Tag: movies

This Geek in Netflix: Death of a Ghost Hunter

by Allisonnnnn

I’ve been tapering off on my enjoyment of found footage videos. I was never that impressed with The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity 3 really fell flat. I’m over it, you know?

That bitching, fortunately, has little to do with the 2007 film, Death of a Ghost Hunter. I just felt like starting this article with a complaint. A second complaint? Why the hell is my neighbor’s fire alarm going off? Take out the damn battery already!

Death of a Ghost Hunter was this little movie made by another one of those incestuous bubbles of people that seem to form in the film business. This particular bubbly set circles around such titles as: The Frankenstein Syndrome, The Great American Snuff Film, and The Greatest American Snuff Film. (I think those last two might be related.)

I thought I'd open with a nice ass-shot. Because I'm tasteless.

The actors in it are unmentionable at the moment– no one that anyone would recognize unless they’re somehow obsessed with the great or the greatest american fictional snuff films, so instead I’m going to take this time to thank my neighbor for finally removing his smoke detector’s battery. Thank y– fuck. False alarm. (Har.)

Away from that high-pitched beeping and into the film, Death of a Ghost Hunter opens as being based on true events. The highly broken up opening crawl reads:

In 1982, Minister Joseph Masterson and his family were murdered inside their home.

(insert crazy footage here of slaughter involving a Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick)

“Ghost Hunting” is the process in which paranormal investigators use modern technology to obtain tangible evidence regarding the existence of life after death.

In 2002, renowned ghost hunter Carter Simms, was offered $5,000 to perform a paranormal investigation on the Masterson House.

Her investigation stands as the single most tragic paranormal inquiry in American history.

It ended with her death.

This film is based on the journal entries she made during her investigation.

When I first started watching this movie, I assumed that there was some basis of fact that inspired a weird story. That was quickly dashed when I saw the name “Carter Simms”. No one names their little girl “Carter Simms”. (Found-footage screenwriters take note: don’t do shit like this.)

Ghost Hunter Detective Alucard Phantom Carter Simms-Holmes.

During the whole textual introduction, we get to watch Ms. Simms drive out to Arizona, engage with one of the remaining Mastersons, all while doing the most unbelieveable, “I’m-reading-this-from-a-script”, voice-over I may have ever heard.

From the incredibly shoddy voice over, we learn that, after witnessing an unexplainable event, Seth Masterson has not only hired Carter to examine the house, but also has brought on a journalist and a video technician to record her experiences. Carter isn’t happy about the potential interference, but she accepts that he is the client and he is going to be
paying her a chunk of money for three days of work.

Is this thing on? What?? OH HAI GUYZ!

The next day, Carter goes into the house and begins to walk through the place. While exploring she (and us, of course) gets the crap scared out of her by the tactless and slightly nerdy video technician, Colin. Shortly after, sassy and street-wise Yvette shows up on the scene, waggling her finger. (Being sassy and street-wise means she’s going to die first, by the way.)

You would think, much like Carter did, that we’d have our whole crew for the movie by this point but, much like Carter, you’d be wrong. The waif-like Mary Young knocks on the door and introduces herself as the spiritual advocate for the Masterson family, there to stand guard on their reputation as good Christians.

Mary Young Creepersmith

This is the part where I’d pull out some sort of weapon and bean her in the skull simply for being creepy, but no one in the movie seems to have my epic foresight.

After (poorly acted) introductions are made, our four-person crew starts their sleep-over party with Carter “Mood-Killer” Simms recounting the details of the Masterson murders from the police report and uncomfortably segues into Colin recording Carter as she wanders around the house attempting to take temperature readings.

When they arrive in the master bedroom, where Mr. Masterson had his throat slit, the temperature suddenly drops and everyone panics and bolts back to Command Center (AKA: the dining room) where, eventually, one of the chairs moves (making everyone panic again).

Look at that woodwork!

Two more nights with increasing paranormal activity (har har) take place and result in the culmination of this movie… which I rather enjoyed.

Parts of this movie actually surprised me, as it strayed just far enough from the usual formulaic presentation that we’ve all gotten so used to. I will admit that, about ten minutes in, I was about to switch movies. I didn’t want to watch a bunch of poorly acted crap. But I stayed with it and, yes, while the acting occasionally knocked me out of the movie, I’m
glad I stuck around.

Yvette "Oh-no-she-didn't!" Sandoval

Do I think it could have been done better, with a bigger budget and better actors? Yes, of course it could– and it would have been amazing. But the people who helped put this movie together and, yes, after a very shaky start created something pretty damn neat.

I definitely suggest putting this movie in your Netflix Instant Queue for future scary-movie-night viewing– just be prepared to wade through the first ten minutes.  Also, neighbor, thanks for finally taking care of your wailing smoke detector.  I’m now less likely to make attempts on your life.

Why We’re Not Seeing Star Wars in 3D

by SaxCarr

by Sax Carr and Tim Powers AKA Fandom Planet

There’s a LOT of talk of late about why anyone should, or should not, go see the recent 3D re-releases of the Star Wars films. The argument goes something like this:

“I’m not going!  George Lucas RAPED my childhood!”

“…but… its Star Wars!”

Cute.

While we agree that the artistic merit of the prequels is questionable at best, that is NOT why we won’t be going to see the films in theaters over the next few months or years. We’re not going because the medium of the 3D movie is horrible, and 3D re-released films cheapen the movie industry. It sets a dangerous precedent of attaching a gimmick to a crappy film and re-packaging it to gullible consumers.  We’re not going, and you shouldn’t either. We’ll explain:

There have been more then enough complaints online about the recent Hollywood trend of almost exclusively remaking films. “Where is the creativity!??!” cries the Internet. Well, the reason this keeps happening is because people continue to SEE these remade films. In fact, a remake is an sure-fire favorite to make MORE money than a new property because name recognition means so much in this wildly over-saturated era. (The concept is that the more familiar the public is with a film’s premise or hero, the more likely people will see it and the less selling the studios will have to do to convince you to go.)  Hollywood is not invested in making new, artistically viable, movies as much as its into making MONEY. Remakes make money, and thus there are MORE of them. Simple.

Crappy, but simple.  This is why there have been THREE “Alvin & The Chipmunks” movies.

There is a pretty effective explanation in this amazing review of the ‘09 Star Trek by Red Letter Media:

So, a couple years back when the 3D craze was really taking off (again), which we blame mostly on the lack of magic shows in small towns, which means Americans were dying to see stupid film parlor tricks. “Watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass and then toss it slowly at the  camera.”

 Ta… fucking… DAH!

Somehow the 3D film moved from being a gimmick reserved almost exclusively for the 3rd movie in a series (Jaws 3?) into a MUST have for any movie that comes out. (Green Hornet) Really? 3D is a must have? What’s next Smell-O-Rama? Cinemascope? Personally, We credit this all to the Back To The Future supporting villain “3D Glasses Guy”.  Billy Zane, the actor who played the 3D Glasses Guy (editor’s note: the below photo obviously shows Billy Zane standing next to 3D Glasses Guy, not playin him… no one has heard of Puke Yellow Sweater Guy in front of him since though) was also “The Phantom” in that 90’s Blockbuster Dud.

In the back you’ll see the greatest villain in cinema…

We think 3D films do NOTHING for audiences. They add nothing to the film experience.  They don’t impress us. Plus, a fair amount of the population either can’t see modern 3D (because of eye issues, Tim Powers included), find them nauseating, or can’t afford the extra five or ten bucks attached to the ticket price. Very few films are truly benefited by 3D, including Avatar and a few others that we can think of. Sadly Avatar also sucks.

It requires pointing out that the gimmick of 3D films was a fad in the 1950’s and used to sell such stinkburgers as Gorilla at Large, Robot Monster, Fantastic Invasion of Planet Earth and this winner:

(In full disclosure, Tim loves “Robot Monster” but does not consider it great cinema.)

Sigh.  Back to the point.

In  the middle of making EVERY film 3D, the folks at Disney hit on the idea of re-releasing some of their popular films again in 3D. Predictably this led to a huge amazing WIN. (read:  “money”) Gen X folks, eager to connect with their children (for once) brought them out to see these films again, and suddenly it was a huge success. Now every studio is trying desperately to find their old films to push back out on us with a quick 3D retooling. THIS CAN NOT HAPPEN!

