Upon the recent news regarding the casting and theme of next year’s American Horror Story vignette, I feel the need address one of the things that makes this show as amazing as it is: its sheer, unapologetic awkwardness. Never has a film, television series, or YouTube video made me so uncomfortable over the course of an hour (while loving every minute of it). I loved it so much in fact, that I have comprised a list of the most awkward moments from season 2.

 

SPOILER ALERT: I’m essentially telling you the entire plot (save the last few episodes), so if you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading now.

 

9. Evan Peters Gets an Anal Probing

 

This happens within the first ten minutes, so not much of a spoiler, but holy balls is it awkward. One second he’s chilling with his wife, and the next there’s a big green alien hand headed for his… well ass. What makes it worse is that not one, but TWO fingers are extended. Ryan Murphy has to know that this is the number of fingers designated “the pleaser”. This was certainly a banger way to start off the series. Pun most definitely intended.

 

loldaddy.com-1339791153

 

8. The Best Solution to Alien Abduction? Polygamy…

 

So this season not one, but TWO of Evan Peters’ significant others also get abducted and impregnated by aliens (yet the kids are biologically his?). One apparently took a long time in gestation, so poor Evan just assumed she was dead. One day he comes home and BOOM his OTHER lady is home. His solution: polygamy. And thus it turned into an episode of Sister Wives. Apparently Ryan Murphy thinks this is the proper train of thought when placed in this situation, but I guess it is more believable than the alternative: having an American Gladiator style fight to the death. Maybe next season?

 

ahs-s02e12-2

 

7. Chloe Sevigny Insults the Size of James Cromwell’s *ahem* Nether-regions

 

At some point early in the plot, James attempts to rape Chloe and just when he whips out ol’ Richard she responds by laughing at how small it is. Now if it wasn’t awkward enough for viewers that they were about to witness rape, it ends with knowing that the old guy from Babe has a tiny penis. Way to ruin that movie… while simultaneously explaining a lot about it.

 

tumblr_mch2qp1tOL1qbooxeo1_500

 

6. Chloe Soon After is Turned into a Monster and Dumped in a Playground

 

Because she does insult Cromwell’s penis, his natural reaction is to it is to turn her into a Frankenstein monster and… dump her in a children’s playground? Apparently so… because soon after this occurrence we see the now deformed woman crawling through a playground thoroughly ensuring that all of the children there will be needing intensive therapy later in life. Seeing something that looks like a sea monkey crawling towards you and moaning isn’t something a juice box and some goldfish can fix, which makes this significantly more awkward for the kids than the audience.

 

ahs-asylum7

 

5. Lots of Nun Whipping… Lots…

 

Nun on nun. Nun on slut. Nun on serial killer. Lots of nun whipping to be had Briarcliff, Jessica Lange having an entire wardrobe devoted to all of her paddles. And if this wasn’t confusing enough for your libido they actually show the asses of the people getting whipped, also proving that none of these people wear underwear. The weirdest of these whippings is most definitely the “nun on nun”. The innocent young nun drops her drawers to be spanked by the older, wiser nun. Is it just me, or is this the plot of every late 70’s porno?

 

tumblr_m9iyk6byd11r4suhqo1_400

 

4. Jessica Lange Tries to be Sexy…. and Succeeds…

 

She gives a priest a lap dance in a red satin lingerie piece… ‘Nuff said.

 

Ep1Pic7

 

3. A Lesbian is Forced to Touch a Penis… and Cries

 

First off, I’d like to address how ridiculous it was that Lana didn’t just play straight for a week to get out of the insane asylum. That was the easiest solution to this problem. But noooooooo she had to go all proud lesbian (which I honor, I just think it’s a little impractical) and remain adamant that she liked the V. But to make matters worse (or potentially hilarious to the viewer) as therapy they make her touch the penis of a gorgeous man. Poor dear. And she responds by bursting into tears. Seriously, lesbians don’t find penises that horrifying in real life. They just would rather not participate. Ridiculous (and oh so awkward).

 

AHS_210_NameGame_0285_620x350

 

2. Channing Tatum’s Wife Gives Adam Levine a Blow Job While His Arm is Cut Off

 

I honestly had no idea how to condense the title of this one… Channing Tatum’s wife (that’s her real name, isn’t it?) gives Maroon 5 (he’s the only one in that band right?) a blow job while his arm gets hacked off. There’s not enough Colgate in the world to wash that taste out of your mouth. But at least you got to put Adam Levine’s penis in your mouth. I personally am still waiting on that call.

 

adam-levine-maroon-5-400x450

 

1. DYLAN MCDERMOTT SUCKS MILK FROM A HOOKER’S BOOB

 

YES! HE DOES! I… I cant…. I have never been more uncomfortable watching television since that episode of Murder, She Wrote where Angela Lansbury doesn’t wear a bra. This serves no purpose to the series other than to make the audience yell profanities at their TV because they can’t believe what’s going on. AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT SENSUALLY. The hooker comes over and begins to speak in a sultry voice saying things like “My nipples are so hard.” “I’m about to burst.” and my personal favorite “I’ve got a rockin’ body and a titty full of milk.”

