You know when you find yourself in a place of boredom blindly scrolling through options to watch with nothing new or rather of interest popping up and you are not awake enough to read? That was me when I stumbled upon Gen V. Full honesty, I had seen it promoted but had not paid mind enough to note that it in fact had already been released. But shortly after clicking play, my giving it a shot Hamilton-style would pay off.

Having not seen any of the directly related series, The Boys, the only way I can think to describe Gen V is to say it is like a blended mixture of rawer complexity and Sky High with an added in ensemble’s strength like that of The Magicians – which is an overly verbalized way to say I really liked it. I do not believe it to be perfection but I do see it to be truly one of a kind with celebrated diversity via all aspects of life and personages. What I found to be its best attribute is in that Gen V tackles so many issues in a way only a TV-MA-rated series could. Whilst some experiences are presented beneath sarcasm and dark humor, others more harsh are shown transparently in sometimes possibly triggering ways (ED/SA). Gen V is a rather well-written well-paced bizarre sometimes gory sci-fi piece with a potential to accrue quite a fanbase if word-of-mouth aka social media presents it binge-worthy enough to popularize – which is to say to the world, I personally do.

**Featured image: All rights reserved to Amazon Prime Video.

It’s the episode that has Captain Janeway casting away science! Oh no! But also the episode that has Captain Janeway casting aside her clothes!
Awwyeaaaah.
In “Sacred Ground”, Kes walks into a big shiny hole while on an away mission and gets zapped into a coma. Luckily, Jacqueline Lopez and Jennifer Zhang drink a big shiny bottle and get buzzed into drunks… all while doing a deep dive into a rare STAR TREK: VOYAGER episode that pits science against spirituality.
And if you have thoughts, feel free to send them into the big shiny hole that we call our inbox: engage@sevenofwine.com

 

Be Part Of Our Federation. We Have Wine.

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When mysterious photonic beings get caught up in a fictitious war that’s being waged in Tom Paris’s 1930s sci-fi holonovel, it’s all hands on holodeck! This fan favorite (and arguably most meme-able) episode of Star Trek: Voyager, “Bride of Chaotica!” sees our dear Captain Janeway on a mission to boldly act where no one has acted before…

…in Chaotica’s mountaintop base of operations, as the deliciously fiendish queen of the Spider People!

But first, coffee.

Can “Arachnia” seduce and cleverly dominate this intergalactic evil? Will Tom ever get over the embarrassment of everyone finding out how he spends his free time? Will Jacqueline Lopez and Jennifer Zhang be able to polish off the rosé they’ve selected for the occasion? Find out on this week’s episode of Seven of Wine!

And as always, it would thrill us to hear from you. Quick! activate your Imagizer and beam us an electronic gram: engage@sevenofwine.com

Be Part Of Our Federation. We Have Wine.

Subscribe on iTunes to take us on the go and play us on your Personal Access Display Device. Or your phone or whatever.

Like our Facebook page for additional vids that we’ll make with your suggestions as inspiration!

Follow our Instagram for our fun Trek shenanigans in the form of photons distributed in patterns in two dimensions.

Follow our Twitter for our pithy Trek musings and humor. Meme me up, Scotty!

Author Adam Korenman arrives on the show to talk about his brand new science fiction novel ‘When Skies Fall’, the second book in The Gray Wars Saga! Along the way, he talks about the current state of indie publishing, the decade plus struggle it took to get The Gray Wars Saga published and the impetus for the story! We also talk about the early days (and frustrations) of Star Wars MMORPGs, I freak out over the new Star Wars VR experience from TheVoid and Adam offers up some very good advice to writers! If you love books, sci-fi or just great conversation, this is a solid episode! Enjoy!

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We’re talking comics this week with Zack Kaplan, the writer of Top Cow’s newest book ‘Eclipse’, a near future sci-fi story in which sunlight has become lethal to humans! Zack and I discuss the origins of the story, his long history as a poker player (and dealer!) and why you should pick this book up NOW! We also discuss some highlights of Stan Lee’s LA Comic Con, our impressions of the ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2’ trailer and look forward to the big Nintendo reveal plus trailers for ‘Logan’ and ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’!