In the days before home video, Disney would re-release one of their “classic” animated films to theaters every few years so new generations could see Robin Hood or Sleeping Beauty but that practice is no longer necessary.  Although we would rather see the amazing animation in Dumbo than the cookie-cutter Tangled.

Our objection has  less to do with George Lucas and how much money he needs to bleed out of his eager and devoted fans. This is is not about the movies sucking, nor not living up to the original trilogy. That is an argument settled years ago.  This is about not allowing the most profitable thing in cinemas to be yesterday’s cinematic leftovers. Why, you ask?

BECAUSE THEY WILL DO IT!

If Hollywood can just rehash  old movies, especially before cast and such signed contracts that gave them a piece of the action, and put them back in theaters,  why would they take a risk on new movies? Why risk anything when say Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, Labyrinth, Howard The Duck, or Porky’s II can be put back on the screen in 3D or smell-a-vision or whatever. Hollywood is about managing risk. When we march like zombies into any theater with a picture of a light-saber on the door…  we’re giving them ammunition for the gun that kills new creative endeavors.

By the way… this is the same principle as when you click “like” on a video in the “Shit BLANK says to BLANK” format. You are making more of those videos happen. Why create new Internet sketches when that existing format is still marketable.

Shit nerds say to other nerds who are PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM!

We digress. And, sadly, We’re also part of the problem, too, sometimes.

We understand these movies had a deep and powerful impact on most of our childhoods, or at least we wanted them to. Many people live their lives to cosplay, explore, and enjoy Star Wars cannon. That doesn’t give you licence to simply walk into these traps for nostalgia sake. We get it:  you love Star Wars!  But if you just eat up whatever crap they feed you, then you make sure then next thing they create is also going to suck. Worse, and this again is the point of this article, if you just consume perpetual reworks of the other films, when will other movies like it be made again?

Get it? Star Wars for the next generation! HA! HA! HA!

New films, even if they are re-makes (and we’ll discuss that in a second), do a lot for our society. They contribute to our general artistic growth, and they give young actors, writers and directors a chance to break out as well as giving established talent some well needed work. The same goes for people on the other side of the camera.  New movies do better for more people than re-released films shoveled down our throat because we can’t let go. George Lucas does not need any more money. We promise.

(Note: We know the 3D engineers that re-master these films need work too, but trust me, there are other, NEW movies, going into 3D.)

Re-Makes work differently in our opinion, but mostly because we enjoy the story telling options available when we revisit the well worn territory of something we all know and love. By and large we support the trend to adapt or re-make intellectual properties because it’s no different, to us,  than having two different people tell you a famous fairy tale. The new author leads to new insight It’s a good thing. (Did you know “The Maltese Falcon” with Humphrey Bogart was the THIRD remake of that story?)  Of course there is a very broad line between the ‘09 Star Trek reboot and the upcoming movie Battleship. Still, we support remakes on principle.

 I’m from a GOOD remake! Also… I look like a date you had once!

A 3D re-release is not the same. Its being served the same film we had before. That does nothing to retell the story. 3D effects are not going to change our perception of the Star Wars universe. We will not be fed our childhood at an premium cost. Fuck that.

We are all way smarter than this. (We hope.  We know YOU are, right?)

Plus, and this is a minor point, we thought putting old films back in theaters was the job of the little 3rd run indy theaters we all know and love. This is another attack on the brick and mortar mom and pop shops in favor of giant multiplexes. We love those little theaters. They exist to show you the films that no multiplex would ever bother to show. They make a little money by putting the Princess Bride back up for a weekend. Lets not handicap that. Just say NO.

So in short, we are not going to see this film because cheapens film in general. We won’t see it because every dollar the film makes puts us in danger of a almost creatively devoid film market. Seeing this film contributes to cheating future generations or their own iconic films and instead keep repeating our own fandom forever. Of course we are supporters of Fandom, but everyone deserves their own. We aren’t going to see this movie. Neither should you.

This and all 3D re-releases are off our dance card.

And, as we discussed earlier, the movie sucks Wookie Balls.   

Study Finds Piracy Has Negligible Influence on Box Office Results

by Jonathan

A study that can be found on Deadline surprisingly reveals that online piracy has negligible effects on movie box office results. The extensive study, titled “Reel Piracy: The Effect of Online Film Piracy on International Box Office Sales,” was spearheaded by Brett Danaher of Wellesley College and Joel Waldfogel at the University of Minnesota and the National Bureau of Economic Research. Even with the rise of piracy, red blooded Americans still prefer to see films in theaters rather than on their awful, awful pirate computers powered by slaves and sea prisoners.

Don’t think that awful pirate Geekscapists like Shane O’hare and Sandstone are off the hook for the damage they’ve done though. Historically, a movie that’s been out a few weeks and has been pirated sees a bigger decrease in overseas box office than it would have almost a decade ago, before the rise of bit torrent sites.

So yes, pirating is still bad. And you’re still a cheapskate.

 

 

The Week In Geek: Ghostbusters III With No Bill Murray? Remake And Reboot News Galore, & More

by Eric Diaz

Ghostbusters 3 Moves Forward With No Bill Murray?

That Dan Aykroyd is just not giving up on the notion of a Ghostbusters III, despite the better judgment of everyone else on Earth, including original star Bill Murray. In an interview with Empire Online that appeared this week, Aykroyd stated that if Murray refused to appear as Dr. Peter Venkemen for a proposed third chapter, then they would consider re-casting the role.

I can’t imagine a worse idea than this, but there you go. One other recent rumor, that Bill Murray had shredded the script for part three that Aykroyd has sent him, only to send it back with a note attached that said “no one wants to see fat old men chasing ghosts” is apparently just that- a rumor. According to Aykroyd, “Bill Murray is not capable of such behavior. This is simply something that would not be in his nature. We have a deep, private personal relationship that transcends business. We communicate frequently and his position on the involvement in Ghostbusters 3 has been made clear and I respect that. But Bill has too much positive estimation of my writing skills to shred the work.”  I’ll totally bet he wanted to though.

The original Ghostbusters was that lighting in a bottle that you just couldn’t capture twice (I mean, we know…they tried to with part two) It was that perfect storm of script, casting and directing. If they had as hard a time repeating that magic formula once, why try again twenty five years later?  I’ll agree with Dan Aykroyd on one particular thing though, there are more cool Ghostbusters stories to tell, but maybe movies is not the way to go here. An animated series, maybe in CGI Clone Wars style, should be the way to go. After all, the 80’s cartoon show was pretty bad ass, imagine what they could do now? Sony could keep the franchise alive and viable this way, they could move more Ghostbusters shirts at Target and not tarnish the original, perfect film. Food for thought Aykroyd.

Guillermo del Toro To Helm Beauty and the Beast

Well, it feels like months since the last time I announced a project that Hellboy/Pan’s Labyrinth director Gullermo del Toro was attached to do. Well, here comes another one:  The Hollywood Reporter broke the news that del Toro is directing a new adaptation of the classic fairy tale Beauty and the Beast for Warner Brothers, with Hermione Granger herself Emma Watson as Belle. (or whatever she’ll be called in this one) This appears to be del Toro’s next directing gig after he wraps up work on his currently filming monster movie Pacific Rim.

According to the original story, the deal for this movie has been in the works since last spring when del Toro first began working with producers Denise De Novi and Alison Greenspan on a the project, which was initially an adaptation of the Robin McKinley novel Beauty: A Retelling of the Story of the Beauty and the Beast. It seems the project  has evolved since then, and is no longer a straight up adaptation of the book.  Aside from this movie, del Toro  is directing Trollhunters for Dreamworks, is developing a Haunted Mansion movie at Disney and is still attached to direct both a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and a Frankenstein project at Universal. This guy really needs to stop saying “yes” to everything they come at him with.

