Tag: Xena

‘Xena’ Reboot? Looks Like It Was Too Good To Be True!

by Derek Kraneveldt

Briefly: Yesterday it was reported that NBC had begun development on a reboot of classic 90’s action series Xena: Warrior Princess.

Sadly, it looks like you’ll have to give up on those dreams for now, as earlier today Xena herself, Lucy Lawless, squashed the news of the reboot.

It looks as though we’ll just have to keep dreaming for now, but while we wait for Xena, why not check out Paul London: Hero of the Prophecy?

‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ Reboot In The Works From NBC

by Shane O'Hare

14 years after the show’s sixth season ended, Xena: Warrior Princess is looking to make a return to television.

Hollywood Reporter‘s sources tell them that NBC is looking to make a modern reboot of the beloved franchise. Shows original executive producers, Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert are back on board to make the show a “modern” reboot. There is no confirmation of what role Lucy Lawless will have in the show, but rumors are that the producers want her involved somehow.

The direct quote from sources is that:

Xena would have to have the charisma and charm of Lawless and the smarts of The Hunger Games’ Katniss

Seems that our beloved shows from our youth are all returning. This news is hot on the heels of the X-Files series reboot as weel.

No word on additional cast of Xena, but the show is slated to hit the air sometime in 2016.

Shout! Factory’s ‘Young Hercules’ Complete DVD Set Coming June, Cover Released!

by Eric Francisco

Long before he captured your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s heart in The Notebook and gave L.A.’s criminals joyrides in the critically-acclaimed neo-noir Drive, Ryan Gosling kicked ass on Saturday mornings as a young Hercules in, well, Young Hercules.

This morning, the wonderful purveyors of nostalgia known as Shout! Factory announced they will be releasing Young Hercules, the for-kids spin-off of the cult Hercules and Xena franchises that aired from 1998 to 1999 in a complete DVD set.

From the Shout! Factory official Tumblr:

tumblr_nkavbi3UrL1rgetbio1_500

Aired on the FOX Kids Network from September 1998 until May 1999 with a whopping fifty episodes of a sword-wielding Gosling, this cheesy delight of a fantasy series baffles me because Gosling’s rabid fanbase rarely talks about it. Ever.

But besides starring the number one choice of your significant other’s cheat list, the series was produced by The Evil Dead and Spider-Man director Sam Raimi (appropriate, since he was also behind Xena and Hercules) with special effects work done by the future Oscar-winner Weta Workshop. Alongside Gosling, the show also starred Dean O’Gorman (The Hobbit series) and Chris Conrad, who I think edits his own Wikipedia page.

Despite the outstanding lineage of the series, it often was second in the ratings to, believe it or not, Power Rangers.

Kudos to Shout! Factory for obtaining this series for release. I didn’t watch it too much as a kid, but I enjoyed it enough to might actually make a purchase. For my sister, at least. See this FOX Kids Magazine cover below? She tore it from my issue and hung it up on her locker when I was 8.

FoxKidsMagYHCover

Young Hercules: The Complete Series will be released June 23, 2015 on DVD for $24.99 from Shout! Factory. You can preorder it here.

Xena Warrior Princess XXX Trailer Released

by Molly Mahan

The day I have been waiting for since the premiere of The Expendables 2 is slowly encroaching upon us: Xena Warrior Princess XXX release date! And now, the porn parody starring Phoenix Marie and Lexi Belle as the Warrior Princess and her sidekick the Battling Bard of Potedeia finally has a trailer. I must admit, I couldn’t be more excited. While I’ve never really been a porn aficionado (the only one I’ve watched is A Party at Kitty and Stud‘s starring Sylvester Stallone, because … duh), I am a Xenite to the (lady) bone(r), and any chance to reignite interest in the Warrior Princess has my vote for best idea ever.

And after seeing the trailer, I am still pretty psyched as the look and feel based on those three minutes is in the vein of the show. Castle Corsetry does well making the costumes. The sets and sounds, especially our Celtic lady of perpetual wailing, all feel right for the show they are parodying. Hell, they even brought Argo along for the ride! Thought maybe I should be more worried than excited about that one? I can only hope that there are awesome woosh! sounds to go with her chakram throwing and some Three Stooge-style humor mixed in.

But my favorite touch from the trailer is this right here:

While not quite so famous as the Xena “pinch”, this move was featured prominently in the show.

This is a bonafide Xena sex trick (because no one else does this. Ever.). I recall this move used rather vividly on Ares during the Amphipolis Under Siege episode in season 6. I can’t recall if it was ever used on Hercules, I’ll have to do a rewatch of the Warrior Princess trilogy from Hercules to know for sure. Perhaps a marathon of the seasons is in order to prepare for the DVD release in September of this year? As if I needed a reason …

That said, based on the story I can glean from the wordless trailer, I’m rather concerned this wasn’t made by people who are aware of the fanbase and that it mostly comprises of the members in the LGBT community. Case in point? It’s clear that Gabrielle is going to have sex with someone who isn’t Xena. While Xena may have seduced scads of men through the course of the show, Gabby only ever truly had eyes for Xena (though there were some pretty poor attempts at pairing her with Joxer throughout the show). Gabrielle would never of her own volition forsake Xena. Ever. Even though it looks like they are playing out the main gag of the episode A Comedy of Eros, where baby Bliss gets a hold of Cupid’s bow and starts making everyone fall in love with each other, which can explain away Gabrielle getting on with someone else. Nevertheless, it still is rather baffling. You finally have a chance to get over the “are they/aren’t they” question of subtext and give the only surviving fanbase of Xena what they finally want: a hardcore sex scene between the battling bard and the warrior princess. And while it most assuredly will be in there, somewhere, to have the characters be mostly (it seems) heterosexual is rather, well, surprising.