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Filmmaker Canyon Prince is a long time Geekscape friend and guest and now he’s got another movie going into production: the female-led Science Fiction road film ‘Venus’! Along for the ride are producer and lead Elizabeth Cron and actress Brittaney Morrison (be careful on the pronunciation)! We talk about putting the film together, what makes this different than other alien movies and look forward to the film’s Indiegogo campaign! This is one you’ll definitely want to be a part of!

Visit the Venus Facebook Page for Updates!

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Briefly: Anyone feel like the marketing for next year’s too-short ‘The X-Files’ run has been pretty phenomenal so far?

Yeah, me too. From the first teasers, to the full trailerstylish posters, and beyond, Fox knows that they have a hit on their hands (and a good one, based on the impressions that we heard from NYCC), and are doing all that they can to drum up excitement from fans of the original series.

That trend continues with the latest look at the upcoming season. I almost feel, however, that at the current rate that Fox is promoting new footage for the upcoming six episodes, there isn’t going to be any new footage to see come January’s premiere!

Thirteen years after the original series run, the next mind-bending chapter of THE X-FILES will be a thrilling, six-episode event series helmed by creator/executive producer Chris Carter, with stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson re-inhabiting their roles as iconic FBI Agents FOX MULDER and DANA SCULLY. This marks the momentous return of the Emmy- and Golden Globe Award-winning pop culture phenomenon, which remains one of the longest-running sci-fi series in network television history. Production on THE X-FILES event series is set to begin in summer 2015.

THE X-FILES originally premiered in September 1993. Over the course of its nine-season run, the influential series went from breakout sci-fi favorite to massive global hit, and became one of the most successful television dramas of all time. The show, which earned 16 Emmy Awards, five Golden Globes and a Peabody Award, follows FBI special agents Scully (Anderson) and Mulder (Duchovny), as they investigate unexplained cases – “X-Files” – for which the only answers involve paranormal phenomena.

In any case, trust no one, take a look at the new trailer below, and let us know what you hope to see in the January 24th premiere!

Briefly: Anyone feel like the marketing for next year’s too-short ‘The X-Files’ run has been pretty phenomenal so far?

Yeah, me too. From the first teasers, to the full trailer, stylish posters, and beyond, Fox knows that they have a hit on their hands (and a good one, based on the impressions that we heard from NYCC), and are doing all that they can to drum up excitement from fans of the original series.

That trend continues with the latest teaser for the upcoming season. I almost feel, however, that at the current rate that Fox is promoting new footage for the upcoming six episodes, there isn’t going to be any new footage to see come January’s premiere!

Thirteen years after the original series run, the next mind-bending chapter of THE X-FILES will be a thrilling, six-episode event series helmed by creator/executive producer Chris Carter, with stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson re-inhabiting their roles as iconic FBI Agents FOX MULDER and DANA SCULLY. This marks the momentous return of the Emmy- and Golden Globe Award-winning pop culture phenomenon, which remains one of the longest-running sci-fi series in network television history. Production on THE X-FILES event series is set to begin in summer 2015.

THE X-FILES originally premiered in September 1993. Over the course of its nine-season run, the influential series went from breakout sci-fi favorite to massive global hit, and became one of the most successful television dramas of all time. The show, which earned 16 Emmy Awards, five Golden Globes and a Peabody Award, follows FBI special agents Scully (Anderson) and Mulder (Duchovny), as they investigate unexplained cases – “X-Files” – for which the only answers involve paranormal phenomena.

In any case, trust no one, take a look at the new trailer below, and let us know what you hope to see in the January 24th premiere!

https://youtu.be/szVb8-c9oH4

Briefly: Is it January yet?

Marketing for the upcoming six-episode revival of The X-Files has been pretty stellar thus far. From the first teasers, to the full trailer, stylish posters, and beyond, Fox knows that they have a hit on their hands (and a good one, based on the impressions that we heard from NYCC), and are doing all that they can to drum up excitement from fans of the original series.

