A TV Addict’s 10 Most Anticipated Shows Of 2013!

by paulpresley93May 19, 2013

10. Resurrection

By now I think you’ve realized the only new shows I’m excited for are just because of the involvement of one person. So… THIS ONE HAS THE DAD FROM THAT 70’S SHOW AS A CREEPY NEIGHBOR WHO WE OF COURSE REMEMBER AS BODDICKER IN ROBOCOP. Done. I can’t even remember what this show’s about. Sue me.

9. Crisis

Political intrigue. Kids in Danger. Blah blah blah. Gillian Anderson is in it, and she’s a bad bitch. The pilot was directed by the guy who did Salt. Imagine THAT movie with Scully. Best. Shit. Ever.

8. Killer Women

Do I know what this show is about? No. Do I know it has BSG’s Tricia Helfer as a gun-slinging badass? Yes. So I will probably own every season of this show when it comes out on Blu-Ray. Absolutely.

7. Hostage

Toni Collette and Josh Holloway star in this gritty CBS drama where Collette plays a surgeon chosen to operate on the president whose family is subsequently taken hostage. I am a fan of trashy, political, ticking time bomb shows and the involvement of Collette bodes well for it. This has potential to be the next 24 (at least until 24 comes back), but I think Blacklist will give it a run for its money seeing as both have similar themes. This better be as taut and edgy as it has potential to be.

6. Once Upon a Time in Wonderland

Is it a little too presumptuous of a series to do a spin off after season 2? Yes. Should we all be really excited about it? Absolutely. OUAT, in case you don’t watch, is a really great show. It started out a little rough, but it finally found its voice and a way of balancing now three timelines. The fairy tale genre is really expansive, and now that we’ve finally got a show that made it past season 1 that explores it, I hope we get all the different universes. And think about the crossover storylines later on!

5. Super Fun Night

While I think it’s a little too soon in her career to start a television show, I certainly am excited to see Rebel Wilson in her own series, a sitcom about a group of nerdy girls who set out every week to have a “Super Fun Night”. This is a really cool premise that has potential to have a lot of humor and depth, but there is a chance it could just end up being repetitive garbage… So I’ll be on the lookout.

4. The Blacklist

This show is 50 Shades of Whaaaaaaaa? James Spader, the world’s most wanted man, gives himself over to the FBI? Why did he do it? What is going on? OH MY GOD POLITICS! This has potential to be the most addictive new show on network television. It is drenched in soapy espionage that makes for a really good series and also James Spader guys! Plus a kickass lady action hero. Sign me up!

3. The Crazy Ones

Yeah I know it’s CBS, but CBS has tried this year to get some edgier comedies because they’re tired of only being watched by right-wing, ancient hillbillies. In case you haven’t heard of it, this is the show that’s making my nerdy side quiver with delight just because of the two principle actors: Sarah Michelle Gellar and Robin Williams. This has full potential to suck, but from the trailer it looks pretty funny. Remember how fun it was seeing both of these people on TV? Put them together aaaaaand it’s either going to be my favorite show ever or a complete disaster.

2. Sleepy Hollow

Again, being someone who was a big fan of Fringe, it’s assumed that my number 2 would be Sleepy Hollow, the new Alexander Horowitz sci-fi mystery about Ichabod Crane… time travelling? Yeah, okay, this sounds like a show conceived in the bad part of the coke binge, but it’s actually looking really interesting. Crane wakes up in present day America to find the world in a dystopian state and it appears to be connected to the Headless Horseman. If there’s anyone that can pull this off, it’s the people behind Fringe.

1. Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Being a bigger than average Joss Whedon fan, it’s natural that my number one pick for show with the most potential is Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Joss’s freshly picked up series set in the Marvel Universe focusing on the agents of said organization. Think about it! Finally, the man gets a show that has potential to make it past season 2! Regardless of how quirky and nerdy-deep it gets, people are going to watch because it’s set in the world of The Avengers. Just about everyone is probably going to want to check this out. I only hope more of the Whedonverse get to make appearances!

Well those are my top ten. So think, if those are the top ten, what must the bottom ten be like?

