, “You’ll really let me do this?” and I’d say, “Go do it, Irv, and leave me alone,” and they were great animators and they did it.  But they couldn’t believe that I was allowing them that kind of freedom.

So, yes, Wizards II would be done that way.  Old fashioned 2D animation, all new technology, and the internet which is so important.  We didn’t have the internet when Wizards was made.  It’s incredible.  Anything I want to find out, I push a button on Google and there it is.  It is mind-boggling—I do it all the time and it’s mind-boggling!  You go to the library and you spend a week trying to find the one book, and it’s such an unbelievable tool and, of course, it’s helping spread freedom in the world.  The whole Arab revolution is being done through the internet except the world doesn’t want to stop Syria from destroying those poor people because Russia enjoys that pain, Russia wants the oil.  It’s pretty sick.  Those are all the issues that I’ll bring up in Wizards II.  It wouldn’t be that blatant because the issues in Wizards were very nicely handled—you got the answers told in a magical story, so I won’t be heavy-handed, I hope, though maybe I would.  I don’t know.

A magical princess shows you two doors labeled “Part One” and “Part Three”.  If you choose the door labeled “Part One”, turn to page 43.  If you choose the door labeled “Part Three”, turn to page 36.

In celebration of the 35th anniversary of the animated classic, Wizards, FOX has released the epic fantasy film on Blu-ray, complete with a commentary by legendary filmmaker Ralph Bakshi, a still gallery, and—much to my delight, a 24 page booklet featuring concept art of the film as well as a brief background telling the trials and victories in producing the picture.  Bakshi was able to take the time out of his busy schedule to sit down with Geekscape and bring us up to speed on his views of the world, answer some questions provoked by the movie, and shed some light on his hopeful next project, the long awaited Wizards II.  This interview will be spread over the course of multiple articles, so check back to keep up with the story!

A: I wasn’t lucky enough to see Wizards as a kid— an ex-boyfriend of mine introduced me to it and I thought it was just amazing.  It was everything I had ever remembered from leafing through old fantasy art books, and that style of art and animation is something that I rarely see anymore, not to mention the intense ideological content that it had.  I feel like we have lost so much meaning in our cartoons and now it’s stuff like Sponge Bob Squarepants— which I know has its own place, but it saddens me that animation just doesn’t seem to have the meaning it used to.

RB: It’s interesting you should say that, and I’m totally in agreement with you.  When I first started making cartoons, Disney didn’t have meanings either, cartoons were sort of the bastardized medium done for children to merchandise things.  And it has continued on without real ideas—I mean animation is the darling of the industry.  It wasn’t the darling of the industry when I was animating.  But even in my day there were no ideas at all and that was my whole point: why make a film without ideas?  And why make a film talking to children when you can’t give children ideas?  We talk down to children.

I remember when I was a kid, I didn’t understand everything, but I understood I didn’t understand so I tried to find out.  So many people come to me who have seen this film as children and have said that they weren’t sure about what I was saying, but they knew that I was saying something that they had to understand and everyone says that to me—that they knew it had ideas, they respected that, and they felt better about themselves that I wasn’t treating them like idiots.

I think that today, when I watch television animation and things like Cars 2 and Toy Story 3, I mean, why bother making those films when it’s all benign film or asinine bad toilet jokes?  You know, I was telling someone about Fritz, how you could take all the violence and sex out of the film— whatever there was—but the ideas were still there: the racist issues, white kids coming down to go to college from rich families and starting revolutions, and the minute the trouble really started, they ran away and whoever was left had to fend for themselves.  Black people, man, they had to fend for themselves.  It was all full of ideas and about revolutionaries and about greed.  Fritz had its own ideas—past the extranea everyone jumped on—that’s what all my films try to be to the best of their abilities.

Yeah, I don’t see it today and I don’t understand it.  But then again, I don’t understand what happened to the banking community, and I don’t understand why we spent ten years in Afghanistan and I don’t understand why we spent all that money and people are starving in America, and I don’t see what’s going on, I haven’t a clue anymore.  I grew up in a different time when money wasn’t the issue—ideas were.  In the fifties, when I grew up, my time, there were great things happening in art.  Pollack was painting, there was great music with jazz: Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Thelonious Monk.  It wasn’t about money— nobody was doing that for money, everyone was just doing it to do it.  So I grew up where the ideas were important but now everyone’s getting rich, and getting rich is important.  You know, you can’t get animators today, they’re making fortunes working at these companies and that’s great and they want to hold onto their money so they’re not rocking the boat.

A:  When do you think that shift happened, when it stopped being about ideas?  Was it immediate or more of a gradual move?

RB: Look, I don’t know everything, but I think the shift came at Kent State when those kids were shot, when the United States government opened fire on its own students that were protesting peacefully and that order was given to the National Guard to shoot.  When JFK was killed, when Martin Luther King was killed, when Robert Kennedy was killed, when Malcom X was killed—an awful lot of people were shot.  So the revolution stopped cold there, their ideas stopped cold there, and something changed at that point in the country, the country shifted somewhere else and— as with everything else—that’s been slowly, year after year, permeating until we have nothing left but money and greed to strive for.  Things don’t happen overnight, so that shift— to me— started then.  Now I’m not calling it a coup, but I would say it was.  In other words, you couldn’t put together all those people killed, who were all pretty much thinkers of people’s rights, without it affecting the country.  So all the young kids thought, whether they realized or not, that they better stop, they better stop revolting, they better sit down and shut up because they’re going to get killed and they can’t win anyhow.

So if you ask me when it shifted, which I think is a great question, and I’d get plenty of arguments on this, I’m sure, but that’s when I think it shifted and continues with a slow progression until today.  I mean, how could this country elect Bush in twice?  How could we be in Afghanistan for ten years?  How could only the poor people be fighting for this country?  I can’t understand it.   The same people keep going back on tours over and over and that’s crazy, I mean, no one gets out.  They keep sending the same people in and they’re mainly from the poorer class, so the poorer class is fighting these wars for the richer class, who are sitting there ripping off everybody, and the banks and everything are going crazy with the real estate market and the bad loans and blah, blah, blah.  I see Santorum trying to put church and state together and people are voting for him.  That’s what’s happening today, and that’s what Wizards II will be about.  I’m not politically minded, I’m just looking at it honestly and saying that, in the world I came from, I saw the soldiers come home from World War II and I saw how we felt proud of them, but the black soldiers still had to go to the back of the bus.  We kids said, “No!” and that taught us a lesson.  So, yeah, I think it changed when people started getting assassinated for their ideas, when people started getting killed for their ideas.

A magical princess shows you two doors labeled “Part Two” and “Part Three”.  If you choose the door labeled “Part Two”, turn to page 25.  If you choose the door labeled “Part Three”, wait until Monday to open the door.

Early this week, Mr. Matt Kelly said, “Hey, Allison, you should review Birdemic for your weekly column.  It’ll be great!”  And me, being the innocent and so naïve person that I am, trusted him and sat down to watch it.

What I thought would be an experience of greatness, of a bad movie along the lines of so many other bad movies that I love, turned out to be the equivalent of attending an eighth grade science fair where most of the children are severely autistic and prone to rocking back and forth while braiding lanyards and forcing them upon the hapless attendees, then shanking any male passersby if they are wearing Old Spice.

