Author: Gilmore

Much like Rule 34 of the internet which states that “if it exists, there is porn of it”, there is a well-known rule with Superhero movies that if it is made, there will be a game of it. 

Enter the new Captain America game from the fine folks over Next Level games. It’s basically a good-looking, action-packed ride through what looks like the Captain America movieverse with a bunch of stories and characters that don’t take place in the movie or the comics. 

It’s a standard third person beat-em-up and features some really cool stuff like Cap being able to toss his shield and bounce it off of multiple enemies, turning his foes into a beaten and bruised game of human pinball. 

Checking out the game demo itself at WonderCon, the game is also equipped with what SEGA calls “Tactical Vision” which is basically just like Batman: Arkham Asylum’s “Detective Mode” only instead of showing you where interesting objects are in order to solve a possible riddle, it tells you the best points to hit to make Cap swing from place to place serendipitously like that girl in that scene from Jurassic Park 2. 

Here’s the official game trailer:

Cap moves fluidly and seems to have taken years of training from the greatest gymnasts in the world, which doesn’t make sense since we hated the Russians back then. It’s a pretty enough game, but… it’s not quite a geek’s wet dream, when it comes to Cap games and all the possibilities that surround the character and the franchise.

There’s so much that they could have done.

A geek’s wet dream in a Cap game would basically be a first-person shooter that would treat itself like a Call of Duty game in both realism and badassery, only instead of guns, you get a shield and some really sick moves. 

The saving grace of what looks like an otherwise “normal” obligatory superhero movie tie-in game is that it was written by a bonafide geek, comic book writer and all around great guy. This guy grew up actually reading Captain America and was able to bring every bit of authenticity to the game that only a seasoned writer of Young Avengers could bring.

Cristos Gage, writer and consultant for the new Captain America game being released on the heels of the new movie Captain America: The First Avenger, sat down (well, stood up in a quieter spot) with Geekscape at WonderCon and talked about the ins and outs of how deep the game Captain America: Super Soldier rolls in not only Marvel lore, but how closely it ties in to the new movie universe. 

What’s the difference between writing a character for the comics and writing him for a video game?

In a video game it’s about the game play,it’s about the interactivity, so you don’t want to have extensive scenes where you have exposition or people will just click through. That’s what I do. You want the cut scenes to be more rewarding, interesting stuff. You try and get as much information across in the game as possible, but in the cut scenes you’re really writing to get the player to the next gameplay as quickly as possible, but in an entertaining way. 

In the comics you’re trying to tell a story visually, while at the same time thinking “okay, what’s the coolest image I can put in here?” In comics, you can literally have a cast of thousands, you can blow up a galaxy. 

In video games you can do a lot of cool stuff, but you can’t do everything.

It’s really thinking about the movements. In comic books, you can have [the characters] do anything, but you have to think about the character’s movements in video games. For example, thinking of Iron Cross as a moving tank. What would the Satan Claw look like (Baron Strucker’s weapon) look like in a game? It was more thinking about the movement as opposed to the static image in a comic book.

They had some ideas of what they wanted to do: basically you’re trying to prevent the creation of some exotic weapons and you find out some more nefarious things are going on. I suggested a lot of villains and characters, and basically they asked me what would work well for what.

What Universe is the game set in?

It’s set in the movie universe, a little more than it is in the comics universe. This is kind of like Batman: Arkham Asylum in that it doesn’t take place in the movie universe exactly, and it doesn’t take place in the comics universe, but it still kind of looks like both. You don’t have to know the comic or watch the movie to play the game, but hopefully playing the game will make you want to do both. 

What’s the game really about? 

A lot of this game is the origin of Cap and his powers, which is good because you’re just getting right into the fun. Again, the origin is gonna be another one of those things that a lot of players are gonna want to click through. I’m old enough to remember Captain America in The Avengers, the Arcade game…

Does he say “I can’t move” when he dies in this game?

No, but I did in there at one point work it in so that Red Skull does say “You stupid man.” I just had to put something in there for all the fans of the old game.

What villains were you able to write into the game?

Madame Hydra, Baron Strucker, Iron Cross (an Invaders villain), Arnim Zola, Red Skull appears in the game. 

… Since it’s the movie universe, Next Level’s artists came up with some really fantastic designs, like with Iron Cross. The original art for him was done in the 70s and they didn’t want it to look like that, in part because they didn’t want him to look basically like a Nazi Iron Man and who wants to create that confusion. 

But they thought, what if you made armor that was basically a walking tank, that would work. And then some other [characters] like Baron Strucker still look like, you know… Baron Strucker. 

What can we look forward to reading from you in comics right now?

I’m still working on Avengers Academy, I’m doing a run on Astonishing X-Men, I’m doing some Amazing Spider-Man in May, I’m doing a mini series called Fear Itself: Homefront which ties in with the Marvel event Fear Itself. 

Are there any Marvel characters you haven’t done anything with yet that you’d like to?

You know what? I don’t think I’ve done Daredevil Yet.

Growing up were you a Marvel or a DC guy? 

I was a Marvel guy. When I was a kid I spent a lot of my time in Athens, Greece. And it just so happened the only American comics they got there were Marvel, so it just worked out that I was a Marvel guy.

Captain America: Super Soldier comes out in July of 2011 for PS3, XBox360 and the Wii, around the same time that that Marvel Studios movie Captain America: The First Avenger comes out (July 22, 2011, just in time for a Comic-Con screening.)

Welcome to the new Elm Street: a town where kids who are trying to stay awake take relaxing baths, nobody uses Google for some reason and the blades on gardening gloves are made of flint stone. The new Nightmare on Elm Street film hits theatres today and I’m here to tell you that the producers of this movie didn’t spend too much time thinking about why people liked the original movies to begin with. I want to let everyone know that I really, truly tried my hardest to like this film. Freddy Krueger has always been my favorite character of the classic fantasy-horror genre and I really wanted to usher in a new era of new Freddy movies. I forgave it its many misses until I hit a breaking point. What was this breaking point, you ask? Read on to find out why this film is horribly unlikable, why it cheapens what they did over 20 years ago and why, even though it’s Freddy, you probably shouldn’t waste your time. My main gripe? Well, as much as I hate to say it, the original is scarier, the kids actually made better decisions to try and stay alive, and the plot was a little more cut and dry.

Summary + “The Good”
We start out in a quiet, creepy diner (that looks like it’s across the street from the one in Legion) where no high school students would really hang out unless they were a part of this movie. A guy is obviously having some kind of nightmare and Freddy cuts his hand in his dream, he wakes up and his hand is hurt. This is fine, we’re introducing Freddy to a new generation of teenagers who might not have seen this horror classic yet and are just looking for a fun time out at the movies. This is the studio’s target audience. It has to be.

Needless to say, the kid dies in the first scene in front of his girlfriend Kris, played by Katie Cassidy (who does a great job on this film) and we follow Kris through the first part of the film while she’s realizing that Freddy is in everyone’s dreams and that he is real, much like we knew going into the film.

Freddy slowly picks everyone off until we get to know our new Nancy, the one we know will survive. C’mon, I mean, it’s NANCY. Played by Rooney Mara, she’s an adorable mix between Felicia Day and Emily Blunt, and brings some believability to the relationships and characters throughout the film. Nancy is more of an outcast in this version of Nightmare and is a little bit more of the “misunderstood” type, which is fine. She and her love interest Quentin (played by Kyle Gallner which you might know as the star of The Haunting in Connecticut or “Beaver” from Veronica Mars) spend the film trying to stay awake and getting to the bottom of what really happened to Fred Krueger and why he’s tormenting them.

Newsflash: Freddy’s An Asshole

                              “Why isn’t he my friend?”

After a while they figure something out that the kids in the original 80s film figured out MUCH quicker, and pretty much always knew: Freddy Krueger wants to kill you because he is an asshole. This film deals with the kids trying to prove Fred Krueger’s innocence until they realize he really was actually child molester. Yes, they play that angle up. Freddy Krueger is now mainly a child molester, which is why about 20 angry parents decided to burn him instead of bring him to justice, which is dumb. In the original film, the parents were rebelling against the justice system that had failed them due to a technicality, which is why they killed Krueger once he was wrongfully let out of jail. Oh and also, Krueger had KILLED their children at that point, a MUCH better reason to burn someone alive than alleged molestation.
 

The Biggest Disappointments

1. Is Freddy Innocent?
The fact that they play a game of back-and-forth regarding Fred Krueger’s innocence takes up way too much time that could have been spent scaring the pants off of children, like the original achieved in much better, creepier and scarier ways. Freddy Krueger in this film is much more of a slasher than the Freddy we all grew up knowing and loving. Part of the terrifying mystery of Freddy Krueger was that he was an unadulterated killing machine with almost god-like powers from the very beginning and if he was after you, you have no idea how you were going to die. Which leads me to…

2. Lack of Creative, Terrifying Deaths — They Didn’t Play With Our Minds

                      This is how Freddy SHOULD kill people

 
In this new version, pretty much every death is caused exclusively by Freddy’s glove. This is a huge problem. Why? Because Freddy is much better than that, which makes this film one huge missed opportunity for classic cinematic kills. Freddy has a LOT more at his disposal. In the original film, Freddy sucks people into beds, which (if the original movie scared you) means that when you go to sleep tonight, you’re not going to feel safe in your own bed because it might eat you. I mean in 1984 they were even able to suck a guy completely into a bed, then spew out guts, a lot of blood and gore, and a few bones… instead of just slicing him up all over the place. One image is much more effective than the other, much more unexpected and therefore actually kind of scary/disturbing one. I mean, look at what they did to Johnny Depp in the original (above)! Johnny Depp!!!

