‘Fire Emblem: Three Houses’ Makes Death Mean Something

by Josh JacksonOctober 18, 2019

Warning: Minor Three Houses spoilers! Turn away if you want to go into this three month old game blind.

It can’t be said enough. Fire Emblem: Three Houses is one of the best games of 2019, if not the year’s finest. It serves as a true evolution of the franchise, adding a slew of social mechanics such as a calendar system, more ways to interact with the supporting cast and more side activities than you’ll care to take part in. This is on top of the game improving on the battle mechanics set forth by the fantastic Shadows of Valentia while presenting three different story paths that offer drastically different outcomes. But while the decision to make the main character a professor at a military academy seemed like a risky one on paper, this is where the soul of the game shines through. Because the opponents you fight aren’t just your run of the mill bad guys; they’re your students.

Despite the game forcing you to choose a house fairly early, which determines the student body you’ll teach as well as the story paths available to you, taking advantage of the social mechanics allow you to get to know and even recruit most of the kids from the other houses. Even if you don’t end up luring them to your class, getting to know them opens up a series of scenes where you can have heart-to-hearts, giving you the chance to learn about their motivations. On occasion, students from other houses may even assist you on missions, appearing with advanced classes that show their growth as soldiers. Even though Byleth, your self-insert main character, doesn’t have a direct hand in teaching them, it’s still rewarding to see them grow alongside your own students, who you’ve likely developed a strong attachment to at this point. This is only furthered by anonymously acting as a counselor to help them through their insecurities, having lunch with them at the dining hall, hosting or attending seminars with them or standing side by side during school festivals. While school life is dangerous as you take on thieves and bandits every month, these days feel like bliss as you learn from your kids as much as you teach.

Sadly, in typical Fire Emblem fashion, a catastrophic event at about the halfway point of the story shatters the foundation of the school, plummeting the region into a war that pits the titular three houses against each other for the right to rule over their shared land of Fodlan. While the academy sections still exist, the tone is drastically different. What used to be classroom lessons have become war room meetings, devising strategies meant to develop the skills needed to crush their enemies. What used to be mock battles have become fights to the death, as each of your wide eyed kids have now grown into battle hardened fighters who you’ve trained to prepare for days like this. Then the time comes to hit the battlefield, and as your opponents arrive…

They’re your former students from the other houses. They’re the professors you once stood on the same faculty with. In one path in particular, they’re the students from the house you once took under your wing. They’re no longer nameless, faceless bad guys that you won’t think twice about killing for the greater good. And when it comes time to clash on the battlefield, it’s absolutely gutting.

During my Golden Deer playthrough, I did my absolute best to avoid former students, wanting to avoid killing the people my Byleth shared so many memories with. War doesn’t afford that luxury, because while it is possible to complete main objectives without killing students in some cases, more often than not, the students would attack us before we could avoid them. Slaying these kids one by one as their leaders mourn their deaths alongside the player gives these fights the gravity that is usually lacking in even the most pivotal Fire Emblem moments. It brings no pleasure to win these fights, with the victory music upon leveling up almost feels like it’s mocking you as if killing those close to you is worthy of praise. Even the students at your side will lament on the horrors of having to oppose those they once called friends, often leading to some heartbreaking moments. For example, Dorthea, a Black Eagles student that I had recruited to the Golden Deer, shared this bit of dialogue after her former classmate, Ferdinand, was killed in the previous battle.

In fact, Dorthea might be the best example of the effect the war has on the player. This happy-go-lucky girl who’s biggest concerns are being able to sing and finding a suitor turns into a defeated, melancholy young woman who is being crushed under the weight of her sadness. This is the drawback of only being able to recruit some students, since you’ll inevitably be faced with pitting classmates against each other. This naturally leads to many more scenes like Dorthea’s, showing your students coping with death in their own way. With so many different combinations, it creates scenarios that feel unique to your individual story, making it common to see players sharing agonizing experiences that others never saw. Moments like these that brought a sense of dread to the story that I couldn’t look away from, which is why the game has stuck with me long after finishing it

There are ways to avoid this fate to an extent. Recruiting students to your house before the war breaks out keeps them with you, removing opportunities to kill them in the future. However, due to the nature of the recruitment system, it’s impossible to save everyone you want during a single run. If you have a strong enough relationship with students you never recruited, you might be able to speak to them on the battlefield and have Byleth convince them to defect without unnecessary bloodshed, but the characters that this is possible with are few and far between. Even then, there are some that are too closely tied to the conflict to convince, making their deaths necessary to advance towards victory. Others never appear during the war to begin with, implying that they had died long before having the chance to reunite. It sucks.

Oddly enough though, this is what drove me to keep playing after my initial Golden Deer run was complete. I led Calude and his band of misfits to the Fodlan throne, but I didn’t want them to be the only ones who got a happy ending. Despite sinking close to 70 hours into the game for a single run, I gladly set out on my next 70 to see what directions Byleth’s leadership would take Dimitri and the Blue Lions, the house that was unceremoniously dispatched my first time around. Only this time, I can carry over my relationships from before, allowing me to save my Golden Deer kids long before they’re ever in danger. It’s this attachment that makes Fire Emblem: Three Houses so powerful. Enemies are former friends and you have the power to ensure that they can find a happy ending when any other game in the series would make you see them as battlefield fodder. Even Fates, a game with a similar premise where your enemies are characters close to you, didn’t allow much interaction with the opposition once you choose the side of the war you’ll stand on. Not only does Three Houses allow this, it sets it up for the first 35 hours of the game, making the last 35 hours so much richer as a result.

What aspects of Fire Emblem: Three Houses stood out to you? Were there any characters that you refused to kill, or that sunk your heart when it was time to fight them? Or do you just want to discuss the game as a whole? Let us know in the comments!

The Room Part 1: Why I’ve Never Seen The Room (In Defense of the Rest of Bad Cinema)

by SaintmortDecember 10, 2017

This weekend I saw The Disaster Artist and while I think it was a well made movie with good dramatic and comedic moments, it didn’t speak to me like it has for many others. It just felt like it wasn’t made for me which is weird because of my love of “So bad its good” cinema but not that weird since I’ve never seen The Room.

Yes, you read that correctly, I’ve never seen The Room. The man who hosts a podcast specifically about watching garbage films has never seen the so-called grand-daddy of them all. Many people find this shocking and to a certain extent I suppose I do too. Allow me to explain why I’ve avoided this film for over a decade.

The first big reason is because I’ve met & hung out with Tommy Wiseau on two different occasions. Neither time did I find him fun or charming. He struck me as an egotistical and cruel diva. This personality trait I believe they captured quite accurately in The Disaster Artist. The sheer fact that he is praised as an important cult figure has always rubbed me the wrong way because of these two interactions and for that reason I’ve always avoided the film.

I will say that it’s possible that I caught him on bad days. I have one friend who HATES Mick Foley because of a bad experience the only time he’d met him. Everyone else I’ve ever encountered who has met Foley has had nothing but kind words about him. So I’m open to the possibility it could be wrong place, wrong time. However if you can track down the episode of Geekscape from approximately 6 years ago you’ll see a lot of my issues.

