Pop your health pills and melt those pounds away because this week we’re joined by our good friend Kannon to discuss 1993’s Body Melt. We would call this a bad movie but the word movie would imply that there is a plot line to be followed. Body Melt is just a collection of ideas spliced together with the hopes that it makes sense, unfortunately it doesn’t. Join us while we suffer through the stages of Body Melt this week.

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Release the person faced hounds and pull your Probe board game out of your closet because this week the trio is talking about one of the most infamously homoerotic horror films of all time… “Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge”. We break down the subtler moments of S&M bar crashing, Mark Patton’s dreamy eyes and the true story of the man inside. Join us won’t you for Horror Movie Night!

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It’s good to know that after the bombs fall and half of the world is mutated into weird, pervy amphibians, we’ll have someone like Rowdy Roddy Piper to repopulate the planet with his incredible sperm – or at least, that’s the way things go in this week’s pick, 1988’s post-apocalyptic, post-consent fever dream Hell Comes to Frogtown. Here’s a question for you listeners, why would frog-people have an entire city in the middle of the desert? Wouldn’t that be terrible for creatures that have evolved to live in both water and on land? We have more questions, but few answers, so come share our bewilderment this week on Horror Movie Night!

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Listeners, welcome to a new world – one where exposure to too many horror podcasts leads to a skinny little wiener popping out of your foreheads and everyone getting drenched in authentic KY Jelly(tm). There’s also some odd sexual side effects, but hey, you’re getting some, so don’t complain. This week’s pick is the delightfully gooey and weird From Beyond (1986), starring Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, and Bubba the Ex-Football Player. If this intro doesn’t get you primed for action, then we don’t know what will… Hope you don’t mind some light bondage, and oh, the safe word is Horror Movie Night!

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If the creeping dread of another Cold War hasn’t quite hit you yet, the HMN boys will get you there with 1983’s low budget, killer-alien-in-a-meteorite The Deadly Spawn! This homage (well, more pastiche, really) to the alien monster heyday of the 1950s spent all of its money on creature effects (which are awesome, despite what Adam may think) and then hired people off the street to get eaten by weird hungry tadpoles. Don’t go in your swampy, disgusting basement, cuz it’s Horror Movie Night, comrade!

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Hey brother, we watched you flex your 24 inch pythons and vote for the one non-horror film of the year for us to tackle, and you now get to ledgrop aliens all over the place while we discuss the Hulkster’s 1991 sci-if comedy Suburban Commando! You better have said your prayers, taken your vitamins and done the right thing, cuz the Hulk’s bad weave is coming to your spare bedroom, keeping it safe from litigenous grease monkeys, bad bosses and intergalactic warlords. If you’re not feeling these colorful Hammer pants, well too bad, it’s standard issue, soldier, on this episode of Horror Movie Night!

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2016 has been a real crap year, so of course it needs to end with an equally crappy horror movie about an totally-unmasked killer stalking women to kill as midnight rings in each timezone! That’s right, the boys are ringing in the new year with 1980s New Years Eeeeeeeeeeevil. This film is what you’d imagine a quaalude nap at Studio 54 felt like, though there would’ve probably been a ton more nudity there too, so really, that’s a lame example anyway. Nevermind, we have eeeeeeeevil to discuss, so if you’re really eeeeeeeeeevil, put on your best Christmas-ribbon dress, slap some rouge across that eeeeeeevil face, and LISTEN. TO. THE REPLAY on the first Horror Movie Night of 2017!

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It’s Christmas Eve and boy do we have a surprise for you… We dug deep in our bag of podcast magic and pulled out a very special episode for you, full of Nazis, Grizzly Adams, and of course incest. That’s right, this week’s episode is the abysmal Xmassacre ELVES from 1989! Put on your Santa hat and draw some swastikas on your boobs/moobs as the guys wind their way through the celluloid insanity on display here. There are truly no words for this film, but HMN tries real hard to fill in the awkward silence. Happy holidays and watch out for grandpa, it’s a very merry Horror Movie Xmas Night!