VS.

AND THEN…

Really? THIS killed her? This doesn’t even look that bad, there’s not that much blood. Maybe she should eat more red meat.

Katie Cassidy’s character Kris dies in the same way her parallel character, named “Tina” in the original film dies, she spins around in the air and is thrown against walls, and then is finally scratched up fatally by Freddy. I wouldn’t be such a stickler of preserving this scene if the problem with the new one wasn’t WORSE special effects than in the 80s and WAY too many cuts. Let’s take the original Exorcist, for example (when they remake THAT, by the way, I give up on Hollywood): some of the scariest parts that made it one of the most terrifying and memorable films of all time were not made up of a series of fast cuts which barely allow you to figure out what’s going on. They were still shots that persisted throughout a scene that displayed the horror that was going on from far away enough so that you can see everything, but close enough so that you know you couldn’t escape. Almost like you were there. This scene was horribly botched in the remake because of the series of cuts that ruined the flow of what could have been a really disturbing scene. Also, it really doesn’t look like those scratches could kill someone.

3. The Use of CGI

VS.

                                       CGI ISN’T SCARY

The classic scene where Freddy is coming at Nancy through a wall was one of the most landmark, amazing and disturbing scenes in film history. In this new one, it just looks like some of the worst parts of The Mummy.

Would using organic effects or even fake, liquid, blood in any horror movie made after the 90s increase global warming? Is THAT why they never do it anymore? Whatever it is, the use of CGI in this film makes it so that the audience NEVER connects with ANY of the deaths in this remake. Everything is so badly done (I thought Michael Bay had more money than this), that it really takes you out of the scene. This wouldn’t be such a huge disappointment if they hadn’t attempted and then achieved this in a film made almost 20 years ago.

4. The Kids’ Choices
Sure, how are these kids supposed to know what to do when a supernatural being is trying to kill them? Well, I have one question: what fucking world did they grow up in? Kids of this generation have been fed SO many movies like this, that it’s ridiculous when they’re not in their element just a LITTLE bit more when stuff like this happens in movies. It’s almost like having kids in the movie without cell phones.

The kids in the original films had EVERY excuse not to know what to do because every supernatural slasher flick was just being pioneered at the time. The audience didn’t have a better idea of what to do in any given situation, therefore neither did the kids. Ostensibly, every kid in this movie (which does NOT seem like the type of kid to be “too cool” to watch horror movies) has to have seen at least ONE supernatural horror movie. I mean one of the main characters wears a Joy Division shirt for God’s sake. Until the two main characters escape the hospital near the end of the film to try and solve the Freddy mystery, nobody ARMS THEMSELVES. WITH ANYTHING. There is someone apparently after them. Why the hell do they take the time to bring their iPods everywhere, but don’t bring at least a KITCHEN KNIFE?

5. No Comedy
Freddy is a dull, boring slasher in this movie until the last scene, where they (finally) start to have fun with his dialogue. In the original, at least he’s laughing through a large part of it, so that we know that it’s someone that really relishes what he’s doing. Jackie Earl Haley’s Freddy is just sadistic and vengeful, instead of just sadistic. This humanizes Freddy to a point where you’re not sure whether or not to side with him through a lot of the film. Really? We’re on Freddy’s side for a while? Isn’t this whole franchise based on Freddy as an antagonist?

Anyway, they don’t start with the trademark puns/jokes during killing until the end. I don’t think the producers realize that these aren’t just there for camp-factor, they’re there because they make the audience laugh and because someone who is joking around about doing such horrible things to innocent teenagers is a much more disturbing image than someone you feel sorry for throughout 80% of a film.

Too little, too late.

6. No Sex
We can officially call it quits on needless nudity and frivolous, predictable, hilarious, pre-getting-killed sex as a staple of the horror genre. It has been ignored, thrown out the window and buried forever by all the major remakes. Why does this matter? Well, because it’s just a nice homage to where the fantasy-horror genre started. I get that we have to move on, but it used to be that when you went to see horror movies, you were seeing something made for adults — not something middle school kids’ parents can just drop them off at the movies for. So many scenes in this film were neutered. Even the classic bathtub scene.

vs.

7. My Breaking Point — Sound Scares and Lightning-Fast Children

I really don’t get it. When did the horror film community decide that a movie going “BOO!” at you is scarier than disturbing images? This has been a new paradigm in the remakes of any classic horror films. I like to call this type of scare a “Sound Scare”. Loud noises and quick images come out of nowhere for no reason but to startle you, not to scare you. To startle you. I know this point has been driven into the ground, but it’s 2010. I thought we’d get over this after about 10 years of these being a remake’s ONLY source of actual scares… BOO!

Also, what’s with every Bruckheimer or Bay remake of anything horror-related having sound scares involving a child running REALLY fast in the foreground? Where the hell are these kids going so quickly and why? Are they late for something? Why don’t they just walk directly in front of the person who is in this hallway, house, or street? They’re about to stand DIRECTLY in front of and then creep the hell out of them anyway.

Finally…
I didn’t go in expecting a carbon copy of the original, I came in expecting a Michael Bay produced re-imagining; just like you should if you go see this. Here’s the thing, though: it’s FREDDY. Arguably the most beloved character in horror rivaled only by Chucky or Jason, Freddy Krueger has always been the funniest and most creative killer in the horror world. He’s now been reduced to a slasher. No weird, cartoon-like, disturbing, brutal display of power in his kills anymore — just a little slice and dice. I

It also wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t replicated the kills from the original and then just made them WORSE. They didn’t make them look better. With all the technology we have today, they actually made the kills (and Freddy) look WORSE. That’s impressive, considering the easel they were given: one of the most fun, iconic and potentially terrifying characters in the history of film.

Because they included SO many elements and recycled scenes from the original in this new film, it wasn’t a remake — it was a bastardization.

My only hope for the future of the once-beloved franchise lies in the fact that they actually started having fun with the character near the end of this movie; which could mean that in the next one (inevitable) we’ll get something closer to what Freddy movies are SUPPOSED to be: entertaining.

“Okay! I’ve got one more [question]. Is this world protected? Cause you’re the first one who has come here. Oh, there have been so many. And what you’ve got to ask yourself is: what happened to them?… Hello. I’m the Doctor. Basically… run.”

This is Matt Smith’s true introductory moment as The Doctor in the Fifth Series (Season, for American folks) of the new Doctor Who. Matt Smith’s Doctor is younger looking than our previous (Tenth) Doctor, played by the man often revered by many to have been the best Doctor in the history of the near fifty-year franchise.

I want to start out by saying that the youth really suits the character. Tennant’s Doctor was so tortured. Every time Tennant’s Doctor was happy, it was as if he was experiencing something new. Tennant’s Doctor allowed himself to become somber, dire and melancholic quite easily. There was always a bit of sadness in Tennant’s Doctor. The happy-go-lucky nature of Tennant’s Doctor would change on a dime because this was a Doctor who very much remembered everything that had ever happened to the character; and he carried that weight with him. Always trying to move on to the next adventure, that Doctor was constantly fighting against his inner demons. As the seasons (series for all you Brits out there) went on, any happy-go-lucky left in the character was beat out of him. Losing companions, best friends, then facing the people who made him sad in the first place at the end of his run; Tennant’s Doctor was in shambles by the time we lost him, much like the Tardis.

Series five. Episode one. The Tardis, tumbling towards Earth and over London, comes in for a crash landing in a little girl’s backyard. Enter Emilia (Amy) Pond, a little girl with a crack in her wall (that will eventually be the problem that spawns the antagonist for the episode, causing The Doctor to have to save the world in 20 minutes), who lives alone, takes care of herself and is scared out of her mind, yet is willing to take a strange man in, one that she feels is an answer to a prayer she made… to Santa Claus.

Matt Smith’s Doctor is figuring his body out, trying all kinds of foods in Emilia’s house from bacon to bread and butter, in an effort to find out what he likes to eat. He hates everything normal, that we expect a Doctor to like, and ends up settling on fish sticks dipped in custard. This encompasses the new Doctor, in that he is almost everything Tennant wasn’t.

He is a little more bumbling, he is confident despite himself, he is a little more awkward, and is more easily surprised. Above all else, though, It’s like this Doctor has sobered from the torturous run his last incarnation suffered. This Doctor seems to have almost gotten over it, and has focused on what The Doctor, as a character, actually DOES. Tennant seems like he spent the whole of his run trying, and often failing, to be happy and trying to forget his past at every cost. With every season, though, he was just given more past to have to forget. But at his heart(s), The Doctor is such an adventurer. Tennant’s Doctor is what we, as an audience, got as a balance between what The Doctor wants to be and how he logically should feel after everything that has happened to him.

It was a much more tortured, mourning, and purpose-filled Doctor… Matt Smith’s Doctor seems to achieve what the last one kept trying and failing to do. He is a true escapist. There’s a new sonic screwdriver, a new TARDIS and a new theme song, even. If you haven’t seen this episode yet and are a huge fan of the fanchise, then be ready for change. There is a lot. This is a new start for The Doctor.