The second reason is how I first really “saw” the movie. It was between my first and my second encounter with him. My friends showed me a very long (approximately 40 minute) episode of Nostalgia Critic about the movie. I’m not a fan of nostalgia critic, he seems like a good guy but his comedic style doesn’t really work for me. It’s basically the same reason I prefer the slightly less screamy We Hate Movies and Flop House podcast over How Did This Get Made. Angrily yelling everything doesn’t equal comedy for me.

Shortly after this, I would encounter someone (friend or stranger) quoting this movie at me damn near every week. It almost reminds me of how for a few years I just couldn’t watch Napoleon Dynamite because I had been overwhelmed with “your mom goes to college” and “numchuck skills” quotes.

Which leads into my final issue and really the main focus of this. There’s no way to say it without coming off like a hipster douchebag so I’ll just say it; It’s the most Mainstream version of “So Bad It’s Good”. It’s the Rocky Horror Picture Show of “It’s So Bad It’s Good”. It’s the Smells Like Teen Spirit of 90’s countdowns. It’s The Beatles. It’s all of those things.

That doesn’t make it a bad thing. I love all of those things. I adore the Beatles, Smells Like Teen Spirit is still a great song and Rocky Horror Picture Show is a blast. My problem is that So-Bad-It’s-Good films are a passion of mine. They’re something I adore, I love showing them to people, I love tracking them down and owning them.

Imagine if you encountered someone who exclusively listened to The Beatles, and only the Beatles, but claimed to be a music expert. Imagine someone who claimed to be a fan of Nirvana but only knew that single song. It’d be frustrating as hell.

The second we declare something “the best” anything; the search tends to end. The Room may be fantastic but is it the best? In a world full of Troll 2, Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Sleepaway Camp is it truly the best of the worst? That’s even just sticking with the more mainstream stuff. There’s some incredible and rarely talked about piece of cinema garbage.

Killer Workout has been one of my more recent loves. It’s a bafflingly film that’s more complex and confusing that necessary. There’s Nukie, the borderline unwatchable E.T. rip off. What about Invisible Maniac in which our titular character chucks someone to death with a hoagie (Something that has been a constant joke on the previously mentioned Flop House podcast) or The Guyver in which Jimmy Walker is grossly miscast as a rapping alien. The Uninvited … a film about a killer mutant cat puppet loose on a cruise ship is also a strong contender. Even this week on Shock Waves podcast the film The Evil Within was mentioned and sounds like a very promisingly terrible film. Don’t even get me started on Belly of the Beast starring Steven Seagal.

Don’t just be content with a poorly made drama from a mysterious and self-absorbed person. Explore what’s out there. Maybe instead of watching The Room for the 50th time, examine a film like S.I.C.K. (Serial Insane Clown Killer). And I? Well … I’ll stop bitching about a movie I’ve never seen and will finally watch it. This is just Part One. Tune in Next Week. I’ll be watching The Room for the first time and writing my thoughts.

Stay Tuned

Geekscape Editorial: ‘Yooka Laylee’ & Setting Expectations

by The_aczApril 18, 2017

The highly anticipated Yooka-Laylee finally released a week ago, and reactions have been. . . . . . mixed. Many argue the game doesn’t live up the hype (little games do due to most of them being overly anticipated). This has people split arguing for or against the game. I went in with what was probably a mindset most people didn’t think of, and after a couple of days of playing, I’ve come to a conclusion. Before reaching that conclusion however, I thought I’d share my expectations that I set, so that when or if you play the game, you can get a good understanding of the expectations you should have before playing this. Let’s get to it then!

One of the first things to take into account when setting expectations for Yooka-Laylee is to take a look at the budget of the game. If you’re going into the game expecting it to be as big and sprawling as Banjo-Kazooie or Tooie, then you might want to re-adjust those expectations because the game is relatively small. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing since the game is still plenty of fun with some pretty big worlds and clever secrets.

Yooka’s budget is relatively small. Even with the Kickstarter funds and support from Publisher Team 17 to help out with stuff like a physical release and advertising, it still doesn’t compare to Banjo. Banjo’s budget is immeasurably higher having to take inflation, the number of times the game changed, and Nintendo’s funding of the game into account. There’s also the fact that Yooka was made in Unity, which is a fairly simple 3D engine, so it’s not going to have the exact look or feel as its predecessor. As a result, it’d be expected that the game wouldn’t have nearly as many worlds and even as many collectibles as Banjo would.

The next expectation to set might cause a bit of a stir at first, but just follow me on this, This is not Banjo Threeie. Yes, Yooka-Laylee was pitched on the premise of being a Banjo Successor, but not the fabled Banjo Threeie that people love to fantasize about. I can guarantee you that nothing that is present in Yooka was planned at all for another Banjo game. Why am I so sure? Well, whether or not people want to accept it, Banjo Threeie already exists. It’s called Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts, and the history of the title is pretty clear. Rare even made a nice little video a year or 2 ago finally shedding some light on the title. Playtonic spent 2 years developing this title creating a brand new world, characters, and gameplay and I’m sure the last thing they want people to think is that all of that could easily be switched out for a more known I.P.

The last expectation I want to set is that this isn’t the exact same team as the original Banjo crew. Don’t take this as a negative, the people associated with Playtonic have done some fantastic work and have anywhere from 1 to 3 decades worth of making games for the company, but not all of them come from Banjo or Conker. One of the biggest missing pieces for Playtonic is Gregg Mayles, The creator and main level designer for the Banjo series. Yes you have your Chris Sutherlands and Steve Mayles who are very well known for being on the Banjo team, but then you also have very talented people like Justin Cook and Dean Wilson.

These guys are very talented artists who have worked on some of the most interesting Rare titles like Kameo: Elements of Power and Viva Pinata, but often get overlooked due to the internet’s over reaction of the Microsoft buyout and labeling it as “The bad era.” So while this isn’t 100% person by person the original team that crafted Banjo, that’s again not to be taken as a bad thing since the people still there are extremely talented, some even coming from other companies like Rocksteady (Batman Arkham Series) and Supermassive Games (Until Dawn and the LittleBig Planet Series). Below is a beautiful piece of Yooka artwork by Dean Wilson who designed one of the 5 worlds in the game, Glitterglaze Glacier.

At the end of the day, I’m writing this not to discourage or encourage you to play or not play Yooka-Laylee, but what kind of expectations you should have set going into the game. You can read as many good or bad reviews of the game as you like, but knowing what mindset you have entering the game can make a huge difference. I hope this article has been helpful for you,and most of all, like the games you’re going to like.

‘Mafia 3’ Is 2016’s Biggest Gaming Tragedy

by Josh JacksonJanuary 10, 2017

Sequels often have the well earned reputation of being more of the same, rarely treading new ground while instead opting for something stagnant. Mafia 3 goes in the opposite direction, shifting its focus from a Godfather inspired crime story about a grunt’s rise through the ranks of organized crime, to a man’s quest for revenge against the Italian mob for killing those he called family. As a former member of the black mob in 1968 New Bordeaux, (a not so subtle take on New Orleans), Lincoln Clay has more than just criminals, assassins and the most ruthless bosses the city has ever seen. He also has to deal with the horrors of segregation, institutionalized racism, and a section of the city that sees him as less than human based on his skin color.

