Author: Jonathan

I laid down Saturday night after a day spent Geekscaping and picked up a copy of the new Marvel adaptation of Stephen King’s The Stand. Are any of you reading Marvel’s Stephen King books? The Gunslinger books, based on his Dark Tower series, are really good reads, especially when collected and read together. The third miniseries of the Gunslinger comics just started, and like the first two, I’m collecting all of the single issues before I crack them open. I find the density of the writing and the pseudo-English that the characters use make the book hard to read from month to month without losing track. And even though Jae Lee’s artwork is amazing, it is tough to remember what happened the month before. Taken in full collections, that series is awesome.

But I lied down to read The Stand. Stephen King’s books were the fuel of my middle school imagination. Remember when you’re younger and you have to give your father a birthday or holiday present but you’re not quite a full person yet and the relationship that you have with your father is less based on two people understanding each other and more based on one person leading and another one loosely imitating out of blind adoration? I don’t know what my dad may have said to me once, maybe it was him taking my brothers and I to a screening of the movie Graveyard Shift or letting us see Creep Show or Pet Sematary at young ages, but I had it in my mind that he LOVED Stephen King. So I got him a Stephen King book every year for a very long time. Did he read them? I don’t know. But I did.

So because I love comics and I loved the Marvel Gunslinger stuff, I picked up last week’s release of The Stand, written by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, illustrated by Mike Perkins, with colors by Laura Martin. First off, I’ve been a fan of Mike Perkins since the awesome and short lived CrossGen book Ruse (also colored by Laura Martin). His figure work is awesome as is his use of references. The dude can draw a MEAN street corner (but no one stops to notice because his cinematic action is so good).  If you’ve been following Geekscape, then you definitely know his work from Ed Brubaker’s Captain America run.

Let’s get down to brass tacks. The comic gave me freaky nightmares. If you somehow didn’t pick up this book or add it to your pull list last week, go back to the store today and get it. By new release Wednesday, you’ll be out of luck. This is such a faithful adaptation of Stephen King’s writing and tone that it will put you right back where you were when The Stand first scared the hell out of you. And if this is your first visit to the story about a government disease that wipes out the majority of the human race on its way to a biblical showdown between good and evil, reading the comic adaptation will not cheapen the experience.

Aguirre-Sacasa’s tone and pacing is spot on with what you would expect from a Stephen King story and Perkin’s and Martin’s art give the story a “horror next door” feeling that is missing (as it should be) from Jae Lee and Peter David Gunslinger book. This is a VERY familiar Stephen King that will engross you in the full experience, much like the novels that you remember. If you’re looking for something to shake up the spandex-clad visit to the comic book shop, you may have overlooked your most potent chance at freedom.  Marvel’s adaptation of Stephen King’s The Stand put me in just the right place to have nightmares for a long, fitful night without sleep but with plenty of brief horrors.  Definitely read this book just before you turn out the light for the full desired effect.

You really should go buy this CD today.

First, let me state my horrible, horrible, blatant bias right now: I’ve been friends with the original guys in Punchline for about 5 years (on top of the fact that Jon and Steve are responsible for our Geekscape theme song). In mid-2003, I had recently moved to California from New York and had heard that the band had an EP coming out and had recently signed to Fueled By Ramen, along with another Midwest band called Fall Out Boy. I looked the band up on Friendster and sent a message saying roughly “I’m a film student, want a music video, cheap, etc. etc.”. I got a nice reply back from a Steve saying, “thanks, we’ll be in touch.” I sent back my number and waited for the band to tour so we could shoot our great $50 video.

A few months later I got a call from Steve out of the blue as I was driving to my lunch while working a job at the Glendale Hospital. We got along great but a video didn’t look like it was going to be on the horizon… or a west coast tour. Still, Steve sent me a press packet and a copy of the new EP. I recently found the press packet while moving to Culver City and I called Steve up and said “why did you mail me a copy of your tour schedule for the entire history of your band ever?” By that time, I had done two Punchline videos and the band had released two full-length albums on Fueled by Ramen. And the band had gone through two guitarists, finally landing on their current member, Jon “rhymes with Melon” Belan.

I’m not really happy with the videos I’ve done for Punchline. Maybe I stuttered at the start, knowing that these guys have gone from one of my favorite bands to some of my best friends. As it stands, the band wasn’t happy with their label, and turned down an offer to release a third full length on Fueled By Ramen in order to put out their new CD Just Say Yes on their own label Modern Short Stories. Well, I’ve seen the video that they got someone else to do for this album and it’s better than either of mine. And I’ve heard Just Say Yes… is it better than the previous two?

I don’t know. I’m pretty close to the band and their music and I still need to run Just Say Yes through the litmus test of an hour-long drive down the 405 with my dogs. When Action came out, a lot of people loved it. It was full of energy and had an honesty to it, and freshness, that made the album a darling of the pop-punk, “I hate you dad, stay out of my room” crowd. I felt at the time that I was just on the other end of the age of 25 from fully loving the album but the reception it got was huge and it stayed in my CD player’s rotation for over a year.  37 Everywhere came out in 2006 and it was the perfect CD for me. In early 2005, Paul Menotiades had left the band right before a west coast tour and when we shot the video for Getting There Is Getting By off of Action, Steve was frustrated about it but hopeful about the recent addition of Greg Wood.

37 Everywhere turned out to be my soundtrack to 2006 and 2007. The album was poppier, displayed more of a clean range than Action did and the lyrics were more literal and direct. The album to me will always be a running document on the feelings of abandonment, disappointment, hurt and (ultimately) determined hope that the loss of a close friend will leave you with. The band had obviously been let down but they weren’t going to let on. At least not while we were listening. I found a lot of comfort and inspiration in that album and it got me through my 2006 (what I have come to call “The Wasted Year”) and 2007 (“The Reset Year”). I don’t know if listeners liked the album as much in the end, but it sold as well as Action did and is easily one of my favorite CDs of all time. Just Say Yet had a lot to live up to.

Litmus test aside, the first half of the CD is more familiar than the second but also does the job of delivering you safetly to brand new, exciting ground. Steve laughed on the phone last week when I told him that they had followed the same structural pattern with the song selection as they had on their last two albums: come out of the gates with a solid first track, drop the single with the second track, keep the rhythm rolling into the track six ballad and then switch back and forth through the last track and leave them hanging. Steve swears that there’s a theme going on with the sixth track of each album, and I lied to him on the phone about getting it (I don’t beyond loving each song), but he says it’s there.

The majority of Just Say Yes was produced by Jamie Woolford with a couple of tracks done with Action’s Sean O’Keefe.  There is a lot more of Action in this album than 37 Everywhere but Just Say Yes isn’t a step backwards in any way. It’s definitely the band making the kind of album that they want to make on their own.

Ghostie starts off Just Say Yes in the same way that Open Up and Flashlight did the previous two albums with a driving rhythm and confrontational lyrics. It’s the wake up song that leads right into the single-sounding second track and Punchline have literalized things this time by shamelessly naming it The Hit. When I put an acoustic version of The Hit at the end of a past Geekscape episode, a few of you commented that it sounded like a song that you’d heard on the radio. That’s exactly where a song like this belongs.

Steve swears that Punish or Privilege was written before they entered the studio with Jamie Woolford, but when I first heard the song a few months ago it had a lot of Woolford’s bands The Stereo and Let Go in it on my first listen. Jamie’s possible influence aside, the song is clean and has a lot of straightforward writing but about halfway through it starts to get back to the familiar Punchline sound. Track four is Maybe I’m Wrong, which is probably the first song that will jump out at you. Chris Fafalios’ bass just chugs along for most of the song and the lyrics are the most heartfelt so far. This is where the band starts to show just how far they’ve come from the Action days and 37 Everywhere. The comparisons to Action have already started to creep up online and they’re half accurate. This song blows that entire album away in how earnest it is. You’re going to hum this song to yourself while kicking a can lonely down the street. And you should.

I want to make Somewhere in the Dark a hit in the worst possible way. A while ago, the band registered the domain name www.BenFolds.me and joked that they would hold it ransom until Mr. Folds took them out on tour. People will definitely put a lot of comparisons between this song and Ben Folds’ music but when I first heard the song driving around Hollywood shooting the band’s Christmas Rap video, it sounded a lot more like a Death Cab for Cutie demo and I gave Steve a look like “I like this… but are you nuts?” The song is a bit different now and I’m working hard to make sure it becomes the next jingle that causes you to turn off your TV set because you can’t risk it getting stuck in your head further. It’s okay. Let it live there. It deserves to be stuck in your head. You’ll be happier for it.