But, perhaps if it does well (I have no idea what that means in the porn world), they’ll make a more lesbian-filled sequel. With amazons. So many Amazons!

Another pairing that seems likely will be Ares and Aphrodite (who, curiously enough, both appear to be more clothed in the parody than they ever appeared on the show). While canon to the Greek myths, in the show the pair played heavily to sibling rivalry and distaste of each other that makes it a little odd. But hey, incest in wincest (amiright?).

Ironically enough, it will have way better special effects than the TV show ever did.

Finally, speaking as a true fan of the show, I have to admit I am surprised with the selection of Alti–though Juelz Venture looks way more like Velasca–over Xena’s archnemesis Callisto is another surprising choice. Not to say I didn’t like Alti (I think she’s great and wish Claire Stansfield would find some work) but if you’re going to do long haired, billous green sports bra era Gabrielle, then you have got to go with Callisto. You just do. Alti, while a major villain in season 4 (who fought spiritual battles, not physical ones, as a shaman), she doesn’t come into contact with Gabby until gets into full body henna while singing the praises of Jesus Christ Eli and about to go full butch.

This was a show that definitely impacted my understanding of sex and sexuality, so it’s rather fitting to me that it make a come back in the porn world. I never thought I’d ever say this about a porn film, but I am definitely looking forward to its release. I only wish I had written it.

Xena Warrior Princess XXX An Exquisite Films Parody will be released on DVD September 26

Geekscape Roundtable: Fictional Characters We’d Bang… PART TWO!

by GeekscapeStaff

It’s part 2 of the most important discussion known to mankind!

Everyone has a fictional character they’d bang, whether it’s someone from a movie, a comic, or a car insurance company. So the Geekscape staff put together their top 5 lists, High Fidelity style. 

Joe Starr

Black Widow: Specifically the Iron Man 2/Avengers Black Widow. “Is that dirty enough for you?” COME ON. I actually wasn’t on the ScarJo train until Iron Man 2, and by the time the Avengers credits were rolling I was riding the train like a DJ from the Quad Cities.  Note to self: Do more things like a Quad City DJ. She’s hot, she’s tough. Plus, she’s written by Joss Whedon so you know we will have clever banter. OH the banter we will have.

Arcee from Transformers Prime: This one isn’t about sex. I mean, that happens, but I’m pretty sure that this is the first female character that I’ve found myself admiring and investing in in years. I mean, she’s amazingly strong and independent, a tough but warm woman you can’t help but respect. She’s a breath of fresh air from fake stupid pixie dream girls like The New Girl in the same way that Thor and Captain America were a nice break from ‘guys that want to focus on their photography’ for ladies. It’s not my fault she’s a robot that turns into a motorcycle that I’d have sex with.

Margaery Tyrell: Tyrell is unnervingly beautiful. She’s a subtle player in the Game of Thrones making smart moves. After all, remember what Training Day Denzel said: This is chess, it ain’t checkaz! Tyrell is a chess player. And sometimes she shows her boobs sometimes.

Emma Stone: Ok, look. Emma Stone isn’t real. She can’t be. She’s got all of the hotness Lohan had going for herself circa Mean Girls and none of the coke and coke and coke and coke. Also, she seems pretty rad. Way too rad to be real. It’s like life’s writers felt bad about Lohan and gave the world a do over. I want them to fight. It would be fucking epic. I’m pretty sure Lindsay would work as an alt dimension evil Emma, because she’s starting to get a bit of a goatee.

Kaylee Frye: Look, if we’re gonna go Pixie Dream Girl let’s at least go with one that can fix a starship with a roll of duct tape and sheer will. This chick would roll her eyes at Zooey Deschanel and then hit her with a wrench. And then have sex with me fingers crossed?

Allison McKnight

David Xanatos from Gargoyles:  Look, I’m just going to lay it all out there.  He’s hot.  Look at that stylish ponytail, that jawline and those shoulders.  And not only is he infinitely bangable, he’s a mastermind, manipulating the world to suit his visions.  He moved an entire castle!  How many men can say that?

Caesar from Xena:  Molly may have her heart-on for Ares, but we all know where it’s actually at: Caesar, as played by Karl Urban.  Oof.  Can I get that a second time.  Oof.  That is one sexy hunk of sociopathic manflesh, right there.  He can chain me up, torture me, and take over the civilized world any day.

