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Rachel Kimsey is a regular person, just like us. Except, that she’s standing toe to toe with giants in one of the biggest throwdowns ever in the entertainment industry. 2015 was a huge year for the business of entertainment. Records were pushed past their breaking points—only to be shattered again within months.

First to break a global record was Jurassic World with the title of biggest opening weekend ever for a film, only to be fully supplanted in December by Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Thing is, while these movies were setting all-time records for film, neither of them were able to pass what was being called “the biggest [global] entertainment release of 2015,” Call of Duty: Black Ops III—who held that title, taking in over $550 million in just 72 hours, until being dethroned by the juggernaut release of Fallout 4, which pulled in over $750 million in a mere 24 hours. It’s a bare-knuckle drag-out showdown for the business suits in entertainment these days.

All that, within months of each previous release this year; an exciting time indeed. In this clash of entertainment titans, there’s only one person standing in the center of it all—shoulder to shoulder with the Chris Pratts, Bryce Dallas Howards, Jeff Goldblums, Ron Perlmans, Lynda Carters, Daisy Ridleys and Harrison Fords—whose performance makes you question the nature of reality to such a degree that she practically shares the same name with her character.

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Of course I’m talking about Rachel Kimsey’s Rachel Kane in Call of Duty: Black Ops III. “She was always named Rachel Kane from the beginning,” Kimsey humbly admits. (Although, after a little poking around, I heard rumors that some time may have been taken before settling on the name—and when Kane was decided on, it may have originally been spelled differently, with a C—just sayin’.) Like Hollywood releases, maybe even more so, the success of a video game such as this is the result of a large team of contributors. However, there’s no denying that Rachel Kimsey’s portrayal of CIA Agent Rachel Kane is one of the more vital elements to the success of the immersive experience this game provides.

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Black Ops III, builds off of elements of Black Ops II but also stands on its own. Rachel Kane makes her first appearance [in Black Ops III] and I’m all over it.” Although Kimsey didn’t appear in that previous one either, this isn’t the first time she’s answered the. . . call of duty. “Well, this is the first time you’re seeing me in Call of Duty. I worked on Call of Duty: Ghosts with Infinity Ward; I worked on the DLCs doing a lot of really fun voice work.” Which wasn’t her first digital rodeo either. “I’m pretty sure my face and body scans from the Spider-Man 2 film actually ended up getting used in the Spider-Man 3 video game, for which I also provided voice work but it was for another character, Betty Brant—I think my face and body were paired with somebody else’s voice. So this is the first time my face and my voice have been matched together in a game—and, of course, being a principal member of the campaign it’s. . . I mean, it’s just the most exciting thing I’ve ever done. It’s so much fun.”

RachelKimsey_MotionCapture01_480x640Her entire performance is motion captured and paired with 3D model scans of her body, her voiceover is delivered through her tracked and recorded facial expressions so that every aspect of the CIA agent in the game is Kimsey. She performs Rachel Kane perfectly in the she-is-totally-on-our-side-right? storyline, providing a deeper level of realism that has players questioning their allegiances. “I have a lot of fancy contracts saying that I can neither confirm nor deny any of these plot conjectures. I can say, listen to all my advice in the game because I give really good advice. I’m on your side, people.” Really?—so it’s a bad idea to cross Agent Kane? “It’s just a foolish choice—you should be looking out for yourself better than that.” So the CIA helps those who help themselves? “It’s simple—you can win or you can ignore my advice.” She smirks. Dang it!

Rachel Kimsey’s just like us, except that she’s cooler. As the day approached for our scheduled interview I had some plans on where we might sit quietly and talk—maybe something covered in ivy with tea and VIP areas. Hollywood types are fancy, right? She had some plans of her own, requesting that we meet up in a quirky comic book shop in Studio City. She’s beaten me there so that when I walk in the door—knocking the bell above it—she pops up from behind a rack and peers at me over her already impressive armful of comics. “I’m working on a couple of projects that I cannot wait until my non-disclosure agreement gives me permission to disclose,” she gasps desperately through grinding teeth, “because they’re really really exciting.” The tortured declaration has left her nearly breathless but she soldiers on, “I really do think they’ll be just as exciting for the audience as they are for me.” She presses her lips together in an effort to stop before she says something she shouldn’t—and then blurts out, “So much fun!” The eavesdropping comic book guy behind the counter looks disappointed—he’s already recognised her from her time playing “Michelle,” a disguise of Candice Wilmer, on Heroes and wants the scoop on what’s next for Kimsey.