 

got-milk

 

Done. All kinds of done. Here’s hoping that the next season brings more and more delightfully hard to watch nonsense (which it should, because Kathy Bates is probably playing a witch, and there’s not a damn person alive that doesn’t want to see that).

I come to praise American Horror Story: Asylum, not to bury it.  Well, maybe bury it a just a little. American Horror Story on FX is an odd show for me to write about objectively; I think it is currently the single most entertaining show on television, with possibly the best ensemble cast currently working on the small screen. The production values are top notch, and there is simply no more of an addicting show on television than this one. At the end of each week’s episode of American Horror Story, you just can’t wait for the next week’s installment. And yet…despite truly brilliant performances from everyone involved, there is the feeling that much of this series is plotted out on napkins and never given more than a first draft by the show’s creators. Last night’s episode concluded the season (actually, the series, as each season of American Horror Story is a self contained story) concluding some storylines in a satisfying fashion, while others… not as much.

ohzb5

American Horror Story: Asylum started this season with an alien abduction, a serial killer on the loose, a mad doctor, zombie like creatures, a feisty reporter, and a nun with a penchant for corporal punishment. And that’s all introduced the very first episode of the season; by the next few episodes we are introduced to Satanic possession, Nazi war criminals, murderous Santa Clauses and the Angel of Death herself. Oh, and Anne Frank. Because, ya know…at this point, why not? Toss in the proverbial kitchen sink while you’re at it. It started to become pretty clear early on that all these disparate plot elements were in no way tied together in any kind of cohesive fashion, aside from the fact that they all took place at Briarcliff Asylum at the same period in time. Ok, so in this way it’s like a standard soap opera, where there are tons of story lines going on at once only barely connected. While I can live with that, I still think all those plot elements deserve a satisfactory resolution, and only a few of them receive that on this show. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

 

But now that the season is all over and done with, I’m here to talk about the good, the bad, and the “somewhere in between” of American Horror Story: Asylum. Warning, there are big time SPOILERS in this article, so if you’re not caught up on the show yet, or plan to watch it on Netflix sometime down the road, then please wait to read this article. You have been warned. Still here? Ok then, let us start first with….

 

The Good

 

The Cast On This Show Is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

As I said, the cast on this series is simply amazing. But none more so than Jessica Lange. Lange gives a performance for the ages here as the strict Sister Jude, caretaker of Briarcliff Asylum, a character we begin the series with despising, then feeling sympathy toward, then outright rooting for and finally, relieved when she finds a small measure of peace. And all of this character growth happens over the course of  just thirteen episodes. Even though Lange won the Emmy last year for her performance on the first season of American Horror Story, she really deserved it for this one. Some of the credit here has to go to the series’ writers (who are better at character development than plot development) but the lion’s share goes to Lange, as fearless an actress as we have currently still working. She hasn’t been given too many high profile movie roles of late, but the movie’s loss is television’s gain. Jessica Lange simply rocks here, and American Horror Story is an incredible showcase for her talents.

It's Jessica Lange's world, and we just live in it.
It’s Jessica Lange’s world, and we just live in it.

But it’s not just Lange, Sarah Paulson as would be journalist Lana Winters is incredible here as well. Her part is equally multi-layered, as we see her go from closeted lesbian of the early 1960’s to the classic “survivor girl” of horror film lore, to sell-out media whore, and finally, the hard hitting journalist she always wanted to be. It’s an amazing, perfectly executed character journey, the kind of well rounded female character that movies and television don’t provide nearly enough of. Having only barely been a part of the season one ensemble, I didn’t know what to expect from Paulson, but she more than acquitted herself here.

reg_1024.AHS.Paulson.mh.010213

And I would easily say the third most important player has to be relative newcomer Lily Rabe, who plays the innocent Sister Mary Eunice, but spends most of her time on the series possessed by Satan and giving a deliciously evil performance. Her storyline ultimately ends very anticlimactically, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that her performance is so much fun to watch. It has gotta be hard to be a young actress and hold your own in a performance with an acting legend like Jessica Lange, but Rabe does so here, and just about steals every scene she’s in.

Lily Rabe might not be a household word yet, but she deserves to be.
Lily Rabe might not be a household word yet, but she deserves to be.

Truth is, there really is no weak link among the actors here, everyone is great. Zachary Quinto, James Cromwell, Evan Peters, Chloe Sevigny, every single member of the cast is giving it their 100%, and everyone seems to be having a blast being their characters. Even the guest stars, like Ian McShane who plays a murderous Santa Claus, are giving it all they’ve got. The ensemble on this show sometimes is far better than the material they are given, but this is to their credit.

