How I Met Your Mother

The Saint Mort Show Episode 112: Chelsea Christer

by SaintmortJanuary 9, 2015

This week I sat down with Chelsea Christer the brains behind the The Matches documentary. We talk about what the band means to her, the way she got started in filmmaking and her Dr. Who.

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You Can Stay In Denial With The Much Better ‘How I Met Your Mother’ Alternate Ending

by Eric FranciscoSeptember 7, 2014

Warning: Spoilers. Duh.

All How I Met Your Mother had to do was stick the landing. No matter how bad the show became in its last few years, all it had to do was write the perfect last five minutes and it would have all been worth it. To this day, I still struggle with the merit of the ending. Did Tracy really need to die? And did Ted have to end up with Robin again? No, because it was dumb and pointless. Yes, because life takes weird turns and you sometimes end up where you least expect — a lesson the show often taught.

To say the ending was polarizing is an understatement. More like riot-inducing and the pro-Bays & Thomas minority stayed underground until the whole thing blew over. Probably building a whole self-contained civilization where the rules of old withered into an ethereal memory. Probably. And when it was announced an alternate ending would be released in the upcoming DVD (not blu-ray?) release, it didn’t really calm anybody. In fact, everyone responded with a kind of collective shrug.

But now that ending has leaked and all How I Met Your Mother fans are rejoicing. Because this ending — no matter your opinion on the one chosen — is really good! It’s sweet and sentimental, just like the show always was, and it left enough to the imagination about how Ted and Tracy lived their lives together. And it has NO MENTION of any debilitating, unknown disease that rips her away from Ted forcing Ted to end up with god damn Robin again.

One day in the future when the show is a distant memory I will revisit the entire series with the ending and evaluate the show’s merit. But that’s not today. That’s not for me. You know who that’s for? Future Eric.

Note: The ending is posted in an alternate cut of the final episode below. All of the ending-only videos are being pulled, and this seems a little more stable. Skip to about the last six minutes if the ending’s all you’re interested in.

What’s On Tap: 10 Best Bars in Pop Culture

by inaudible_mumbleSeptember 2, 2013

Last week The World’s End hit theatres. I had high expectations for this movie, and though said expectations weren’t fully met, I wouldn’t say I disliked the film. I would simply say it’s an above average feature at best. Part of the problem I found in the movie is that besides the disco, all of the bars feel exactly the same. I fully understand that it was probably a conscious decision by the filmmaker to do this in order to convey the blandness of the blank’s inhabited world, but conveying blandness is just that, bland. I would have really liked to have seen at least one bar that made me perk up and say “I wish that place existed, because if it did I would so be there every night”, at which point someone in the theatre would probably tell me to shush or give me a stern look. This discovery got me thinking about exactly which pop-culture bars I wish really existed, so I decided to do what all writers do when they ask themselves a question: write a list about it.

Number 10 : The Badass Crater Bar (aka Moxxi’s bar in Borderlands 2)

This is the place you go to wet your whistle between vault hunts on Pandora. It has not one, but two slot machines. That alone should satisfy your desire to know why I put this on the list, right? Okay, maybe not so let me get more specific. Going to this bar is all about hanging out with blunt sadistic Moxxi. If this place really existed I would sure be more then happy to keep sliding dollars across the bar for hours just to hear what would come out of that Moxxis mouth.

Number 9 : Barrelhaven Tavern (Bone)

Barrelhaven is the small town in the valley that the Bone cousins find themselves in during the events of the comic book, Bone. My primary reason for wanting to attend this bar is how ridiculous this whole world is what with dragons, rat creatures and cow races. Plus, I think it would be fun to have a cup of ale and hear Phoncible P. Bone tell tales of dragons, or listen to Smiley Bone play a song on his one stringed lute (I’m pretty sure he could play at least two solid notes on that bad boy).