Well, Fox just released a new poster, and it’s definitely doing some fan service. It’s doing a pretty damned good job of it, too. What? You thought that the Cigarette Smoking Man was dead? Looks like you were wrong.

Thirteen years after the original series run, the next mind-bending chapter of THE X-FILES will be a thrilling, six-episode event series helmed by creator/executive producer Chris Carter, with stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson re-inhabiting their roles as iconic FBI Agents FOX MULDER and DANA SCULLY. This marks the momentous return of the Emmy- and Golden Globe Award-winning pop culture phenomenon, which remains one of the longest-running sci-fi series in network television history. Production on THE X-FILES event series is set to begin in summer 2015.

THE X-FILES originally premiered in September 1993. Over the course of its nine-season run, the influential series went from breakout sci-fi favorite to massive global hit, and became one of the most successful television dramas of all time. The show, which earned 16 Emmy Awards, five Golden Globes and a Peabody Award, follows FBI special agents Scully (Anderson) and Mulder (Duchovny), as they investigate unexplained cases – “X-Files” – for which the only answers involve paranormal phenomena.

Take a look at the new poster below (via TVLine), and let us know if you’re looking forward to the miniseries. The X-Files premieres this January!

CSM

Briefly: Following the exciting-as-hell full trailer from just last week, Fox today debuted a fantastic new poster for its upcoming The X-Files limited series.

Thirteen years after the original series run, the next mind-bending chapter of THE X-FILES will be a thrilling, six-episode event series helmed by creator/executive producer Chris Carter, with stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson re-inhabiting their roles as iconic FBI Agents FOX MULDER and DANA SCULLY. This marks the momentous return of the Emmy- and Golden Globe Award-winning pop culture phenomenon, which remains one of the longest-running sci-fi series in network television history. Production on THE X-FILES event series is set to begin in summer 2015.

THE X-FILES originally premiered in September 1993. Over the course of its nine-season run, the influential series went from breakout sci-fi favorite to massive global hit, and became one of the most successful television dramas of all time. The show, which earned 16 Emmy Awards, five Golden Globes and a Peabody Award, follows FBI special agents Scully (Anderson) and Mulder (Duchovny), as they investigate unexplained cases – “X-Files” – for which the only answers involve paranormal phenomena.

Lucky New York Comic-Con attendees will have a chance to see the 6-episode season’s premiere episode far earlier than the rest of us, who will be waiting until the end of January next year.

Take a look at the image below, and let us know if you’re excited for Mulder and Sculley’s return!

XFilesPoster

I believe. I believe so fucking hard.

Fox has JUST released the OFFICIAL trailer (there were some shady bootlegs rolling around yesterday)  for the upcoming continuation of the beloved sci fi television series The X-Files. Watch this trailer with me, and believe.

https://youtu.be/_1SmJUBT5q0

In 2016 FOX presents the next mind-bending chapter of, THE X-FILES, with a six-episode event series from creator/executive producer Chris Carter. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson return as Mulder and Scully in, THE X-FILES!

If you’ve been living under a rock forever, The X-Files is one of the quintessential sci fi TV programs out there. It’s groundbreaking storytelling and narrative spawned an entire generation of shows and films in a similar ilk.

Earlier this year it was confirmed that the show would return as a six party miniseries.

The trailer was amazing, it was like I was jettisoned back to my youth. Terrified but intrigued of what I was seeing on my television.

The trailer really is hitting on the current troupes of the “conspiracy theory” community. What with things like the NDAA, The Snowden Leaks, Operation Northwoods, Agenda 21, Operation paperclip, Operation Mockingbird (is it apparent that I like to read up on these things?) Chris Carter and his team are definitely going to be bringing an interesting story to the airwaves.

The X-Files returns to the airwaves January 24th 2016!

In celebration of the July 24th release of Star Trek: The Next Generation on Blu-Ray, the show is going where no one episode has gone before.