Mafia 3‘s setting, story and acting are some of the finest I’ve ever seen in a game, with an amazing soundtrack that places you right in the era. But more than any game I can think of, it does its best to take full advantage of the interactive medium, placing us in an ugly period of American history and making us feel the anxiety of what it means to be an “other” in such a hostile environment. Yes, the game pales in comparison to the feeling in real life, but being put in the shoes of a character going through these experiences was eye opening as I pushed through this tale of vengence. Traversing black neighborhoods leads to people greeting you and wishing you well, while whispers of what that “boy” is doing here can be heard from the NPC’s in the white neighborhoods. Missions that require you to enter certain buildings that are marked as “Whites Only” will lead to the police being called to attack and arrest you in the same way as being caught fighting or shooting would. Committing crimes in white neighborhoods will also result in the cops responding much faster and aggressively, while they might not even show in the bayous occupied by the poor black citizens. Encounters with the KKK, underground “jungle fights” where whites gamble on black men fighting, and the justification of murdering black men via talk radio segments round out everything you need to know about the world Mafia 3 creates, which is one I’ve never come close to encountering before.

To top off the period piece that the game works towards being, the story is framed as a documentary. Cutscenes flash back and forth between present day versions of characters you interact with in the main game explaining the events you’re about to play, and playing as Lincoln carrying these events out. Whether or not he ends up as a savior or a monster depends on your choices towards the end, but every twist and turn that takes place justifies each possibility. Each character feels like they could have been a real person, adding gravitas to the events that create your story. This leaves us with the most unforgettable campaign I’ve ever played, possibly ranking as my favorite narrative after 25 years of gaming.

But the real tragedy comes with the fact that despite the top notch presentation, the meticulously crafted recreation of 1968 as a black male, the expert voice acting and its overall uniqueness, Mafia 3 isn’t a very good game. Missions are repetitive, essentially filling its 30 hour play time with the same six or so missions repeatedly. The amount of bugs I came across were appalling, which ranged from enemies getting stuck in the environment to my map becoming a giant white line and textures completely vanishing. I also don’t think I got through more than two hours at a time without the game completely crashing, kicking me back to the Xbox One home menu before having to sit through the very long initial load screen. The AI is as dumb as it can get, with stealth missions dominating the game when patrolling guards will literally line up to “investigate” the guy who was stabbed two feet in front of them, only to walk into a knife in the throat. Lather, rinse and repeat. That’s Mafia 3.

And you know what? That’s horrible. Because everything that was so great about the game deserves better than what essentially amounts to an even glitches and more drawn out retread of the original Assassin’s Creed. So I’m not going to dance around the issue. Mafia 3 is one of the worst high profile games of the year from a pure game play standpoint. It feels unfinished, clearly needing a few more months to add more content and fix up the technical issues. If you’ve read my previous reviews, editorials and lists, you know that game play is what matters most to me, since without that, the story might as well have been a movie. But despite these issues, I urge anyone reading this to give the game a chance anyway, even if you put it down long before the credits roll. Running around New Bourdeax alone is worth your time. Even outside of the main story, moving around in this environment is a truly valuable form of interactivity in a way that no other game before, which I hope starts a trend for designers to use games to help us visit more realistic depictions of our history.

It’s just tragic that the first game of its kind has to play so bad.

Geekscape Editorial: ‘Miitomo’ 2.0 Update, Why It Failed & What Future Nintendo Mobile Games Can Learn

by The_aczNovember 11, 2016

Remember Miitomo? For about a month in March, Nintendo’s very first mobile game swept IOS and Android devices by storm. Then it just died, but why?

The biggest reason was mostly due to the fact that the game was very basic and nothing more than a glorified question simulator. Sure it was fun the first couple of times to answer some question, hear your opponents answers, and even make your Mii curse up a storm, but eventually the novelty wore off and the game failed to really incentivize players to keep the app on their devices. Now with a little over 10,000,00 downloads, Nintendo is now adding a “big” update to the game in order to win people back. Is it worth talking about, or should you just hit ignore? Let’s find out.

At the core of Miitomo’s new update, there are 5 new features that are being stressed. The first is the ability to now send private messages to your friends, and honestly, there is nothing interesting about this at all. It’s very underwhelming, and your better off just actually PM’ing your friend on Facebook Messenger or Discord if you want to talk to them.

Feature number 2 adds the feature to finally customize your own room. This feature even gives you the ability to hang custom posters in your room whether it be a Miifoto or any picture from off the internet. While this feature may sound miles better than the previous one, it still ends up being incredibly disappointing. Customization is limited to only wallpaper and flooring, and right now posters are only limited to one as so far there aren’t any means to unlock more. While there are some cool themed walls and floors you can get (Metroid Zero Mission, Super Mario Bros., Zelda Breath of the Wild.), those are the only ones worth while as the other walls and floors just seem very bland and boring. Feature 3 introduces a new location called Style Central. Here you can upload your current outfit for all to see online. You can even buy the outfits that other people are wearing if you like them (sometimes). While quite charming at first, immediately becomes a boring novelty. Sure at first it’s fun to see characters dressed up like Steven Universe, and Gravity Falls, but after about a minute of exploring, you’ll quickly grow tired of the endless supply of Undertale and Steven Universe Characters ( I mean I love Steven Universe, but come on guys there’s just too much there).

Oh, and about being able to buy other outfits. I said sometimes, because there will be times when you can’t buy a certain item due to it only being available in Miitomo Drop. So you either have to spend Coins/Money on multiple tries, or worse, wait for that event to go back into the minigame. Another interesting idea, but poorly executed.

Feature 4 introduces Answer Central, which is just as boring as it sounds. All you do here is look at randomly chosen answers from other peoples randomly chosen questions. There honestly nothing to talk about here. You’re just looking at random peoples answers. It’s even more boring when half of the answers are just blindly praising Nintendo for for making the app. You can get an interesting answer, but they are few and far between.

The 5th and final “feature” to the game comes in the form of Mii sidekicks. With this, you can now make multiple Mii’s which can now be used to send private messages, be sent to Style Central, and even get their own room to customize. This is by far the most useless addition to the game since you’ve already been able to add more Mii’s to your game by importing QR codes. It feels like an afterthought. It’s as if they really wanted to boast 5 new features but couldn’t think of a good 5th one.

In the end, Miitomo fell victim to the fate of all mobile games. Hollow content with no incentive to continue playing, but it didn’t have to be this way. I believe that if they try hard enough, Nintendo could rule the mobile market with an iron fist. Now, with Super Mario Run just around the corner, here’s what their future mobile games can do to make sure they’re a success!

1: Make sure all features are fully fleshed out

I know I know. This sounds super weird and obvious, but hear me out. Miitomo’s biggest problem in my opinion is that the game has some really interesting ideas to it, but all the features feel unfinished. Room customization is cool, but only being able to change the walls and floor is pretty boring. Why can’t I choose what furniture appears in my place, and how come I can’t put a poster just in the middle of a wall? Nintendo, if you’re planning on having the mobile version of Animal Crossing just be some watered down version of Animal Crossing: Happy Home Designer where all you do is move furniture and collectible figures, I implore you to not do that. No one wants to play that.