It Is Official: Michael Bay To Direct Transformers 4

So, you thought you might finally be free of Michael Bay directed Transformers movies, after Bay announced last year that Dark of the Moon would be his final entry in the saga? Yeah…not so fast. Deadline.com broke the news this week that Paramount had finalized the deal for Bay to return to the director’s chair for Transformers 4 in 2014. According to the official announcement, this new Transformers movie would be a “re-imagining” of the series, with an all new cast. I’m not entirely sure how in the hell a director can re-imagine his own damn movie series. How is this not just a sequel with a new cast?

Ninja Turtles Reboot Gets A Director Too

And speaking of Mr. Bay, The long talked about live action reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gained a little bit more traction this week, as Jonathan Liebesman, director of last year’s pretty awful alien invasion flick Battle:Los Angeles (and the upcoming Wrath of the Titans) getting the directing honors. What worries me more than Liebesman is that the production company for this is none other than Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes, a studio known for not having a shred of originality and only remaking classic 80’s horror films like A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th  into glossy, soulless cash grabs. Now that they’ve run out of 80’s slashers from our youth to destroy, they are setting their sights on beloved comic book and cartoon properties.

Although TMNT came out as an indie comic in 1984, I wasn’t really into it as a kid. By the time the whole franchise hit weekday afternoon kiddy appeal and mass popularity, it was 1989/90, and I was too old for that stuff, so I really have no emotional investment in this property like many of you reading this no doubt do. But I honestly feel sorry for those of you who do, because Platinum Dunes is almost sure to piss all over your beloved Turtles. Might as well brace yourselves now kiddies.

MGM Hopes Valley Girl Is The New Grease, Or At Least The New Hairspray

MGM, in an effort to crawl out of their recent bankruptcy, is looking to exploit every last movie in their library for some kind of reboot or sequel.  Joining Red Dawn, Carrie and Robocop as the latest of their classic flicks to get the remake treatment will be none other than Valley Girl, the 1983 movie that was the first starring vehicle for a young Nicolas Cage. The original movie is pretty terrible; imagine a shitty version of a John Hughes flick and that’s pretty much Valley Girl in a nutshell. However, it does have an awesome New Wave soundtrack, which still gets some heavy rotation in my itunes library I must say. Leave me alone ok? I’m a child of the 80’s.

This time, MGM is looking to remake the movie as a musical, using all the great 80’s music, maybe hoping to be for today what Grease was to kids in the late 70’s. Although Grease had original music, and Valley Girl looks to be cover versions of classics from the likes of the Go-Go’s and the Cars. The director for this is an relative unknown named Clay Weiner (best name ever, btw) who directed a few commercials and a Nickelodeon movie. Despite name director’s wanting the job, Weiner’s demo presentation for Valley Girl was apparently so awesome, with choreographed 80’s mash-ups, it won the studio over and he got the gig.  MGM is looking to fast track this one, so expect it to be out next year, the 30th anniversary of the original film.

Personally, I think MGM should have taken this thing to Broadway instead. Clearly this movie is going to be targeted at today’s teen audience, and their knowledge of anything pre-2000 is questionable to say the least. At least the Broadway audience is the right age demographic for something like this, not to mention most “jukebox musicals” do really well, as there is nothing people love more than familiarity. And besides, this makes more sense than a Back to the Future musical, and that is said to be happening. Why not Valley Girl?

 

Geekscape Movie Reviews: Thin Ice

by Allisonnnnn

A few weeks ago, I had the genuine pleasure of being able to attend one ATO’s pre-screenings for the Sprecher sisters’ dark comedy, Thin Ice.

This movie brings together some amazing actors and really lets them highlight their abilities in helping create characters that you can really feel for– even if that feeling is hate.

In the lead is Greg Kinnear, playing seedy insurance salesman Mickey Prohaska, who seems to be known mostly for his role in the indie flick Little Miss Sunshine, but more recently graced us with the character of Jack Kennedy in The Kennedys.

Jack Kennedy: snazzy violinist and Russian spy.

We also have Alan Arkin as reclusive farmer, Gorvy Hauer.  You probably don’t need a list of what you’d know him from, but just in case… Little Miss Sunshine (Grandpa Edwin), Get Smart (The Chief), Sunshine Cleaning(Joe Lorkowski), Grosse Pointe Blanke (Dr. Oatman), and, most importantly, The Last Unicorn (Schmendrick!!).

Also featuring:

  • Lea Thompson (Marty’s mom – Back to the Future II and Back to the Future III) as Mickey’s mostly estranged wife, Jo Ann.
  • David Harbour (D.A. Frank Scanlon – The Green Hornet and Shep Campell in Revolutionary Road) as the gullible insurance salesman, Bob Egan.
  • Billy Crudup (Dr. Manhattan – The Watchmen, Will Bloom – Big Fish, and the incredibly, incredibly hot Russell Hammond – Almost Famous) as the psychotically violent and infinitely punchable locksmith, Randy.
  • Bob Balaban (Jonathan Steinbloom – A Mighty Wind, Dr. Theodore W. Millbank, III – Best in Show) as the (kinda creepily) intense violin lover, Leonard Dahl.

How do they all link together?  I’m so glad you asked.

Look over there.

Well, Mickey (Kinnear) is an insurance salesman who bumps into Bob (Harbour) at an insurance convention/party/gathering/fiesta(!) and, after learning that his most-hated competitor is about to hire him, snatches Bob for his own office… which only has one employee– a deservingly bitter secretary.

After the insurance fiesta, Mickey returns to Wisconsin to hopefully reunite with Jo Ann (Thompson) and get back to work.  Bob follows him into the artic (Wisconsin) shortly after and, while hunting new sales, discovers Gorvy (Arkin) living on an uninsured farm.

What, over there?

Mickey, learning from Bob of this eccentric old man, decides to accompany his new employee to Gorvy’s ranch in attempt to up the sale.  During various visits, Mickey learns that an old violin in Gorvy’s possession may be worth a decent chunk of cash, so decides to steal it and sell it himself to (creepily intense) violinophile, Leonard (Balaban).

Eventually, Randy (Crudup) comes into the scene while installing a security system on Gorvy’s farm.   Frustration, chaos, skeeviness, and murder ensue.  (Mostly chaos and frustration, if you’re running percentages.)

In sum, there’s a decent chunk of interesting characters one has to keep track of as they weave together the Sprecher’s delightfully intense story.

Yes, over there!

I’ve been noticing a number of reviewers are comparing this work to the Cohen brothers’ Fargo.  I would not say that this is the case.  Yes, the characters are in a cold environment.  Yes, they’re in that part of the country where people have odd accents and wear weird furry hats.  Yes, this is a total dark comedy that wraps itself around a murder.

It’s not Fargo.  This movie stands on its own, and to compare it to Fargo— while a good association to make in regards to certain points– is too much.

I actually found it to be a bit darker than Fargo.  I’m not a dark comedy fan at all.  I judge how “dark” a comedy is by how uncomfortable it makes me.  While I was watching this movie, I was squirming in my seat, covering my eyes, trying not to shout at the characters on screen– it got me to react and engage.  That’s saying something.

Surprise!!

By the end, I was convinced of its brilliance.  I wanted to murder most of the characters at one point or another, sure, but I recognized that it was an incredible piece of work put together by masterful hands that made sure to leave no details flapping in the wind.

Thin Ice comes to select theaters this Friday, February 17th.  I highly suggest that you put on an awkward furry hat and hunt down your nearest showing.

Rumor: LA’s “Comikaze Expo” To Become “Stan Lee’s Comikaze Expo”?

by Jonathan

Last November, I was one of the many geeks here in Los Angeles who attended the brand new Comikaze Expo at the LA Convention Center. I was also one of the many who had a great time (the Geekscape booth actually did more business at Comikaze than we did at either WonderCon or SDCC that year). But the new convention wasn’t perfect, with an awkward floor-plan, some understaffing issues and a hall that wasn’t quite right for it’s size. Still, ask anyone, including Comikaze organizer Regina Carpinelli, and they’ll tell you that the event was a success.

But was it enough to ensure that Comikaze would survive to see another year? In today’s “You’re Either Comic-Con or Your Not” convention landscape, even the nationwide Wizard World conventions are unable to keep attendee’s interests. So what’s a Con to do to stand out from the pack?

