Author: Shane O'Hare

Fellow geeks, I want to bring to your attention something that I believe must be heard. Last October, I attended Seattle’s ZomBCon. It was a fantastic convention filled with great guests, attendees, exhibitors and hosts. It felt like I was attending San Diego Comic Con before it got all Co-Opted by people jumping on the trendy “nerd” bandwagon. It was filled with real horror fans, there because they really cared about what they were celebrating.

Still, as much fun as I had, the organizers have released two press releases in the past few days explaining some issues that have occurred. Take a read here:

http://www.zombcon.com/2012/01/the-fate-of-zombcon-international-2012-press-release/

And the founder, Ryan Reiter, posted an earlier statement here:

http://www.zombcon.com/2011/10/an-official-statement-by-zombcon-organizer-and-founder-ryan-reiter/

As you can see, an ex-partner/employee worked to sabotage this year’s event in order to capitalize with a copy cat convention in 2012. ZomBCon is a small indie-sized convention that is mostly funded by a few individuals. I don’t work for ZomBCon (and don’t even work for their media sponsor Geekscape). I was just truly blown away by how genuinely excited the people who threw it were to be there sharing their love of Zombies and Horror with fans and celebrity guests alike. I want this info to get out so that people can see it and help save a genuine horror convention.

Please pass this around to your friends and if anyone is interested in helping to keep a great convention afloat check out their donation page:

http://www.indiegogo.com/Support-ZomBcon-International

Today, in my usual fashion, I read news that came out OVER TWO MONTHS AGO! My all time without-a-doubt-never-topped favorite movie The Rocketeer is getting a Blu Ray release this December 13th, in honor of the 20th anniversary of the film. I am so happy I could DANCE!

As you can see, I am a HUGE fan.

So besides the AMAZING news of the release, that’s all we know. The Blu Ray contains the movie and Disney hasn’t told us ANYTHING else. So what does the biggest (boned) fan of the film, what would I like to see on the magic Blu disc? COME WITH ME!

What do we want?

Literally anything at this point. You think a comic book movie made with amazing practical effects, with one single effect costing over $400,000, that features a flying man who fights Nazis would have an AMAZING set of behind the scenes footage on the DVD release. Right? Let me show you what the special features list on the DVD are:

Pretty dismal right? Not even a freakin’ commentary, and with the creator of The Rocketeer, Dave Stevens, passing away in 2008 there is no way we will ever get the opportunity to hear what this man put creatively not only into the character but this film. Seriously Disney, what the hell? This movie means so much to me. One of my earliest memories is of me and my Dad watching this on our local ABC channel one Sunday afternoon, my dad surprising me with a copy he made of it while it was on another time, and subsequently getting better quality versions recorded with better players. One of my very first PC games was The Rocketeer game. My favorite film score is, DUH, The Rocketeer, composed my James Horner. So lets continue our journey and I will weave you an image of what a proper DVD release should be like.

Production started on The Rocketeer in 1983, with the first director being Steve Miner, but he dragged his heels and his concept was said to “stray too far from the original idea”. I’m glad, because he went on to direct such shining gems such as Halloween: H20 and Dawsons Creek. We got Joe Johnston the man who helped create Yoda and Boba Fett, who admittedly PEAKED as a director on this film (sorry Captain America, you were just ALRIGHT). With screenwriters and contributors WIlliam Dear , Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo being fired and rehired over the next few years, writing and replacing the shitty dialogue the people who they were fired for and then rehired to replace. Then Disney (DAMN YOU, EISNER) sat on it for a while until they realized they can sell toys after the Tim Burton Gothic Batman and Warren Beaty Dick Tracy movies came out. 

The movie starred Bruce Campbell’s second cousin Bill Campbell, who is afraid to fly, as the accidental hero. The only thing that would make his character better in this movie is if Jennifer Lopez guest starred as a Nazi in this movie so he could get the opportunity to beat her up twice. I guess one reason I love this movie is it’s my first experience with Jennifer Connelly and her wonderful wonderful breasts. Then we have the bad guys. The sidekick Lothars character was based off the 1930’s actor Rondo Hatton who was disfigured by a disease, and was also the inspiration for the comic book character Goon. Timothy Dalton was hired to play Neville Sinclair, whom sat down with the writers and rewrote the character who was deemed “One dimensional”. How could a Nazi spy be deemed one dimensional? I can’t fucking tell. They based the actor and his movie filming sequences off of Erroll Flynn (the movie they are filming in the movie is called the “Laughing Bandit”, while at the same period in time Flynn was filming Robin Hood) who was really rumored to be in kahoots with the Gnatsies. 

The animation sequence in the movie was directed by Mark Dindal, who later did Emperors New Groove, and was almost picked up as a full time series. We can blame Terminator and Robin Hood and people thinking a Disney movie was too kiddy and kids not really jumping for joy for Nazi fights for the eventual poor box office results.

Effects in this movie were a crazy fucking assortment. The majority of the rocket flying sequence was done with an 18inch doll and weird choppy stop motion filming with a camera Disney built that was their version of the SHAKY CAM. There is an actual rocketpack somewhere that literally shot alcohol power flames around, that sound the engine makes as it’s powering down in the movie is what it actually sounds like. The one that amazes me the most is the Zeppelin crash in the end. The effect was planned by Dick Dovo who was at the Hindenburg disaster. His father was actually ON the Hindenburg, but survived. So it’s a TAD messed up to ask the guy who watched his father almost get burned up AT FIVE YEARS OLD to plan out a Zeppelin crash. They built a 12 foot model and burned it up in front of a back drop. That cost them $400,000 dollars and damn was it worth it. 

There Disney, fucking take that! Add some fluff and some music and BAM! 

What will be special features on this Blu Ray.

So while writing this, I found some amazing news that of course I missed! This summer the high def widescreen version of this film was screened at the El Capitan for Disney Club 23 members. The movie is reported to be digitally restored with a lot of keying halos fixed. Afterwards they had a panel that was hosted by Kevin Smith that Disney was filming. Then over at the Hollywood museum they had it filled with props and costumes and what not. A guy on YouTube said in the museum they had the old ancient long lost making of documentary “Excitement In The Air” playing on screens everywhere. So I believe we will be able to see both that documentary that hasn’t been seen by the public since 1991 PLUS the Q&A panel.

Most people aren’t as excited as I am, but this movie means so much to me. Growing up with a flight instructor as a father spending my summer days on an airport, the 1938 feeling the movie conveys a time of gangsters and women like Jennifer Connelly. Take that and couple it with the sentimental value of sharing this movie with my father and I am sold. So, December 20th I will own my first Blu-Ray player. I cannot wait to see Connelly in 1080p.

This year at San Diego Comic Con has been life changing for many of us at Geekscape. I myself gained new friends and lost old livers. The height of the convention for me was the presence The Aquabats! had was next level. As a devout die hard Aquacadet (card carrying member) getting the opportunity to go to their first SDCC panel, let alone INTEVIEW them was life changing.