Star Trek: The Next Generation 25th Anniversary Event will be in theaters nationwide for one night only on Monday, July 23. The showing will include two fan-favorite episodes, “Where No One Has Gone Before” and “Datalore”, as well as a sneak peek at the Blu-Ray’s behind-the-scenes special features.

The TNG episode "Datalore" was a head of its time.

Trekkers can get their hands on tickets from the Fathom Events website starting on Friday, June 8th. You can thank CBS Home Entertainment and Paramount Home Media Distribution, who partnered with NCM Fathom Events to make it so.

When I was a kid, I read A LOT. I devoured everything I could get my hands on, from William Shakespeare to John Grisham. Fortunately for me, my elementary school had an extensive library of donated books, and every few days, I would check out my two-item limit.

Capt. O.G. Readmore: he was like the Smokey the Bear of childhood literacy. In retrospect, I think he was also a schizophrenic homeless cat.

My favorite books were always anthologies. Getting to read an entire story in one sitting was perfect for a kid with a short attention span. My library had great genre fiction collections: horror and sci-fi anthologies with titles like A Cavalcade of Monsters and Amazing Worlds.

Some time around 1990, I read a story with time travel, robots, and mind control. I have always remembered this story because it was told BACKWARDS. Long before Christopher Nolan’s Memento or that X-Files episode, this little story told end-to-beginning blew my mind. It completely changed the way I thought of narrative. It affected me as a reader and writer for years after.

I grew up in the 80s and am obsessed with time travel. Who could say why?

But between my short attention span and the impressive volume of volumes I consumed, I forgot the title of the story. And the author. And the name of the anthology. I remembered the plot pretty well, but forgot every bit of information I would need to track down a copy. It wasn’t even worth asking a librarian. I’d sound like my grandmother trying to recall a movie: “the one with the guy who meets the girl and fights the other guy”.

As computers became more commonplace (yes, kids, there was a time when not everyone had them), I thought I would finally have a new method to find this lost gem. The Internet is an extraordinary repository of knowledge, and is literally full of tools called “search engines”. But I still couldn’t find the story.

Cutting edge technology, once.

I didn’t have any keywords- no words from the title, no character names, no publication date. Every search led to thousands of results for the same few common short stories. When I would pore over lists of sci-fi short stories, nothing was familiar to me.

So for many years, any time I had a conversation about life-changing stories, I would describe this lost tale. My interest would be renewed, and my futile search would be invigorated. Always to no avail. It seemed like I would never find my precious needle in the information haystack that is the Internet.

The Internet (artist's interpretation)

Then I heard about a website that seemed to be exactly what I was looking for. WhatsThatBook.com is a site that allows people with fond but fuzzy memories to locate lost titles. Bibliomnesiacs like me can sign up and write a post describing the book as accurately as possible, using everything from character attributes to cover images. Literary-minded peers peruse the entries hoping, like the firemen of Fahrenheit 451, to hunt down the fugitive tomes.

I didn’t expect this to function as planned, as, to quote Dark Helmet, “Even in the future nothing works.” But I reckoned I might as well give this a shot. So, I put in the best description I could, highlighting the unusual structure. I cannot tell you how surprised and delighted I was to receive a response with the name of the story and author within ONE DAY!

This is how I felt. If you can't remember the name of the classic children's book from which I took this image, I have a website I can recommend...

In this age of very vocal complaint, I think it’s important to take the time to celebrate things that work as they should. And the next time I get the urge to rant about the rancor resulting from the anonymity of the web, I’ll remember that it was a stranger on the Internet who helped me find something I had been seeking for over 20 years.

By the way, the writer whose name I couldn’t recall was “Mimsy Were the Borogoves” co-author Henry Kuttner. The short story’s title?

“Happy Ending”.

The sci-fi genre (including science fiction, fantasy, and horror) has a long history of unofficial equal rights advocacy. As far back as the 18th and 19th century, sci-fi stories like Gulliver’s Travels and The Time Machine subtly touched on topics of racial intolerance and class disparity. The 1950s brought us The Twilight Zone, an anthology of morality plays, many of which dealt with racial injustice. In the 1960s, Star Trek repeatedly championed the civil rights movement, airing television’s first multiracial kiss and producing episodes like “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”, a deft allegory of the consequences of racism. In the late 60s and 70s, George A. Romero put strong black characters in leading roles in his socially conscious zombie films.