You rebrand yourself by associating your name with a marquee talent that is instantly recognizable to your target audience. Comic book writer Mark Millar successfully launched Kapow! Comic Con two years ago in London, bringing to Europe some of what made Comic Con so great back in the day (all the Hollywood flash without ignoring the comics). Just this morning, readers woke up to GeekChicDaily buying themselves a new life as the Nerdist News Network, a branch of Chris Hardwick’s popular Nerdist brand. Why not? It’s a smart thing to do.

So why do I think Comikaze Expo is becoming Stan Lee’s Comikaze Expo (or Excelsior Expo or Generalisimo-Con or something similarly Stan Lee)? Well, something has to be going on.

First, Comikaze canceled its upcoming spring one-day expo that was going to be held at LACC. Why? I’d like to know. I was looking forward to it. But maybe it’s because Regina Carpinelli is too busy globetrotting with Stan Lee to even return my phone calls or emails.

Here she is in Park City during Sundance:

And she’s also been seen with Stan Lee on enemy territory at last month’s Wizard World New Orleans. Actually, since last summer’s Pow! Entertainment, Comikaze Expo, Geekscape SDCC 2012 party, Regina and Stan seem to have become BFF.

Am I feeling like the jilted lover? Would I want Stan Lee to buy a piece of Geekscape? Probably not. I love Stan Lee, but at our first meeting, Stan was having a tough time getting what Geekscape was all about:

 

All I’m really saying is two things:

– Regina, call a guy back, will ya?

– Expect something big to be announced involving Stan Lee and Comikaze Expo. I can’t say what but I’m guessing a merger/acquisition of some kind.

UPDATE: As I was writing this piece, Comikaze has taken down their homepage. But look what I saw moments before they did! A screen grab of a news story that POW!, Regina and Stan probably don’t want you to see until later this week. That’s what you get for ignoring calls, Reg!

CONFIRMED!

The Week In Geek: Star Trek May Return To TV, American Horror Story, Plus Vampires & Slayers

by Eric Diaz

 

Bryans Singer and Fuller To Bring Back Star Trek To TV?

I’ve mentioned in this column before a few times in recent weeks how writer/producers Bryan Fuller and Bryan Singer are working on a Munsters reboot for NBC, now re-titled Mockingbird Lane. But these two might have more than just the Munsters in mind for television, and in fact are hoping to possibly collaborate on a new television incarnation of Star Trek in the near future.

Both Singer and Fuller are huge Trekkers; Singer even has a cameo in Star Trek: Nemesis as a random helmsman, and before producing cult series Pushing Daisies and Dead Like Me, Fuller got his start as a young staff writer on Voyager and Deep Space Nine. In late 2005, after Star Trek:Enterprise was cancelled, ending an eighteen year run of non stop Trek on television, Singer had his longtime friend and fellow writer/director Robert Meyer Burnett come up with a detailed pitch for Paramount for a new Trek show called Star Trek: Federation. Federation was set in the year 3000 to a vastly changed and declining United Federation of Planets. Singer and Burnett’s  proposal took into account how television storytelling had changed since the glory days of The Next Generation, something that Enterprise ultimately failed at. When Paramount decided to let the franchise rest on television for a while and reboot the series on the big screen instead with JJ Abrams’ film, Singer dropped pursuing his pitch. However, it’s been seven years since all that…could Singer and new colleague Fuller be reviving this idea?

My personal opinion is that while Singer and Burnett’s pitch for Federation is exactly what the franchise needs for television…now is probably not the time to do it. The movie franchise was only recently re-launched, and the first sequel does not arrive till next year. I say Let JJ Abrams and crew wrap their new Trek trilogy, and then maybe in say, 2016 (the 50th Anniversary of Star Trek) they could bring back the series to television and people would welcome it back with open arms after such a long absence.  The world of television is in major flux right now anyway, with the cost of shows growing and the viewership shrinking, and Netflix and the like becoming a new venue for showcasing new television series. Waiting a bit longer allows for the dust to settle in the television world AND whets the appetite for more television Star Trek among the general public.

 

Jessica Lange Returns To American Horror Story


Something else I mentioned in this column a few weeks back was the news that FX’s new hit series American Horror Story would effectively reboot every season, with a new haunted location and a new cast of characters and actors each time. But series producers Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk have made at least one concession about returning former cast members, as Jessica Lange is confirmed as returning for the second season.  

Jessica Lange was easily the show’s most valuable player, as her acting elevated the show’s sometimes cheestastic and over the top craziness to something resembling really good Grand Guignol theater. American Horror Story also got Lange a much deserved Golden Globe recently, and it would be foolish of the producers not to capitalize on Lange’s talent and buzz for as long as possible. Not much else is known yet about season two of the show, which isn’t set to debut until October. But FX released one promo image for the second season this week, which seemingly suggests not a haunted house, but a haunted hospital instead. I guess we’ll all find out just what location is haunted, as well as what other cast members will be returning, when the show comes back in the Fall.

 

Anne Rice’s Lestat Might Return To The Big Screen

For the last few years, as the vampire trend has spread through Hollywood like wildfire (or herpes) there has been one very noticeable omission: The Vampire Lestat, and all the other undead denizens of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles series of novels.  But it looks like that might change very soon, as Ron Howard’s Imagine Entertainment has bought the rights to Anne Rice’s fourth Vampire novel The Tale of the Body Thief. Author Anne Rice announced the news on her Facebook page this week that Imagine has acquired the rights to Body Thief, and hired writer Lee Patterson, who wrote a well-regarded screenplay titled Snatched, to write the script. Producing with Imagine are Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, the writer-producers behind  Fringe, Star Trek and Transformers. Say what you will about this particular writing duo, but just about everything they work on eventually gets greenlit.

While it might seems strange to effectively reboot a film series using book number four in the cycle, Tale of the Body Thief is more or less a stand alone story that only really references characters and events from the first novel Interview with the Vampire, which was already successfully made into a movie. In the novel, Lestat is killing serial killers in Miami (kind of like a vampiric version of the television series Dexter) and grows bored of existence and tries to end his life, only to find that he can’t actually die. When approached by a mortal psychic who claims he can switch bodies for a brief time and Lestat can gain his mortality back, Lestat jumps at the chance, even when the titular body thief makes off with his powerful body and he has to track him down and get it back.


Unlike the two previous installments in the Vampire Chronicles, The Vampire Lestat and The Queen of the Damned, which both have a huge cast of characters and move around in time a lot, Body Thief is a pretty linearly straight forward story that would be far easier to make into a two hour movie than the previous two books in the series. I still maintain that the first three books of the series would make for a great cable series though. Please, someone in Hollywood get on that soon.

Buffy Makes A Controversial Choice, Gets Headlines In The Process

And  while we are on the subject of vampires, arguably the most famous vampire slayer of all time, Buffy Summers, made media headlines this week for probably the most unlikeliest of reasons. SPOILERS for Buffy from here on out folks- In Joss Whedon’s current comic book continuation of the series for Dark Horse Comics (Season 9 to be precise) Buffy has found out she is pregnant. In this past week’s issue, Buffy mulls over her options about what to do with her pregnancy, and ultimately decides to get an abortion.  It isn’t a decision Buffy comes to lightly, and it is handled extremely well by writer Andrew Chambliss and series creator Whedon.


Of course, just because Buffy is planning on getting an abortion doesn’t mean she’ll be successful at it though. The character of Buffy seems convinced the father is any number of men she could have had sex with (but conveniently doesn’t remember) back in a raging house warming party in issue #1 of Season 9. However (again-SPOILERS) I would be genuinely shocked if the father of the baby is anyone other than long time vampire love Angel, whom Buffy had sex with at the end of Season 8 while both characters were in this mystical God-like state (don’t ask) Yes, those events were supposed to take place a good six months prior to the where the comic storylines take place now, but who is to say how long mystical pregnancies are supposed to last? And do you really think Joss Whedon would have the father of Buffy’s baby be some new character the readers have little emotional investment in, or have the father be none other than Buffy’s greatest lover/enemy?

Of course, if this really does end up being just  “A very special episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer” where she gets an abortion and just has to deal with the consequences in a real life kinda way, then the father just might be a nobody. BUT…if indeed the baby can’t be aborted somehow and she is forced to have it, then I stick to my theory that the father is none other than Angel. If I’m right, then you heard it here first fellow geeks.