The Aquabats! were there alongside The HUB to promote their new show, The Aquabats Supershow! Being together for almost 20 years, and having a few pilots made and fall short, It is finally time for them to get what they’ve earned and deserve.

The panel was full of super-radness and awesome forces. The room was full of cadets and new fans alike. Questions were asked, tickets to their show were given out, everyone was very happy. In usual Aquabats! fashion, evil forces showed up at the panel to foil the plans of our heroes to make kids everywhere happy. A small fight broke out, with the ‘bats! emerging victorious.

You can expect to see The Aquabats Supershow! this fall. The rumor going around was sometime in October, but nothing is set in stone yet, and that is the official word from The Hub.

Interview

After the panel, I was lead into an interview room. I could hear my heroes on the other side of the divider. I became very nervous and started to forget some of the questions I wanted to ask. After settling down and regaining my composure we all sat down at the table and began. I shared the table with 2 other media outlets, and we all began asking questions. The full interview was about 20-minutes long but I will cover some of the more important questions here right now.

Aquabats!: This is our first comic con offically as The Aquabats, we’ve been here as our alter egos before and we are very excited to be here.

Interviewers: How did the relationship happen with The Hub?

A!: You want the true story or the interesting one? Haha, we’ll leave the VH1 story out. The Hub is a new channel, they’re risk takers and the people at the top there are super creative producers. When we pitched Yo Gabba Gabba to another network, Ted Viaselli was the person who brought it to that network. When we got turned down everyone was really bummed. We all kept in contact and when Ted landed at The Hub it was great. All things worked out at the right time and the right place. Where we are right now is the best possible way for the show to happen. Its because the Hub is not afraid and are looking at new programming that other networks aren’t able to look at and bring funky ideas like The Aquabats to the network.

Shane: Are you guys going to be using your recent pilot as apart of this new series and are you going to keep the same format 50% Live action and 50% Animation?

A!: Well the last pilot will probably be going in the vault. We were able to figure out what worked and what didn’t work. It’s not gone but it has its own place. It will resurface somewhere else. The Hub wanted to see more of our shining faces. The animation will still be there but it will be slimmed down into little segments. We wanted to have a live action cartoon, make it feel like the Power Rangers but a little more wacky.

Shane: Are you guys going to have a format where each episode is it’s own story where you have a problem and fix it at the end or is it going to be full of small adventures in it like Yo Gabba Gabba. Will you guys have an over arching story line spanning an entire season or will each episode be self contained.

A!: Whoa…uhhh…Some from column A and some from Column B. You will just have to tune in each week to find out! Collect all 8 cups!

I really believe that we are about to see some amazing stuff from this joining of forces with The Hub and The Aquabats! The ‘bats want to bring joy and music and radness to kids of all ages. 

Now if the powers that be you will be able to see the full 20 minute interview here at the end of this article.

Concert

The interview felt surreal the next day. Being able to sit and talk to my heroes and finally seeing them get their awesome show was amazing. The very generous people at the Hub offered me and another tickets to the concert at the house of blues. Me and the great Ben Dunn ventured out to the show. We were greeted by Julia from the Hub. She gave us our tickets and led us into the the VIP area. Once inside we did what only what great fans would do. We got moustaches.

Once I got my bearings inside, and a drink in my hand I was able to marvel at the setup. Ice sculptures of the Aquabat and Hub logo. Giant banners of each member of the band circled the balcony. I finally realized how much the producers at the Hub really loved the ‘bats. I got a tad teary eyed seeing the great purveyors of awesome hoisted up high. Finally they have an organization behind them that fully believed in them. We found the food and sat down to watch the opening band. 

Koo Koo Kangaroo. Odd name great guys. Think the wackiness of the Aquabats coupled with great techno beats and you got these two guys. Their crowd interaction was next level. Jumping into the audience and doing dances with the pit. It was great. Then it was time, for the super hero teenaged wonderments to get on the stage. We finished out food, drinks and rushed down to join the crowd.

After a bit the ‘bats flew up on stage. I had a flash back from the first time I saw them, in that very venue a few years prior. Their first song Shark Fighter was amazing. Hearing it live and in person felt right. We danced and moshed and I lost Ben, for the first time that night, but that is for another story. New songs, old songs, strange songs and normal songs. We held up children who were riding in pool toys on the sea of people, and raced them around the room. Everything climaxed with the greatest singalong song ever, Pool Party. Koo Koo Kangaroo joined the stage as well as DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba. Everything was perfect. The band exited and I found Ben upstairs. More drinks were consumed and we chatted with the band. Greatest concert ever. I had to break up a fight though…

SO! I can check off a stack of things from my bucket list. Met the greatest band ever. Was VIP at a concert. Watched Ben Dunn get punched by Crash McLarson. So…set your Tivo for the Hub and The Aquabats Supershow!

On June 5 a travesty was committed. The MTV Movie Awards are supposed to display the BEST IN CINEMA, but in reality it was just who could pay Viacom the most in bribe dollars to get their movies chosen. I am going to show you each catagory, who was nominated, who won, why it is FUCKED UP and who should’ve won.

Best Movie

WINNER

Eclipse (2010)

Other Nominees:

Black Swan (2010)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

Inception (2010) The Social Network (2010)

To be fair, I haven’t seen Eclipse, but I can imagine it’s pretty much crap. Beating out great movies like Inception and Black Swan? I cannot think of any redeemable qualities of this movie that makes it better than ANY of these films.

Best Male Performance

WINNER Robert Pattinson for Eclipse (2010/I)

Other Nominees:

Zac Efron for Charlie St. Cloud (2010)

Jesse Eisenberg for The Social Network (2010)

Taylor Lautner for Eclipse (2010/I)

Daniel Radcliffe for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

Really?! Paper thin acting from someone who emotes less than a log won. Did these assholes even see Jesse Eisenberg in Facebook? PLUS! Radcliffe hasn’t put out a bad performance in ANY of the potter films. Can anyone else see why this is fucking stupid besides me? I blame Gilmore! 

Best Female Performance

WINNER Kristen Stewart for Eclipse (2010/I)

Other Nominees:

Jennifer Aniston for Just Go with It (2011)

Natalie Portman for Black Swan (2010)

Emma Stone for Easy A (2010)

Emma Watson for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

I am REALLY seeing some advertising dollars at work here. WHY ON EARTH WAS THIS KNOB CHOSEN OVER NATALIE PORTMAN I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND! I AM YELLING!

Best Breakout Star

WINNER Chloe Moretz for Kick-Ass (2010)

Other Nominees:

Jay Chou for The Green Hornet (2011)

Andrew Garfield for The Social Network (2010)

Xavier Samuel for Eclipse (2010/I)

Hailee Steinfeld for True Grit (2010)

Olivia Wilde for TRON: Legacy (2010)

This one is the ONLY one on this entire list that doesnt make my blood gush. It would have been nice to see the jack of all trades Jay Chou get some recognition for a great role (The man has his own piano company for christ sakes.), but Chloe Moretz showed us that she was able to go from a crime fighting badass to scary devil child. I was just surprised Xavier Samuel didn’t win this one. I guess the pop culture giants with the wallets didn’t like this guy that much.

