Yeah, that’s right. Part 1. This is such an in depth topic that it’s getting a sequel.
Everyone has a fictional character they’d bang, whether it’s someone from a movie, a comic, or a car insurance company. So the Geekscape staff put together their top 5 lists, High Fidelity style. We even got The Devastator’s Geoffrey Golden in on the action!
Molly ‘Mayhem’ Mahan
Rambo: I actually poised a similar question to my mother the other day (we have that kind of relationship), only it was “Rocky or Rambo?” She went with Rocky and I couldn’t disagree more. While I do love the Italian Stallion, few things get me going more than a man who knows how to wield a bow (It’s the Dinah Lance in me). I remember watching the fourth one (yes, with Old Man Stallone) and the minute he whipped out the compound bow and started laying waste to the enemy, I melted. Additionally, he’s a soldier who disdains the government and authority, but still accepts (or at least performs) his mission, meaning he knows how to follow orders even if he thinks it’s a little weird and will go out of his way to perform. Hardly sounds expendable in the bedroom to me, amiright? And don’t tell me that guy isn’t in some serious need of sexual healing. Bow chicka bow wow.
Ares, God of War: As played by the late-great Kevin Tod Smith on Hercules and Xena: Warrior Princess (did you seriously think you’d get away with me not talking about Xena?). Though a complete and utter asshole on Herc, when the God of War showed up on Xena he was still a bastard, but a lovable one at that. I watched this show during my formative years, so the heat and passion between the two was always something I wanted for
myself, and at times seemed like the ideal. And he could be as sweet as a teddy bear at times, too, so he wasn’t all bad. I watched the show religiously during my formative years, so Ares became without a doubt the embodiment of what I found (and still find) sexy.
Tyrion Lannister: All the other fangirls can have their Jon Snows and Jaime Lannisters, I’ll go with the half-man who has proven time and time again that he knows what to do with a woman. Bonus: he doesn’t feel bad about it nor have incestuous leanings. That clever
tongue of his ain’t half bad either.
Jason Todd: Pre-boot, post-resurrection, and in the Hush black leather costume, please. The man’s got daddy issues, has died and come back, and is hell bent for vengeance. Don’t even try to tell me the sex wouldn’t be crazy awesome. Also, I think that random which patch of hair he had in that costume was cool, I don’t care how little sense it made, it was a neat aesthetic. Plus, banging one of the Robins (especially the one that has been the source of such angst in Bat-lore) just feels so awesomely perverse, I can’t help it.
Saotome Ranma from Ranma 1/2: Although a dude, he can change into a girl when hit with cold water. That must be experienced. Preferably by me.
Looking back on this collection, I realize that I may have some anger issues.
Dave Biscella
Dagger: I’m one of the few that LOVE Cloak & Dagger, so I figure that will give me an in. Plus I could use the line, ‘My addiction to you is one addiction you can’t cure.’
Ariel: She’s clearly pretty confident based on the way she dresses. She’s got beautiful red hair and a nice singing voice. Also, always wet.
Harley Quinn: It’d be like hooking up with a hot Juggalette without having to listen to ICP blare in the background.
Tinkerbell: Petite. Blonde. Looks good in green. Can fly. Can’t talk. Perfect mate.
Ryan Gosling in Drive: He won’t let anybody hurt me.
Ben Dunn
Mystique: The only correct answer to the “Which Fictional Character Would You Bang” question is Mystique. I include all incarnations of this blue skinned she-devil. Movies, comics, video games. The reason being that she can fulfill any sexual fantasy you have. Want to bang Kate Upton? Scarlett Johannson? Ros from Game of Thrones? She can be all of those! You would never have to look elsewhere again.
Echo (Dollhouse): Same reason as Mystique, only she gets to keep Eliza’s amazing body.
Jess (New Girl): Not only is she hot like Zooey Deschanel, but she’s super adorkable! Plus, it seems like she is up for whatever. Definitely couldn’t take her after a few days, so this would probably have to be a one nighter.
Alishia Bailey (Misfits): Her super power seems a bit redundant really, a super hot chick who’s power is to make you want to have sex with her? It’s like a delicious cake having the power to make you want to eat it. Stupid. That being said, I don’t care if I don’t remember it afterward, would still bang.
Thorn (Bone): She has curves in all the right places. Plus she hangs out with a bunch of white Smurf rip-offs, so I would probably be HUGE by comparison!
