In case you haven’t noticed, Geekscape’s got a brand new website. I mean, just smell the wet paint on this baby! I think that the one thing we Scapists can all agree on (besides the fact that Han shot first) is this new website is a vast improvement over the old one. This got me thinking…when it comes to the internet, visual change is usually a good thing. Heck, Facebook practically redesigns itself every five minutes. But, what about the sites that shouldn’t change? The ones that are comforting in their simplicity and familiarity—much like a puppy or that ex-girlfriend who still comes over to bang once a month. The following list is of the top five websites that should never be redesigned.


Google Search
Google is a company that keeps on releasing new products as often as Lindsay Lohan does coke (i.e. a lot). I mean, have you ever tried Google Wave? Or, Google Buzz? Me neither. But, the fact is that Google is a continuously evolving company that is always trying to reinvent the way in which we interact with each other on the web. One thing, however, that has thankfully resisted change is the ole’ fashioned google search. With just a basic search bar and those two convenient buttons (regular search and the other one that nobody uses) Google is the perfect search engine that has visually more or less stayed the same since its inception. Don’t ever change, Google. I like you this way. Kudos, on the nifty Super Bowl commercial as well.

Wikipedia
Hated by college professors everywhere and loved by lazy students, Wikpedia is the internet’s encyclopedia. And, while I hope it continues to provide up-to-date knowledge about a cornucopia of various topics from nuclear physics to anime porn, I also pray it retains its simple, no-nonsense visual style. Basic and easy to use, I love you Wikipedia—historical inaccuracies and all.

TimeandDate.com
Like the name suggests, timeanddate.com gives just that—the time and date. It doesn’t have flashy pictures or sexy web 3.0 aesthetics, but gosh-darn-it, that’s why I like it so much! When I wake up on the floor of my apartment in a drunken stupor (as I often do), sometimes I just want to know what’s the day and what time zone I’m in. And, if I’m feeling frisky, I can also check the status of the lunar cycle and the month of the Chinese Zodiac. Time and date gives me so much! Too bad it just can’t give me back my dignity.

*In a related story, I just found out that TimeandDate gave itself a visual “makeover.” Damn, you marketing fat cats!

Apple Trailers
While Apple can redesign its products and change Justin Long’s hipster wardrobe all it wants, I certainly hope it doesn’t change its awesome movie trailer site. Simple layout, impeccable design, and thankfully not a single flash-player to be found, Apple trailers gives me exactly what I want in a format that I like. I mean, how else am I going to see the Shutter Island trailer in crisp HD?
*turns on TV and watches Ben Kingsley move his hands aprart*
Okay, bad example. But, you get what I’m saying.

Craigslist
Whether I’m trying to sell my couch, find a roommate or have a sleazy one-night stand with a long-haired, short-skirted, and full-lipped dude, Craigslist has got my back. And, it does all this with basic blue text on a white background. Say what you want about the powers of flashy graphics, Craigslist is always easy to use and navigate, despite being completely void of visual pizazz. And, that’s why I like it. As a motion designer by trade, over-design is equally offensive to me as just plain bad design. So, next time you surf craigslist in search of  a seedy casual encounter, reflect on the its brilliantly designed simplicity. Just don’t blame me when you get an STD.

Before anybody makes a snarky comment, yes, I do realize that it’s almost February. But, I’m going to keep milking the New Year’s figurative teat for a little while longer. Last week, I so eloquently pointed out the top five reasons why 2010 probably will suck. Well, this time it’s all rainbows and sunshine because I’m thinking positive. Below, you’ll find the top five reasons why 2010 will…like…totally rule. Now, lets all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Chris Nolan’s Inception
There are few filmmakers with a track record like Chris Nolan. Whether it’s the terrific Memento, a revamped Batman franchise, dueling turn-of-the-century magicians, or miraculously creating a movie containing both Al Pacino and Robin Williams where they don’t overact (that’s Insomnia, for you noobs out there), the guys got skills. So, it’s hard to imagine that his upcoming film Inception (arriving in July) will be anything but fantastic. With a cast that’s full of great actors as well as people I’d like to bang (Hi, Ellen Page!), I can’t help but be pumped. I mean, who cares if the trailer doesn’t make a lick of sense?  You have my faith, Nolan. You have my faith…

Tablets. Tablets. Tablets.
Now that Apple has revealed the details regarding it’s brand spanking new tablet (the unfortuantely named “iPad”), expect a lot more technology companies to jump on he touching bandwagon (which is, coincidentally, the bandwagon I jump on when I fondle your sister). Why does this rule? Well, frankly, nothing would make me feel more futuristic then being able to carry around an interactive piece of technology that is around the size and shape of a stack of papers. It’s like far out, man! Plus, it’s gonn’a be a great way to look at porn on the subway…I mean…um…do “research” for my forthcoming screenplay on the subway.

