We’re like two months into this brand split and I’m already feeling drained by having a pay-per-view every two weeks, but here we are. This time it’s the Raw solo pay-per-view. I’m not sure how I feel about this one but I have a feeling in September Smackdown is gonna have the better Pay-Per-View.
Since I have nothing to say here’s a disclaimer from Molly:
You know you’re training to be a professional wrestler when you spend your breaks at your minimum wage retail job writing a fantasy booking column on the back of the hand out you got in the ER when you broke your ankle trying to resorte out of a headscissors chinlock! No, I don’t know why paperwork from 9 months ago was still in my purse. Yes, I really did all of that.
Match #1: Alicia Fox Vs. Nia Jax (Pre-Show Match)
NIA JAX: She is a large, bad-ass and beautiful murder machine who has crushed every local talent WWE has thrown at her and is now ready to take out some established roster members.
ALICIA FOX: There’s been a real lacking of Fox on WWE TV lately but when she is on TV she’s always flipping a shit and it’s always entertaining
WHO WINS:
Matt: Nia Jax is definitely winning this the only question is how quickly is she winning this? There has never been a more fitting Pre-Show Match. A quick no stakes match is perfect pre-show fodder. Way better than when the tag belts or titular survivor series matches are the pre-show events. Alicia Fox is a good wrestler who’s great at playing crazy but let’s be serious here… you don’t build Nia with a series of Squash matches for Alicia Fox to take her out.
Molly: Nia Jax with Muscle buster off the top rope… What, she’s only 2 inches shorter and 10 lbs lighter than Samoa Joe anyway!
Josh: Nia’s too early into her run to lose to a lower card performer like Alicia, no matter how much I love her. Foxy doesn’t have a chance. By the way, I just learned that a group of foxes is called “a leash.” That facepalm was about a decade in the making…
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Matt: Nia is going to continue to dominate. She’s going to crush everyone who comes in her path… until Auska gets called up to the main roster in time for Nia Jax vs. Auska to be a Wrestlemania worthy event. I feel like I saw it in NXT once before (I really can’t remember) but even if I did… that was a different less confident Nia. Main Roster Nia has been dope and I hope she continues to be dope for a long time. Also she should be in the Royal Rumble.
Molly: I hope this match turns out to be better than the crowd expects; better than your average pre-show match. Because honestly, Alicia Fox has impressed me the few times I’ve seen her wrestle recently. Specifically in a house show match I saw live between her and Natalya back in July. Alicia can go, but she’s still considered a ‘total diva’. She’s a great stepping stone for Nia to prove that she’s still a human wrecking ball when her opponent is getting in offense. I wanna see more TV time for Alicia where she’s wrestling and not dress shopping with Paige. Maybe getting involved in the title hunt so the crowd doesn’t get tired of the same 3 horsewomen all the time. But really, if you’re sick of the horsewomen, who the fuck are you. And I hope this starts Nia working her way up with matches longer than a minute. I wasn’t convinced when she was drafted from NXT because I really don’t think Nia has hit her stride and found her comfort zone yet. The longer matches with more experienced opponents unafraid of her throwing them across the ring will only benefit her. If you want her to squash opponents, let her start squashing some lower tier dudes. I might even try to get some hotter heel heat on her by booking her in mixed tag matches with her cousin, Roman Reigns (I’m positive every Samoan is related at this point). Once in a while my quest to book Nia Jax as this generation’s Chyna takes precedence over my need for a sorta-Shield reunion.
Josh: Fox will fade back into obscurity while Nia continues her climb to eventually become a championship contender. If she’s healthy, I can see Paige being her next feud. If not, Fox will probably continue the feud for an extra month.
Match #2: T.J. Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick (For the Cruiserweight Title)
T.J. PERKINS: Just won the CWC and got a trophy almost as tall as half the people in the CWC. He loves to Dab.
BRIAN KENDRICK: Was one-half of one of the longest reigning tag-teams in WWE history (with Geekscape family member Paul London). He looks like the bassist of the Lone Rangers.
