Can't Hardly Wait | Geekscape

You Can’t Go Back Part 3: Write You A Letter Tomorrow

by SaintmortMarch 23, 2017

I’ve been spending a lot of nights alone lately. Why is that? I’ve been unexplainably sad. I’m afraid to reach out to my friends because I’m afraid I’d be a bother. Do not worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ve been down this road a million times.

The problem with depression and anxiety is that it fills your head with thoughts that deep down you know aren’t true. You become concerned that you’re bothering your friends. When that happens, you feel like you only have two options: obsessively message them until you actually ARE bothering them, or shut yourself in.

Yesterday I randomly started watching videos of Mr. Rogers at work and sat crying quietly to myself for 20 minutes. What can I say… depression is a real bitch sometimes. After days like that, the only thing I can do is go home, put on pajamas, crawl into bed and watch one of my comfort movies.

You know how people have comfort foods? I think that’s a thing. I see people use the term all the time so it must be somewhat real right? In any case, I have comfort movies.

There are five of them. They are the movies that put me in a good head-space. They have very little credibility by film-standards but that doesn’t change the comforting nature they have.

When I was in Junior High/Freshmen year of High School, I felt alone a lot. This doesn’t mean I didn’t have friends (because I did) nor did it mean I was depressed all the time (although at times I certainly was), I just felt alone.

Most of my life I have been single. I’m 31 years old and I’ve spent just barely a year in a relationship. This is not to say I’ve avoided relationships. In fact more than any other thing in this world, I want to fall madly in love. I blame it on movies. It makes sense that movies would also be the thing that calms me down when I feel like I’m never going to find someone.

The comfort movies for me all deal with love in one way or another. Most of them it’s a main plot point (one it’s just a subplot). I can recall multiple Saturdays between 1998 and 2002 where I was alone in my parents house. I would get hungry and order a cheese steak from the pizzeria behind my house (Tom’s), walk over to pick up the Cheesesteak and then watch Empire Records, The Wedding Singer or Can’t Hardly Wait until the fears subsided.

I can never truly pin down what it was I saw in these movies that made me calm but I definitely have my guesses. In The Wedding Singer you have Adam Sandler playing Robbie Hart. Robbie desperately wants to get married and has ever since his parents died. When his bride no-shows their wedding he falls into a depression and is only saved by Julia (Drew Barrymore). Julia is a sweet girl who has a shitty boyfriend. Julia believes in Robbie’s ability to succeed, she believes he’ll find love but also sees something in him that all the women in past didn’t. While others saw him as a dude wasting his life singing cover songs at weddings she saw a genuinely good hearted guy who loved people and music but was talented enough to make it as a songwriter.

Wedding Singer was also the movie that gave me one of my first genuine celebrity crushes in Drew Barrymore. I loved her in this movie so much. I wanted someone that would believe I would succeed in all my dreams.

Empire Records. Well, that gave me hope of a dream job. Not necessarily working at record store (although I always wanted to), but a job where I was with my friends. We’d have fun. We’d talk pop culture and music. I lucked out. I found my Empire Records twice in my life. That would make 14 year old Matt Kelly really happy actually.

I’ll come back to Can’t Hardly Wait shortly. That movie is far too important to my life to summarize in a few sentences in the middle of this.

In the Summertime it would get incredible hot in my house, but the basement managed to always be freezing cold. I would sleep in the basement most Summers on the couch. Those summers I would watch the same two movies over and over again. American Pie and Loser. Both star Jason Biggs. This means really nothing, just that I have probably watched Jason Biggs act more than his own family.

Both movies filled the same purpose as Wedding Singer in the hopeless romanticism but it ran deeper than that. In American Pie, I saw hope of a sex life in High School. I wanted to believe someone would go to Prom with me, that I would get invited to the big party after Prom, that I’d have that high school memory. Meanwhile Loser gave me hope that I’d fall in love in college. That I’d meet that quirky, punk-rawk girl of my dreams and live happily ever after. I could hardly wait for those days.