Number 8 : Korova Milk Bar (A Clockwork Orange)

If moving into a dystopian future means we get milk bars well then lets toast to the downfall of civilization. Sure, the milk is laced with drugs, but I feel as though I could easily get straight milk, hold the drugs (which is on most days how I prefer my milk). Other then the fact that they serve milk, they also have some of the most strangest tables and décor I have ever seen. I don’t think you really need the drugs in a place like this, because it is kind of already an acid trip fleshed out into real life.

Number 7 : The Leaky Cauldron (Harry Potter)

I could have probably put any Harry Potter bar here, but I decided on The Leaky Cauldron over the Three Broomsticks and Hog’s Head Inn. The problem with the other two is that I feel as though you’d have to deal with annoying wizard students most the year, and listening to them talk about how much they love magic can get pretty annoying over time. So I side with The Leaky Cauldron which since it is an Inn by a major location in this universe you have a more eclectic mix of witches and wizards you can meet there. Fair warning about The Leaky Cauldron though: eat the pea soup before it eats you (you had to have seen that coming).

Number 6 : The Candy Barrel (The Misadventures of Flapjack)

The Misadventures of Flapjack was a cartoon that lasted on Cartoon Network for three seasons between 2008 and 2010. I decided to include the Candy Barrel on this list strictly on account of the absurdity of its premise. The Candy Barrel is exactly what you would think it is, which is a candy bar. You enter through swinging salon doors, take a stool at the bar and order yourself a candy. A candy bar in itself is kind bizarre but The Misadventures of Flapjack took it a step further by introducing the fact that the main characters could buy one piece of candy for the price of one candy wrapper. So basically once you find one candy wrapper you will always get free candy since all candy is wrapped in more wrappers. I am a okay with that.

Number 5 : Chalmun’s Cantina (aka Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars)

This isn’t the place you want to go if you’re attempting to make new friends. So why go to Chalmun’s Cantina? Well apparently there is never a dull moment there. Think about it: in the ten minutes (tops) that we are shown the cantina, someone loses an arm, and a bounty hunter gets killed, and none of the patrons bat one eyelash. That leaves me to believe this place is insane with action all the time if the regulars are so unexplainably immune to such antics. Other then that, I also would really like to see Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes play and since they had to cancel their tour dates of the Deathstar and Alderaan due to destruction this is really the only place to see them.

Number 4 : Puzzles (How I Met Your Mother)

Most People would agree that Maclaren’s should be on this list, but for me its Puzzles all the way. You get the same exact environment as Maclaren’s except you swap out Carl as the bartender for Ted and Barney slinging drinks behind the bar. It’s a win win situation. Plus at Puzzles you are no longer constrained by the common annoying last call rule. At Puzzles, there is no last call.

Number 3 : Winchester (Shaun of The Dead)

If the zombie apocalypse breaks out, this is where I am heading. Sadly, if said events d0 happen I probably wont make due to the fact that it is on a completely different continent then me. So why Winchester? Well I always did enjoy the aesthetics of an English pub. The Winchester just seems like a good place to fort up in if the events of zombies ever did happen. It has beer and pig snacks to fill your belly after all the zombie battling. It has entertainment to pass the time in form of a pool table and a dart board. Its armed with a working decorative hanging shotgun which would come in handy. Most importantly what makes the Winchester great is that it has Queen on the Jukebox.

Number 2 : Flaming Moe’s (The Simpsons)

It’s the home of the drink the Flaming Moe/Flaming Homer. Flaming Moe’s was the name change given to Moe’s Tavern when, with the invention of the Flaming Moe, the bar became more of a Springfield nightlife hotspot. When business started to boom due to the demand of the new drink Moe’s got a little bit fancier what with new neon signs and all. Plus, going to Flaming Moe’s is a lot like going to Moe’s Tavern(which was originally on my list) except its more socially acceptable and Aerosmith plays there.