So now we have the mysterious sixth track: Just Say Yes, and with it, you say goodbye to all of the Action comparisons completely. This song starts out as a PJ Caruso drum track that goes in a couple different places, none of them you’ve heard on an earlier CD, while showcasing each of the other band members. Steve has taken on a lot of the vocal responsibilities head on with this album, and this track shows it more than others. We don’t have the harmonies from Action or the vocal hand offs from 37 Everywhere. This song will make you realize that Just Say Yes is its own monster and this iteration of Punchline are a new, fresh band, and all comparisons are best left at the door. To push the point further, How Does This Happen pops up and takes the differences even further with its Green Day style marching rhythm.

Get Off My Train! is a synthesized and crunchy rock song that offers a few more sing along moments. It contrasts a lot of what’s been on Just Say Yes so far and you get some good Jon Belan high pitched vocals in the background. You even get some harmonizing and Chris Fafalios signature gang vocals.  Developing You Camera… what a sweet little song. It gives me the same feelings you get from watch old Super 8 millimeter family films or sitting through a long sunset. There’s some guitar noodle-ing going on but none of it detracts from the sweetness of the song. It’s not one of the tracks that will come out and hit you on the first listen but it’s one that will become a heavy favorite as time goes on.

My White Collared Shirt is the kind of song I wouldn’t expect on a Punchline album. It’s a chorus song that reminds me of the senior year of college, when you know you’ve got a while to say goodbye. There’s some regret and hope wrapped together in the song and the sound is a dance between them that culminates in the last chorus “so misguided that where I’ll go nobody knows”.  I would think that that lyric describes the band as much as it does the album so far.  Where it goes is The Other Piano Man, a song that brings in a jingling piano bar feel but then lets it down here and there for some more pensive, softer moments. Then the song cuts loose into a mad sing along of a party. You can see women swinging from chandeliers and the band leading a marching parade through a burning town, Chris acting as the carnival barker. The band has completely cut loose from what you previously expected them to give you and now they are jumping on the casket of their old sound until it’s closed for good. The Other Piano Man is that festive funeral procession out of town.

So with one track left, where does that leave things? Where does the band go from here? Castaway flows out of The Other Piano Man seamlessly and right into a softly orchestrated apology and goodbye. It feels as much like a soft bedtime story as it does the sound of the storyteller quietly crawling out the window and disappearing into the night. If there is a song to catch stars to, Castaway is the soundtrack. “I don’t want to be the last one to know/even though I know what’s coming and it’s typical”. If 37 Everywhere was the rejection of something comfortable and the excitement of what comes before, Castaway is the acceptance of where you’re headed and the setting of the sails at the end of the reinvention and years of preparation.

And ultimately, that’s what we’re left with: a band that has restructured and retooled itself and has now gone further down the road than many would have predicted when they set off on their own. By the end of Just Say Yes, the signs that lead back to Action and 37 Everywhere can’t even be seen from where Punchline is standing. Faithful listeners might find it unsettling at first, and I’ll admit that it took some getting used to for me. But in the end, I prefer Just Say Yes. The excitement of what’s at work here and the energy with which Punchline are pushing forward doesn’t leave any room for doubt about the high quality of this album. Let go of your uncertainty and Just Say Yes.

Let me don my Captain Obvious Hat for a minute and tell you that Jet Li’s Fist of Legend is one of the greatest martial arts movies every made.  Beyond proving that remakes CAN work (in this case, Fist of Legend is a remake of Bruce Lee’s film Fist of Fury), Fist of Legend also proves that remakes can also improve.

Gordon Chan’s World War 2 period film about a Chinese kung fu student living in Japan who returns to Shanghai to investigate his master’s death and save his school has so much more to offer than the average kung fu fighter. For one thing, it helped to introduce Western audiences to both Jet Li and choreographer Yuen Wo-ping (who went on to choreograph Hollywood films like The Matrix films, Kill Bill & 2, etc.). Where Li’s earlier Once Upon a Time in China films helped share the responsibility for his skyrocketing popularity, the fights in that trilogy were based heavily on the creativity of the fighter’s use of the environment and makeshift weapons. In Fist of Legend, you’ll get minimal wire and variable speed work and an added emphasis on realism. The fights in Fist of Legend are brutal, heavy and more physically impressive. The final showdown lasts over ten minutes, busts through several environments and is maybe the best fight scene ever captured on film.

But that isn’t enough to warrant a great film. Like the original Fist of Fury, Fist of Legend’s backdrop of the Japanese occupation of China gives the story of a Chinese man returning home to his occupied home a lot of the drama that fuels the action. In love with a Japanese woman, there are elements of Romeo and Juliet to Jet Li’s struggle. There are also running themes of loyalty, equality and revenge that make the drama in between the action of Fist of Legend as memorable as the fights themselves. If there was one movie that would work best to convert your girlfriend over to the next level of kung fu cinema, I would suggest Fist of Legend over more recent Hong Kong films like Hero or The House of Flying Daggers.

The copy of Fist of Legend that I viewed for this review was provided by the nice folks over at Dragon Dynasty, who are doing a good job of re-releasing some of the best Hong Kong action films to DVD in the States. In the English subtitled version I saw, there was only one or two misspellings and the words were always paced well and not in opposition to the action on screen. They recently released an Ultimate Edition version of John Woo’s Hard Boiled that I would LOVE to get a hold of, especially seeing as the out of print Criterion Collection version of the film is usually going for around $60 on eBay. If you’re reading this, Dragon Dynasty, you know my address. I love every movie on your release schedule!

On top of the first disc, which includes the film, a commentary track from Hong Kong cinema expert Bey Logan, both Mandarin and Cantonese audio tracks and subtitles in English and Spanish, the Ultimate Edition also comes packed with a second disc of extras. The second disc has the regular items: deleted scenes, a trailer gallery and an interview with the film’s director (which is actually a pretty good piece on Gordon Chan’s approach to remaking such a beloved Bruce Lee classic).

In addition to this, you also get an interview with kung fu impresario Chin Siu-ho, an interview with Japanese action legend Kurata Yasuaki and a look at a screen-fighting seminar at the Kurata Action School. Kurata Yasuaki plays Uncle Fuimo Funakoshi in the film and his showdown with Jet Li’s Chen Zhen in front of his niece (and Zhen’s lover) is one of the best scenes in the film, especially once the two put on blindfolds and keep going at it. It’s cool to hear an expert in the Japanese world of action films talk about the process of being in such an incredible action film and then teach his students the methods in which they should undergo kung fu action staples like drawing your sword and tossing your opponent.

Finally, the Extras DVD features A Look at Fist of Legend with director Brett Ratner and critic Elvis Mitchell. I know that many of you have a serious hate-on for everything Ratner, but be assured. The short documentary is simply an opinion piece and in it, Ratner comes of no worse than you or I would. He’s simply a fan of the film and not a Know It All trying to one up the conversation. Mitchell is about on the same level with his love of the movie and if you can make it through your Ratner hatred, you might see the movie from a new level of appreciation.

The Fist of Legend Ultimate Edition DVD is currently in stores and online from Dragon Dynasty and I highly recommend it for those of you Geekscapists still trying to flesh out your kung fu film libraries. If you’ve missed this film (SOMEHOW!!!) up to this point, there’s no longer any excuse. My beaten and worn VHS copy of the film is already in the trash.

I love doing Geekscape. I love the community. I love the show. I love the writing. And of course I love the cool stuff in the mail. Every time my mail lady drops by, who knows what magical mystery might be waiting for me. Right now, I check it daily for my Castle Crashers action figures to arrive. Or maybe Giraffey has send a postcard from wherever he ran off to this time (if you’re reading this, Giraffey… pleasy come back home).

Friday I got a small package from our friend Alex B (that’s what I call him here at Geekscape HQ) who sent us the heads up on all of the Mortal Kombat VS DC stuff that was going down at Comic Con. That game turned out to be a surprise favorite of the Geekscape team and as I tore open the package I wondered (in rhyme), ‘what on Earth could Alex B/Send all the way here to me’.