June 12, 1998 the movie Can’t Hardly Wait was released into theaters. It was the last day of 6th grade. My friend Adam and I went to the mall and he made plans to see a movie with his girlfriend at the time. We were 13. There was nowhere for me to go. I couldn’t just drive home. So I sat by myself a few seats away. Adam and his girlfriend made out. I was captivated by the movie that played out before my eyes.

I had no desire to see this movie but midway through the film I knew I was watching something special. I knew these characters. I’ve heard people a few years my senior say that about when they watched John Hughes movies. This was my Breakfast Club, this was my Pretty in Pink. I KNEW these characters, and I was undeniably Preston Myer.

I had the ability to fall in love with a total stranger. I was able to build the fantasy of a future. It’s one of the toughest things about being a writer. You see someone that you like and within a few minutes you have written your entire life together. Vacations, dates, long drives, dinners, holidays… all of it has been written inside of your head. Preston’s letter… I understood everything that it represented.

Practically a year later I shared my first kiss at an end of the year party at Adam’s house. It was with my friend Claudia. Much like me, Claudia lived life by her own rules; we did it in different ways, but it lead to us both being outcasts. Despite our many differences, we were still friends. We respected each other’s uniqueness.

At the party everyone was drinking but myself. A crowd of kids went into the shed to play a game of spin the bottle. Claudia and I, ever the outcasts, went swimming in the pool instead. We were talking when suddenly she kissed me. It was a random beautiful moment and then it was over. We never dated, we always remained friends, we just shared one beautiful and special moment together in a pool and then went on with our lives.

Last year Claudia died. It was sudden and unexpected. At first I was shocked by the news, so I drove to the local diner and had a cup of tea and just sat there. Suddenly years of memories and regrets for years of silence all flowed into me at once. I couldn’t stop crying. I paid for my tea and went home and I watched Can’t Hardly Wait.

That movie is like a high school reunion with fictional representations of people I know. Claudia was there, so was Adam and there was I with a love letter. I’m still carrying the love letter with me, every day of my life. I eagerly await the day I can give it to someone who will appreciate it.

14 Of The Best Fake Bands EVER (In Movies)!

by scottevilAugust 27, 2015

Music and movies are like peanut butter and jelly, they just go together (and are quite filling, wouldn’t you say?) I got thinking recently about fake bands in movies and how they have the ability to elevate a film from mediocre to outstanding. So of course I had to make a list of my favorites.

RULES:
-Must be from movies (no TV themes or appearances, sorry Zack Attack)
-No traditional musicals (sorry Hedwig)
-No real bands portraying themselves (sorry Oingo Boingo and Tenacious D)
-Must have original music written for them (sorry Lone Rangers)

Pretty straightforward, right? Let’s get started!

14) Sex Bob-omb (Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World)

Michael Cera stars as himself again and is remarkably surrounded by good-looking people and multiple love interests. While there are other bands in Scott Pilgrim, I think the pivotal one really is his own Sex Bob-omb, a mixture of The Strokes and every garage band you watched in high school. But with way more expensive guitars.

13) Infant Sorrow (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

Russel Brand’s portrayal of ex-drunk free-love rocker Aldous Snow in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (and subsequently Get Him to the Greek) could easily have barreled into ‘obnoxious’ territory, and while Snow and his music is incredibly over-the-top, it seems to me that Brand just toes the line between being funny and being insufferable.

12) Big Fun (Heathers)

Anti-suicide PSA’s are rarely this infectious. But I mean, who didn’t accidentally pour bleach down the popular girl’s throat and make it look like a suicide in high school? It wasn’t your fault though – Christian Slater’s drugged-out stare would scramble any teen’s developing gray matter.

11) Stillwater (Almost Famous)

No list of fake bands is complete without the fictional Allman Brothers/Skynyrd pastiche of Stillwater in Cameron Crowe’s semi-autobiographical Almost Famous. Beyond having the most perfect handlebar mustaches seen since 1979, the band had music written for them by Crowe’s then-wife Nancy Wilson. You might remember her from a little band called HEART, but if you don’t, I might go Crazy on You.