“I’m The Doctor, I’m worse than everybody’s Aunt!… No, that’s not how I’m introducing myself”

This quote, I think, solidifies the fact that this Doctor is ready to move on. Even his new catch phrase is a change of direction, in that this Doctor is a true escapist. A true adventurer. Tennat’s “Allons-y” (meaning onward, forward or “let’s go”) was his character going, racing toward a better, happier future. Matt Smith’s Doctor’s “Geronimo!” is a great example of how this character goes with the flow a little more, and tends to have a childlike enthusiasm for the unexpected that he actually seems to relish.

The awesome characteristic that Matt Smith has retained from Tennant’s run is that his Doctor is also a back-and-forth dogfight between problem solver, hero and show off. It’s the deserved-arrogance and playful cockiness we love from The Doctor. It’s still there.

As Matt Smith solves every problem in this episode in an almost MacGuyver fashion with no TARDIS and no sonic screwdriver, we discover that we have not lost a character and that this isn’t really a drastic change that we’re not going to be able to deal with because of how much we loved Tennant; it’s a new beginning. With the same character. It’s The Doctor, and he’s here to have fun with and for all of us.

                                    The new TARDIS interior even LOOKS brighter

This new season also seems to be a little more adult, almost to an early-Torchwood capacity in that it has a character that is looking at pornography when The Doctor commandeers his laptop, a companion who is basically a house-called stripper (who won’t turn away as the naked Doctor is changing into his new favorite outfit) and a head-writer who has written some of the darkest episodes since series one (season one for the U.S. folk), Steven Moffatt. We know the weeping angels, the Daleks, and possibly the Timelords, are coming back. This episode, and this Doctor, was by no means a disappointment. It was refreshing. And I can’t wait for more. Who fans everywhere: The Doctor is back. And he doesn’t suck.

We will always miss Tennant, because he really brought the show into its own on this new, reboot-esque run of the franchise, but I think that we, as fans of Doctor Who might (gasp!!!) be ready to move on. With a fresh new Doctor, weight of the world seemingly off his shoulders for at least the immediate moment (and in the words of the new Doctor):
“To hell with the raggedy, time to put on a show.”

Hank Moody is a piece of shit. Throughout the entire first season of Californication, David Duchovny’s depiction of this promiscuous and thoroughly flawed main character makes me wonder about MY life. What am I doing wrong? Why won’t ridiculously hot women come up to ME when I’ve just spent all night drinking and I roll out of bed looking like crap and act like a loser at a local book store? Oh, right, cause I’m not this fictional freaking character. Nobody can POSSIBLY get this much ass this easily or I give up – I give up being a man. After this, the entire first season proceeds to be about Moody’s sexual conquests and one predictable fuck up after another. Our reluctant and almost unbelievably apathetic main character is pretentious and makes you wonder a few things:

1. How does he live in these ridiculously expensive places in Venice? He’s done literally nothing with himself in years.

2. What DOES make him happy?

3. What redeeming qualities does he have?

None of these questions are answered in the first season of Californication. The whole season is kind of a chore.

Then you get to the second season, which is about 5 times better than the first, and answers all these questions.

Throughout this season, Moody redeems himself for the entire first season by giving us a dose of his humanity. Throughout the first season his ex-wife, daughter, and friends are all the only redeemable characters in the show. From the very first episode of this second season, Moody becomes something a casual viewer of the first season never would have imagined: the show’s moral compass. The entire second season tests every character’s will and just about every character falls short of your expectations for them – except Hank. All of a sudden we’re given a relatable man who is, despite his drug-induced, rock ‘n’ roll, junkie lifestyle, trying to keep his life together. What?! Nooo, not the Californication guy! Yes! That guy! *and the audience goes wild because they finally have a character they care about on this show*

You have quite a bit of fun in this season watching Hank’s best friend Charlie (Sex and the City’s Evan Handler, who always inexplicably plays guys who get cute brunettes) begin to ruin his marriage by not only losing his job, but then taking on the adorable pornstar Daisy (Undeclared’s Carla Gallo) as a client. Hank also makes a new friend in this series that ends up arching as a complication and plotpoint throughout the entire season.

This second season of Californication is more than watchable, it’s actually enjoyable. Although the theme song is still one of the worst theme songs in current television (worse than The Office AND Dollhouse), the show finally earns its Showtime stripes. I found myself plowing right through these episodes, as opposed to the first season where it felt like walking through tar.

Even though Hank is trying his hardest to be a good person, there is actually more T & A in this season than there was in the last. Oh David Duchovny, when will your sex addiction NOT lead to a successful television vehicle for you? I can now, finally (safely) say that this show is actually better than Red Shoe Diaries. Can’t wait for the third season.

Californication Season Two is out on DVD now.

 
For a free copy of the second season of Californication, just email me with the name of the underaged girl Hank inadvertantly has sex with in the first episode of the first season, and what sexual move she does that inspires Hank to write a book.

gilmore [at] geekscape [dot] net

Also, check out the quiz they’re running to promote this new season:

http://www.areyouhellasexy.com/ 

Who watches the Watchmen? (The obligatory headline for anything in print Watchmen-related for the past few weeks — couldn’t help myself.) Apparently every geek this side of the Dark Knight. This film has hit theaters with greater internet buzz than could be imagined, or even warranted, from something made by the director of films such as the Dawn of the Dead remake and 300. Is it deserved? Does this buzz come from an audience and a community expecting the film version of the book we have all loved for decades? It’s unrealistic to expect such a feat from a film made so long after the initial effect of the book, and made so much after so many conventions have been set by films, superhero and otherwise. Watchmen, as any other review on the internet will tell you, is the Citizen Kane of comic books; in that it pioneered the sophistication of a medium not taken as true art until much alter in its existence. Therein lies the problem, though. Much like my fears about this film being made warned me, this film is a literal and direct adaption of the book (with a few exceptions, of course). That is where Zack Snyder always falls prey to fanboydom, and that is what is missing from his adaptions thus far — a hint of “film” that sends the work over the edge from “perfect adaptation” into “emotionally moving film”.

The performances in the film could not have been better with the script that they were handed, with the exception of both actresses that played the Silk Spectre (I and II, Carla Gugino and Malin Akerman, respectively). Their performances were stunted by what seems like a disconnect between what they were feeling and what the character was supposed to be feeling. They were not outright terrible, but did not fit into the ensemble of the cast which was otherwise fantastic.

Billy Crudup’s Doctor Manhattan is possibly the best performance of the film. As described in the story itself, the most subtle twitches of his eyes have roaring emotion beneath them. Having to live up to that kind of complex, detached, and simultaneously profound persona is something that anyone who read the book would tell you is darned near impossible. Billy Crudup captures the character and makes you believe that Doctor Manhattan is real. You lose yourself in what could be seen as a character comprised solely of CGI. And much like we did with Golem, or other “mo-cap” creatures such as Peter Jackson’s King Kong, we can marvel at the performance of the actor against the technology being used to project their image onto a character that cannot exist; but in Doctor Manhattan, the performance shines through the visual innovation. Great job in Billy Crudup’s part.

Jackie Earle Haley, best known as the Oscar-nominated child predator from Little Children, plays Rorschach exactly as imagined in the book. He takes out his Christian Bale/Dark Knight raspy voice for an embodiment of what we read in the comics as squiggly, seedy, dirty, and cynical words. He does as well a job as could be done with his face being hidden through most of the film, and plays the Napoleon complex and determined rage of the character to a tee. The rest of the performances are done well, true to the character, and scripted well enough.

The film’s strength lies in its performances and in the feeling and tone of the entire setting which Snyder created with his crew while emulating the book as closely as humanly possible. The costume design, albeit somewhat controversial, works (although I’m still not into the nipples on Ozymandias — satirical or not). The art design is true to the book in every imaginable way. There are literally panels from the book in the film itself.

As I said before, Zack Snyder made a near-perfect adaptation of the best graphic novel ever made. But here is where it falls slightly short for me, and here is where the complimentary spoiler warning will begin: the film has the same climax as the book, which is thematic, but feels a little short of the action seemingly being built up throughout the rest of the film.

Watchmen is a story about the human condition, the value of human life, the absoluteness of morality, and the definition of heroes super, and otherwise. Such a sophistication never seen before it in a superhero graphic novel. Aside from the relationships in the story, there are themes that play out until the end that are really the base of the story. The action in the book is there; yet is almost circumstantial. Alan Moore’s opus is meant to paint a picture of a world where superheroes exist in order to tell us about what humanity really needs. Action will be inevitable in a story about crime fighters.

Snyder, on the other hand, took the story and gave it a lot of action; which is more than appropriate, being that the film needed to be not only entertaining, but marketable (also, he is kind of a self-proclaimed action geek). Doctor Manhattan does not pull any punches (figuratively), The Comedian is as morally reprehensible and prone to action as he is in the book, and the opening sequence illustrates the tone of the rest of the film: gory, hard-hitting, action-packed, and entertaining — which is probably Alan Moore’s greatest fear.