A member of the noble race of aliens from "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", seen here next to one of the dirty, inferior race.

So how is it that after two centuries of progressive, forward-thinking literature, racism has begun to pervade sci-fi? Since the turn of the millennium, there have been a few prominent examples of bald racism in the sci-fi world. These may be isolated incidents, but they do have one glaring common aspect: they were all defended by fans. Rather than a public consensus shaming the offenders into apology, which has become the protocol in these situations (see: Michael Richards), in each of these cases fans mounted a counter-argument denying any existence of racism. These have not been good arguments, but they have, like creation “science”, been enough to muddy the waters for those who don’t want to see the truth.

POD RACE WARS

In 1999, the lifetime of anticipation millions of Star Wars fans had built up waiting for Episode I finally ended. And it ended the way every lifetime does: with death. The pristene sense of wonder and joy that was born out of seeing Star Wars for the first time died that day. And out of its ashes grew a bitter cynicism from which society will not recover until the only ones left are the kids who saw the prequels first, carefree and ignorant without a frame of reference for what should have been.

I believe the children are our future. At least, I used to...

On a laundry list of complaints about The Phantom Menace, the use of racism as a storytelling device certainly takes priority. At least three different alien races in the film, in voice, dress, and manner, are indistinguishable from specific racial stereotypes. The Neimoidians, leaders of the Trade Federation, with their large-sleeved robes, bowing, and thick Asian “r” and “l” switching accents are clear corollaries for the Japanese. Watto, a hairy, big-nosed, money-obsessed junk dealer is an overt Semitic caricature. And then there’s Jar Jar Binks and the Gungans, with their definitive Porgy and Bess accents are obviously stand-ins for native Caribbeans. All of these characters are depictions of racial stereotypes, and all of them are bad. The Trade Federation are in league with the Sith, Watto is an unscrupulous slave owner, and Jar Jar is a rude, lazy fool.

"Meesa ashamed of reinforcing negative racial preconceptions."

Some fans refuse to believe these characters are the product of racism. These fans contend that the alien races are original compilations of traits, and racially sensitive people pick out specific traits they associate with races and extrapolate racism that isn’t there. But it isn’t just one trait; it’s the whole package. There’s a reason the Anti-Defamation League hasn’t ever voiced serious concerns about the anti-Semitic undertones of gold-hoarding dragons. Because that is extrapolating association from a single trait. That’s not what they do. No one came to Star Wars looking for racism. They saw it because it smacked them in the face.

There were several offensive characters in Phantom Menace, but this one wins by a nose.

Another common defense is simply to ask why Lucas would put in racist stereotypes. In other words, these fans are demanding the prosecution show motive. Well, the motive is simple and sad: lazy writing. A thoughtful, creative writer will spend time developing characters, but a lazy writer can import easily recognized stereotypes in place of unique characters. Essentially it’s like stealing a stock character from another work of fiction, only this time the fiction is the magical world that racists live in.

Compare the races of Episode I with those of the Lord of the Rings series. J.R.R. Tolkien practically invented what we think of as elves and dwarves not by recontextualizing pre-existing stereotypes but by creating a world and considering how that world’s history and landscape would affect how societies developed. Each race has a specific set of culturally inherent traits, but even if they share any history with or bear any resemblance to real peoples, they don’t stick out as identical with persistent stereotypes. And Tolkien was part of the tradition of promoting racial unity as Gimli the dwarf found friendship with elf Legolas. Of course their common ground was the hunting and killing of a third race, but hey, Orcs are jerks. Even Dr. King said we could judge people by the content of their character.

The ACLU isn't goin' anywhere near this one.