Best Comedic Performance

WINNER Emma Stone for Easy A (2010)

Other Nominees:

Russell Brand for Get Him to the Greek (2010)

Zach Galifianakis for Due Date (2010)

Ashton Kutcher for No Strings Attached (2011)

Adam Sandler for Just Go with It (2011)

Emma Stone is “travel-accross-state-line-to-kidnap-and-force-to-marry smoking hot” for sure, but REALLY?! Does anyone think she did even a speck above Russell Brand or Zach Galifianainakanias? Just because Easy A had a giant MTV advertising campagne shouldn’t be any reason to put it above any other nominees.

Best Line From a Movie

WINNER Grown Ups (2010): Alexys Nycole Sanchez(“I want to get chocolate wasted.”)

Other Nominees:

Easy A (2010): Amanda Bynes, Emma Stone(“There is a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.” “Tom Cruise?”)

Inception (2010): Tom Hardy(“You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.”)

The Social Network (2010): Jesse Eisenberg(“If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you’d have invented Facebook.”)

The Social Network (2010): Justin Timberlake, Andrew Garfield(“… A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool?” “A billion dollars. And that shut everybody up.”)

Besides all the OBVIOUS Twilight pandering, this specific one made me puke the hardest. Not only did they choose the most AWFUL film nominated, they chose a line that was delivered by a young girl suggesting she gets WASTED. As in, under the influence. As in drunk. As in I make bad decisions and buy tickets for a White Snake concert. Just look at the lines delivered by Tom Hardy and Justin Timberlake. Powerful, dramatic and emotionful. Even fucking Amanda Bynes was funnier than the garbage they chose.

Also at this time I would like to say, Adam Sandler, what has happened to you?

Best Villain

WINNER Tom Felton for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

Other Nominees:

Ned Beatty for Toy Story 3 (2010)

Leighton Meester for The Roommate (2011)

Mickey Rourke for Iron Man 2 (2010)

Christoph Waltz for The Green Hornet (2011)

They only reason Malfoy won here is because he was the cutest, and DAMN is he cute. Take what you want from that statement.

Best Fight

WINNER Eclipse (2010/I): Robert Pattinson, Bryce Dallas Howard, Xavier Samuel

Other Nominees:

The Fighter (2010): Amy Adams, The Sisters

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010): Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Death Eaters

Inception (2010): Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Hallway Attacker

Kick-Ass (2010): Chloe Moretz, Mark Strong

Best fight…not best action scene, best fight. Why was such a great “FUCK YEAH” moment as the fight between Hit Girl and Frank D’Amico or the flashy Harry Potter passed over by a bunch of whiny, over filtered, over airbrushed Abercrombie models.A MOVIE CALLED FIGHTER LOST FOR JESUS SAKE!!!

Best Kiss

WINNER Eclipse (2010/I): Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart

Other Nominees:

Black Swan (2010): Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis

Eclipse (2010/I): Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010): Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliffe

Inception (2010): Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I want to see attractive people kiss in a movie. I want to be moved. Choosing these homely crosseyed cretens over the beuty of Portman and Kunis is just plain crucifixion. At least they picked two girls anyway.

Best Jaw-Dropping Moment

WINNER Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011): Justin Bieber(Performance Spectacular)

Other Nominees:

127 Hours (2010): James Franco(Cuts Off His Arm)

Black Swan (2010): Natalie Portman(Mutilation: Pulls the Skin off Her Finger)

Inception (2010): Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page(Paris Café Scene)

Jackass 3D (2010): Steve-O(Port-a-Potty Bungee Stunt)

Let us count the ways. Bieber was more “Jaw Dropping” than possibly one of the most uncomfortable scenes in film ever. More “Jaw Dropping” than the 2nd most uncomfortable scene in film ever. Less stunning than the amazing special effects. MORE AWESOME THAN STEVE-O?!?!

I mean, that is pretty badass

Biggest Badass Star

WINNER Chloe Moretz for Kick-Ass (2010)

Other Nominees:

Robert Downey Jr. for Iron Man 2 (2010)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt for Inception (2010)

Alex Pettyfer for I Am Number Four (2011)

Jaden Smith for The Karate Kid (2010)

This one was a no brainer. Badass and Kickass had to go hand in hand. I am ok with this.

Best Scared-As-S**t Performance

WINNER Ellen Page for Inception (2010)

Other Nominees:

Ashley Bell for The Last Exorcism (2010)

Minka Kelly for The Roommate (2011)

Ryan Reynolds for Buried (2010)

Jessica Szohr for Piranha (2010)

Honestly, I should have won this after reading this list.

As geeks we are usually ahead of the curve when it comes to cool shit. Pokemon. Video games. Large breasted elves. The next thing for us to conquer is those damn Brits. There is a multitude of wonderful television and movie adventures coming from across the Atlantic. You may have found yourself put off by some of the slang and the funny accents, but find yourself Bri-Curious.

I’m going to walk you through a few different shows that I have found in my travels that, hell if I can like then YOU should like them too!

Doctor Who

This goes without saying. It pretty much is on the geek licensing exam to like this show. It’s a rad, cheese filled adventure. Think Kirk era Star Trek but with a tad bit more special effects. A time traveling spaceman from futures-past finds himself in Cardiff in his special space machine, the Tardis, which is disguised as a 1950’s police call box. Think of a phone booth, but one that only calls the fuzz. A wonderful show that goes all the way back to the Kirk era Trek I compare it too. With 11 different actors portraying the Doctor, countless specials and spinoffs, this show will devour your time.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: If you are COMPLETELY new to the Doctor start with the first season of the modern era. Go through David Tennant and finish up with Matt Smith. Then if you fancy more, venture back to the 60’s. My progression was back to Tom Baker and then bouncing around any episodes I could scrape from either the internet or Netflix

Torchwood

A more serious spin-off of the Doctor Who series. A special undercover group of paranormal police. Think limey version of Warehouse 13. It can be very serious at times, less cheesey than DW. Written by Russel Davies, it has the same feel as Doctor Who, so it is an easy jumping off point if your only experience with the BBC is Mr. Tennants wonderful chin. 

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Just dive right in to Series 1. If you are worried about continuity and possible spoilers in Doctor Who, watch the Tennant Doctor Who first.

Top Gear

I am very biased to this show, because ITS AMAZING. The geekiest car show ever, and not geeky like “Look at this 4-barrel carburetor attached to these million valves and torques and camshafts”. They care about cars like we care about trading cards or comic books. We understand the value of the old and the new. Love to show off the best and crucify the worst. We understand why a piece of paper can have so much emotional attachment. Take that and swap books for supercars. You will easily find yourself on the couch with the sole intention of watching just 1 episode, and by 1 am you and all your friends are gathered around the TV asking you to put on the next episode. 