So what’s the disconnect? Does the action hurt or help the film? In my opinion, the action precedent set in the duration of the film falls flat in the climax of the film. What happens at the end? There is action, there is a fight between Rorschach, Night Owl, and Ozymandias. Doctor Manhattan grows to a giant and slaps Ozymandias around a bunch. What do we find out about the event the entire film has been leading up to? That while we are watching all this, it has already happened. We get maybe 45 seconds of people (in New York only) suffering the consequences of what the heroes have been trying to stop throughout the entire film. We get no glimpses of what else is going on in the world, aside from visions of news reports, and nothing that truly shows the devastation that has occurred. It seems that not much has changed, physically, in the world. Sure, there is a huge crater, but just in New York. It doesn’t go beyond that, and therefore limits the scope of something that could have seemed a lot bigger and devastating. This would have fixed the need for action-escalation in a story like this. The Watchmen Film is a great adaptation, but not too much more than that.

The book, even, spends 6 uninterrupted, wordless, full pages on the devastation of the world once Ozymandias’ monster/apocalypse hits. The apocalypse that will unite humanity. The film handles this well, takes off the “squid” and makes it make sense for a filmverse of this story, but it does not illustrate what the entire film has been leading up to. Devastation! Ruin! We see thousands of dead bodies in the book, gore, suffering, a city in complete ruins. In the film we see a crater. This is my main problem with this film. The end was a let down, in that it could have done a lot, yet decided to do less, and not for more, but for focus on an ideological/thematic climax (as the book also does) instead of one based on the action precedent set by the rest of the film. Sure, not a huge problem, but it prevented the film for “sealing the deal” for me. The effect of the entire film, the ideology, the problems, the struggle, the true face of what brought the world together and the horror that Rorschach gave his life to expose is mitigated, and that, to me, just wasn’t right. Unfortunately, the one thing Snyder chose to change created the film’s greatest weakness.

Other than that, the film is highly enjoyable. I had a blast seeing characters I loved come to life, seeing panels I remember from years back gracing the silver screen, and hearing voices of characters I’ve wanted to hear for a long time. The film truly is the book come to life, and much like with 300, this was its biggest problem. From a fanboy perspective, there is no way a comics fan could keep his “geek cred” and not see this movie; but from the perspective of an objective audience, the film leaves something to desire in the department of closure. Either way it is a fun film that should be enjoyed by fans of the book and of the genre despite its stunted pacing (due to the chapters of the book being VERY present in the film), questionable music choices (as well as apt ones), and its excessive (and sometimes lacking) gore. This film will make you think: what did I think of this movie? Enjoy the Watchmen and be ready to enjoy the “what was better, Watchmen or the Dark Knight?” debates at your local comic book store, coffee shop, and internet cafe.

p.s. If I had absolute power to control matter, my own and otherwise, I would also make myself a “show-er”

Grenades

Written by:

Jake108

Edited by:

Brian Gilmore

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I haven’t read the books, so I’m still trying to wrap my head around this movie. I want to give it the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the hype machine did such a thorough job of convincing me this movie was going to be good that I came in with higher expectations. No, that can’t be it. I met the director of the movie and author of the books and the most confident thing they had to say about the movie was “…you want to see the characters making out. The whole time….” So, that can’t be where I went wrong. Maybe this movie isn’t made for people like me, I mean based on the trailers shown before the movie alone (which were for a stop-motion/CG film, a teen comedy/cheerleader movie, and a Nicolas Cage movie that made me really just want al. his hair to fall out already…extensions much?) I could tell that this wasn’t treating itself like a blockbuster. At least not in the actual delivery of the film itself. Publicity for this movie was through the roof. Sadly, I don’t think Twilight has what it takes to make it to the status of “the next Harry Potter”. This movie didn’t have a single thing going for it other than potential cut-outs for your wall from the next issue of Tiger Beat.

There were very few (perhaps four or five) comfortable conversations in this movie. Every character has an awkwardness to them that makes you feel like they were in a Lynch film. Let me explain: the characters would say something to each other without intent or purpose in their voice or delivery, and they would get a response from the other cast members that seemed to be shouting through a wall of misunderstanding, while not necessarily experiencing an ounce of frustration. The problem here is that, in Twilight, the audience knows exactly what is going on, how it has to happen, and what each character meant by what they said – something you most likely don’t know while watching a Lynch film. The result is conversations had by characters that have known each other for years, or their entire lives who are playing their dialogue like they just met three minutes ago and accidentaly walked in on each other having sex.

Kristen Stewart does an unexpectedly solid job of bringing personality to a character with very little good or developmental dialogue; but, unfortunately, the performance is only as good as the script allows. She suffers from the same awkward delivery as her fellow cast mates do, and I honestly do not blame any of them for this.

Robert Pattinson was good enough in Harry Potter, most likely because he had very few lines, and was able to hide any kind of lack of real talent behind a British accent (they just sound smarter, sometimes, don’t they?). This is the only character that had any amount of layers in this movie and Robert Pattinson’s conflicted attitude/confusion played well to a high school age vampire that has never been allowed to develop romantically, and will never finish developing physically. Permanently stuck in the most awkward stage of life, Robert Pattinson plays Edward like a character that has actually had to go through the “best years of his life” dozens of times. Was this intentional, though?

Catherine Hardwick (Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown) could have fixed this problem. The performances in the (overrated) Thirteen and the biographical Lords of Dogtown are not bad, right? Well, this is because you had some extremely great talent in front of the camera. Robert Pattinson has never carried a movie. A lot of these actors felt like they were taking a break from television so they decided to try a movie one summer. Clarity or context to the scene, taking the melodrama out of the blocking and dialogue, trying to doctor this so that it comes across as a real, honest, genuine story all could have been actions that would have saved this potentially huge movie. I feel like the director just let the actors be and let them play out the scenes, but she’s not Gus Van Sant and she didn’t have people that could handle that style of directing.

Now, for someone that didn’t read the book, it could be said that this movie wasn’t meant for me; and I honestly don’t think it was. There are so many early clues to the supporting character, Jacob, being a werewolf (which eventually happens in book two) that would just seem like random and unexplained references to someone going into this movie with no prior knowledge of the franchise. The two main characters, whose love drives the story of the entire Quadrilogy of books (and if box office estimates are right, movies), fall “in love” over something that seems like instant infatuation. He likes the way she smells and is intrigued by the fact that he can’t read her mind, and she…she…thinks he’s hot? The character don’t share a single thing in common except for the fact that they seem to both have an affinity for awkward conversation. This tone could be attributed to their age and mutual vulnerability, but I wanted to see at least one scene where I feel the characters (who risk and sacrifice huge parts of their lives for each other) actually have something in common or are acting on something other than “infinite love”. The infatuation isn’t portrayed as anything beyond their physical attraction for each other. Call me an old softy, but I want to know that they are discovering each other’s souls (or lack thereof) during the two or three montages where they don’t touch each other and just talk in fields and beds. Montages. This is the biggest effort on the part of this movie to develop the love story and relationship that is supposed to drive the franchise, your emotions, and this movie.

Now, maybe I should take this movie for what it is and enjoy something that seems like a teen drama for a teen drama. It has all the melodramatic stares, cheesy current music, and mediocrity of a bad teen comedy (Drive Me Crazy with vampries). Maybe that’s all it is. It isn’t this intense love story, a new franchise to look forward to, or a breakthrough film for anyone involved. It’s just a teen story that happens to involve vampires. I mean, even the most intimate moments of this movie were laughable. I’m not just saying that. In a packed midnight-movie theatre filled with the movie’s biggest fans, the most intimate lines, serious parts, and important turning points of the story had the audience sounding like they were a live studio audience on the set of Cheers.

Notable “Big Laugh” Moments:

• Jacob’s brother: “The Cullens don’t come here”

*awkward silence and people staring at each other all around*

Cut to Jacob and Bella walking on the beach

Bella: So what did your brother mean by ‘ The Cullens don’t come here?’

Jacob: Oh, so you caught that, did you?

• Edward: “I have to show you what i really am”

*steps into sunlight and begins to sparkle like Tinkerbell has only ever dreamed of*

Edward: This is the skin of a killer!

*runs away*

Stephenie Meyer’s vampires take all the mystery and sacrifice out of being a vampire: they don’t burn in the sun, they sparkle, they can see themselves in mirrors, they don’t need to drink human blood, they seem to be able to keep their ability to do good. So what’s so bad about being a vampire in the Twilightverse? In my opinion, nothing.

You can try and take this movie for what it is and try to enjoy it, or you can go and pick out your favorite moments from the books (if you’ve read them) in this movie; but don’t go to this movie looking for a good story, solid acting, any kind of suspense, anything resembling a good action sequence, or even a glimmer of emotional impact. Twilight isn’t the next Harry Potter, because Harry Potter made sense and appealed to a mass audience because the films and books followed a great formula and left no questions unanswered – even if you’d never read the books. Unless you’re a fan or are keeping a fan of the book company, this middle of the road movie has nothing to offer you other than giggles and something to talk about (or complain about) with your co-workers. Another notch on the belt of a failed hype machine by over-marketing a less than solid product.

As I was driving to the screening of this movie I was singing Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love at the top of my lungs. I love Hedwig and the Angry Inch and did, very much, roll with the goth crowd in high school. Although, I’m not sure if I used the word “roll” at that point in time. Needless to say, my threshold for cheesy and goth are both very high. I can withstand unbelievable amounts of each, so I went into Repo! The Genetic Opera with a very optimistic air of just wanting to hear some good songs, and to enjoy some power-chords over some auto-tune while hot chicks laden in leather and covered in blood dance around the screen. I barely got the latter, I got the auto-tune quite a bit, but my god did I forget the old adage of “be careful what you wish for” with the power chords. Worst of all, I didn’t get a single good song. Repo! The Genetic Opera was a disappointment in that it could have been something huge had the writer/director and musicians behind the songs not bitten off a lot more than they could chew musically and creatively.