Number 1 : Snakehole Lounge (Parks and Recreation)

The Snakehole Lounge is as good as it gets in Pawnee. That is, until Tom Haverford finally gets around to opening his own club one day, in which he will either call Club-A-Dub-Dub or the Clubmarine. The Snakehole Lounge is reffered to as “Pawnees sickest nightclub”, which I imagine isn’t much in the way of a great feat to accomplish. Tom Haverford is the promotions director at the bar. Jean-Ralphio Saperstein is also an investor of the establishment. I like to believe that you could go to this bar on any given night of the week (except Sundays and Mondays due to the place being rented out for kids birthday parties and substance abuse meetings on those days) and run into eith Tom Haverford or Jean-Ralphio, which lets admit it is ninety seven percent of the appeal to this place. The other three percent is the ridiculous promotional parties they throw. They threw promotional parties for Tom inventing a new liquor called Snake Juice, and Dennis Feinstein launch party for his new fragrance. It’s very obvious that the Snakehole Lounge is on the up and up, and it’s only matter of time before it’s not just the cultural and social center of Pawnee but of the world in general. Plus, I heard drinking Snake Juice really gets the job done when it comes to getting completely inebriated which is generally the point of going to a bar in the first place.

Honorable Mentions:

Iceberg Lounge (Batman) – It’s all about the décor in this posh nightclub.

Joe’s Bar (Battlestar Galactica) – A great place to grab a drink, lite up a cigar and play some Triad.

Paddys Pub (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) – The place is a total dive but I wouldn’t mind sitting there listening to the gang come up with harebrained schemes.

The Bar in Tapper – Why? because I really want my server to sling my beer down to me, and also because some of the patrons of the establishment are aliens.

Disagree? Let us know all about your favourite pop-culture bar or tavern!

Geekscape Concert Review: A Fond Farewell – Tribute to Elliot Smith

by DJAJSantiniAugust 22, 2013

A Fond Farewell: A Tribute to Elliott Smith

Wednesday August 21, 2013

World Café Live, Philadelphia, PA

Here the setlist in AJ’s Latest Mix

“Some guy in the back said, ‘This is gonna be a depressing night,’” mused Lennon Cantwell of Burned Out Still Glowing from dead center on a desolate stage. “They’re gonna be playing a bunch of Elliott Smith songs… but we can relate to them. They make us happy.”

The night's first performer, Christian Bitter. — The night’s first performer, Christian Bitter.

This captured the dichotomy that is being a Smith fan. Personally, I found it weird to be in a room full of people listening to Elliott’s music. Normally, if I’m listening to “Needle in the Hay,” I’m alone, intoxicated and curled in a ball on my bathroom floor after my OCD has led me to overanalyze some aspect of a relationship to its inevitable doom. Or I’m listening to “Say Yes” or “Thirteen” the morning after the most unbelievable night with a young lady I just met, still pinching myself that something that amazing could have just happened to me. Either/Or… That’s how I envision listening to Elliott Smith.

Being that almost a decade has passed since Smith died of knife wounds to the chest, No Name tribute concerts have been held all over the country. Not to be outdone, Philadelphia rounded up some of its local artists and paid tribute to the singer/songwriter with proceeds benefitting Horizon House, a resource in the West Philadelphia community to adults with psychiatric or developmental disabilities, drug and alcohol addictions, and/or homelessness by providing a continuum of services and supports and community resource coordination. We were also encouraged to bring non-perishable food items to benefit Philabundance, a hunger relief organization in the Delaware Valley.

Hosted by Tri State Indie and Eric Shuman of WXPN in Philadelphia, the night began with Christian Bitto of September Call-Up tackling “Pitseleh” and “Angel in the Snow.” He sat, played acoustically and then thanked the crowd and walked off quickly. I assumed the rest of the night would progress similarly, which at this rate would make the evening last about an hour before I hopped the train out of the city and went home to start typing this here review. But I noticed a full drum set and many amps were already on stage. That’s when punky power-pop trio Lost Romance took the stage, plugged in and sped through “Speed Trials” and “Bled White.”