Then Chuck Norris popped out of the envelope and I almost jumped into a fucking tree. Turns out that the company Gameloft, who make cell phone games, like the one for Assassins Creed, has made a Chuck Norris cell phone game called Chuck Norris: Bring On The Pain. Is this a warning to the player or to the villains found within? I don’t know… and maybe never will. My cell phone is as old as the one Danny Glover used in the first Lethal Weapon.

But this game looks cool. It’s like an old arcade action game like Final Fight or Double Dragon. From the images and the video on the CD that Alex B sent me, you play as Chuck Norris and fight world bad guys like Kim Jung Il either on foot, on a motorcycle or in a helicopter. In all honesty, the Chuck Norris hipster jokes that Andy Sanberg started on Saturday Night Live were old to me a year ago and when I saw that it was now a cell phone game, I braced myself for the worst (by finding the nearest doorway and bracing myself against it).

Here’s the part that I thought was cool about this specific cell phone game though: you can take the pictures of your friends from your phone and make them bad guys in the game. Anybody? Anybody? Considering that Brian Gilmore calls me at least a few times a day, this feature actually makes me want to get this little dealio just so I can have Chuck kick him in the nuts. Repeatedly.

So that’s what I’ve got to share with you all from the most recent Geekscape mailbag. There are only a few cell phone games that have been released that have made me want to join the new century with my current phone technology: God of War, South Park’s Imagination Land and now Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain. If the game was about my beloved Jean Claude Van fuckin’ Damme and not old “The Bible Should Be Taught In Public Schools” Chuck Norris, I’d already be racking Gilmore in the nads. But as it stands, color me interested. Now someone out there download this thing and tell me if it’s any good!

“That was a delight.”
–    Brian Gilmore (as the credits begin to roll)

To Little Lord Gilmonroy’s credit (although I love nothing more than proving him wrong), in the case of The Coen Brother’s film “Burn After Reading”, he is absolutely right. Burn After Reading IS a “delight”, but for a movie with so many colorful pieces that description doesn’t paint enough of a full picture.

Coming off of last year’s indie, Oscar-winning bulldozer, the Coen Brothers have gone in a completely different direction. Where No Country For Old Men was a dark, straightforward chase after single object, Burn After Reading is a light and fun chase by several characters after a McGuffin that NO ONE knows the true nature of… and it goes to some dark and surprising places.

My biggest love for the Coen Brothers (and I imagine yours as well) stems from their ability to take a viewer by the hand and lead them through a clearly defined series of increasingly complicated actions, regardless of how farfetched the journey might be. The stories that they choose to tell, in whatever genre, start out in the comfortable territory of the simple and familiar but can end up anywhere.

Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. In the opening scenes of their take on the espionage genre, Joel and Ethan Coen introduce audiences to Osborne Cox, a veteran CIA analyst played by John Malkovich, who we immediately (and hilariously) see get demoted but quits instead. We follow Osborne home where we meet his demanding wife Katie (played by Tilda Swinton), who blows off his attempt at explaining his loss of a job in preparation for their dinner party. There we meet Harry (George Clooney), who is a married small time federal officer (“in 20 years, I’ve never discharged my gun in the line of duty”) having an affair with Katie.

Are you writing this down? You really should start. Things become quickly complicated when Katie decides to leave Osborne for Harry upon learning of the loss of his job. Osborne begins writing his memoirs (or “memwhaas”) to jumpstart a second career as a writer. When Katie is asked by her lawyer to gather Osborne’s financials for the divorce documents, the memwhaas accidentally end up in the hands of two gym employees: the dimwitted Chad (Brad Pitt) and the lonely, dissatisfied Linda (Frances McDormand), who is trying online dating, which leads her right to… Harry.

Okay. I’ve spelled enough out for you without even scratching the surface of what you have in store for you as a viewer (so if you yelled “Spoiler Warning” at any point, fear not). Now the various plates have been set spinning and we are off to the races at breakneck speed. And I do mean breakneck. Burn After Reading covers a lot of ground and throws viewers a lot of character and story details in quick, unrepeated and hilarious bursts. Unlike the exhausting speed of their film The Ladykillers (that caused me to turn it off after 15 minutes), the information and performances that we get in Burn After Reading aren’t unsympathetic cartoon sketches but clearly defined and relatable, consistent beings who inhabit and engage themselves with everything around them.

The movie is undeniably hilarious but also can be gut wrenching in subsequent strokes. You will follow beats in which you laugh out loud with ones in which you gasp in shock. The Coen Brothers have you so busy watching the plates spinning around each other that they go about leading you down whatever complicated road they choose. And with Burn After Reading, the plates never hit the ground. Although the briskness and levity of the story in Burn After Reading might be seen as a compromise coming off of a darker, more engrossing film like No Country For Old Men, I think a better frame of reference might come from Mr. Gilmore’s earlier description. If No Country For Old Men was a heavy three-course meal, Burn After Reading is a sweet, albeit quickly swallowed, delight.

Sidenote: Burn After Reading was produced by Focus Features and Working Title. No Country was produced by Paramount Vantage. The Coen Brothers next movie, A Serious Man, started shooting yesterday for Focus Features and Working Title.

From the press release:

“Production begins today on location in Minnesota on A Serious Man, for Focus Features and Working Title Films. Joel and Ethan Coen, Academy Award winners for No Country for Old Men and Fargo, are writing, producing, and directing the film. Working Title co-chairs Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner are executive-producing the film with Robert Graf, who has worked on the Coens’ last six features in various producing capacities.
 
The director of photography on A Serious Man is seven-time Academy Award nominee Roger Deakins, who is marking his tenth feature collaboration with the Coens. Mary Zophres is the film’s costume designer, marking her ninth feature collaboration with the Coens. Jess Gonchor is the production designer, marking his third feature collaboration with the Coens.
 
A Serious Man is the story of an ordinary man’s search for clarity in a universe where Jefferson Airplane is on the radio and F-Troop is on TV. It is 1967, and Larry Gopnik, a physics professor at a quiet midwestern university, has just been informed by his wife Judith that she is leaving him. She has fallen in love with one of his more pompous colleagues, Sy Ableman, who seems to her a more substantial person than the feckless Larry. Larry’s unemployable brother Arthur is sleeping on the couch, his son Danny is a discipline problem and a shirker at Hebrew school, and his daughter Sarah is filching money from his wallet in order to save up for a nose job. While his wife and Sy Ableman blithely make new domestic arrangements, and his brother becomes more and more of a burden, an anonymous hostile letter-writer is trying to sabotage Larry’s chances for tenure at the university. Also, a graduate student seems to be trying to bribe him for a passing grade while at the same time threatening to sue him for defamation. Plus, the beautiful woman next door torments him by sunbathing nude. Struggling for equilibrium, Larry seeks advice from three different rabbis. Can anyone help him cope with his afflictions and become a righteous person – a mensch – a serious man?

Tony Award nominee Michael Stuhlbarg (whose films include The Grey Zone) stars as Larry; Fred Melamed (Suspect) plays Sy; Richard Kind (The Visitor) portrays Arthur; and Minnesota actors Aaron Wolf, Sari Wagner, and Jessica McManus are cast as Danny, Judith, and Sarah, respectively.”

The Coens are back in Minnesota! Anyone else excited?!?

Just how does a mothafuckin’ Transformer spend their down time between shooting days?

How about sizing up the Hollywood competition.

A good friend of mine sent me this picture that they took this evening while sitting at a light in Burbank:

If you spent your first 3 miserable years in Hollywood as an entertainment industry runner, as I did, your road-trained eye could clearly makeout the intersection that Bumblebee is sitting at while waiting for the light to turn green. He’s pointed south on Buena Vista facing the entrance to the 134 freeway (and that bad boy is headed west once he gets on it).

I get a few things from this photo:

1) Bumblebee was deep in enemy territory ramsacking the Disney studios on Buena Vista (the charred remains could no doubt be seen in his left side view mirror).

2) Bumblebee’s next target is Universal Studios, just west off the 134. This little bastard is pissed after having to sit at a red and nothing’s gonna stop him.