Gregory House: It’s House, for christsake.  This is the man who walks around, scowling, picking people’s brains apart like he was ripping open a wad of cotton candy.  Gooey, emotion-filled cotton candy.  Even with only one good leg, he’s probably a better lay than… well, I’m not going to name names.

Richard B. Riddick: Sure, he’s a bit of a deviation from my usual lust for Magnificent Bastards, but have you seen those pecs?  In all seriousness, that man is a sex ninja.  That’s right: a sex ninja.  I’m talking about going through positions that normally aren’t physically possibleand he’s all bestial-hind-brain driven– you can tell by his opening narrative that he’s not just a growler, he’s a biter.

Mitsuomi Takayanagi from Tenjho Tenge:  This is a bit of an obscure character for most and, man, is his hair odd.  But when you’re an intelligent piece of beefcake that is casually manipulating people into potential deadly scenarios so you can finally bang your angry ex-girlfriend into submission… mrowr.

Russell Sherman

Jessica Rabbit: Now this is the only female character that could make me choose to be straight.  She’s sexy, loves the nerdy type and is committed to her man, sure she likes to pay patty cake but who doesn’t?  This chick is all right in my books.

Dr. Emmett Brown: Inventor of the stylish time machine, the Tardis may have a pool but it’s not a DeLorean.  Who would want to spend their lifetime traveling through time with their lover?  Doc is the whole package, he’s a creator, smart, artistic (although not always to scale) and the man can dance.

Sam and Dean Winchester: Those two have earned sex from everyone on the planet, they prevented the Apocalypse, fought the devil (and won), and are actively trying to make the world a better place even though it keeps taking everyone they care about away.  We owe them this, gay straight doesn’t matter they have earned a spit roast with you in the middle.

Merlin: He’s frikin’ magic for crying out loud, this is a man that could make all of your dreams come true.  If you want to frak on a magic carpet ride he could make it happen.  You want to ride a unicorn down the wedding isle again he could make this happen.

Wallace Wells: The gossip man who owns all the cool things in Scott’s apartment.  He’s sarcastic, Canadian and gay so this makes him the one character on this list that I’d actually have a chance with not to mention if things work out we could actually get hitched and it’d be legal.  That man is good looking in both the comics and the movie and is not afraid to speak his mind.

Matt Blackwood

Aela the Huntress from Skyrim: Face tattoos, mismatched armor, lots of skin showing- she’s like a medieval Suicide Girl. Plus, she’ll kill a storm atronach with a rusty dagger if you ask her. Of course, there is that “wet dog” issue; is there a Valtrex for lycanthropy?

Blink from Exiles: She’s brave, clever, kind. And pink. All over. Also, you never have to worry about being late again; with her portal power, you can go wherever you want INSTANTANEOUSLY! You want to step out for Chinese in Beijing? Bring a Somalian family to the never-ending pasta bowl? Get a Facebook profile pic on the Moon? Blink can make it happen. And did I mention she’s pink?

Terry Griffith from Just One of the Guys: Terry is the best kind of girl- one with balls. As a budding investigative journalist, Terry fights against the rampant sexual discrimination she faces by going undercover in drag to write an expose. She’s tough and funny and smart and willing to fight for the disenfranchised. And if you’re one of the guys who saw the flashing scene in his formative years, I don’t have to tell you what a model of physical perfection she is.

Margrethe from Job: A Comedy of Justice: While God and the Devil play their sick games with our hero (randomly dropping him in alternate realities Sliders-style in this classic Heinlein twist), Margrethe is the only constant good. The Danish stewardess is kind, understanding, and sexy. And anyone who makes sandwiches that can LITERALLY be considered heaven is worth holding on to.

The Mother from How I Met Your Mother: Like JJ Abrams, I’m obsessed with a mystery box. In 7 seasons, we’ve never actually met the mother. It’s the most misleading title since BJ and the Bear. Will we ever actually see her or is she like the alien from Contact? Is the mother just a concept, an ineffable ideal? Well, if the pedigree of Ted’s past girlfriends (including Cobie Smulders, Jennifer Morrison, and Mandy Moore) is any indication, the unseen mother is going to be totally effable.

Brian Gilmore

(Editor’s note: NSFW…It’s Gilmore)

Ariel from The Little Mermaid: Now, you can only really either go kind of masogynist or extremely masogynist on this one. Because you either have a girl that has no other choice but to go with mouth sexies all day all the time or one that’s super hot and can’t talk. She’s really willing to go a long way for you, too with the whole abandoning her people and voice thing. And she’s always pretty much topless, which is awesome. Also she wouldn’t get fat from having kids with you since they’d probably just grow in egg sacs.

This just got weird. Moving on.

Daphne from Scooby Doo: Any girl that wears a vagina-length skirt to a swamp and yet bothers to wear a scarf is fine by me. She’s also an idiot, which is awesome for a 1-night stand… I mean, they’re all idiots on that show unless every crook in the Scoobyverse is good enough at make-up design to be a contestant on Face Off. Also she’ll think you’re awesome in bed, since all she’s used to banging is one of the most infamously closeted gay characters in classic cartoon history. I always kind of assumed he was so obviously fabulous that he dressed her. One day: “gurrrl, how you wearin that fabulous purple dress with no flair?! Here, borrow one of my scarves!” Not only are her insanely hot fashion choices the thing that made me realize that legs rule, but she has red hair, and as we already established, this matters.