WHO WINS:
Matt: I really wish it was going to be Kendrick because he was so fucking amazing in the CWC but it will be T.J. Perkins. The man hasn’t even appeared on the main roster yet. There’s no way he’s losing his debut match.
Molly: TJ Perkins. If there is any logical way for Perkins to flip out of Kendrick attempting another burning hammer and turning it into the knee bar then I need to see it happen.
Josh: TJ is winning, and there’s no doubt in my mind about it. Kendrick was picked as the contender because he’s a reliable guy that the fans recognize, and who better to put over the new champion as a threat while being able to take his move set?
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Matt: Perkins will continue to be champ for a while until Cedric Alexander wins it and becomes the dude everyone talks about for the rest of his life. Meanwhile Kendrick is going to have an awesome run as the aged angry heel that will cheat to stay on top. I am DREAMING of when I get to see him and Jack Gallaher have a match because if CWC taught me anything… those dudes can tell amazing stories with no words and I want to see that story telling mix as soon as humanly possible.
Molly: Last year, if you had told me that TJ Perkins (who I first encountered as Suicide in TNA) and The Brian Kendrick were having a WWE pay per view match for a cruiserweight title in the year of our lord 2016, I would’ve asked how you got in my house before back-handing you into the fucking sun. I am ecstatic that this is happening, and I wanna see both these dudes built into the heavyweights of the cruiserweights.
Perkins just won the Cruiserweight Classic. It would be a pretty huge dick move to undo what he’s worked towards all summer (on top of an 18 year indy career that involved a lot of getting shit on) to put the belt on Kendrick after one match. Though it is most definitely a move I could see WWE pulling. Kendrick’s redemption story is fantastic, especially while he’s still playing the heel fans initially loved him as, and it needs to go as long as possible. Now that the CWC is over, wrestlers previously uncategorizable as good/bad have to start taking a side. I hope this gives us a Kendrick that we want to root for even though he can’t give up his old ways and is still an asshole in-ring. And a Perkins that is such a flashy, glittery, show off of a heel that he literally blinds us when he dabs and we still clap for him while bleeding out the eyes.
Josh: Since the division is still kind of a husk at the moment, it’s hard to make any concrete observations. TJ will definitely carry the title for a good amount of time, but with no characters associated with these acts at the moment, we’re veering towards the division becoming a series of meaningless matches. If I were to pick however, I would make Swan or Cedric the next contender, just to continue to highlight the better workers.
Match #3: Cesaro vs. Sheamus (Final Part of the Best Out of 7 Series for a Title Shot)
CESARO: The man speaks multiple languages, tailors his own tear away suits and is so bad ass that it’s not unreasonable to consider him the reason that girl you like won’t date you.
SHEAMUS: He played a CGI Rhino in a movie out on DVD this week.
WHO WINS:
Matt: Cesaro has to win this right? Like… we can’t give it to Sheamus… if we give it to Sheamus than what the fuck was this all about to begin with? I’m heavily leaning towards Cesaro but if Sheamus wins… I won’t be shocked. Cesaro. Final Answer Regis.
Molly: Sheamus via some shit that proves Sheamus is a strong main event presence despite Cesaro being the crowd favorite
Josh: It all depends what the vague promise of a “championship opportunity” means. If it’s for the Universal Title, Cesaro will pull off the four match streak and become Kevin’s new contender. If it’s for the U.S. Title… I still say Cesaro, because seeing him fight Rusev would be much better than Sheamus vs. Reigns for the tenth time in a year. Queue the sirens, Cesaro is taking this!
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Matt: I’m as confused as to the future of these two as I am who is gonna win. Sheamus just continues to be irrelevant in wrestling world and Cesaro is so under utilized… but if I’m going to fantasy book this one I think Cesaro is next to try to take down Owens. I don’t think he succeeds but he puts in a good series of matches. He then chases mid-card gold and (if Reigns doesn’t do it already) becomes the man to beat Rusev for the U.S. Title.
