scottevil | Geekscape

The 15 Best Cannibal Movies (That Aren’t Cannibal Holocaust)!

by scottevilSeptember 25, 2015

Eli Roth’s long-awaited cannibal flick The Green Inferno hits theatres tonight, so of course I thought it’d be appropriate to list off some people-eating-people movies that may not spring to mind as quickly as the film Roth is aping – 1979’s Cannibal Holocaust. Skip the popcorn and grab one of those plastic bibs, this might get messy.

15) Soylent Green

The obvious first choice when you’re hungry is a big helping of Soylent Green. If you’ve been living under a rock since 1973, you may not know this, but the secret ingredient is people. Shocking!

14) Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUyEaYxTI2U

Human meat is a central theme in all of the TCM films, but especially so in the second installment. The current ruling member of the hungry Sawyer clan, Drayton, mixes people parts with other animal parts to make his award-winning chili. Totally ridiculous and over-the-top, this one is more about what they could get away with than how scared they could make you.

13) Motel Hell

“It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters!”

If you’re wondering, most of those critters are people planted up to their necks in a “secret garden” and fattened up foie gras style. If the last film didn’t make you swear off Slim Jims, this one might.

12) Cannibal! The Musical

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86rxyJMXv5o

Before hooking up with Matt Stone and creating South Park, Trey Parker wrote and starred in a musical about eating people. Thrill to the song and dance produced by consumption of human flesh, and laugh at the horror of it all. There’s gold (and half-eaten skeletons) in them thar hills!

11) We Are What We Are

It’s sort of a spoiler to put this one on the list, but yep, family of cannibals. I mean, it’s heavily implied from the very first scene, so I don’t feel bad dropping that bomb here. This is the American version, adapted from the Mexican original, which borrows heavily from the Donner Party (much like Cannibal! The Musical) and the legend of Sawney Bean.

10) Ravenous

Another tale of murder and the other white meat during the U.S.’s early days. Wendigo lore, some black humor and a drunk David Arquette make for a wholesome viewing experience. I bet that stew they made was delicious.

9) The Road

If the movies mentioned so far haven’t been sufficiently bleak for your palette, take a bite of The Road. Viggo Mortensen and his son spend 2 grueling hours evading cannibalistic gangs in a post-apocalyptic America; Guy Pearce shows up later on after apparently surviving Ravenous. Who knew? This is not what I’d consider “lighter fare,” so come to this one ready to dig in.

8) The Hills Have Eyes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edn5EzHXVBU

Didn’t get enough roaming cannibals in need of a bath yet? Then Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes should fill you up. Less bleak than Last House on the Left, it still leaves you with a similar feeling after watching. You may want to grab the Tums right about now.

7) Wrong Turn

Most of these cannibals seem to be degenerates with no understanding of basic hygiene – how are they not dying of food-borne illness? These are the thoughts I use to numb myself from the depravity inflicted upon poor Eliza Dushku in Wrong Turn. More gross hillbillies than you can shake a human femur at!

6) Wolf Creek 2

While the first installment of the Wolf Creek series dramatized actual crimes committed in the Australian Outback, this sequel serves up a juicy slice of fantasy by fleshing out Mick Taylor’s sadistic appetites. Imagine Freddy Krueger with a thick accent (but the same hat) and a lair full of booby traps, that’s all you need to know about WC2.

5) Parents

I love the use of 1950s suburbia for social commentary, so of course Bob Balaban’s Parents is perfectly seasoned for my tastes. The film is both plucky as Leave it to Beaver and as dark as blood pudding. I’m sure you’re salivating over the Blu-Ray on Amazon already.

4) The Burbs

Another suburban satire, this time helmed by the mighty Joe Dante and starring Tom Hanks, this one is low on gore and high on social commentary. If you’ve never sat down to this smorgasboard of a movie, you’re in for a treat.

3) Delicatessen

Take equal parts Amélie and Sweeney Todd, and you get 1991’s Delicatessen. The film is also directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (of later Amélie fame) and is set in a similarly abstract place and time, except everyone here is very hungry and people go missing quite frequently…

2) Silence of the Lambs

This one’s a gimme, as I’d never live it down making a list like this without Silence of the Lambs near the top. You’ve likely all seen it so there’s no point skinning the plot for you. Toss on Bach’s Goldberg Variations, let that chianti breathe and chew someone’s face off with Dr. Lecter.

1) Fried Green Tomatoes

The only cannibal movie I can say I’ve watched more than Silence of the Lambs has got to be Fried Green Tomatoes. You know the only thing better than the Whistle Stop Café’s fried green tomatoes is its open-pit barbeque – just ask that nice investigator from Georgia, he’ll tell you.

So, barring Cannibal Holocaust and the rest of the Italian exploitation flicks it spawned, how does this list hold up? Did I miss anything? Will you be checking out The Green Inferno? What does human flesh really taste like? Asking the important questions here.

Back to School Horror: 10 Movies To Get You Through September!

by scottevilSeptember 10, 2015

School is back in session! With it comes new things to learn and new social anxieties to realize. And if you’re especially lucky, there may be an interesting new face hanging around the fringes of your circle of friends, wanting nothing more than to get to know you (and possibly bestow some sort of witch’s curse upon you or alien slug-monster inside of you). Give your fancy book-learnin’ a rest and take a gander at these here back-to-school spookshows!

10) The Woods (2006)

When Bruce Campbell is your dad and he ships you off to a creepy all-girls school in the wilderness, you can pretty much assume that something bad is going to happen. There’s a foreboding headmistress (Patricia Clarkson, no less), mean girls and an ominous witch legend. is it just the new school jitters, or an actual curse? Imagine the setting and concept of Suspiria, mixed with the time period and character focus of Girl, Interrupted, minus the gore. For some reason, The Woods was not given a theatrical release, instead being shipped direct to bargain DVD bins everywhere and being largely forgotten, but it’s worth a watch if you can handle the slow pace.

9) Suspiria

Dario Argento’s 1977 pastel gorefest is a must for any “new kid at school” movie list. You don’t have to be a world-class ballerina to enjoy this classic Italian horror, though I’m sure it helps… I will never understand why someone at this dance academy decided it was a good idea to store all that razor wire in one room. Come on now!