Tinkerbell: NO. SHUT UP. HEAR ME OUT. So, I’m not going to try to make the age-old argument of “hell yeah, I’d make her look like a lobster dinner” that you’ve heard pretty much since before we walked upright as a species and consistently every night as a child. This isn’t why we’re here. We’re all better than that. It’s because it wouldn’t entail any actual kind of P-in-V, so it’d be a one of a kind experience. Let me explain. And I’m so sorry for this. She’d be buzzing about at maximum speed all over you and everything would just kind of feel like as if Fleshlights worked themselves hands-free while you sat comfortably in a vibrating chair. She’d be the Brookstone of fictional lovers. Also, awesome fashion choice once again. Strapless dress that goes up to the fallopes even when 90% of the time she’s flying? Awesome fashion choice.

Wait. We can pick people played by actual humans?

Inara from Firefly: The only downside to this is that she might be a little disappointed because it’d be like asking a surgeon to do surgery at home (I swear to God there’s a better analogy for that). But she’s trained to do this. It seriously has to rule. Also you’d be doing it in space, which is awesome. Although technically I guess you’re always in space. But after letting her show you why only rich white dudes can afford her, assuming she’d be hosting (and yes, these are all now Craiglist casual encounters in my head), you could go down to the cockpit and play dinosaurs with Wash, as long as this was a time in which we hadn’t watched how he soared yet.

The Nun That Kate Upton Plays in the New Three Stooges Movie: I just really want to have unprotected Catholic sex with Kate Upton.

Stephen Prescott

Joan Halloway from Mad Men: Va-va-va-voom!

Winifred Burkle from Angel: She is the definition of adorkable and she’s a genius to boot. Zooey Deschanel wishes she had an ounce of the awesome that Fred has.

River Song from Doctor Who: Super smart, omnisexual and psychopathic. Everything I look for in a woman.

Irene Adler from Sherlock: Sherlock’s equal in almost every way. Also any woman who considers getting naked “putting on her battle armor” is a woman I’d like to meet.

Rose Tyler from Doctor Who: I don’t think there will ever be a time where I don’t have a total crush on Rose. I could blather on forever about how clever she is and how gorgeous she is and how much fun it would be to travel through space and time with her. I feel as though I completely understand why the Doctor loved her so much.

Jonathan London

The Cuckoos: Choices 1-3 MADE in a Greg Land drawn mind sexing! And one of them is in profile because Greg Land couldn’t find anymore three quarter model shots to trace in the Sears catalogue!

Gambit: He’s just a shithead. A bangable shithead that smells like cigarettes and strip clubs.

A bunch of pugs dressed up as Elf Quest characters: Editor’s note: JK this exists at London’s house and is not fictional.

Justin Lamb

Zuul The Gatekeeper: Dana Barrett is a triple threat. She’s a culturally affluent Manhattanite who plays the cello. She enjoys aerobics but knows when to spoil herself with a bag of Stay-Puft marshmallows. And she’s the corporeal medium for a demigod worshiped by the Sumerians and Hittites in 6000 BC. Long story short, things could get frigthful, but I ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Our safety word could be proton pack. Are you the keymaster? Yes. Yes, I am.

Pris from Blade Runner: Basic. Pleasure. Model.

Mrs. Brisby from The Secret of NIMH: I feel for Mrs. B. She is a sweet widower who wears that Pixie cut really well. She sort of reminds me of Mrs. Dawes, the 40-something woman who used to live next to my parents. Mrs. Dawes would work in her garden in a swimsuit top and khaki Mom shorts but she would still look surprisingly hot. Who knows, one night after stealing some corn from Farmer Fitzgibbons, maybe I would be cutting through her yard and oops I sprain my ankle. Mrs. B takes me inside to help me ice it down but instead things heat up. And then we put that red hood over those old photos of Jonathan Brisby.

Erin the Esurance Girl: Fearless, smart and sexy – whether she was stopping giant death-ray wielding automatons or saving me up to 25% on my auto insurance, this secret agent always sent me Thunderballing. Esurance stopped using her after she did poorly in a survey of popular corporate mascots. Despite being decommissioned though, she still fires up my Burn Unit.

An adult version of Princess Ruto from Ocarina of Time: I spent so many hours on that fucking Water Temple…I earned this.

Geekscape Roundtable: Fictional Characters We’d Bang… PART ONE!

by GeekscapeStaff

Yeah, that’s right. Part 1. This is such an in depth topic that it’s getting a sequel.

Everyone has a fictional character they’d bang, whether it’s someone from a movie, a comic, or a car insurance company. So the Geekscape staff put together their top 5 lists, High Fidelity style. We even got The Devastator’s Geoffrey Golden in on the action!