Molly: Because I need Cesaro to be furious and go on a tear after this series, regardless of who deserves what. “You make me waste my time and talents in a feud going nowhere that no one cares about, and because I lose, that undoes everything I’ve accomplished? Hell no,” Cesaro screams at Jojo. I need Cesaro so enraged that when Survivor Series hits, he doesn’t get tagged in until the very end out of spite from his teammates, and when he finally does, he annihilates the other team, eliminating the majority of them and scaring the shit out of everyone else. There’s a lot of talk amongst wrestling fans over who is most ‘deserving’ of pushes. Fans like Cesaro cause he’s a great worker, not cause he’s heel or face. It’s a mindset that, while very respectful to the talent, makes it difficult to suspend disbelief when watching a wrestling show anymore. The best way to further blur the lines and do kayfabe in 2016 is to have Cesaro disregard all of the compliments from fans and criticisms from those in charge and have him just wreck house. Running in on matches, getting disqualified for excessive violence and the like, while Sheamus is like “that fella’s a bleeding nutcase and almost murdered me, it was not worth winning the series.”
Josh: Like Sami, Cesaro’s character arc is currently around his frustration over being stagnant. In Cesaro’s case however, it’s been much more at the forefront. He gets screwed against the Universal Championship, loses that shot, and turns heel out of frustration. Either that, or he gets traded to Smackdown somehow, but seeing as the only apparent way to switch shows is to lose to Jinder Mahal, I’m not expecting that anytime soon.
Match #4: Rusev vs. Roman Reigns (for U.S. Title)
RUSEV: Remember Rocky 4? He’s basically Drago from Rocky 4.
ROMAN REIGNS: Remember The Rock? He’s related to him. WWE thinks that means we’ll love him. They’re wrong.
WHO WINS:
Matt: This is another one I’m torn on. Reigns as U.S. Champion I could live with but I think Rusev is just killing it right now and the time isn’t right. Rusev should remain champion tonight but I’m very accepting to being wrong. Plus if Reigns has the U.S. Title at least he’s no longer a guest on the Kevin Owens show for a while.
Molly: Roman Reigns. How? Fuck if I care!
Josh: As much as I hate to say it since Rusev is my favorite guy on the roster, Roman has to win here. He’s still the company’s golden boy, and after eating a series of big losses, it’ll be time for the Big Dog to build his momentum back up. Plus, it would give him a reason to stay out of the main title picture until they’re ready to resume the Roman Reigns experiment.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Matt: Rusev is going to continue to crush until Cesaro wrecks him and the entire globe rejoices. Meanwhile Reigns will basically get booed out of every building until he’s turned heel and suddenly everyone loves him because wrestling fans don’t care how good of a wrestler you are… they just care about their opinion being heard.
Molly: I want to care. I really do. But following the misogyny of ‘fighting for Lana’s honor’ and whatever mess that finish was at Summerslam, it’s really hard to care. Rusev’s reign isn’t going anywhere in this feud with Roman because of the tug-of-war going on between fans and writers over Roman’s likability. Best thing is to get Rusev out of it entirely and shake off the terrible storylines he keeps getting put in. He’s a great monster heel; let him be the stone wall Cesaro hits in his rampage. As for Roman, you know what fans liked him doing? Being the silent big dude in the Shield. You know who could use some help now that the Authority hates him? Fellow former Shield member, Seth Rollins. I wanna see them team up again. Seth tries to get Roman to trust him again while Roman’s always positive Seth is just after a title to prove he has worth even if he can’t beat Owens. Plus there are no 2 people on the RAW roster who both hate the Authority more at this point, and Seth could use a heater in his corner.
Josh: A rematch followed by a directionless Rusev. Fortunately, the Rumble will be a few short months away, which is when many of the upper midcard guys get a soft reset as the big matches shape up. Roman will feud with a top level guy like Jericho before finally losing the belt in a way that makes him look strong, before stepping back onto the top of the card.