3) 69 is just how Bumbelee rolls. If Arcee shows her purplish pink, motorcycle face anywhere NEAR Transformers 2, she is getting some serious Bumblebee action right up in her grill… and she better be ready to give it as well… ‘cuz that’s how you fucking roll in a Michael Bay movie… and there WILL be explosions! Bumblebee’s the man and he’s letting everyone know it like a 13 year old with a marker and a skateboard! 69 baby! Obviously, whoever got the plates for Mr. Bee also has the combined intelligence of both Bill AND Ted…

4) My buddy at Disney works way too damn late. The sun is almost completely set and he’s leaving work and heading home. The last time I hung out with him, I swear he had shackle sores on his wrists. And he wouldn’t take his shirt off and get in the pool because he had mouse-induced whip marks. It’s a tough business… this Hollywood thing.

So there you have it. Thanks to my brilliant deductive reasoning, you now know what a true Hollywood superstar does on his day off. And I hope to god that there was some Vince DiCola or Stan Bush music coming out of that little bastard because that Linkin Park song that you’ve heard a million times just doesn’t cut it on the mean streets of the 91521. And you know it doesn’t cut it in any Transformers movie either.

Ralph Apel, Erwin “Dirty Vato” Castillos and the rest of you Transformers loving Geekscapist mothafuckas. This post was for you. May your little, substandard entertainment loving hearts stay pure so that you never realize just how lame a movie that really was. I will always hate you for that.

A normal everyday man stumbles upon an object that grants him immense super powers.  Green Lantern?  Juggernaut?  Super Chicken?  No my friends, I am referring to the 80’s classic, “Greatest American Hero.”  In case you’re too young to remember GAH, it’s basically your standard Boy-finds-super-suit, FBI-agent-finds-boy, FBI-agent-and-boy-team-up-to-fight-for-justice premise.  Plus there’s Connie Sellecca.    
    
But that’s as much recapping as I intend on writing.  If you’ve never seen Greatest American Hero, Netflix it, Tivo it, borrow the complete series from one of your older friends.  It’s cornball goodness as only 80’s television could deliver.
    
This story, however, is about a night of celebration and memories.  A night, hosted by the gargantuan John Tesh (Connie Sellecca’s real-life husband), and featuring the creative mind that birthed TV shows like Hunter, The Rockford Files, and the ever-inspiring A-Team: Stephen J. Cannell. Mr. Cannell was a force back in the 80’s and you can tell.  Looking at the man today, you might guess that he was the inspiration for Don Johnson’s “Sonny Crocket” on Miami Vice.  Tanned, pinky ringed, and unaware of the existence of the top three buttons on his shirt, Mr. Cannell IS the 80’s.  
   

This past Sunday night, I had the honor of attending The Greatest American Hero 25th Anniversary Reunion (hosted by the afore mentioned John Tesh). During the course of the night’s festivities I was introduced to a number of Hollywood individuals: producers, writers, an editor and some actors.  The real treat for a behind-the-scenes junky such as myself, however, was the two gentlemen that were introduced towards the end of the night.  As they stepped out onto the stage, I instantly guessed their claim to GAH fame.  One gentleman was a stocky, bald, rough and tough kinda guy that looked like he could have been Cannell’s lead henchman.  And the other guy was a skinny dazed gentleman with long brown wavy hair that I actually mistook for Journey frontman Steve Perry when I first saw him.  I looked at these two guys and thought, “Okay we have stunt man and music writer.”  I know stunt men.  I’ve worked and been friends with many in my life, and the big bruiser was definitely reminiscent of any number of my old friends.  And the Steve Perry guy was… well, Steve Perry guy.  And I was absolutely right, but couldn’t have been more wrong.

Big bald henchman was actually Mike Post, the genius mind that not only wrote the music for the theme song and in-show music, but also wrote the theme songs for Hill Street Blues, A-team, Magnum P.I., Quantum Leap, Doogie Howser, and Law and Order.  Mr. Post was a balls-out funny guy that knows his shit.  

Steve Perry was actually Dennis Mandalone, the lead stuntman that doubled for the title character.  Mr. Mandalone was a quiet guy, but everyone seemed to love him, and he was very humble in return.  The best part about Mr. Mandalone, though, was when I got back home and googled his name only to find this amazing treasure…

http://theworstmusicvideos.com/bad-music-video9.html

Dear god, it’s a thing of ridiculous beauty!  I guess I was more on the mark than I thought!

The actors were, well… actors.  They all have nothing but fond memories of shooting episodes of The Greatest American Hero.  They called themselves a family.  They traded stories about laughing on set and hiding pregnancies.  They were perfectly joyful people recollecting happier times.  I don’t mean to diminish the actors’ perspective, but you must forgive me. I’ve seen about a hundred of these kinds of shows before.  And whether it’s Cid Caesar and the brilliant fossils of “Your Show of Shows,” the uncomfortable and jet-lagged writers and host of “Late Night with Conan O’Brian,” or the nerd circle jerk that was the writers and voices of “Futurama,” most every group hits the same standard points.  Well this group hit their points and recounted their unique stories, and it was all very pleasant.

The following points of interest were brought up during the course of the show:

•    The GAH insignia was inspired by a pair of Scissors still sitting on Mr. Cannell’s desk.
•    Robert Culp used Merlin as his inspiration for the character of Bill Maxwell.
•    Connie Sellecca stole one of the suits and gave it to her children to wear for Halloween.
•    This was the first time in 25 years that this whole group got together for something like this.
•    According to Connie, John Tesh is a very busy man (this was the most shocking statement of the night for me).
•    Mr. Cannell has written a script for a GAH feature film that William Katt (the title character) has read and loves.

And that was the night.  Mr. Tesh ended the evening with a round of applause for the cast, and the room slowly dispersed into the cool Hollywood night.

Walking back to my car, I started thinking about the feature film idea, and whether this idea would work in today’s superhero chic society.  I flashed back on Warner Bros. mastermind Jeff Robinov and his “Dark superhero movies = awesome superhero movies” theory.  I also started to think of a good comparison to today’s TV market.  You couldn’t compare GAH to Heroes as that show is all about multiple people with multiple powers.  The better comparison would be to a show close to my hate, Smallville.  Both GAH and Smallville focus on one guy that’s “finding” his powers and his place in society.  Both stories feature older, and wiser characters that not only know the lead character’s secret, but also help guide him to fulfill his destiny.  

The biggest difference between the two shows is ultimately style.  GAH was, in retrospect, a romantic comedy.  That show lived and breathed with its humorous take on what life would be like if you actually did stumble upon super powers.  The jokes, whether you find them too cornball or dated, were all done with realism and respect.  

Smallville, on the other hand, follows Mr. Robinov’s theory of “dark = good.”  Clark is a brooding heap of angst and grief that is doomed to fight one monster after another in an everlasting battle of Krypto-freaks.  There is no humor in Smallville.  There is no love or happiness.  Everything in Smallville is destined for destruction.  

It’s this comparison between GAH and Smallville that proves Mr. Robinov wrong.  Smallville is dark and brooding and is NOT (in my opinion) any better than GAH.  GAH is goofy and cornball and (in my opinion) a sweet story that could easily work in today’s superhero friendly world.  The “trick” that Mr. Robinov claims to have figured out is wrong.  You want to know the “trick” to making a successful comic book based property…? Don’t worry yourself about darkness, just focus on realism.  I believe any comic book character has the potential to become a great film or TV show if you commit yourself to staying as realistic as possible.  

“What do you mean realistic,” you’re asking me. “We’re talking about people that can fly and shoot lasers out of their eyeballs!”

Okay. That’s true.  Comic book adaptations will always have unrealistic attributes to showcase, but the star of the show is never the power.  Iron Man would not have been anywhere CLOSE to as good a film as it was without the charm and realism brought by Robert Downy Jr.  It’s the character, stupid!  Treat the characters and situation that they are involved in with realism and honesty, and you will end up with a better product.  

And that was the draw to The Great American Hero, on this night 25 years after the show’s finale.  Mr. Cannell had to fight constantly with the suits at ABC to keep the characters and situations as realistic as possible, and the show was that much better for it.  In the end, the suits won, as they always end up doing, and the show suffered, floundered and ultimately failed.  But, luckily for us, we can ignore the faults washed away by time and focus on the highlights that we are left with.  And, believe it or not, I choose to see The Greatest American Hero for what it was: heart filled romantic parody of super hero bravado, unmatched a quarter century later on TV or film.