Next up, left-handed Angel Ocana took center stage with an acoustic almost as large as his suspender-wearing frame and skinny jeans covering hot dog legs. Clearly, he connected deeply with the songs he chose, because he stopped in the middle of “Rose Parade” – “I’m sorry… this is emotional for me right now…” His minimalist approach, which was even more stripped than original Elliott recordings, worked well, especially with his cover of Smith’s cover of Big Star’s “Thirteen” (you know, the song from the two-minute date sequence of “How I Met Your Mother”).

Dan Collins also played acoustic, but was joined by two friends on electric bass and wooden cajón. A little more talkative than previous acts, he felt comfortable breaking the ice with a stoically, mostly seated crowd by saying “I never got to see Elliott play… This may be as close as we’ll ever get,” after playing fan favorite “Angeles.” Touché, Dan. Touché. I also never got to see Smith live, which was my exact argument with a former radio colleague who, when asked if she was attending, quipped, “I thought about it but I think Elliott is too precious for me to hear a cover. Translation: I’m a snob.” I think she would’ve been impressed with Dan’s other tribute, “Clementine” off E.S.’s self-titled record.

Lennon Cantwell of Burned Out Still Glowing had quite a lot to say about his enthusiasm for our late friend in memoriam, bragging even of Elliott Smith tattoos. Since the night was, in fact, running quite ahead of schedule, Lennon took on three tracks with just his voice and an electric guitar: “A Fond Farewell,” “King’s Crossing” and “Happiness,” the latter of which he encouraged the crowd to sing along to an a capella rendering of the final chorus – What I used to be will pass away and then you’ll see/That all I want now is happiness for you and me

Electric quartet Our Griffins were the shocker of the evening. During a stage break, they sound checked with the opening chords of “Needle in the Hay,” so we knew it was coming. What we didn’t know was that after the first chorus, it was going to be blown out into a full-on angst rocker that not only redefined the song for me (I’ve heard it a bajillion times since seeing Wes Anderson’s “The Royal Tenenbaums”), but also would’ve made Smith proud. My only critique was that I couldn’t hear my favorite line at the end: I’m taking the cure so I can be quiet whenever I want/So leave me alone, you oughta be proud that I’m getting good marks

But, I don’t know if that was the singer’s intonation or a sound guy issue or where I was sitting, so I’ll choose to blame no one and just commend them on a well-interpreted reworking of that and their other choice, “Roman Candle.”

Our benevolent host joked that the next performer, Matt Chylak, who is a research assistant at WXPN, could he heard serenading the office with many a Smith song and his performance proved it on his rendition of “Twilight.” Like many people of a certain generation, he got into Elliott through the Matt Damon-Ben Affleck Oscar winner “Good Will Hunting,” and much else of what he said was muffled, because at this point some half-inebriated ass hats at the other end of the bar decided this would be the perfect time to loudly discuss leasing options, insurance deposits and their wives being “so full of shit.” Which is a great loud conversation to have at a tribute concert for an artist known to be much more pianissimo than fortissimo. After discussing the addiction angle behind “Between the Bars,” he launched into it like an N.A. member remembering less-sober times. Truly stirring.

Finally, after a quick stage break, Jonah Delso discussed stealing his sister’s CDs and discovering the “Thumbsucker” soundtrack, which contained Elliott’s cover of Cat Steven’s “Trouble,” which he performed solo acoustic. Then he was joined by Philly indie rock quintet Goodnight Lights for the finale, a B-side off the Baby Britain single, “Some Song,” which is about struggling with addiction as well.

All in all, as skeptical as I could have been, or as critical as some might have been (anal retentive bastard I am, I was really disappointed at the lack of sliding noise this night… you know that screeching noise your fingers make on guitar strings when you slide up or down the neck that are so prevalent on Elliott Smith tunes? Yeah, they weren’t there…) , this was a night to celebrate the works, impact and mental scarring that Elliott Smith has left on his fans. He may bring joy to some, sadness to others, both to many… Either/Or it was a fond farewell to a friend.