Match #5 Sami Zayn vs. Chris Jericho (For the enjoyment of seeing two masters go at it)
SAMI ZAYN: If Ska music could be personified it’d be Sami Zayn. With no evidence what-so-ever I’m confident he donated to Five Iron Frenzy’s Kickstarter 5 years ago.
CHRIS JERICHO: Depending on your age he was either your favorite wrestler as a kid… or your dad’s favorite wrestler when he was a kid.
WHO WINS:
Matt: I actually didn’t realize how unsure I am about these matches until working on this write-up. That actually makes me a little excited about this pay-per-view. The fan in me wants to say Sami Zayn wins this … but the fan in me also knows Zayn is best when he ALMOST wins but loses to Jericho.
Molly: Christ Jericho (these are not typos, I know what I wrote, Jericho is God) Does anyone tap to the Walls of Jericho anymore? Have Sami tap and hate himself for it. Have him tap to the lion tamer so I can go from really stoked cause I love that hold to really sad cause Sami lost.
Josh: The running theme seems to be that Sami is directionless. Knowing this, I’m guessing Jericho pulls off the win, further frustrating Sami as his former best friend carries on as champion while he can’t beat the new best friend.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Matt: We’re taking our precious time getting there but I think this is the point that breaks Kevin Owens. Sami Zayn won the “final match” against Owens. I feel like Jericho is going to be too excited about beating Zayn which will cause Owens to eventually turn on Jericho. Let’s be honest here Fozzy has a new album and tour in 2017… they gotta write him off somehow… how about a Pop-Up Powerbomb. Then Sami needs to chase down Owens again and be the one to beat him for the Universal Title, possibly at Royal Rumble but ideally Wrestlemania main event.
Molly: Sami Zayn is “The Man of 1000 Incredible Losses” and he’s in a stride I love right now. Gets a few wins to prove he really is good, but mostly loses when the pressure’s on because screwing up when under stress is a relatable, human thing to do. Unlike Cesaro, who I may or may not want to neutralize me straight into the abyss and out of this wrestling-induced stress-coma I’m writing myself into, I want Sami to be the Bayley of the men’s division. Really talk up his unbreakable will and have him on TV every week so my great aunt can keep texting me “that Sami Zayn’s a very nice boy with a sick tornado DDT”. I want Neville built in a feud with Owens so after Sami loses valiantly in a feud with Rollins, Neville and Sami can rehash a bit of their BRILLIANT NXT feud. Where they’re friends who don’t want to hate each other, but keep getting in one another’s way and making it mad difficult to play nice. As for Jericho, there is nothing I would change about this incredible high he’s on. Keep building the fresh faces while giving us the gift of Jericho. I’m thirsty anyway.
Josh: The WWE loves to break popular guys down, only to (possibly), build them back up down the road. Keeping both him and Owens on the same show certainly means they’ll eventually redeem him by having him go over Kevin again. Whether or not its for the title is yet to be seen, but you can’t keep these guys apart for long.
Match #6 Charlotte Vs. Sasha Banks vs. Bayley (Triple Threat for Raw Women’s Title)
CHARLOTTE: Ric Flair’s Daughter, but she doesn’t like being associated with him, unless she’s reminding you that she’s made of his 16-time Champion Sperm. Spends her free time mocking her “friend” Dana Brooke who is a body builder who has no self respect.
SASHA BANKS: Possibly the best wrestler in WWE today (that’s including men), she’s dope AF. I don’t even have any jokes, she’s amazing, that’s all you need to know.
BAYLEY: Bayley is the wrestling fan in all-of-us. If you had to draw a person to represent the phrase “I’m just happy to be here” it’d be Bayley surrounded by anime characters hugging balloon men and… I think I have a dope idea for a T-shirt.
WHO WINS:
Matt: I’ll probably be wrong on this one but I think Sasha gets her belt back. Bayley can’t win this quickly. Bayley is female Zayn, she has to lose over and over again. Just get close … but not close enough. When she does win it needs to be a HUGE deal. Meanwhile Charlotte is a great heel but Sasha can be a better one. She needs to turn this weekend and I want her to turn … because of Dana Brooke backstab.