Editor’s Note: Matt Kelley has called shenanigans on Ben, citing the ‘wishing for infinite wishes’ rule for naming Mystique. This brings up a lot of ethical issues: what do you think, readers?
Eric Diaz
Will Hunting: The titular character of Gus Van Sant’s movie Good Will Hunting, and probably actor Matt Damon’s breakout role. Will Hunting is a rough around the edges, smart ass blue collar type, who is secretly hiding a genius level brain and a sensitive soul. Combined with Damon’s then baby face, floppy blonde hair and lips that look like they were put on this Earth to do one thing, it is all pretty much my own personal form of kryptonite.
Audrey Horne: For twenty years now, Sherilyn Fenn’s portrayal of Twin Peak’s black haired sex kitten in saddle shoes and pleated skirts Audrey Horne has been my go to answer for “if you had to go hetero for one night, who would it be?” My answer will always remain Audrey. Either sultrily smoking cigarettes in high school bathrooms, rolling her eyes at those around her and their small town ways, or causing trouble by going undercover in Canadian brothels, Audrey was always the very definition of sex bomb to
me. It is also possible I really just want to BE Audrey more than bang Audrey…. And that’s not a crime.
The Vampire Lestat: Possibly my favorite fictional character period, Anne Rice’s vampire protagonist is tall, blonde, and kind of a prick (all weaknesses of mine with men) but ultimately a noble soul when it counts. Ya know, except for the whole killing people thing. Instead of brooding about his vampiric condition, he mostly enjoys it and loves all the sensual new pleasures it brings him. Lestat is the prototype for vampires like Spike on Buffy and Eric Northman on True Blood. Although portrayed on screen twice-first by Tom Cruise in an admirable attempt, and later by Stuart Townsend in a movie I’d burn every reel of if I could, neither could come close to evoking the novel’s version of Lestat’s
ambiguous omni-sexual nature. It remains the novel version alone that really gets my juices flowing.
Aquaman: I’m talking classic Aquaman, with the orange shirt, clean shaven face, with the short hair and the big trident (the hippie look Aquaman was a big turn off. I hate long hair on guys most of the time). Why Aquaman? Why not? He’s muscular, super strong and rules 75% of the Earth. Also, he’s tall and blonde, and that’s been my type since I first saw Sam J. Jones in Flash Gordon as a young kid, and got excited for the first time down there. I should mention that runner up in the comic book category has gotta be Dick Grayson/Nightwing. I mean, he’s an acrobat. Do the math.
Chris Evans as Captain America: I’ve never been all that crazy about Cap in the comics, at least not enough to get turned on by him, by Chris Evans’ portrayal of the aw-shucks do gooder with a heart of gold trapped in a little guy’s scrawny body, who then gets turned into sex on a stick gets me going every damn time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve paused that Blu ray in the scene where he emerges from the super soldier transformation all shirtless and sweaty and hot and…yeah, I’d better stop now. I will
admit, this entry is 50% “omg I really want have sex with Chris Evans” so I don’t know how much of that is him being Cap or not, but I figure I’d get less flack if I posted Chris Evans as Cap and not Chris Evans as Johnny Storm. Who I would also happily have sex with.
Shane O’Hare and Joshua Jackson
Rarity.
Rarity.
Rarity.
Rarity.
Sweetie Belle.
Special Guest Geoffrey Golden: A Girlfriend Approved Sex List
Let me preface this by saying that Amanda, my girlfriend and co-founder of our comedy magazine The Devastator, is not looking over my shoulder as I write this.
The only fictional characters I want to have sex with are ones that won’t make my beautiful, amazing girlfriend jealous. For example, Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons, a robot and not even a particularly attractive one at that (like, say, Lisa from Weird Science, who I definitely never fantasized about every day of 8th grade). Another robot I’d have sex with is Dot Matrix from Spaceballs, voiced by Joan Rivers, a trailblazing comedienne whose work I greatly respect.
Other characters I’d have sex with: Princess Fiona from Shrek, but only in ogre form, because I value inner beauty over outer beauty; the Librarian Ghost from Ghostbusters, assuming the physical contact we could make would be largely unpleasant; finally, Gaia from Captain Planet, who – according to Amanda – would be like having sex with a faint breeze. You know what, I’ll take it! On a related subject, do they make Captain Planet cockrings?
Some women do not want to read the phrase “Captain Planet cockrings” on a computer monitor.
Our culturally significant world changing discussion on cartoons we’d eff continues next week! BE THERE!