Possibly an eagle, possibly bad CGI.

Birdemic was released in 2008, having spent a theoretical four years in production—the delay attributed to the slow personal funding of writer and director James Nguyen (Tidbit: the IMDB biography of Mr. Nguyen contains the phrase, “Also known as Master of Romantic Thrillers Among the new generation of auteurs in the 21st Century”), and panned with such incredible intensity that it became a cult classic.

Personally, I can’t imagine sitting through this film ever again, so to imagine that there’s a large group of people out there that actually enjoy watching this flaming pile of cloaca is quite difficult.  Then to face myself with the task of hand writing letters to each of them explaining why they’re wrong… it’s rather daunting, but ultimately worth the effort.

This movie stars –and I use that term very, very loosely— Alan Bagh as the infinitely punchable software salesman, Rod, and Whitney Moore as the toothy fashion model, Nathalie.  There some other “supporting casts”, but I’m not going to mention their names so they can begin to heal from the trauma of their experience.

For when one cast isn't enough.

Because of time constraints, and the sheer volume of rant I have on this movie, I’m going to attempt to limit myself to summarizing the first ten minutes of the film—which is great, because FOUR OF THOSE MINUTES are devoted to following dipshit Rod around in his blue mustang while the opening credits roll to a looped twenty second track that wishes it had been composed by Richard Band, but can’t quite claim to be of actual musical value.

The remaining six minutes introduce us to the incredible sound quality that will plague the rest of the movie: varying levels of sound, asinine levels of sound, sound that makes you want to learn to do post-production mixing so no one you truly care for will ever have to experience what you’re experiencing.  Then if your senses weren’t feeling violated enough, Nguyen shoves a terrifying European waitress into view, who takes Rod’s order and, in a display of mercy not found often in this movie, disappears.

"Don't show fear, Nathalie, just don't show fear and maybe he'll go away."

While waiting for his bratwurst, Rod spots Nathalie and, as she flees because she feels him watching her like a total creep while she cuts her toast, he checks out her ass.  After confirming her ass is of high quality, he suddenly realizes that she is the Girl For Him, leaving Helga heartbroken by doing a dine-and-dash and not even finishing the orange juice she so carefully poured for him.

Once he manages to catch up to his darling power-walker, awkward dialogue ensues.  During this conversation, we discover that not only can he not act, he also is unable to hide his serial rapist nature.  We are also able to confirm that, yes, he has never had sex in his life and likely never will.

"I'm gonna cut out her kidneys and use them for slippers."

Nathalie, sensing that she’s spending time in the company of a terrible actor, attempts to escape his company, but he chases her down once more and holds her at the vicious knife-point of painful awkwardness until she gives him her number.

So that’s about ten minutes, give or take a couple of minutes because I cannot bear to recount the details of this awful story any longer.

In sum, birds begin to indiscriminately attack the residents of Half Moon Bay by dropping bird bombs (not a euphemism—they’re actually exploding when they crash into buildings) on them, spraying them with acidic cloaca, or doing a fly-by tearing out of throats.  Rod and Nathalie band together with another young couple and they take to the road, battling the birds and trying to save what little survivors remain in what appears to be some godawful birdocaplyse commercial for Greenpeace.

They used paper napkins, and now they must pay.

By studying this film, I’ve come up with a list of ten guidelines for those of us that will eventually be faced battling this fowl menace.

ALLISON’S SURVIVAL TIPS FOR SURVIVORS WHO WANT TO SURVIVE AN ATTACK FROM EXPLODING AVIANS THAT CHALLENGE THEIR SURVIVAL

1.  Want to picnic on the cliffs or play on the beach during a bird attack?  Go for it!  Birds hate beaches!

2.  You still need to follow basic traffic laws no matter how much your life may be in danger—there’s no excuse for dangerous driving.

3.  If you happen to come across a group of people holed up in a bus, you should probably get them out of their safe environment—it’ll toughen them up.

4.  It’s totally safe to leave your gas-filled car on the side of the road with the keys still in the ignition—no one will take it, especially during an emergency.

5.  Hippies live in the woods and will dispense wisdom.  They survive on tree bark, pine cones, and the beneficence of the Mother Goddess.

6.  Gas isn’t that important to travel.  Mom’s mini-van gets excellent mileage, so feel free to leave a few gallons behind—it’ll magically show back up in your car later.

7.  It’s perfectly safe to drink water from a creek in the California woods—they’re totally unpolluted.

8.  Convenience store clerks are devoted to their posts, and will not leave even during the birdacolypse, so don’t even think about snagging those Twinkies for free.

9.  You’ll always know when to take cover, because when birds dive towards the ground they make missile noises and explode.

10.  Don’t worry about stocking up on cash– even though the phone lines may be down, stores will still be able to accept your credit card.

Remember this face-- you'll be seeing it later tonight... at your window.

Now that you’re properly prepared for this avian devastation, I highly suggest that you never, never ever, NEVER watch this film.  Do NOT queue it up on Netflix on Demand, do NOT subject yourself to the worst editing I’ve ever seen, do NOT watch the awkward, lingering transitions and the phone conversations that make you think that both parties are suffering from some sort of brain degradation.  Pick another movie, hell, pick Troll 2 or Thankskillingboth of which Netflix offered up as suitable alternatives to this flick.

Just stay the flock away, and if you do decide to sit down and witness this debeakal, you’ll definitely egret it.

I have a thing for fairy tales, those simplisitic little stories that offer something different up each time I read them. I also have a thing for horror movies, where things don’t always end up happily ever after.

Few movies can effectively combine both the scare and feel of horror and the simplistic, constantly changing perception of fairy tales, but Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (28 Weeks Later) mangages to blend together those traits in his latest film, Intruders, with the creation of the monster, Hollow Face.

Hollow Face is a creature without a face that roams the streets at night looking for a child’s face to steal so he can be loved– for who could love a beast without a face?

Intruders is the tale of two children who are both stalked by this monster in his attempt to possess a face. We are fist introduced to Hollow Face in a nightmare, when he attacks Juan (Izan Corchero) and his mother (Pilar Lopez de Ayala) in their apartment in Spain. Just when we think things are going to reach a climax, Juan wakes, screaming for his mother.

But Hollow Face isn’t simply consigned to the dream world. Twelve-year-old Mia (Ella Purnel) and her father (Clive Owen) become physically endangered when the pre-teen begins to near-compulsively attempt to write the ending of a scary story she found hidden in the hollow of a tree. By reading this story and then attempting to finish it herself, she wakes Hollow Face and allows him access to her home, where he hides in her closet waiting for the right time to strike.

As she and her father attempt to do battle with the physical threat of Hollow Face, Mia’s mother (Carice van Houten) is skeptical of the danger and forces Mia away from the only person who not only believes her stories of Hollow Face, but will try to protect her from the creature.

While this battle goes on, Juan’s mother attempts to deal with what she seems to think is a possession and, as Juan’s nightmares begin to cross over into the real world, alternatively seeks out religious comfort and shuns it– which does little to address the danger Juan is in.