Molly ‘Mayhem’ Mahan

Rambo: I actually poised a similar question to my mother the other day (we have that kind of relationship), only it was “Rocky or Rambo?” She went with Rocky and I couldn’t disagree more. While I do love the Italian Stallion, few things get me going more than a man who knows how to wield a bow (It’s the Dinah Lance in me). I remember watching the fourth one (yes, with Old Man Stallone) and the minute he whipped out the compound bow and started laying waste to the enemy, I melted. Additionally, he’s a soldier who disdains the government and authority, but still accepts (or at least performs) his mission, meaning he knows how to follow orders even if he thinks it’s a little weird and will go out of his way to perform. Hardly sounds expendable in the bedroom to me, amiright? And don’t tell me that guy isn’t in some serious need of sexual healing. Bow chicka bow wow.

Ares, God of War: As played by the late-great Kevin Tod Smith on Hercules and Xena: Warrior Princess (did you seriously think you’d get away with me not talking about Xena?). Though a complete and utter asshole on Herc, when the God of War showed up on Xena he was still a bastard, but a lovable one at that. I watched this show during my formative years, so the heat and passion between the two was always something I wanted for
myself, and at times seemed like the ideal. And he could be as sweet as a teddy bear at times, too, so he wasn’t all bad. I watched the show religiously during my formative years, so Ares became without a doubt the embodiment of what I found (and still find) sexy.

Tyrion Lannister: All the other fangirls can have their Jon Snows and Jaime Lannisters, I’ll go with the half-man who has proven time and time again that he knows what to do with a woman. Bonus: he doesn’t feel bad about it nor have incestuous leanings. That clever
tongue of his ain’t half bad either.

Jason Todd: Pre-boot, post-resurrection, and in the Hush black leather costume, please. The man’s got daddy issues, has died and come back, and is hell bent for vengeance. Don’t even try to tell me the sex wouldn’t be crazy awesome. Also, I think that random which patch of hair he had in that costume was cool, I don’t care how little sense it made, it was a neat aesthetic. Plus, banging one of the Robins (especially the one that has been the source of such angst in Bat-lore) just feels so awesomely perverse, I can’t help it.

Saotome Ranma from Ranma 1/2: Although a dude, he can change into a girl when hit with cold water. That must be experienced. Preferably by me.

Looking back on this collection, I realize that I may have some anger issues.

Dave Biscella

Dagger: I’m one of the few that LOVE Cloak & Dagger, so I figure that will give me an in. Plus I could use the line, ‘My addiction to you is one addiction you can’t cure.’

Ariel: She’s clearly pretty confident based on the way she dresses. She’s got beautiful red hair and a nice singing voice. Also, always wet.

Harley Quinn: It’d be like hooking up with a hot Juggalette without having to listen to ICP blare in the background.

Tinkerbell: Petite. Blonde. Looks good in green. Can fly. Can’t talk. Perfect mate.

Ryan Gosling in Drive: He won’t let anybody hurt me.

Ben Dunn

Mystique: The only correct answer to the “Which Fictional Character Would You Bang” question is Mystique. I include all incarnations of this blue skinned she-devil. Movies, comics, video games. The reason being that she can fulfill any sexual fantasy you have. Want to bang Kate Upton? Scarlett Johannson? Ros from Game of Thrones? She can be all of those! You would never have to look elsewhere again.

Echo (Dollhouse): Same reason as Mystique, only she gets to keep Eliza’s amazing body.

Jess (New Girl): Not only is she hot like Zooey Deschanel, but she’s super adorkable! Plus, it seems like she is up for whatever. Definitely couldn’t take her after a few days, so this would probably have to be a one nighter.

Alishia Bailey (Misfits): Her super power seems a bit redundant really, a super hot chick who’s power is to make you want to have sex with her? It’s like a delicious cake having the power to make you want to eat it. Stupid. That being said, I don’t care if I don’t remember it afterward, would still bang.

Thorn (Bone): She has curves in all the right places. Plus she hangs out with a bunch of white Smurf rip-offs, so I would probably be HUGE by comparison!

Editor’s Note: Matt Kelley has called shenanigans on Ben, citing the ‘wishing for infinite wishes’ rule for naming Mystique. This brings up a lot of ethical issues: what do you think, readers?

Eric Diaz

Will Hunting: The titular character of Gus Van Sant’s movie Good Will Hunting, and probably actor Matt Damon’s breakout role. Will Hunting is a rough around the edges, smart ass blue collar type, who is secretly hiding a genius level brain and a sensitive soul. Combined with Damon’s then baby face, floppy blonde hair and lips that look like they were put on this Earth to do one thing, it is all pretty much my own personal form of kryptonite.

Audrey Horne: For twenty years now, Sherilyn Fenn’s portrayal of Twin Peak’s black haired sex kitten in saddle shoes and pleated skirts Audrey Horne has been my go to answer for “if you had to go hetero for one night, who would it be?” My answer will always remain Audrey. Either sultrily smoking cigarettes in high school bathrooms, rolling her eyes at those around her and their small town ways, or causing trouble by going undercover in Canadian brothels, Audrey was always the very definition of sex bomb to
me. It is also possible I really just want to BE Audrey more than bang Audrey…. And that’s not a crime.