If you are a faithful and long-term Geekscapist, you know by now just how late I am to most parties involving TV viewing. It took forever for your collective cries to get me to watch Battlestar Gallactica. I have yet to watch Veronica Mars. I haven’t watched any episode of Undeclared, Freaks and Geeks or Spaced. The only shows that I really watch are Heroes, Lost and BSG. The rest are really lost to not having enough time. But because of your enthusiasm (not to mention my dad and step-mom becoming huge fans), I finally added the first season of Dexter to my Netflix queue.

Let’s get the Captain Obvious Award out of the way first: holy shit! Every piece of praise that is dropped on that OTHER show that people call “the best show on television” actually APPLIES to Dexter.  The engrossing season long story archs? They don’t live up to the hype with that OTHER show. They do in Dexter. The complex, captivating and hugely entertaining lead? It’s nonexistent in that OTHER show. It’s in your face with Dexter. The incredibly well sketched and evenly treated, compelling supporting cast? This may be the strongest thing going on in Dexter. The evidence is in the amazing quality of every episode.  Unlike every other show on television, there are no “filler episodes” here, in which every scene and every episode work towards a whole. Dexter is the best thing I have watched in years.

So of course, my mutant geek gene kicks in halfway through the first episode. I sit up straight on the couch and say out loud: “Why aren’t these guys doing a Daredevil movie?” It’s perfect. It’s TOO perfect. There’s no way it wouldn’t work to make the most kick ass Daredevil movie possible. Why hasn’t Hollywood thought about this? Have they?

It’s easy to spot from the beginning. Dexter follows a superhero story structure very similar to double D’s. You have the social and moral responsibility angle, the dark vigilantism, a strong and involved supporting cast, a crime mystery backdrop and an engaging, parrallel origin story with a strong father figure. The similarities are too obvious to miss.

On the surface, Michael C. Hall is a dead-ringer for Matt Murdock: the hair, the build, everything. But beyond that, the duality of the two characters and their constant proximity with the justice system is staring you right in the face. Dexter spends his days working for the Miami Dade PD. Matt Murdock spends his waking hours as a New York defense attorney. By night, they both take justice into their own hands as shadow lurking vigilantes.

One thing that the makers of the last Daredevil film didn’t seem to grasp is something pretty easy to see when you read it on the four-colored page: Daredevil is NOT Spider-Man Light. They got the shadows right, and the alleys and rooftops, but that’s where the rest of the movie started to fall apart. If anything, Daredevil is closer to DC’s Batman than anything (someone behind a studio desk just sat up straight at the mention of ANYTHING being like The Dark Knight’s Batman). Daredevil is the Marvel universe’s urban detective, and like The Caped Crusader, Daredevil is constantly battling with his responsibilities as the guardian of his domain. Without superpowers beyond mortal men, Bruce Wayne and Daredevil must rely on their intelligence and instincts. Batman has the advantage in gadgetry, Daredevil in enhanced senses. But like, Dexter, they are both detectives who unravel crimes using their wits.

The role of Matt Murdock’s father is very similar to that of Dexter’s. Both characters flashback to the father figures in their lives on many occasions and look to them for moral guidance or past lessons. Like Dexter, the death of his father was a character shaping moment in the young vigilante’s life. Matt Murdock vowed to bring his father’s killer to justice, leading him down the road of vigilantism. Dexter murdered the nurse attempting to shorten his dying father’s life, leading him down the path towards vigilantism.

In both cases, the hero REFUSES to go after an innocent person and strictly believe in their own code of justice. Dexter only kills the guilty. Daredevil only brings the guilty to justice. When I saw Daredevil allow that mobster, in the early scenes of Mark Stephen Johnson’s Daredevil, to be hit by the subway train, I buried my head in my hands. This cinematic representation of Daredevil was vindictive and flawed way beyond any form of retribution. It didn’t matter where the story went from there. 2003’s Daredevil was already unrecoverable. The most the character could hope for after that glaring inconsistency was “hey, look kid, we’re still wearing the same costume, right?” I knew that I would have to wait a little longer to see Daredevil on the big screen.

The supporting cast in Dexter plays out like the best Brian Michael Bendis, Greg Rucka or Ed Brubaker comic book script. In the comics, Foggy Nelson, Dakota North, Ben Urich and numerous other helpers and confidantes help Matt Murdock bring the guilty to justice. They all have unique voices, attributes and roles to play. Similarly, the characters from Jeff Lindsay’s Dexter novels come to the small screen breathing lives of their own under the careful writing of the Dexter team. Why can’t James Manos, Jr. write a kick ass Daredevil movie? The Dexter scripts are filled with mystery, action, drama and a packed supporting cast. Sgt. Doakes, Debra Morgan, “Angel” Batista and Lieutenant LaGuerta are all three dimensional, engaging characters that help move the narrative and mysteries forward while enhancing our perception of our main character. When Angel spends an entire episode telling Dexter that he’s trying to find the best gift for his wife, only to reveal that it’s a failed reconciliation gift in a gut-wrenching scene at Angel’s wife’s home, the viewer soon realizes that the supporting storylines in Dexter might be better than the main ones. These aren’t just the character moments seen in other shows. These are full fledged and engaging storylines.

Finally, you’ve got the story structures. How much do I even have to say on the subject besides taking the main characters from Dexter and moving them to Manhattan’s west side? The villains that Dexter goes after are street level criminals and organizations that prey on the weak and the innocent. In every sentence in this article, you can replace the word Daredevil with Dexter and get the same results. Structurally, every episode of Dexter is made up of an A storyline and criminal of the week, supported by the ongoing B storyline stringing viewers through the season. Beyond that, you get flashbacks to Dexter’s development as a young outsider and personal pieces from his supporting cast. What else do we want (and get) from our Daredevil comics every week if this isn’t it?

The 2003 feature film was an attempt at a superhero movie with detective elements that fell short of either. Dexter is a compelling detective crime drama with elements of super-heroism written in the structure of TV’s best mysteries and comic books’ best storylines that delivers on both promises and MORE. I know that a year ago, after seeing Gone Baby Gone, I argued for Ben Affleck to be given the writing and directing reigns of the Daredevil films at Sony. That’s still a pretty damn good choice. But after seeing Dexter, it would be even easier to supplant the talent involved in this series every week and put them on the one Marvel hero that we’ve seen on the big screen who has come the closest to being one and done. 

So now I ask, is Hollywood blind? What’s the hold up? The geeks are waiting.

Last week, geek comic book blogs and film news websites across the internets were roaring with the news that Warner Brothers has made “official” plans to reboot the Superman film franchise. Effectively scrapping the direction in which Brian Singer had put the Man of Steel in 2006’s Superman Returns and heading for darker, more brooding waters, the majority of these news stories were set in motion off of comments that Warner Bros. Pictures Group President Jeff Robinov had told the Wall Street Journal regarding the state of its DC comic book franchises (most of which have yet to even have creative teams assigned). The use of the word “dark” caused such a fuss that fanboys worldwide wasted know time in collectively jumping down Mr. Robinov’s throat.

But before Geekscape ever starts jumping down throats, we make sure to look both ways, check for cold sores and tell the intended target to say “aaah”. Well, we’re looking at Mr. Robinov’s throat, and Warner Bros. as well, and it is my opinion that you poor geek bastards have grown too bored with going to see The Dark Knight fifteen times to know where the hell you’re jumping before you leap. I will NOT follow you down that path! Guess what! This is the reason that they make fun of us!

Let me share something from my experience at the day job. Hollywood executives, for the most part, are not idiots. I know that they cancelled your favorite TV show and put organic webshooters on Peter Parker, and I’m sorry… but they SHOULD have cancelled your favorite TV show and Peter Parker SHOULD have had organic webshooters! Hollywood execs aren’t dumb. They’re just busy.

Have you ever seen that Looney Tunes cartoon where they’re furiously laying track before the train? That’s how I think of most Hollywood execs that I know. In order to keep their overhead paid for and salary justified, they have to maintain a vast amount of projects at one time. Who knows which one will flop and which will offset the losses by being the success story. When you only have time for reading coverage and not reading scripts, this is the situation you put yourself in. Hollywood is an industry that wants SO badly to run by the rules of the Ford assembly line without having the luxury of pushing out exact copies of the same product. To keep the pipeline flowing and justify your paycheck while covering a crap load of overhead, a lot of projects have to get pushed through. It’s only natural that you will look at your past successes and tailor your business model to replicate that success for as long as you can… even if the same clothes don’t necessarily fit.