I know more than a few people that have been looking forward to this project for a very long time. I mean hell, it’s about a not-so-distant future in which an epidemic of organ failure has plagued humanity and wiped out a lot of it when a heroic company called GeneCo provides people with hope – organs that can be leased. They save lives, but at what cost? Remember when your student loans went to collections? Well what if they came around and ripped up your diploma? That’s generous compared to what goes on in this story – people who cannot pay off their organs are killed and stripped of their organs by the Repo Man. He is a doctor with a license to kill. Awesome premise, right? Sure, but the only problem here is trying to get some story behind this…someone must have forgotten it somewhere, though, because this film has less story than a nutrition facts label. That might have been a little harsh, but hear me out.

The conflict and emotional impact we are supposed to get out of this movie stems from the delicate father-daughter relationship between the Repo Man (played as well as it could have been by Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Anthony Stewart Head – that’s right – Giles!) himself and his daughter Shiloh (played surprisingly well by Alexa Vega of Spy Kids and Sleepover). The Repo Man is dealing with his plagued existence since he tried to cure his wife of a vague sickness she experienced during pregnancy and ended up killing her. He had a choice to save one of them and he chose his beloved daughter Shiloh. He raised her alone and chooses to sing about it so much that it is almost insulting. There was a point I actually wanted to say “Ok. We get it. You’ve told us three different times in three different ways. Let’s move on”.

Shiloh is currently a seventeen year old rebel that is confined to a bed due to the disease she supposedly inherited from her dead mother. She sings about this at length as well. She constantly disobeys her father, but has a good heart, as she is our primary protagonist in the film.

The antagonism comes from the rich family that owns GeneCo, the Largos, played by Paul Sorvino, Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre, and Paris Hilton. They are evil, and as their father Rotti begins to die, the children vie for the inheritance of the largest corporation on the planet, while the dying man plots his final revenge against the man who not only works for him, but also took the one and only love of his life seventeen years ago – the Repo Man.

Through all of this half-story, nothing gets resolved. No believable relationships are formed between any of the characters, and absolutely no emotional tension is built during any scenes including any of the actors. You know you’re supposed to be rooting for someone the entire time, but don’t feel anything for any of the characters. I could not have cared less what happened to the characters throughout the entire movie. Any deaths, no matter how important, are not felt by the audience at anything but a superficial level.

It’s obvious that the writers are to blame, and the director made this feel as much like a stage play as a film possibly can, but my primary blame for how bored i was throughout the movie will go to the music – or lack thereof.

All the numbers seemed almost jammy in how uneventful and non-chalant they were. The songs were just there, and they did not help to emotionally develop any kind of conflict, tension, relief, longing, or excitement. The vocal melodies done to the very lackluster orchestration of rock songs that had less energy than volume took absolutely zero chances – and the audience feels it at that point. There were about three or four discernible songs in the entire movie and those were each maybe a minute or so long. In a feature-length film, that also happens to be a musical, I want to see a little more than a minute or so a song.

I came in wanting to tap my foot, bob my head, or at least have something sang in a great voice. I was in the mood for a musical. What I got, though, was an opera. Which is fine, but even for an opera, this was lacking.

Now, I understand that operas are a bit different than musicals, but this does not make up for the relentless exposition that was being redundantly fed to the audience under the guise that this is very much a “goth” or “rock and roll” song that is not “supposed” to have structure. I understand the nature of the opera is for a character to explain, out loud, what is going on in a certain character’s head, in the scene, or in their relationships; but that does not mean you can drive that point home in a song that repeats the first sentence or sentiment throughout. I want to see growth in a musical number. Someone has to learn something, or some important plot point must come to light during a song. The songs in most artforms that also involve acting are points of emotion. Points where someone wants something, is lamenting something, or just has something to say. Operas are very much speak-talking, which I am perfectly willing to enjoy, but there must be at least a few full-fledged, well thought-out songs that you can take home with you. This movie has none.

If there is any measure of how disappointing this movie is, it is that the best part about it is arguably Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton’s voice is by no means a great one, but it gets the job done for her character. She plays a spoiled heiress of an empire built on human necessity – a huge stretch for her. She seems to immerse her character in the best musical numbers of the movie, and has a scene towards the end where she loses her face and spends the remainder looking like Freddy Krueger trying to look cute. Awesome.

Other than that, this movie really had very little to offer as a story. It had even less to offer as music. The set design was very much gothic in nature and cliched in more ways than one. The costume design was right out of a Hot Topic, and the final dress worn by our antagonist was a little too Lydia Deets. I almost expected a sandworm to come up and swallow someone. This movie could have been the next Rocky Horror Picture Show, a complement to Hedwig, and it could have made a great cult following for itself – but instead has given us another forgettable stab at giving this generation of goth kids something to love other than Johnny Depp and sex. What did Hedwig and Rocky bring to the table that this does not? Great songs.

I tried my hardest to like this movie, if not just because of how much I personally like Anthony Stewart Head, but can find little redeeming value in any of its efforts beyond the superficial gimmick of being futuristic, goth, and stylized so much that you can see why they might have forgotten to make it interesting beyond some mild gore.

Sorry guys, I know a lot of you had high hopes for this one, but it looks like we’ve got another “miss” in the category of movies looking to achieve some kind of modern cult status. If this achieves any kind of cult status, whoever is really into Rocky and Hedwig should be pissed.

Repo! The Genetic Opera will be out in limited release on November 7, 2008. For those of us in LA, it will be playing at the Sunset Five.

Who watches this show? I mean, really. Is anyone ever really excited for the next gripping and important episode of My Name is Earl? No. Is it something you need to get on Blu-Ray? Definitely not. Is it good television? Hell yeah it is!

While My Name is Earl might not blow the lid off of any of television’s conventions, it definitely leaves you with a great taste in your mouth after every single episode. In a television world filled with cliff-hangers, gore, unbelievable amounts of special effects, and enough post-modern jokes to make you feel like you’re on television as we speak (mind explosion?), a show like My Name is Earl is incredibly refreshing. The show makes you giggle, laugh out loud at times, and does so all under the guise of the situation the show started off with: Earl is going through his list, making amends with all the people he has wronged in his life. Thankfully for the longevity of the show, Earl has done a LOT of bad things. His list goes up to the 200’s.

Through this season, we see Earl and his buddies go through something I really love to see on television shows that have been around for a few seasons – change. Third seasons of shows are often really great, and where a show really starts to either take off or go downhill (Buffy, for example, really came into its own in Season Three). All the characters are established, which only means good things for the situations we are going to see them in.

Earl starts off in jail for something he did last season (he took the fall for his ex-wife Joy, so she wouldn’t have to go to prison). He spends almost half the season in jail and the scenarios and storyline really do not get tired. This team of writers knows exactly how long to drag a storyline out and where to take it so that Earl always comes up on top; because in the end, he is our protagonist and no matter how funny, we want to see him succeed in finishing his list. 

That’s another thing the show has going for it – the mystery of what is going to happen once Earl finishes his list. They touch upon that in this season, and the show goes places that a viewer like myself has wanted to see it go this entire time: Earl falls in love, Earl doubts his list, and Joy comes outside her character and does something sweet.

Speaking of Joy, Jaime Pressly really earns her Emmys in this season. Her character is the perfect blend of self-aware, proud, ignorant, yet not stupid, and completely bitchy and self-involved. Who doesn’t know a girl like that?

Joy finally stops being pregnant in this season, and a lot of the characters go through some minor changes, which is another commendable thing about this series. Not only is the end of every episode satisfying, but it leads into the next episode. See? You don’t always need a cliffhanger for people to watch every episode of your show! All you need to do is not start out with so much tension that all you do is try to top your first episode everytime you sit down and write another one with your writing team! Earl started off coasting and has kept that same pace and reliability throughout its run on NBC. Shows like this equal longevity and although they might not break any boundaries, the time they have on the network allows them to develop their characters so they can get into better, more complex, and even funnier situations.

This season also has one particularly brilliant episode that is a mockumentary of the making of an episode of COPS where all of the main characters get in some kind of trouble. The episode takes place the day of the first anniversary of 9/11. The topical jokes and jabs at ignorance and paranoia in this episode really show that the writers of this show know what they’re doing.

This is a nice show that can fill up time, will make you laugh, will be filled with cameos galore (Craig T. Nelson, Alyssa Milano, Jon Heder, Mike O’Malley, Giovanni Ribisi, Michael Rappaport, and more) and is something relaxing to watch. It won’t bring you over the edge, you’ll have a hard time talking about it with friends, and it’s not going to change anything for you; but you’ll have a good time watching it and the show really “is what it is”.

My Name is Earl Season Three is available in stores now.

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So, for some reason, I sat through an entire season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians in one sitting. These episodes fly by like nobody’s business and I cannot for the life of me tell you why. I have a huge soft spot for really shitty reality TV, but even I have my limits. I thought that I would reach these limits while watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, but my taste in television has apparently hit an abyss that begs, unrelentingly, to penetrate the Earth’s core (yet somehow I still can’t sit through an episode of the newer season of Heroes?….)