The Vampire Lestat: Possibly my favorite fictional character period, Anne Rice’s vampire protagonist is tall, blonde, and kind of a prick (all weaknesses of mine with men) but ultimately a noble soul when it counts. Ya know, except for the whole killing people thing. Instead of brooding about his vampiric condition, he mostly enjoys it and loves all the sensual new pleasures it brings him. Lestat is the prototype for vampires like Spike on Buffy and Eric Northman on True Blood. Although portrayed on screen twice-first by Tom Cruise in an admirable attempt, and later by Stuart Townsend in a movie I’d burn every reel of if I could, neither could come close to evoking the novel’s version of Lestat’s
ambiguous omni-sexual nature. It remains the novel version alone that really gets my juices flowing.

Aquaman: I’m talking classic Aquaman, with the orange shirt, clean shaven face, with the short hair and the big trident (the hippie look Aquaman was a big turn off. I hate long hair on guys most of the time). Why Aquaman? Why not? He’s muscular, super strong and rules 75% of the Earth. Also, he’s tall and blonde, and that’s been my type since I first saw Sam J. Jones in Flash Gordon as a young kid, and got excited for the first time down there. I should mention that runner up in the comic book category has gotta be Dick Grayson/Nightwing. I mean, he’s an acrobat. Do the math.

Chris Evans as Captain America: I’ve never been all that crazy about Cap in the comics, at least not enough to get turned on by him, by Chris Evans’ portrayal of the aw-shucks do gooder with a heart of gold trapped in a little guy’s scrawny body, who then gets turned into sex on a stick gets me going every damn time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve paused that Blu ray in the scene where he emerges from the super soldier transformation all shirtless and sweaty and hot and…yeah, I’d better stop now. I will
admit, this entry is 50% “omg I really want have sex with Chris Evans” so I don’t know how much of that is him being Cap or not, but I figure I’d get less flack if I posted Chris Evans as Cap and not Chris Evans as Johnny Storm. Who I would also happily have sex with.

Shane O’Hare and Joshua Jackson

Rarity.
Rarity.
Rarity.
Rarity.
Sweetie Belle.

Special Guest Geoffrey Golden: A Girlfriend Approved Sex List

Let me preface this by saying that Amanda, my girlfriend and co-founder of our comedy magazine The Devastator, is not looking over my shoulder as I write this.

The only fictional characters I want to have sex with are ones that won’t make my beautiful, amazing girlfriend jealous. For example, Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons, a robot and not even a particularly attractive one at that (like, say, Lisa from Weird Science, who I definitely never fantasized about every day of 8th grade). Another robot I’d have sex with is Dot Matrix from Spaceballs, voiced by Joan Rivers, a trailblazing comedienne whose work I greatly respect.

Other characters I’d have sex with: Princess Fiona from Shrek, but only in ogre form, because I value inner beauty over outer beauty; the Librarian Ghost from Ghostbusters, assuming the physical contact we could make would be largely unpleasant; finally, Gaia from Captain Planet, who – according to Amanda – would be like having sex with a faint breeze. You know what, I’ll take it! On a related subject, do they make Captain Planet cockrings?

Some women do not want to read the phrase “Captain Planet cockrings” on a computer monitor.

Our culturally significant world changing discussion on cartoons we’d eff continues next week! BE THERE!

Geekscape Visits Xena Con 17: The Not So Final Journey

by Molly Mahan

After fifteen years of wishing, wanting, begging for parental support to go to Xena Con, I finally mustered up the courage to ask J-Lo if I could go for the sake of nerds everywhere. To be honest, I didn’t know how badly I wanted to go until a few hours after I sent my request, I received the answer of “yes” and I nearly started crying in the middle of my internship. No joke. Xena is my first and most beloved fandom, but more on that is another article.

XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS has been off the air for ten years now and it’s interesting to attend a convention for a seemingly all but dead fandom (seriously, how many of you are self-proclaimed Xenites?). Nevertheless, the convention center at the Burbank Airport Marriott was packed full when the chance arrived to see our personal Jesus—the one and only Lucy Lawless—accompanied by her (to extend the metaphor) John the Baptist—the lovely Renee O’Connor.  But that was Sunday, there were still 2 full days before that, filled with Q&A’s, fan-made music videos and oodles of bass and feedback coming from the mic.

What the Con lacked in production quality, however, it made up for with heart, much like the show itself. At times, I felt like I had crashed a family reunion—you could tell that those who ponied up the dough for the front row tickets did so every year since its inception. Even so, there were a lot of newcomers—like my self—this year, since it had been billed by Creation Entertainment as the last Xena Con, “The Final Journey.” We learned quickly, however, that due to fan response that it was probably not the case. We’ll learn soon enough as the year progresses. Unless they meant the apocalypse was going to happen in 2012, in which case, yes, that may very well be correct. But as these things go, so long as they’re making money, they’ll continue to happen. Like sequels. Or prequels.

Throughout the convention, fans heard from a myriad of people who had worked on Xena. From staple writer and co-producer Stephen L. Sears (who was around all weekend with his Cavalier, Julian the Warrior Puppy) to editors to actresses who literally appeared in a single episode, and each of them received a standing ovation.