8) Phenomena

Didn’t get enough Argento? Well, good, here’s another: 1985’s Phenomena. More weird Italian boarding schools, more ominous headmistresses, more Goblin soundtracks, and this time, Donald Pleasance and a razor-wielding chimpanzee. Really. Thrill at young Jennifer Connelly’s bad acting and the disturbing amounts of live bugs they used! All of the usual Argento plotholes are here, so it’s best to just sit back and not question anything. So, basically higher education in general.

7) Child’s Play 3

Time travels differently in the Child’s Play universe (much like it did during Chem 111 for me), with the third movie taking place eight years after the events of Child’s Play 2, though only a year passed in our time. Andy Barclay is understandably messed up after his previous run-ins with Chucky, and finds himself at a military academy. A newly-reassembled Chucky follows and sets his rubbery sights on a young recruit to be his new fleshsuit. It’s a thoroughly run-of-the-mill killer doll film, but worth watching if you’ve got 90 minutes to kill and a thing for foul-mouthed toys.

6) Disturbing Behavior

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vPdDyROQJM

After the death of his brother, James Marsden moves to a sleepy Pacific Northwest town with his parents and sister (Katharine Isabelle in overalls, by the way. Overalls.) Even his chiseled features can’t get him in with the cool kids, so he slums it with a paranoid stoner, a Powder stand-in, and gothy Katie Holmes. If that sentence doesn’t illustrate how insanely 90s this film is, I don’t know what would. There’s a convoluted plot about mind controlled teens too, but the plot is secondary to William Sadler’s Rainman impression. How bad does this town suck if your only romantic interest is Katie Holmes? Poor James Marsden.

5) The Faculty

As mentioned earlier, sometimes you gotta watch out for those mind-controlling alien slug monsters, though it seems odd that they would attack a small town in Ohio of all places, during an Indian summer drought of all times. I mean, this species is intelligent enough to master space travel, but not smart enough to wait until springtime when it rains every day? Kevin Williamson must’ve been a bit over-busy on Dawson’s Creek to do a logic-check on this plot, which is basically new girl shows up, stops people from beating up Elijah Wood, stops Josh Hartnett’s amphetamine business, gets gothy Clea Duvall to shower, and teaches the T-1000 to be a little easier on his football team.

4) Fright Night 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uYdPX2EG5U

Almost all the stuff you loved about Fright Night, college edition! Charley Brewster and Peter Vincent are once again thrown together to take down a sexy female vampire instead of Prince Humperdink. If you start waking up from frat parties with a killer hangover and really gross hickeys, you might want to brush up on your whittling skills and grab a couple bottles of Garlique.

3) The Craft

Sometimes the only thing that can make you feel comfortable at a new school is to join a coven of witches. Is it weird that this trope comes up 3 times on this list, or does it just show how likely this scenario really is? I never moved around, so I can’t say, but Robin Tunney sure knows how to pick her friends – or at least, her friends know how to pick her. There’s complainer-to-cutiepie Neve Campbell, token Rachel True, and trailer chic Fairuza Balk. If they were X-Men, their powers would be skin-shedding, racism-finding, and the ability to float 4 inches off the ground and kill your drunk stepdad, respectively. That’s the kind of horrors that await anyone who tries to join their clique, so you have been warned.

2) Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

If your family moves into the town where a bunch of teens died in their sleep, CHECK THE BASEMENT FURNACE. There will invariably be a Freddy glove and directions on how to win over your crush (who looks oddly similar to Meryl Streep) by killing your classmates at her pool party. Score! I’ll never know why they went with Freddy’s Revenge instead of The Man Inside Me, but if you’re looking for tips on how to fit in as the new kid in town, look no further!

1) The Lost Boys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_lwtRMg0ts

Of all of the new towns in all of the movies listed here, Santa Clara has to be the coolest. There’s a carnival every day on the boardwalk, a well-stocked comic store, oiled-up saxophone dudes and gypsy vampires. You can have a new girlfriend with big hair and mom jeans, while your brother pals around with Corey Feldman; there is literally no downside to this scenario. Just don’t touch Grandpa’s root beers and double-thick Oreo cookies or there’ll be hell to pay.

Honorable mention:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 1 episode 1, because it’s hard to top Buffy’s first day in Sunnydale. New friends, new town, new vampire menace… Pretty standard Hellmouth stuff.

So, what do you think? Did I miss any hidden horror gems in the bottom of my moving boxes? Leave a comment!

Geekscape Mixtape: My Fall Semester 2001 Mix

by scottevilSeptember 4, 2015

Across the globe, high school graduates are being dropped off at colleges and universities, unpacking their dopp kits and finding out who in their hall has a car. It’s a tale as old as time. I too was once an impressionable young adult, hungry for knowledge (and keg stands).

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m quite the nostalgia junkie, so let’s jump in the DeLorean and head back to September 2001, the beginning of my college career. In addition to expanding my mind in the classroom and realizing my severe lack of game in regards to women, I also spent an impressive amount of free time on Audiogalaxy, PureVolume and LimeWire looking for new bands. My junior high and high school experiences as a sometimes punk kid (as punk as you can be in the rural Midwest) had given me a strong foundation of bands to seek out, but these new technologies were far more effective at collecting new music than my older techniques; these included asking the most alternative-looking person at the record store and scouring the CD racks for interesting cover art. It was primitive, but in my defense, I found my all-time favorite punk album that way (AFI – Black Sails in the Sunset) – purchased without hearing a single song and with no knowledge of anything the band had previously released, based solely on the sweet woodcut ship on the front. And maybe song titles like Malleus Maleficarum and Porphyria Tarda Cutanea.

Anyway, the fall of 2001 was a great time for me musically. I was up to my ears – literally! – in new stuff to listen to, and since this was a time before iPods and Zunes were in heavy circulation, I made a mix CD with some of my favorite songs of the time. Below is an annotated list of the tracks that were found on it, with a YouTube playlist of the whole thing at the bottom. Sit back, grab a can of Beast and enjoy the ride.