What’s wrong with me? Why did I do this to myself, to my precious time, to the people I know, and to you who is reading this? Can I relate to Kim Kardashian herself? No…can I? That must be it. We must be the same person. That’s the only logical explanation, right? Yes. Of course. I mean, check it out:

Kim Kardashian

Model. Bootylicious. Worth over $5 Million. Cries over the release of her sex tape.

Brian Gilmore

Geek. Enjoys dancing. Worth ~$400. Cries over the lack of sexual release in his life.

Ok, so maybe we’re not so alike on the surface, but you don’t want to see yourself on TV, do you? You go to television largely to escape in some way, shape, or form, right? Often, though, the best stories are the ones that go the way you want them to. So maybe I handle life like Kim Kardashian, or the members of her family. Yeah, that’s it. It’s gotta be. I handle life like a Kardashian. For example:

During a Legal Crisis

Kardashians: Stick together, support one another, call their world class lawyers and friends in the entertainment industry for connections and help. Any fines endured roll off their backs like pool water off of Kim’s ass.

Brian Gilmore: Freezes, wakes up at four in the morning for a week straight only to exacerbate the problem by ignoring it, ends up paying out the ass for something he could have prevented. Eats Kroger ham sandwiches for about ten days.

While Attempting to Be Charitable

Kardashians: Take in a homeless man named “Shorty” from their neighborhood, shave him, clean him up, get him new clothes, take him to a dentist, and find him a good homeles shelter. Change a man’s life forever by getting him back on track.

Brian Gilmore: Offers to buy a homeless man lunch, then gives him a weird look when he orders a large soda. $4 for soda?! Has offered a homeless man a hamburger only to be chewed out for his unhealthy eating habits – by the homeless man. Doesn’t usually carry cash and feels the need to articulate that he “only [carries] credit cards” to the homeless community. Expects sympathy.

During a Pregnancy Scare

Kardashians: Confide in each other for secrecy from their parents, immediately tell their supportive boyfriends about the problem, get pregnancy tests, later go to Vegas just to get married in case the pregnancy turns out to be a real issue.

Brian Gilmore: Races to the pharmacy at 3 in the morning for Plan B, because Plan A has obviously failed, thinks about possible escape routes (geographically and emotionally), makes sandwiches and anxiously waits a few days (weeks?!) for the beautiful, freedom-heralding news of vaginal bloodflow.

Ok, so maybe we’re not the same, but maybe that’s why we enjoy reality TV so much – because it is “reality TV. It is televised reality, which really just means that it is reality made into a nice, neat, half-hour package, where things are introduced, heightened, and then resolved in the span of an incredibly manageable time frame. Our problems last days, weeks, months, even years, and it really feels endless. Shows like this give you a sense of accomplishment in someone else’s small and seemingly insignificant triumphs.

I’m not saying this is good television, that these people are good role models for anything/anyone, or that they even have an overwhelming amount of redeeming qualities; but every episode is formatted like a nice, neat sitcom. I enjoyed this first season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. That’s right, I said it. Not because it’s good, or because I really cared about what happened, but because it served as great escapism and that’s all a lot of people are looking for. Which is why television is the way it is, why the media can get away with everything they can, why the staring at a computer screen has replaced face-to-face interaction, and why this world is going to shit. It really was a fun watch, though.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians is out on DVD now in stores!

Who helped create your sense of humor? If you ever got famous for having a sense of humor in any way, who would you say had a hand in creating it? Surely your parents, some family members perhaps, but there’s also, undoubtedly, shows, comedians, movies, cartoons, and maybe even songs that inspired you to think about the world (comedically) the way you do. For me, aside from a few others, the guys from the MTV show The State played a huge part in creating mine. Their sense of humor catered amazingly to what I wanted growing up. Their humor is exactly what I’d always wanted someone to have. It is irreverent, random, subversive and almost uncharacteristically intelligent and even some of my favorite media right now reflects the seeds they’ve sown in my mind of what I want humor to be in what I consume.

Reno 911!: Miami was received very dismissively by my circle of friends, much to my disappointment. The theatrical cut of this movie disappointed some of the most hardcore fans of this sketch comedy group. People who forced themselves to sit through David Wain’s The Ten even came out with a “yeah, I guess it was pretty funny” feeling after seeing this installment of Reno 911!.

Well I can safely say that this version, with all its nuances, allows for a larger amount of irreverence, home-made feel, and honesty that comes with the brand of comedy you are used to from the Reno 911! show and the people that brought you The State. We even get a cameo from every single member of the original cast of The State (We get David Wain, Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, Joe Marino, Joe Lo Truglio, and others). It’s amazing how much a movie like this can just feel like it fits. 

Reviewing a movie that came out over a year ago won’t do anyone much good, but talking about the appropriate tone of this film, the fit that it has, and the feeling that this is the version director Robert Ben Garant probably wanted to put out in the first place makes you regain faith in some of the best comedic minds out there right now.

From masturbating, crashing into the inside of a dead whale, laughing at a topless woman in turmoil, getting a homeless man’s face tattoo’d on your breasts, to taking a weed whacker to a man’s face, this movie’s pace speaks like a faster version of the show that just begs to be watched. Tag on the entire other version of the film that is contained on the DVD, and all the hilarious outtakes and extras, and this Unrated cut is one of the better buys or rentals you could spend your night with.

Reno 911!: Miami Unrated Cut is now out on DVD

Some people are a disease. Your life is better off without them and moving on is the only way to go. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist has this point to make, a fairy tale story to tell, and a great performance or two; but other than that it really is has very little to offer in terms of originality or justification of spending the cost of your movie ticket on it. You have to be in the mood for a movie like this, and that is perfectly fine. It is a journey so sweet that you’re going to be grasping for water; but if your taste buds can take it, you’ll like it ok.

If I have to say one thing about the movie that is positive (which I don’t, but hey, here goes), it’s that it is really familiar. You think about your life during this movie, times you’ve had that mirror nights like the one that Nick and Norah share, and people that you’ve let go and have had something with that is now complete history. But is this familiar because this movie paints it realistically or just because all the factors encased in this film are something we all, at one point, encounter?

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist starts off well enough: Nick is leaving his now ex-girlfriend Tris a long voicemail that introduces what the character is feeling to the audience. It is cute, well-executed, and a good opener. We then cut to Norah’s school where we see Tris treating Norah like shit and throwing away one of the mix CD’s that Nick has made her. Norah grabs the mix out of the garbage because “he makes the best mixes”, and we immediately get taken out of any kind of context that could be painted as an honest movie. It is now a romantic comedy first and foremost. She is already in love with the concept of Nick. We know where this is going.

Nick is an “emo punk indie boy”, as described by Norah at some point in the film, who is in a band with two gay guys who love the minor stardom that comes in being in a well-liked local band. The gears really start turning when we go to a show of theirs. Norah and Tris both show up. The scene is set.

Norah has a rivalry with Nick’s ex-girfriend (that he is so desperately, and familiarly, hung up on) Tris. Tris is a bitch. Tris is the girl you love to hate, and definitely do nothing but hate throughout the entire film. I, at one point, had to fight the urge to flip off the screen when she was talking. Very well cast role. Tris criticizes Norah on a minutely basis, and we get their rivalry almost immediately. It is pretty much thrown in our face.

Minor spoiler alert here, but Nick and Norah’s journey starts off with Norah lying to Tris and saying that she has a boyfriend, then walking over to Nick and asking him to pretend they are dating without knowing that he is “Tris’ Nick”. She kisses him at this point, and we might as well have seen fairy dust sprinkling out from above their heads. This is where the film made me resign to the idea that this is not the honest, realistic, and “Before Sunshine”esque movie that I had been promised. It is magical. It is something outside foreseeable reality that is made to make you feel good, nostalgic, lonely, enchanted, and optimistic all at once. It is a romantic comedy.

At this point, we meet (please excuse the pun, but really, this movie is like a fairy tale) the three fairies: Nick’s two band mates, and a cute boy that they meet after the show who knows where to find the rare show being played later that night by a band that seems to be everyone’s musical messiah. Everyone is trying to get to this concert for the rest of film. These three guys do everything from set up Nick with Norah, to fix his car, to try and take Norah’s drunk best friend home, to even dress Norah up in more acceptable clothing to make her more attractive to Nick. They are very silly, over the top, and spend the entire film trying to get the two together. They are bickering, bumbling, seemingly incompetent, but pull everything they want to pull off in the end, and even save the day at some point. Perfect three fairies.

These characters are another reason the film really takes you out of reality and punches you in the face with “this. is. a. romantic. comedy”. They are the comic relief beyond Nick and Norah’s endearingly awkward exchanges in the first half of the film. They work with the film, but help paint that this is not a movie based in reality. This is fine, and they are very likable characters, but a person definitely needs to be in the mood for the syrupy sweetness that these three guys add to the film.

Possibly the highlight of the film, and by far carrying the best performance, was the character of Caroline – played masterfully by Ari Graynor. She plays Norah’s drunk best friend. She carries the biggest gross-out scene in the film and makes it work in a way that fit the tonality of the rest of the characters perfectly. She manages to stay drunk throughout the entire film and not become the least bit annoying. We all know a girl like Caroline, and we have all encountered a girl like Caroline. Be it your girlfriend, love interest, sister, best friend, or just someone who has bumped into you and made you smile, we all know a girl who is so drunk that she makes you laugh and worried at the same time. The thought “someone take care of her, please” goes through your head when you meet a girl like this and that particular impulse is exactly what makes Graynor’s characterization of this archtypical staple of your young-adult life so accessibly sympathetic.