War cries could be heard all weekend throughout the convention. From fans ululating their version of Xena’s infamous cry in the halls of the convention to Adrienne Wilkinson performing her Livia cry, something she had previously sworn off, when after three fans told her she did is wrong after she performed it at her first convention she ever attended.

I also got to experience Ted Raimi’s alter-ego “T-Money” do a little rap after half the room had left, believing his time was over.

In addition to war cries and alter-egos, a few actors performed bits in character, like Tim Omundson (the only actor, it seems, whose career has survive since Xena, as he now plays Detective Lassiter on Psych) and Claire Stansfield who reprised their roles as Eli and Alti for an “Inside the Actor’s Studio” riff that they called “Occupy Creation”, so-called because Creation did not invite them to the convention.

The highlight of the convention—aside from breathing the same air as the Warrior Princess herself—was without a doubt Michael Hurst’s drag turn as the Widow Twanky (a Hercules character). It was like watching Rocky Horror live only enjoyable. Bawdy jokes, corsets and puns galore, in addition to in-character stories. I can honestly say, without a doubt, that I prefer Hurst as a woman.

 

Other highlights included a guided meditation by Lao Ma herself (Jacqueline Kim), meaning I have officially had some of Xena’s training, and the almost surreal moment when a fan confused Tim Raimi for Ed Norton and complimented him on his work in Red Dragon.

I witnessed a dress worn by Hudson Leick (Callisto—Xena’s archenemy) sell for under $2000, but a bra worn by Brittney Powell (Brunehilda—a character that appeared in 3 or 4 episodes in season 6) sell for over $3200. All proceeds went to charities, of course, but neither was encrusted with diamonds or made of gold.

And, of course, what would a convention be without a few cosplayers? Although I missed the costume contest (babysitting pays in dollars, Geekscape in fun times), I still captured some great shots and gained inspiration for future conventions (trade-in my fishnets for a leather cuirass? We’ll see). Here are some of my favorites:

 

On Saturday, Katharine Fugate—writer of “When Fates Collide” (often viewed by fans as the true series finale)—performed a skit that gave Xena the ending many fans wanted: instead of losing her head, Xena accepts Gabrielle wedding proposal. The sketch was performed with help of actors and actresses like Beverly D’Angelo, David Franklin and Claudia Black as Xena, with Renee O’Connor playing Gabrielle.

Sunday gave us a tribute to the late, great actor who played Ares God of War (and of my prepubescent fangirl heart) Kevin Tod Smith. Videos from past conventions and concerts (he had such a wonderful voice!), with pictures and stories from each episode of Xena, Hercules and Young Hercules he appeared in. It was a bittersweet look back on a career that ended far too soon.

Michael Levine—director of several Xena episodes—gave a few great anecdotes about his time with the cast. Regaling us with the tale of how overtime is decided by vote in New Zealannd, and his feelings about the would-be Xena/Gabrielle kiss in “The Quest” (Xena’s spirit is in Autolycus’s body at the time). The kiss was in the script, he says, so he shot it purposefully in such a way as to avoid it.

But stories and awesome b-roll footage aside, there was only one reason we were there and that was for the main event: Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor in person!

Lots of pictures, lots of videos. Of Renee, anyway. My camera died shortly after Lucy came out—but not before I captured her war cry!

Renee was very sweet and heartfelt, telling tales about her family and her son who has been elected an ambassador of compassion at his school, part of an anti-bullying campaign. She thanked the fans for their continuous support of her career and allowing her to try out new things at the cons (throughout the weekend we watched her “5 Ways to …” videos. Super low quality and ridiculous but it’s ROC, so of course this crowd was going to lap it all up).

Lucy, on the other hand, was no nonsense and began the Q&A without anecdote. Although she cracked jokes, she was too aware of the ridiculous nature of it all. As if she could put the warrior princess behind her. When a fan asked how she felt about being called the anchor and leader on set, she dryly quipped, “I was getting it on with the producer, so his business was my business”—basically she knew what Rob Tapert knew and so, if he was too busy she of course knew the answer to most any question.

Begrudgingly, she gave her iconic war cry and after much coaxing ever stated her typically screamed catchphrase, “Kill ‘em all!” but she never slipped from her Kiwi accent.

Finally, she called ROC back to the stage and after urging from the audience, they read Katharine Fugate’s ending. I say “read” because Lucy mostly made side comments, not once establishing herself as Xena, although Renee was definitely Gabrielle. Lucy gave a crazed “Yessss!” to the proposal before spinning her around and dipping her into a kiss. The crowd went wild—at least the Xena/Gabirelle shippers, which was the majority of the fans in attendance.

Overall, the con was an experience. Although not as intimidating as San Diego Comic Con, it was still hard for me to adjust around a group of hardcore fans—even if I count among their numbers (based on the trivia game, I know I’m up in the ranks, as well). But I would never—or perhaps “could never”—pays hundreds of dollars for a picture with Lucy or an autograph from Renee, but I had just spent a weekend with 2300 people who were willing to do just that. It’s intense.