Another Look: Is ‘Evil Dead’ Really THAT Scary?

by paulpresley93April 10, 2013

For the record, I would like to state that I hate Evil Dead’s marketing campaign, boasting itself as the most horrifying film of all time and blah blah blah. Going into it, I was expecting to be scared. Naturally. I mean the trailer almost made me shit my pants. I was at the world premiere at SXSW, really excited to see the film and was… well essentially dumbstruck at how terrified I was throughout. Like this shit is ACTUALLY the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. This weekend I even had to go a second time just to make sure it wasn’t just me reacting to the gore. Guess what. It wasn’t. Not only was I still scared throughout the second viewing of the film, I had a panic attack in the last ten minutes. Many people have been complaining, saying that it is not as scary or as good as the original films, which is up for debate, but I like to look at the newest interpretation to be closer to what Raimi was going for with his unintentionally funny first film. This is his story with a budget and a modernized artistic vision, and in my opinion it is the best straight horror movie in ages.

Now let’s get things straight, I have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to horror films. I watched The Exorcist post-midnight with all the lights off and didn’t flinch. Same thing with the lesser known Martyrs. There’s something within the concept of the Evil Dead universe that comes across as universally horrifying. Not only does it play on our natural fears of isolationism, the universe as a whole has a history of playing with our nerves in terms of types of gore used. There is an emphasis on self mutilation, especially to smaller, more painful pieces of our bodies like hands, faces and ankles. The original films by Sam Raimi also had a penchant for combining gross out humor with actual horror (ex. all the vomiting and bleeding in Bruce Campbell’s mouth) and the new Evil Dead more than lives up to that aspect. The self-mutilation in this film is used in a very intelligent way that subscribes to the “what isn’t seen is often the scariest” theory. When the more intense gore is shown, it makes sure it has a purpose. There’s a lot of gimmicky gross-out things a la Saw, but they are shown in a manner that makes them actually horrifying instead of just nasty. It makes sure to show you what’s going on so that you know, but only show you just enough and just in time to build suspense WHILE freaking you the fuck out.

In addition to all of the “you can’t escape” business and psychological gore, there is one crucial element to horror films that is so rarely talked about. That aspect: the sound design. Sound is one of the most crucial elements in a horror movie. Think about it. Alien. Scream. Even the original Evil Dead. One of the most important pieces of the production that crews slave over endlessly is sound. Wes Craven spent MONTHS trying to get the phone to the right pitch for Scream so that it was presented at the most terrifying pitch possible. This labor is really apparent on the Evil Dead remake; Bruce Campbell himself was responsible for a lot of the work with it. And guess what? It’s absolutely horrifying. The moment when Jane Levy shoots the window and officially becomes possessed, uttering the words “You’re all going to die tonight”, is absolutely classic.

Now you know my actual pretentious film geek perspective on the matter, it’s time to decide if it’s actually the scariest film I’ve ever seen. Thinking about it, my knee-jerk reaction is to say no. There are many other horror movies that are technically better films than this one, but then that’s not really the question, is it? There were probably only about 15 minutes of this movie that I wasn’t petrified, and that was character exposition that makes you care about the fate of the people anyways, so I’ll forgive it. I have never been so constantly terrified in a movie without feeling bombarded and exhausted. The horror is done in a way that doesn’t insult the audience by just having the scary moments happen and leaving them there to die. It follows through with all of its horrific notions to gruesome effect, and lays terror upon terror into the framework of the film in a way that doesn’t let it topple over on itself. Also, SOMEONE CUTS THEIR FACE OFF WITH A PIECE OF GLASS!!!!!!!!!!! If that’s not one of the most horrific things EVER, then I don’t know what is.

So in conclusion, Evil Dead may not be the best horror movie but it certainly is the scariest in my opinion. If you haven’t seen it (which means you’re terrible at being a movie geek), put on a diaper, run to the nearest theater and get ready to SHIT YOUR PANTS in terror. Then you can decide: scariest film ever… or just an overzealous marketing campaign.

You can read Jonathan’s review of the film here.

And check out Brent Moore’s opinion here.