DC To Launch Smallville Season 11 In Comic Book Form

Taking a cue from Dark Horse Comics’ previously mentioned continuation of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer tv series, DC Comics is looking to continue the long running (ten frickin’ seasons) television series Smallville with a comic book version of Season 11. The Smallville television series ended with the Tom Welling version of Clark Kent finally wearing the cape and tights of Superman, making some longtime rabid fans of the series really happy. Seriously, just watch this one fan watch the Smallville series finale around the five minute mark-I’ve never had an orgasm this intense. 

Although previously rumored to be a series of prose novels, DC Comics have officially announced a “Smallville Season 11” comic book series this past week, which will be published digitally beginning April 13 with a new issue every week. The series will also be collected in print beginning in May. Series scribe will be Bryan Q. Miller, a former writer and story editor from the TV series, as well as former writer of the Stephanie Brown version of Batgirl which ended last year before the big DC reboot. The current plan is to pick up some six months from where the show left off, with Clark finally embracing his role as a public super hero. As part of the press release, Miller said “I couldn’t be more excited to help give seasoned viewers and new readers an all-access pass to Clark’s first year in the cape.”

Smallville is certainly the most popular version of Superman in the media since the Christopher Reeve version, so continuing that version of the character seems like a no-brainer to me. My question is-which of the new DC 52 Earths is “Earth-Smallville?” And will Supes ever wear the red shorts or not? Because ya know, I find that I kinda miss those.


 

The Week In Geek: Before Watchmen Becomes Official, Russell Crowe as Noah? Evil Dead Remake & More

by Eric Diaz

 

“Before Watchmen” Officially Announced By DC 

The big geek news of the week, easily dwarfing everything else, is the official announcement from DC Entertainment that the long rumored prequels to Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon’s seminal Watchmen would be coming this year, now officially titled Before Watchmen. To say this is a controversial movie on the part of DC is a massive understatement. The original graphic novel, originally serialized in twelve parts, is regarded as THE greatest work of comic book fiction by many, even some twenty five years after it was concluded. Author Alan Moore has long wanted no part in any continuation of his seminal work, and even had his name taken off the 2009 movie adaptation. In speaking to the New York Times, Moore had this to say about Before Watchmen: “It is completely shameless. I don’t want money. What I want is for this not to happen.”

The collection of writers and artists on Before Watchmen is of the highest caliber, each tackling a different mini series based on one of the characters from the original. The announced line up of series and creators is as follows: 

 

  • RORSCHACH (4 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: Lee Bermejo
  • MINUTEMEN (6 issues) – Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke
  • COMEDIAN (6 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: J.G. Jones
  • DR. MANHATTAN (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artist: Adam Hughes
  • NITE OWL (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artists: Andy and Joe Kubert
  • OZYMANDIAS (6 issues) – Writer: Len Wein. Artist: Jae Lee
  • SILK SPECTRE (4 issues) – Writer: Darwyn Cooke. Artist: Amanda Conner

Also included in each mini series will be a back-up series, The Curse of the Crimson Corsair, by comics writing legend Len Wein, and art by original series colorist John Higgins–the only creative person from the original project involved in any way with this new one. I’m pretty sure some or most of these mini series will be decent, hell…maybe even great. But that’s not the point—the point is that the original author sees Watchmen as a completed project, and just to satisfy the all mighty dollar, DC has chosen to ignore his wishes.  I can’t blame any of the participants for being involved in this new project; comics don’t pay that great and if this is successful, they are all in for a great deal of money. I’d say yes if I were them too. 


 

And yes…I also realize Alan Moore is being a bit of a hypocrite on this one, calling out DC for mining his work. Considering that Moore has spent the last decade of his career mining the works of famous 19th century authors, both with his League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Lost Girls books, it is the pot calling the kettle black a bit.  Nevertheless, those authors of those original works are long dead, and can’t give and opinion one way or the other; Moore is alive and has expressed his desire that they leave his work alone. Considering that Watchmen has sold more than two million copies and made a small fortune for DC, you’d think simply out of respect, DC EIC Dan Didio wouldn’t do this. When Paul Levitz was EIC of DC, he stopped any and all attempts at continuing Watchmen for 20+ years…and not out of  any love for Alan Moore mind you, as those two had plenty of bad blood between them; it was simply out of respect for the man who created their single most acclaimed graphic novel.

Since this project was announced, the other argument I’ve heard the most on the pro Before Watchmen side is that plenty of stories have been made over the decades for Superman, Batman, Spider-Man and the like, well beyond the original creator’s intentions. But ALL those creators knew they were creating characters for ongoing serialized magazines, while Watchmen was a complete work with a proper beginning, middle and end. It was not meant to go on forever.  While I agree that the world of Watchmen certainly is ripe for continuation, if the original creator doesn’t want it done, then it shouldn’t even be a question. 

 

Russell Crowe To Captain A Much Bigger Boat Than In Master & Commander

Darren Aronofsky’s next film, a big budget spectacle made out of the Biblical story of Noah and the flood, has started to take a little bit more shape this week. According to Deadline.com,  Aronofsky wants not only Russell Crowe as the titular Noah, but also Liam Neeson for another as yet unspecified part, although rumor has it that he will play some kind of villain (is there really a villain in the story of the Great Flood? I mean, aside from, ya know… God?) A few actors have been rumored for the part of Noah since this project was first announced, including both Christian Bale and Michael Fassbender, but both of those actors were booked for the next year or more solid. Noah is said to be going before the cameras by the summer of this year for a 2013 debut. Between this and Steven Spielberg’s Moses flick, it looks to be all about the Old Testament on the big screen next year. How long before Mel Gibson gets in on this? 

 

Evil Dead Remake Gains One, Loses One

The Evil Dead remake lost one cast member this past week, and gained another one. Actress Lily Collins (star of the upcoming Mirror Mirror and daughter of pop star Phil Collins) who was all set for the part of the female lead, had to drop out due to those pesky “scheduling conflicts.” Which probably really meant that she thought the movie was going to suck, and got a better part she could take instead. But while the production lost their female lead, they gained the part of the male lead in newcomer Shiloh Fernandez. The pretty boy actor was in last year’s Red Riding Hood, but before you fanboys get up have a coronary, he won’t be playing the part of Ash—the role Bruce Campbell made famous in the original films won’t even be in this remake. 

 

 

Back to the Future….The Musical? 

Lots of people, myself included, love to groan and moan about the fact that Hollywood is remake crazy lately. And while that’s true, there is really no place like Broadway when it comes to pushing product that is based on something else. Right now, nine out ten of the top grossing Broadway musicals are revivals of older shows , or musicals based off pre-existing material like Wicked and The Lion King. So..why not a Back to the Future musical? Writer and director Robert Zemeckis is in talks to bring his iconic 1985 film to Broadway. Zemeckis is in early discussion with co-writer Bob Gale and the film’s composer, Alan Silvestri, to adapt the film for stage. Despite all the negative reviews, Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark has been packing them in, so Broadway is no doubt eager for another spectacle musical based off a much beloved property. And you know what? I’d MUCH rather have a musical of Back to the Future than a Part IV or a remake. If this show saves us from either of those, then more power to ‘em I say. 

 

Colin Firth To Star In West Memphis 3 Biopic 

The sad, strange saga of the Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin and Jessie Misskelley – three teenagers from West Memphis Arkansas who have been labeled by the media as the “West Memphis Three”, has been a minor obsession of mine since I first rented a documentary film called Paradise Lost on VHS way back in 1996. Watching the film, I was outraged that such a gross miscarriage of justice could be carried out and three innocent boys could be sentenced to death for a crime they clearly did not commit. The crime in question was the  brutal 1993 murders of three little boys the local community labeled as “Satanic Ritual,” mostly due to Echol’s love of horror and heavy metal music, and not based on much else. Paradise Lost was followed by two sequels, and just this year Peter Jackson produced another documentary on the subject called West of Memphis. Thanks to the efforts of Jackson and others in the entertainment biz who fought their case, last August the WM3 were finally freed from prison, although they had to give a false admission of guilt to do so. I know, it doesn’t make a lick of sense to me either. But the admission of guilt prevents the WM3 from suing the state of Arkansas for every penny it has for taking eighteen years of their lives from them. 