Interesting post-script to that story:

As I was walking to the train station, which is only about two city blocks from the venue, I saw my train was running late, so I stepped outside to have a smoke. I was approached by a young man who asked for a cigarette. He, like most people who can strike up a conversation at the same time as their match, proceeded to regale me with his story. He had just been kicked out of rehab up in Shippensburg because the security camera caught him in a girl’s room. I told him not to worry, that there were plenty of rehab facilities in the area, even one close to where I was heading. His parents were furious, he was probably going to have to sell his new sneakers to pay for a room. He was a recovering heroin addict on his way back to (you guessed it…) Baltimore. It struck me as odd that I was meeting up with a junkie on the mend after literally just listening to the lyrics:

It’s a junky dream makes you so uptight/Yeah, it’s Halloween tonight and every night/Hear you scratch your skin/Your sandpaper throat/You’re a symphony, man, with one fucking note

After trying to relate my own struggles with alcohol (“the only other substance with a withdrawal as fatal as heroin,” I said), I gave him another cigarette, wished him the best of luck, and urged him not to give up on his rehab.

You better call your mom, she’s out looking for you/In the jail and the army and the hospital too/But those people there couldn’t do anything for you/Help me kill my time/Because I’ll never be fine

If you need somewhere to start or a refresher course on Elliott Smith, check out this collection and if you’ve been to one of the other No Name concert tributes across the country this summer, share your own experiences below.

A.J. Santini has been an audiophile since pre-natal care. Having 15+ years DJ experience, a brief stint in terrestrial radio and an extensively diverse collection of books, vinyl, cassettes, VHSs CDs, DVDs and MP3s (plus one Led Zeppelin 8-track) qualifies him to rant nonsensically and wax poetically about popular culture. He also hosts QUIZZO trivia nights to feel superior to the masses of the population. Check out some of his DJ mixes.

Geekscape Roundtable: Fictional Characters We’d Bang… PART TWO!

by GeekscapeStaffJune 14, 2012

It’s part 2 of the most important discussion known to mankind!

Everyone has a fictional character they’d bang, whether it’s someone from a movie, a comic, or a car insurance company. So the Geekscape staff put together their top 5 lists, High Fidelity style.

Joe Starr

Black Widow: Specifically the Iron Man 2/Avengers Black Widow. “Is that dirty enough for you?” COME ON. I actually wasn’t on the ScarJo train until Iron Man 2, and by the time the Avengers credits were rolling I was riding the train like a DJ from the Quad Cities. Note to self: Do more things like a Quad City DJ. She’s hot, she’s tough. Plus, she’s written by Joss Whedon so you know we will have clever banter. OH the banter we will have.

Arcee from Transformers Prime: This one isn’t about sex. I mean, that happens, but I’m pretty sure that this is the first female character that I’ve found myself admiring and investing in in years. I mean, she’s amazingly strong and independent, a tough but warm woman you can’t help but respect. She’s a breath of fresh air from fake stupid pixie dream girls like The New Girl in the same way that Thor and Captain America were a nice break from ‘guys that want to focus on their photography’ for ladies. It’s not my fault she’s a robot that turns into a motorcycle that I’d have sex with.

Margaery Tyrell: Tyrell is unnervingly beautiful. She’s a subtle player in the Game of Thrones making smart moves. After all, remember what Training Day Denzel said: This is chess, it ain’t checkaz! Tyrell is a chess player. And sometimes she shows her boobs sometimes.

Emma Stone: Ok, look. Emma Stone isn’t real. She can’t be. She’s got all of the hotness Lohan had going for herself circa Mean Girls and none of the coke and coke and coke and coke. Also, she seems pretty rad. Way too rad to be real. It’s like life’s writers felt bad about Lohan and gave the world a do over. I want them to fight. It would be fucking epic. I’m pretty sure Lindsay would work as an alt dimension evil Emma, because she’s starting to get a bit of a goatee.