10 Geektastic Movies That NEED To Be TV Shows

by paulpresley93March 30, 2013

There has been a lot of shows lately that are adaptations, prequels or sequels to stand-alone films, which I personally think is great. Bates Motel is on A&E and Amazon just picked up the rights to a Zombieland pilot, both sure to set all of our nerd senses to tingling. All this got me thinking: there are so many other movies that could certainly benefit from being made into a television series, and here’s my list of the geekiest, most spectacular of the bunch. And yeah, I know a lot of these have already been adapted into animated series, but I’m talking big-budget, live-action primetime here folks.

10. Back to the Future

This was one of those that had an animated series that I’m not counting, but COME ON! Wouldn’t you love to see a modern day Marty McFly tagging along with Doc Brown across all different kinds of history? The possibilities are endless. This even has potential to be (dare I say it) the American Doctor Who! Imagine the two traveling through time solving mysteries or something while picking up companions and having cultural differences from the other people in the town. It’s basically Back to the Future Part III over and over again. It’s almost completely unnecessary to the overall plot of the series, but so much fun that you forgive it anyways.

9. Kick-Ass

This one is essentially a given once the film series stops being a thing. I mean, it’s already a comic book series, so the world for the television series is essentially already set up. I haven’t personally read comics (bad geek, I know) but I would assume that the makers of the movies would leave the series open enough for some additional materials. The movie has garnered a cult following with people who are probably too young to be watching it, and an MTV series would probably be the perfect vehicle to capitalize on this. Before all you purist naysayers immediately object to this being on MTV, think about the channel’s current programming. They create relatively consistent (and violent) original scripted shows, and this would catapult the Kick-Ass canon to further cult success. Food for thought.

8. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

Hey, you remember that Jude Law movie about robots attacking vintage New York you didn’t see? Well it was awesome. And if you cut down on some of the more unnecessary special effects, it could make for a brilliant, less-costly TV show. When you watch the movie you get the impression that there were meant to be sequels, but literally no one saw this movie so it was kind of impractical. But seriously. Cast two young show-runners in Law and Paltrow’s respective roles, my nominations being Dylan O’Brien (sidekick from Teen Wolf) and Ashley Benson (recently seen being a psycho slut in Spring Breakers), and there you go: ratings gold. There could be quirky one-liners, dramatic villains and sinfully cheesy season arcs, and everything would be perfect.

7. Starship Troopers

I’m honestly surprised that SyFy Channel hasn’t jumped on this sooner. There was apparently an animated series devoted to the giant bug killing universe, but IMDb only lists 14 episodes, so that barely counts. But seriously, can you imagine a shit-tastic cable series with D-list former soap opera stars slaying poorly made CGI bugs? Wait. Let it sink in for a bit more. Thaaaat’s right. Now we’re on the same page. There were tons of straight to DVD sequels that have helped to expand this universe to something other than “the one where Neil Patrick Harris is a metaphor for Naziism” and has created a lot of “hate watch” fandom. Starship Troopers is one of the quintessential college “let’s get drunk to this” movies and a TV show would simply make all of our alcoholic endeavors so much richer.

6. Men in Black

Yeah. There was an animated one of this too. Deal. While I am admittedly not a huge fan of the series, I would watch the shit out of it if it was a TV show. It seems like a premise that would serve much better as a serial anyways. My main problem with Men in Black is that the villains are never given enough time to have much emotional impact, and even if they were are too comical to really be taken seriously. I think that the MiB world would benefit strongly from a series pretty similar to Buffy, where characters are given time to grow and each season introduces a “big bad” who is the main villain throughout most of the series. If your nerd senses aren’t tingling from that description then you may want to get them checked.

5. Being John Malkovich

This one is admittedly a little out of left field, but hear me out! So in the original film, John Cusack finds a portal that has the ability to transport one into the mind of John Malkovich. Pretty weird idea that doesn’t seem like it would work in a movie much less a TV show, right? Wrong. So in this writer’s view for the show, the portal is re-opened for whatever reason, preferably NOT by Charlie Sheen as referenced in the end of the film, only to discover that it can be manipulated to enter any celebrities mind. Get a good team of writers on board and you’ve got a brilliant series that is cancelled mid-season and establishes a cult following. BOOM. You’re welcome, Fox.