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What was that? You didn’t get enough dream sequence shenanigans last week? Well, you’re in luck (and likely a glutton for punishment), because this week, the guys are tackling the uber-obscure direct to video Last Slumber Party (1988)! Don’t even try to make sense of this mess, just take it in and enjoy the absurdity. We’ve got a fresh set of surgeon scrubs and a 1000 yard stare ready for your Horror Movie all-Nighter, pillow fight anyone?

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Wake up to a dream within a dream about a mouthbreathing, galoshes-wearing, teen-killing weirdo that may just be your body’s reaction to a bad chili dog from the cafeteria, cuz the HMN boys are taking on the ORIGINAL meta horror comedy, 1980s Student Bodies. On this day, we are all nonsensical murderers with a cold, poking fun at the first wave of slasher flicks and the dumb character decisions we all love to hate. Grab some paper clips and your second- favorite handicapped janitor for this week’s Horror Movie Night!

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In true Horror Movie Night style, the guys are kicking off the holiday season with a film whose themes include (but are not limited to): prison, death penalty, alcoholism, bigotry, prison rape, trucker hats, and the ever-present electric ghost. That’s right, we’re talking Renny Harlin’s 1988 diamond in the rough PRISON! If you ever wondered what Aragorn was doing before that idiot Frodo came along, or what Deebo was up to on Thursday, this is the movie for you. Burn your bedding but keep the trucker hat, cuz it’s getting hot in solitary this week on Horror Movie Night!

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If you thought that ROBOCOP was too believable and MANIAC COP’s story was too easy to follow, then boy do the guys have a movie for you! This week, Adam throws the group into robot karate class with 1987’s inscrutable cyborg crimefighting cringer R.O.T.O.R. Unsure why all the strongly-worded suggestions against this pick went unheeded, Matt and Scott grasp at their fraying sanity as Adam teaches his mustache jujitsu. It’s about as 80s action cinema as you can get, so bring your C4 to the newest episode of Horror Movie Night!

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Do you like metal?? This movie may or may not be metal! It’s not necessarily good metal, but yeah, the central theme is more or less “metal” – of course we’re talking about 2015’s NZ shredfest Deathgasm! You can tell the protagonist is totally metal by his Trivium posters… Super duper metal, guys. He realizes the whole town has figured out what a poser he is, so he summons a demon to steal everyone’s souls and their ability to tell him he needs to practice more. Let’s just say he’s no Slumber Party Massacre II Driller Killer, all right? Get your corpse paint and nail gauntlets, we’re heading out into the woods to shoot a lofi black metal video, because that’s how we roll on Horror Movie Night!

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What better way to ignore the inescapable dread of real life than with a horror movie that makes almost no sense?? This week, Scott picked 1988’s Phantasm II (another sequel that’s arguably better than its predecessor), and promptly spent 30 minutes trying to explain to Matt and Adam why it’s awesome. Spoiler alert, they don’t agree. Idiots. So grab your quad-shot sawed off and dwarf actors’ union application, it’s Horror Movie Night!

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What hell hath HMN wrought? Upon Matt’s insistence, a fan submission and our better judgment, the guys suffered through 2002’s z-grade abomination Terror Toons. Watching this made one host giddy, while the others cursed the inventors of green screens and their own births. Hold onto your insane fake boobs and your nu metal CD binder, it’s another episode of Horror Movie Night!

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It’s Halloweentime again at the old HMN place, and the guys have once again agreed to subject themselves to an appropriately questionable kids’ movie in honor of the best day of the freakin’ year – this time around, it’s Ernest Scared Stupid from 1991. It’s no Spaced Invaders, but Adam and Scott have reservations, while Matt is, as usual, awashed in a golden shower of nostalgia. Bust out your miak, troll boogers, and weird multi-costume expositional montages, it’s the annual Horror Movie Night Halloween episode!