Now Hollywood is producing a fictionalized version of the case called The Devil’s Knot, directed by acclaimed Canadian director Atom Egoyan. Oscar winner Colin Firth has just signed on to star as Ron Lax, the private investigator whose detective work helped get the WM3 released from prison last year. The judge freed the men based in large part on evidence that Lax found. On top of that, Lax found DNA evidence that linked the stepfather of one of the murdered boys to material that was used to bind one of the victims. According to the producers, the movie “is not about how they got out of prison, It’s about how they got in.” The film will be told through Lax’s eyes as well as through the eyes of Pam Hobbs, whose son, Steven Branch, was one of the victims. Ultimately, Lax found DNA evidence linking Hobbs’ husband Terry  to the crime scene. Terry Hobbs remains free, but If this movie helps put his ass behind bars, then it will have done its job as far as I’m concerned. 

 

 


 

 

Loud and Clear?

by Jonathan

It goes without saying (but I’m going to say it anyways): Our children are our future.

Me? No. I don’t have kids. I have dogs. And you can’t take dogs into public movie theaters. But if I could no doubt even they would pick up on the not so subtle messages being presented to them in recent animated family blockbusters like Wall-E and Happy Feet. Both films tell the story of cute and loveable cast-outs forced to live among the ruinous influence of man. They are both underdogs against overwhelming odds, not only in their immediate social structures (that of more advanced robots and more singing-inclined penguins, respectively), but also against the encroaching destruction wreaked by humanity and their neglect for the planet. Both movies carry huge, whop you over the head like a mallet in Whack-A-Mole, sized messages of conservation, recycling and anti-pollution.

Is this the best way to get the message across? Well, I think that each film has a varying level of effectiveness. No doubt, this is the exact audience that this message needs to reach the most. Yes. Our children are our future? Me? I’ll be joining the 30-somethings in December. The card game is already long in the tooth and everybody knows the cards I’m holding. But the future of this planet lies in the hands of children who are being told something very clear from a source that they absolutely listen to: cartoons.

You know that scene in Disney’s Pinnochio where that jackass kid leads Pinnochio astray and starts smoking gets turned into, well, a jackass? That scene horrified me. I absolutely credit that nightmarish sequence as one of the reasons I’ve never picked up a cigarette. It kept me up at night for countless nights.  It completely scared me off of gambling and smoking (I have yet to properly learn the game of poker).

That approach is what was employed in George Miller’s Happy Feet. For the first half of the movie, you have one of the most magical animated stories I have ever seen. When that little egg pops out penguin feet and starts dancing around, you are in love. The entire time Happy Feet grows into adolescence, you are there. We recognize all of the moments: feeling outcast, your first love, striving to be the best at being you. The first half of Happy Feet was one of my favorite experiences in a theater that year.

Then something just… snaps. We meet the older penguin voiced by Mork from Ork. He’s got a plastic six-pack holder stuck around his neck. Okay. It’s Robin Williams so it’s still funny… right? I’m still with it, I guess. Then the heavier pollution themes begin to appear. The ice is melting. The oil tankers are coming. There’s a horrific scene where Robin Williams’ penguin appears to have died violently while gasping for air. The story begins to get weighed down to a crawl. Then it starts to bend under this weight. The audience checks their watches. Happy Feet gets caught in a net and brought into the world of man.

Then the movie turns into a SCI-FI HORROR FILM AND I AM SCARED! In minutes, Happy Feet goes from being something that I am completely invested in to something that scares the living hell out of me. The visual language of the film is from horror films. The themes and sounds resonate the darkest science fiction, alien invasion plots of the 1950s and 1960s. I am 100% creeped the fuck out. The kid next to me is covering his eyes. We are sharing the same expression on our faces. Our jaws are agape and our eyes are wide. Complete “what the hell is happening” fear.

In Happy Feet, the humans might be represented as faceless members of a whole but they are absolutely REAL. They are realistic in their compositions and rendering. They are human in their voices. The pollution and destruction that they have wrought are real world terrors from the front pages of our newspapers (or at least the papers that Al Gore and I read). There is an immediate recognition and attribution when these horrors and humans are on screen.

Is it too much? The movie went on to rake in all sorts of cash at the box office. We lived in a world of Happy Feet for 6 months. The film won an Oscar for Best Animated Feature (over the perfect Monster House). But I can’t help but think that many of us were left behind. For me, the language of the message was too much.

With Happy Feet I felt as though I was being scared into a certain way of thinking. The stance was obvious and I was being provoked into getting in line. The gradual brainwashing sequence in the film comes to mind. Happy Feet scared you into being a better person… for the good of our world.

Wall-E goes about the same message in a very different way. Here, the problems are magnified far beyond reality. Our world is already uninhabitable and has been for centuries. The Earth has already lost. Humanity has already begun a slow devolution as punishment for their myopic and selfish crimes. But you laughed! And even though the world in which Wall-E exists is severely separated from the reality we currently live in, we felt more empathetic towards it. This is a world we wanted to see succeed, even though the odds were that much more insurmountable. Despite its distance from us and the fact that our main character spoke in beeps and whirs, we were invested in its human element.

Wall-E’s complete separation from reality is what gives the message its effectiveness. We aren’t being scared into thinking a certain way. We are painted a picture and given the exaggerated facts and then left with them to make of what we will. THIS is the world of the future. THESE are the people of the future. THAT is what we are left with. The circumstances are SO extreme and farfetched that it gives us the safety to be able to look at the situation objectively. Rather than having a finger pushed in our face and being challenged to react, we are given an image of the world in the film and are asked “how did we end up like this?”.

My girlfriend Laura has an incredible tool that she has mastered through years of working in human resources. I no doubt discovered this tool by messing up somehow but I will spare you that story and share this lesson with you freely. It works wonders.

Simply, when you are met with an interpersonal communication problem, start each sentence with “help me understand…”. It’s fucking genius. “Help me understand why you borrowed my razor without asking me first.” “Help me understand how my XBox Live profile got deleted.” “Help me understand why you thought it was a good idea to have sex in the changing rooms while we were taking store inventory.” Try it. It works in every situation.

What it does is several things. First, it diffuses the problem a bit and keeps both sides from taking immediate defensive positions going into problem solving. Second, it places the ball in THEIR hands. It asks THEM to help YOU. Rather than defensively responding in a rush of excuses, the other side problem solves and processes the series of events that led to the current situation. YOU are the open-armed good guy. THEY are now on your team, working with you to make things right. Someone might be in the wrong, but you start digesting the problem from a neutral and balanced place.

Pixar’s storytellers are so damn smart. The entire world of Wall-E is presented in this way. Even in the opening shots, the film is saying “Help me understand…”. We see spires and mountains and skyscrapers of abandoned junk. The audience is asked by these images to answer… “what happened here?” They are shown the problems of the film’s world on a grand scale but never forced or manipulated into judging. Just given a simple “help me understand.”

On the flipside, Happy Feet does to audiences what I do to my dogs when they won’t eat their pills. I start them off with their food and I watch as they eat it. While they do, I quietly get a treat and bury a pill into it. Then I feed it to them. By the time the pill has been swallowed, it’s too late. I have tricked them! They definitely hate me for that and are defensive about it. Any human would be.

So I pose the question to you: when it comes to using animated films to teach our children lessons, what approach is more effective or welcome? The open armed, humorous distancing of Wall-E? Or the cold, harsh reality lessons of Happy Feet? At the end of the day, is the message getting through? Is the storytelling lost in the lesson or the lesson lost in the storytelling?

Please. Help me understand. Did the message get through to you?

Indy Strikes Back!

by profwagstaff

So, everybody seems to be hating on Indy these days. What the fuck’s up with that? Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull is NOT a perfect movie by any means. It certainly has its problems. Jonathan laid them all out for all to see a couple of days ago…and I can certainly agree with just about everything he said.

Just about…

But first, let me tell you what I thought. This may be total blasphemy, but I thought it was better than Temple Of Doom. Maybe not by a longshot, but by enough for me to enjoy it more than that black mark on the Indy totem pole.

What’s wrong with TOD, you might ask? Well, I’ll tell you.

