The day I have been waiting for since the premiere of The Expendables 2 is slowly encroaching upon us: Xena Warrior Princess XXX release date! And now, the porn parody starring Phoenix Marie and Lexi Belle as the Warrior Princess and her sidekick the Battling Bard of Potedeia finally has a trailer. I must admit, I couldn’t be more excited. While I’ve never really been a porn aficionado (the only one I’ve watched is A Party at Kitty and Stud‘s starring Sylvester Stallone, because … duh), I am a Xenite to the (lady) bone(r), and any chance to reignite interest in the Warrior Princess has my vote for best idea ever.
And after seeing the trailer, I am still pretty psyched as the look and feel based on those three minutes is in the vein of the show. Castle Corsetry does well making the costumes. The sets and sounds, especially our Celtic lady of perpetual wailing, all feel right for the show they are parodying. Hell, they even brought Argo along for the ride! Thought maybe I should be more worried than excited about that one? I can only hope that there are awesome woosh! sounds to go with her chakram throwing and some Three Stooge-style humor mixed in.
But my favorite touch from the trailer is this right here:
While not quite so famous as the Xena “pinch”, this move was featured prominently in the show.
This is a bonafide Xena sex trick (because no one else does this. Ever.). I recall this move used rather vividly on Ares during the Amphipolis Under Siege episode in season 6. I can’t recall if it was ever used on Hercules, I’ll have to do a rewatch of the Warrior Princess trilogy from Hercules to know for sure. Perhaps a marathon of the seasons is in order to prepare for the DVD release in September of this year? As if I needed a reason …
That said, based on the story I can glean from the wordless trailer, I’m rather concerned this wasn’t made by people who are aware of the fanbase and that it mostly comprises of the members in the LGBT community. Case in point? It’s clear that Gabrielle is going to have sex with someone who isn’t Xena. While Xena may have seduced scads of men through the course of the show, Gabby only ever truly had eyes for Xena (though there were some pretty poor attempts at pairing her with Joxer throughout the show). Gabrielle would never of her own volition forsake Xena. Ever. Even though it looks like they are playing out the main gag of the episode A Comedy of Eros, where baby Bliss gets a hold of Cupid’s bow and starts making everyone fall in love with each other, which can explain away Gabrielle getting on with someone else. Nevertheless, it still is rather baffling. You finally have a chance to get over the “are they/aren’t they” question of subtext and give the only surviving fanbase of Xena what they finally want: a hardcore sex scene between the battling bard and the warrior princess. And while it most assuredly will be in there, somewhere, to have the characters be mostly (it seems) heterosexual is rather, well, surprising.
But, perhaps if it does well (I have no idea what that means in the porn world), they’ll make a more lesbian-filled sequel. With amazons. So many Amazons!
Another pairing that seems likely will be Ares and Aphrodite (who, curiously enough, both appear to be more clothed in the parody than they ever appeared on the show). While canon to the Greek myths, in the show the pair played heavily to sibling rivalry and distaste of each other that makes it a little odd. But hey, incest in wincest (amiright?).
Ironically enough, it will have way better special effects than the TV show ever did.
Finally, speaking as a true fan of the show, I have to admit I am surprised with the selection of Alti–though Juelz Venture looks way more like Velasca–over Xena’s archnemesis Callisto is another surprising choice. Not to say I didn’t like Alti (I think she’s great and wish Claire Stansfield would find some work) but if you’re going to do long haired, billous green sports bra era Gabrielle, then you have got to go with Callisto. You just do. Alti, while a major villain in season 4 (who fought spiritual battles, not physical ones, as a shaman), she doesn’t come into contact with Gabby until gets into full body henna while singing the praises of Jesus Christ Eli and about to go full butch.
This was a show that definitely impacted my understanding of sex and sexuality, so it’s rather fitting to me that it make a come back in the porn world. I never thought I’d ever say this about a porn film, but I am definitely looking forward to its release. I only wish I had written it.
Xena Warrior Princess XXX An Exquisite Films Parody will be released on DVD September 26