SIDE 1: Love, somewhat requited

September 2001 was probably one of the best month’s of my music-listening life thus far, as I was introduced to many of my favorite bands, including The Stereo, No Use For a Name, The Starting Line, and The Smoking Popes. The first section of my mix CD was full of sappy love songs and a couple of tracks reflecting my fears of being alone forever. Predictably, my high school relationship fell apart almost as soon as I left for college, and 19-year-old me was convinced my life was over. Thankfully, I didn’t flunk out (my roommate did though) or dip my oil stick in any strange engines (my hallmates did though).

The Stereo – Devotion

Ace Troubleshooter – Denise

Game Face – My Star

One Man Army – Last Word Spoken

No Use For a Name – Why Doesn’t Anybody Like Me?

The Starting Line – Three’s a Charm

Sugarcult – Saying Goodbye

New Found Glory – Heaven

* it’s worth noting that I was already an NFG fan in high school, and had some material by Me First as well, but finding out about Punk Goes Metal and the rest of the Me First discography was awesome.

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – Wild World

SIDE 2: Keeping that frown upside-down

Enough of that happy crap, let’s feel bad about ourselves for a while. Again, I was already an Alkaline Trio, Saves the Day and Ataris fan, but found all this other music I never knew they had released. The Blink-182 song was one of the 6 bonus tracks, which I collected after enjoying Take Off Your Pants and Jacket all summer. While not the last song on the list, Pretty Pathetic is still one of my favorite songs ever. It so perfectly encapsulates the poor me, self-deprecating mindset I sported at the time (and sometimes still do, for better or worse).

Strung Out – Ultimate Devotion

Shai Hulud – Eating Bullets of Acceptance

As Friends Rust – The First Song on the Tape You Make Her

Osker – Disconnect, Disconnect

Smoking Popes – Pretty Pathetic

Saves the Day – This Is Not An Exit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo-uQtH94Zw

Dashboard Confessional – Again I Go Unnoticed

The Ataris – Looking Back on Today

Blink-182 – What Went Wrong

Alkaline Trio – Sorry About That

There are also 3 missing tracks that I couldn’t find on YouTube – two from a band called Sundaze, and one mystery band I’ve never been able to figure out. Sundaze actually grew into As Tall As Lions, and it seems that they did their best to scrub their previous iteration from the Internet’s collective memory. They also denied that they were in said band when I asked them at Warped Tour 2004, so there’s that.

Here is the full playlist if you want to experience this particular month in my musical history at some later point.

What about you, is there a song or group of songs that take you back to your college experience? Share links in the comments below!

14 Of The Best Fake Bands EVER (In Movies)!

by scottevilAugust 27, 2015

Music and movies are like peanut butter and jelly, they just go together (and are quite filling, wouldn’t you say?) I got thinking recently about fake bands in movies and how they have the ability to elevate a film from mediocre to outstanding. So of course I had to make a list of my favorites.

RULES:
-Must be from movies (no TV themes or appearances, sorry Zack Attack)
-No traditional musicals (sorry Hedwig)
-No real bands portraying themselves (sorry Oingo Boingo and Tenacious D)
-Must have original music written for them (sorry Lone Rangers)

Pretty straightforward, right? Let’s get started!

14) Sex Bob-omb (Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World)

Michael Cera stars as himself again and is remarkably surrounded by good-looking people and multiple love interests. While there are other bands in Scott Pilgrim, I think the pivotal one really is his own Sex Bob-omb, a mixture of The Strokes and every garage band you watched in high school. But with way more expensive guitars.

13) Infant Sorrow (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

Russel Brand’s portrayal of ex-drunk free-love rocker Aldous Snow in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (and subsequently Get Him to the Greek) could easily have barreled into ‘obnoxious’ territory, and while Snow and his music is incredibly over-the-top, it seems to me that Brand just toes the line between being funny and being insufferable.

12) Big Fun (Heathers)

Anti-suicide PSA’s are rarely this infectious. But I mean, who didn’t accidentally pour bleach down the popular girl’s throat and make it look like a suicide in high school? It wasn’t your fault though – Christian Slater’s drugged-out stare would scramble any teen’s developing gray matter.

11) Stillwater (Almost Famous)

No list of fake bands is complete without the fictional Allman Brothers/Skynyrd pastiche of Stillwater in Cameron Crowe’s semi-autobiographical Almost Famous. Beyond having the most perfect handlebar mustaches seen since 1979, the band had music written for them by Crowe’s then-wife Nancy Wilson. You might remember her from a little band called HEART, but if you don’t, I might go Crazy on You.

10) Josie and the Pussycats (Josie and the Pussycats)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwoZi_NFQhA
Did you expect me to gloss over Rachael Leigh Cook’s best cinematic performance? Come on now. Add in Rosario Dawson and pre-botched plastic surgery Tara Reid, terrible fake instrument playing, villainess Parker Posey and her sniveling assistant Alan Cumming, and the most 90s female singer ever (Kay Hanley of Letters to Cleo), and you have this fantastically entertaining piece of crap. And to answer your question, no, I don’t know all the words to all of the songs on the soundtrack, why would you ask such a thing?

9) Steel Dragon (Rock Star)

Marky Mark living the dream as the lead singer of a heavy metal cover band, only to be skyrocketed to stardom by joining the actual heavy metal band he used to cover. How many singers in cover bands had their hopes raised and ruthlessly dashed by the hands of fate after watching Rock Star? Incalculable.

8) Lovebürger (Can’t Hardly Wait)

Breckin Meyer and Donald Faison argue about cowboy hats, frilly costumes and band shirts, and ALMOST get to play a song. I may be bending my rules a bit to shoehorn these guys in, but you gotta admit that stick count is sick and gets stuck in your head for days.

7) DuJour (Josie and the Pussycats)

Did you seriously think I wouldn’t leave a slot open for the most enduring fake boy band in cinema history? Sub-question: aren’t all boy bands fake? Breckin and Donald buried the hatchet after Lovebürger’s breakup, forming DuJour with Kenny Fisher, and the results are catchy as hell. I’m telling you, these guys are on fire.

6) Vicious Lips (Vicious Lips)

Ah, Vicious Lips. A great concept diminished by poor execution in the third (and kind of second) act. But if nothing else, it yields this fun little slab of Dayglo insanity, plus 3 other tunes that will make anyone reach for the leg warmers, Aquanet and maybe a bag of space grass.