2. Use a variety of I.P’s, not just the current popular ones.

Nintendo has always had this bad habit of over exposing their I.P’s once they become popular. We saw this with both Animal Crossing and Fire Emblem. AC suffered the worst a very bare bones decorating sim that was Happy Home Designer, and an abysmally depressing microtransaction slog that was Amiibo Festival. After so much exposure in such a small amount of time, people begin to grow bored of the same I.P’s, which is why so many people were attracted to Splatoon a breath of fresh air. Maybe instead of using Fire Emblem, you could use Advanced Wars. Instead of Animal Crossing, try using the Donkey Kong Country characters! There are so many other characters you own that could breathe new life on mobile. Doodle Jump esque Ice Climbers game anyone?

3. Go paid, not Free to Play

Another suggestion that sounds insane, I know. While yes, a free app will initially attract more people to a game, the game will struggle with keeping those same people if they can’t get people to pay for in app purchases. While it seems like Super Mario Run will be a paid title, I think the smartest thing to do is keep future titles that way also. I know it was announced a couple of months ago that Animal Crossing and Fire Emblem which were originally scheduled to be paid games, ended up making the jump to F2P. I say switch back to the one time payment. If you can create a fire emblem experience on phones that’s just as good as the 3DS, and you’re not charging people $5 every time you want a fallen ally revived, word of mouth and positive buzz can sell the game alone!

Yes, Nintendo may be struggling a bit in the mobile space right now, but I believe that by following this advice laid out for them, that they could truly rule over their own mobile empire. Only time will what happens, but here’s hoping for the best for the company I love.

What The Hell Is Wrong With Konami? ‘Metal Gear Survive’ And The Dangers Of Being Out Of Touch

by Josh JacksonAugust 17, 2016

The big news coming out of Gamescom this morning seems to be the reveal of Metal Gear Survive, the first Kojima-less Metal Gear title after the very public split between the famed creator and his overseers at Konami. A quick look at the trailer leaves no question as to why the reaction so far seems to range between “lol Konami”, and “something something franchise killer”. We all know that Kojima was known for introducing some ridiculous scenarios into his games, but I would imagine that even he would laugh at the concept of taking the survivors of the attack on Mother Base and inexplicably sucking them into an inter-dimensional portal, placing them in a post apocalyptic wasteland where they’re forced to fight hordes of zombies. Yes, that’s the premise.

Currently sitting at nearly 30,000 dislikes on IGN’s YouTube page in less than 12 hours, it’s safe to say that after thoroughly killing any goodwill the company had with their fans courtesy of crowd pleasing moves like cancelling Silent Hills, removing the PT demo from the PlayStation Store, preventing Kojima from accepting an award he earned for his work, and turning some of their beloved franchises into pachinko machines rather than produce new games, this latest reveal isn’t going to win back anybody. Almost approaching parody levels of absurdity, it’s hard to imagine how anyone would have green lit a game in a franchise as big as this and take it in such a wildly different direction. But when we stop and think about how not only Konami, but the entertainment industry as a whole handles the concept of audience demand, should we really be surprised?

Oh, what could have been…

Watching this trailer for the first time, it felt like a checklist of what an out of touch executive would do when conceptualizing a game. Let’s see, zombies are still popular, right? Mad Max and Fallout are big! Why not place it in a barren, desolate space? Let’s have a group of no-nonsense soldiers take them down like it’s no big deal while we’re at it. But most importantly, new IP’s are way too risky. I know! Let’s slap Metal Gear Solid on the title and watch it fly off the shelves! We can even reuse assets to save some money while recouping cash on the money sink that was MGS V!

I mean, what could go wrong?

The worst part is that the people in charge will never look in the mirror and realize that they’re the reason for these failures, and we see it time and time again across the entertainment spectrum. Nintendo is going through a similar issue with Metroid Prime: Federation Force, a game that plays just fine on its own. But thanks to their own tone def assertion that making it a Metroid game would build enthusiasm is likely going to ensure that the promising multiplayer title will be dead on arrival. Why? Because the company decided to take a franchise that hasn’t seen a new game since the widely panned Other M in 2010, one that they’ve teased sequels to for years thanks to the rumored Metroid Dread, only to never deliver. What we’re left with is a light hearted spin-off that has next to nothing in common with its main games. While drastically different side games aren’t a bad thing on their own, how can you dangle a carrot in front of your fan base for so long, then be surprised at the backlash when you bait-and-switch them?

As many gamers will tell you, Nintendo has a history of making head scratching decisions such as this, ranging from self fulfilling prophecies like forcing fans to scratch and claw for “risky” games like Fatal Frame, only to run next to no advertisement for them, to the Villager amiibo being among a set of high demand figures that they didn’t deem popular enough to take away shelf space from Mario and Link, creating a huge scalper market for the figurines. This is despite the fact that Animal Crossing: New Leaf is currently sitting at number six on the list of best selling 3DS games of all time, (and might have been higher if they didn’t include each version of Pokemon as one total). You know what sold nearly six million fewer copies? Zelda. I’m no CEO, but this is *THEIR* data! To Nintendo’s credit, they finally restocked it exclusively at Toys R Us in the States about a year later, with a whole line of Animal Crossing figures and cards showing that they finally acknowledged what was right in front of them. The only way they could realistically claim that they didn’t anticipate demand is if they don’t read their own financial reports like the rest of us.

You got any of them Villagers?

This lack of foresight and these reactionary decisions aren’t isolated to the gaming industry either. I’m sure we don’t need to be reminded of how the Suicide Squad film was allegedly re-shot to include more humor after the success of Deadpool. An ironic prospect when you remember that Fox’s project had its own set of challenges when its creators had to fight for the film to be true to the source material with an R rated action flick, reportedly due to studios refusing to believe that a violent, vulgar superhero could sell tickets. Even Marvel, as great as they have been in recent years, isn’t immune to this disconnect. When Sony’s email leak revealed that CEO Ike Perlmutter was seemingly supplying “proof” that female led superhero movies are traditionally failures, he cites Catwoman and Electra, apparently placing the blame on them featuring female leads while ignoring that these were both critically panned. On the flip side, based on the advertisements, the Ghostbusters reboot sold itself almost entirely on the fact that it was led by an all female team, as opposed to the merits of the film itself. Turns out, that wasn’t enough.

I’m sure this had more to do with Electra‘s failure than Jennifer Garner’s vagina.

The examples are seemingly endless, from Capcom’s storied history to Lego Dimensions and the recent reveal that Supergirl will be exclusive to reissues of last year’s starter pack, leaving early adopters in the dust. But will these companies learn their lesson? Probably not. It’s much easier to fail when your job security doesn’t rely on making good decisions, especially when you can pass the blame down to your subordinates. In Konami’s case, I’m sure they see Metal Gear Survive as their saving grace. The game that will prove that they don’t need Kojima to carry on with their biggest franchise. It has everything that’s popular mashed together, and the tens of thousands of dislikes will be attributed to being from “haters” and “trolls” who will buy the game anyway. And naturally, when none of this happens and Survive ends up flopping, the obvious takeaway will be that fans have lost interest in the Metal Gear franchise. Not that their decision makers have no idea what their doing and are out of touch.

Oh well, there’s always pachinko!

Geekscape Games: 6 Ways Nintendo Can Improve ‘Miitomo’

by The_aczApril 8, 2016

Miitomo released about a month ago, and it’s become a huge success. Reaching over a million downloads in just 3 days during their japan only launch, and then reaching 3 million downloads during its U.S Launch just goes to show how many people Nintendo’s little mobile game that could is reaching, but while all of us do enjoy it, there are things that could better or added to make the game even more fun. That’s what I’m here to ramble on about. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the top 6 things that Miitomo can do to improve itself!