The story was fascinating, the overlapping tales of the two tormented children and how their respective parents attempted to deal with their offspring’s fears. The use of dark shadows in corners and Mia’s haunted closet triggered childhood memories of huddling under my blankets after reading a particularly scary story, fearfully eyeing my closet.

However, even with the characters in the story that most all of us can identify with– as either terrified children or parents dealing with that horror, and even with the fascinating story, parts of the movie’s internal logic began to fall apart at the end, leaving questions not just unanswered but unable to be answered within the system the movie put forth.

If you are one of those people that leaves theaters and rigorously complains that the movie did not make sense, that factors x, y, and z did not add up on a logical level, and you place the majority of the movie’s value on its logical consistency, this may not be the movie for you.

However, if you are able to suspend disbelief, as we are asked to do so often when dealing with fairy tales and fantasy stories, if you do not need a constant form of logical support to enjoy something as a piece of film, I highly suggest taking the time to go down to your local theater to view the tale of Hollow Face.

To read an interview with director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo on the thoughts behind this film, please click here.

Intruders releases in theaters on March 30th, 2012.

In all of my years (months) reviewing Netflix on Demand horror movies, I’ve yet to see one that quite lended itself so well to being made into a porn.

Not that I watch horror movies looking to adapt them to pornography– I just hope that they become sex-loaded on their own for my, er, viewing pleasure.

Kinda an awkward picture choice, given the above paragraph.

Which means it is with much happiness that I share with you the 2006 horror flick, “5ive Girls”. No, that isn’t a leet typo leaking out as I write, it’s the actual spelling of the actual title. As opposed to the fake spelling of the fake title. Keep up, kids.

The same man who brought us the television series Todd and the Book of Pure Evil and the movie Ham & Cheese, Warren P. Sonoda, was not only the director of this fabulous movie that lends itself to satisfying most of my sexual needs, but also the writer. So, thank you, Mr. Sonoda. Especially for the spanking scene. (More on that later.)

Unsuccessful Sequels: The People That Hang Out Next to the Stairs.

We’ve got some faces you, the reader (See, I’m the writer and, if you’re reading this, that makes you the reader. Unless you’re not reading it. Then you can fuck off.), probably won’t recognize but will definitely appreciate.

First, we have Amy Lalonde (Possibly recognizable as Tracy Thurman in Romero’s Diary of the Dead as well as a bit part in Battlestar Galactica. I mean, she’s done other stuff, but you probably haven’t watched it, so don’t expect me to write sentences about all this shit you haven’t seen because you aren’t dedicated to the art of film. Jesus.), then Jennifer Miller (playing someone called Lap Vixen Thumper from something called Bitch Slap which I now need to hunt down like a crazed stalker), and finally Jordan Madley (who is way too hot, like way, way too hot, and you might know her from, most recently, an episode of Femme Fatales).

Oh, and there’s this other guy, Ron Perlman. You might have heard of him. No? Okay, well, let’s move into the plot then.

See, he's this actor that... oh, never mind.

We open on a cute little blonde, Elizbeth, sitting in a classroom, sketching Satanic images, you know, like you do in Catholic school. It’s kinda their paint-by-numbers fallback, if you aren’t hip to such things.

After a brief interaction with Father Drake (Perlman) that gives us the not so subtle hint that he’s molesting the girls, Elizabeth is suddenly possessed by something that possesses things. It’s all very complicated. After the possession is complete, Elizabeth is gone, only a bloody mess left at her desk. (It’s too easy, so I’m not going to.)

"Come here often?" "Uh, yeah."

Before we can see the fallout of this bloody disappearance (British cursing or descriptive phrasing? You be the judge.), the movie suddenly attacks us with the phrase “FIVE YEARS LATER”. I find this all very unfair, as I wanted more blonde and less blood screen time.

So five years down the line, Alex Garrison, another young blonde chick, is getting dropped off at the same Catholic school by her father. Apparently, she’s done something (or not) that has broken the camels back, crossed the line, gone past the point of no return, thrown stones in glass houses, put two birds in one bush, allowed her loose lips to sink… wait, what?

Sour grapes cannot change their spots. What?

We learn that she is now one of five female students at the newly re-opened Saint Mark’s School for Girls, run by the kinda psychotic head mistress, Miss Pearce. Can someone please explain to me what, exactly, a “head mistress” does? I think I’ve met some in my time.

Slowly, the girls are introduced. You know, after the strip search. (Note: Not. Joking.) We have the witch, Connie, the badass, Mara, the blind anarchist, Cecila, the softie, Leah, and Alex, our female lead.

This room's feng shui is totally off.

During this time, Miss Pearce also takes blood samples and, in doing so, causes Alex to reveal her telekinetic powers. All the girls have some sort of psychic power that is eventually revealed as the movie progresses, and some of them are more useful than others.

As the classes begin, strange things begin to happen. None of it is ever spooky, jump-inducing, or even tension building. (That’s okay, because this isn’t one of those movies.) Quite quickly, we see that Elizabeth (Remember, that blonde from the beginning of the movie? Man, it was only a few paragraphs ago, how could you forget already??) is haunting the school, trapped between life and death.

Part of aforementioned strip search. And hot.

The movie, however, isn’t about how Elizabeth haunts the five girls. She barely features, appearing every so often and never being a true threat. Where the threat lies, and this is fairly obvious from the get-go so I’m not spoiling it for anyone, is in Miss Pearce, who is messing with things she ought not to be messin’ with, to quote scads of other movies.

Now, why should you watch this film? First off, it has hot girls in Catholic school girl outfits. That’s a seller right there. Secondly, there’s a bit of sexy school girl lesbianism. Thirdly, of course, there’s some bare-chestedness. Most importantly, however, we’ve got a spanking scene. Yup– plaid school girl skirt up around the waist, bent over a desk, being beaten with a yard stick by a hot blonde in a pencil skirt and blouse.

You're welcome.

And some of you might be reading this and going, “OH MY GAWD, YOU ARE THE SICKEST PERSON EVER, HOW COULD YOU PUT THIS IN YOUR REVIEW?!” But I’d like to point out that for each person that says that, there’s five people queuing up this movie right now.

Also, sickest person ever? I’d argue that. Here’s a true story, a tidbit into the life of your vaguely beloved author.

A couple of weeks ago, I was at my favorite club. A fully grown man at least a decade older than me approached me and asked if he could sit on my lap. He disclaimered it by telling me that there was nothing pervy about it. I declined, and then he explained that he had a particular fetish for women who dress as taxi cabs and let him ride them, piggy-back style. And that, if they won’t dress like cabs, he just wants to sit on them. I told him no, no thank you, please no thank you, please goodbye, and bolted.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY. MY LIFE IS HELL.

She is, admittedly, not having the best time either.

In conclusion: school girls. Spanking. Skirts. Win. Having a fetish for anthropomorphic taxi cabs? Lose.

This movie (back to the topic at hand), also has this weird Satanic Care Bear scene that is infinitely amazing. Not because it’s filmed excellently, but because it’s a fucking Devil Care Bear scene. You don’t see that every day. Or any day, really.