First off, it was FAR too dark for a series that was, first and foremost, a throwback to the classic action heroes of yore. Sure, the pulp novels that Indy was sort of based on could get dark, but we never expected there to be child slaves or heart-ripping Thugees in an Indiana Jones movie. (Yeah, yeah. There was only one before it and it included melting faces…but even THAT wasn’t as gory or dark as ripping hearts out of chests, showing it to the still living victim and then burning said victim alive in the pits of a volcano…or hell…or whatever the hell it was.) Steven Spielberg had never directed a movie that was as dark as Temple Of Doom. Even Poltergeist (which he wrote and produced) wasn’t as dark, really. More frightening, sure. That movie kept me up for weeks…and that was just a couple of years ago when I saw it again.

Of course, we all know that the PG-13 rating was created because of Temple Of Doom. THAT’S how dark it was. It probably could have been rated R and people wouldn’t have been surprised. The only reason it was PG was because Spielberg complained to the MPAA. (A trick that has continued to work for him. Why else do you think Saving Private Ryan was rated R instead of NC-17?)

My second problem was the depiction of the Thugees. These guys were a pretty horrible sect of Indian/Hindu culture. They robbed and killed unsuspecting travelers all in the name of the goddess Kali. They were wiped out in the early parts of the 20th Century, but who knows?

The Thugees in Temple Of Doom seemed to have come from a more sadistic version of the Beatles’ movie Help! They were cartoonish and historically completely inaccurate. The real Thugees killed people with yellow sashes. No heart-ripping involved. But that wouldn’t have made a very compelling movie, so Spielberg had them do horrible things to the people as they killed them. There is one guy who tries to kill Indy with a sash, but that was such a small thing that it was barely noticed.

This is why the movie was banned in India for years.

And my third problem was the fact that Indy was suddenly a superhero. In Raiders (and Last Crusade after it), Indy was human. He never really did anything that a human couldn’t survive. A very strong human, sure. Perhaps a human with the strength of Pat Roach. But a human, nonetheless.

In TOD, he and his friends jump out of an airplane that is still a thousand or so feet up with only a rubber rescue raft to break their fall. Yeah. That’s right. Even Short Round survives. (Yeah, he’s cool, but he’s SUCH a stereotype.) Hell, even Willie The Annoying Bitch survives. How? Not a clue. She was sleeping with the director. That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

Then they manage to survive a roller coaster ride on a rickety old mine train system going about 60 mph with no breaks. Plenty of breaks in the tracks, though, that they jump over and survive. And Indy stops them with his feet.

Whatever. TOD is the worst of the four. But I digress. On to Crystal Skull.

I did have a problem with the end of the opening sequence. Not the introduction to Indy. That worked for me. In fact, I thought it showed him to be just as much of a bad-ass as the first movie did. We see him only in silhouette for quite a while and, yeah, he’s getting the crap beat out of him, but he’s incredibly hard as it’s being done. He’s taking it and looks ready to give it back.

No, it’s the nuclear blast and his apparent survival that got me. Now, he’s not just any ol’ superhero. He’s fucking Superman. He climbs into a refrigerator (lead lined, apparently) that is pretty close to ground fucking zero and then proceeds to be blasted about five miles away. The fridge is thrown HARD. He hits the ground hard enough to do some damage, not just to the ground, but to the fridge. The door flies open and he stumbles out, basically unscathed. No broken bones. Maybe a few scratches on his face…but were those from the beating he took?

Whatever. I’ll buy the three waterfalls towards the end better than I’ll buy that.

Jonathan had a problem with the introduction to Mutt. He said that no hero should be introduced sitting down. Well, he was sitting down on a fucking motorcycle. I think that pretty much nullifies any “pussy” comments. Remember, his hero, Marlon Brando, was introduced sitting on a motorcycle. No comparisons to Mr. Brando here. Just saying that he was obviously pretty heavily influenced by The Wild One, so why not introduce on a motorcycle?

As for the argument that Mutt didn’t change throughout the movie and never seemed to become a hero because he was a “cool guy” throughout…that’s wrong. He was a poser at the beginning. Yeah, introduced on a motorcycle and all, but he was a poser. He wasn’t cool and he knew it, but he tried his best to put on a good face. By the end, after showing some pretty good sword skills, he was nearly ready for the hat…nearly. Indy stole it away from him at the last second. If everyone has their way, maybe by the end of the next one he WILL be ready for the hat. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

By the way, Mutt=Indy. Remember, “We named the dog Indiana!” Yeah, it’s dumb, but there’s a reason for it. And for the 50s, that was probably a pretty cool name. They had dumber nicknames back then. Jughead? Come on!

The Crystal Skull was definitely used too much as a cure-all. I will certainly agree to that. And the villains weren’t as bad-ass as they should have been…but I never really got the impression that Irina Spalko had any powers, only that she studied them. She did not have the guts to actually look into the eyes of the skull. That’s what Oxley was for. He was the guinea pig. Since he didn’t fare so well, she had not done it yet. That whole Vulcan mind grip that she almost did to Indy was all for show and he never looked like he believed it. Of course, neither did she, really. I think it was more for effect than for any kind of scare tactic.

By the way, Jonathan, your idea to have Indy forced to nearly kill Oxley by Spalko’s psychic powers is too much of a Temple Of Doom thing. Sure, it could be chalked up as an homage, but why homage something from TOD that no one really liked. Did we LIKE seeing Indy slap a little boy around? Hell, no.

The animals didn’t bother me that much. In fact, after they were off screen, I forgot about them. There are animals in the jungle. And I could see Mutt getting the idea to swing from monkeys. Whatever. Not a big deal. Plus, it was kind of cool to see them all gang up on the one Ruskie in the jeep. Fuck him. And the groundhogs? Meh. Take ’em or leave ’em. I kind of liked having the Paramount logo turn into a molehill in this one. Certainly better than going into a bad musical number. No, Willie. Anything does NOT go.

So, yeah. I had fun with The Crystal Skull. Jonathan’s version would have been better. I agree. He’s a very good writer. But I also think that he still feels burned from Episode I (editor: “I do”).

And just so you know where I’m coming from, this was written by someone who thought that Episode I had its moments, but was ultimately kind of boring, Episode II was fun, but not great and Episode III was nearly up to Jedi standards. With a few writing/directing tweaks, it could have been the best of the bunch.

I also realize that Spielberg doesn’t make these kinds of movies anymore. The last “fun” movies that he made was a stretch of Minority Report, Catch Me If You Can and The Terminal. Only Minority Report was an action film, but it was pretty serious. The other two were light dramas. And War Of The Worlds was pretty deadly serious. He had to try to reteach himself how to direct a light action flick. And he did a fairly decent job. Hopefully, if they do end up making a fifth like they’ve always wanted to do since the 80s, he can do a better job. I’ll be in line for it.

You can find more Professor Wagstaff reviews and opinions at Professor Wagstaff’s official website: www.profwagstaff.com. Just be ready to disagree with everything he says… like Jonathan’s been doing since highschool! But really, check it out. He’s the self professed Geek of All Media!

How to Take a Punch in the Stomach: Gilmore Interviews Ray Park

by Gilmore

Ray Park is one of the most skilled martial artists in the entertainment industry today. Even with his British accent, his designer t-shirt, and his youthful enthusiasm about everything he does: most people know him as Darth Maul. For those of you who don’t know he was in a little movie called Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. He was arguably the best part of the movie. He was also Toad in the X-Men movie.


Most recently, though, he has been cast as the black ninja (and always the hardest toy to find in stores) known as Snake Eyes in the upcoming GI Joe live action movie. When I bring it up, he lights up like a kid who wore that toy’s joints out as much as you and I did:

One of the reasons I always wanted to play Snake Eyes is because I played as him when I was a kid. Star Wars fans and the fans I’ve met at conventions have said “You’d be the best Snake Eyes ever if they did a GI Joe movie!” So when I heard they were actually going to do it I did everything possible to try and get in a meeting or try and get an audition cause I wanted to do it for myself, I wanted to do it for the fans and I wanted to do it for my cousins and all my nephews and my kids. It’s great to be here and to be able to tell those stories.

So that was your favorite GI Joe character?