Kaylee Frye: Look, if we’re gonna go Pixie Dream Girl let’s at least go with one that can fix a starship with a roll of duct tape and sheer will. This chick would roll her eyes at Zooey Deschanel and then hit her with a wrench. And then have sex with me fingers crossed?

Allison McKnight

David Xanatos from Gargoyles: Look, I’m just going to lay it all out there. He’s hot. Look at that stylish ponytail, that jawline and those shoulders. And not only is he infinitely bangable, he’s a mastermind, manipulating the world to suit his visions. He moved an entire castle! How many men can say that?

Caesar from Xena: Molly may have her heart-on for Ares, but we all know where it’s actually at: Caesar, as played by Karl Urban. Oof. Can I get that a second time. Oof. That is one sexy hunk of sociopathic manflesh, right there. He can chain me up, torture me, and take over the civilized world any day.

Gregory House: It’s House, for christsake. This is the man who walks around, scowling, picking people’s brains apart like he was ripping open a wad of cotton candy. Gooey, emotion-filled cotton candy. Even with only one good leg, he’s probably a better lay than… well, I’m not going to name names.

Richard B. Riddick: Sure, he’s a bit of a deviation from my usual lust for Magnificent Bastards, but have you seen those pecs? In all seriousness, that man is a sex ninja. That’s right: a sex ninja. I’m talking about going through positions that normally aren’t physically possibleand he’s all bestial-hind-brain driven– you can tell by his opening narrative that he’s not just a growler, he’s a biter.

Mitsuomi Takayanagi from Tenjho Tenge: This is a bit of an obscure character for most and, man, is his hair odd. But when you’re an intelligent piece of beefcake that is casually manipulating people into potential deadly scenarios so you can finally bang your angry ex-girlfriend into submission… mrowr.

Russell Sherman

Jessica Rabbit: Now this is the only female character that could make me choose to be straight. She’s sexy, loves the nerdy type and is committed to her man, sure she likes to pay patty cake but who doesn’t? This chick is all right in my books.

Dr. Emmett Brown: Inventor of the stylish time machine, the Tardis may have a pool but it’s not a DeLorean. Who would want to spend their lifetime traveling through time with their lover? Doc is the whole package, he’s a creator, smart, artistic (although not always to scale) and the man can dance.

Sam and Dean Winchester: Those two have earned sex from everyone on the planet, they prevented the Apocalypse, fought the devil (and won), and are actively trying to make the world a better place even though it keeps taking everyone they care about away. We owe them this, gay straight doesn’t matter they have earned a spit roast with you in the middle.

Merlin: He’s frikin’ magic for crying out loud, this is a man that could make all of your dreams come true. If you want to frak on a magic carpet ride he could make it happen. You want to ride a unicorn down the wedding isle again he could make this happen.

Wallace Wells: The gossip man who owns all the cool things in Scott’s apartment. He’s sarcastic, Canadian and gay so this makes him the one character on this list that I’d actually have a chance with not to mention if things work out we could actually get hitched and it’d be legal. That man is good looking in both the comics and the movie and is not afraid to speak his mind.

Matt Blackwood

Aela the Huntress from Skyrim: Face tattoos, mismatched armor, lots of skin showing- she’s like a medieval Suicide Girl. Plus, she’ll kill a storm atronach with a rusty dagger if you ask her. Of course, there is that “wet dog” issue; is there a Valtrex for lycanthropy?

Blink from Exiles: She’s brave, clever, kind. And pink. All over. Also, you never have to worry about being late again; with her portal power, you can go wherever you want INSTANTANEOUSLY! You want to step out for Chinese in Beijing? Bring a Somalian family to the never-ending pasta bowl? Get a Facebook profile pic on the Moon? Blink can make it happen. And did I mention she’s pink?