Was this film good? It was sketchy. Some points were great, some points, not so much. The soundtrack seemed as though every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was condensed into one movie. The dialogue was occasionally spotty, and some things simply did not make sense or were not followed through with (i.e. Father Drake’s love of molestation).

"It's a hard-knock life for us."

But it was an easy watch, an entertaining watch, and not exactly typical. There were some great shots in there, great lighting (sometimes), and amusing (if out of place) one-liners that tried to make this movie smarter than it was.

So do what I would do: pop some popcorn and grab some lotion and a box of tissues, and fire this film up on Netflix. Just make sure your blinds are closed before you begin– you don’t want any more awkward moments with the neighbors.

After a few Michael Bay-esque trailers and that poster with the 9 ft. tall Captain America that pissed off the entire internet, the Japanese prove once again that when it comes to stuff, nobody does it better than they do.

The Japanese trailer for Joss Whedon’s Avengers movie not only features a lot more footage than we’ve seen so far, but some dialogue from How I Met Your Mother’s Cobie Smulders (aka Almost-Whedon’s-Wonder-Woman, aka Agent Maria Hill in this movie, aka Agent Robin Sparkles).

"Let's go save the world... TODAY!"

The build up is better, the dialogue is more carefully chosen and the payoff shows more of the team fighting actual villains instead of making it look like the culmination of half a decade of superhero movies equals The Avengers fighting a bunch of explosions for 2 hours.

And as an added bonus, you actually hear Scarlett Johansson talking! And here she pulls off the opposite of what most actresses known for being hot would and reminds us that we actually like her when she talks (and that she’s the cool chick from Ghost World and Lost in Translation).

The Avengers comes out on May 4th — a day I’m already looking forward to more than I am my firstborn’s graduation day (cause that little non-existent bastard has to start pulling his/her weight around here). Check out the Nerdgasmic trailer by clicking here.

*Jumps up and down flashing the peace sign*

At the Silent House press conference a couple of weeks ago, its ladying lady, Elizabeth Olsen, mentioned her current favorite horror movie, a French flick called Ils. (Translation: take a goddamned French class, people! I can’t do all of your work for you.) With much curiosity, I queued it up and, days later, I’m still not quite sure how to feel about it.

They're probably watching The Orphanage. Or Bio-Dome.

There’s not a good deal to say on the film’s background. While there’s several reviews on IMDB and a middling score on Rotten Tomatoes, this movie doesn’t seem like it really entered the festival circuit or make much of an attempt (any attempt?) at the box office.

The actors are, as they tend to be in European movies, European and therefore foreign to ye old readership here at Geekscape. Not saying that you’re ignorant. Just saying that I’m ignorant and, so as not to feel so alone, projecting my ignorance onto you. It’s a bonding experience, really. Don’t you feel closer to me already?

American-centric knowledge-base-wise (I’m not sure how I feel about that phrasing.  How do you feel about it?  Comfortable?), the only real recognizable entities on this film are the directors (who also functioned as the writers), David Moreau and Xavier Palud, who directed the American version of The Eye (you know, that flick with Jennifer Lo–, er, Jessica Alba), which wasn’t that great.

She likes to hold her pillow and pretend it's Edward.

The movie starts off with the heading:

Snagov, Romania October 6, 2002 11:45p.m.

I like it when movies have a time-stamp. Makes me feel secure. Anyhow, after the time-stamp, we start with a mother and cunty daughter driving along a road at night, perfectly peaceful (oh, that’s a lie) until a strange goat-like shape darts in front of the car.

Okay, it wasn’t a goat. Could have been a person. Possibly both. A goat-person.

They go nose-first into some sort of pole, which somehow causes their radio to turn on and blast some annoying metal. When they try to re-start their car and leave, the engine won’t turn so the mother gets out, pops the hood, and fiddles with the engine.

Apparently there was a crossover with Sliders going on at the same time, as she was sucked into a portal. Or something. Basically, she vanishes, leaving her cunty daughter to plod around the car calling for her like a sad little sheep… until the bushes whisper a response.

My prom night ended similarly.

She does the smart thing (hurrah!) and bolts into the car, rolls up the windows, locks the door, and discovers that the keys are gone. Someone outside beeps the car to unlock, so Cunty Dwarf grabs her cell phone and calls the police. Who put her on hold. And it starts raining.

Then the car explodes. It’s really tragic. The phone goes flying from the vehicle and the last thing that we see before we cut to the opening credits is a tiny hand wrapping around the phone as the police dispatcher finally picks up.

I might have made that all up. I’m kinda in a mood. A mood where I make things up. Or this may be made up. YOU’LL NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU WATCH THE MOVIE! BWAHAHAHA!

Cut to the next day. We are introduced to Clementine, hottie French teacher, as she wraps up for the afternoon and begins her drive home, complete with sexy little phone call to her husband, Lucas, and rubbernecking at the abandoned vehicle last seen with Cunty Dwarf.

It's like Titanic, but with more stabbings.

After a few scenes of domestic bliss with her husband, Clementine curls up on the couch to go through her students’ work. However, before she gets too far in, the phone rings. The noises on the other end are indistinguishable.

At 3:45AM, she wakes up, hearing strange noises outside, and selfishly wakes her sleeping husband so they can check on the noises together as opposed to letting him continue to sleep like she would if she actually loved him. On my planet, that’s grounds for a divorce right there.

Anyhow, they manage to stumble their way downstairs to discover that Clementine’s car has been moved. See, that’s what kids do these days. Forget toilet papering, it’s all about car relocation.

Honey, I think those kids relocated our car again.

When Lucas goes to confront the car, it pulls a Herbie the Love Bug and drives off into the night. Being intelligent people that were clearly designed for an indie romance rather than a horror movie, they call the cops (which turn out to be useless) and decide to deal with it in the morning.

Then the lights go out.

Too much of a cliffhanger for you? Are your fingers tightly wrapped around the arms of your chair? Mine would be, but I’m in bed. And typing. I’m not the mutant with four arms that you think me to be.

Eventually, the monster is revealed (finally, a movie to break the recent streak of showing me the big bad by the three-minute mark!) and the audience is left to mull over, well, everything. This movie takes a very common beast, one that features in a surprising number of horror films, and puts a strong slant on it, forcing it at the viewer at a new angle that they didn’t necessarily expect.

She is about to find out what makes Jack a dull boy.

Monster-digestion aside, it’s a little hard for me to make fun of this movie. It’s not that it’s fantastic– it certainly doesn’t reach the level of The Orphanage, nor is it mediocre in such a way that causes a lack of commentary. It was just the right mix of story, isolation, and disturbing claustrophobic imagery that ultimately caused me a sort of unsettled discontent.

The “seven days…” call I received after viewing this film certainly didn’t help my comfort level, either.

So, if you want something that deviates from your standard horror plot and digs itself into your bones, not so much on a fear level as much as with actual horror (in the way that we no longer use that word), Ils might be for you. Just ignore the shitty video quality Netflix gives you with this one.