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Brothers can be such a pain… Always needing rides everywhere, always bugging you telepathically while you’re on a date, eating 10 gross hamburgers in a sitting, hiding in the toilet; you know, typical brother stuff. The HMN brothers-from-different-mothers try to keep a lid on Frank Henenlotter’s 1982 cult classic Basket Case in this week’s episode, even though one of their ranks has been chopped in half by a homemade saw device that has the police stumped. If you’re rolling around in your brother’s girlfriend’s guts, you know what time it is – it’s Horror Movie Night!

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Well, it must be Adam’s week to pick a movie, because nothing else could explain the inextricable and excruciating experience endured by your hosts at the hands of 1996’s Island of Dr. Moreau. The excellent documentary Lost Souls makes an appearance wearing the same clothes as Marlin Brando while stealing the show. Come WILSON with the rest of the castaways on Horror Movie Night!

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The leaves are changing, pumpkins are ready for carving, and your hosts are taking over the October picks, starting with 1988’s Halloween 4! Leave your love of John Carpenter at the door, as he pretty much had nothing to do with this film. Dust off your clown costumes (hello, relevant!), it’s October on Horror Movie Night!

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Let’s face it, watching your mom awkwardly hook up with not-your-new-dad at the drive-in could turn any mild-mannered kid into a psychopath… Poor misunderstood slasher killers. This week’s bad decision is 1987’s Thanksgiving twin massacre Blood Rage. Adam is so disgusted, he barely shows up, and somehow Matt and Scott trudge through the movie without going on their own killing spree. Nevermind it’s nowhere near turkey day, this is how we roll on Horror Movie Night!

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We heard you like head explosions – here’s a movie with one in the first scene! The guys burn their way through 1995’s splatter quasi-commentary Evil Ed, while ruminating about their own dark futures if they continue down their current path. Oh, and Bill Moseley’s voice. Grab an umbrella, because loose limbs are falling like manna from heaven this week on Horror Movie Night!

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It’s a random, humid evening in September, perfect for watching a Christmas horror film about a killer snowman and the dumbasses he terrorizes on a tropical resort island. We’re apparently barbecuing, because Adam is back on the sauce and picking 2000’s direct-to-the-$2-Walmart-bin crapshoot Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman! Kick back with a piña colada, soak up the sun, and get pummeled with wave after wave of crushing regret for letting your cohost subject you to this pointless, awful dreck. Just don’t engage in any mouth play with your ice cubes or your head might explode on this week’s episode of Horror Movie Night!

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Remember the days when you were scared to use the toilet? When you you were certain there was something evil lurking just below the porcelain bowl, waiting….just waiting…to EAT. YOUR. BUTT. Feels like yesterday to the HMN boys (and probably WAS yesterday for at least one of them). Join them this week as they discuss 1988’s Ghoulies II! Bring your drunk uncle, your stripper with a heart of gold, and your bigger monster to defeat the smaller monsters, cuz it’s another carnival-themed episode of Horror Movie Night!

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We hope you’re hungry, because we’re serving up a big helping of the grossest stuff you can imagine being spewed into your open mouth with Sam Raimi’s delectable 2009 outing, Drag Me To Hell! Does Justin Long redeem himself for his Tusk-y crimes? Find out on this episode of Horror Movie Night!

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Briefly: Yeah, pretty much the entire internet has been beyond excited for the Men In Black / Jump Street crossover film that was first discovered way back when during the Sony email leaks.

According to Jump Street star Jonah Hill, that crossover is unlikely to ever happen.

In an interview with The Toronto Star, Hill notes that “It’s too complicated. They’re trying to make all the deals, but it’s kind of impossible with all the Men in Black stuff. The Jump Street films were so fun to make and the whole joke of them was they were making fun of remakes and sequels and reboots and then now it’s become a giant sequel, reboot. It’s almost become what we were making fun of and it’s hard to maintain that joke when it’s so high stakes.”