SUGGESTED VIEWING: They have a groove that takes some getting used too. I say jump in at Series 8 and work your way up, then go back to the beginning. This way it will get you addicted to their wackiness so when you start over, when the comedy is lighter you don’t think its just another crummy car show.

Spooks

Man, what is there to say about spooks. I personally just got caught up and finished the last episode of Series 9, everything is still FRESH. The show follows Section D of MI-5 special security services. Think, NSA. This show really is intense. It gets you worked up very easily. You find yourself honestly wishing for the brutal murder of someone because of how horrid they are as a human. The mortality of the shows stars is very apparent with main characters being killed, thrown out or put into protective hiding. You will get a sense when someone will be killed off and who their replacement it. The 2nd episode of the first series got the most complaints the BBC has every received in the history of the existence of the network.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Watch the first two episodes. Then go read the bible and call your mom.

Being Human

A show about a werewolf and vampire who move into a house together trying to be “human” and fit in with society, end up finding out their house is haunted by a ghost. On paper this sounds like a WACKY comedy from FOX, but it is actually fairly dramatic. Don’t let the crap that is the US version on Sci Fi  dissuade you from watching this. It’s great. My only contention is I wished they kept the origional cast from the pilot. With 3 series out there and another most certainly on the way, there is plenty of material to watch.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: With any Twilight fan. Show them what can be done properly with the lore.

Skins

A show adverted as how real teenagers exist in the world. Hard drugs and hot sex. I’ve only watched a handful of episodes from each series. From what I have seen is good. You’ll get an uneasy feeling in some, like the episode where the young lads venture into a Brothel and end up beating up a guy tied up to a BDSM table. I can say, as a person who was once a teenager that this isnt how most of us spend our time. I didnt get into the REAL hard drugs and sex until I graduated.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Bottle of Gin in one hand and a bag of crisps in another.

The Mighty Boosh

Man what a ridiculous show. Crazy odd ball comedy. Follows the adventures of Vince Noir and Howard Moon. From their inception as Zoo workers, then as renters to a shaman and eventually working in the shamans boutique. Its absolutely hilarious, crazy one liners and super funny situations. Each episode is a one off, the story or adventure starts and ends. The series finished on what I feel as a low note, though. They could have gone out MUCH bigger, but don’t let that stop you.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: With a load of friends who enjoy Monty Python esque humor and people you can feverishly quote the amazing one-liners with afterwards.

The IT Crowd

The adventures of a couple of guys who run the IT department for a giant company. Their office is what I dream the Geekscape headquarters would be like. You can see that these guys are nerds, and if you ever worked in tech support (like I did) you will appreciate their understanding of your hardships. You think from the first few episodes that it will be fairly systematic, but Series 2 really opens up. The first episode of Series 2 is my absolute favorite. You will find yourself screaming with laughter.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Dive right in. You will appreciate it more if you work in tech support, so go start handing out resumes and reading those A+ and N+ books.

The Snuff Box

A rough sketch comedy show staring two guys from Mighty Boosh. It is very crude, with a proper portion of nudity and cursing. The different skits are intertwined very creatively. It’s quick, only one six episode series is available, you could polish it off in an afternoon, but FUCK what a hilarious afternoon it will be. It’s hard to give you a real idea of the show unless you watch it, really. 

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Watch it with WHORES AND WHISKEY!

That Mitchell and Webb Look

Another great sketch comedy show, with sketches moving from one to the other fairly gracefully. This show really offers up some funny moments, and it all feels a little bit more mature, mainly because David Mitchell has a very Lewis Black outlook on things. The reoccurring skits are hilarious. You will be saying numberwang the next time you are asked a maths question. The best way to sum this up is with an excerpt.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Replace SNL with this. 

Spaced

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are together in what can be best described as Shaun of The Dead the TV show,without zombies. Really a funny show. Great characters, hilarious situations with a proper amount of nerd interest. It’s just about a couple of guys who are up to no good, trying to find love and adventure and enjoy some comic books while they go about it.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: With your best friend…AWE

Father Ted

A situational comedy about a bunch of priests that live out in the middle of nowhere. They share their island with a bunch of odd inhabitants. Think the Wasilla Alaska of the UK. Father Ted is a good lad, but he just gets himself in trouble. The accents in this one had me going for a minute, it takes some getting used to, but hey it won a BAFTA.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Again, with Gin.

Black Books

A quirky little show with some excellent people.Morans character Bernard is a huge misanthrope. Hates everything and doesn’t show much enthusiasm, pretty much like me. YOU HEAR THAT YOU BASTARDS, THERE ARE OTHERS LIKE ME OUT THERE! This show is paced and setup much like The IT Crowd. Odd situations with an odd viewing of how they should be tackled. 

SUGGESTED VIEWING: With a bottle of white and a pack of cigarettes. 

Trinity

I don’t know what to think about this one, I really like it. There is plenty of genuinely funny moments but I get the feeling they were trying to hard with the comedy and lost sight of the “DRAMA” part of the show. I’ll let wikipedia do this one for you.

A new academic year begins at the ancient and prestigious Trinity College, Bridgeford University, and among the new students is Charlotte Arc (Antonia Bernath), whose father Richard Arc (Nick Sidi) was formerly a student and then professor at the college. Richard left the institution suddenly some years earlier and had never explained why, and two weeks before Charlotte is due to join the college, he is found dead in mysterious circumstances. Convinced that her father’s death is in some way linked to the college, Charlotte enrols determined to try and uncover the truth.

I wouldn’t scream out and pick this up on DVD, it is really not a show to get OBSESSED WITH, but its worth the 8 episodes. Whereas Bernard in Black Books is who I actually am, Dorian in this show is who I think I am. Delicious.

The Inbetweeners

A hugely popular comedy about a group of teenagers. Experiencing their first legal drive, women, booze, clubs. Essentially a coming of age show. It is easy to place yourself in this show with your high school friends. A lot of really hilarious moments all schemed up mostly from the little one Jay Cartwright. Obsessed with sex and coming up with loads of stories proclaiming his fortitude in bed. This, is Gilmore. 

SUGGESTED VIEWING: While skipping class.

Merlin

I’m not a huge fan of Fantasy. I can’t give this show a flying colours (see that U, I did that for you Satori) because I just CANT get into it, but I know a good show when I see it. It follows the adventures of Merlin, a young sorcerer who finds himself in Camelot (yes that merlin). Plenty of “historical” figures are thrown out in this one.  If you’re into Magicks and what not this is the British show for you.

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Put on your robe and wizard hat.

Misfits

Man, what a show out of left field. I found this one I didn’t know what to think. A group of criminals are out on community service and get hit by lightning and get super powers. Pretty basic idea, but there are a lot of nice twists going on. Learning their powers. Keeping a MURDER secret. Fighting cults. And thats all in just the first series!

SUGGESTED VIEWING: Watch the first episode and then take a break. Don’t double fist this one or you may get burned out on it.

Let’s go back in time for a bit, some of my favorite older shows from the empire.

Are you being served?