21 Jump Street doesn’t feel like a recent comedy.  This isn’t just because it’s based on a TV series, but more importantly because it reminds me of the raunchy buddy comedies of years past…a sub-genre that kind of died along with Superbad.  Since that “golden era” we’ve been subjected to the likes of Hall Pass and She’s Out of my League along with countless others.  I’m pleased to say that 21 Jump Street provided me with more laughs than any movie I’ve seen since Jackass 3D and manages to have more universal appeal.  It’s not family friendly, but that’s the point…but everyone over the age of 15 with a slightly twisted sense of humor will come out of the theater beaming.

Jonah Hill is back in the sort of role he shines in as Schmidt, a “not-so-slim-shady” nerd who was picked on in high school by a jock named Jenko (Channing Tatum).  Flash forward a few years and Jenko and Schmidt have become fast friends at Police Academy.  Jenko is, by all accounts, an idiot, so he feeds off of Schmidt’s test-taking skills.  Eventually they graduate the academy and are put on duty patrolling a park on bicycles.  After managing to tackle a drug-dealing perp, they botch the arrest by failing to read the perp his rights.  The two would-be cops are sent to an experimental program located in a church at 21 Jump Street by none other than Parks and Recreation’s Ron Swanson himself (Nick Offerman) where they’re under the jurisdiction of Ice Cube as an intentionally stereotypical black police captain.  Captain Ice Cube assigns Schmidt and Jenko to go undercover as teenagers to prevent the spread of a new super drug, which has killed a teen at a local high school.

When they arrive for the first day of school, the duo of narcs realize times have changed since they were in school (there’s a funny bit where they’re identifying cliques and aren’t sure what to call hipsters).  After an altercation on the first day that lands them in the principal’s office, their fake identities and class schedules are accidentally reversed.  For Schmidt, this is the chance to be cool and popular he never had in high school.  For Jenko, this is a demeaning struggle with chemistry class.  As they go about finding leads on the drugs in their separate ways, Schmidt develops feelings for a girl named Molly (Brie Larson), who he could have never seen himself with back when he was actually in high school.

The film manages to avoid most clichés of action and buddy-comedy cop movies.  It acknowledges and teases at them, (such as shooting a gas tank) but it doesn’t fall into them (the gas tank doesn’t explode).  The real star of the show here is Channing Tatum, who I didn’t know was much of an actor at all prior to his role in this.  Turns out, he’s great in a comedic role here, and manages to outshine his comic-veteran screen partner.  There’s something priceless about his genuinely frustrated reactions to situations his character’s not smart enough to handle.  The supporting cast is great too ranging from Ellie Kemper and Rob Riggle to Johnny Depp.

It certainly entertains an interesting concept: going back to high school, but knowing what you know now, and being more socially aware.  While it devolves into hijinx from time to time, that’s necessary for a movie like this.  I’d argue that it got a little too over the top in the final twenty minutes of the film but there’s some moments that are pure gold.  The chemistry between the characters is believable and even at times…relatable.  One of my favorite moments hands down involves Schmidt and Jenko planning a party.  “But how will we get alcohol without an ID?” Channing Tatum asks sadly (since they’re pretending to be high school students).  They turn to each other and laugh and the audience laughs with them.

In the interest of preserving some of the films best surprises, I’ll taper myself off here.  The trailer methodically walks you through the first fifteen minutes of the film in sequential order, but thankfully spares the viewer the best, and most vulgar moments.  It’s rare that you can call a comedy a legitimately good movie, but thankfully 21 Jump Street is a return to true hilarity without the cheapness.

Thinking about Disney’s The Lone Ranger, the term “Development Hell” comes to mind.  Producer Jerry Bruckheimer (Pirates of the Caribbean) tweeted this photo this morning from the film.  After some budget cuts, the film is finally on schedule and is slated for release May 31st, 2013 directed by Gore Verbinski. From the bird on his head to the warpaint, one can only wonder if Johnny Depp will be channeling The Crow.  Who’s excited for The Lone Ranger?

The first image of Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer in The Lone Ranger

What happens when you get Heidi Hilliker, Stephen Prescott, Eric Diaz and Ben Dunn all in the same room to record an episode of Brave Nerd World? Well for one we certainly can’t seem to stay on topic. Also at some point I think we each say at least one thing we’ll regret and that’s what makes this a fantastic episode. Somewhere in there though we do try and get to the bottom of why it seems that geeks are everywhere now and will the geek culture bubble ever pop?

 

In 2003, husband and wife team Laura Lau and Chris Kentis made a splash (ha!) with their low-budget DYI thriller Open Water. Nearly ten years later, they’ve come to us with their newest work, Silent House.

Silent House is the rapid American remake of a 2010 Spanish-language Uruguayan film (unsurprisingly titled La Casa Muda) that did fairly well in the festival circuit, bringing it to the attention of producer Agnes Mentre, and thus into the hands of Lau/Kentis.

What was so special about La Casa Muda was that it appeared to be shot as a continuous take. While this is not actually accurate– the movie was shot over several takes cleverly edited together, the surprising and difficult choice in style gave something different to the movie that caught the notice of audiences.

However, this might have caused a problem with the style overwhelming the plot, not simply in terms of audience attention, but also in how limited it is in terms of establishing the traditional filmic narrative we’ve grown acclimated to. More on that in a moment.

Plot-wise, this movie centers on the “true events” that took place in an isolated, semi-abandoned house that a young girl, Sarah (Elizabeth Olsen), her father (Adam Trese), and her uncle (Eric Sheffer Stevens) are trying to fix up for sale.

After basic character introductions and a tiff over home repairs between Sarah’s father and uncle that causes the latter to storm off in a fit of anger, Sarah ends up exploring the house, unable to find her father, and hearing unnerving noises that hint that she might have unwelcome company.

Without giving the plot away, most of the rest of the movie is a good deal of running, hyperventilating, and the discovery of somewhat disturbing rooms in the basement.

Shifting away from the plot so as not to pepper this article with spoilers, let’s go back to the decision to shoot this 88 minute film in such a way as to resemble one continuous take.

This obviously wasn’t an easy project. It was stressful simply listening to Lau and Kentis talk about the struggles of everyone meeting their queues at the press conference, as many of the effects were practical (meaning no CGI) and a single half-second mis-step could result in an entire shot being ruined.

There was also a matter of the camera choreography. Lau and Kentis selected Igor Martinovic, whose work you might know from Man on Wire, as their Director of Photography. It was absolutely fascinating to read the press notes on how Olsen and Martinovic had to somewhat sync to each other’s movements as he followed her through the house.

My favorite quote from the press notes, something that I felt really summed up the effort that went into filming this film came from Kentis while talking on a scene where Olsen leaves the house and gets into a car. “Two camera operators were involved in that scene and the choreography was all about preparation. They were running wth the camera and passing the camera in and out of the car and from the front of the car to back and our A.D. crew had to be totally on the ball with cues because everything had to happen at exact moments.”

While the directors likely don’t want you watching this movie just for the technical aspects– which is quite understandable, it’s something that’s amazing to watch and attempt to understand the effort that had to go into such a movie.

It also gives you an insight into how we make and watch movies. So much character development and storyline comes from little side shots that this movie isn’t really allowed. We never leave Olsen’s side which, while it adds to the feelings of being trapped that the movie encourages, it gives a stark contrast to the way we currently use film to tell stories.