Molly: Charlotte by literally pressing the rewind button and causing the audience to collectively ask “didn’t we watch this on NXT but with more, oh what’s the word… enthusiasm?”
Josh: If Bayley vs Sasha is the endgame, it’s too early to draw that out all the way until April, so the best way to pull it off is to have Sasha win this match, have her pass the title back to Charlotte in October, and play out the scenario I’m predicting below.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Matt: Charlotte is going to feud with Dana Brooke and beat her time and time again. Finally at Survivor Series Emma returns to save her friend. Sasha is going to continue to be a mean-spirited as human possible until Bayley beats her at Wrestlemania and wacky wavy inflatable arm men explode out of every corner of the building.
(I realize almost all my predicts are ending at Wrestlemania but we’re basically entering Wrestlemania season where everything is just building to the Wrestlemania matches)
Molly: While yes, it would be a great comeback story for Sasha to win the title right back after back injury issues forced her loss, I think this loss could build more sympathy for Sasha so when she finally does win the title back and becomes the cocky, full-of-herself Boss champ she does best, it’ll hurt so good. I could see having Bayley win by taking the pent up fire she had facing Asuka in her NXT Women’s title rematch and redirecting it to take back her place on top. But Bayley is one character that I would love to see digress a bit; back to hug-happy super fan who needs to prove herself as legitimate once more. Out of respect for the belt and Charlotte’s character, I’d like to see her continue onwards into a feud with Dana Brooke and hopefully Charlotte will drop it to Nia Jax when Nia gets her shot in the not-too-far-off future. Meanwhile, Sasha keeps pretending to be Bayley’s friend in the match until it’s obvious Bayley’s gonna be a problem for Sasha and Sasha just goes the fuck off on her. Then pretend to be her friend some more but keep pulling shady shit until Bayley’s done playing games and Sasha’s done sitting around without a title while a fly named Bayley buzzes in her ear.
Josh: The money feud *has* to be Bayley vs. a heel Sasha at Wretlemania, right? That’s why it’s hard to believe that these two are already in the same match fighting for the title when Bayley has been around for a month. My booking would have had Sasha vs. Charlotte in a singles match, and have Sasha lose. Then have Bayley challenge and win near the Royal Rumble, only for Sasha to get jealous over her “friend” winning instead of her. Charlotte can feud with Dana or something. Maybe even a returning Emma to defend her friend?
Match #7 New Day vs. The Club (For the Raw Tag Team Belts)
THE NEW DAY: If Geekscape needed a wrestling mascot we’d pick The New Day (no offense Paul). They love comics, video games and Anime and talk in pop culture references. It’s like their promos are written by Dan Harmon.
THE CLUB: They were dope in Japan. They came to WWE to lose a bunch and hang out with A.J. Styles. In a perfect world they will be dope in WWE soon enough.
WHO WINS:
Matt: I love the New Day. I love them. But their time as Tag Team Champions needs to stop. The Club needs this win. The club needed this win last month if we’re being honest. If I’m wrong about the Women’s title there needs to be at least one title change and that change needs to be the Tag Belts.
Molly: The Club Please just let them murder the New Day, like, just ‘magic killer’ them on top of one another. I love the New Day and don’t want it to be a total squash cause that wouldn’t make sense, but please let the Club get their shit together and take this one.