5) Low Shoulder (Jennifer’s Body)

One of the best parts of movies featuring (but not focusing entirely on) fake bands is when their song keeps showing up to bother the main character. It doesn’t hurt when the song is fantastic, either… This one was written by a band called No Country, who also portrayed part of the band in the movie. I wouldn’t be surprised if they really were Satanists, this song is so good.

4) Lustra/Unnamed party band (Euro Trip)

Here’s another song that is presented in the first act and pops up regularly throughout the rest of the movie. “Scotty Doesn’t Know” was written for Euro Trip by an Aussie band called Lustra, fronted by neck-tattooed Matt Damon in the movie, becoming the unofficial anthem of the trip. Can you blame Scotty’s friends, though? This song is still awesome after over a decade of having it sung to me at parties.

3) Brian Slade (Velvet Goldmine)

While I would have preferred to feature Curt Wild instead of Brian Slade in this list, all of his songs are covers, and Brian had original material written for him. If you like glam rock and, in some strange universe, never watched Velvet Goldmine, go do it now. It’s a perfect time capsule back to the 90s obsession with the 60s.

2) Spinal Tap (This is Spinal Tap)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-9cFQJCCKE
The greatest and loudest fake metal band ever! It would be criminal as well as idiotic to not toss them up near the top of any list of this type. Volumes have been written about Spinal Tap, so I will let the music speak for itself, but be prepared for ROCK N ROLL.

1) The Wonders (That Thing You Do!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baWSsZRoj-M
While it’s difficult to pick a favorite fake band, I must hand the top slot over to The Wonders (pronounced Oh-need-ers, of course) due to the sheer perfection of the title track. I think that’s the big gamble you take when building a film around a fake band with a fake hit song – if the song is lackluster, no amount of cinematography or Oscar-worthy acting can save your premise. Luckily, Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne) knocked it out of the park here, but what would you expect from the guy who helped write the music for Cry-Baby?

EDIT: It has come to my attention that I missed 2 very important fake bands that require mentioning here:

Matt Noonan (Dead Man on Campus)

https://youtu.be/_j9BbR6bI_I?t=1m31s

And Rex Manning (Empire Records)

What do you think? Did I miss anybody worth singing about?

The 10 Best Metal Songs in 2000s Horror Movies

by scottevilAugust 13, 2015

In this third and (thankfully?) final installment of Best Metal in Horror, I want to count down the 10 best metal songs from ‘00s-era horror movies. If you need a refresher on the previous 2 decades of questionable soundtrack decisions, check out the 80’s list here and the 90’s list here.

As I waded through lists of movies from 2000-2010, I noticed that metal songs stopped showing up on soundtracks after the first couple years. I don’t know if this had anything to do with the rise of the Internet as a promotional tool (e.g. MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, etc), lower advertising budgets for record companies and movie studios, or just a general shift towards orchestral soundtracks and less abrasive music. Aside from Resident Evil: Apocalypse, this list basically dries up after 2003, so instead of a singular countdown, I’ve grouped them roughly by film.

10) Mudvayne – Not Falling (Ghost Ship)

It’s no “Dig,” but this is a solid track from one of of the more competent nu-metal bands from my high school/college years. It also fit pretty nicely into the haunted boat movie Ghost Ship. Too bad they didn’t get the guys in the band as extras for the cable-slicing-everyone-in-half scene.

9) The Dillinger Escape Plan – Baby’s First Coffin (Underworld)

I was never much of a DEP fan, but I did enjoy Miss Machine, the album from which this song came. I also very much enjoyed the over-the-top silliness of Underworld; I mean, come on, you’ve got Kate Beckinsale as a tough as nails/hungry for love vampire in pleather and Bill Nighy with a caramel stuck on the roof of his mouth. What’s not to like?

8) Static-X – Cold (Queen of the Damned)

Another nu-metal track and another ‘sexy vampire’ movie, so basically this era’s pop horror personified. While Wayne Static’s hair didn’t make an appearance in the film, terrifying as it was, this song did, which is really the main takeaway for me. I couldn’t tell you what else happens in it.

7) Slipknot – Wait and Bleed (Scream 3)

Arguably the worst of the Scream movies and the best of the nu-metal bands. It’s still hard to accept that this film came out in 2000, and how much I liked Slipknot that year. These are 2 things I wouldn’t want to discuss over dinner, so take note.

6) Glassjaw – Siberian Kiss (Ginger Snaps)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa1FImQakRw

This song spoke so well to my teen angst. You guys don’t even know. I was unaware that this song was in Ginger Snaps until I went looking – just goes to show how underrated this movie was when it was released, and how deserving it is of its cult status now.

5) Killswitch Engage – The End of Heartache (Resident Evil: Apocalypse)

Killswitch Engage also had a song featured on the Ginger Snaps soundtrack, but I went with “The End of Heartache” from Resident Evil: Apocalypse because I’ve always considered this to be the best metalcore song ever, arrangement-wise. I don’t think Adam D will ever come this close to crafting the perfect pop metal song again… but before you ask, yes, I think Jesse is a better singer than Howard.

4) Slayer – Bloodline (Dracula 2000)

People go on and on about South of Heaven, but Slayer isn’t Slayer without a thrash beat. That said, “Bloodline” slams so hard that the headbang cannot be denied. Unlike Dracula 2000, this song can still inflict serious damage on my neck .

3) System of a Down – Metro (Dracula 2000)

No list from the 2000s is complete without a SOAD song. While this is a Berlin cover, it does what every good cover should do: take the source material, disassemble and rebuild it into something the band covering it might’ve written in an alternate timeline. Also, it helps you forget what a piece of crap Dracula 2000 was.

2) From Autumn to Ashes – The After Dinner Payback (Freddy vs. Jason)

The movie was crap, but its soundtrack was pretty solid, though I had forgotten that From Autumn to Ashes was on it. This is also my favorite FATA song, so it had to find its way onto this list.

1) Lamb of God – 11th Hour (Freddy vs. Jason)

Lamb of God’s best song and THE hardest riff to play when I was in college. I’m not sure how relevant the lyrics of this song are to Freddy vs. Jason, but who cares? This song totally rips, and almost redeems this terrible money-grab of a film.