In a way, this movie challenges the way we define reality through film. This film is infinitely more “real” of an experience than one where we’re jumping from person to person, place to place. There’s no b-footage filling our gaps of knowledge, setting the scene.

There are so many complex visual layers to the average Hollywood film that it’s somewhat unsettling to see a movie that is so stripped down, not just visually, but in the amount of information that it gives the audience. We see what Sarah sees, we go where Sarah goes– the usual omniscience of the audience is lost giving, while not a totally new experience, something we haven’t seen in a long while.

Silent House opens in theaters on March 9th.

Rarely do I get stir-crazy and bored while watching horror movies. There’s nearly always something redemptive about them, whether it be a great scene (Ghost Ship, I’m looking at you), a great soundtrack, or hysterically bad acting. Truly, I usually can find something to latch onto.

2007’s Ghosts of Goldfield is one of the few films that I gave up on trying to enjoy and instead embraced the boredom that comes with those few movies that aren’t good,but aren’t laughably shitty either.

This is just too easy. I'd feel guilty about taking advantage.

The acting wasn’t good, even though there’s a definite spread of talent. Our lead actress, Marnette Patterson, is a constant television actress with the standard extra roles on the even more standard host of shows. Our cliched “sexy chick”, Mandy Amano (who is quite attractive, I will say), has been in minor roles in movies such things as Coyote Ugly (one of my guilty pleasures) and Crank: High Voltage (less a guilty pleasure and more of a source of masturbation material). Really, though, the only actor of note (and the only one that can actually act) is Kellan Lutz.

You know, Kellan Lutz. Emmett Cullen from the Twilight series. Poseidon from Immortals. Kellan Lutz. Weird sorta blip there. Speaking of blips, let’s just go into the beginning of the movie summary with an awkward transition. Yay!

Kellan Lutz, god of wetness, god of moisture, and things that are wet.

The scene is set: a desert drive in a white SUV overlaid with the opening credits and pictures of old ghost towns. We hear the chatter of inane kids in their early twenties regarding their road trip to a haunted motel, where I pull the gem:

“Today we’re headin’ up to the famous Goldfield Hotel to see if we can find us some real live ghosts.”

If poor phrasing was a sin, this guy would be dead already.

Also! We get to see the ghost, prompting the following mid-movie-watching note:

Didn’t you guys learn anything from Muoi: The Legend of a Potrait? Jesus. Stop revealing the goddamned end boss 50 seconds into the movie. Who do I need to call to make this stop happening? SOMEONE, GET GEORGE ROMERO ON THE PHONE, STAT.

As we get some degree of introduction to the characters, we learn that the blonde is a psychology major, working on her thesis which, as far as I can tell, has absolutely nothing to do with psychology. Brunette is a red shirt, working on her five-finger discount and mad faux-lesbian skills. She’ll be the first to die, just before Mr. English-Ain’t-Mah-First-Language gets taken out by a rogue piece of rusty pipe. There are also three guys, but they’re indistinguishable from each other until about forty-five minutes in.

"I brought an enema bag."

The car ride continues until the blonde falls asleep in the fading light and we get to flash-forward to the scene where one of the guys, a hipster-looking douchebag, gets killed. So not only is the monster being revealed again, so is one of the deaths.

Of course, I could see hipsters being knifed in the skull all day and not get sick of it, so it’s not such a bad thing. God, I hope we see it like eight more times.

Blonde also hears, “Come back to me…” as she wakes, whispered by the ghost. When she comes to, she’s clutching her necklace.

I brightened this picture and upped the contrast just for *you*.

Okay, how many people want to bet that by the end of this movie, everyone is dead but the blonde, who is not killed by the ghost because the ghost is actually her grandmother or great-grandmother who died while looking for her baby (who was kidnapped or whatever) who ended up being perfectly fine and starting a family of her own? WHO WANTS TO LAY SOME MONEY ON THE LINE?!

I’m at the 3 minute, 15 second mark of this movie, and if this doesn’t work out like I predicted, I’m going to punish myself by eating a chocolate chip cookie. If it does work out, I’m eating a chocolate chip cookie *and* making a booty call. (Post-movie update: I might have been wrong, but the theme was there. I’m still making that call.)

Around sunset, the car dies while taking a shortcut to the hotel. Bad dialogue ensues about why the car broke down but, really, the car was probably just rebelling against the douchey-est haircut known to man that the driver was sporting. If he let someone cut it to something that contained lesser levels of douchery, the car would start again.

BRB, going completely out of my established character.

After much whining, they start walking to the hotel. I can’t even speak to the line of “We’ve been walking so long, it’s dark already,” when they started walking at goddamned sunset. Someone punch the goddamned brunette for me. Just reach through the goddamned screen and just pop her one.

During their night wanderings, they find an old cemetary. Good for them. Anyhow, the little cunty brunette decides she doesn’t wanna go into the cemetery and you can’t make her, waaaah. Until, of course, the whispering starts. “Bloooody finger, bloooooody finnggerrrr!”

Sorry. Was re-living my campfire story days.

“Where’s my baby? Where’s my baaaabyyyyyy?” followed by, “Closer, my darling, closer.” Which was followed by a coyote howl. OF COURSE IT WAS.

"This place lacks room service. I'm giving it three stars on Yelp."

The blonde experiences double-vision and a sudden sepia-toned flashback where we get to witness some godawful dancing and the reveal that one hundred (or whatever) years ago, the blonde used to be a waitress in the bar where the ghost worked (while alive, you nitwits).

When she comes out of it, the brunette is racing towards her and one of the idiots… er, men… is missing. Mike. Whichever one that one was.

He ends up popping out from behind a grave, scaring everyone, and then announcing repeatedly that he “got” them all. You know, being an idiotic horror movie stereotype.

So, death order as stands is:

1. Cunty brunette who needs a good punching
2. Mike (may or may not have English issues)
3. Idiot with English issues (may or may not be Mike)

After their brush with stupidity, the five kids head into the suddenly located ghost town to hopefully suddenly locate the hotel.

Hotel = suddenly located! \o/

Let’s take a moment to note that this is supposed to be a ghost town, you know, one of those California/Nevada/Arizona towns that was all hustle and bustle while people were working towards their Manifest Destiny or mining the shit out of the mountains and then dried up for a variety of reasons, generally in the 1920s.

So please ignore the goddamned stop sign in front of the hotel. Oh, and the open bar across the street from the hotel. You know, in the town that one of the less mentally disabled kids said had no vistors aside from the occasional tourist.

STOP: sucking so goddamned much.

After awkward and vaguely illogical conversation with the bartender and his lone patron, the Scooby gang gets a key to the abandoned (and fully furnished and clean) hotel, with instructions not to go into room 109. (Because you know those instructions’ll be followed.)

The bartender explains that George Winfield, Elizabeth’s boss and sex-patron, killed poor Elizabeth in room 109. During this story, the bartender gets incredibly, oddly emotional about Elizabeth and then, when asked if he somehow knew her (kids can’t do math), he explains that he’s seen paintings of her and basically put all of his sex drive into pastels and turned into a total dead-chick-stalking creep.