You don’t even have to leave the Star Wars universe to find an example of well-done race introduction. A New Hope‘s Mos Eisley Cantina is full of many different alien races, all distinct and imaginative variations on basic animal features. Their manner and clothing tell us immediately that these creatures are sentient despite reminding no one in any way of any human race or even the human race.

Scum? Sure. Villainy? You bet. Stereotypes? No.

The “shorthand” of racial stereotypes is unnecessary to convey an individual’s personality or even the cultural identity of a recently introduced alien race; good storytellers are able to give us this information through good writing. Lucas clearly used to be a good storyteller, but he got old, tired, and lazy.

REVENGE OF THE APPALLIN’

About a decade after Episode I, sci-fi race relations suffered a very similar setback with episode 2 of the Transformers franchise. We’ll just call Jazz’s breakdancing in the first Transformers a misguided homage. But he was replaced in the second film by the duo of Mudflap and Skids, robots that used rap slang and sounded “street”- one of them even had a gold tooth (I’m not sure which one- the movie Transformers all look alike to me). Once again, we’re talking about lazy writers using offensive stereotypes in place of original characters, but this goes even further. These obvious black analogues are rude, gross, craven, and even, despite presumably having advanced alien CPUs for brains, illiterate. And even this was not universally acknowledged as racism.

Robo-jangles of Cybertron

The defense here was similar to that of The Phantom Menace. Fans who jumped to the film’s defense said, “They’re not black men, they’re robots! They’re not even black robots! How can it be racist?” But racism is more than meets the eye. It doesn’t have to be a black man to be a depiction of a black man. Amos ‘N’ Andy were two white guys in minstrel makeup. The caricature already exists in our culture and can be depicted via cartoon bird, CG robot, cave etching- it’s still making fun of black people.

Note: THIS is blackface. That Billy Crystal Oscars thing was simply using makeup to enhance an unfunny, outdated impersonation. Completely different thing.

FAN BLACKLASH

So are fans racist? Well, yes and no. Obviously there’s nothing inherently racist in sci-fi to promote extra intolerance, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some fans who bring their racism with them. You might think sci-fi’s myriad fables against discrimination would discourage ethnocentrists’ interest, but even in their religions people hear what they want to hear. Sci-fi’s biggest deterrent to racism is its innate intelligence; the often complex rules and sophisticated storylines of new universes tend to naturally repel those of lower intelligence, whom studies have shown are more likely to hold racist beliefs. So sci-fi fandom probably has a slightly lower proportion of racists than the rest of society, but they are there.

Unfortunately, in the Venn diagram of society, the circles of racial intolerance and genre enthusiasm do have some overlap. Two recent examples made me ashamed of my people. The first is the rejection of a black Spider-man. When Sony announced in 2010 that it would reboot the Spidey franchise with a new Peter Parker, a sharp-eyed fan suggested writer/actor Donald Glover for the role. Glover is a smart, funny young actor with a slim, muscular build; he would have been a strong choice for the iconic character. As an excited fan himself, Glover retweeted the idea, causing a flurry of Internet excitement. But not all of the buzz was positive. Hundreds of fans denounced the idea, saying they would never see a movie with a black Spider-man.

Fear of a Black Daily Planet. What? It's Bugle? Crap. That was such a good joke. OK, how about "Parker Brother"?

Some argue that this was not a racially motivated disgust. They argue that die hard fans’ ire is notoriously easy to provoke by adaptations straying from the source material, and that’s a fair point. Fans were also annoyed that John Constantine was played by a brunette American instead of a blond Brit. However, those that tweeted death threats and epithets at Glover were not pre-occupied with comic accuracy, but were clearly a different kind of purist altogether.

The more recent example is also in casting, but this one isn’t merely hypothetical. The Hunger Games movie adaptation broke box office records, but a vocal minority soured the occasion. These readers apparently missed the indication to beloved character Rue’s dark skin in the book and were shocked and disgusted by the decision to cast a young black actress. Naturally, these fans vehemently denied that their outcry was in any way racist. All they said was that they couldn’t see a little black girl as innocent or be upset when a little black girl’s life was in peril, because she’s black. Nothing racist about that.

