There are many reasons for the heavy-set, such as myself, to lament being the shape that they are. You can’t run that 7 minute mile. You have to work extra hard to get that girl. You are forced to wear that ass-ugly Hawaiian shirt. With life beset on all sides because of hardships like these, there has always been a bastion in the storm: video games.
It used to be a level playing field. You could have a professional athlete, a pretty boy and a fatty all play against each other and it didn’t matter. In fact, the fat guy (or girl, I won’t be sexist) probably had the advantage because they realistically played the game more while they weren’t out wasting time with winning football games or scoring with chicks (or dudes…except maybe virtually). It was a glorious time. A time of Mario and Link. A time of Halo and MGS. A time where the only slight disturbance was having to pause your Counter Strike game to go get more Cheetos and Mountain Dew. And all was good.
Then came the crafty Japanese and their need for “physical activity” in games. It started off innocently enough with Dance Dance Revolution. A game meant for children that was funny to watch older people make idiots of themselves on. I mean really, tapping arrows with your feet does not a Baryshnikov or a Timberlake make. It was fine, though, because you didn’t have to play it if you didn’t want to. But things, as they tend to do, got worse…
With the success of DDR, more and more rhythm games and physical games started popping up. The best of which was Guitar Hero, because it could still be played sitting on a chair and rocking out Eric Clapton style and one did not necessarily look lazy with that choice of sitting – as opposed to pretending like you were performing with the real band, impressing either party goers or your uncles and aunts.
Then came the Wii… Oh Wii… How you broke my heart. I bought the Wii on release day. I waited in line for 4 hours to get a presale for it. I thought “sure, it’s a little physically damanding… but who can turn down the draw of Zelda, Mario and Metroid?” At first it was fine. Bowling is fun, but it’s a fat sport. Baseball was great since you didn’t have to run (and also, Baseball is a fat sport too). Zelda was great because you could perform all movements in short swipes. Then the challenges started.
The first time I noticed the gaming world turning out from under my cushioned butt was Tiger Woods 2008 for the Wii. I bought it thinking, “I like to golf!” (And I do. It’s the one sport I truly love doing in the real world.) Why not buy a game where you can interact like a real club? I will tell you why people. In the real game of golf, one can buy fat guy clubs. These clubs have a little extra length for the compensation of the belly room needed. In Tiger Woods, there is no such calibration for your virtual club. When you swing, the belly space isn’t taken into account. You end up slicing that glorious belly of yours like nobody’s business. That and it’s tiring. Standing up all the time. Where’s my go-kart time? Where’s my beer caddy? The upshot to this is that a friend and I discovered that you don’t have to stand and play…the game will recognize the swing even if you are sitting down and swinging the Wii-mote over your head. Problem solved!
Then came Metroid. What’s the problem with Metroid you ask? Nothing. The game is brilliant and it is a ton of fun – until the controls stop being recognized by the Wii. The game is set up so that in order to turn around you need to point at different sides of the screen. There are also many points where you have to point and pull to interact with items and puzzles in the game. Once again… the gut gets in the way.
Us gravity-challenged individuals know that when you have the food baby in front of you, you are always compensating for extra arm room. This makes it so that when our arms are at rest they are further apart then those of a skinny person (I call them twigs). Twigs have no problems with games that are played like Metroid because the controls were designed with their stick-bug like physiology in mind. Due to our larger proportions, the controls become unstable and Samus can’t turn around fast enough to attack the evil space pirate shooting her well rounded female space bountyhunter ass. Most frustrating, she can’t pull controls to shut off a force field while those pesky space pirates keep showing up and turning them on again! And you just want to move on with the goddam game! But once again the controls get all wonky in your breadloaf sized hands and you end up turning it off and consoling yourself with a meatball subsandwich (though maybe that’s just me).
And don’t even get me started on Rock Band.
A few months back I decided to invest my hard earned tax return in a little game called Rock Band. It was great at first. I love the singing and guitar. I finally started challenging myself with the drums a few weeks ago and after mastering Easy I set out to try Medium (yeah, don’t hate the talent!). The main difference between the two? More foot pedal for the kick drum.
After playing this for a few weeks I’ve come to realize one thing: there are not that many fat drummers.
Yes, I know a select few of you can name 5 off the top of your head, but for us mere laymen there really aren’t that many. Sure, most drummers aren’t in peak physical condition – most are either skinny fat (too much beer) or skinny skinny (too much blow). All this aside, I do believe I know the reason for this absence of girth: Counter Rhythms.
Allow me to explain: Physics states that for each action there is an equal and opposite re-action. In this case, the force of hitting the drums and pressing the foot pad down causes an equal force up. On most healthy-proportioned people this would be hardly noticable – possibly a little jump upward on the down beat. That’s the twigs. When you get a heavier set person, such as myself, on the drums…you get what I like to call the “Belly Beat”. For each strike down on the drums, the belly goes up a half second later, creating a horrible off tempo beat. What does this do? IT THROWS EVERYTHING OUT OF RHYTHM!
Now you try to play Green Grass and High Tides and see if you don’t go way off beat when the fast part comes along.
After dabbling in these games of frustration, I have decided that they may be good for most folks but not for me. Thank God GTA4 will be out by the end of the month. At least in that game I don’t have to burn any calories while athletically running away from the cops after bashing a hooker’s head in with a lead pipe and taking her hard-earned drug money back.