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To contrast or provide better perspective for the unspeakable excitement just around the corner she offers a little history in her own creative development. “There was a time I used to feel really jealous of other kinds of artists. I know it’s really hard to make a living as a dancer but at least you can always dance. Maybe no one’s ever going to buy your paintings but if you’re a painter, you can always paint. Maybe nobody buys your book but you can always write. But I’m an actor and you can’t act in a vacuum—you can’t act by yourself—you have to have an audience to be an actor because acting is all about connection. I used that thinking as an excuse to let myself off the hook for not showing up for myself—not being in my own creativity—because, the truth is, there’s a whole lot more than saying words in front of an audience that makes you an actor. I can be in class, I can be reading screenplays, I can be writing down ideas, I can be producing a web series or short film—even make my own movies nobody ever sees and edit them with free software that came on my phone; with a camera and lens that’s better than the cameras that I bought back in the day because I was going to make things. I realized it was just an excuse, it was an excuse to let me off the hook because I was sad I wasn’t making anything and I didn’t have the guts to step up and fix it. Redefining it makes everything feel different—you gotta be a maker. You can be a maker no matter what income is paying your bills; your income doesn’t have to define you. You can start small; just start. Define yourself, make stuff, make things—be a maker. It’s awesome. You don’t have to be ‘cooler’ than you are, just do what you do.”

Anywhere in Studio City, as the name implies, is a stone’s throw from many of the major studios Hollywood is famous for. The actress’ natural habitat for “doing what she does.” In fact, one memorable time I had the opportunity to talk with her about her work, she was just such a rock toss away from where we now stood. Across the cement shores of the “Los Angeles River”—(yes, that’s the actual name of the large cement drainage ditch that’s usually no more than a dainty creek) on the other side of the very same street, in a Universal backlot—she was being ripped out of a train by Doctor Octopus in the film Spider-Man 2.

You see, Rachel Kimsey is just like us, except that she’s tougher. With her comic book collection now properly augmented it’s finally time for us to move on to a quiet coffee shop where we can sit and. . . “There’s a Mexican place down the street I’ve been meaning to try. I hear they have fires in the patio area and a salsa that’ll Ark-of-the-Covenant your face off,” she offers. I’m actually surprised she doesn’t punctuate the pitch by pulling out Dr. Jones’ bullwhip and giving it a good crack. The exciting stories continue even as we navigate down Ventura Boulevard.

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Building an unshakable performance foundation with years of studying Shakespeare, she went on to train in stage combat, then elaborate stunt choreography and eventually martial arts. Her ever developing skills led to an extended stint working in Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Stunt Show at LeoFoo Village in Taiwan where she would brawl cowboys, get shot “dead” and tumble off of buildings for eight shows a day, six days a week, delighting excited audiences. After all that, facing off against ghosts, ghouls and “Old Man Jenkins!” as Daphne in the Broadway touring company’s production of Scooby Doo Live! in Stagefright across the US (with dates in Las Vegas and, what is now, the Dolby Theatre in LA) was a walk in the park. Naturally, she was the easy choice for casting directors in search of a special someone to face off against Doc Ock.

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Her dedication to physical performance paid off a few years later when—after a motorcycle accident required a series of surgeries over several years to rebuild the bone in her leg—she would rely on that strength to fuel her recovery. Again, not content to merely complete her own physical therapy, she became fascinated with body mechanics and went on to study even further; picking up certifications along the way and even offering specialized training to those who were interested in what she was learning. As she began to refocus on acting again, she would find that her time spent studying therapies and teaching physical training would pay off once more—in an unexpected way.

“When I was working on [Call of Duty:] Ghosts, I would get into the booth and the director would say, ‘Okay, so here’s the situation; you’re the only woman on the field, the field’s full of men. There’s lots of ambient noise, it’s really loud and distracting—things are banging and exploding, noise all over the place—and you need to get the attention of this small group of men about twenty to thirty feet away from you. Go!’ Oh!—it’s just like teaching Crossfit every day! Music’s too loud, everyone’s doing this really intense thing, I have to make sure they can hear me really clearly through the noise about thirty feet away. . . Got it! So it turns out, years of teaching taught me the skills to support my voice and make a sound that could cut through noise—‘cause just getting louder didn’t work without shredding your throat. Turns out that’s exactly the sound you need to be a soldier on the battlefield in a video game.”

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Now, what about the new character in the new game? “Who is Rachel Kane? First, for there to be a game, somebody has to give you the operation. Who gives those operations?—the CIA. Well, I’m CIA Agent Rachel Kane, so come along with me—like I said, I’ve got some real good advice on how to survive.” There must be more to her than that, right? “The part was really well written and there was a lot of thought and a lot of care that went into the story. I was told early on that, ‘You’re not a damsel in distress; you’re going to hold your own on the battlefield and it’s going to be really clear that you belong there and have every right to be there right from the beginning.’ So before I’d seen any pages or knew what we would be up to, I started thinking about my character like, ‘I am capable, strong, prepared and active on behalf of myself and my team members. I can rise to any occasion.’ Keeping that in mind helped me shape the core and motivation for the character.”

