When I first heard Scarlett Johansson’s debut album, “Anywhere I Lay My Head”, it got me thinking about how many other actors there were out there who made records. Well, there were a lot. So, I trudged through quite a few to compile this list for you. These are the worst of the worst. The repeat offenders. These songs make you wonder what the hell is going on in the recording industry, and then realize that it’s full of a lot of people who take themselves, and their singing abilities, far too seriously. Feel free to thank me later. (Seriously, this was a painful undertaking – let’s talk musical bullets…)
#10. Milla Jovovich – She lands in spot #10 on this list because her voice isn’t terrible. In fact, at some notes it can be almost pretty. However her music for the most part is an almost comical Ukranian pop. Now, I certainly understand this given her roots; but it doesn’t make for compelling music outside of her home country. Another aspect of her musical talents that is almost comical is the music video for her lone single “Gentlemen Who Fell”. The expression she makes at some points in the video made me laugh like a mad woman…her eyes almost bulge from her face, Total Recall style. And what’s with the grim reaper character? Milla is a beautiful, talented woman…she’s just not a musician.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=eSCFAxxCO7Q
#9. Russell Crowe – Yes, Russell Crowe is in a band, well was…errr….is? The actor’s most recent band is The Ordinary Fear of God; however back in the 90’s he was the front-man for 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. However sultry and smooth Crowe’s voice may be on screen, it doesn’t translate that well to music. He isn’t able to hit a lot of notes, and the ones he does hit he can’t actually hold for any length of time. It’s a good thing that almost nobody heard his music, otherwise it might have tainted his career!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lIwKkF50tMc&feature=related
#8. Bruce Willis – Willis released three albums during his career, the first two were in the 80’s and the latest, “Classic Bruce Willis” in 2001. For some reason, as bad as his albums were, I feel inclined to not give Willis too much hell about it. Here’s why:
He seems like a pretty stand up guy in personal matters of his life. Let’s take for example his divorce from Demi Moore. The pair never fought in public and have acted like adults and friends throughout the entire ordeal. Also, Willis’ career is the stuff that dreams are made of. And finally, he’s managed to stay alive and important in Hollywood since 1980…that is a very remarkable feat to accomplish in an extremely fickle business. Now, don’t get me wrong, the man is not a singer (please, please never buy his music) and his albums are absolutely terrible – but he didn’t sell himself out as much as let’s say… Hasselhoff.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=C8mL_QM6jEU&feature=related
#7. Jennifer Love Hewitt – She broke out into the music scene around the same time that she started garnering moderate successes within her acting career…and her music is bad enough to be on this list. For some reason she made it big in Asia, so record companies let her continue to put out music; needless to say, she didn’t have too much commercial success in the US. She is talented enough to help write her own music, but it’s so damn syrupy-sweet and sugar-coated that it makes you want to gag and leaves you grasping for water. Her voice rubs me the same way. I feel as though I could get diabetes from listening to more than one song. I know a lot of people with diabetes and I don’t want to get that from a song.
And she, like the other women on this list, runs the risk of appearing to be selling not only her vocals, but her body as well. Alas, little Jenn Love’s musical pitfalls haven’t hurt her career in the least; as she continues to grace the covers of men’s magazines flaunted as a sex-symbol and has managed to stay afloat with an acting career that, while not Oscar worthy, is quite consistent.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IiNRBijQ2XU
#6. Jennifer Lopez – It is a fact that JLo can dance and sometimes she can even act; but what she cannot do is sing. The diva’s songs fall terribly short when she doesn’t have someone like Nas or P. Diddy to help her through and it seems as though she can only hit one note. Thanks to a large budget and friends in good places, her beats aren’t too awful, but the writing is ridiculous:
“I stay grounded as the amounts roll in…I’m down to Earth like this…”
I somehow think most of America might disagree. She sings these lines while wearing nothing but high heels, red lipstick and a fur coat. Her songs constantly speak of how she came from humble beginnings to finally make it big in the business, but let’s all be serious…she hasn’t been “Jenny From The Block” in a long long time, so who exactly is she trying to convince? Her music videos beg one question- what exactly is she trying to put on the market? I get the feeling that it’s not her vocal stylings….
http://youtube.com/watch?v=iyZr0xBUR_E
#5. Keanu Reeves – Given that the actor has only one look (and it’s nowhere near as good as Blue Steel) what could we really ever expect from his band? Dogstar released their first album in 1996, shortly after Reeves’ film success with Speed. The band was never really commercially successful and it’s really no surprise at all. They tried to play on the grunge/ alternative rock movement that was making waves in the 90’s…but with some odd cover songs plucked from previous decades. The vocalist cannot sing…he sounds as though he is in pain when trying to do so, and the songs are boring and bland. I realize that even movie stars need to have hobbies, but why do we have to be subjected to them?