10) Josie and the Pussycats (Josie and the Pussycats)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwoZi_NFQhA
Did you expect me to gloss over Rachael Leigh Cook’s best cinematic performance? Come on now. Add in Rosario Dawson and pre-botched plastic surgery Tara Reid, terrible fake instrument playing, villainess Parker Posey and her sniveling assistant Alan Cumming, and the most 90s female singer ever (Kay Hanley of Letters to Cleo), and you have this fantastically entertaining piece of crap. And to answer your question, no, I don’t know all the words to all of the songs on the soundtrack, why would you ask such a thing?

9) Steel Dragon (Rock Star)

Marky Mark living the dream as the lead singer of a heavy metal cover band, only to be skyrocketed to stardom by joining the actual heavy metal band he used to cover. How many singers in cover bands had their hopes raised and ruthlessly dashed by the hands of fate after watching Rock Star? Incalculable.

8) Lovebürger (Can’t Hardly Wait)

Breckin Meyer and Donald Faison argue about cowboy hats, frilly costumes and band shirts, and ALMOST get to play a song. I may be bending my rules a bit to shoehorn these guys in, but you gotta admit that stick count is sick and gets stuck in your head for days.

7) DuJour (Josie and the Pussycats)

Did you seriously think I wouldn’t leave a slot open for the most enduring fake boy band in cinema history? Sub-question: aren’t all boy bands fake? Breckin and Donald buried the hatchet after Lovebürger’s breakup, forming DuJour with Kenny Fisher, and the results are catchy as hell. I’m telling you, these guys are on fire.

6) Vicious Lips (Vicious Lips)

Ah, Vicious Lips. A great concept diminished by poor execution in the third (and kind of second) act. But if nothing else, it yields this fun little slab of Dayglo insanity, plus 3 other tunes that will make anyone reach for the leg warmers, Aquanet and maybe a bag of space grass.

5) Low Shoulder (Jennifer’s Body)

One of the best parts of movies featuring (but not focusing entirely on) fake bands is when their song keeps showing up to bother the main character. It doesn’t hurt when the song is fantastic, either… This one was written by a band called No Country, who also portrayed part of the band in the movie. I wouldn’t be surprised if they really were Satanists, this song is so good.

4) Lustra/Unnamed party band (Euro Trip)

Here’s another song that is presented in the first act and pops up regularly throughout the rest of the movie. “Scotty Doesn’t Know” was written for Euro Trip by an Aussie band called Lustra, fronted by neck-tattooed Matt Damon in the movie, becoming the unofficial anthem of the trip. Can you blame Scotty’s friends, though? This song is still awesome after over a decade of having it sung to me at parties.

3) Brian Slade (Velvet Goldmine)

While I would have preferred to feature Curt Wild instead of Brian Slade in this list, all of his songs are covers, and Brian had original material written for him. If you like glam rock and, in some strange universe, never watched Velvet Goldmine, go do it now. It’s a perfect time capsule back to the 90s obsession with the 60s.

2) Spinal Tap (This is Spinal Tap)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-9cFQJCCKE
The greatest and loudest fake metal band ever! It would be criminal as well as idiotic to not toss them up near the top of any list of this type. Volumes have been written about Spinal Tap, so I will let the music speak for itself, but be prepared for ROCK N ROLL.

1) The Wonders (That Thing You Do!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baWSsZRoj-M
While it’s difficult to pick a favorite fake band, I must hand the top slot over to The Wonders (pronounced Oh-need-ers, of course) due to the sheer perfection of the title track. I think that’s the big gamble you take when building a film around a fake band with a fake hit song – if the song is lackluster, no amount of cinematography or Oscar-worthy acting can save your premise. Luckily, Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne) knocked it out of the park here, but what would you expect from the guy who helped write the music for Cry-Baby?

EDIT: It has come to my attention that I missed 2 very important fake bands that require mentioning here:

Matt Noonan (Dead Man on Campus)

https://youtu.be/_j9BbR6bI_I?t=1m31s

And Rex Manning (Empire Records)

What do you think? Did I miss anybody worth singing about?

The Saint Mort Show Episode 48 – Harry Elfont

by SaintmortAugust 10, 2013

Harry Elfont wrote and directed 1998’s Can’t Hardly Wait which I saw as a child and it left a huge impact. I wrote a Retroactive Thinking article which Harry saw and tweeted a thank you to me. Being the whore I am I immediately asked him to do the podcast. Somehow I managed to convince him to do the show and let me overly praise him. Sorry for how obnoxious my geek out of this is.