Director Adam Rosas, Ben Browder (Player), Rachel Kimsey (Rachel Kane), Noshir Dalal (Khalil), Sean Douglas (Hendricks)
Director Adam Rosas, Ben Browder (Player), Rachel Kimsey (Rachel Kane), Noshir Dalal (Khalil), Sean Douglas (Hendricks)

Arriving at the Mexican restaurant, the host offers us a table inside since it’s chilly out but she squints at him to better judge the situation. “Do you have anything outside?—by the fire?” He glances my way and I joke that we’re not afraid to heat things up. “You know what else heats things up?” she adds. “Face melting salsa. Let’s do this!”

Rachel Kimsey is just like us, except that she’s way better looking. Our exuberantly awkward joky-finger-gun waiter’s attempts to “casually” uncover her relationship status are a natural and common testament to her allure. Comparing the end result Agent Kane character—built from precise scans, image captures and photo reference texture-mapping that the designers made of her—next to Rachel Kimsey in the flesh, you’ll notice that they decided to subtly tone down her natural beauty. Were they trying to keep players, like our waiter, from getting distracted? Did they want her looking a bit more rough and tumble; worn around the edges? Or is it simply that it’s not yet possible to technologically capture all of her appeal in a digital bottle?

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Maybe it’s something that only her fans will take issue with because it seems to be a non-issue for her. “I just noticed that—I think—they adjusted my eye color or something,” she mutters, taking a moment to consider the question. Yes, that’s one of the adjustments. I suppose an argument could be made that the digital scanners aren’t yet able to pick up her additional glow of inner beauty that shines through all the more when she drops wisdom on you like this—

Our salsas arrive—with chips, tacos and other delights to test them on—but she’s still reflecting on a point she wants to make, gazing into the flames near our table. “I can’t even tell you how many friends of mine have the story of, ‘I went through a terrible breakup and my life was falling apart and I got this audition that they tell me I nailed—because I got the job. I never would’ve gotten the job if my life wasn’t falling apart at the time because I didn’t have a filter and everything just came pouring out of me.’ Well, if you’re not in the practice of letting everything pour out of you because life is hard—because we’re sensitive artists and the world pokes at all of our soft and tender places—if you’re not in the practice of saying, ‘yes, and. . . I will show you anyway,’ then when that opportunity comes, are you going to be able to step up in that moment? Maybe not—so be in that practice.” It’s a good reminder not just for performers but for everyone who’s passionate about whatever it is they’re doing.

“It shouldn’t just be people who go through terrible breakups and whose lives are falling apart that land those good jobs! It should be people who are happy too! Everybody should be able to be able to find that place. People at rock bottom feel like they have nothing to lose and they become fearlessly raw. That level of honesty is uncommon and very attractive no matter where you are or what you do. You absolutely can do that without going through trauma, you absolutely can choose to keep the walls down—but it has to be a choice. Choosing to focus less on worrying about what you have and instead focusing on genuinely experiencing what’s currently happening can yield some amazing results. When everything is going well, you have to be willing to risk it all by letting those genuine elements come out and connect with others. If that’s not what [the casting director is] looking for, that’s okay too—you move on to the next thing. It’s going to be perfect for something.”

Truly beautiful.

She’s got me so captivated, I hardly notice that I’ve already polished off four salsa laiden tacos—face happily intact—and it’s time to wrap things up. She’s agreed to teach some private sessions in the morning and wants to be well rested. As she speeds off, vanishing into the twinkling lights of tinseltown, I can’t help but feel excited about the mysterious undisclosed projects she has lined up next—her final hint still ringing in my ears when I had pressed her for more, “I think that you and Geekscape readers in particular are really going to love it.”

The thing is, Rachel Kimsey is just like us AND she’s found herself smack-dab in the middle of a record breaking entertainment revolution worth billions and billions of dollars by doing things genuinely her own way. And that is what sets her apart. Ignore her good advice at your own peril, indeed.

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SPOILERS:

Here then are collected shots of Rachel Kimsey’s performance in cut-scenes from the game (obviously, this will be all SPOILERS for anyone who hasn’t played through yet).