As much as I enjoyed The Dark Knight, it deserves the blame (and you do too for going to see it fifteen times). But before we start shouting that the geek sky is falling, my fellow geek brothers, let’s give Mr. Robinov some breathing room.  He never said he wanted to make Superman “dark”. He said “we’re going to try to go dark to the extent that the characters allow it”. That’s a huge difference from setting a course and sticking to it. This statement implies that each character will be analyzed to see what fits. Each character might just get treated independently of each other in the fashion that Marvel Studios has put forth for their properties. When you think of Batman, the gritty, shadow-dwelling detective of the DCU, that definitely allows for going to some dark places. Superman? The friendly neighborhood beat cop to Batman’s dark detective? Now you start to see how going “dark” can become a problem. To help out Mr. Robinov, to just what “extent” will Superman’s character “allow it”?

To find out, let’s get our hands dirty, Geekscapists, and make our ideal Superman “reboot”. And of course, by “our” I really mean “mine” because I’m captain of this silly ship and you’re the ones I’ve taken hostage.

As with any reboot, before you start throwing out the baby with the bathwater and erasing the chalkboard, let’s see what we have. What did Brian Singer’s Superman Returns leave for us? As much as I didn’t enjoy the movie, it wasn’t without its successes. Here’s a list of the things that I would keep before moving forward (I know you mofos LOVE lists).

1. Brandon Routh as Kal El. The first time that I saw a photo of Brandon Routh as Clark Kent I gasped. Do you remember the first released photo of Routh as Clark Kent? He was running down the street unbuttoning his shirt to save the day. Not only did Routh look like an Adam Kubert drawing come to life, he LOOKED like both Clark Kent AND Superman. For over a decade, we weathered a storm of names rumored to be in talks for the role of Superman: Nicholas Cage, Brandon Frasier, Paul Walker. The list of Hollywood name actors was as extensive as it was nauseating. It was almost as if Warner Brother had forgotten who the real NAME in Superman was. It’s a pretty easy test. Go to a third world non-English speaking country and hold up a picture of Superman. Then hold up a picture of Paul Walker. See which one gets the most recognition. No offense to my boy Paul Walker (see you at the barbecue this weekend, man, and 2 Fast 4 is gonna be the bomb!) but it’s Superman. There are few names that are any bigger. And with Brandon Routh, Warner Brothers found an actor who could (unhampered by a heavily weighted script) inhabit the role better than anyone… arguably even better than Christopher Reeves (by a smidgen?).

2. Metropolis is NOT New York City. Singer got this right. We all love Richard Donner’s Superman… but what is the Statue of Liberty doing in Metropolis? Supposedly, one of the earlier director’s (McG? Ratner?) issue with the project was their desire to shoot the film on location in New York City rather than WB’s brand new at the time Australia-based production studios (Matrix 2 and 3 style, baby). Brian Singer did not have a problem with this and Metropolis (and even the Kent farm filmed in Australia) looked better for it. The Metropolis that he showed us had signs of the old 1940s Fleischer Studios cartoons and the world he created was inhabited and complete. We never questioned its familiarity. The look for Superman Returns was what Superman should look like.

3. Kevin Spacey. No, I didn’t write Lex Luthor. I wrote Kevin Spacey. For my money (there’s just TONS of it, too…), Lex Luthor has yet to show up in any of the Superman films. Both Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey’s Luthors were written less as actual threats and more as ham sandwiches that elevated their voices when they wanted to be heard. Their ideas for “the perfect crime” were something that an eight year old would think of after a game of Sim City. Lex Luthor has been a pain in Kal El’s side for decades on the comic page. How come he’s a joke on the big screen? At least with Spacey, you have an actor willing to go all the way with the character as he is written. Now give him a real bad ass Luthor and you’ve got yourself someone to really fear… and a name to keep the bean counters at Warners happy.

Um… so that’s about all that I would keep.  Three things. They are huge pieces. But there’re only three of them.

Now, I think that Brian Singer is an awesome director, but Mr. Robinov and I both know that there is one step that comes first before bringing onboard your director. And without it… it won’t matter who you put in the driver’s seat (see my Kingdom of the Crystal Skull article). It’s obvious so I won’t leave you to guess. You’ve got to have your story.

Good thing that we’ve got decades of source material and a character that can reflect modern social climates BETTER THAN ANY OTHER COMIC BOOK CHARACTER EVER INVENTED. People say that it’s really hard to think of a good Superman story because “he’s too powerful” or “he’s too perfect” or “there’s no drama”. I have something to say about those people… they’re dumb and lazy.

As my first graduate screenwriting teacher would tell me: The Tree is in the Acorn (or some shit like that…). In order to write a solid Superman story with really solid drama, you have to look at the character and the origins of Superman. What is he about? Don’t tell me that Warner Brothers hasn’t looked at the success of Marvel Comics’ characters on the screen and said “how are they doing it?” because you know that they have. Well, it’s all tied into the social context of the characters themselves. None of these characters were created in a bubble. None of their creators were islands.

As Hammer would say: break it down. Spider-Man is about the changes that we all go through, both internally and physically, on our journeys to adulthood. We can ALL relate to that. The X-Men were born out of the climate of the Civil Rights Movement and the ideals of Martin Luther King (Xavier?) versus Malcom X (Magneto?). We’re getting somewhere! The Fantastic Four are LITERALLY the nuclear family of the 1950s (which is why The Incredibles embraced those familial roles and time period, resulting in a better film than the Tim Story versions) fighting against dissolution from outside pressures. All of these successful franchises that Marvel has built have a strong social and cultural context to them. When you take this context into account, you make a great movie and sell a zillion DVDs. When you ignore it… you get Daredevil, Ghost Rider and Fantastic Four; movies that open big but don’t have the legs or strength to stand the test of time.

Acknowledging this, Superman is easy. Really easy. He’s the story of our immigrant nation.  He dresses himself in the colors of our flag and protects our ideals and freedoms when challenged from within or without. In 1938, when Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster put the Man of Steel together, the United States was still a nation of first generation immigrants building upon the strength of a collective freedom and individuality. As alone and cut off as it must have felt, passing through the halls of Ellis Island, in a country you’ve never seen before, speaking a language you may have never spoken before, there is a power born from the chance at a new beginning. And you’ll defend your right to have that chance with every fiber of your being. You’ll defend OTHER’S rights to have that chance because you know it will altruistically empower YOU. Now you are talking democracy and freedom. Now you’re talking about Truth, Justice and the American Way.

Things are looking clearer, aren’t they? If you want to tackle a movie about Superman, you HAVE TO tackle a movie about America, one in which the common American, born from immigrants as we all were, must face insurmountable odds and find the strength to persevere.

This is where the script and story for Superman Returns (and even the earlier 70s and 80s versions put together by the Salkinds) left me broken hearted. There are glimpses of it in the first two Superman films (are you surprised now at why they turned out so well) but it still has never been done properly and with enough presence to carry a franchise beyond a collection of set pieces and character work. In 2006, Superman Returns missed an opportunity to make a film ABOUT something. On opening night, when I walked out of the Alamo Drafthouse South back home in Austin and told my friends Mark (Professor Wagstaff in the Geekscape house!) and Sean that I didn’t like the film, it’s because I couldn’t believe that, in the day and age that we live in, a Superman movie could have missed so clear of the mark. It saddened me and infuriated me (maybe I should get a life?). All they had to do was look around at the world we were living in and put Superman in it!

And by in it, I mean PUT HIM UP AGAINST A BAD ASS VILLIAN AND MAKE HIM DEFINE HIMSELF AS A HERO!

Everyone is so fucking ready to see Brainiac. Everyone wants to see Superman fight Doomsday. Maybe a few of you want to see Metallo or Bizzarro or Mister fucking Mxyzptlk. Well, I’m still waiting to see him go up against Lex Luthor!

In a day and age in which REAL Lex Luthors actually exist, how could you NOT write a perfect Lex Luthor story?!? We have plenty to choose from. There’s Kenneth Lay, who had to DIE in order to escape conviction for the bad business dealings that bankrupted American citizens. There’s George W. Bush and Dick Cheney! Heck, DC even took a page out of reality and made Luthor the American president a few years ago!