A great comedy about a group of people working in a Mens and Ladies clothing department in a department store. Old school Python era comedy. It may be tougher to find this one, I’ve only come across it on San Diego PBS, but damn what a great time. The characters are all very engrossing and the situations are very funny and somewhat unique. 

*Oh, may I say that San Diego PBS has a lot of good British shows on it for some odd reason.

The Young Ones

This show is insane. Violent slapstick with crude Anarchy infused humor. They mix in odd skits, with fourth wall breaking soliloquy and suddenly they switch  musical talent. You will find that slowly you’ll fall in love with everyone of the characters. Really not much to say about this one really, its just good and unique, there isn’t anything out there like it really. You will be sucked into the mess of it. Plus, some of the music is good.

Poirot

*Authors side note. What a fine looking mustache 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? MY MOM WATCHES THIS!” Yes, she does like to watch some Poirot. It Calms her down after the copious amounts of sex I have with her.

Poirot is a show spanning many years. Still in production, it is the adaptation of Agatha Christies character from her books. Featured in such tales as “Murder on the Orient Express” and “Death on The Nile”. The show itself is a tad slow. It feeds you a little more of the plot here and there and brings you to the big reveal at the end. You think you are all caught up and know whats what, BUT NO Poirot pulls a Shyamalan and twists it up for you. A great character and a great series of stories that are timeless and are perfect for a nice day with breakfast in bed.

So that was a chore to read I bet. My mind wandering from topic to topic. Now, these are all shows I’ve found to be quite good. A good portion of them can be easily found on US airways. There is a show in there for everybody. From the hyper nerd sci-fi fan, to car enthusiast all the way down to the little old lady who loves her mysteries. So, if you’ve been cautious about jumping into some fine UK shows, for whatever reason, I hope these shows that made me really love the stuff coming out from over there help you discover something new

I invite all to comment and share their favorite shows!

We need to re-evaluate what it means to be a “Gamer”. I don’t know about you, but I have been asked countless times by different kinds of people (age, gender and race) if I was one of those, “Gamers”.

Why are we bundled into this category? Why is it such a bad thing? Why is being called a gamer by normal society a four-letter word? You don’t call someone who’s into sports “Sporter” or a music fan a “Musicer.” Film buffs and Metalheads maybe, but these are very specific stereotypes.

First, let’s see what makes a Gamer a Gamer, then we can deconstruct the different kinds of Gamers to see what needs to be changed.

For the outisder, anyone who plays any sort of video game is instantly a gamer. The kid who plays Elmo’s Word Hunt on the PC. The hardcore middle-schooler who rages over XBL when you snipe him in Halo. The hipster girl who plays Pokemon Blue on her original GameBoy. The hyper introvert who plays only WoW.

As geeks, we understand that these people are all vastly different, but they are all considered “Gamers.”

The way I see it, a gamer is someone who plays games for the sake of games. You will see them playing COD one minute, then Madden, then FF7 then at the end of the night finishing up a 2 day Warhammer 40k match. People like this exist, but chances are you aren’t one of them. I know I’m not.

So the next time your mother’s coworker sees you playing Zelda on the DS and she asks you, annoyingly “are you one of those gamers?” just say “No. I enjoy video games from time to time, but I am not a gamer”. As geeks we need to get this word out of our vocabulary as an insult. This is no longer a generic term for someone who plays video games.

Now, there will always be smaller groups of the larger hive-mind that ruin the image for everyone. The gamer community isn’t immune to this, either though. Follow me down into the dregs and we’ll see what else is wrong in this particular world.

Hardcore Single-Game Gamers

These guys and gals. They’re the ones we called HARDCORE. They play Halo all day everyday. They get the top slots in every multiplayer match they play on COD… and that’s it. Take a look at their gamer score, and it’s 800 points? WHAT?

These super hardcore gamers only have 2 games recorded. Ever. Now I don’t want to come across as a snob, but this particular breed of “gamers” are just Halo/COD/FPS of the week players. You put them in another game, say, drop them into Dragon Age, and they wouldn’t know what to do past the main menu.

“I’M A GIRL AND I PLAY GAMES TOO, LOL!” Gamers

I’m all for equality.

I could give a shit if you’re a girl and you play Gears. Whoopdie doo. Women have been to space so, if one bothers to learn her way around an Xbox, it doesn’t really astound me.

When I’m playing TF2 and I hear what I believe to be a girl, and ask “are you a girl?”… Now the 2 times I’ve done this I admit, they were attempts to troll what I’d believed to be a young boy who shouldn’t be playing an M rated game in the first place (always be weary of “girls” online… always.) What I hear back is the most miserable sound ever “WHAT IF I AM A GIRL? HUH? IM A GIRL AND I PLAY GAMES TOO, GUYS!”

Saying that to me, you automatically lose all credibility. I’m sorry. I know it’s 2011, but it’s still surprising to find “real” girl “gamers.” All girls are going to face the same prejudice they do online. It sucks, but it’s your own damn fault. It’s your fault for letting groups like “The Frag Dolls” exist. They ruined gaming for girls. Fine, you play games and you are a group. Awesome. So selling calendars, trading cards, thongs and glamour shots is what makes you a gamer? It’s titillation like this that makes guys online think you will send them pictures of your butt over XBL. If you want to be taken seriously, KILL THE FRAG DOLLS.

Doesn’t really work when it’s guys now does it? DOES IT?

(Editor;s note: For a similar take on girl gamers, from a girl gamer check out The Girl Gamer Blog)

Madden Players

This bunch is the worst. If you aren’t playing the most recent Madden release, YOU’RE GARBAGE. They are the most hateful of video game players. They call people that play video games NERDS and GEEKS (GASP!). They cannot grasp the fact they are also nerds for playing a video game. They’re geeks (sports geeks, but geeks none the less.)

A recent Skype call I was on with my friend proves this.

    * Me: Hey man where you at? Whats all that noise?
    * Him: I’m at Codys house. They’re playing Madden.
    * Me: Oh geez. What do they think of you playing Minecraft?
* Him: They’re fine with it I guess…
    * Bro1: WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING? DOOM?
    * Bro2: Nah, he’s playing Minecraft.
    * Bro1:……FUCKING GAY!

They then went on to play more Madden and continue to ridicule my friend’s game of choice.

Asian/JRPG Gamers

The most hipster of the lot. They can be seen playing strange imported games in a language they cannot read. They scoff at you when you haven’t heard of the latest edition of Satoshi Washi Smoshi Katenguro Hentai Extreme Kawaii. It’s cool you have a region free Playstation 2, but when you spend most of the time on static dialogue screens pretending to read Japanese it’s really just kind of a waste.

These are just a few of the stereotypes that really stick out to me. I’m sure you know of a couple of types of players out there, the ones that bring bad names to what you enjoy. Video games ARE art. They ARE expressions of emotions and of someone’s creativity. I want to be validated for enjoying something that is as powerful as any movie (or at least that can be.) Movie fans and music lovers get put on a pedestal for their passions. “SHIT! That guy knows his movies, he’s awesome.” “DAMN! That guy knows every rock band to come out in the 1970’s, what a badass.”