When i was a younger I would watch enough Television to rival Mike T.V. Among those shows thay i watched was every iteration of Scooby Doo from a Pup named Scooby Doo to the underated 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo. So i was delighted to see that LEGO was adding the property to its open world game ‘LEGO Dimensions’

One of the cool things that I noticed in the gameplay video was the integration of the LEGO and cell shaded visuals of the original series. Also, unlike the other games you interchange all characters and vehicles into the different worlds. In the video I saw the Mystery Machine strolling through the Simpsons house.

The more I see from ‘LEGO Dimensions’ the more im fighting the urge to go and preorder one of the starter sets and snatch up all those cool mini figures.

‘Lego Dimensions’ starts building September 27 on PlayStation 3, PlayStation 4, Windows PC, Xbox 360 and Xbox One.

Christopher Lloyd is back as Doc Brown for LEGO venture into cross worlds video gaming with ‘LEGO Dimensions’.

In ‘LEGO Dimensions’ your favorite characters from DC Comics, The Simpsons, The Lord of the Rings, The LEGO Movie, Back to the Future, The Wizard of Oz, Scooby Doo, Jurassic World, Ghostbusters and Doctor Who are coming together to be part of an all new immersive adventure. The last time we got this many properties together for a crossover adventure was with ‘Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue’.

LEGO enters the “toys-to-life” gaming market with the vast properties they have acquired through its regular LEGO line. I personally tried Disney Infinity 1.0. Wasn’t too much of fan of its game play mechanics and limitations. However, LEGO seems to have made numerous improvements so I may have to sneak this on to my daughter’s Christmas wishlist to give it a go.

‘Lego Dimensions’ starts building September 27 on PlayStation 3, PlayStation 4, Windows PC, Xbox 360 and Xbox One.

It’s no secret at this point that Lego Dimensions is bringing over a dozen different universes into one huge game, ranging from Scooby Doo to Doctor Who. But how exactly do these characters come together? If this question has been keeping you up at night, WB Games has released a new trailer detailing the story of the game.

Primarily featuring the characters included with the Starter Pack, Batman, Gandalf and Wyldstyle become caught up in a plot from an evil being who’s attempting to merge their worlds together. If you needed a sample of just how much we can expect from Lego’s Toys To Life game, the trailer includes appearances from Robin, Bane, Frodo, The Wizard Of Oz‘s Emerald City, Superman, Metropolis, Scooby Doo and so much more. Check it out below!

What do you think? Is seeing all these characters coming together as surreal to you as it is to us? And who else did you spot that we might have missed? Tell us in the comments, and make sure to check back for more Lego Dimensions news as we get closer to its Septebmer 29th release date.

Between Skylanders, Disney Infinity and Amiibo, all three formats have made a killing through selling their versions of game compatible toys, with the latter creating a full blown Amiibogeddon. Considering the wild success of these Toys To Life franchises, it was only a matter of time before the Lego brand decided to take their own crack at the genre.

Lego Dimensions Screen 3

Longtime Lego game developer Traveler’s Tales hopes to bring their platforming prowess and trademark charm to Lego Dimensions, a title that brings numerous worlds together to create one huge collectable gaming experience. Including series’ such as the DC Universe, The Lord Of The Rings, The Simpsons, Back To The Future, Portal, (as in Valve’s Portal,) and so many more, will we have room on our shelves, (and enough money in the bank,) to open up to a fourth collection? We were invited to get some hands on time with the game at San Diego Comic Con to find out if its worth it.

The demo was a strange mash up of characters that we would never have imagined would share a game together. Try to picture this; Gandalf, Scooby Doo, Batman, the 13th Doctor from Doctor Who, Portal protagonist, Chell, and The Lego Movie‘s Wyldstyle, (with a cameo from Homer Simpson), running through one of GLaDOS’ test chambers, complete with her taunts through the PA system and adorable turrets who look to rip you to shreds. Yet, in the world that Lego Dimensions has established, it makes perfect sense. What was especially noticeable about having so many characters on screen at once was the fact that unlike other games in the genre that typically restrict you to two characters at a time, you can bring in as many characters and vehicles as you can fit on the portal.

Lego Dimensions Banner

On the subject of the portal itself, this base is divided into three sections. The back section is where the world is placed, which much like Infinity‘s Play Sets, is a piece that unlocks the single player world that players will traverse through. Characters and vehicles littered the left and right side in front of it, but this set up wasn’t just for show. Some puzzles required the characters to grow bigger or smaller depending on the situation, which was achieved through moving each Lego person onto the respective side that was assigned the proper power. Using the base as part of the game play is an interesting idea, one that brings a level of interactivity to the game that its competing titles lack.