I may have elaborated on that last part.

The look of concern you're seeing is them watching the final cut of this film.

After story time is over, the kids walk over to the hotel, where the blonde has another sepia-toned flashback where she sees Elizabeth receive the gift of a necklace (Whaaat? Like the necklace the blonde was playing with at the beginning of the film? SHOCKING.) from her beau “for the baby”.

Back in modern day, the cunty brunette steals the hotel desk’s bell while the idiot who likes to scare people scares people again and then busts out the alcohol.

It’s almost like they want to die.

The next hour of this movie is spent with them roaming around multiple locations cobbled together to represent a hotel that is mostly birthed from locations that were clearly not built in the early 1900s. From fire sprinklers to uniform gray carpeting to flouresent lights to modern plumbing, the hotel fails to provide any atmosphere except for the sad sort of desperate amusement one gets when visiting one of those truck stops/mini-casinos that dot the highways in Nevada.

Topless and inebriated-- just like I like them.

What are they doing while roaming? Fuck if I know. There seems to be an overarching plot… kinda. I mean, it’s mostly there. And then there’s all these little potential side plots that amount to nothing and then there’s just severe amounts of minor plot inconsistencies that make the whole thing rather shaky, and I’m not sure if I should blame those issues on the screenwriter or the editor.

In sum: Editing fail. Script fail. Character fail. Plot fail. Location fail. Fail fail. (Or would that be “success fail”? I just wanted to write “fail fail”. Seemed like a good idea.)

I don’t suggest queuing this up on your Netflix. It’s simply not worth it. I can’t even design a drinking game around this, other than “drink every time Kellan Lutz is hot”, which is a totally gimme.

Until next week, kids.

New Line Cinema has had the film rights to Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra’s beloved comic series Y: The Last Man for over 4 years. But despite a script by Vaughan and reported interest from multiple directors, the project has remained in limbo. I can’t tell you  if the movie will ever get made, but I can tell you who we would like to see in it!

ADAM BRODY as YORICK BROWN

Yorick Brown is an everyman. Literally. As the lone survivor of the complete elimination of Earth’s males, Yorick is every man left on the planet. So who can capture the dorky charm of the verbose slacker magician faced with the saving the world?

How about Adam Brody, who played loveable nerd trying to find his masculine identity on 6 seasons of The OC? The reliable actor proved he can carry an entire movie as the star of 2007’s aptly titled In the Land of Women.

TRACIE THOMS as AGENT 355

The woman known only as 355 becomes the most important woman in the world when she is tasked with shepherding the last man across the country. Tracie Thoms blew us away as sassy stuntwoman and protective pal Kim in Quentin Tarantino’s grindhouse homage Death Proof. She has the hardness and the heart to play Yorick’s enigmatic bodyguard and constant companion.

LUCY LIU as DR. ALISON MANN

Lucy Liu may not actually be of Sino-Japanese heritage like cloning expert Mann, but she has been playing women of the doctor’s intelligence and strength with effortless grace for years. She also played a bit of a lunatic in the indie rom-com Watching the Detectives, which means she has the experience to play Mann’s more obsessive side.

AMY ACKER as HERO BROWN

Yorick’s wayward sister Hero has her own journey to parallel Yorick’s and must be played by someone who can be both wounded and warlike, both hero and villain. Amy Acker has the talent to capture Hero’s dual nature; she has played characters who have gone through instant and extreme transformations in both Angel and Dollhouse.

 SARAH ROEMER as BETH DEVILLE

Would-be fiance Beth doesn’t appear much in Yorick’s story, but she does provide much of his motivation. Fired Up‘s Sarah Roemer has the effusive spirit and classic good looks to make an audience fall in love with her in a short amount of screen time.

BRITTANY SNOW as BETH 2

One of the few friendly faces Yorick meets along the way, the other Beth both shelters and tempts the last man. Showing a large range over a short career in films such as The Pacifier and The Vicious Kind, Brittany Snow has been both as vulnerable and as tough as survivor Beth.

GINA BELLMAN as ALTER TSE’ELON

Israeli commando Alter leads a squad sent to abduct the last man, but is it for her own personal motives? She is a complex and compelling villain. Every role Gina Bellman takes is a challenge, from the lunatic Jane in Coupling to gender-switching Sydney in Zerophilia. The versatile actress isn’t from Israel, but she is good with accents, as evidenced in her portrayal of grifter Sophie on TNT’s Leverage.

CRYSTAL THE MONKEY as AMPERSAND

It may seem an odd choice to cast a female to play one of the only two remaining males on the planet, but capuchin Crystal is definitely up for the challenge. The animal actress is quickly turning into a major star of the big and small screen, with major roles in Night at the Museum and The Hangover 2 and a recurring stint on Community.

As always, that’s just one fan’s opinion. Let Geekscape know what YOU think in the comments!

I know some of you may have been panicking at the absence of my typical Wednesday article and I would like to let you know that I appreciate your concern and apologize. You see, when a woman likes a man (or men), she loses track of time and gains a certain… bodily soreness which results in delayed reviews.

Most of my dreams start like this.

In 2010, things happened. The Berlin Wall fell. Pearl Harbor was bombed. Napoleon was exiled to Saint Helena and two Valley kids retrieved him before becoming the biggest band to grace Earth’s history: Wyld Stallyns. Somewhere in all this uproar, a German film titled We Are the Night was released.

Much (exactly) like with other European films I’ve reviewed, no one is actually going to know who any of the actors are and, continuing with my belief that Europeans have no true emotions, we’re going to skip this section.

Pout about it, why don't you? We know you're faking.

Actually, I’m going to lie about the actors.  That seems even better.

Dick “fucking” Van Dyke plays the lead female bloodsucker, Louise. You may know Dick “fucking” Van Dyke from movies such as How I Married a Machete Murderer (the hapless Arlo) and I Know What you Did Six Summers Ago in Band Camp (Yvette’s cuckold, Gregory). We also have Macauly Culkin as Lena, Gabriel Byrnes as Charlotte, and Cillian “Oh My God, Take Me Now, You Creepy Blue-eyed Man” Murphy as Nora. If you watch carefully, you might notice a few cameos from people such as Ian McKellan and Colin Firth.

So it’s a pretty star-studded(ish) cast that you won’t want to miss. Ever. Just watch this movie on repeat and bask in its golden light, but don’t forget to turn over half-way through, as we don’t want you getting skin cancer.

It's hard to believe he played Scarecrow. He's got such range.

Before I launch into the summary of the start of this movie (which I am now beginning to question as a good format for a review), I have to really address what I feel is a truly important topic in regards to this film.

We Are the Night“? What does that even mean, really? Are they personifying the night, as I’ve always imagined a personified night to be more along the lines of a Greek goddess or something. Flowly dark robes, glitter in their hair, prone to family in-fighting.

You know what? Fuck this “we are the night” spooky bullshit. How goth do they need to sound, anyway? How about “We are three vampire bitches in Europe”?

GET OVER YO’SELFS, GOTH SUBCULTURE.