THE HELL? That guy has every gameboy game release date memorized? What A GEEEEK!

We need to get together and change what the dictionary term for gamer means. Make OUR passion just as acceptable as the dude who has every episode of the Joy of Painting on Laser Disc.

The Aquabats! are just one of those bands you can’t hate. They always try to invoke happiness to their listeners, never take themselves too seriously (which everyone should do, but thats for a rant another day.) and they can be listened to by anyone. It’s been six years since their last album. A lot has went on during those years. Members leaving and returning. Being dropped from their label. Numerous talks about disbanding forever. Then at the end of 2010 they said they had a new album ready. Aquacadets and die hard fans jumped for joy! They were going to do a release of hard copies at shows and a full digital distribution from their website. 

Excited I go to their site the day of NOT to a new album but to a note. A note saying there will be no album…I’ll admit, I started to cry. All the hype of the greatest super hero band, MY favorite band releasing new content was for nothing. The note said, by the grace of God, the nice people at Fearless records wanted them BACK! YAY! Fearless did a great job helping the ‘bats. Doing a quick printing and a lot promotions for their new album. Few months later, on a recent trip to San Diego, I sat in a parking lot of a Best Buy in downtown ghettoville clutching my copy of Hi-Five Soup!

Let’s get to this review!

As a whole this album is another progression in their “sound”. This has got the biggest sound to it. The Yo Gabba Gabba! influences are very evident in this production, who the MC Bat Commander, created. Will it be everything this Aquacadet wishes?

1. The Shark Fighter!

What a great song to start this adventure on. I think of this particular song as a send off from the Charge! sound they had back in 2005. You can hear the grandness of this album, the big choir in the beginning. The lead singer, the MC Bat Commander sounds much different. The wackiness of a man who fights sharks to avenge a past girlfriend is classic ‘bats.

Best Line: I gots me a knife. A bandana and a topaz necklace. Yeah I’m extremely reckless! I ride an otter like a motorcycle! Yeah I’m Not kidding man!

2. B.F.F.!

The Yo Gabba Gabba! is really coming out here. Still another good message for ‘THE KIDS!”. Children in the choir this time. Nice mellow, almost reggae sound. Really puts a smile on your face. The comedic inclusion of auto-tune in here in a “city call out” verse is hilarious. Hanging with your Big Friends Forever is a great song.

Best Line: I got some gigantic friends. They are like family. I take ’em with me everywhere to put heat on my enemies.

3. The Legend Is True!

Great surfer beat. Really brings me back to “Fury of The Aquabats!”. The organ/synth in here that came about during the albumless years is perfect in this song. Great piece to “skank” to. If you LOVE old ska/punk…basically first two ‘bats albums, you’ll be playing air guitar to this solo in no time.

Best Line: So when I turned my head to cry. I had to dry my eye. I saw the tortoise from the sea swimming you back to me.

4. Radio Down featuring Biz Markie

This song was the title of their LP that was released by Fearless to help promote the ‘bats. This song should be listened to while laying in a Hammock drinking a tropical drink while wearing a Bob Marley shirt. Biz Markie is a great addition to this song, his voice fits perfect with the tune.

Best Line: We wrote some song, made a record. But we had no place to go so we got some old computer parts and built a radio.

5. Poppin’ A Wheelie!

What? Am I in elementary school again? WOW! I’m on my bike! Poppin’ a sick wheelie! This is the feeling you’ll get while listening to this song. Great song to follow the slower paced Radio Down. You can tell that The Aquabats! are still kids.

Best Line: Who likes poppin’ a wheelie? *crowd mumble* OKAY! Who LOVES poppin’ a wheelie? *CHEERING!* 

6. Hey Homies!

Not my favorite song on the disk. A song about thugs giving hugs. It’s rumored that this song is making fun of ICP and the Juggalos, but this hasnt been confirmed…I really really hope its true. There is a breakdown here about the different hugs you can give. I am guilty, as I’m sure a lot of you are, giving out “The Awkward Hug”

Best Line: H is for homeys Huggin home girls who is hot. U is for you my man Can I get a hug or not? G is for… Good… hug… guy? *frustrated grunt*

7. In My Dreams!

The new reggae sound makes a nice return. This diddy (gross, I’m never using that term again) reminds me of day dreaming in 4th grade math class pretending I was the 5th member of Star Fox’s team. Down to brass tacks this is a nice love song about dreaming of a girl, with nice humor sprinkled in.

Best Line: Why do the bad guys run and hide? Just because I never run out of bullets, in my dream.

8. Just Can’t Lose!

If you ever listened to any of the older Aquabats! songs the first riff will make you get up and dance. I think so far this is my favorite song on the whole album. It’s about a boy who has a tough life, but can never lose. He got fired, but from mowing his parents lawn. No matter what he does, YOUR sister thinks hes rad. I’ve never heard the MC Bat Commander sing that high before, it makes me believe these guys wont stop making great music any time soon.

Best Line: Yeah I broke my leg but, I guess thats just my style. It’s a victory because it made your mamma smile.

9. All My Money!

The intro of this song could be mistaken for a kids car ride CD. Not a great follow up to the banger that is “Just Can’t Lose”. Some great drumming from Ricky Fitness in this one, you can really hear him shine. Remember kids, don’t spend all your money in one place.

Best Line: I bought some tropical fish for my Japanese cat.

10. Pink Pants! featuring Strong Bad

I just picture a Muscle Beach guy wearing those pink workout pants that were so popular in the 90’s listening to this song. Strongbads slight humor in this one is great, really ties it together.

Best Line: Have you ever been outside of your own conversation? Not a lovely place for you mental stabliazation.

11. Food Fight On The Moon

The intro reminds me of MSI for some reason…I guess I’m just weird. I so wanted this song to be the ender of this album. So good. Bowie and Major Tom references in this song are something that keeps the “older” fans of the ‘bats around. I suggest you sing this at your next party, a little drunk, in unison with all your pals.

Best Line: No cleanup! The Food Just floats away!

12. Luck Dragon Lady!

Songs 12 and 11 should have swapped places. A nice mellow echo chorus, the type of music you’d hear in a coming of age movie trailer when the boy and the girl of his dreams are seen laying in bed. I think Falcor makes a cameo in this one.

Best Line: I’ll bring you luck, I’ll never give up. Don’t know the way but we’ll share the cup.

Final thoughts? I am as happy as a geek can be. My all time favorite band of super hero teenaged warriors came back in a big way. The gracious help from Fearless records (go support these guys) after they got dropped from Nitro saved them. They are getting great distribution, Best Buy and Hot Topic to name the bigger stores. I am so happy new fans will get to know the GREAT joy I have with these guys. Plenty of bangers and memorable quotes, lovely album. Are they going to be number one on the charts? No. Will they be number one in my heart? 

Always.