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Yet, despite these unique features, the core game play is exactly what we’ve come to expect from a Travelers Tales Lego game. The platforming, movement, stage progression and even combat felt almost exactly like any one of the many Lego titles that have hit the market over the last ten years. So if you pick this up, expect to fill a stud meter, destroy objects in the environment to rebuild them into new items and solve character specific puzzles. The advantage that Lego Dimensions has however, is that unlike the standalone games that typically have a half a dozen character types that have unique puzzle solving abilities, this one has the potential to offer many more than than. Chell for example, is the only character that can use the Portal Gun, which was necessary to transport the team from one spot to another at times.

Lego Dimensions Screen 1

With so many characters already announced, I can only imagine what kind of possibilities they might bring to the game. Then again, more characters means more money to spend, so we hope you have that cash ready! At the very least, each game piece doubles as a real Lego set, so once you finish the game, the fun can continue by making new objects with the pieces provided and integrate them with the rest of your real sets. Or you can just display them, if you’re more like the Will Ferrell type. Either way, gamers and collectors alike will want to keep their eyes peeled and their imaginations open when Lego Dimensions launches on September 29th, with the starter set bundled with Batman, Gandalf, Wyldstyle and the Batmobile priced at $99.99.

Scooby-Doo and the gang are returning in an all-new movie animated movie that will take place in the world of professional wrestling. Yes, you can expect all your favorite WWE wrestlers to make cartoonish cameos. No, I don’t know which one will secretly by Mr. Johnson in a mask.

WWE Studio’s press release:

Warner Bros. and WWE Studios (NYSE:WWE) announced they will co-produce a Scooby-Doo animated feature that will find Scooby and the gang solving a mystery at WrestleMania®.The announcement was made today by Jeff Brown, Executive Vice President and General Manager, TV, Family & Animation, Warner Home Video and Michael Luisi, President, WWE Studios.

WWE Superstars and Divas including Triple H®, John Cena®, Kane, The Miz®, Brodus Clay™, Santino Marella®, Sin Cara™ and AJ™ will appear in animated form and lend their voices to the project. WWE Chairman and CEO Vince McMahon® will also lend his voice and appear in animated form.

The Warner Bros. Animation movie will be made available on Blu-ray, DVD, VOD, and digital download.

Source: WWE/Indiewire

In 2002 (aka 10 years ago) the movie opened #1 in the box office despite negative reviews. It’s success indirectly lead to a sequel as well as other kids movies based on old cartoons (Josie and the Pussycats came out first but it was far from a box office smash). So is Scooby-Doo really that terrible?

No. It’s not. I mean it’s not good. But it’s far from awful. What I see this movie I can see two movies battling to be the superior. James Gunn has been very open about the fact that his script was definitely a PG-13 adaptation (like The Brady Bunch and Josie and the Pussycats before it) contains such elements as Shaggy being a stoner as well as Velma and Daphne being secretly lesbians (and by very open I mean I think I heard him say that on Doug Loves Movies once) and then there’s the PG movie that Warner Bros wanted. This was confirmed by Sarah Michelle Gellar who reported that after all the cast signed on the script was made more family friendly.

There are definitely elements in the film that got to stay in the final product. One of my favorites being a joke in which upon Shaggy’s meeting of a girl name Mary Jane replies “That is like my favorite name ever” as well as his introduction being him grilling to the song “Pass the Dutchie” by Musical Youth. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The movie opens on the infamous mystery solving team (Mystery Inc)’s final mystery. After solving the case of the Luna ghost the group of extremely old meddling kids break up over various egos (specifically Fred, Daphne and Velma). Shaggy and Scooby remain optimistic that they will reunite again. And they do… 2 years later when they’re all summoned to solve the mystery of Spooky Island.

Park owner Erine Mondavarious (Rowan Atkinson) informs the group of his theory that an evil curse is being placed on his guests. The wild partying college kids leave sober and super aggressive.

While trying to solve the mystery old wounds are reopened. Velma still feels pushed aside for being dorky and less attractive than Daphne. Her obviously crush on Fred gets in the way of her crime solving and Fred is as womanizing always.

The gang eventually overcomes their differences and solves the mystery. Mondavarious isn’t Mondavrious at all but infact Scrappy Doo in disguise. Scrappy has invited the gang there to get revenge for them abandoning him (ironically due to HIS ego).

This was James Gunn’s third script having previously written the Specials and Troma’s Tromeo & Juliet (which Gunn claims in Lloyd Kaufman’s book Make Your Own Damn Movie is the film that got him Scooby-Doo). Gunn is a true horror fan (as evident in his scripts Dawn of the Dead and Slither) and while I don’t know if he had much influence on the casting of the film, I’d like to believe it was his choice to give Miguel A Nunez Jr (Return of the Living Dead, Friday the 13th Part V) a small role.