M. Night Shyamalan is Going to Make a Movie that Won’t Suck
Remember when M. Night Shyamalan was a respected and visionary director? Me neither. But, I do remember a time when he actually made watchable movies. Say what you want, but the Sixth Sense kicked ass. And, Unbreakable and Signs both have their awesome moments. However, with 2008’s the Happening, Shyamalan created something so ridiculous that it made Mark Wahlberg appear even more retarded than normal. It’s a well-known fact that Hollywood loves a comeback story. So, my prediction for 2010 is that Shyamalan earns back some much coveted geek-cred with his adaptation of the wonderful Nickelodeon cartoon “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” Don’t let us down Shyamalan. Us geeks are counting on you.

Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables
Sly Stallone? Dolph Lundgren? Jason Statham? Jet Li? Bruce Willis? Danny Trejo? Mickey Rourke? All in one action movie?

I. JUST. CAME.

Streaming is the new DVD
While I personally find all this new-fangled 3-D technology more annoying than watching white people play Apples to Apples at dinner parties, there is one piece of new entertainment technology that the industry got right—streaming. Whether it’s through Netflix, your gaming system, your Apple TV, or watching movies instantly in HD from other sources, streaming is the new format. Screw the “disc” wars—go format-less and watch your media in crisp high definition whenever you want it. However,  in the future—for some inexplicable reason—girls still won’t be able to tell the difference between SD and HD. I swear, people, it’s a gender conspiracy…

Until next time…

So, it’s mid-January in this brand-spanking New Year and I can already tell things are going to suck. Call me a pessimist, but so far things ain’t looking too good for 2010. First, I find out that my beloved Conan O’Brien is being sacked from the Tonight Show to be replaced by a guy who should have retired years ago. Then, [serious] the country of Haiti is violently and gruesomely shocked to its core with a horrendous national disaster [/serious]. Oh yeah, and Massachussets elects their first Republican senator in over 30 years…What the F, 2010? I mean, we’ve only been going out a few weeks and you’re already turning into that clingy, bitchy girlfriend who forces me to buy tampons for her at the grocery store. But I digress…onward with the listing!

Your Dad is Going to Join Twitter
That is…if he hasn’t already. Nothing makes things any less cool than when your parents find out about them—hence why Facebook went from a cool inside-joke amongst college kids to it’s current cluster-f state of pointless status updates and interminable notifications about Mafia Wars.

As Twitter continues to rise into the stratosphere of the social networking realm, more and more people will continue to “tweet” and “retweet” or whatever the hell else the kids are doing nowadays. Regardless, pretty soon it’s just going to become yet another way for mega-corporations to sell you crap. This year, you can look forward to several business meetings with corporate big-wigs explaining things like “web 2.0” and how it’s necessary to tap into the “youth market.” Then, you can proceed to stab yourself in the face.

 To be fair, I understand Twitter’s appeal, but for some reason its success just happens to irk me (just like seeing people wear Crocs). The very concept of reducing funny, literate blog posts with misspelled blurbs consisting of 140 characters sort of makes me want to club a seal.

Douche is the New Cool
Continuing to steamroll off the success of MTV’s Jersey Shore (i.e. Francis Ford Coppola’s Jersey Shore), Douchebags everywhere are continuing to ride a cresting wave of popularity straight into 2010.  Although the “geek is the new cool” movement was making significant strides in 2009, Douchbaggery has officially trumped that pop-culture phase with a proliferation of Jägerbombs and hair gel.

In the New Year, look for several TV shows and movies to target this coveted “asshole” demographic. It’s yet another potent reminder of why 2012, is probably more likely to happen than we originally thought.