So there you have it, 3 decades of the best metal from horror movies. Did I miss anything? Leave a comment and tell me!

Battle Babes & The Art of Unnecessary Romance

by scottevilAugust 10, 2015

There’s a game I like to play when I watch movies, called “What Broke My Suspension of Disbelief?” Sometimes it’s something big, like a Jaeger bashing a Kaiju with an entire ship, and sometimes it’s small, like the fly on that dude’s forehead in Troll 2. And don’t even get me started on the cannibalism in Fried Green Tomatoes (because I’ll be discussing that in a future article). Whatever causes it, it’s always entertaining to look back on a movie, be it good or utter garbage, and contemplate that one scene where the people writing the script just asked too much of you, their devoted audience.

With the current wave of superhero movies being made in the past decade or so, few things are as ridiculous as forcing two complete strangers to fall in love as they are being shot at by lasers and buildings are falling down around them. As the title implies, this article is FULL OF SPOILERS, so don’t read it unless you’ve seen pretty much all of the MCU films as well as most of the other recent superhero movies. Or you don’t care about having romantic subplots discussed.

My wife and I finally got around to seeing Ant-Man at the theater this past weekend, and something has been bugging me (heh) ever since: that kiss. I’m obviously no Puritan when it comes to my movie tastes; I watch stuff like Wolfcop and Dr. Giggles for Horror Movie Night on a weekly basis, and I did just watch a bunch of guys in superhero costumes punch each other silly.

So why does this 20-second portion of Ant-Man stick out so much to me? As the title here states, it’s completely unnecessary to the film, and a bit unrealistic to have occurring after a week of Hope Pym beating the tar out of Scott Lang in the basement and staring daggers at him and Hank. It’s unrealistic in a movie about a guy who invents a shrinking suit and has the ability to control ants – that’s saying something. Part of me realizes that their kiss was shoehorned in for the comedic relief with grumpy Dad (and to set things in motion for Ant-Man 2), but the rest of me is having trouble letting go and enjoying the rest of the movie. If they had just given a subtle hint that they were going to hook up in the next movie, I would be here writing about how amazing, witty and just plain FUN the script is. But nope, they had to turn The Wasp into a Battle Babe.

“What’s a Battle Babe,” you say? I thought you’d never ask! Battle Babes are strong female characters who are introduced as valuable allies in the beginning of a movie, only to be relegated to love interests or damsels in distress by the third act. The most damning part of the phenomenon is that I can’t think of any film where a male character goes through the same devolution (probably because that would be emasculating, and the majority of people consuming superhero and action movies are male). Concrete examples will paint the picture best, I think.

Hope Pym (Evangeline Lilly) in Ant-Man; as mentioned above, teaches Scott Lang to fight and control ants, helps coordinate the main heist and then pisses it all away by inexplicably falling for Scott Lang (who killed her old boyfriend Darren Cross just hours before). It’s like watching the Karate Kid lip-locking Mr. Miyagi for no reason after winning the All-Valley Karate Tournament.

Dr. Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) in Thor; she starts the movie as a freaking ASTROPHYSICIST and is not once seen using that massive intellect in either the first or second film to do anything but get into situations that require her godly boyfriend. Sif (Jaimie Alexander) is an even worse case/better example, as she spends Thor and Thor II kicking ass from one end of the Bifrost to the other and is written as a Thor clinger. Luckily, she pops up in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. free of romantic BS.

Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) in Avengers: Age of Ultron. It was hinted that she and Cap had a bit of mutual attraction in The Winter Soldier, but luckily nothing came of it (thereby saving my favorite MCU movie from certain disaster). But as soon as the Avengers start partying in AoU, sparks fly between Natasha and Bruce Banner. It’s not even subtle, and sets up an interesting dramatic point about Natasha’s experiences as a child assassin, but forcing the relationship just to get there is an low point in an otherwise light summer blockbuster. It also dismantles most of the badassness Black Widow has cultivated in her preceding films. Once a lethal assassin, now just a lady without a baby…

Sgt. Rita Rose Vrataski (Emily Blunt) in Edge of Tomorrow. Sargeant. SARGEANT. That right there denotes that she’s pretty tough and can kill Mimics with the best of them. She realizes Cage (Tom Cruise) is looping after each death, and trains him accordingly, only for him to fall in love with her and keep trying to get her to safety each loop. Rita does go down fighting, but still qualifies for the title since she’s sexualized almost from the get-go and you know from the first minute Cage meets her, she’s going to be the love interest.

Evey (Natalie Portman, again!) in V for Vendetta. V spends half of the movie using her to help him kill his enemies, and then confesses his love for her before dying. I can’t believe how badly the Wachowskis screwed up Alan Moore’s original storyline by adding that. She was supposed to have been imprisoned and tortured by V to shape her into his successor, instead we got Lolita with Guy Fawkes masks.

Elektra (Jennifer Garner) in Daredevil and Elektra. While I realize that Elektra and Daredevil were an on-again-off-again couple in the comics, the films really played her up like a girl with a crush, particularly in the self-titled sequel. You’re supposedly the great martial arts “treasure” and more or less throw it all away at the end of Elektra to smooch the father of the girl you saved. Because every warrior woman is just wasting time until she can put down the katanas and start a family.

Even the pictures I found from each film portray these women as sexy and/or weak. It’s sort of creepy.

Now, those are some of the worst offenders in recent memory, but there ARE ways to do it without making me roll my eyes. Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) in Captain America and especially Agent Carter kicks so much ass and while she does have feelings for Cap, it never gets in the way of her busting skulls. She finds herself in peril but never waits for some dude to save the day; she’s a proactive heroine. Gamora (Zoe Saldana) in Guardians of the Galaxy is ALMOST a Battle Slut, and will likely become one in the sequel, but I think James Gunn did a great job poking fun at the trope a bit and didn’t leave her waiting to be rescued by Peter Quill.

Maybe my problem with Battle Babes and all the unnecessary romance in comic book movies is that, for me, unconsummated affection works better than forcing strangers to fall in love while evading death. That comic book movies seem to utilize Battle Babes most of the time, doesn’t make me love the genre any less, but their prevalence in a film is an easy barometer for me to tell how good the adaption is.