The news is broken. Geeks you understand that actual news and information isn’t getting out there. Let me guide you through my recent experience that caused me to drink liquid anger, jump up on my curmudgeon soap-box, and shout into the night!
 
Today I was flipping through channels and CNN came on, Anderson Cooper to be exact. Enjoying the mans pretty eyes I stopped, but I was soon horrified by what I saw. His guest was an attractive foreign woman, a mix of Western European and UK accent. They weren’t discussing policy. They weren’t discussing Sudan. No. They were talking about a YouTube video of a husky whose bark sounded like it was saying “I love you”.
 
I sat there, mouth LITERALLY agape. It went on for 2 minutes, but the worst was yet to come. After the nice dark lady left, Mr. Cooper teased what was to come next.
 
“FINALLY! ACTUAL NEWS!” I shouted into the darkness. His tease was another YouTube video, of a woman who was walking and texting and fell into a fountain in a shopping mall. He said “See why this woman is on our ridiculous clip of the day, for a second time! More to come when we get back!”
 
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT‽‽‽ Is this what people consume on a daily basis? I’m glad as geeks we actually investigate stories, get our news and information from reliable sources (are there REALLY any left around anymore?) and can easily tell the bullshit from the bull…fact?
 
I think stuff like this is the reason people believe CSI is actual police work. ENHANCE! The news is just a morning zoo 90% of the time. Bill O’Reilly talking about the Kardashians (I still don’t really understand who they are, my girlfriend says they are on the picture box) or Keith Olberman talking about O’Reilly talking about the Kardashians. It is all garbage! This is the reason why we don’t have legalized marijuana and gay marriage! GEEKS! I CALL THEE TO ARMS!
 
It is our responsibility, as the intelligent masses to teach! We are lucky, we see these throwaway “viral vids” on a daily basis. We’ve all received the emails from Mom with the .WMV attachment of the same video some person somewhere ripped from YouTube. We can fix the world!

Here are some solutions I offer:

• Make showing YouTube videos on national news, illegal.
• There must be an equal amount of bias for any story offered on the show. Left or Right. Black or White. Consoles or PC gaming.
• Ticker bars at the bottom are illegal.
• C-SPAN will be on a higher/lower channel so that more people will be able to see it.
• Public broadcasting cannot have advertisers.
• Feedback and question will not be read from Twitter. No one cares what xXthugcripsraiderzXx has to say

Anyone caught violating these rules will be chemically castrated. Male or Female. (If I ever run for President, don’t vote for me…I’ll go crazy my 2nd term [Yes, I’d be elected twice])

When Uncle Joe talks to you about what the random people on Sean Hannity said about voting in Iraq, tell him hes wrong. Show him how the shoveled information he was given by the media companies is just twisted and slanted to just propagate their agendas. Tell him geeks have no agendas when it comes to news. Just the facts. When we read AP.net in the morning we double check the story.

We have a great gift. We understand how technology works. We were the early adopters of services like YouTube. We have a responsibility to teach those how to keep the delicate ecosystem of the internet safe, and AWAY from CNN/FOX/MSNBC etc etc etc.

 
If only geeks ruled the world. We’d have an actual Spiderman 3 worth getting behind. News anchors who actually understand that Grand Theft Auto does not turn children into thugs.
 
Help the world be a better place my fellow geeks. One foolishly informed Tea/Green Party member at a time.

As far back as I can remember, memes and inside jokes have been the standard staple of the geek. In high school me and my mates could be found quoting Tribes and Star Wars in the halls, constantly being ousted as “NERDS!” (please read that in Ogre’s voice. Thank You).

There is nothing wrong with embracing something with passion and fandom, but don’t take it too far. You’ll end up raping it and its value will end up that of a trade paper back of Batman: RIP. Thus where I come to my next point: ThinkGeek needs to stop.

Now don’t think I’m just picking on ThinkGeek. There are plenty of other guilty parties. But it has just become clear to me just how bad they actually are. I love the site, don’t get me wrong. Good place to get cool gadgets and toys. It’s easier to say and spell than Hammacher Schlemmer, but DAMN just look at them!

First off, we need to stop with the freaking bacon love. Yeah it tastes good. It’s not healthy, so the “Oooh, I’m bad” factor certainly is there, but Jesus let it rest. As nerds, we are way too invested in bacon’s pop culture level. Bacon cellphone cases. Bacon plush toys. Bacon flavored mints. Combat bacon. Bacon air-freshners. Bacon soap. Bacon gum. Bacon candles. Bacon scarves. WTF?! Why so bacon? I don’t know where our fascination came from, but damn this is just too much. As soon as hot topic sells bacon shirts I’m leaving this planet.

God Dammit…

Next is zombies. Don’t get me started on zombies. Good for movies, good for some games, but let it go. I know that Geekscape helps host ZomBCon, and I know It was really really awesome, but again, we as geeks are running zombies into the ground. In a bad way.

ThinkGeek has DOUBLE the zombie products as they do bacon. WOW. I can’t properly vocalize this. Read the bacon paragraph and just replace “Bacon” with “Zombies”.

See that video? SEE? I’m not a crazy loon on the sidewalk with a bullhorn. I’M NOT CRAZY!!!

I am still accepting offers of tickets to ZombCon 2011, by the way. You can mail them to me, anthrax free, at “ nathan_fillion_is_over_rated@nomorebatmanmovies.com ”

Third: cake. The cake. The cake and its existence. Sure, it was DAMN funny at the time and even brought up audible laughs for a few months after it. You could find me chuckling to myself even a calendar year after. Now though? IT MUST STOP!!!!!! It is so obnoxious that I’m breaking standard grammar rules and putting more than three exclamation points behind my sentiment. The phrase “beating a dead horse” will be replaced with “eating zombie bacon cake” in the next decade. Talk about cheapening something that was actually genuinely humorous. This is worse than the guys who said “WAZAAAAA”! YO! GLADOS! PICK UP THE PHONE!

ThinkGeek has been good with the Cake is a lie meme, but us as geeks have run it into the ground all on our own. For each Cake Is A Lie shirt that you buy, Zeus kills an Ultimate Spider-Man writer.

If you allow me to reference myself from an earlier paragraph, Hot Topic sucks. We can all agree that if anyone of us goes into a Hot Topic, you can probably find something that you dig, but the majority of the stuff that they sell is the annoying G4TV style of branding. “Look at us! We are hip and cool! *WINK* Cake is a lie!” Where was your fabricated and popular geek chic when Jonathan London was getting his head smacked into lockers in middle school? It wasn’t cool to be a geek then and it shouldn’t be hip to be one now!

As much as I love my “Cup The Puss” shirt, ThinkGeek is starting to become Hot Topic. ” No place like 127.0.0.1 ” was fun while I was taking my N+ class in highschool, but so was Star Wars Episode III. You can express your love of Internet colloquialisms in tasteful ways, but a white text on black shirt that just says “meh” is just… gross. ThinkGeek shirts are becoming the Ed Hardy of our subculture. Still, GOD are they not as bad as Jinx.com. I’m not even going to touch those digi-skull worshiping ex-Juggalos. I don’t want to be banned from GeekScape for foul language (editor’s note: can you be, fucker?).