Regardless of who did the casting they should be rewarded. Every actor is perfectly cast (specifically Matthew Lillard who doesn’t get enough praise for his perfect performance of Shaggy). They also managed to make the ordinarily gorgeous Linda Cardellini a believably dorky and overlooked Velma.

It’s the elements of the PG-13 script this movie almost was (a few of the scenes found in the deleted scenes of the DVD) that make this movie worth watching. The film could have been hilarious. I’ve mentioned it a few times already but since Josie and the Pussycats has been covered previously in this column I’ll say that ideally that’s what this movie could have been.

A few of the elements added to make it more kid friendly make me chuckle (specifically Shaggy and Scooby’s farting contest… juvenile yes but I love a good fart joke). However in the long run the kid friendly aspects lack the same charm and entertainment level as what Gunn was clearly intending to do.

My other complaint has to do with the special effects. This was the same year as Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and while they obviously didn’t have the same $94 Million Dollar Budget Jackson had, I wish Scooby, Scrappy and the other monsters had the texture of Gollum and little less the cartoony look of Jar Jar Binks.

All in All the final product isn’t terrible. It’s just a mediocre movie that you can tell could have been much better. The sequel Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed received a five word review from Leonard Maltin who simply said “It is what it is”. Just a fun fact to leave you on.

It’s part 2 of the most important discussion known to mankind!

Everyone has a fictional character they’d bang, whether it’s someone from a movie, a comic, or a car insurance company. So the Geekscape staff put together their top 5 lists, High Fidelity style. 

Joe Starr

Black Widow: Specifically the Iron Man 2/Avengers Black Widow. “Is that dirty enough for you?” COME ON. I actually wasn’t on the ScarJo train until Iron Man 2, and by the time the Avengers credits were rolling I was riding the train like a DJ from the Quad Cities.  Note to self: Do more things like a Quad City DJ. She’s hot, she’s tough. Plus, she’s written by Joss Whedon so you know we will have clever banter. OH the banter we will have.

Arcee from Transformers Prime: This one isn’t about sex. I mean, that happens, but I’m pretty sure that this is the first female character that I’ve found myself admiring and investing in in years. I mean, she’s amazingly strong and independent, a tough but warm woman you can’t help but respect. She’s a breath of fresh air from fake stupid pixie dream girls like The New Girl in the same way that Thor and Captain America were a nice break from ‘guys that want to focus on their photography’ for ladies. It’s not my fault she’s a robot that turns into a motorcycle that I’d have sex with.

Margaery Tyrell: Tyrell is unnervingly beautiful. She’s a subtle player in the Game of Thrones making smart moves. After all, remember what Training Day Denzel said: This is chess, it ain’t checkaz! Tyrell is a chess player. And sometimes she shows her boobs sometimes.

Emma Stone: Ok, look. Emma Stone isn’t real. She can’t be. She’s got all of the hotness Lohan had going for herself circa Mean Girls and none of the coke and coke and coke and coke. Also, she seems pretty rad. Way too rad to be real. It’s like life’s writers felt bad about Lohan and gave the world a do over. I want them to fight. It would be fucking epic. I’m pretty sure Lindsay would work as an alt dimension evil Emma, because she’s starting to get a bit of a goatee.

Kaylee Frye: Look, if we’re gonna go Pixie Dream Girl let’s at least go with one that can fix a starship with a roll of duct tape and sheer will. This chick would roll her eyes at Zooey Deschanel and then hit her with a wrench. And then have sex with me fingers crossed?

Allison McKnight

David Xanatos from Gargoyles:  Look, I’m just going to lay it all out there.  He’s hot.  Look at that stylish ponytail, that jawline and those shoulders.  And not only is he infinitely bangable, he’s a mastermind, manipulating the world to suit his visions.  He moved an entire castle!  How many men can say that?

Caesar from Xena:  Molly may have her heart-on for Ares, but we all know where it’s actually at: Caesar, as played by Karl Urban.  Oof.  Can I get that a second time.  Oof.  That is one sexy hunk of sociopathic manflesh, right there.  He can chain me up, torture me, and take over the civilized world any day.

Gregory House: It’s House, for christsake.  This is the man who walks around, scowling, picking people’s brains apart like he was ripping open a wad of cotton candy.  Gooey, emotion-filled cotton candy.  Even with only one good leg, he’s probably a better lay than… well, I’m not going to name names.