#1: Ability to Like Comments

Now I know this one sounds weird, but hear me out. We all love striking up a conversation with friends and sharing photos, but there ends up being a time when a friend will post a reply or picture that you really enjoy, and would like to show others, and being able to like comments would help me keep track of some of those favorite comments. I know you can favorite entire conversations, but sometimes a full conversation can be a bit boring with only some specific parts that stand out.

#2: Expand on Contests

Since Miitomo launched in japan, we’ve seen the introduction of Miifoto contests, a way for Japanese users to get really creative with their Miifotos. We have yet for this to happen in America. Now I’m not just suggesting that they add photo contest, but instead expand on it. How about being able to win a 5 game tickets for 3^rd place, 5 game tickets and 1,000 coins for 2^nd, and 10 game tickets and 3,000 coins for 1^st. You could also throw in special promotional stamps to encourage people to at least enter. Not only would this motivate people to start experimenting even more with Miifoto. Having that much money would allow you to buy some excess clothes for the month as well as well as the #3 item on this list.

#3: Decorating Your Mii’s House

Oh yeah. I bet you could see this one coming from a mile away. Since this game is so similar to the 2014 3DS game Tomodachi Life, many people (including myself) have been asking Nintendo to add the option to be able to buy new themes and decorations for your room. When you first start up the game, you’re given a randomly selected room, but the problem with this is that unlike a lot of other things in the game, this feels the least personal. This is a big problem since everything else is so customizable. So why not personalize one of the most personal things? Open up a furniture shop where you can buy misc. stuff like beanbag chairs, TV’s, Nintendo related items, wallpaper, etc. The possibilities are endless!

#4 & 5: The Compatibility Tester & Rankings Come Back

Yet another feature that can return from Tomodachi Life is the ability to use a compatibility tester to measure the love between 2 Miis of your choice and a rankings chart to see where you measure up with your friends. I know it seems a bit strange and maybe a bit unnecessary to add these, but a little always goes a long way. Just the thought of having a rankings chart for how many times you’ve changed costume or perhaps most candies used would be a small, but fun feature to see. Even most questions answered would be cool to see. Say, that reminds me.

#6: More Questions

The 6^th and final wish is a simple one. There’s no doubt about it that asking you and your friends questions is the main meat of Miitomo, but if you’re addicted to it just as much as all of us here at Geekscape are, chances are that you’ve already burnt through a lot of the questions and are starting to see repeats by your friends. There were times when no joke, my Mii asked us the same question about what I had just done twice in a row. I’d love to see Nintendo add more seasonal questions. Questions like: “What is your favorite Summer blockbuster this year” for summer, or even: “What’s your favorite part of Thanksgiving?” during Fall.

There’s still tons of untapped potential for this game, and I’m sure everyone wants to see it succeed and go on to live a healthy mobile life where it’s still relevant and fun to play by next year. If Nintendo really listens to fan feedback and implement new features such as these down the line, I have no doubt that the game can remain just as fun and relevant in the future as it is now. What features do you think they should add? Comment below, and have a great day!

Geekscape Editorial: Will ‘Gravity Falls’ Ending Change How Long Animated Shows Run?

by The_aczFebruary 20, 2016

After 4 years, 40 episodes, and a whole lot of hiatuses, Gravity Falls has finally ended.

Ever since it premiered back in 2012, the show has exploded into popularity due to how different it was from most animated shows. It’s not very often that you see a network as big and restrictive as Disney release a continuity heavy series in the vein of shows such as X files and LOST, and have it animated no less! It was a very risky move by the network, but it ultimately ended up paying off as the show instantly soared to the top of the charts becoming the highest rated show in the network’s history. This is why a lot of people (including myself) were surprised at the initial announcement that the show would be ending due to creator Alex Hirsch wanting it to have a finite ending.

This got me thinking, Could the ending of Gravity Falls influence how long other shows last? Call me crazy, but I think it can. According to Hirsch the show was always planned to have a concrete beginning, middle, and end. He also talked about how he didn’t want it to pull a Spongebob or Simpsons where the show overstays its welcome, or a Sym Bionic Titan where the show is prematurely cancelled before it get’s a satisfying conclusion. While Disney may be disappointed watching the show end, I believe their acceptance in letting it go (see what I did there) could have an impact on other shows.

Perhaps the ending of the show could inspire other series such as Steven Universe and Star Vs. the Forces of Evil that they should also have a concrete ending in mind. This doesn’t just have to influence current animated shows, but also future ones. Somewhere, there could be a future animator out there right now attending CalArts that could have been given the re-assurance by Gravity Falls, showing that it’s ok to make a short animated series, but still have it be loved and successful. Heck, Gravity Falls isn’t really the first show to prove this either.

Just 2 years ago, Patrick Mchale’s series Over the Garden Wall did the same thing. Mind you, that was just a miniseries, but the audience reception to it surprised everyone, including Cartoon Network themselves. In fact, it was so successful that it inspired the network to pick up another show for a miniseries. This is how Sean Szeles Long Live the Royals came to be. You can never know the fate or popularity of a show until you take the risk.

In conclusion, while it may be a bit too early to see whether Gravity Falls ending on its own terms could shape the future of other shows, I believe that it can and will. I think that we are approaching an age of animation where we’ll start seeing creators getting more control over the distribution and length of their shows. Not just that, but we’re entering an age of entertainment where we will see more creative control being given to the creators, and it all starts with an ending.

Five Comic Book Movies That Desperately Need Remakes

by Shawn MaddenJune 17, 2012

So, with us getting reboots to a number of franchises I decided to look at five properties that could really use a reboot (as well as the status of each property). Alright, lets start it off!

5. Fantastic Four (2005)

That trailer started off so good looking. And then we hit the 30 second mark and it is all downhill from there. This movie could have been great but turned into a giant joke. I don’t blame the actors because they tried their best and weren’t horrible (with Chris Evans being the best of the bunch playing a great Johnny Storm) It was just the cheesiness of this movie and the constant bad humor that really ruined it. Well…that and just not being interesting at all. A pretty “meh” movie that led up and impressive fight against a far from intimidating Dr. Doom led fans to toss this on their “worst” lists. But worry not true believers…a reboot is already in the works (after Fox apparently learned how to do a comic movie right from ‘X:Men First Class’ ) with ‘Chronicle’ director Josh Tranks name (yes please) linked to it.

4. Spawn (1997)

Let me start off by saying by no means do I consider ‘Spawn’ one of the worst comic movies. Quite the contrary! For its time it was pretty damn good. It had a cast that pulled off their roles well and a sweet soundtrack. People criticized it for being “overwhelmingly brutal, dark and cynical.” Aka what we love to see these days. So, if it wasn’t a bad movie then why is it on the list? Because of the advancements in movie making technology in the past 15 years since its release. Just imagine how much cooler a ‘Spawn’ movie would be coming out nowadays? And they could definitely go darker like the comics versus the “lightened dark” that the ’97 movie did. Now while McFarlane has been talking about making a new movie for awhile…McFarlane has been talking about making a new movie for AWHILE. We will see if it ever actually gets into production.