So, what do you think? Am I crazy? Are Battle Babes anachronistic? Leave a comment!

Post script: I just realized that Batman does kind of get the Battle Babe treatment (thanks to Talia’s betrayal) in The Dark Knight Rises. So there’s one.

The 13 Best ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ Monsters-Of-The-Week!

by scottevilJuly 24, 2015

Hulu recently added the complete Buffy the Vampire Slayer television series to its expansive library, and of course, my mind went straight to my favorite Monster of the Week episodes. For better or worse, I love Monster-of-the-Week episodes, mainly because they are self-contained stories. I particularly appreciate that they are heavy on action and light on interpersonal drama, which has a penchant for getting thick in Sunnydale normally. So, without further exposition, let’s talk about our 13 favorite monsters!

13 – Sunnydale High Swim Team (Go Fish, S2E20)
The first two seasons of Buffy used tons of monster tropes from the 1940s and 50s, often turning the concepts on their heads, and Go Fish was no exception: sea monsters and Soviet science projects! The swim coach and school nurse are inadvertently transforming the team into gill men, and of course Xander is the one member of the Scooby Gang that almost gets mutated. Not the first or last time the poor guy got used like a ragdoll by the writers. For example…

12 – Miss French (Teacher’s Pet, S1E4)
Who didn’t have a crush on that one teacher in high school? My English teacher, who will remain unnamed, was one such object of teenage affections, though I don’t think she was actually a 7-foot-tall praying mantis. As with Go Fish, this episode took liberties with a couple of 1950s horror tropes in the best possible ways. Dangers of sex, horny teens ignoring that internal voice telling them they’re going to get eaten by the substitute teacher, and a nice little gotcha ending, though it irks me that the remaining egg was never brought back in a later episode.

11 – The Gentlemen (Hush, S4E10)
I know, I know, Hush is the second-best Buffy episode ever (behind Once More… With Feeling), so why is it so low on this list?? As much as I like the episode, I don’t love the creature design of the Gentlemen. Maybe it’s Slenderman oversaturation, or too many poorly-written creepypastas about grinning monsters, but it doesn’t exactly send chills up my spine. Regardless, the episode is fantastic, disturbing in its lack of sound, and deserved every award it received.

10 – The Bezoar (Bad Eggs, S2E11)
Similar in theme to Teacher’s Pet, but with much creepier monsters, Bad Eggs follows the gang as they pretend their monster eggs are babies, get their energy sucked out of their faces while they sleep, then get full-on controlled by the gross little beasts before Buffy takes a pickaxe to the mother Bezoar’s eye. I know this episode got me to practice safe sex, so I think it did its job.

9 – Hyena people (The Pack, S1E6)
Poor Xander. Never accepted by his high school brethren, except when they’re killer ghosts, mantis ladies or possessed by wild animals. I like the idea of the Pack, but some of the acting is pretty wooden, even with an added first-season handicap (because really, most of Season 1’s acting is atrocious). I also dig that the Pack was an actual threat – I mean, they ate the school mascot AND Principal Flutie! This was also an early example of how the writers weren’t shy about knocking off main and second-tier characters. What of the 4 teenagers who committed murder and cannibalism, and ran off when the possession was lifted? Xander remembered everything he did, so I’m assuming the others did too. That fact makes this one way darker.

8 – Ronnie/Sluggoth demon (Beneath You, S7E2)
By the last couple seasons, the Monster of the Week episodes were few and far between, so it was refreshing to get one so early in Buffy’s final season. Even if Ronnie was just turned into a Graboid by a re-vengeanced Anya, and there’s a lot of dramatic interludes between the estranged Scooby Gang, the creature subplot stands out in an otherwise drama-heavy season.

7 – Ted (Ted, S2E11)
Let’s ignore the more depressing later Joyce Summers episodes and bask in the glory of her robot suitor, John Ritter. A good chunk of Buffy episodes include a level of ambiguity around her seeing evil when it’s just human nature, but it usually turns out she’s right. I guess that’s the downside (or perk, maybe?) of living on a Hellmouth – if something appears sinister, it probably is. This is another episode that harkens back to the 1950s, so of course it pleases me. And come on, it’s got John Ritter!

6 – Gachnar (Fear, Itself, S4E4)
My favorite of the Buffy Halloween episodes! Fear, Itself boasts a haunted house, somebody ELSE turning invisible (sorry Xander), a 4”-high Cenobite wannabe, and an introduction to Anya’s crippling bunny phobia. This might be the most fun-filled episode on the list, but there are still a few more nastiest left.

5 – Der Kindestod (Killed by Death, S2E19)
Remember earlier when I said creepy smiles don’t bug me? I take it back; Der Kindestod is terrifying. Look at that mug and tell me you’d be okay waking up with that staring down at you. Did I mention he sucks your life force through retractable eye-stalks? Eeeeuuuugh. I was pretty relieved when Buffy snapped his neck.

4 – Queller (Listening to Fear, S5E9)
One of 2 lamprey-type monsters featured in the show (and this list), the Queller wiggled out of a meteorite and went bonkers around town, feeding on Sunnydale’s mentally unstable hospital population. Even Buffy’s mom got a faceful of demon phlegm. Not my preferred method of shuffling off this mortal coil, but to each his or her own.

3 – Gnarl (Same Time, Same Place, S7E3)
Gnarl is disgusting. One little scratch from his gross coke-nail and you’re paralyzed, a stationary buffet of skin for him to peel off strip by strip. The creature design plus his peculiar feeding habits solidifies this one’s spot near the top of the list. While it might have been nice to have another go-round with this creep, it’s probably for the best (and my sleep cycle) he only made it 40 minutes into a 45 minute show.

2 – Wig Lady (Doublemeat Palace, S6E12)
While I’d admit that she’s less disturbing than Gnarl, the Wig Lady from Season 6’s Doublemeat Palace is my all-time favorite Monster of the Week. This is partially due to the surprise reveal and creature design, but I’m also a terrible sucker for Soylent Green tropes and, ahem, eat that sort of thing up. Doublemeat is double-sweet!