Quick summary of this film: crazy blonde lesbian vampire is focused on the idea of finding her soulmate and then never, ever, ever, EVER letting her go. No matter what. Even if she wants to leave. Kill her, cut off her limbs, bronze said limbs, make them into some sort of surrealist art on wheels that she would drag behind her for the rest of her life.

In sum: a typical lesbian relationship.

Caption screened so as to avoid hatemail.

I know that I now have at least five friends who are planning on punching me for the above statement the next time I see them. For the moment, I will wave at you across the internet and remind you that you can’t reach me from where you are now, and you’ll likely forget to inflict pain on me by the next time we meet.

With this crazy blonde we get sidekicks in the form of an adorable quirky sometimes-redhead and a sultry brunette that managed to keep my attention the entire movie. We also have the strawberry blonde love interest.

I keep trying to order her from the catalog, but she never arrives.

You might be wondering why I’m not calling these characters by their names. I’m wondering too.

There is one other character: the male lead and love interest to Miss Strawberry Blonde 2010. He’s a cop, and, to my mind, is way too young and attractive to be a cop. Well, at least an American cop. If all cops in France look like this dude, send me over. I’ll bring my own handcuffs.

He's not really my type but, you know... handcuffs.

Continuing with this hair-identified plot, we’ve got these five characters, three of which are of The Undead, one of which looks like death, and another which is there solely to be a plot device.

Simply: brunette is miserable, redhead is everything you’d expect from a hyperactive anime character, blonde is nuts and obsessive, strawberry blonde is smarter than most give her credit for, and blond is a cop that barely features but has impact on the story.

Does that make sense? No?

Okay, let’s sell you on this movie. The strawberry blonde goes exploring one night and sees two dudes climb through a hole in a fence. She follows them into DINOSAUR LAND!!!

HOLY SHIT, IT'S JURASSIC PARK!!

Dinosaur Land disappointingly turns out not to be a land of dinosaurs at all, but an underground club full of incredibly hot people in skimpy outfits. Totally fucking lame and lacking in its possibly reptilian, possibly avian content.

While at the lame club, that blonde vampiress sees the strawberry blonde’s tendency towards pick-pocket activities and strategically places some cash in eyesight and then does the “come hither, Imma lesbian with money” dance at her, which looks creepily like a seizure, but with more oral sex.

The strawberry blonde, being young and naive, takes the bait. Eventually winds up a vampire. (Serious side note: the transformation scene for this is one the best I’ve ever seen in the category of “beautiful turning into a vampire scenes”.)

Not Dinosaur Land, but a suitable alternative.

Being a vampire movie, the strawberry blonde isn’t exactly happy with this transformation, though she tries to hide it. Wants her human life back. Cries a lot. Blames Lestat for turning her. Changes Kirsten Dunst into a vampire, leaves the swamps of New Orleans, has dirty sex with Christian Slater. Dirty, dirty sex.

Shit, that was the summary of my latest fan-fic! Now the plot is spoiled!!

My grief at spoiling my upcoming novel aside, this movie goes exactly to where you think it will. However, while there’s more than a couple cliches come with the expected plot that are scattered through it’s scenes, the film itself done with a bit more pizzazz than we (I) have come to expect from the genre.

I actually enjoyed it (after the rough beginning, which was totally overdone), as it was something fun. The photography, while not amazing and epic, had more than one typically sees in a horror movie, which I have to appreciate, especially now with the nausea-inducing found-footage trend.

This movie does come with a warning, I will be honest. While there are lesbians, there’s no lesbian sex. I can’t actually remember seeing a single bare breast (not that I was manning the TitWatch 2012 campaign or anything). But there’s some dude junk, if you have a fear of dude junk.

Fears dude junk. (For which I am so, so glad. So. Glad.)

So, if you want to watch a movie that hits all the vampire cliches we’ve grown to expect (and if you can overcome your horror of dude junk), this is the film for you. Just ignore the incredibly shit dubbing and fire up Netflix.

In 2006, before the internet was overrun by tired old advice animal memes, we had 4Chan, we had Something Awful, we had Fark and maybe a few other places. Memes weren’t on the news and they sure as hell weren’t performing at real, televised awards shows. But much like the transgendered dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, life found a way.

And also in the summer of 2006, Geekscape‘s Jonathan London annoyingly gave his friend Graham a piece of advice that would unknowingly set off one of the greatest message-board-based memes of all time. They were playing New Super Mario Bros. on the DS, Graham was rushing through a level, and Jonathan warned “Careful. Bullet Bill changes everything.” And indeed, he does.

Bullet Bill Changes Everything

Bullet Bill, for the uninitiated, is the lovable yet deadly giant bullet/bomb that has killed countless of us who have dared underestimate him in a Mario game.

And so, with uttering of one of the nerdiest things ever said out loud, the geek community couldn’t stop putting Bullet Bill into some of humanity’s darkest moments (and some randomly great ones), showing once and for all that Bullet Bill truly does change… everything.

NOTE: Some of these may be horribly offensive.

JFK Shooting Bullet Bill Murder Lee Harvey Oswalt

Who Shot Mr Burns Bullet Bill

TIMELY!

???

and of course…

And a bonus from Reddit, where an old Scapist mentioned in the comments that yes, Bullet Bill Changes Everything:

To submit your own entry into the Bullet Bill Changes Everything meme, click here.

According to recent box office records, The Woman In Black earned 14.5m GBP (~$23m) after holding the top spot for over three weeks. The recent records where:

02/11/2001 The Others £11,880,848

29/01/1993 Bram Stoker’s Dracula £11,548,429

20/01/1995 Interview With the Vampire £10,674,956

07/01/2000 Sleepy Hollow £10,047,381

09/04/2004 Shaun Of The Dead £6,692,683

01/11/2002 28 Days Later £6,296,734

11/05/2007 28 Weeks Later £5,350,158

What do you think? Is this all apart of the Potter magic or is the little wizard growing up into a robust actor?

In what promises to be the highest grossing Edgar Wright (and lowest grossing Johnny Depp) movie of all time, Disney is remaking the 1970s TV hit The Night Stalker into a feature film.

The original TV movie/series was about a Chicago newspaper reporter, Carl Kolchak (played by Darren McGaven), who investigates unsolved mysteries and crimes that end up having been perpetrated with vampires, werewolves, aliens and other supernatural beings, which is why it makes sense that Disney wants it. They’re getting it cheap/easy because it used to be an ABC show, so it makes sense and everyone’s happy.

According to Deadline, Edgar Wright is set to direct the feature and has agreed (but has not yet been confirmed) to helm the entire project, meaning he’ll get to write it as well since they haven’t hired anyone to do that yet.

The entire project was originally Depp’s idea, and with Edgar Wright’s whimsical directing style and amazing grasp of the best parts of sci-fi, fantasy and the supernatural, this movie should actually be watchable. And hey, maybe it’ll lead to another awesome franchise so that Disney can keep Johnny Depp locked up in a dungeon for another decade.

Johnny Depp is like Disney’s Katie Holmes

It will be a family-friendly, PG-13 film most likely targeted at Disney’s regular wheelhouse of “everybody who doesn’t hate happiness”.

The film has a tentative release of 2014 according to IMDb.