Side note: you could bring Michael Jai White back to reprise the role and i’d be okay with that.

3. Witchblade (2000)

Man…was this bad. I watched this and walked out of the room half way through. So, i’m thinking some of you may not be familiar with the Image title that this is based on so let me give you some info on it.

The series follows Sara Pezzini, a tough-as-nails NYPD homicide detective who comes into possession of the Witchblade, a supernatural, sentient artifact with immense destructive and protective powers. The weapon has bonded with various other women throughout history, the most recent being the series’ former co-lead, Danielle Baptiste. Others who have come into contact with the Witchblade include Cleopatra and Joan of Arc. Sara struggles to hone the awesome powers of the Witchblade and fend off those with a nefarious interest in it, especially entrepreneur Kenneth Irons. She also struggles to maintain a personal life.

Thanks Wikipedia. But for real…this TV movie/series sucked in comparison to the comics. I’m just going to leave it simple like that. And it looked nothing like the comics or even really attempted to. A remake has been in development ever since 2009 when a teaser poster popped up on the internet. However there hasn’t been much development since then minus IMDB having a Witchblade movie listed as coming out in 2013. We’ll see on that one.

However this teaser poster does look to be more true to the comics and Michael Rymer (Queen Of The Damned, Battlestar Galactica) has had his name attached to direct.

2. Swamp Thing (1982)

This fan-favorite film is one of DC’s titles that is rumored to be getting a reboot that desperately needs it. I saw the movie as a kid and thought it was cool. Then I saw it years later and wanted to slap younger me for ever thinking that. No disrespect to Mr. Craven because he did the best he could at the time but just like ‘Spawn’ this movie truly needed the current technology and can be a great film if done right. Aka follow current Snyder Swamp Thing…thanks. This film is currently on the backburner with Joel Silver (way too man films) producing, Akiva Goldsman (A Beautiful Mind, The Da Vinci Code) writing and Vincenzo Natali (Cube, Splice) set to direct. The film got put on hold as of May so Natali can pursue other projects.

1. Daredevil (2003)

Well…here is another one where i’m definitely not blaming the actors at all. Affleck was pretty good. Farrel played a great head case. Garner was useless. The real problems here were the piss-poor costumes, romantic sub-plot that wasn’t really needed in a first film and the god-awful need to include some alt-rock soundtrack versus a score. Daredevil is definitely a movie that needs a score being that he’s a blind man using sound/sonar. Sorry but I would be pissed if I was Matt Murdock and you threw on Nickleback. Facepalm one.

The movie did capture some of his conflict with his Catholicism and I thought that was great and the action wasn’t horrible. But this movie (and especially with current series success) really needs a remake. While the Directors Cut was better than the one we got in theaters, by no means was it a great enough improvement to make me ignore the bad parts of this flick. Currently David Slade (30 Days Of Night) is attached to direct but we’ve really heard no news on it in awhile and it could end up in film limbo like many other projects. Hopefully we will get some news on this one soon.

Runner up: Generation X (1996 – Made for TV movie)

Until today I never knew this was made. I wish I still didn’t. Scratch that. Let’s forget this thing exists and just wait for the sequel to ‘First Class’ and the rumored ‘New Mutants’ movie instead. Face palm two.

What Went Wrong?

by JonathanMay 25, 2008

Despite the shoe-in of a spectacular box office performance, the reviews have spoken loud and clear. This is not a review. This is an analysis.

The long in development Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull delivers more misses than hits. A lot more misses. The film has three things that work strongly in its favor: Harrison Ford’s performance, Stephen Spielberg’s camera and the story’s pacing. Cate Blanchett’s performance as the Soviet villain Irina Spalko is a plus, but the treatment of her character in the film’s script is so unfair and flaccid that we are left with is one of the top acting talents on the planet swinging for the fences with the equivalent of a rubber hose. In the instance of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I do not hate the players. I completely loathe the game.

WARNING! SPOILERS FOLLOW FROM HERE ON OUT! AND NOT JUST REGULAR SPOILERS, BUT HARDCORE SPOILERS THAT WILL GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES! READ ON ONLY IF YOU’VE SEEN THIS FILM!

The lethal problems in this movie might be numerous, but they all stem from one place: the script. Below I’m going to work through what I believe to be the most dead end problems with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But let’s be very clear on two things first:

Monday Morning Quarterbacking is always easier than committing the act itself. During the course of a film’s production, the shooting script is worked and reworked countless times and for countless reasons, none of which we will ever be privy to. Budget, acting, physical complications, the list is endless. Add to that the constant reworking and adjustments that happen during the post process and who knows where this script could have gone. The only thing we are left with is what is on the screen. Knowing that, I’ve limited my criticisms and solutions to the larger aspects of the story instead of nitpicking things that could easily have been production or editing decisions.

Second thing: out of the four of us, Stephen Spielberg, George Lucas, screenwriter David Koepp and me, THREE have made some of the greatest films of the past four decades. ONE is a fledgling video director who does a podcast from his couch. I am not saying that I am a better storyteller than any of these three. Put me in the shoes of any of them and the pressure on my head would be the equivalent of standing at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Stephen Spielberg is… I’m not even going to quantify him. It’s a ridiculous gesture. George Lucas is a storyteller so powerful that he gave us all our childhoods… and then took it all away. He once was quoted as saying that making an audience emote was easy. You give a little girl a pet and then you take it away. He did this to us over the course of thirty years! And David Koepp brought us the scripts to Jurassic Park, Spider-Man (and my personal favorite Toy Soldiers) among so many others in his incredible career that listing them would be like listing a lot of people’s favorite blockbusters list.

So now that we have our perspective on the players and the game, let’s begin. This is not a review of the movie. This is an analysis. And because I don’t run a website where we throw stones at other filmmakers from behind the defense of keyboards, I have provided what I think are solutions to some of the story’s biggest problems. Please, use the comment section below to agree or disagree with my points. They may or may not be any more valid than the opinions voiced during the production of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull aka The Most Heartbreaking Film I’ve Seen Since The English Patient For Reasons Other Than Those In The English Patient… Frustrating Reasons That Leave Me Cold At Night Wondering “What Could Have Been?”.

First things first: The Three Biggest Problems

The Diluting of Our Hero – Harrison Ford owns the role. Always has. Always will. That being said, the presence of several “side-kicks” in this movie takes attention, time and, more importantly, work, away from our hero. As in the past three films, we want to see our main guy earn his victory. The more you give screen time and attention to other characters (who provide varying degrees of anything) the less Indiana has to do on his own. Everyone loves the shots of Indiana Jones standing alone in silhouette. This is why. It’s one man against an army. Raiders of the Lost Ark‘s very first shot provided this and in one shot an icon was born. The Paramount Pictures logo dissolved to the looming sight of a tall mountain peak… but it was soon dwarfed in the frame by the sight of our hero… and he was headed towards it with determination. In one shot, Raiders gave us more information about our protagonist than is provided in the opening sequences of Crystal Skull. Already, things are not looking good.