Richard B. Riddick: Sure, he’s a bit of a deviation from my usual lust for Magnificent Bastards, but have you seen those pecs?  In all seriousness, that man is a sex ninja.  That’s right: a sex ninja.  I’m talking about going through positions that normally aren’t physically possibleand he’s all bestial-hind-brain driven– you can tell by his opening narrative that he’s not just a growler, he’s a biter.

Mitsuomi Takayanagi from Tenjho Tenge:  This is a bit of an obscure character for most and, man, is his hair odd.  But when you’re an intelligent piece of beefcake that is casually manipulating people into potential deadly scenarios so you can finally bang your angry ex-girlfriend into submission… mrowr.

Russell Sherman

Jessica Rabbit: Now this is the only female character that could make me choose to be straight.  She’s sexy, loves the nerdy type and is committed to her man, sure she likes to pay patty cake but who doesn’t?  This chick is all right in my books.

Dr. Emmett Brown: Inventor of the stylish time machine, the Tardis may have a pool but it’s not a DeLorean.  Who would want to spend their lifetime traveling through time with their lover?  Doc is the whole package, he’s a creator, smart, artistic (although not always to scale) and the man can dance.

Sam and Dean Winchester: Those two have earned sex from everyone on the planet, they prevented the Apocalypse, fought the devil (and won), and are actively trying to make the world a better place even though it keeps taking everyone they care about away.  We owe them this, gay straight doesn’t matter they have earned a spit roast with you in the middle.

Merlin: He’s frikin’ magic for crying out loud, this is a man that could make all of your dreams come true.  If you want to frak on a magic carpet ride he could make it happen.  You want to ride a unicorn down the wedding isle again he could make this happen.

Wallace Wells: The gossip man who owns all the cool things in Scott’s apartment.  He’s sarcastic, Canadian and gay so this makes him the one character on this list that I’d actually have a chance with not to mention if things work out we could actually get hitched and it’d be legal.  That man is good looking in both the comics and the movie and is not afraid to speak his mind.

Matt Blackwood

Aela the Huntress from Skyrim: Face tattoos, mismatched armor, lots of skin showing- she’s like a medieval Suicide Girl. Plus, she’ll kill a storm atronach with a rusty dagger if you ask her. Of course, there is that “wet dog” issue; is there a Valtrex for lycanthropy?

Blink from Exiles: She’s brave, clever, kind. And pink. All over. Also, you never have to worry about being late again; with her portal power, you can go wherever you want INSTANTANEOUSLY! You want to step out for Chinese in Beijing? Bring a Somalian family to the never-ending pasta bowl? Get a Facebook profile pic on the Moon? Blink can make it happen. And did I mention she’s pink?

Terry Griffith from Just One of the Guys: Terry is the best kind of girl- one with balls. As a budding investigative journalist, Terry fights against the rampant sexual discrimination she faces by going undercover in drag to write an expose. She’s tough and funny and smart and willing to fight for the disenfranchised. And if you’re one of the guys who saw the flashing scene in his formative years, I don’t have to tell you what a model of physical perfection she is.

Margrethe from Job: A Comedy of Justice: While God and the Devil play their sick games with our hero (randomly dropping him in alternate realities Sliders-style in this classic Heinlein twist), Margrethe is the only constant good. The Danish stewardess is kind, understanding, and sexy. And anyone who makes sandwiches that can LITERALLY be considered heaven is worth holding on to.

The Mother from How I Met Your Mother: Like JJ Abrams, I’m obsessed with a mystery box. In 7 seasons, we’ve never actually met the mother. It’s the most misleading title since BJ and the Bear. Will we ever actually see her or is she like the alien from Contact? Is the mother just a concept, an ineffable ideal? Well, if the pedigree of Ted’s past girlfriends (including Cobie Smulders, Jennifer Morrison, and Mandy Moore) is any indication, the unseen mother is going to be totally effable.

Brian Gilmore

(Editor’s note: NSFW…It’s Gilmore)

Ariel from The Little Mermaid: Now, you can only really either go kind of masogynist or extremely masogynist on this one. Because you either have a girl that has no other choice but to go with mouth sexies all day all the time or one that’s super hot and can’t talk. She’s really willing to go a long way for you, too with the whole abandoning her people and voice thing. And she’s always pretty much topless, which is awesome. Also she wouldn’t get fat from having kids with you since they’d probably just grow in egg sacs.

This just got weird. Moving on.

Daphne from Scooby Doo: Any girl that wears a vagina-length skirt to a swamp and yet bothers to wear a scarf is fine by me. She’s also an idiot, which is awesome for a 1-night stand… I mean, they’re all idiots on that show unless every crook in the Scoobyverse is good enough at make-up design to be a contestant on Face Off. Also she’ll think you’re awesome in bed, since all she’s used to banging is one of the most infamously closeted gay characters in classic cartoon history. I always kind of assumed he was so obviously fabulous that he dressed her. One day: “gurrrl, how you wearin that fabulous purple dress with no flair?! Here, borrow one of my scarves!” Not only are her insanely hot fashion choices the thing that made me realize that legs rule, but she has red hair, and as we already established, this matters.