Link: No one should have to look at (or listen to) Keanu any more than necessary.
#4. Scarlett Johansson – You would think that it would be enough for one person to be both Woody Allen’s “muse” and one of the most beautiful women on the planet…not for Scarlett Johansson; she had to record an album too! I really wanted to like her record, and I swear I tried to do so, but it just wasn’t going to happen. So not only did Scarlett give herself the difficult task of recording said album, she decided that the material was going to be solely Tom Waits cover songs. This is really where she went wrong. Her voice, though smoky and sexy on screen, isn’t nearly complex enough on this album…instead it falls abruptly flat. She never came close to rekindling the fire that Waits had, even though it sounds like she really tried to. The whole thing sounds like something anyone could whip up with Garage Band – this album does not sound like a major label debut.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_27vvvStXI
#3. Steven Seagal – Ok, really. How the hell did Seagal get a record contract? Who is seeing his movies and listening to his music? I don’t get it. Where does someone get the idea that Seagal should even record an album in the first place? The “singer”, and I use that term very loosely here, struggles heavily through the vocals on both records released: “Mojo Priest” and “Songs From The Crystal Cave”- album titles that sound more like awful movies that he starred in. Seagal is heavily backed with decent musicians, so if you do decide to listen to his music, please don’t confuse the two. The worst part about the whole endeavor is that he seems to take himself seriously…trying to play guitar and sing…which seems to just be too big a feat for him to tackle – and this time he doesn’t have his stunt double.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7Qw5bKTBQE4
#2. Joe Pesci – Ok, Who didn’t love “My Cousin Vinny”? Really…classic movie. However, it seems that Joe Pesci just couldn’t let it go. About six years after “Vinny” premiered, Pesci recorded one of the worst albums ever, “Vincent Laguardia Gambini Sings Just For You”, a stereotypical and cliche homage to his character in the film. For some inane reason every song on the disc is explicit (Did they really think cursing would add something to this record?). It’s hard not to laugh as Pesci basically talks his way through the entirety, spouting nonsense such as
“I’m a wiseguy…
[insert Mr. Rogers theme song melody]
lovely day in the neighborhood
lovely day in the neighborhood
for a drive by”.
Not only can Pesci not sing…nor does he really even attempt to, but I sincerely hope that whoever wrote the lyrics for this record has never worked since. This album has no redeeming qualities and it makes you sit back and wonder how hard it really is to get a record deal with Sony.
Shortened-edited version of a song…this is really all anyone should ever have to sit through. It’s so bad, you have to watch it…maybe that’s its appeal…hmmm….
http://youtube.com/watch?v=TTKGO20nxNs
#1. David Hasselhoff- Yes, Germans know beer and yes, they know cars…but what they don’t have a clue about is music – apparently. Enter David Hasselhoff – huge in Germany, ridiculed in every other western country. This guy has recorded more albums that I originally thought, and I knew he had at least a few under his belt. Hasselhoff was clearly not meant to be a singer. He shifts between a pseudo sexy whisper and a wailing cry more than KITT shifted gears. He’s mostly off key and sounds like he is taking his singing as seriously as he did his character on Baywatch. His songs all sound like they were recorded on an old Casio keyboard with crappy 90’s sound effects strewn throughout for good measure. Even more cheesy, however, are his music videos…check out “Hooked on a Feeling” for a strong belly laugh (it totally makes you understand his desire to drink). The only time I want to be watching David is when he is on his floor eating burgers and breaking promises 🙂
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8
There are a few actors who sing and don’t actually suck. Yes, there are exceptions to the general rule. Here are some honorable mentions:
Will Smith – I don’t think he deserves a Grammy or anything, but he can sing and his songs have good rhythm. He’s very pop meets safe hip-hop, but he still deserves the airplay he got. Unarguably, Smith is a better actor than musician, but the man seems to be able to do anything with at least some charisma.
She + Him- Zoey Deschanel’s indie rock project is actually good. Everyone who saw Elf knows the girl can sing, but this album proves she’s got a little more soul than other cookie cutter groups.
30 Seconds to Mars – I think I would have less of a problem with this band if Jared Leto had less of an ego – we can wish can’t we? But, in all honesty, their songs are decent and commercially viable. And it doesn’t hurt that Leto isn’t exactly ugly. They certainly don’t deserve to be on the other part of this list…yet.