Where's Kanga, am I right? But no, in all seriousness, this totally made me cry like a baby.

For the most part, I don’t think all that many sci-fi fans out there are racist. The Hunger Games and Spider-man franchises have much larger audiences than most genre works, and a bigger crowd always means a bigger, louder fringe. I don’t even think those who denied the racist elements of Star Wars Episode I and Transformers 2 are themselves racist. I just think they’re in denial. they’re choosing to believe that the things they love so much could not possibly be so flawed. They’re like abused housewives attacking the cops who are trying to protect them. The reality is just too hard to face.

But we have to face it if we are going to move forward. Sweeping this under the rug is not acceptable. The only way we will ever remove racism from sci-fi in specific and society in general is to stop denying that it exists. The first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem. And right now we do.

The first 5 minutes of next weekend’s Lockout has been released on Youtube. This looks like Escape From New York meets any Paul Anderson movie (Event Horizon, anybody?). I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing so… matinee? The movie stars Guy Pearce as a Snake Plissken clone charged with saving the trapped Maggie Grace (when is she not trapped?) from an orbiting super prison. So if you’re still on the fence, here are the first 5 minutes from the movie, showing Guy Pearce getting his ass beat. Are we sure that Kurt Russell is too old for these types of roles?

I’m full of roiling hate, oceans of roiling hate containing gigantic sharks with teeth bigger than my rather immense forehead—which is appropriate, given the movie that Matt Kelly suggested I watch this week.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is a frightening example of what can happen when your sound guy runs amok with his dubbing.  I fear for my safety, I fear for the safety of my never-to-be-existent children, that one day they may find themselves unable to speak, only able to laugh like assholes whenever someone of a different race speaks to them.

"Do you like movies about gladiators?"

Directed by David Worth (Lady Dragon, Lady Dragon II), written by the duo who brought you the previous two Shark Attack movies (Scott Devine and William Hooke), this steaming pile of krill was released straight to video in 2002, allowing it to bypass the average person’s radar (lucky, lucky average person).

What was the average person missing?  Actors John Barrowman (Torchwood’s Captain Jack Harkness), Jenny McShane (um…), and Ryan Cutrona (24’s Admiral John Smith and Mad Men’s Gene Hoftstadt) doing battle with a giant shark.  Sounds pretty amazing, right?  We get somebody to zap in a torpedo-rigged TARDIS right into the belly of the beast, BOOM, no problem.

Well, that’s not what happens.  So much for your connections, Barrowman.

The end of every James Bond movie I've ever seen.

This feast of a film opens with a brief, barely related, and completely unnecessary prologue where a diver for Apex Communications falls prey to a drive-by sharking.  What this bit of background establishes for us is two things: 1) there’s a shark 2) while the movie may have been released in 2002, it was clearly shot in the 1970s.

Moving past that near-useless opening, we are introduced to Colima, Mexico’s Playa Del Rey Resort, manned and visited by robotic beings programmed with an unendingly creepy laugh track.  These robots, should they be of a feminine appearance, do not have the capacity of language and only communicate with their brethren with various combinations of moans, cooing, and sounds of surprise.  As for the males, the standard issue models are able to form simple sentences regarding their female counterparts, each sentence punctuated by mechanical laughter.

Unfortunately for these robots, a robot-eating shark has decided to spent some time at the resort’s beaches and soak up some rays and munch on some communications cable—you know, typical shark activities.

Unfortunately for this shark, Captain Jack Harkness is on the case.

Wait, what?  Not Harkness???  What, just some douche named Ben and a paleontologist who could only pass for Laura Dern on account on blondness?  Fuck this movie.

Shark-cam!!

Not-Harkness (Barrowman) and Not-Dern (McShane) team up with some aging ex-Navy guy (Cutrona) and flounce around Colima ogling the scads of bare breasts while uncovering shark-hiding conspiracies set in place by heads of greedy corporations.