This convention also gave me the first time in my life where I have officially felt old. I’m 23. I was six when Xena and Hercules were on the air, and I have always been the youngest person in a room of fans or interested parties, but there were kids there 17 years of age and older—not even alive, let alone cognizant, of the show in ’95. It’s crazy, but cool. A new generation has been given the warrior princess!  I wonder what they’ll do with her … film reboot, anyone?

 

Heroine Addict: The Skinny on Heroines in Film and Television

by Molly Mahan

I have always been a fan of the action genre. When I was 6, I made my first attempt at script writing and wrote a five page Xena/Hercules skit for my friends and I to perform; later I dreamed someday I’d be Sarah Connor and would lead the fight when machines inevitably turned on us (Y2K was obviously a very exciting time for me, as I hoped I would finally fulfill my destiny). I am still aiming to do both of those things, in some capacity, but when I look around at Hollywood today I become forlorn and moderately depressed. Where are our Lucy Lawlesses and Linda Hamiltons of this generation? Nowhere, as far as I can see.

That’s not to say that female action films are dead. With box office successes like Salt and franchises such as Resident Evil, we are bound to see one female-led action-adventure movie every year or two. But are Angelina Jolie and Milla Jovovich really believable in their roles? With Linda Hamilton we had muscles. Legitimate muscles. That’s her doing the one-armed pull ups in Terminator 2. According to this article, Linda Hamilton could pump load a shot gun with one arm from her training and preparation before filming. That’s badass. Seeing Angelina Jolie do it in Wanted, left me expecting her arm to break off from the stress. Watching action movies where I’m afraid that the heroine is going to die of exhaustion (rather than enemy fire) isn’t exciting. It also makes it impossible to see past the actor to the character.

Even her arm needs to eat a sandwich…

Gerard Butler and company completed a ridiculous exercise routine to get their 8-pack abs for 300. Lena Headey, who played Queen Gorgo in the film, may not have been expected to be so fit as her male co-stars (though Spartan women were athletes themselves), but when she took on the shotgun to play Sarah Connor in The Sarah Connor Chronicles, why wasn’t she expected to also take on the muscles? At least Summer Glau could at least say she was a cyborg who just appeared frail to seem less intimidating to her foes (though why a Terminator would want to look nonthreatening is beyond me). Lena Headey playing the human Sarah Connor doesn’t have that luxory. Yes, there was dissonance from fans and critics regarding this contrast in physique that made national news. Yet, this incident is unique: the physique of the action heroine is scarcely ever mentioned, this incident aside. In all likelihood the uproar occurred simply because of her predecessor’s hardcore dedication to the role, and that’s a shame. All female action stars should be put under such scrutiny.  If you’re hired on as an actor to play a character, then it is your job to accurately portray that character on screen and it should be a priority of the director and producers to make sure you’re doing your job. If you’re an action heroine and you’re not pumping iron before principle filming begins, then you’re not doing your job and you shouldn’t get paid millions.

We don’t let men get away with this behavior. It’s a double standard and I find it most disturbing: why do men, when given roles as action heroes, must they hit the gym, devour protein and bulk up to look the part, but women are allowed to look like twigs? Seeing old-man Stallone packing an absurd amount of heat in The Expendables looked just as a genre acceptable and realistic as when he did it 40 years ago for Rambo. Yet, I found it more realistic watching 65 year old Helen Mirren work a Gatling gun in RED than 20-something Zoe Saldana holding a high powered rifle with both hands in Columbiana.

Could beat you in arm-wrestling… easily.

Why are we as audiences allowing this to happen? We won’t watch movies where Russell Crowe is old and fat trying to play a typically young and lithe hero (Robin Hood), yet we’ll watch Milla Jovovich slay zombies for years to come, not at all phased by the fact that her muscle tone has yet to increase.

Of course, to me, this is all a double-edged sword, because American film studios already seem to be against female leads in general, let alone in action in particular. If I stop paying to watch thin, un-toned women fight, will they view it as “oh, we need to beef these women up!” or see it as, “Clearly audiences hate female action stars!” Being the pessimist that I am, it’s probably the latter, and that’s heart shattering to a girl who grew up wanting to fight the good fight and kill half a dozen aliens and terminators while she was at it.

So, I’m writing this. Not just to vent or see if other people see the same way I do or to start a flame war or whatever it is that might happen with an opinion piece that gets posted on a website these days. It’s, in the off chance that this gets out there, that the studios know I exist and there’s something that I want.

Xena: The Female Action Gold Standard… who also wears gold.

I am your audience when it comes to action flicks and I am a woman who actively goes and see action movies. On opening night. I am that demographic, which you say doesn’t exist, but I exist and I am not alone. So if you’re trying to “tap into me”, and if you’re wondering why you don’t always get me into those seats on opening weekends, or why I’m waiting until the Blu-Ray release or for Netflix to stream it, it’s because you’re giving me a product I don’t want. You’re giving me women who are impossible for me to find cool or badass. If I can’t believe your star can throw a punch that will bruise a peach, do you think I’ll believe her when she’s holding two 20lb guns in each hand and firing willy-nilly without feeling any kind of kickback? Not a chance. You have to get me to see the reality first, then you can try to give me the fantasy.