Fuck Brainiac! Model your Lex Luthor REALISTICALLY, the way he would (and does) exist in this world and you have a perfect villain for the Man of Steel. This is a villain that Superman cannot touch without betraying the very ideals he is supposed to uphold. Many of us sit here hostage watching the Bush Whitehouse spin and avoid scandal after scandal and there is NOTHING WE CAN DO. Why? Because they are richer and smarter than us and have been doing evil a LOT longer than we have. The average American citizen cannot touch these abusers of power… and you know what? Neither can Superman. Lex Luthor is richer. He’s smarter. And he’s been doing evil a LOT longer.

Superman’s struggler mirrors our own sentiments and this is any storyteller’s window into giving a new Superman movie a social and cultural context that an audience can invest in emotionally. Bathe your Superman movie in these themes and against a similar backdrop, Mr. Robinov, and the audience will follow you anywhere. We won’t care if Luthor comes out at the 2-hour mark alongside Brainiac, wearing a powersuit or standing on an island full of kryptonite. We’ve been frustrated by this evil jerkoff for years now and we just want to see Superman kick his ass and put him behind bars in the name of average Americans everywhere! Make him what he is in the comic books: an untouchable and believable part of the American power elite with something to hide and we will pay in droves to see him get his ass kicked. Superman is the manifestation of the American dream at its best and Lex Luthor at its worst. Lex Luthor HAS to be the villain of any Superman reboot until done right. And that definitely means he’s backed by the best… not a bunch of goons, Parker Posey and Kumar. The best and smartest villains money can buy. Realistic villains worked for Christopher Nolan and, if you want to emulate Dark Knight’s success, they will work here. Just look at them for what they are.

So now you’ve got the real world contexts that have made those damned Marvel properties so valuable. Now what do you do!?! What is the physical story?

Come on. You’ve done it before. Sam Raimi did it for the first two Spider-Man films. Go to the source material and the creators that live and breathe the characters.

Those first two Spider-Man films are my favorite comic book movies ever made. And they should be. They played like a greatest-hits mash-up of the most iconic Spider-Man stories ever told over the past 40 years. Sam Raimi embraced the stories that were time tested to have worked and laced them together. Audience loved them. If he and his brother had had the time to put as much care into the script for the third film, we’d be looking at the greatest superhero trilogy of all time. Now YOU have the chance to do it! And guess who helped you with it? The man that Marvel brought to the Hollywood landscape through it’s Blade franchise: David Goyer.

Say what you will about David Goyer’s solo outings as a director, but in the Christopher Nolan Batman movies, he’s proven himself to be a pretty damn good storyteller and barometer of things that will and will not fly in Gotham City. He received story credit on The Dark Knight and co-wrote Batman Begins. Mr. Robinov, there are two people who exist today who can do wonders like this with the Man of Steel. Their names are Geoff Johns and Grant Morrison. With All Star Superman, Grant Morrison has taken the character we all know as Superman and turned him inside out to see how he ticks, only to find that there’s no improving on him. His Lex Luthor is the perfect threat for an all-powerful Last Son of Krypton. He’s smart, he’s quick and he’s evil. In contrast, Superman isn’t a bore with too many powers. He’s a superhuman almighty lacking just one: the wits to defeat Lex. I don’t want to spoil it for you… but Lex won the battle chronicled in this series way back on page 1. And we’re still reading issue after issue.

Then there’s Geoff Johns, who’s Action Comics has delivered us the best Man of Steel stories to grace anyone’s eyeballs in fifteen years. The current Brainiac storyline running through Action Comics is the best Superman movie sequel you’ll read. The Gary Frank drawn splash page in which Superman comes face to face with Brainiac (for the first time!) makes “Kneel before Zod” sound more like “you complete me” by comparison. These are the types of cinematic moments that have been missing from the Superman films since day one and Geoff Johns is throwing them out every month like they’re dirty laundry. Does he even break a sweat when he thinks them up? Trust me. I would think of a Superman story anytime you want me to come in and pitch on the couch, but you’ve already got these two guys under exclusive contract at DC and they are truckloads smarter than me. You might as well use them.

There you have it. My thoughts on the new “dark” Superman reboot that’s supposed to be in the planning stages. People are quick to dismiss Superman as a boring character with no stories to tell and I couldn’t disagree more. He has proven himself countless times to be the most iconic and important superhero of all time and the one most engrained in our own unique cultural fabric.

Still, he proves to be extremely illusive to Hollywood and I don’t see why. The answer isn’t to go Dark Knight “dark” or to give him a huge, character reinventing reboot. It’s so much simpler than that, Mr. Robinov. Look at the world around you. Look at the country and the times that we live in. Then look inside yourself for the solutions to the problems that you see. That’s what Superman represents. You, me and everyone we share this country with. There you might find a hero that we will all want to see on the big screen. We all trust that you can bring us a solid Superman movie. Not as a reboot, but faithfully, for the first time.

It’s Going To Be Okay. The Dark Knight Will Not Sink the Titanic.  Be at Peace With That.

Going into the August 16th weekend, I have no doubts that Ben Stiller’s Tropic Thunder will reign as king of the box office come Monday morning. In doing so, it will be the first film in a month to unseat The Dark Knight at the top spot of the weekend domestic box office. We’re all okay with that idea, right? The Dark Knight has enjoyed a pretty good run (to absolutely say the least) and last weekend’s near defeat at the hands of Pineapple Express’ five day opening lay the stage for this weekend’s toppling.

It pains me to say this… but “why so serious?” Across the internet and in comic shops and cineplexes across America, geeks are on a mission. “Sink the Titanic! Sink the Titanic!” The last few episodes of Geekscape have had “sink the Titanic” conversations that have left me sitting camera-left thinking “should I be giving a shit? Am I failing my geek brethren in not taking up arms? Should I give up the cowl and cape and walk off into the night?” I’m being honest with you in saying that this entire Sink the Titanic debate is lost on me.

Is it a bunch of wasted energy? Absolutely. The Dark Knight will pass the original Star Wars this weekend at the domestic box office ultimately roll to a $500 million domestic box office (give or take $10 million). This is $100 million short of Titanic… a movie that rumbled like an unstoppable juggernaut fueled by 16 year old girls and moms WAY back in the winter of 1997… and 1998… and then the spring of 1998.  And then the SUMMER of 1998.

Let me paint you a picture of how incredible a feat Titanic’s box office performance was and why it cannot be replicated today. For months, the Titanic was present at the box office. And it built. It didn’t start amazingly well. It grew! The movie opened on the December 19th weekend of 1997 to $28 million. Not a modest bow by any means, even today, but a far cry from (in Dr. Evil voice) $600 MILLION DOLLARS! But that was just the (shit…) tip of the iceberg?

Let’s paint a picture of December 1997. Do you remember where you were? I was wrapping up my first semester at college and was excited to come home. It was freezing in Philadelphia and Austin seemed like a tropical climate by comparison. My friend Kevin McCaffrey and I had spent all night trying to finish Leisure Suit Larry: Love For Sail before racing to the airport. Before I did though, I dropped by this girl’s dorm room. We had a mutual friend and I was totally after her. She was short and from Boston. I think that’s all I remember. Shit, I don’t even remember her name (actually, I don’t remember much about her at all)! All I know is that four months earlier, I had thought college was going to be the equivalent of It’s Raining Men but instead it would be raining panties, coeds and breasts. Cut to Kevin and I playing Leisure Suit Larry in his dorm room at 3am and I think that tells you JUST HOW WRONG I HAD BEEN (and would continue to be wrong for at LEAST another year).

So I go to this girl’s dorm room just in time to see her blow me off and rush right past me to make the train. Okay. That sucked. But I got her number. Then I remember a week later asking my dad if I could call this girl. “She lives in Boston but I’ll be quick. I promise.” And it wasn’t that I was quick. She was. “I can’t talk right now. I’m rushing out the door to see Titanic with my parents.” TITANIC!?! The BOAT movie!?! With THE RETARDED KID from Gilbert Grape!?! People were going to SEE THAT MOVIE!?! WHY!?!?!

But they did. And they continued to. After opening in mid-December, Titanic went on to gross at least SEVEN FIGURES AT THE BOX OFFICE EVERY WEEKEND THROUGH JUNE 19th! June 19th! That’s over 6 months later! Can you imagine in our modern world of revolving door box office champions? Absolutely not. And for 6 MONTHS, every time I heard about “Titanic” I thought about how that chick wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with me.

The Dark Knight DOES. NOT. STAND. A. CHANCE.