Terry Griffith from Just One of the Guys: Terry is the best kind of girl- one with balls. As a budding investigative journalist, Terry fights against the rampant sexual discrimination she faces by going undercover in drag to write an expose. She’s tough and funny and smart and willing to fight for the disenfranchised. And if you’re one of the guys who saw the flashing scene in his formative years, I don’t have to tell you what a model of physical perfection she is.

Margrethe from Job: A Comedy of Justice: While God and the Devil play their sick games with our hero (randomly dropping him in alternate realities Sliders-style in this classic Heinlein twist), Margrethe is the only constant good. The Danish stewardess is kind, understanding, and sexy. And anyone who makes sandwiches that can LITERALLY be considered heaven is worth holding on to.

The Mother from How I Met Your Mother: Like JJ Abrams, I’m obsessed with a mystery box. In 7 seasons, we’ve never actually met the mother. It’s the most misleading title since BJ and the Bear. Will we ever actually see her or is she like the alien from Contact? Is the mother just a concept, an ineffable ideal? Well, if the pedigree of Ted’s past girlfriends (including Cobie Smulders, Jennifer Morrison, and Mandy Moore) is any indication, the unseen mother is going to be totally effable.

Brian Gilmore

(Editor’s note: NSFW…It’s Gilmore)

Ariel from The Little Mermaid: Now, you can only really either go kind of masogynist or extremely masogynist on this one. Because you either have a girl that has no other choice but to go with mouth sexies all day all the time or one that’s super hot and can’t talk. She’s really willing to go a long way for you, too with the whole abandoning her people and voice thing. And she’s always pretty much topless, which is awesome. Also she wouldn’t get fat from having kids with you since they’d probably just grow in egg sacs.

This just got weird. Moving on.

Daphne from Scooby Doo: Any girl that wears a vagina-length skirt to a swamp and yet bothers to wear a scarf is fine by me. She’s also an idiot, which is awesome for a 1-night stand… I mean, they’re all idiots on that show unless every crook in the Scoobyverse is good enough at make-up design to be a contestant on Face Off. Also she’ll think you’re awesome in bed, since all she’s used to banging is one of the most infamously closeted gay characters in classic cartoon history. I always kind of assumed he was so obviously fabulous that he dressed her. One day: “gurrrl, how you wearin that fabulous purple dress with no flair?! Here, borrow one of my scarves!” Not only are her insanely hot fashion choices the thing that made me realize that legs rule, but she has red hair, and as we already established, this matters.

Tinkerbell: NO. SHUT UP. HEAR ME OUT. So, I’m not going to try to make the age-old argument of “hell yeah, I’d make her look like a lobster dinner” that you’ve heard pretty much since before we walked upright as a species and consistently every night as a child. This isn’t why we’re here. We’re all better than that. It’s because it wouldn’t entail any actual kind of P-in-V, so it’d be a one of a kind experience. Let me explain. And I’m so sorry for this. She’d be buzzing about at maximum speed all over you and everything would just kind of feel like as if Fleshlights worked themselves hands-free while you sat comfortably in a vibrating chair. She’d be the Brookstone of fictional lovers. Also, awesome fashion choice once again. Strapless dress that goes up to the fallopes even when 90% of the time she’s flying? Awesome fashion choice.

Wait. We can pick people played by actual humans?

Inara from Firefly: The only downside to this is that she might be a little disappointed because it’d be like asking a surgeon to do surgery at home (I swear to God there’s a better analogy for that). But she’s trained to do this. It seriously has to rule. Also you’d be doing it in space, which is awesome. Although technically I guess you’re always in space. But after letting her show you why only rich white dudes can afford her, assuming she’d be hosting (and yes, these are all now Craiglist casual encounters in my head), you could go down to the cockpit and play dinosaurs with Wash, as long as this was a time in which we hadn’t watched how he soared yet.

