Geekscape’s Random Rants: ThinkGeek Is Ruining Geekdom
As far back as I can remember, memes and inside jokes have been the standard staple of the geek. In high school me and my mates could be found quoting Tribes and Star Wars in the halls, constantly being ousted as “NERDS!” (please read that in Ogre’s voice. Thank You).
There is nothing wrong with embracing something with passion and fandom, but don’t take it too far. You’ll end up raping it and its value will end up that of a trade paper back of Batman: RIP. Thus where I come to my next point: ThinkGeek needs to stop.
Now don’t think I’m just picking on ThinkGeek. There are plenty of other guilty parties. But it has just become clear to me just how bad they actually are. I love the site, don’t get me wrong. Good place to get cool gadgets and toys. It’s easier to say and spell than Hammacher Schlemmer, but DAMN just look at them!
First off, we need to stop with the freaking bacon love. Yeah it tastes good. It’s not healthy, so the “Oooh, I’m bad” factor certainly is there, but Jesus let it rest. As nerds, we are way too invested in bacon’s pop culture level. Bacon cellphone cases. Bacon plush toys. Bacon flavored mints. Combat bacon. Bacon air-freshners. Bacon soap. Bacon gum. Bacon candles. Bacon scarves. WTF?! Why so bacon? I don’t know where our fascination came from, but damn this is just too much. As soon as hot topic sells bacon shirts I’m leaving this planet.
God Dammit…
Next is zombies. Don’t get me started on zombies. Good for movies, good for some games, but let it go. I know that Geekscape helps host ZomBCon, and I know It was really really awesome, but again, we as geeks are running zombies into the ground. In a bad way.
ThinkGeek has DOUBLE the zombie products as they do bacon. WOW. I can’t properly vocalize this. Read the bacon paragraph and just replace “Bacon” with “Zombies”.
See that video? SEE? I’m not a crazy loon on the sidewalk with a bullhorn. I’M NOT CRAZY!!!
I am still accepting offers of tickets to ZombCon 2011, by the way. You can mail them to me, anthrax free, at “ nathan_fillion_is_over_rated@nomorebatmanmovies.com ”
Third: cake. The cake. The cake and its existence. Sure, it was DAMN funny at the time and even brought up audible laughs for a few months after it. You could find me chuckling to myself even a calendar year after. Now though? IT MUST STOP!!!!!! It is so obnoxious that I’m breaking standard grammar rules and putting more than three exclamation points behind my sentiment. The phrase “beating a dead horse” will be replaced with “eating zombie bacon cake” in the next decade. Talk about cheapening something that was actually genuinely humorous. This is worse than the guys who said “WAZAAAAA”! YO! GLADOS! PICK UP THE PHONE!
ThinkGeek has been good with the Cake is a lie meme, but us as geeks have run it into the ground all on our own. For each Cake Is A Lie shirt that you buy, Zeus kills an Ultimate Spider-Man writer.
If you allow me to reference myself from an earlier paragraph, Hot Topic sucks. We can all agree that if anyone of us goes into a Hot Topic, you can probably find something that you dig, but the majority of the stuff that they sell is the annoying G4TV style of branding. “Look at us! We are hip and cool! *WINK* Cake is a lie!” Where was your fabricated and popular geek chic when Jonathan London was getting his head smacked into lockers in middle school? It wasn’t cool to be a geek then and it shouldn’t be hip to be one now!
As much as I love my “Cup The Puss” shirt, ThinkGeek is starting to become Hot Topic. ” No place like 127.0.0.1 ” was fun while I was taking my N+ class in highschool, but so was Star Wars Episode III. You can express your love of Internet colloquialisms in tasteful ways, but a white text on black shirt that just says “meh” is just… gross. ThinkGeek shirts are becoming the Ed Hardy of our subculture. Still, GOD are they not as bad as Jinx.com. I’m not even going to touch those digi-skull worshiping ex-Juggalos. I don’t want to be banned from GeekScape for foul language (editor’s note: can you be, fucker?).
So what do I want you to take away from my ramblings? Mostly, don’t hate me. I’m just a geek trying to preserve my culture and trying to keep it from being diluted by fakers and companies trying to cash in on my awkward years. Sit back and look. Next time you see a YouTube comment on a clip of Ace of Cakes that reads “This show isn’t real, the cake is a lie”, think back to the first time you played Portal. Think of how much enjoyment and laughter you took from the experience. Think of that next day, while you are talking to your friends and sharing moments from the game. Think of how good it was… how fresh it was. And it was yours! That sensation is worthless now because of people like you, me, ThinkGeek, xXpwnznoobzXx on YouTube, and all of the other countless people trying to cash in on memes. Enjoy what you enjoy, but use your expressions cautiously. And purchase your expressions even more cautiously, because every time you fork over a dollar to let other people know that your uncool culture is cool, it stops being yours and starts being theirs (and where the fuck were they when Jonathan London was getting his head smacked into lockers in middle school).