4. Children of Men

I mean… it’s essentially already an AMC show. Let’s get real. Conflicted male protagonist with secrets (ahem, Mad Men) whose sole goal is to protect incompetent and sometimes pregnant women with hopes of saving the world (ahem, Walking Dead). That aside I do think that the film would make for an interesting mini-series, if not a full blown series. There are a lot of really interesting political things brought up, and the series could follow the beginning of the infertility problem with the population (if you haven’t seen it it’s about a society of people that can’t have babies) and further the movie’s somewhat cliffhanger of an ending. A low tech sci-fi show about dystopian societies are right up basic cable’s alley, and can you say Emmy material???

3. Alien

The primary reaction to this one is probably “How the fuck do you make that into a series?” Oh trust me my friends, its very possible. Through various sequels, prequels and whatever the hell you would consider Alien vs. Predator, the Alien saga has built up quite an impressive universe for itself, not to mention a killer fan base. There are a lot of questions about the nature of The Company that were left unanswered by Prometheus, which was too preoccupied with being a stand-alone film to actually give the fans what they wanted, and a TV series is the perfect way to do that. If we are all insistent on not taking Prometheus back and pretending it didn’t exist, it can take up immediately after that film and be concerned with the more political sides of the Alien saga, while still having some aspects of sci-fi terror to keep things interesting. Seeing that HBO has a thing for stylized, dry (if a little boring at time *ahem Game of Thrones*) fantasy works, this would be a perfect addition to their line-up.

2. Who Framed Roger Rabbit

If this was a series, childhood Paul would literally die of happiness. The real people/cartoon mix may be a little too difficult on the CGI count to be able to actually be a TV series but you have to admit it would be intriguing. I could work really well as a half hour sitcom if the raunchiness was amped up a bit from the original film. And by a bit I mean to like Family Guy levels. Yeah, the original was a kids movie and this would go against the original spirit of the film and blah blah blah but imagine the awesomeness of a PG-13 Roger Rabbit series? The movie was already pretty dark and a series would be the perfect thing to not only further the film’s cult following, but also to make the best damned animated/live-action cross over television series there is!

1. Blade Runner

This. Really though. This. Just let this sink in for a while. Blade Runner has one of the most cinematically unexplored sci-fi universes, which confounds me because it’s fascinating. I guess there really wasn’t a desire to make a sequel, because the storyline of the film is pretty neatly wrapped up. There are so many great characters and such a rich history in the world, and it could be a very Battlestar Galactica-esque series, which I’m not just saying because I’m hoping for an Edward James Olmos cameo. It would probably work best if it were a prequel series to the film, telling the story of how the replicants came to be, their rise to prominence and their sub-sequential fall from glory. And the best part is, there would be almost complete creative control because the film is based on a short story that doesn’t give much more information than the film does. So in other words, this is my favorite show that isn’t actually a show yet.

That pretty neatly wraps up my list. Here’s hoping a few of these come to fruition before I die. And here’s hoping that Zombieland pilot doesn’t suck balls. Stay nerdy my friends. Stay nerdy.

The 9 Most Awkward Moments From ‘American Horror Story: Asylum’

by paulpresley93March 21, 2013

Upon the recent news regarding the casting and theme of next year’s American Horror Story vignette, I feel the need address one of the things that makes this show as amazing as it is: its sheer, unapologetic awkwardness. Never has a film, television series, or YouTube video made me so uncomfortable over the course of an hour (while loving every minute of it). I loved it so much in fact, that I have comprised a list of the most awkward moments from season 2.

SPOILER ALERT: I’m essentially telling you the entire plot (save the last few episodes), so if you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading now.

9. Evan Peters Gets an Anal Probing

This happens within the first ten minutes, so not much of a spoiler, but holy balls is it awkward. One second he’s chilling with his wife, and the next there’s a big green alien hand headed for his… well ass. What makes it worse is that not one, but TWO fingers are extended. Ryan Murphy has to know that this is the number of fingers designated “the pleaser”. This was certainly a banger way to start off the series. Pun most definitely intended.