The Nun That Kate Upton Plays in the New Three Stooges Movie: I just really want to have unprotected Catholic sex with Kate Upton.

Stephen Prescott

Joan Halloway from Mad Men: Va-va-va-voom!

Winifred Burkle from Angel: She is the definition of adorkable and she’s a genius to boot. Zooey Deschanel wishes she had an ounce of the awesome that Fred has.

River Song from Doctor Who: Super smart, omnisexual and psychopathic. Everything I look for in a woman.

Irene Adler from Sherlock: Sherlock’s equal in almost every way. Also any woman who considers getting naked “putting on her battle armor” is a woman I’d like to meet.

Rose Tyler from Doctor Who: I don’t think there will ever be a time where I don’t have a total crush on Rose. I could blather on forever about how clever she is and how gorgeous she is and how much fun it would be to travel through space and time with her. I feel as though I completely understand why the Doctor loved her so much.

Jonathan London

The Cuckoos: Choices 1-3 MADE in a Greg Land drawn mind sexing! And one of them is in profile because Greg Land couldn’t find anymore three quarter model shots to trace in the Sears catalogue!

Gambit: He’s just a shithead. A bangable shithead that smells like cigarettes and strip clubs.

A bunch of pugs dressed up as Elf Quest characters: Editor’s note: JK this exists at London’s house and is not fictional.

Justin Lamb

Zuul The Gatekeeper: Dana Barrett is a triple threat. She’s a culturally affluent Manhattanite who plays the cello. She enjoys aerobics but knows when to spoil herself with a bag of Stay-Puft marshmallows. And she’s the corporeal medium for a demigod worshiped by the Sumerians and Hittites in 6000 BC. Long story short, things could get frigthful, but I ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Our safety word could be proton pack. Are you the keymaster? Yes. Yes, I am.

Pris from Blade Runner: Basic. Pleasure. Model.

Mrs. Brisby from The Secret of NIMH: I feel for Mrs. B. She is a sweet widower who wears that Pixie cut really well. She sort of reminds me of Mrs. Dawes, the 40-something woman who used to live next to my parents. Mrs. Dawes would work in her garden in a swimsuit top and khaki Mom shorts but she would still look surprisingly hot. Who knows, one night after stealing some corn from Farmer Fitzgibbons, maybe I would be cutting through her yard and oops I sprain my ankle. Mrs. B takes me inside to help me ice it down but instead things heat up. And then we put that red hood over those old photos of Jonathan Brisby.

Erin the Esurance Girl: Fearless, smart and sexy – whether she was stopping giant death-ray wielding automatons or saving me up to 25% on my auto insurance, this secret agent always sent me Thunderballing. Esurance stopped using her after she did poorly in a survey of popular corporate mascots. Despite being decommissioned though, she still fires up my Burn Unit.

An adult version of Princess Ruto from Ocarina of Time: I spent so many hours on that fucking Water Temple…I earned this.

New Muppets Movie Moving Ahead… Without Jason Segel (For Now)

by JonathanMarch 1, 2012

In news that is sure to leave our already sad and confused staff member Matt Kelly even more sad and confused, Disney has reached with The Muppets director James Bobin and original co-writer Nicholas Stoller to write a sequel… but word is that Stoller’s original co-writer and star of the film, Jason Segel, won’t be returning to the writing duties.

Does this mean he won’t star in the film? Who knows. Obviously a lot depends on the script that Bobin and Stoller produce. As Vulture reports, with commitments to How I Met Your Mother, other feature writing work, plus promotion for the upcoming Five Year Engagement and This is Forty, it sounds like Segel needs to be more than both man and Muppet if he’s going to find the time to be involved.

We obviously hope he is, because The Muppets was an alternate ending shy of being a perfect movie experience and we’d love to see what Segel would do with a return. Plus, it is an Oscar-winning film franchise now!