Think about the factors that will lead to The Dark Knight’s 2nd place finish and a decade of change. Here’s a list just off of the top of my head that no batarang or batpod can cut through.

1)    A crowded summer marketplace. Titanic opened up against Tomorrow Never Dies. A James Bond film that was flawed but still almost beat Titanic on opening weekend… before word of mouth started separating the two over Christmas and New Years. Good Will Hunting’s platform release hadn’t picked up steam yet going into the Oscars and the rest of the competition consisted of As Good As It Gets, Mousehunt and Scream 2. Titanic and Tomorrow Never Dies landed in an opening going into the holidays, before the Oscar race had started up and after the glut of smaller October and November films. The films that Titanic and Bond were competing against were specifically targeted horror films (like Alien Resurrection and Scream 2), family films (like Mousehunt) and older slanting films (Good Will Hunting and As Good As It Gets).

The Dark Knight opened as the FOURTH superhero film in the middle of July of a summer that had already seen several large event films and family movies going back to late April. Not exactly the open arena that Titanic and Tomorrow Never Dies opened to back in 1997. And going into the rest of the summer, things were only going to get harder. As Titanic floated on at the box office, it was washing into Oscar territory. Its competition got SMALLER! Titanic gobbled them up like a big fish in a very small pond. In fact, it’s largest weekend was its SIXTH which was $36 million dollars.

2)    Dark Knight opened huge! Did you read the last two paragraphs? It’s the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady always wins the race. What Titanic did was incredible. Never in its run did it ever make more than $40 million dollars in a weekend. Dark Knight shot out of the bat cave with FOUR times that in JUST ONE WEEKEND! Holy Hollywood Pocketbooks, Batman! What an opening! And then… what a bunch of finishes. A month out and the Dark Knight looks like it will be in single digit earnings for the weekend before September is through (not exactly the 6 month stretch of Titanic’s seven figure earnings).

3)    DVD and VOD. A movie comes out and a week later it’s on DVD. Have you noticed that trend? Well, The Dark Knight won’t be swinging onto DVD until at least the holidays, but that won’t stop Iron Man, Hulk, Hancock and any other caped crusader from dropping in on the fun and picking up all those people who waited to get their summer fix from their couch. I didn’t even OWN a DVD player in the 90s! And I seriously doubt that you did in 1997. But now many of us do… and maybe not you or me… but a lot of people are still waiting out The Dark Knight.

4)    Piracy. Hahaha! Hohoho! I must be joking, right!?! I mean, how can you do a show called Geekscape and talk to all you torrenting fiends on a weekly basis without believing that piracy can’t have THAT big an effect on the pocketbooks of the below the line Hollywood employee and distributors?!? I pwn noobs who think that I’m not the most kick @ass poon pwning pirate! LOL! ROTFL! Um, yeah. You want The Dark Knight to beat Titanic? STOP PIRATING YOUR F$%KING MOVIES! Last weekend I was grilling on my patio when across the way I saw my neighbors crowding into their living room to watch “el Batman”. No, not Tim Burton’s or Joel Schumacher’s. Not even El Batman Impiesa (El Batman Begins to the anglos). THEY WERE WATCHING EL DARK KNIGHT PERFECTLY PIRATED ONTO A DVD! I stood there with my jaw dropped open watching the opening bank heist scene as my meat burst into flames on the grill. Trust me. If my neighbors, who up until this point only watched Chespirito on TeleMundo (with the doors and windows open on full blast, mind you) can figure out how to get a pirated and perfect looking version of The Dark Knight… millions can. And they aren’t going to pay $50 plus to take the family to see it either. So “Sink the Titanic?” Uh… “stop pirating first, jerkoff?”

Okay, those are just off the top of my head. What do you think? Are you convinced yet? No? Well, watch it happen. And you know what? Whatever.

I can already hear you crying through your braces: “But Titanic’s not even a good movie!” I hate to tell you… but after repeat viewings, The Dark Knight’s not a whole lot better. Both movies are without a doubt too long and have moments where you look at your watch and think “I could be at home reading comics… and by comics I mean watching porn”. Both movies have really strong visual sequences and incredible performances. Say what you will about Leo,  but he did put on a solid performance and was so put off by his Oscar snub that he skipped the awards show all together and didn’t show his face again until Danny Boyle’s The Beach.

And if you think “Titanic’s not even a good movie!” why don’t you tell that to the thousands and thousands of American’s who DON’T make up your World of Warcraft guild that DO think Titanic’s a good movie? It’s not about whether or not the movie’s good by our standards! Shit, the prequels are in the top 10 somewhere (thanks for THAT, assholes!)! And Titanic is WAY better than ANY of the prequels (I just heard you yell “noooooooooooo!”). In fact, I don’t think it’s a bad movie at all; just not one I’m interested in seeing again.

Last night I attended a tribute to Stan Winston at the Nokia Theater downtown.  Before the tribute, there was a reception, and the whole night was hosted by Sony Imageworks, so the reception had a lot of effects guys and digital FX wizards in the room. I met a guy named John who does digital mapping of objects for films. His Second Life set up is probably The Matrix. The room was full of guys like John and effects people like John Dykstra and my friend Scott, who you have all seen on Geekscape and was nice enough to bring me along.

Then I saw James Cameron, standing there, talking to a few of his friends and coworkers. I slid past him to get in line for the buffet and immediately, the proximity to him made me think about this retarded “Sink Titanic” debate. And then, maybe the way he was standing, definitely the way he was dressed, whatever, Jim Cameron made me think of my dad. James Cameron reminded me of my dad and how he talks to his friends and hangs out with his friends. And it made me like the guy. And then it made me hate the “Sink Titanic” debate. Because in some weird way, it wasn’t just fucking with James Cameron. It was fucking with my dad. And that made me mad.

In early December of 1997, the Hollywood version of my dad’s film career could have been in ruins. Titanic was billed as the biggest budget in Hollywood History (and it was at the time). Two years previous, the previous most expensive movie, Water World, had come out and tanked. Judging by the box office of Kevin Costner’s Swing Vote last weekend… he has yet to recover from it. Water World wrecked Kevin Costner’s career. And my Hollywood dad could have very easily followed. Everyone was talking about what a risk the film was and how much it cost. The only picture that I had seen was one from a magazine that summer, of Cameron, waste deep in water, strapped to a steadicam and shooting a scene, with a giant headline alluding to Titanic being the second coming of Water World.

And last night, during the tribute, listening to James Cameron talk about his friend Stan Winston, I only started hating my fellow Dark Knight loving geeks more. Cameron talked about his friend with so much love and celebration that I couldn’t help loving him. I couldn’t help feeling sad about how he missed his Winston as he talked about how much Stan loved scaring people and pioneering and taking risks. He talked with excitement about turning Terminator 2 around in TWELVE AND A HALF MONTHS from first draft to film delivery (stop and think about what an achievement that is) with Stan’s help (and Dennis Murren at ILM). He talked about Stan directing second unit on Aliens and how he created a lot of the great shots in that film.

It was a lot of mixed emotions. I met Stan Winston for all of eight minutes last year and I MISSED HIM on a personal level last night. And after collaborating with him for over 20 years, James Cameron definitely missed him. I wondered if James Cameron, the day he was up to his waste in water holding a steadicam back in 1995 or 1996, went home and called his friend Stan Winston and vented.  I wonder if he asked him for help.  I wonder if he asked him what he could do to help save his movie and his reputation. The way James Cameron spoke made me think of moments when I catch my dad on our back patio at home sitting by himself looking at my older brother’s bench. I walk up and say “hi” and he doesn’t say anything but just takes my hand and motions for me to sit next to him and I can tell he was wondering what my brother would be doing if he was alive today. So we don’t say anything and just sit there until something in me gets too anxious and I have to get him up and in the house to go do something else.

That’s the stuff that was going through my head last night listening to James Cameron talk. And those thoughts stayed with me throughout the screening of Terminator 2 that followed. And afterwards, when Scott said “man, that movie just reigns you in, doesn’t it?” and all through my drive home. Jim Cameron’s been making our favorite movies since I was born. And a bunch of people want to fuck with his title because “it wasn’t even that good a movie.”

Well, I didn’t think I’d ever hear myself saying this… but “fuck you, Batman.” And fuck everyone that wants my Hollywood Dad’s movie sunk. The Dark Knight had a phenomenal at bat, but as you will all see, the Titanic is going to sail on.