Also Harry wrote/directed Josie and the Pussycats

The intro music contains the song Ocean City Windshield Punch from Facts

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Retroactive Thinking: ‘Can’t Hardly Wait’ is 15 Years Old

by SaintmortJune 11, 2013

Today is a huge day in the world of cinema.

You see, today Jurassic Park celebrates it’s 20th anniversary. The legendary film that broke records, captivated audiences with its groundbreaking special effects, and caused hundreds of kids around the world (myself included) to develop an extreme interest in dinosaurs (specifically the Raptor which pre-Jurassic Park most of us kids had never heard of). I really should be doing a Retroactive Thinking about it… but I’m not. I like Jurassic Park, it’s a great movie… but 5 years and one day after its release, a film came out that left a much larger impression on me. That movie is 1998’s Can’t Hardly Wait.

I grew up in the mid-90’s. What I mean by this, is that since I was born in 1985, it was 1994-1995 when I really started caring about stuff. Once you hit the double digits, you start to listen to your own music, start going to the mall by yourself, and begin attending movies without your parents because now you’re a junior high student. The 90’s was full of forgettable teen flicks, and this was the one that started it all.

Can’t Hardly Wait (released June 12th 1998) was written and directed by Harry Elfont and Deborah Kaplan (who’s only other directing job was the criminally under-appreciated Josie and the Pussycats). The film not only reignited the teen flick after years of absence, but remains the best film of the resurgence (on par with American Pie). The simple plot follows a group of high school students at a giant graduation party. The biggest focus of the movie is on Preston Meyers, who has been in love with Amanda Beckett since freshmen year, but as long as he’s known her, she’s been dating Mike Dexter. Finally, on graduation day Mike and Amanda break up, and it’s Preston’s chance to tell her how he really feels.

We also follow the nerdy William Lichter as he attempts to get revenge on Mike Dexter, and Wigger Kenny Fisher (Seth Green) trying to lose his virginity. There are plenty of other small plot-lines mixed into the film (including a brilliant one about a high school band’s first show).

So why did this movie leave such a massive impact on me? It goes back to 1998. As shocking as it may be to you readers, but I was a bit of a geek in Jr. High. I remember this movie’s trailer and I remember not really having an opinion about it. Unlike when I saw something like The Phantom Menace trailer, I didn’t say ‘Man, I have to see that’. At the time I was hanging out with Adam, a kid who was my best friend throughout Junior High (and then we kinda went our separate ways in high school). I’ll always remember the day we finished 6th grade and felt like 2 grown ups (I, of course wouldn’t be an actual grown up until… well… I’m probably still not a genuine adult). I was invited by Adam to see this movie after our last day of school with a girl he was dating and her friend. As per usual, the girl’s friend had zero interest in me, so instead of getting my make-out on I just sat in a mostly empty theater watching Can’t Hardly Wait.

Can’t Hardly Wait was a rare type of movie. It was the only 90’s teen flick (again, except for maybe American Pie) that really had an 80’s feel to it. What I mean by that, is that the characters were relatable and very real. They represented the various cliche’s realistically without being stereotypes (much like Breakfast Club). It was the first time I felt like I was seeing my classmates accurately depicted on the big screen.

Six years after it’s release, I graduated high school, and while I didn’t attend a giant graduation party, I did attend a small party at my Salutatorian’s house. It was a typical gathering of high school outcasts. We decided to put on Can’t Hardly Wait, and we quickly realized that despite the film coming out when we were in 7th grade, we still graduated with those characters.

Every time I watch Can’t Hardly Wait, I desperately want to write my own teen flick. One day I will I’m sure, but no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ll never create a teen movie as incredible and relatable as this film.

Simply put, I love the shit out of this movie. I’ve even attended at least three Halloween Parties dressed as Kenny Fisher (see below). Some people own every version of Star Wars ever released, and I’ve purchased every version of Can’t Hardly Wait made available. The VHS, the DVD, The 10 year reunion DVD, and on the day that Harry and Deborah release the uncut R version of the movie on Blu-Ray I will purchase it as well (and probably a Blu-Ray player so I can watch it).