So… it’s not completely dead, but it’s probably completely dead.

Way to destroy our dreams, Jonah.

Would you be down for a Men in Black / Jump Street crossover?

MIB

Sometimes there are directors who truly can do no wrong. Their careers are chock full of great films executed flawlessly… The director of The Exorcist is not one of those people, as evidenced by Adam’s pick this week: 1990’s baby-stealing opus The Guardian! The guys have a lot of criticism for the 90 minutes of film on either side of the biker gang deaths at the spooky tree, as they’re all too jaded to be swayed by baby-crazy naked witches. Come bathe in front of your shirtless employer on a new episode of Horror Movie Night!

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Briefly: The first clip from this month’s anticipated Seth Rogen animated comedy Sausage Party has just hit the web.

Naturally, the clip is about as subtle as the red-band trailer is, and features way too many not-at-all subtle wiener in bun jokes than I can handle.

But, the movie actually looks pretty hilarious.

Sausage Party tells the story of one sausage setting out on a quest to discover the truth about his existence. After falling out of a shopping cart, our hero sausage and his new friends embark on a perilous journey through the supermarket to get back to their aisles before the Fourth of July sale.

Take a look at the clip below, and let us know if you’re looking forward to the film.

Have you ever scraped the bottom of the grease barrel at a minimum-wage, burger-flipping, hate-your-life job? Watching this week’s film was a lot like that. The guys chew their way through 2007’s killer clown flick Drive Thru, leaving them with a gross taste in their mouths and a case of the runs like you wouldn’t believe. Bring your awful fashion choices and inappropriate racial slurs, as we troll an ICP wannabe, cuz that’s how we roll on Horror Movie Night!

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This week, the guys are digging an oldie but goodie out of the archives and watching from the rafters as their past selves discuss Brian De Palma’s inimitable 1974 rock opera Phantom of the Paradise! If you’ve followed the show in any capacity, odds are you’ve heard this film brought up at least once, and here is the seed of HMN’s collective obsession. Fall in love with Plain Jane, get your teeth knocked out, your voicebox smashed and your face horribly disfigured by a record press, then try to foil your abuser’s sexy plot on this week’s retroactive episode of Horror Movie Night!

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After over 2 decades, the long awaited (or dreaded) new Ghostbusters film is finally in theaters. And based on the opening weekend numbers, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve seen it. And if you’ve seen it you probably have a definite opinion on it. Opinions we’ve witnessed so far have ranged from extremely good to impossibly bad.

My opinion is somewhere right in the middle. I didn’t have fun watching this movie and in general the movie fell flat. But what hurt the most was how much potential the new Ghostbusters had. I’m aware that I am someone who has never made an actual movie. And I’m about to Monday Morning Quarterback it. But I believe a lot of issues I had with the film could easily have been fixed with small changes.

First, let me break down what some of the issues for me were. This will get into Spoiler Land and it’s probably best not to read beyond this point if you haven’t seen the movie.

Okay. You have been warned.

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Now not all of these issues are easy fixes. At one point, our heroes witness the main villain running off to destroy New York City during the mid-afternoon and but are not see again until some time at night when they finally jump into the Ecto-1 and tear onto the streets to catch him. Um. Hours and entire scenes have passed. How do you create a sense of urgency if the characters themselves don’t show any sense of urgency? When the police suspect that our heroes have just killed a man by throwing him from a window the scene ends with a series of Patrick Swayze references? There’s absolutely no resolution to this potential hurdle and it’s swept under the rug like so many potentially rich story beats in exchange for some witty dialogue. The movie ignores plot in lieu of potential laughs several times and the story and characters are worse off for it. I can list every offense but for the sake of this article I’m going to focus on the three major issues that most of the smaller issues stem from.