 

The Bad

 

All The Blatant Rip-Offs

 

As much as I love this show, the one thing that drives me nuts when talking to other fans is hearing so many of them say “oh, that American Horror Story is such an original show.” That’s the moment I know that the fan is not really a horror movie fan, because AHS gleefully rips off just about every horror film from the past four decades. This series is like a collage of stolen elements from classic horror films that the producers of the show just seem to like, and then pretty much just steal outright. A serial killer who uses the skin of his victims to make a gruesome mask? Sounds like Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw right? Well, here he’s called Bloodyface instead. (it’s such an obvious rip, that the rights holders to Texas Chainsaw could probably sue the producers and win if they so desired.) The alien abduction scene is straight out of 90’s abduction flick Fire in the Sky. Killer Santa Claus? Ever see Silent Night, Deadly Night? And the show is a continuous list of elements straight up stolen from classic horror movies.

 

And it’s not just visual elements, they like to use music from famous horror films too; the premiere episode extensively used the prom scene music from Brian de Palma’s Carrie, and Phillip Glass’ haunting score from Candyman is used as well. While one can argue that taking all these tropes from horror cinema and putting them into a serialized narrative is itself an original concept, I kind of wanted to see at least one element that wasn’t derived from something else. Having said all that, guessing which classic horror flick the show would rip off this week was kind of part of the fun, one example of how on this show, many of the negatives became positives, if only by accident.

Nope, it's not Leatherface, it's BLOODYface. Get it right.
Nope, it’s not Leatherface, it’s BLOODYface. Get it right.

Plotlines With No Real Resolutions

 

Certain plotlines that run throughout the whole season are never fully resolved, or just unceremoniously dropped. In the second episode of the season, Satan itself possesses the innocent Sister Mary Eunice, played by the brilliant Lily Rabe, who eventually deposes Sister Jude and takes over Briarcliff Asylum for her own nefarious purposes. We just never find out what those purposes are. She seems to have big plans set in motion, but her character is killed off before we can ever find out just what the Hell Satan would want with an insane asylum anyways. Then there is Dr. Arden, our ex-Nazi mad scientist who is doing experiments on the inmates to create a syphillitic zombie like race enabled to survive a nuclear war (yeah, it makes even less sense as I type it.) But that plot line is ultimately just kind of dropped too. And just why are all these disparate elements like aliens and the Devil and Nazis all drawn to this one Asylum in Massachusetts anyway? The writers seem to have zero interest in answering those questions. It’s like they like just got bored and were hoping the audience would forget.

The whole alien plotline is just one of several that just kind of fizzled out on American Horror Story this season.
The whole alien plotline is just one of several that just kind of fizzled out on American Horror Story this season.

The Good/Bad (I Can’t Really Decide)

 

All The Cheap Shock Value

Man, do producers Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk love their trashiness for trashiness’ sake. On this season, we had Zachary Quinto begging for breast feeding from a captive Sarah Paulson, (and later raping the frozen corpse of her ex lover Clea DuVall) Oscar nominee James Cromwell refer to a hooker’s vagina as her “mossy bank,” a Satan possessed nun raping a priest, an attempted coat hanger induced abortion, not to mention Dylan McDermott drinking the breast milk from a sex worker. While all of this cheap shock value kept the proceedings from ever being taken too seriously by the audience (and actually pretty damn funny in a campy John Waters kind of way) it also made this the kind of “water cooler” show you just had to talk about with your friends the next day. So while I say the shock value is a good/bad sort of thing…I’m actually leaning towards good here. If only for giving me the term “mossy bank” to us to use forever.

mossy-bank
In the end it may seem like I have more complaints about American Horror Story than praise, but the truth is that at the end of the day the cast of actors are so damn enjoyable to watch, and the show such addictive, good trash (in the very best sense of the word) that I can’t help but love it. All my complaints ultimately are just minor quibbles that don’t really get in the way of my enjoyment of the show in any substantial way, because the show is just that much damn fun to watch. All I know is that It’ll be a long wait until season three of this series, and I can’t wait to find out just who will come back and what the setting will be. But season two has certainly raised the bar pretty damn high in terms of craziness. And good luck topping “The Name Game” Ryan Murphy. I think that little musical number might remain the series’ highlight.

The new season crawls closer and closer, and I’m getting more and more excited.

There’s just seven more days until the premiere of FX’s scariest show, American Horror Story.  Most of the actors stay the same, but not much else does (even the show added a subtitle, Asylum): everyone is playing a different character, in a different place, in a different era and with a completely new plot.

This preview starts in modern times before heading back to the 60’s, the years in which the main story is set to take place.

I was a big fan of the first season, and again I can’t wait for this one. The show was not perfect, but the good far outweighed the bad, and American Horror Story made for an intensely creepy, yet eerily satisfying time.

Watch the preview below, and let us know what you think! Will you be checking in on October 17th?