So what do I want you to take away from my ramblings? Mostly, don’t hate me. I’m just a geek trying to preserve my culture and trying to keep it from being diluted by fakers and companies trying to cash in on my awkward years. Sit back and look. Next time you see a YouTube comment on a clip of Ace of Cakes that reads “This show isn’t real, the cake is a lie”, think back to the first time you played Portal. Think of how much enjoyment and laughter you took from the experience. Think of that next day, while you are talking to your friends and sharing moments from the game. Think of how good it was… how fresh it was. And it was yours! That sensation is worthless now because of people like you, me, ThinkGeek, xXpwnznoobzXx on YouTube, and all of the other countless people trying to cash in on memes. Enjoy what you enjoy, but use your expressions cautiously. And purchase your expressions even more cautiously, because every time you fork over a dollar to let other people know that your uncool culture is cool, it stops being yours and starts being theirs (and where the fuck were they when Jonathan London was getting his head smacked into lockers in middle school).

With the possibility of some of the ‘scapists’ favorite BBC shows being remade in the land of the USA (Being Human and Mighty Boosh spin-off most prominent) most of the die hard fans are left wondering, “How will the reverse Anglophobe in me appreciate the change?”. Well, honestly, you won’t know until it happens. Though we have some evidence as to what we can expect, and it’s not good.

First off you may be wondering “Why on earth would Geekscape, or myself for that matter, care about a car review show?”. Simple. It stars the GEEKIEST car enthusiasts on television.

Look at these men. Chances are, with all of your attained knowledge of Spider-Man story arcs or computer IRQs, you are still not as geeky as these guys. They live and breath cars. If you watch their show you can see that they truly care about their passion. Encyclopedic knowledge of dozens upon dozens upon dozens of random European cars, most of which I have yet to even know existed.

I digress though. If you’re a fan of Limey TV, then most of your favorite stars have been guests on Top Gear. You should watch it, for their sake. What I am trying to get across today, is that we have a new enemy in British entertainment. No, the RIAA, MPAA, NAACP or NAMBLA. It’s US. Specifically, the fine folks over at The History Channel. Which if you visit their site, remind you that they have run out of footage of Hitler and that history is “Made Everyday”. That is just a lame way of justifying shows like Ax Men or Pawn Stars, regardless of how entertaining they may be.

November 21st was the premier of the US version of Top Gear. I eagerly awaited the show, as I am the DEFINITIVE expert on the show. As the show started, I got goose bumps. The familiar theme song of “Jessica” by The Allman Brothers are the first things my ear stalks hear. I am excited. The hosts explains that this is a show about cars. Not dumb celebrities and how they can or cannot dance or sing. Cars. I am still excited.

Then we see the set. It’s different, but still evokes the feeling of the old British set and the warm feeling of the crowd all huddled around the hosts.

The Yankee version of Richard Hammond says “Instead of telling you about our show, how about we show you?”. I am more excited. What comes next is the familiar intense crescendo of violin music that is used in the montages from my memories. What I see though, worries me.

Copies. Direct Xeroxes of old segments and challenges. Snorkeling in a car. Bikes VS car. Car Plane Boat race. We see the familiar parking brake on a hill challenge from British Leyland episode. Amidst these images I’ve seen before, is quite possibly the most scripted and forced dialogue between hosts ever. Intentional crashes between cars (a common occurrence in the show, a vicious method of harassment of James May) but with dead emotions and bored faces delivering the lines. I am less excited.

“Hey…” I think to myself “BBC Top Gear sucked at first, they grew into the relationships, memes and wackiness. They started as essentially a clone of any show on the Speed network. Let’s just see what else happens.”. I should have stopped there.

The first challenge was another duplicate segment. If you’ve seen Episode 1 of Series 4 of the GOOD Top Gear, you’ve already seen the attack helicopter vs. car. I’d explain this version more, but I’ll just paraphrase to save you the pain. One of the hosts is a NASCAR driver, so driving a Viper is nothing much to him. More forced dialogue. A simile is made of the Viper, that it’s a woman you don’t take home to mom, film all sexual encounters with and is in-fact Pam Anderson. They desecrate a graveyard by driving through it. I’d could explain the little idiosyncrasies of this segment that are trying to be the original Top Gear, but I don’t think you have 6 hours to spare reading. I’m less excited.

After the segment, the Clarkson replicant makes a joke about still having nightmares of the helicopter and the sound of it’s rotors waking him up. I’m no longer excited. I’m borderline sick and definitely terrified of whats next.

The next part is their version of The Stig racing the Viper around the test track. A test track that looks like something The Mythbusters put together for a one episode shoot. I’m losing hope, but I’m starting to get another feeling. . . Boredom.

Next comes more forced dialogue, jokes and fake camaraderie and some poor jokes on the behalf of Buzz Aldrin, the first episodes guest. I am no longer even remotely excited. I am totally bored.

My mind starts to wander, memories of my three British friends, driving half million dollar super cars aimlessly around Europe in a hunt for a perfect driving road. I reminisce of the episode where they were chased by rednecks in the deep south as I stare blankly at these three strangers. They are now racing brand new Lamborghini’s , I really don’t know why honestly, but I couldn’t care less. I skip ahead to the end to see the ending and credits.

I shut off my monitor. Walk upstairs and make myself some tea. As my water boils, a tear comes to my eye. “What did I just watch?” I said out loud. That wasn’t the show that I fell in love with. Those weren’t the charismatic blokes I envied and admired. That wasn’t Top Gear.

Most likely the most entertaining show you will watch this generation. If you pick up Top Gear, you will be hard pressed to not keep watching. You will find yourself falling asleep on the couch watching the same episode over and over again. You revel showing the show to your peers and family. Everyone who you show it too loves it. You can see in your parents eyes as they remember their first time wanting to drive a car. They chat about that super slick mustang they had as teenagers. You being you, they ask you about the strange British colloquialisms, but by the end of the night you catch your dad saying “Rubbish” and “Quid”.

That’s Top Gear. The REAL Top Gear. Not that garbage History just threw in your lap.

My water finished boiling, I made my tea and stood in the kitchen. Feeling empty and let down. The excitement of the summer, U.S. TOP GEAR, was nothing more than an attempt at easy money.

I went back downstairs and sat my computer. Anger was my only emotion now. How did I quell this anger you ask? Well, I put on Episode 10 of Series 10. My good old pals soon were on the screen. I felt happy again. Watching them poke fun at David Tennant as he tried to drive the Lacetti around the track faster than Billie Piper.

Boredom gone.

Take my words as both a warning and a suggestion. Don’t be fooled by this horrible monstrocity. This isn’t what GOOD British television is. Go watch the guys with the funny accents talk about the Romanian Dacia Sandero, but be careful. The next time you see an American remake of a cherish British memory, remember what they did to Top Gear. We should’ve known by now, after The Beatles remake “Monkees”.