Issue #1: This movie does not exist in the same universe as the original two films yet is still very self conscious about it existing. This doesn’t bother everybody, but it definitely bothered me. By making this its own stand alone film, this go around has to retell the Ghostbusters origin story from scratch and spend a lot of energy doing it. It repeats beat by beat scenes from the original movie with very subtle “unique” twists. This isn’t a structural issue (because it worked great in the first film) but then the movie additionally is packed with cameos of the entire original cast as “jokes”. Only one or two of these cameos actually works but most of the time the extent of the joke is “look, it’s one of the people from the original movie… laugh now please.”

Issue #2: The relationships established between the 4 Ghostbusters are extremely rushed and don’t really change that much from there. Erin Gilbert (Kristen Wig) and Abby Yates (Melissa McCarthy) are former best friends. They stopped being best friends for… reasons? Erin re-enters Abby’s life to ask her to stop the publication of a book that they wrote years ago and discovers that she’s basically been replaced by Jillian Holtzmann (Kate McKinnon), an eccentric but brilliant inventor who only services the story to mumble weird asides and introduce interchangeably forgettable gadgets that will only be used once. After less than 10 minutes Abby and Erin are friends/business partners because they saw a ghost and their estranged relationship is almost never mentioned again. That is until the end of the film when Erin has to make the choice to potentially sacrifice herself for her friend…. except at that point it’s not much of a choice as they’ve been friends for 99.9% of the film. This isn’t a big character moment or choice as much as it’s a quick wrap up to a problem the Ghostbusters let happen in the first place when they sat for hours instead of chasing the bad guy down the street (not to mention letting him grow to the size of a skyscraper before actually zapping him). The final piece of the group comes in Patty Tolan (Leslie Jones) who exclaims after joining the group and looking for a ghost down a hallway that she “thought she was joining a book group”. And this is after she witnessed a ghost at her subway job… twice.

Issue #3: For a movie that’s trying so hard to be different they literally have just created four female characters that are attempts at being direct duplicates of the original cast. This ends up being more of a disservice than anything and causes some weird character issues. If these are new characters, treat them as such.

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For reference, here’s who represents who:

Abby is Ray
Erin is Peter
Holtzmann is Egon
Patty is Winston

The original film was a tale for one sarcastic guy and his 3 co-workers, all playing the straight man to an outlandish situation. Sure Ray, Egon and Winston have some hilarious lines… but every line is delivered with complete sincerity. They don’t have time for jokes, they’re here to catch ghosts and are firmly grounded in doing so. The audience has a place of perspective from which to watch the fantastic story play out.

This new movie has no straight man. The closest we have is Erin but even she is too goofy for her own good and is made less respectable in situations in which she mistakes windows for sliding doors. Holtzmann is too silly to be the “Egon”, which would be fine if they made her more of a 3-dimensional character than just a weird Egon. McKinnon’s performance is getting a lot of praise and it’s super deserved because it was a huge risk but it could have been so much more relatable if it had any depth or history to it. She’s the same unpredictable question mark at the end of the story as she is when Erin first meets her.

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The most offensive issue comes in Patty as Winston. In the original film Winston was a man who didn’t believe in ghosts. He just needed a job. Some of the best moments in the original film was Winston being the normal guy coming to terms with lots of new information. In the remake, Patty discovers a ghost and calls the Ghostbusters for help. That’s perfectly fine. Then She asks to join the group. This is also fine. Then on their first mission with the team she’s mumbling to herself about “I thought this was gonna be a book club and now I’m fighting ghosts”. What?!? There is no other reason for this line to exist for this character beyond “She’s the Winston”. Even when the character is actually the most different from its male counterpart, they still write dialogue for her that’s more fitting for Winston. This is even more absurd based on the fact that just before this mission she got them a vehicle for the equipment and uniforms… TO CATCH GHOSTS! Why in the hell is this character unaware of what she signed up for after having dealt with one TWICE in the subway?