What’s the conspiracy?, I will pretend you cared enough to ask.  Apex Communications is laying down miles and miles of communications cable underwater with the hope of wrangling billions of dollars from an international market, but there’s a problem… the cables emit such electricity that they’re waking up dinosaur sharks.

Okay, not “dinosaur sharks” like in ScyFy’s Dinoshark, but really big, supposedly extinct sharks called megalodons.  And these megalodons are attacking the shit out of anyone who happens to be in the area when they stroll down the cable route.  Yes, attacking the shit out of them.  It’s part of the circle of life, just accept it.

Apex has learned about this side effect of their cables and, instead of doing something like taking care of the problem, they’ve decided to just keep on with it and either someone else will kill the sharks or they’ll eventually run out of customers.  Either or.

Exhibit A: Man who was, indeed, attacked the shit out of.

With all of this asinine stupidity in place, there are four very redeeming parts of this movie.

1. A baby Megalodon decides to grab the rope of a helpless paraglider and slowly drags her kicking and screaming into the ocean where it can chomp her to little bits.

2. Caught in the midst of a ship cabin panty raid, Not-Dern pumps a round of lead directly into the thieving baby Megalodon’s mouth.  Immediately before this moment, Not-Harkness is seen whacking the shark’s nose with a baseball bat, screaming “Die, die, die!!”

3. After wrapping up their shark-assassination plan, the charming and suave Not-Harkness says, “I’m really wired.  What do you say that I take you home and eat your pussy?”

4. Mama Megalodon wakes up and starts eating boats.  Please see the pictures below, as words cannot possibly wrap around the concept of how awesome this is.

I'm a shark, I'm a shaaaaark!

Suck my diiiick, I'm a shaaaark!

In sum, this movie isn’t great.  The first three-quarters of an hour is pretty tedious and entirely worth skipping, but once those forty-five minutes pass, even Disney can’t generate this kind of movie magic.  So if you’re feeling like sharking it up tonight and getting your Megalodon on, sink your hundreds of pointy teeth into this baby on Netflix on Demand.

Unless you’ve been in a state of hibernation floating around in space for the past few months, you’ve probably heard of Prometheus, the upcoming prequel to Ridley Scott’s 1979 sci-fi classic, Alien.  While the original alien and the sequel directed by James Cameron were both hard-R’s, in a recent interview with Empire magazine, Ridley Scott seemed to be leaning toward a PG-13 rating.  Scott also spoke on how Prometheus functions as a standalone film in addition to being a prequel, and what sort of surprises fans of the original are in store for.

Since Prometheus has yet to be shown to the MPAA, Scott seemed to hint that the film will be more successful as a PG-13, and nothing that fans love about the tone of the series will be lost.

“Right now I don’t know where we are. The question is, do you go for the PG-13, or do you go for what it should be, which is R? Financially it makes quite a difference, or the risk makes quite a difference, and yet you also have to apply the question — if you soften it, will you financially suffer? As opposed to just going for the throat and gambling. Essentially, it’s kinda R. The little bastards will still get in anyway, so what’s the difference? It’s not just about blood, it’s about ideas that are very stressful. I’m not an idiot, but I’ll do everything I can to get the most aggressive film I can.”

Scott also touched on the mystery at the center of the film—who is the Space Jockey? Fans of the original all clearly recall the giant alien pilot carcass, but evidence in the latest trailer suggests that really all we saw of the creature was its outer space suit. “I always wondered when they did [Aliens] 2, 3 and 4 why they hadn’t touched upon that, instead of evolving into some other fantastic story. They missed the biggest question of them all: who’s the big guy? And where were they going? And with what? Why that cargo? There’s all kinds of questions.”

Prometheus is looking to be one of the most promising movies of the summer, having already delivered two sleek, stylish trailers and a slew of virals for “The Weyland Corporation.”  Regardless of whether or not the movie is a PG-13, I think it will end up appropriately chilling and perfectly match the tone of the original Alien thanks to Scott’s direction.  The film opens June 1st on regular theaters and IMAX and stars Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba, Guy Pearce, Charlize Theron and Logan Marshall-Green.  Check out the trailer below: