Impressions on Top Gear US

With the possibility of some of the ‘scapists’ favorite BBC shows being remade in the land of the USA (Being Human and Mighty Boosh spin-off most prominent) most of the die hard fans are left wondering, “How will the reverse Anglophobe in me appreciate the change?”. Well, honestly, you won’t know until it happens. Though we have some evidence as to what we can expect, and it’s not good.

First off you may be wondering “Why on earth would Geekscape, or myself for that matter, care about a car review show?”. Simple. It stars the GEEKIEST car enthusiasts on television.

Look at these men. Chances are, with all of your attained knowledge of Spider-Man story arcs or computer IRQs, you are still not as geeky as these guys. They live and breath cars. If you watch their show you can see that they truly care about their passion. Encyclopedic knowledge of dozens upon dozens upon dozens of random European cars, most of which I have yet to even know existed.

I digress though. If you’re a fan of Limey TV, then most of your favorite stars have been guests on Top Gear. You should watch it, for their sake. What I am trying to get across today, is that we have a new enemy in British entertainment. No, the RIAA, MPAA, NAACP or NAMBLA. It’s US. Specifically, the fine folks over at The History Channel. Which if you visit their site, remind you that they have run out of footage of Hitler and that history is “Made Everyday”. That is just a lame way of justifying shows like Ax Men or Pawn Stars, regardless of how entertaining they may be.

November 21st was the premier of the US version of Top Gear. I eagerly awaited the show, as I am the DEFINITIVE expert on the show. As the show started, I got goose bumps. The familiar theme song of “Jessica” by The Allman Brothers are the first things my ear stalks hear. I am excited. The hosts explains that this is a show about cars. Not dumb celebrities and how they can or cannot dance or sing. Cars. I am still excited.

Then we see the set. It’s different, but still evokes the feeling of the old British set and the warm feeling of the crowd all huddled around the hosts.

The Yankee version of Richard Hammond says “Instead of telling you about our show, how about we show you?”. I am more excited. What comes next is the familiar intense crescendo of violin music that is used in the montages from my memories. What I see though, worries me.

Copies. Direct Xeroxes of old segments and challenges. Snorkeling in a car. Bikes VS car. Car Plane Boat race. We see the familiar parking brake on a hill challenge from British Leyland episode. Amidst these images I’ve seen before, is quite possibly the most scripted and forced dialogue between hosts ever. Intentional crashes between cars (a common occurrence in the show, a vicious method of harassment of James May) but with dead emotions and bored faces delivering the lines. I am less excited.

“Hey…” I think to myself “BBC Top Gear sucked at first, they grew into the relationships, memes and wackiness. They started as essentially a clone of any show on the Speed network. Let’s just see what else happens.”. I should have stopped there.

The first challenge was another duplicate segment. If you’ve seen Episode 1 of Series 4 of the GOOD Top Gear, you’ve already seen the attack helicopter vs. car. I’d explain this version more, but I’ll just paraphrase to save you the pain. One of the hosts is a NASCAR driver, so driving a Viper is nothing much to him. More forced dialogue. A simile is made of the Viper, that it’s a woman you don’t take home to mom, film all sexual encounters with and is in-fact Pam Anderson. They desecrate a graveyard by driving through it. I’d could explain the little idiosyncrasies of this segment that are trying to be the original Top Gear, but I don’t think you have 6 hours to spare reading. I’m less excited.

After the segment, the Clarkson replicant makes a joke about still having nightmares of the helicopter and the sound of it’s rotors waking him up. I’m no longer excited. I’m borderline sick and definitely terrified of whats next.

The next part is their version of The Stig racing the Viper around the test track. A test track that looks like something The Mythbusters put together for a one episode shoot. I’m losing hope, but I’m starting to get another feeling. . . Boredom.

Next comes more forced dialogue, jokes and fake camaraderie and some poor jokes on the behalf of Buzz Aldrin, the first episodes guest. I am no longer even remotely excited. I am totally bored.

My mind starts to wander, memories of my three British friends, driving half million dollar super cars aimlessly around Europe in a hunt for a perfect driving road. I reminisce of the episode where they were chased by rednecks in the deep south as I stare blankly at these three strangers. They are now racing brand new Lamborghini’s , I really don’t know why honestly, but I couldn’t care less. I skip ahead to the end to see the ending and credits.

I shut off my monitor. Walk upstairs and make myself some tea. As my water boils, a tear comes to my eye. “What did I just watch?” I said out loud. That wasn’t the show that I fell in love with. Those weren’t the charismatic blokes I envied and admired. That wasn’t Top Gear.

Most likely the most entertaining show you will watch this generation. If you pick up Top Gear, you will be hard pressed to not keep watching. You will find yourself falling asleep on the couch watching the same episode over and over again. You revel showing the show to your peers and family. Everyone who you show it too loves it. You can see in your parents eyes as they remember their first time wanting to drive a car. They chat about that super slick mustang they had as teenagers. You being you, they ask you about the strange British colloquialisms, but by the end of the night you catch your dad saying “Rubbish” and “Quid”.

That’s Top Gear. The REAL Top Gear. Not that garbage History just threw in your lap.

My water finished boiling, I made my tea and stood in the kitchen. Feeling empty and let down. The excitement of the summer, U.S. TOP GEAR, was nothing more than an attempt at easy money.

I went back downstairs and sat my computer. Anger was my only emotion now. How did I quell this anger you ask? Well, I put on Episode 10 of Series 10. My good old pals soon were on the screen. I felt happy again. Watching them poke fun at David Tennant as he tried to drive the Lacetti around the track faster than Billie Piper.

Boredom gone.

Take my words as both a warning and a suggestion. Don’t be fooled by this horrible monstrocity. This isn’t what GOOD British television is. Go watch the guys with the funny accents talk about the Romanian Dacia Sandero, but be careful. The next time you see an American remake of a cherish British memory, remember what they did to Top Gear. We should’ve known by now, after The Beatles remake “Monkees”.