The score is a modern indie rock potpurri of all the most heart-tugging B-sides from bands that, if you like indie rock, you pretty much cannot escape. The choices of music don’t guide you through the film, but push you to emotional places that make you fully aware that you are listening to a song that is supposed to bring out a certain feeling in you. The music is too much some of the time, but fitting for some of the film. The pleasant tones of a lot of the newest bands underscore the youth of this story and bring it home that this is a romantic comedy that could have been brought out from the mind of a teenager in a band living in New York as we speak.

Overall, the movie goes places you can completely expect and predict. Like I said before, it really brings the message of moving on and living your life to the table, very much to the story’s credit. Beyond this, though, the movie takes you through a journey of all the most ideal scenarios with which you could meet someone. If you could go into a young emo teenager’s mind and tear out what they have always wanted, then you would find this story. It pulls out the formula of a romantic comedy and applies it to a newer generation in a way that feels very forced in using Juno-esque contrived slang and “told youth” (youth that is told to you and written into the dialogue to really spell it out for you, instead of being implied by the actions and performances of the characters).

The movie really does pull at your heart strings, though, and it goes exactly where you want it to just like any other romantic comedy out there. This is a great date movie, and something that will definitely make you talk after you see it. Don’t expect any uncharted waters, anything unpredictable, anything that makes you think, or anything that will give you a new perspective on romantic comedies. Expect a hyper-sweet piece of fluff with a hint of personality, a bit of magic, and one solid performance.

Pulse 2: Afterlife drops you right in the thick of the nightmarish and post-apocalyptic world where Pulse 1 left you – in a seat, watching a Pulse movie. At the end of the first Pulse, the cities of the world belong to the spirits that are somehow able to travel through electrical waves and infect humans with a “virus” that not only kills them, but leaves them in a purgatory-like state for all eternity where are doomed to repeat the way they died over and over again on Earth while looking like they’re reruns on an old television. The people who are still alive can protect themselves by putting red electrical tape on windows and staying away from areas with cellular phone reception. Other than the fact that they don’t seem to figure out that they just need to tear down the power lines, this film doesn’t make any sense to someone who didn’t go in knowing all of this – and that is perhaps its biggest problem.

This film presupposes a lot of knowledge on the audience’s part about the world they set up in the first film. We start off in an apartment complex with people that have gone insane, a person draped completely in red, avoiding the spirits that have plagued and now control the town where he lives. He is spotted by a spirit and nothing really happens – the credits roll. This is not a way to introduce someone to a film, even if it is operating under the guise that it is a sequel. Being a sequel is no excuse for bad storytelling. You need a setup, you need characters to guide you through that setup and you need to follow through on the natural flow and direction of your story. This film does none of these things.

Jamie Bamber (Captain Apollo form Battlestar Galactica) stars as a father, we are introduced to in this film, of a girl he gains custody of after he and his wife split up. The woman kills herself later because of this and her spirit is the main antagonist of the film – trying to exact revenge on the man that scorned her in life. It seems like a very myopic story to tell in a world where humans have been completely eradicated from the Earth save for a few survivors. Do we really care about characters we have never seen or heard of enough to follow them through an entire journey in this world we barely know? Apparently this film thought we did.

I would have wanted to see what happened to the character in the first film who lost her lover – or at least the survivor community that she might have found. I want to see humans living in this world, what they are like and what drives each of them to act in the way they do that is representative of their surroundings. I want human drama told in a Lord of the Flies-esque setting where you find out the best and worst of those around you when you are getting picked off by your own loved ones. How cool is that? The Pulse people are operating under a completely doable premise, and it doesn’t even have to cost that much or look that good. They don’t have to go to the lengths that they did in this installment (there is a Pulse 3 coming out next year) – for example: green-screening a cabin. I swear to God the cabin in this movie is green screened, and if this is true, this is absolutely ridiculous. You can’t find a set of a cabin? Anyway, the disappointment lies in the potential of the premise. This is what you wanted at the end of the last one, if you wanted anything other than to leave, and it is not delivered in this second installment.

We don’t get to know the characters too well beyond that the father is about as good at parenting as Tom Cruise was in War of the Worlds, and that the girl misses her mother. He tries to bring her back to a community of survivors living in the woods, well beyond the reach of any cell phone reception (apparently the entire Earth has switched to Sprint in this world). They almost shoot his daughter because she looks like she might have the disease that caused all of this chaos to begin with. Bamber’s character shows them that it is dirt and they move on. This is about as much depth as we get into the minds of the characters in this film. As the storyline unravels, we see Bamber’s character go through zero transformation, and the daughter not get anything but angry.

The payoff of this story is a conclusion that is very much a “horror movie ending”. Now, I’m not one for happy endings, and I really do love films and stories that have something so poignant to say, that it can only be said in a down-ending or a quick punch in the face from “reality”. This film doesn’t do that. It completely violates the direction it was going in – the glimpse of character relationship development that we got throughout the film was completely destroyed, and we seem to be back to square one, having learned nothing, and gained nothing out of the entire experience that we didn’t get from the last film. It was pointless and did not amount to anything of value.

I love horror movies. I love crappy horror movies. I love movies that go off the deep end and allow you to just take them in and have fun. I love just enjoying the ride of a horrible train-wreck of a film and enjoying it with a few drinks and a few friends. This film wasn’t even fun “bad”. It was just pointless, so I am very much not judging against the best films of the year, but against any other straight-to-video sequels to mediocre American remakes of Japanese horror movies. It did not measure up, sadly, because Jamie Bamber really did a great job. He did as well as he could with the tools he was given and somehow drew a character out of this under-written and poorly scripted father. Great job, Mr. Bamber, everyone makes these movies, because  hey, they’ve got bills to pay, and our opinions have not changed about you and we still admire your range and skill. He really was the best part of this movie. I don’t blame him. I blame the writer/director, but what more could anyone really expect from the director of the the fourth and fifth installments of the Prophecy sequels?

This movie is a waste of time. There is no tension, there are no scary moments, there is nothing that could possibly make you care about the characters enough to really build any kind of real fear, and it was a horrible waste of a perfectly good premise. There is a surprisingly good performance from Jamie Bamber with what he was given. – no matter what you do for a living. Not highly recommended. 

Pulse 2: Afterlife is available now on DVD from Dimension Extreme! and available for giveaway for the first person to email me at gilmore@geekscape.net.

Remember in Cruisin’ USA and Cruisin World when you would go so fast that you would make jumps? Why did that matter and why were we so exhilarated when it happened? It made our hearts tingle because of how real the car felt. It wasn’t Mario Kart, and it wasn’t anything too over the top – it was you, in a car, racing and feeling like you were doing it (at least that’s how I justify all the quarters I spent on that game as a child). Pure takes this to quite a few next levels with its handling, gameplay, and the way that Disney Interactive decided to make this game largely strategy based during racing makes it all the more exciting. I’m not much of a racer, but this game will have you swearing when you either miss or land your first high jump to the empty room – more on the empty room later.

Pure is one of the first games by new publisher Disney Interactive and it looks absolutely amazing and feels just about perfect. It is an ATV racer that takes you off-roading all over the world. It gives you the option of racing in a Single race or to be part of the World Tour. The World Tour consists of 10 levels, each with at last 4 different racing experiences in them. In Sprint mode, you are basically just hauling ass until the race comes to a halt in a competition (in the default difficulty setting) that will challenge even the most avid racing gamer.

The clean view of everything around you, the depth of the backgrounds and the sky, and the clear and impressive way even the most highly customized ATV looks during the introductory scenes of every race give this game little to accomplish beyond its looks. The game looks so good that you’re pretty much already have a great time by the time the race starts.

You are revving your engine, getting ready for the ride of your life, and then you start out – The ATV feels amazing. It feels like it might if you were riding one of these. The weight, the acceleration, the speeds you reach (which are never too over the top unless you are using your nitrous), are all quasi-realistic. When riding through the tracks, pre-loading before a jump, and landing one you thought you wouldn’t, you have a sense of danger. You don’t want to fall in this game, and not just because you might fall behind. The way the gameplay is setup makes you care about the well-being of you character, and that is one of the most important parts of any video game. How is this care established? The Thrill Meter.

There is a Thrill Meter at the bottom of the screen that fills up a little every time you land a jump. It goes back down every time you fall or face the wrong direction or get lost. This Thrill Meter fills up when you land a jump, but diminishes every time you use the built-in nitrous boosters. The boosters are a key part of the racing experience in that they are the difference between winning and losing a match. This means the Thrill Meter makes you decide what you want, to pull off awesome tricks (the more juice you have in the meter, the “sicker” the jumps you can pull off), or to win the race. This strategy balances the game out amazingly, and basically means that you cannot just race – you’ve gotta get your balls ready for some crazy effing jumps.

The jumps in this game are what make it an action-packed thrill ride. That’s right. They preserve a sense of tension, because you may not land most of them until you are seasoned in playing the game. So even on the long stretches of flat dirt (which are really not too common) you are keeping your eye on the hillside to gauge the size of the next jump that could either make or break your place in the race.

The game really keeps the action going by not letting you get lost, get stuck, or go in the wrong direction too often. It places you back before the jump you missed if you miss a jump (which puts you farther back in the race), or it turns you around and puts you in the right direction very quickly without you doing a thing. The way it is handled caters to making the action and speed of this game inevitably fast.