Tinkerbell: NO. SHUT UP. HEAR ME OUT. So, I’m not going to try to make the age-old argument of “hell yeah, I’d make her look like a lobster dinner” that you’ve heard pretty much since before we walked upright as a species and consistently every night as a child. This isn’t why we’re here. We’re all better than that. It’s because it wouldn’t entail any actual kind of P-in-V, so it’d be a one of a kind experience. Let me explain. And I’m so sorry for this. She’d be buzzing about at maximum speed all over you and everything would just kind of feel like as if Fleshlights worked themselves hands-free while you sat comfortably in a vibrating chair. She’d be the Brookstone of fictional lovers. Also, awesome fashion choice once again. Strapless dress that goes up to the fallopes even when 90% of the time she’s flying? Awesome fashion choice.

Wait. We can pick people played by actual humans?

Inara from Firefly: The only downside to this is that she might be a little disappointed because it’d be like asking a surgeon to do surgery at home (I swear to God there’s a better analogy for that). But she’s trained to do this. It seriously has to rule. Also you’d be doing it in space, which is awesome. Although technically I guess you’re always in space. But after letting her show you why only rich white dudes can afford her, assuming she’d be hosting (and yes, these are all now Craiglist casual encounters in my head), you could go down to the cockpit and play dinosaurs with Wash, as long as this was a time in which we hadn’t watched how he soared yet.

The Nun That Kate Upton Plays in the New Three Stooges Movie: I just really want to have unprotected Catholic sex with Kate Upton.

Stephen Prescott

Joan Halloway from Mad Men: Va-va-va-voom!

Winifred Burkle from Angel: She is the definition of adorkable and she’s a genius to boot. Zooey Deschanel wishes she had an ounce of the awesome that Fred has.

River Song from Doctor Who: Super smart, omnisexual and psychopathic. Everything I look for in a woman.

Irene Adler from Sherlock: Sherlock’s equal in almost every way. Also any woman who considers getting naked “putting on her battle armor” is a woman I’d like to meet.

Rose Tyler from Doctor Who: I don’t think there will ever be a time where I don’t have a total crush on Rose. I could blather on forever about how clever she is and how gorgeous she is and how much fun it would be to travel through space and time with her. I feel as though I completely understand why the Doctor loved her so much.

Jonathan London

The Cuckoos: Choices 1-3 MADE in a Greg Land drawn mind sexing! And one of them is in profile because Greg Land couldn’t find anymore three quarter model shots to trace in the Sears catalogue!

Gambit: He’s just a shithead. A bangable shithead that smells like cigarettes and strip clubs.

A bunch of pugs dressed up as Elf Quest characters: Editor’s note: JK this exists at London’s house and is not fictional.

Justin Lamb

Zuul The Gatekeeper: Dana Barrett is a triple threat. She’s a culturally affluent Manhattanite who plays the cello. She enjoys aerobics but knows when to spoil herself with a bag of Stay-Puft marshmallows. And she’s the corporeal medium for a demigod worshiped by the Sumerians and Hittites in 6000 BC. Long story short, things could get frigthful, but I ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Our safety word could be proton pack. Are you the keymaster? Yes. Yes, I am.

Pris from Blade Runner: Basic. Pleasure. Model.

Mrs. Brisby from The Secret of NIMH: I feel for Mrs. B. She is a sweet widower who wears that Pixie cut really well. She sort of reminds me of Mrs. Dawes, the 40-something woman who used to live next to my parents. Mrs. Dawes would work in her garden in a swimsuit top and khaki Mom shorts but she would still look surprisingly hot. Who knows, one night after stealing some corn from Farmer Fitzgibbons, maybe I would be cutting through her yard and oops I sprain my ankle. Mrs. B takes me inside to help me ice it down but instead things heat up. And then we put that red hood over those old photos of Jonathan Brisby.

Erin the Esurance Girl: Fearless, smart and sexy – whether she was stopping giant death-ray wielding automatons or saving me up to 25% on my auto insurance, this secret agent always sent me Thunderballing. Esurance stopped using her after she did poorly in a survey of popular corporate mascots. Despite being decommissioned though, she still fires up my Burn Unit.

An adult version of Princess Ruto from Ocarina of Time: I spent so many hours on that fucking Water Temple…I earned this.