The Flaccidity of Our Villains – This has nothing to do with Cate Blanchett being a woman. It has to do with the fact that Crystal Skull gives us zero context or urgency to our villains. There is an end goal in sight (to deliver the crystal skull to its rightful place and inherit vast powers) but we never learn what a Soviet victory will really cost. We get a few lines about mind controlling the populace of the United States but we never see these powers ever materialize or on display. The threat is never literalized for us in order to give us that “holy shit, that’s bad” moment. No hearts are ripped out. No armies march. And even worse, Spalko spends the entire movie bluffing. Several times she threatens characters with her rapier skills and supposed psychic powers. We never see her deliver on either and the more she cries wolf, the less we believe she’s capable of anything. By the end of the film, she delivers no tension whatsoever. Giving us the equivalent of Keystone Cops as villains works even further in diluting Indiana in our eyes. Of course he’s going to win! They’re not as ruthless as the other villains were!

The Lack of Stakes – This is the ticking time bomb that drives the story. And the bomb is diffused in the very first scene. The villains are chasing the crystal skull… but they need our hero to use it. In Crystal Skull, Indiana Jones does something he has never done in any of the previous three films: he pursues the wrong goals for the wrong reasons. In Raiders he wants to keep the ark from the Nazis. But not keep its power for himself. In Temple of Doom, Indy wants to recover the stones for the villagers. In Last Crusade, Indiana finds the Holy Grail but makes the choice to leave it and not benefit from its powers. In Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Jones retrieves the all powerful skull… and then does exactly what the villains would do: he takes it to see what happens when the power bestowing legend is fulfilled. Literally, all Indiana Jones needs to do is tell the Soviets to get lost and the threat is gone! For the majority of the film, he’s in possession of the skull! Why does he lead the bad guys towards their ultimate goal? What is really driving him? If the goal is to stop the villains, once the good guys are safe… why don’t they just take the skull on vacation? I would take pictures in exotic locales with the crystal skull and mail then to Stalin with the words “you snooze you lose” written across them. There’s a brief moment where Indiana and his son need to rescue Professor Oxley and this is a sufficient driving force… but once we get there the guy is jumping and dancing around! He’s not tied up! He’s not tortured! He’s on a scout retreat in the Amazon! Come on! Where are the stakes!?! These are the Reds we’re dealing with! Give the action in the film a larger context and then set the bomb ticking! This problem really leads back to the diluting of our hero and our villain.

So let’s set things right. Let’s make the version of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull that we want to see! So where do we start? Well… at the beginning of course:

The Nevada Desert Compound Sequence – Up to this point, things can still be made good. We’ve had our villains kill some army soldiers (good so far!) and a gag with a prairie dog that alludes to the first three films’ intros. This gag works great at first but it never gets paid off so it becomes more infuriating over time than it is satisfying. No, the biggest problem with this opening sequence is that two things happen that are huge: our villains ask Indiana Jones for help and Irina Spalko bluffs for the first time. Already our villains are put at the mercy of our hero and we’re starting to see that our main baddie is full of shit when it comes to delivering on the pain. What we need is something that will establish them immediately as people not to be fucked with and that they will find what they are looking for whether Jones helps them or not (the difference being that they’ll let him live… like anyone would ever believe that!).

Solution – Irina Spalko runs Mac through with her rapier once Indy protests helping.

Bam! Now we’re not fucking around. In one move, the story has established how far the villains are willing to take things (at the very least) and we’ve eliminated a superfluous character. I love Ray Winstone, but Mac really hurts the overall story with his character’s moral fence sitting. Over the course of the film, he forces the audience to like him, then hate him, then be confused by him, then frustrated and ultimately apathetic towards him. By the time he dies in the closing scene, Mac means nothing to us or, more importantly, Indiana. Even worse, Jones’ inability to put his foot down and take a stance against his former friend distances us from our protagonist. Does anyone feel anything for Indiana when we watch Mac die in the end? No. By making this one change, we have given Indiana’s choices emotional weight (the loss of a friend) and something more valuable… a kickass villain. From here, Indiana can begrudgingly help the Soviets while he (and the audience) ponder ‘damn… how am I going to get out of this one?’ This starts our clock ticking. At the end of the sequence, when we finally see Indy escape and standing victoriously against the expanding mushroom cloud (in a throwback to and escalation of the Raiders mountain shot) we won’t be able to avoid thinking ‘okay, this is going to be harder than anything he’s faced up to this point’. Plus, the villains have what they wanted and they’re ruthless! He’d better get around to stopping them.

The FBI, University Sequence – The story stops and we lose sight of the bigger picture: the bad guys just got what they were after! Where’s the urgency? He’s teaching classes! Oh no. He lost his job! Come on! Am I in Crazy Town?!? THE BAD GUYS GOT WHAT THEY WANTED! WHY!?! Indy’s apathy towards this fact stops the story in its tracks. What’s this guy doing?

Solution – He’s a scholar. They’re not. Indy returns to the University for either help or answers. Dean Charles Stanforth has already dealt with the feds and breaks Indy the sad news of his resignation. Wow. Whatever this is about… it’s pretty big. In a much better exposition than in the film, Indy would naturally turn to his father… but now we learn that he’s no longer with us. Maybe he can find them elsewhere.

The Introduction of Mutt Williams – Funny that this sequence takes place on a train because this is where the movie starts to really derail. Shia’s Mutt Williams never stood a chance. He comes off less like The Wild One and more like The Mild One. He rides in with a blasé attitude and keeps it up for the first half of the film. This is an adventure movie. No one should be introduced sitting down unless they’re total wimps (and poor Mutt comes off as exactly that)! The following scene… it’s contagious! He AND Indiana are now sitting down! Come on! Spit it out! There’s some rescuing to be done! Some Soviets to be stopped!

Solution – “Mutt” (shudder) races onto the train in search of Indiana. He’s desperately looking for him. His avoidance of the train conductor and staff show us that he’s smart and resourceful. He knows what Indiana looks like. He finds him on the train but not without causing a commotion with the ticket taker. You want a throw back to the original films? Why not have Indiana save “Mutt” (shudder) from a ticket taker claiming that “Mutt” (shudder) broke onto the train and has “no ticket”? At that point, the Soviet heavies in pursuit of Indiana further complicate the altercation and lead into the motorcycle chase. You can bet Indiana, who just got swept into someone else’s problem, would be wondering “what this is all about”. Cue exposition from Shia! But now you are getting it during our chase scene! So it works in service to the action and story rather than at the expense of it. The story isn’t put on hold while he spills the beans. It’s unfolding around them. On top of that, throw in some disagreements about “Mutt”s conducting of the escape (Indy’s done this a few times) and you start to establish the character’s disapproval of each other while getting some better laughs.

All in all, Mutt’s arch was written away from Shia Lebouf’s strengths. He’s a much better actor than this arch gives him room for. And the solution is also easy: start him out as a loser. The first time we see him he looks like a guy who doesn’t think his shit stinks. He ends as a guy who doesn’t think his shit stinks. It’s just not believable unless we see the transformation for ourselves and see it proven for us. This is what Lebouf does, people!

Disturbia – starts out as a loser and then saves the day.
Transformers – starts out as a loser and saves the planet.
The upcoming Eagle Eye (from what I can tell from the trailer) – starts out as a broke loser and then needs to figure it out quick (I’m guessing in order to save the day)!