That and Storm Shadow, believe it or not. I actually liked Storm Shadow a lot because whenever you saw a ninja movie with a white ninja or a red ninja. He always looked different…and I like Snake Eyes because he was different as well. He was a commando. He reminded me of the British special forces – the SAS. That’s why I like that kind of stuff.

I’ve always been fascinated by anything special forces, you know? Anything that’s military, or warrior or…really just anything to do with weapons. Especially traditional weapons. I loved [them] as a kid.

When did you actually start actually playing with weapons? Well not “playing” with weapons, but training with them?

When I was 7. That was the first time I started to get into martial arts. And I got into martial arts purely because I saw Star Wars and I was blown away by the lightsabers and my dad introduced me to Bruce Lee and kung fu movies and I’m like, “I didn’t know it was all special effects”. I thought it was really real [at the time]. So I wanted to do what the guys were doing in the films, so I thought, “how am I going to do that?” – through martial arts. So that’s why I got into martial arts.

So you got into martial arts specifically to be in film.

Yeah.

Sweet.

Well I got into martial arts to do what the guys were doing in film and when I got to about 13 or 14, I realized – I want to be an Arnold Schwarzenegger, I want to be like Van Damme and Rocky. I want to be like Rambo.

Van Damme, eh? What’s your favorite Van Damme movie?

Actually, No Retreat, No Surrernder was my favorite one to see because he was a bad guy and that inspired me as a kid to train a lot and work a lot on my skills.

Fighting skills or acting skills?

On my martial arts skills. Acting? I really hadn’t even thought about acting school then. I just wanted to do my martial arts in movies. I had to do drama at school, but I never went to any special or specific acting school.

Just Martial Arts training, then. Nice. So did you ever get into any fights as a kid? Have you ever been in any actual fights?

Not really, I try and walk away from them. The more you do martial arts, the less you actually have to use it, which is great.

A lot of kids, like when I did karate when I was little (I stopped because i was too fat) are just into it because of the ass-kicking. I started doing karate at that age because of Kickboxer.

[excited] Oh yeah, actually! Bloodsport was one of my favorite movies as well!

Remember in Kickboxer when they get those sticky gloves and rub them in glass instead of using gloves for the last fight? How bad ass is that?

You know what I loved about Kickboxer? It was the guy who trained him in the forest. I always wanted that.

So, I did that with Daniel the other day [Daniel Logan – who was standing a few feet away from us. You might know him as young Boba Fett from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones]. He was in my trailer and I had the medicine ball. I was trying to teach him, because Daniel trains with me every now and then. I was trying to teach him how to breathe. I said “look, you can take a blow and you can take it well if you breathe properly.” So I got a medicine ball and at first he wasn’t gettin it and I said “look, you’ve got to just concentrate on your breathing.”

I said “throw it at me. Just do it.”

Then I started thinking about Kickboxer in that scene when that guy was up in the trees and he drops the coconut on him – and we [started] doing that the other day as conditioning. It was more about the breathing, rather than the actual ball hitting him in the stomach. I wanted to just teach him a little bit more about breathing for sport.

How do you breathe if you’re going to get hit in the stomach?

Well, hopefully you’ll know it’s coming [we both laugh]. But most of the time, you don’t really know it’s coming, so the best way to prepare for that is probably just to not get hit in the stomach.

That’s probably good advice, I think.

Yeah, just avoid it and don’t get into any situation where you know you’re going to get hit in the stomach. Or anywhere you think that might happen to you. At all [laughs]

What I always do when I think someone is going to hit me in the stomach is I flex. Is that right? Will that kill me?

You know, sometimes flexing can do more damage than good if you’re not breathing properly. If you push your stomach down and tighten it in – pull it in -[while] flexing at the same time, [then] there’s a lot of pulling and tugging that actually makes your stomach a lot harder. It also lowers your center of gravity. But you don’t need to know that, right?…

[both laugh]Oh yes, well, of course! So, growing up as a GI Joe fan – is this movie staying true? Will it make all the GI Joe fans who played with all the toys, read all the comics and watched the cartoons as kids (or full grown adults) happy?

Oh definitely. Yeah, definitely. You should be big time excited. I’m excited and I’m on set. The sets are unbelievable! The costumes, the wardrobe, the look is unbelievable and it’s such a nice, fun set to be on. I mean, I’m lucky – I’m playing Snake Eyes! I get to live out [the character] that I’ve been playing since I was a kid and now I get to actually be Snake Eyes! It’s just bizarre. I feel very lucky.

And you also got to wield the coolest lightsaber in the Star Wars universe.

I’m very very lucky. They’re all coming around. My childhood dreams. I’m grateful to my parents and my martial arts teachers and anyone that’s been in my life that has actually had the patience to help me and to guide me. Even if it was a small bit here and there, I’ve taken that, and I’ve learned a good lesson from it.

You’ve played one of the coolest new Star Wars characters, an X-Men character, and now Snake Eyes. What’s your dream character? If you could play any character ever, which one would you play?

It’s funny, I always said I wanted to be Batman. It’s funny because I grew up with Batman and the Hulk when I was a kid. Thinking about it now, though, I would love to play Danny Rand – Iron Fist. I’d love to do that. Even though I’m supposed to be doing it – I would love to actually get to do it [laughs], because it’s a traditional story. My dad used to read the comics, so I’d also like to do it for my father. So I’ve become a fan of Iron Fist. I would love to do it because the fans have really supported me in it and I’d love to do it for the fans as well.

What I really want, though? I’d love to do a movie where I goof off – but I use my martial arts skills as well. Not like Jackie Chan, but [I’d like to] do something stupid and be funny.

So like a Rush Hour?…Or…[both laugh]

Something…more…different than that.

Like early Jim Carrey?

Yeah! Yeah!

So do you want your own Ace Ventura?

Well, not so much like an Ace Ventura, but…I’d like to do a period piece where I’m a circus performer or something like that. Where it’s got a lot of comedy and romance and boyish charm. I want to do something different. I love doing movies where it involves wardrobe of a [different] time. You can really get to sink your teeth into those and have a good time.

Right now, Snake Eyes is my favorite character, though. I mean, I’m more excited about that than I was about Darth Maul and I’m really lucky to be able to say I’m Darth Maul and now I’m going to be able to play Snake Eyes. It’s my first good guy role. Ever. I get to be a good guy.

And now kids won’t be scared of you when they see you at conventions. When their parents show them who you were [speaking about Darth Maul and Toad] and then they just kind of run away.

Yeah, it’s really hard for the kids to put two and two together sometimes unless they get to see the behind the scenes and stuff. I mean, I wouldn’t want to know who the guy [who played these characters] was at all!

When I found out who the guy was on Nightmare on Elm Street I wasn’t scared anymore. I got to see what his personality was like – the real person – and it all went away.

That character scared me to death. That was the worst movie I could have ever seen as a kid. I couldn’t sleep at night. That scared me the most.

What scared you about it so much?

Well, just, the character! The fact that he could come out of the bed at any point and just take you away! Just because you were dreamin!

Then when I saw the behind the scenes and they did an interview with Robert Englund, I wasn’t scared anymore. Then I could sleep. Before that, though, it really scared me. It really did scare the pants right off me.

Any other messages for the Geekscapists? Anything you’re working on?

There’re some other things…There’s a piece called The Descendants – Joey Andrade and Dark Horse are putting something together. We shot a trailer and the comic is already out there. I’m looking forward to doing that.

There’s also a good friend of mine, Kevin VanHook. We’re doing Aries: God of War, which is another story of Jason and the Argonauts – there’s a period piece!

What’re you playing in that?

I’m playing Phileas. He’s Jason’s best friend, and, of course, he’s an awesome swordsman as well. It’s a good script cause Kevin knows how to write a good story and make it fun. He’s a friend of mine and I like working with friends and good people, but…I just feel really blessed because, well…Snake Eyes. I can’t believe it.

Well we’ll definitely keep our eyes peeled for that.

Thanks! I want to say thanks to the fans as well for all the support. I wouldn’t be at any of these conventions I go to or anywhere if it wasn’t for the fans. It really means a lot.

Well thanks to you for kicking some ass, my good man.

Thank you!