You may be asking ‘an R rated version?’ In order to get a PG-13 there were various scenes that had to be cut from the movie. This also involved us losing one of the main characters in the original film, Crying Drunk Girl. Crying Drunk Girl (played by Jennifer Elise Cox) was the key character linking all the storylines together. The joke being that she hears Denise and Kenny get locked in a bathroom, she knows Preston, and offers to help Amanda find him. However, no one can understand her because she’s too drunk to produce genuine words. All of her dialogue would have appeared as subtitles letting audiences in on the joke. She eventually hooks up with the foreign exchange student.

Amber Benson and Jason Segel in Can't Hardly Wait — Amber Benson and Jason Segel in Can’t Hardly Wait

Two other characters, Stoned Girl (played by Amber Benson) and Watermelon Guy (Played by Jason Segel) saw a major cut to their screentime. Segel originally had a scene explained that for the last year he’s been soaking a Watermelon in Vodka, while Benson’s character only appears on screen for 2 seconds staring at a banana. Here’s hoping that somewhere an unrated version of the movie will see the light of day.

So, take some time and remember the 1998 film that launched enough careers that my friends and I like to play “Six Degrees to Can’t Hardly Wait”. Maybe Doug Benson will play that on Doug Loves Movies… in fact, I’m going to tweet that at him.

The Best Onscreen High School Parties

by MCDaveMarch 7, 2012

With the recent release of the most outrageous High School party movie ever made, Project X, I decided to pay homage to some of its predecessors. I decided to tally the top 5 onscreen High School parties of all-time. While compiling my list I took into account the amount of screen time attributed to the parties and how significant they were to the film’s central purpose. Therefore, some epic party scenes didn’t make the cut. My apologies to avid fans of my honorable mention list which includes Risky Business, Never Back Down, and Not Another Teen Movie. And the top 5 are …

#5 Superbad: Whether you lost it during the scene where McLovin’s cop friends unknowingly cockblock him or the instance where Evan’s blowjob offer turns into a puke parade, 2007’s Superbad has it all. Coupling unforgettable characters with a rowdy good time, there’s no question that Superbad‘s party scene is a memorable one.

#4 Weird Science: In the 1985 classic Weird Science, Gary and Wyatt are best friends who attempt to create the perfect virtual woman. However, their wildest dreams become a reality when they actual create a real life hottie that they name Lisa. Lisa’s sexiness is far surpassed by her various superhuman abilities. The boys use Lisa and her powers as a way to throw a huge party, but things go mightily wrong when Lisa conjures up some mutant bikers to stir some controversy. With Weird Science, director John Hughes creates yet another legendary party scene.

Even the rock band Kiss loves a party in the woods

#3 Dazed and Confused: Now is the perfect time to remind everyone that this list isn’t about which movies are better, it’s about the party scenes. With the 1993 coming of age classic Dazed and Confused, a mishap with the keg delivery forces a bunch of High School students to relocate their party to the woods. With notable scenes galore, both comical and dramatic, Dazed and Confused reminds us how awesome it can be to party it up in nature.

#2 American Pie: Desperate to get laid on prom night, 1999’s American Pie is the quintessential High School comedy. And when that faithful night arrives, the after party is filled with monumental laugh out loud scenes. Perhaps none of the post-prom storylines are as hilarious as Finch’s quest to take down Stifler’s mom. Kudos to you Mr Finch for giving teenage boys across the world a reason to believe.

It's always important to limber up before physical activities

#1 Can’t Hardly Wait: Having almost the entire film centered around one big epic party, 1998’s Can’t Hardly Wait tops the list. Offering more than just one of the greatest in-movie soundtracks of all time, Can’t Hardly Wait delivers an unforgettable look at a collection of High School Seniors in search of grandeur on graduation day. With characters like the goggle-wearing Kenny who debates “double bagging it” and the nerd turned big shot for an evening William, what’s not to love? Can’t Hardly Wait is the party we all wished we were at, and don’t try to deny it!

Note: MCDave also spends his down time critiquing films at Movie Reviews By Dave