We love seeing Shia do this time and time again in movies. Why not give him that kind of arch here? Why not start him off as “Mutt” (shudder) and end him as the TRUE heir of the hat and whip (with an actual name)? Is he even the right actor for this? The way Crystal Skull unfolds, we’ll never know. Here he comes off as completely inadequate. Does he save anyone during the course of the film? Uh… no.

Wait. Rubber snake. Never mind.

I’m going to pause for a second to ask: WHY WAS THE MOTORCYCLE BROUGHT ON THE PLANE!?! DID ANYONE THINK THIS WAS NOT ONLY POINTLESS BUT RIDICULOUS?

Okay. I’m good.

Graveyard Sequence – These warriors have protected the burial site of their ancestors for hundreds of years! But hit them with a shovel and make one swallow a poison dart and they go away for good. Whatever.

Solution – They chase Mutt and Indy into the tomb… but are stopped by something unseen. We actually see them refuse to take one step further out of fear for something terrible happening to them. They are religious protectors of the tomb! And they fear something even greater within the tomb. But our heroes will go for it! Will they ever!

Here’s a big missed opportunity. Especially in continuing to develop Mutt and Indy’s relationship. It’s obvious that Oxley didn’t remove the crystal skull from the tomb… but why? There’s a lot of importance given to the concept of “return” in this part of the script… and the audience is never told why. There should absolutely be a price paid for Indy and Mutt removing the skull… and we know just the price don’t we?

A GIANT TRAP!!!

How awesome would it be if removing the skull, like removing the idol in Raiders, set off a sequence of traps that Indy and Mutt needed to escape together? What a completely missed opportunity to build on themes from the first film without all of the nostalgia gags that already dragged down this script? How great would it be if Mutt asked Indy to throw him the whip, and then DIDN’T betray him? How much would Indy learn from this one moment? How much emotional weight would we have gained on both their parts? Oh man. A guy can dream. This one really hurts.

The Soviet Camp and the Powers of the Crystal Skull – This scene should be called “Liar Liar Pants on Fire”. Everyone is lying to each other. Mac. Spalko. Indy. The lying is out of control. Spalko has the chance to do something terrible here and doesn’t. Oxley is introduced… but we feel nothing.

Solution – Indiana is forced by Spalko’s psychic power of the crystal skull to kill Oxley.

But it doesn’t fully work! How great would this scene have been? Spalko’s not bluffing! She has powers! The skull has powers! Oh crap! Now we see JUST HOW BAD THE SOVIETS WINNING CAN BE! On top of that… we see that Indy is even STRONGER! He fights Spalko’s control but his nose starts to bleed and he begins to choke Oxley. Then he hears Miriam scream in the background and his willpower doubles. He breaks the psychic control and gets to work escaping with the skull, Miriam, Oxley and Mutt. Lots of punches get thrown. Alright. Now we’re rocking.

The Quicksand Sequence – Okay. The Soviets officially suck. While they are Keystone Copping around the jungle, Indy, Miriam and Mutt are YELLING at each other just on the other side of a bush. The exposition is painful and the scene’s lack of action or urgency is even worse. I think this is another missed opportunity for not only laughs, but some action.

Solution – The Soviets are in hot pursuit and Miriam saves Indiana. Oxley and Mutt work to buy them more time. Now you can get just as much exposition if not more between Miriam and Indiana. Plus, you get even more history. You give Oxley and Mutt something to do with possibly comedic results. And of course, the Soviets get to them and capture them. These aren’t the losers we saw in the actual film. They mean business.

The Chase Sequence – One problem: monkeys.

Solution – No monkeys. This sequence wasn’t just bad. It was insulting.

The Fire Ant Fight – Here’s where some story problems really get worse. The crystal skull becomes a cure all problem solver. The heroes can use it to as a cure all without any need to devise a solution themselves. There’s a major difference between Indiana fighting a physically superior opponent against the threat of an exploding plane and a dangerous propeller and Indy fighting a stronger opponent and simply having to sumo with him. First one out of the circle loses… badly.

Solution – King of the hill! How great would it be if the ants were racing Indiana and his opponent up a tree, in a tree or up a small hill? Now the ants work as your ticking clock, adding the same urgency to the fight as the exploding plane in Raiders. On top of that, light the other end of the tree or hill on fire and you’ve got a rock, a hard place and a solution to the ants… if only Indy lives long enough to get to it. As the two ends start to converge on each other… Indy had really better in this fight quick.

The Waterfalls – Really?!? Okay. We can believe them surviving two. But that third one? Uh uh. You just told the audience that your main characters were invincible (and amazing swimmers). If that third waterfall doesn’t kill them, what’s a Ruskie going to do?

Solution – Jump ship! Indy is always jumping out of things that are going over cliffs or headed towards disaster. This boat should be no different. By having he characters work together to avoid being killed, you’ve got yourself a pretty good action sequence. It’s not major, but it’s similar to the mine car and airplane raft landing scenes in Temple of Doom. Add to this, the Soviets in pursuit in their own motor vehicles, firing away at them and things get really stressful for our main characters. Stress = good.

The Race to the Golden Temple – Here’s another creepy and cool sequence completely neutered by the cure-all of the crystal skull. All Oxley does is wave the skull around and the natives WHO HAVE DEFENDED THE TEMPLE FOR CENTURIES start stammering and hanging out in the background like the bad guys in kung fu movies. Well, that was easy! Oh yeah: easy = bad.

On top of this, all of them are killed OFF SCREEN by Spalko’s troops. Wait! You mean this lady actually does something ruthless!?! FINALLY!?! AND WE DON’T EVEN SEE IT!?! Oh man. That’s not good.

Solution – Run faster. And then add Russians. And give the Russians the skull.

Here’s a lesson I learned from Jean Claude Van Damme (among many lessons that I learned from Jean Claude Van Damme). His enemies always had an easier time at achieving their goals than he did. Why? Because they cheated! And he didn’t! He just kicked ass harder! This always made the stakes and tension go way up.

The crystal skull is a giant cheat. I hated how much it was used to solve problems in this movie. But guess what? In my version, Mutt loses it in the first temple. It gets rocked out of his hands by a sling. And they can’t turn back for it. All they can do is race to the golden temple. The Russians though, strolling in after the action and hard work has been done, retrieve the crystal skull. Spalko uses it to manipulate the natives and gain entry into the temple that our heroes have found refuge in (after racing their asses off and doing some puzzle solving to get into).

So now you have the set up for the final act. Spalko has the skull and obvious psychic powers. Our heroes? Well, they’re kind of between her and her goal. And somehow they need to stop her from getting it.

You can put in whatever finale you want. But keep the aliens. I like the aliens. They work for me.

I would also use the final action sequence to resolve the Indiana/Mutt storyline and provide the real passing of the torch. Mutt should come off as a hero and redeem all of his screw-ups in the film. He should also say goodbye to Oxley. Yup. In one final act, poor Oxley eats it. Use your imagination. But make it good, make it heavy and make it meaningful. Like Bruce Willis in Armageddon meaningful. And make sure it buys the three remaining heroes the time needed to get away before the temple buries them and the spaceship “returns” (is that what they were talking about the whole time?).

In the end, Mutt gets a real name and decides to finish school (anyone else wonder where that story thread went?)… but only if Indy makes an honest woman of his mom and stops “running off”. This sets up the wedding and resolves the story completely… or at least until the next adventure looms.