The incentive for winning, also, is not just your own pride/sense of accomplishment, or the promise of a “trophy” of some kind – it is upgrades to your ATV. Your ATV is your baby in this game. It is your life and death and you have to constantly upgrade it, modify it, paint it however your mood changes. The ATV’s are customizable almost to a fault. I know absolutely nothing about ATV’s and went through the ~30 part process of building my own in the game from scratch. I built it based on the attributes provided to me by the meter giving stats on “Speed, Acceleration, Tricks, etc.” It got to the point where I didn’t really care about things like handle bars and my seat (of which there are two initial choices which really don’t look all that different to me), but I went ahead and chose anyway. Set aside a good 10 minutes to customize your ATV. It takes a little too long, but the attention to detail is quite amazing, and makes you feel like your ATV is a lot like the achievement you get when you build one form scratch – “One of a Kind”.

Needless to reiterate, the gameplay in this racer is unbelievable. It’s exciting, it’s fast as hell, and the handling/speed provide a sense of faux-danger that keeps you enticed right before every jump (i.e. “during the majority of the game”).

When you land a great jump you will be screaming as hard as when you fall on your face and see what mess you can make of the position of your virtual body. I chose the black guy. He rocked, but surprisingly said “Oh shit” at some point – way to take a chance Disney Interactive! Honestly, commendable.

Like I said before, though, you will be screaming into an empty room. Why? This game, my friends, get ready for it, is ONE PLAYER. You can play with people online – up to 16 people per-race to be exact, but you can’t play with someone in the same room. Now, I know this is quite common among games nowadays, but do I sound old in saying “what the hell?!”. This is a RACING GAME. Racing = competition, competition = you + ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. The most exciting thing about a competition is winning over someone you know, something real, something tangible. When did you have more fun, going through the motions and beating Shao Kahn and Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat games, or owning your friends on it in multiple, nail-bitingly close and exciting games? We all know the answer. Take Mario Kart, do you look forward to winning a cup against the game or against your friends? Why are the Guitar Hero games so popular? OK, it’s because they’re innovative (for the US) and fun – but another staple of that game is the fact that you can play people, have them over, and set it up at almost any party now and people will play.

The long term playability of this game is, then, compromised when you can’t have someone over to play it. Sure, you can play people online, but then you have to have two games…and two XBoxes. It’s not practical and does not make sense for a game with a basic function that caters to, at the very least, two players. I understand if they can’t go three or four, fine, that’s ok, I’m used to abuse, but not two players in the same room? Absolutely ludicrous for a racing game, I don’t care how common it is. It makes you think, who are they targeting here? Obviously not families with more than one child, because the sharing fights would be through the room. The races are long enough to make it annoying to wait for your turn. So, with its vast attention to customizing detail, are they targeting ATV enthusiasts? Really? I mean even those guys get together with their buddies to watch “World’s Craziest _____” all the time. Can every single one of them really afford an XBox AND this game? It’s just beyond me. Maybe I’m getting old.

The game is an absolute thrill and is as beautiful as it is fun. It has me coming back for more and looking forward to playing it even while I’m at work – I actually can’t wait to come back to it. I don’t really like racing games, and quite honestly wouldn’t buy most or any of them – but if you do, this is the one to get right now (unless you don’t have XBox live). It’s an amazing, action-packed, non-stop, adrenaline-filled gaming experience that really puts you in the game and my main and only qualm with it, judging it on the basis of a racing game, is that you’re experiencing all of that alone.

Pure is now out in stores everywhere for XBox360, PS3, and PC by Disney Interactive Studios.

In this modern age of gaming, politicians love ripping into video games as a cause for violence. Most of these allegations are ridiculous. On September 5, 2008, an eleven year old boy from Johnson Creek, Wisconsin accidentally shot himself. Instead of blaming parents for leaving a loaded rifle in the house and letting him skip school, let’s all sit back and blame “Halo.”

The story can be found here. According to investigators, they believe “…that after playing a combat video game called ‘Halo’, Nimm took the gun and tried to recreate some of the things that had occurred in the game.”

Why must an M-rated (M is for Mature Audiences Only) video game be blamed for the death of an 11-year old? Not only that, but in the entire Halo franchise has anyone, (and I’m talking main characters, side characters, marines, and Covenant), ever pointed a rifle to their own head? The answer is no.

The closest moment in Halo’s story that could possibly be considered as resembling suicide was towards the end of Halo 3. To prevent “The Great Journey” from starting, the Prophet of Truth needed a Human to get the ball rolling. Sgt. Johnson (ironic?) wanted his rescuer, Commander Miranda Keys, to kill him and herself.

Spoiler warning, Washington! Keys never pulled the trigger! The most that happened was Keys pointing the gun at Johnson. But seriously, who hasn’t seen someone point a gun at someone else in a video game? If Nimm was somehow emulating a game of Halo when he shot himself… he was probably pretty bad at the game. Jonathan, our Editor in Chief, loved playing Donkey Kong as a child. This didn’t cause him to run around with a mallet smashing barrels or throwing them down ramps and stairs (to our knowledge).

There’s a line between a plausible cause and manufacturing a thinly veiled scapegoat for errant parenting. If you suggest that “Halo” was the cause of the young boys accidental death, you are stepping over that line. I don’t know the parent(s). I can’t say that they are bad parents, but according to the article the boy believed the gun to be unloaded. It’s the same thing as messing with your home’s electrical system without turning the electricity off – it’s hard not to use the “loaded gun” colloquialism because it is that obvious that having one around a child is unsafe. This was the result of a tragic series of mistakes, the first one being allowing an 11 year old child to have unsupervised access to firearms.

–Jake108 and Brian Gilmore

This special edition of Teabag Prevention was edited by:

          Brian Gilmore and Jonathan London

In a world where original concepts are growing thin and the magic of cinema has become so post-modern that even 3 year olds know that their favorite cartoons are not real, one man manages to incite excitement and wonder in audiences everywhere using only the sound of his voice. That man is Don LaFontaine. You probably know him as the “movie trailer guy” or the voice of movie trailers.

Don LaFontaine is easily one of the most recognized voice actors in the world. Donating his voice to well over 3,000 projects in his 33 year long career, he managed to bring life to even the dullest of projects. A lot of the time, his voice made the projects more exciting than they otherwise would be (read Chicken Run, Daddy Day Care, etc.).

Although some might have found them to be cheesy as hell, LaFontaine’s narrations really brought a sense of nostalgia and enormity to any film trailer that carried it. That was the magic. That was the imagination. His voice grew so prominent in pop culture that it even turned into a cliché. That’s how impactful his voice was. It became the standard.

Now, I could go on to write about how the cliché was parodied and satired left and right or that he even participated in a lot of the fun-making himself, but we all know this. We’re all going to remember him fondly, but his death punctuates the loss of something special for me and it didn’t dawn on me until today after hearing of his death. For me, this is so much more than the end to these types of trailers.

Let’s go back to the late 90’s. Either that or let’s go back to when you started “maturing”.

In the same vein that you started realizing, as you got older, that Jean Claude Van Damme was indeed getting old and that copies of “Legionnaire” and “In Hell” weren’t selling very well at all – you realized that the magic of something that you grew up feeling was permanent and something that you once loved as the pinacle of quality was gone. It was not pervasive enough to carry over for decades, but it was so very important to the way that you saw entertainment that you felt there is no turning back for the world. The generation of High School Musical, Shrek, and Japanese saturday morning cartoons will not get to appreciate what meant so much to you and helped shape who you are and how you see what you enjoy. His death marks a moment like this for me.

The cheesiness of his trailers is something you don’t find to be as common anymore because it is seen as too common, or overdone. So the world has turned to seriousness in trailers (either that or whatever this year’s “(Hey Now) All Star” is; most recently it seems to be M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes”). Even the Superman reboot is rumored to be planned as more “dark”. Taking something seriously does not mean that you can’t treat it with imagination.

In the age of $100+ Million adaptations, CGI wolves or prairie dogs in movies, and an abundance of self-aware satire, you don’t find people being enticed to go to a theatre to experience a dream, a nightmare or a fantasy world. People are promised reality; because that’s what sells biggest on the television. People are promised faithfulness to the source material; because that is what they demand. Why though? Why be faithful to the book? Why be faithful to the show or the comic?

Because those original concepts took a chance. They took a chance to be original and they took a chance to stand out among the trends of the day and they transcended enough decades to make it where they are today as franchises. Since the Matrix, when is the last time that has happened? (Even then, the Wachowskis didn’t fully invent the concept). Don Lafontaine’s voice is an example of one of these instances of true originality.

Don LaFontaine’s voice and work remind me of something modern media lacks – and that something is Haecceity. Go ahead, you can look it up. I had to. It’s that something that made the Star Wars trilogy epic beyond your belief when you first saw it. It’s that something that made Santa Claus seem like a God. That something that made the Ninja Turtles seem real. That Haecceity is exactly what describes Don LaFontaine’s voice and impact on the movies and television that I grew up with. His voice is an example of my childhood.

With his departure, part of what made movies great to me is gone. I can only hope that the concept of such unparalleled talent, originality, and innovation in the smallest, and seemingly mundane or unimportant, facets that make up the entertainment that we love, and hold so dear, doesn’t die with him.  

His voice meant imagination, it meant a huge fucking movie was coming, and it means that imagination had a chance.