8. The Best Solution to Alien Abduction? Polygamy…

So this season not one, but TWO of Evan Peters’ significant others also get abducted and impregnated by aliens (yet the kids are biologically his?). One apparently took a long time in gestation, so poor Evan just assumed she was dead. One day he comes home and BOOM his OTHER lady is home. His solution: polygamy. And thus it turned into an episode of Sister Wives. Apparently Ryan Murphy thinks this is the proper train of thought when placed in this situation, but I guess it is more believable than the alternative: having an American Gladiator style fight to the death. Maybe next season?

7. Chloe Sevigny Insults the Size of James Cromwell’s ahem Nether-regions

At some point early in the plot, James attempts to rape Chloe and just when he whips out ol’ Richard she responds by laughing at how small it is. Now if it wasn’t awkward enough for viewers that they were about to witness rape, it ends with knowing that the old guy from Babe has a tiny penis. Way to ruin that movie… while simultaneously explaining a lot about it.

6. Chloe Soon After is Turned into a Monster and Dumped in a Playground

Because she does insult Cromwell’s penis, his natural reaction is to it is to turn her into a Frankenstein monster and… dump her in a children’s playground? Apparently so… because soon after this occurrence we see the now deformed woman crawling through a playground thoroughly ensuring that all of the children there will be needing intensive therapy later in life. Seeing something that looks like a sea monkey crawling towards you and moaning isn’t something a juice box and some goldfish can fix, which makes this significantly more awkward for the kids than the audience.

5. Lots of Nun Whipping… Lots…

Nun on nun. Nun on slut. Nun on serial killer. Lots of nun whipping to be had Briarcliff, Jessica Lange having an entire wardrobe devoted to all of her paddles. And if this wasn’t confusing enough for your libido they actually show the asses of the people getting whipped, also proving that none of these people wear underwear. The weirdest of these whippings is most definitely the “nun on nun”. The innocent young nun drops her drawers to be spanked by the older, wiser nun. Is it just me, or is this the plot of every late 70’s porno?

4. Jessica Lange Tries to be Sexy…. and Succeeds…

She gives a priest a lap dance in a red satin lingerie piece… ‘Nuff said.

3. A Lesbian is Forced to Touch a Penis… and Cries

First off, I’d like to address how ridiculous it was that Lana didn’t just play straight for a week to get out of the insane asylum. That was the easiest solution to this problem. But noooooooo she had to go all proud lesbian (which I honor, I just think it’s a little impractical) and remain adamant that she liked the V. But to make matters worse (or potentially hilarious to the viewer) as therapy they make her touch the penis of a gorgeous man. Poor dear. And she responds by bursting into tears. Seriously, lesbians don’t find penises that horrifying in real life. They just would rather not participate. Ridiculous (and oh so awkward).

2. Channing Tatum’s Wife Gives Adam Levine a Blow Job While His Arm is Cut Off

I honestly had no idea how to condense the title of this one… Channing Tatum’s wife (that’s her real name, isn’t it?) gives Maroon 5 (he’s the only one in that band right?) a blow job while his arm gets hacked off. There’s not enough Colgate in the world to wash that taste out of your mouth. But at least you got to put Adam Levine’s penis in your mouth. I personally am still waiting on that call.

1. DYLAN MCDERMOTT SUCKS MILK FROM A HOOKER’S BOOB

YES! HE DOES! I… I cant…. I have never been more uncomfortable watching television since that episode of Murder, She Wrote where Angela Lansbury doesn’t wear a bra. This serves no purpose to the series other than to make the audience yell profanities at their TV because they can’t believe what’s going on. AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT SENSUALLY. The hooker comes over and begins to speak in a sultry voice saying things like “My nipples are so hard.” “I’m about to burst.” and my personal favorite “I’ve got a rockin’ body and a titty full of milk.”

Done. All kinds of done. Here’s hoping that the next season brings more and more delightfully hard to watch nonsense (which it should, because Kathy Bates is probably playing a witch, and there’s not a damn person alive that doesn’t want to see that).