Josh: I almost feel like it’s now or never for The Club, especially since all the hype surrounding their debut has all but disappeared. Yet, that’s never stopped the WWE from completely killing guys in the name of their own agenda, which seems to be having The New Day break Demolition’s record. Knowing this, New Day is winning.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Matt: The New Day can continue to do theeir comedy schtick and being the most over thing in the WWE Universe. The Club will be absolute dominating heels and rocking the Tag Team Division until they are beaten by Enzo and Cass at the Rumble (see not all Wrestlemania Predictions)
Molly: The New Day has really done all they can do as a tag team. They’re the most successful team in this era of WWE and I AM LITERALLY. ON MY KNEES. BEGGING YOU. TO DO WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE. WHEN YOU YANKED BULLET CLUB OUT OF JAPAN. And actually book them to be the no-fucks-to-give, win-by-any-means-possible assholes they are best. On top of doing their comedy bits that made every promo they cut in 2014 absolute gold (it’s not the language barrier that made them funny; it’s how absolutely randomly ridiculous it was for a threatening team with solid matches and a winning streak to be doing Irish whip reversals mid-promo and bringing toilet seats as weapons because they were “going to shit on your life”). It also frees up the New Day to have the feud we’ve been waiting for with Enzo & Cass but with the stakes far less high. Or the feud I’m gonna wait forever and then some for, because literally only I would want cruiserweights to be capable of forming teams to enter the tag team division, and that’s New Day vs Cedric Alexander and Noam Dar. Watch the CWC finale and try to convince me Noam and Cedric shouldn’t be a team for the rest of my waking days; I dare you.
Josh: Man, these teams NEED to get away from each other. This feud has dragged both groups down to the point where its hard to care about either. The problems is that the brand is thin when it comes to tag teams,which means the only way I can see it going is for The Club to feud with Enzo and Cass while New Day has a filler feud with… The Shining Stars? Man…
Match #8 Kevin Owens vs. Seth Rollins (For the Universal Title)
KEVIN OWENS: People love to remind you that Kevin Owens doesn’t have the body of a wrestler. Wrestling fans love to remind you we don’t give a shit because he’s amazing.
SETH ROLLINS: The man who broke up the shield and then got backstaged by his foster father. He’s currently on a road to redemption.
WHO WINS:
Matt: Kevin Owens retains as god intended. Seth almost wins this but Triple H interferes once again.
Molly: Kevin Owens via AUTHORITY SHENANIGAAAAAAAANS
Josh: Seth’s face turn is going to be one of the major focuses of the brand going forward, which means you can’t have him get his revenge this early. Owens wins, possibly with more help from Triple H, and continuing to plant the seeds for the big showdown between master and apprentice.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
Matt: Seth’s face turn is fully complete and he begins to feud with Triple H building to a match at Survivor Series. As I already explained earlier, Owens will remain champion until Sami Zayn takes the belt off him at Wrestlemania.
Molly: It’s the Kevin Owens Show and it’s going to stay that way so long as I have an imagination and a laptop… And, someone to format my shit and get it on Geekscape so I never have to return to AO3 again (hello darkness, my old friend). I love that all of Kevin’s ass-kissing has paid off and Stephanie McMahon’s slow distancing herself from Seth has culminated in this feud. I hope this feud keeps going as Seth makes Roman his bodyguard (explained at length earlier in my Rusev vs Roman write-up) and they slowly turn face (well, Seth face and Roman just likable) despite most of the roster not liking them very much. Kinda like how they very much not liked the Shield at first! Kevin, meanwhile, just keeps being Kevin. I personally never get sick of his feud with Sami and if it’s over a belt, even better. But I wanna save that for further down the line, say, the Royal Rumble, when surprise return entrant Finn Bálor wants the title back from Kevin but has to go through his BFF Sami to do it. Anyone else love how much they’ve built Finn and Sami’s friendship following the draft even though they have only interacted at house shows and on social media, never on television. Kind of adorable. They’d make a cute coup- I SAID I’M NOT GOING BACK TO AO3, DAMMIT. So until the Rumble built to break my heart happens, I want to see the space filled in between then and now with matches to build the likes of Neville into a title contender. Shit, maybe have Owens face a new signee cruiserweight that got lucky (JACKFUCKINGGALLAGHER).
Josh: Rollins will keep pushing Steph’s buttons while Mick is caught in the middle. After continuously getting screwed, he’ll keep moving towards that match with Triple H, which is pretty much the same story the main event has told for years now. Kevin will keep looking like the undeserving champion, (no matter how much the crowd says otherwise), until a monster babyface like Roman or even Sami dethrones him. My bets are on the former.