1 – Glarghk Guhl Kashma’nik demon (Normal Again, S6E17)
And for the #1 slot, the criminally-overlooked demon from the mind-bending Normal Again. I can see why, though: its creature design is similar to the Polgara demon from Season 4 (which also sported an extendable bone-like stinger in its arm), and the episode itself turns the entire show inside out, depending on your interpretation. The crux of the story is whether Buffy’s entire life as Slayer, fighting demons and saving the world, is a delusion she has chosen over life as a patient in a mental hospital. It’s never implicitly stated which version is “real,” but the moment she says farewell to her mother and chooses the Slayer-verse is a major tearjerker. The monster doesn’t need to be incredibly memorable, because the point of the episode is which life is real, and whether Buffy chose the right one.

So, do you agree with this list? Who were your favorite Buffy monsters? Sound out below!

The 11 Best Metal Songs In 90’s Horror Movies

by scottevilJuly 3, 2015

After assembling a list of the best 80’s heavy metal songs in horror movies, my brain was still swimming with more questionable horror movie metal. To alleviate it, I decided to write the next chronological entry in my quest to document metal songs in the consecutive decades of horror. Enjoy!

11) Soak – Me Compassionate (An American Werewolf in Paris)
Barely metal, but it was pretty sinister in the context of the movie (werewolf rave scene) than it’s actual execution. Overshadowed on the soundtrack by Bush’s best song ever, ‘Mouth,’ but that one’s even less metal, so Soak gets the mention. Congrats, I guess?

10) Judas Priest – Bloodstained (Bride of Chucky)
Bride of Chucky’s soundtrack reads like a who’s-who of 90s metal, but this Priest song is the only listenable song for me anymore. “But SLAYER!” you say… Well, I’ve never liked their slower stuff and South of Heaven bores me to tears. Marilyn Manson? Never been a fan. Coal Chamber! Meh. Process of elimination leaves us with Tim “Ripper” Owens screaming for someone to clean! this! carpet!

9) Stabbing Westward – Save Yourself (Urban Legend)
I know, I know, it’s technically industrial and not metal, but I feel like the two were close enough in the 90s to warrant a slot on this list. It’s also a fitting song for a slasher flick, though of course the original subtext was drug addiction, since what industrial song wasn’t about drugs?

8) Fear Factory – Scumgrief (Hideaway)
You knew Fear Factory would eventually show up on this list somewhere. Dean Koontz hated this movie so much that he begged Tristar to take his name out of the opening credits. It was so bad, he only allowed Phantoms to be released after he saw the final version. I’ve seen Hideaway, and can back up Mr. Koontz’s assertion that this is indeed total crap.

7) Type O Negative – Summer Breeze (I Know What You Did Last Summer)
Another movie with a great soundtrack from start to finish, I Know What You Did Last Summer inspired me to get my hair cut exactly like Freddie Prinze Jr. Don’t say anything, it was the 90s. I’m sure my parents were first delighted I was learning a Seals & Croft song, then immediately disappointed when I cranked the distortion and added my best Peter Steele impression.

6) Two – I Am a Pig (Idle Hands)
I always loved this song but never knew who it was by until compiling this list, so I was pretty excited to find that Rob Halford sang it. The entire Idle Hands soundtrack was killer, but as with I Know What You Did Last Summer, the songs were all over the place and I’d say this is the best metal song from the movie. That said, ‘Beheaded’ by The Offspring is the overall best track. And best band cameo ever. Hands down.

I can’t take any more of these puns, I’ll try to contain myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFr53FLotRE

5) System of a Down – Marmalade (Strangeland)
No list of 90s metal would be complete without SOAD. I may take heat for not putting Anthrax or Pantera here instead, but I prefer Marmalade to anything else from Strangeland. This movie basically felt like a soundtrack vehicle, with songs from most of the big nu-metal bands of the late 90s (and a bunch of nobodies). I have no desire to revisit most of it, so let’s just stick with SOAD. I broke Dee Snider’s heart by not picking the Twisted Sister song. I hope he understands.

4) Triumph – Troublemaker (Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth)
It’s 1991, you’re a big-time movie executive at Dimension Films, wearing a suit with huge shoulderpads, smoking a cigar and propping your crocodile-skin shoes up on the boardroom table. “We need more Cenobites for a new Hellraiser movie. How about one with CDs impaled in its head?” Applause, tears of joy, gnashing of teeth; Hellraiser 3 gets made.

3) House of Lords – O Father (Dr. Giggles)
I was only recently exposed to the spectacle of Dr. Giggles by my friend and podcast co-host Matt Saintmort when I visited him this spring. I didn’t catch this song in my first viewing, but came across it looking for the soundtrack from the film. While not as shred-tastic as most other entries here, it’s length and power metal vibes cement its #3 slot. Bonus points for parallelling the daddy issues which lead to Dr. Giggles’ rampage. Giggling intensifies!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teJ7W6FwIHI

2) Laaz Rockit – Leatherface (TCM3)
This one didn’t make the cut in my first list, mainly because it’s a thrash song, but I couldn’t exclude it here. TCM3 is almost a complete waste of time, unless you want to see Viggo Mortensen act kind of weird and (another) chainsaw duel. Skip the movie and go straight for the soundtrack, chocked full of thrash songs from Death Angel, Sacred Reich, and Wrath, as well as the custom-written title track. The stupid chorus gets stuck in my head constantly and I love it.

1) Morbid Angel – Rapture (Night of the Demons 2)
Who would’ve thought a death metal song would top this list? Aside from being a hearty slice of Florida DM, Rapture was featured in arguably one of the most awkward dance sequences I’ve seen on film. Angela somehow survived the first film and decides to table-dance to Morbid Angel in hopes of luring boys into her demonic bosom. Or something. There’s also a Super Soaker full of holy water involved, which is pretty much the most 90s thing I can imagine.

\m/

Non-metal honorable mention:
Birdbrain – Youth of America (Scream)
Gob – Paint It Black (Stir of Echoes)
Harvey Danger – Flagpole Sitta (Disturbing Behavior)
The Offspring – Beheaded (Idle Hands)
Goo Goo Dolls – I’m Awake Now (Freddy’s Dead)
Letters to Cleo – Dangerous Type (The Craft)
Brother Cane – And Fools Shine On (Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers)

The 12 Best Heavy Metal Songs From Horror Movies

by scottevilJune 24, 2015

Hi, my name is Scott and I’m a recovering metalhead.