That in a nut-shell are my 3 major issues. And they’re big ones. The new Ghostbusters is a film that wants to make its own name for itself but can’t get out from under the shadow of the original.

So why not just accept that the original films existed in this universe and start from there? Why must every reboot be a remake?

Here’s my take on the first 20 minutes of the film that would quickly fix some of these issues. And remember, I’ve never made a movie, I’m just writing how marrying these two stories together could work and how it would fix a lot of issues.

Imagine if the new Ghostbusters film opened with the original commercial from the first Ghostbusters movie. The year is 1990 and we pull back to reveal a trio of girls having a sleepover. These girls are 10 year old Erin, Abby and their eccentric friend Jillian Spenlger. Yes, I’m turning Holtzmann into a relative of Egon because if you’re going to make her character a female equivalent him anyways let’s just make her a relative and have a reason why they share the same tendencies. The three of them are sharing ghost stories and maybe even make a reference to how cool it is that Jillian’s uncle is a Ghostbuster.

Suddenly weird things begin to happen in the house and they experience a real life ghost. The three are bonded by this scary moment and the credits roll.

We then jump to modern day New York.

The three remaining Ghostbusters are looking around their offices reminiscing about Egon (who has passed away) and discussing how the business has become a money pit. There hasn’t been a ghost in New York for over 20 years and their equipment is extremely dangerous after years of being inactive. On top of that, with no ghosts to bust they can barely afford the rent on the building.

It’s at this time that Jillian enters the firehouse. She has inherited Egon’s quarter of the business and actually wants to join the team.

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Peter, Ray and Winston decide that Jillian could be the ultimate solution to the financial albatross that is The Ghostbusters and they do her one better. They’ll give her their shares as well and make her the sole owner. This is admittedly a crude trick but we can make sure that all three get something bad in return. There’s a joke in the current film where Patti, Abby and Holtzmann are attacked by a giant Stay Puft Marshmellow Man balloon that keeps them pinned down. Instead of that happening to the female Ghostbusters we could make it that Peter, Ray and Winston decide to ultimately help the girls out only to get trapped under the balloon and be rendered old and useless. The four female Ghostbusters simply pop the balloon and save them, clearly stating that they are the newer, better models (take that, internet trolls).

Jillian excitedly calls her friends Abby and Erin to join her so they can continue their ghost hunting excitement. But they have since all but forgotten their experience 25 years ago. Much like in Ghostbusters 2, the two try to convince Jillian that her uncle was a scam artist who tricked New York into believing in ghosts for profit. But the mystery of a ghost reappearance reinvigorates them when Jillian is asked to investigate the historical site from the beginning of the film.

From this point on we can start to introduce our villain, who should have ties to the history of the Ghostbusters, and pick up right where we meet Patty in the current film. Most of the movie can play out the same way from this point except the villain actually has weight beyond being a random angry kid from Reddit.

By making these changes you immediately tie the film to the original films that the current version is already self conscious of, except now the cameos serve a purpose beyond being gags. It also removes the 20 minutes of retelling how the Ghostbusters were formed and avoids some of the weird missing elements of Erin and Abby’s friendship.

Since the equipment is still old and beat up, it still allows us to keep some of the more entertaining segments of the girls “testing out Jillian’s equipment” but also allows us to bypass some of the more obnoxious elements of the film where everyone but the younger section of the audience (and since this is the first PG-13 Ghostbusters film don’t tell me that’s who it’s specifically aimed at) has heard this dialogue and seen this before.

At the end of the day, what’s done is done. The movie is out there and it’s a hit. There will definitely be a sequel and honestly that’s a good thing. The main cast has fantastic chemistry and I’d be more than thrilled to see what a sequel would be like now that the tedious work of reestablishing the Ghostbusters has been done. I just hope that they now take things in a new fresh direction rather than continuing to pay fan service to films that their audience already has on their shelves at home.