This is where you all say “Hi Scott!”

I spent close to a decade playing in metal bands, but my earliest experiences with the genre were thanks to 80s horror movies. It was a golden age for both heavy metal and over-the-top horror cheese; I credit much of my personal growth to those countless nights watching people with questionable morals bleed out as some Aquanetted guy in pleather pants screeched on about how rock and roll will never die. If you’re like me, horror and heavy metal are two sides of the same coin, so before you scream “Satanic Panic,” let’s burn through a definitive list of the very best heavy metal songs to slay to.

12) Shadow – New Years Evil theme (New Years Evil)

“Call me Eeeeevil!”
New Years Evil is a double-header of ridiculous premise and execution, so it makes sense that a room full of punkers would circlepit into the new year with a hair metal band as a masked killer knocks people off at midnight in each time zone.

11) Thor – We Live to Rock (Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare)

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare is a cinematic abomination, but this song kind of rips, so let’s call it even. Plot breakdown: bodybuilder-cum-metalhead fronts a band and fights the Devil, with a serious nod to Krull. Interested? Of course you are.

10) Solid Gold – Blood Tracks (Blood Tracks)

https://youtu.be/Hy4BoSzOzGY

The band Solid Gold (played by an actual band called Easy Action) is shooting a music video in an abandoned warehouse in the mountains. The whole crew gets snowed in and hacked up in clever ways; there’s bonus heavy metal interspersed between the gore. Two of the Easy Action guys quit to join Europe, so I guess they traded up?

9) White Sister – April (You’re No Fool) (Killer Party)

https://youtu.be/frPvDXgZGOU

Killer Party gets the award for most false starts ever, and peaks with this musical number in the first 10 minutes. White Sister does their best Y&T impression (who themselves got popular for doing their best Journey impression) in a diner while undead teenagers dance-fight the survivor girl. If you’ve got 10 minutes, watch the beginning of Killer Party. If you’ve got an hour… just watch the first 10 minutes.

8) Sorcery – I’m Back (Rocktober Blood)

Rocktober Blood had one of those VHS covers I couldn’t look away from as a kid. The demon mask and ladybutt must have created some sort of short-circuit in my brain. Drug use, human sacrifice and onstage murder are the orders of the day, though I was severely disappointed that the mask wasn’t the killer’s real face. But who needs demonic possession when metal is enough reason to kill?

7) Spastic Colon – Virgin Girl (Shock Em Dead)

When else but the late 80s could a virtuoso guitarist play the multi-neck-guitar-soloing body double for a nerd who sells his soul to become a rock star? Michael Angelo Batio (of Nitro fame) cashed in all of his chips as the possessed version of a geek-turned-rock-god who forfeits his soul to play high school auditoriums. How pissed would you be if grunge usurped hair metal a couple years after making that kind of deal?

6) Pretty Maids – Night Danger (Demons)

https://youtu.be/60oXp3GDNLA

Not quite as memorable as Accept’s “Fast as a Shark,” due to no one tearing up a movie theater on a motorcycle while this one plays, but arguably a more entertaining song in general. Dario Argento may have never written a coherent plot, but at least he padded his movies with loads of metal songs.

5) King Kobra – Paradise/Rock Invasion (Black Roses)

Another possession-metal flick, featuring a demonic hair metal band that enjoys playing small Midwestern towns. Between this and Shock Em Dead, I’m left wondering why, if you’re imbued with the powers of Satan, would you waste your fame on high school auditoriums. There’s also a confusingly erotic scene later on with a demon-headed topless girl, if you’re into that sort of thing.

4) Fastway – Trick or Treat (Trick Or Treat)

https://youtu.be/fDLlf-WUwW4

If the fear of the Devil’s music was too subtle for you in Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare, then Fastway’s title track from 1986’s Trick Or Treat may be more your speed with lyrics like this:
“Rock and roll, rockin’ on a midnight, steal your soul”
Visionary poetry that is sure to reverberate through the centuries. Inscribe it on my tombstone, please.

3) Norden Light – No Escape (Opera)

As mentioned previously, Dario Argento had a serious chub for heavy metal. This track is by far my favorite from any of his films, and it totally rips. Arguably the thrashiest song on this list, though I’m sure my metal preferences are pretty evident by now – too bad that there is no escape!

2) 45 Grave – Partytime (Return of the Living Dead)

The greatest zombie movie ever made (fight me) has one of the best obscure heavy metal tracks playing as the dead rise from their graves. There’s not much to say about Return of the Living Dead or Partytime that hasn’t been said a million times, so I’ll leave it at, “You think this is a fuckin’ costume? This is a way of life!”

1) Dokken – Dream Warriors (Nightmare on Elm Street 3)

Would you expect any other song in the #1 slot? Of course not, since nothing compares to the glory that is Dream Warriors. This is easily the best song to come out of the franchise – sorry Nightmare on My Street.

Bang your head (not too hard, it’s too early for that), crack a beer (or diet soda, gotta watch those calories), and mosh your cubicle (maybe just tap your foot a little). Rock and roll may steal your soul, but sometimes it saves you from burn victim pedo-ghosts.

\m/

Honorable mention:
The metal song that instigates all of the terribleness in The Gate
Laaz Rockit – Leatherface (TCM3)
Iron Maiden – Flash of the Blade (Phenomenon)
Lizzy Borden – Me Against the World (Black Roses)
Alice Cooper – Teenage Frankenstein (not He’s Back, that song is terrible) (Jason Lives: Friday the 13th pt VI)
The Truth – Hidden (The Hidden)
Fair Game – Blind Faith (Bad Channels)
W.A.S.P. – Scream Until You Like It (Ghoulies 2)

Scott is a musician and founder of the 8-Bit Metal project Console Crash as well as the horror inspired 50’s rock band Survivor Girl. He’s also the co-host of the upcoming podcast Horror Movie Night which debuts July 6th on Geekscape.net