Kick Ass Will be a Financial Failure
Call me Nostradamus, but I’m going out on a limb here and saying that Matthew Vaughn’s Kick Ass (hitting theaters in April) will be a commercial failure. Granted, I could be very wrong. Heck, I HOPE I’m very wrong, but I got a sick little feeling that I’m not. Why does this suck so bad?  Well, to put it bluntly, Kick Ass is a film that is a total anomaly—it’s a comic book adaptation that was made in spite of the big studio system, not because of it. It appears that Vaughn took Mark Millar’s raunchy funny book and faithfully brought its tone and style to the big screen. Plus, it has Nick Cage wearing eyeliner and a ten-year-old girl who says c-nt a lot.

If this movie succeeds, it could open the door to a lot of other movies that once appeared too “risqué” or “oddball” to find an audience with us dumb Americans. Too bad, it’s gonna fail. Get ready for a lot more Wolverine: X-Men Origins before we get more fresh and smart capes and cowl material.
*puts on pessimist hat and hides in the corner*

300 Will Still Be Fun to Copy
For a movie that came out in 2006, it’s amazing how big movie studios in LaLa land continue to freeload off Zach Snyder’s “This is Sparta!” gravy train. With the upcoming Starz original series “Spartacus” and the Linkin-Park, Dorritos extreme infused Clash of the Titans (Grrr…football!), it seems that Hollywood’s fixation with sword and sandals epics isn’t dying anytime soon. Apparently, in ancient Rome people stood in front of a lot of green screens.

Essentially, I’m pointing out the all too obvious point that Hollywood isn’t original. Because let’s face it—originality doesn’t sell, baby! Scantily clad women, however, do.

3-D Ain’t Going Anywhere
*le sigh*
With the unparalleled (and slightly incomprehensible) success of Avatar, one thing is sure: 3-D is back and here to stay. What was once a technology viewed as an unnecessary gimmick has now grown to become…wait for it….a slightly updated unnecessary gimmick.

I don’t get 3-D—never have, never will. But, that’s not going to stop its proliferation into the entertainment market. Beyond slapping it on every major “event” movie in the next few years, we’re soon going start to see 3-D televisions at your local electronics store.  I mean, imagine watching sports in…3-D! I’m aroused just thinking about it!

Conveniently, of course, this will now allow entertainment companies to charge a few bucks more for all their products.  Also, in the future expect to see the repeated use of the phrase “game changer” along with an unnecessary amount of Papyrus typography.

Join me next time, kids, when I reveal why 2010 will be totally awesome. I’m fickle like that.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend I saw Wes Anderson’s Fantastic Mr. Fox, and it was—
for lack of a better word—fantastic. Now, don’t let that statement of praise fool you—I am no Wes Anderson fanboy. For me, his last few flicks (especially The Darjeeling Limited and the Life Aquatic) felt more like experiments in production design and indie-hipster quirk than full-fledged movies. It seems that sometime after Rushmore Anderson forgot to include actual stories in his movies, and oddly enough it took a journey into stop motion animation to bring his craft full circle. In my very humble opinion, here are some other directors who could you use this same sort of animated resurgence (pun very much intended, bitches).

*puts on scarf, hops on Vespa, drives off*


Michel Gondry
Let’s face it…the Science of Sleep wasn’t great. Neither was Be Kind Rewind. Every time I watch a Michel Gondry movie, I marvel at the way he uses common items and knick-knacks to create a very stylistic, and designed world. So, why not just go whole hog and make his next movie completely animated? Much Like Fantastic Mr. Fox, I think a stop-motion aesthetic would be a perfect match for Gondry’s sensibilities. He could use his ability to craft engaging props and elements and apply it to a whole world. Plus, his whimsical, dreamlike style of filmmaking is perfectly suited towards the realm of animation. It really is a match made in heaven (just like me and your sister).

Gore Verbinski
Ignoring the fact that both the Pirates sequels were so overwrought and stupid that they could even make Michael Bay blush, I think Gore Verbinksi is a solid director. I like both the Ring and the original Pirates film. And, the Mexican…well…um…I mean, c’mon, man we all have off days…

Now that he’s off the Bioshock film adaptation, I’d like to see Verbinski sink his teeth into animation. He’s obviously a capable storyteller, and criticize his decisions all you want, but you can’t help but admit that he does an excellent job at creating unique worlds for his characters to play in. Take that visual panache, sprinkle in a good script, place it a delicious animated world, and you’d have something that I’d be rushing into theaters to see. And, for some reason, suddenly I’m hungry for pie.

Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor

Otherwise known as the guys who wrote and directed Crank (and former Geekscape co-hosts), Neveldine and Taylor kicked some serious ass with the release of their frenzied, video-game mash-up of a movie in 2006. To put it bluntly, Crank was just so damn fun—self referential, smart, stylistic—it was the movie Shoot ‘em Up wanted to be. However, 2009 hasn’t been as kind to this directing duo. Crank 2 lacked the same innovative magic of the first, and this year’s Gamer felt like it needed more story to balance out it’s gimmicks. So, what should these young, talented guys do? Two simple words: go animated.

The way I look at it, Crank was pretty much a cartoon anyways. So, imagine letting these two guys play in a completely animated world where they are only limited by their creativity. My nipples are hard just thinking about it.

Baz Luhrmann
Last year’s Australia was a long-winded bust. So, what’s a well-respected, flashy musical director to do? I say turn to the world of animation. Amidst the CGI cluster-f-ck at the box office lately, we are in serious need of a traditional animated musical in the vein of the classic Disney titles from the past. Yeah, I know that Disney’s Princess and the Frog is just a week away from wide release, but just think how cool it would be to see a visual auteur such as Luhrmann take the helm of stunning, lushly animated musical—complete with dance numbers and crafty songwriting. Think Moulin Rouge—except you know—not as LSD induced. Heck, with the power of animation Luhrmann may even be able to make Nicole Kidman attractive again. On second thought, maybe not…I mean, he’s not a magician, people…

Terry Gilliam
It seems like God really hates Terry Gilliam. The acclaimed filmmaker behind Brazil and 12 Monkeys just can’t seem to catch a break. His Man of La Mancha film was killed in production (and inspired a documentary). And, his last few movies have been…how does one say this nicely…sucky. The Brothers Grimm? Eck! Tideland? Just plain creepy. I say it’s time for a fresh start.

With an imagination as brilliant as his, why should Gilliam be restrained by the pesky trivialities of reality? Forget the real world and let the man tackle animation…where not even chaotic weather or the death of a main actor can stand in the way of his vision. I’d love to see an animated world as seen through the lens of Terry Gilliam. Heck, it might be the closest I’d ever get to being high (stay off drugs, kids). Not to mention, it might actually be good for a change. Hmm, now there’s a thought…

For the past few weeks, I’ve been dishing out some severe hate with these top five lists. Well, this week in honor of Father’s Day, I thought I’d bring back a little love to this joint with some movies dealing with father and son bonding. Gather round folks…the following films are great ways to connect with dear ole’ Dad on a holiday created solely to sell greeting cards and subscriptions to ESPN: The Magazine.  So, next time you see Dad and have nothing to say, pop one of these babies into the DVD player and let the language of cinema do the talking for you—because, as we all know, only pussies and liberal arts majors talk about their feelings.

Frequency
Look, before I get tons of hootin’ and hollering complaining that I have no taste in movies, I realize that Frequency isn’t necessarily regarded as a great film. Critically, it’s more or less considered a mediocre one. Yet, for some reason it just touched me in an odd way—much like my creepy uncle at family reunions. Maybe it’s because of my man crush on Dennis Quaid or maybe it’s the thought of seeing Jim Caviezel in that carefree time before he became Jesus. Regardless, Frequency makes my list. It’s a touching story about fathers and sons, and the connections that exist between them. Oh, and did I mention that it has friggin’ time travel? You see, in the movie a young cop with a chip on his shoulder gets to reconnect with his long dead father in the past through an old CB radio. Is it art? Nah. But, it’s damn good entertainment for Father’s Day. Heck, after the credits you might have the sudden urge to hug your dad…and then…you know…get half way there and awkwardly segue the motion into a fist bump. Because that’s what real men do…

To Kill a Mockingbird
To class up this article a little bit, I thought it wise to include that perennial cinematic classic, To Kill A Mockingbird. Few on-screen Dads have had as much resonance with audiences than Atticus Finch, played by Gegory Peck. To Kill Mockingbird—as any 10th grade English teacher will tell you—is a deceptively simple story that deals with a plethora of topics including intolerance, racism, ignorance, fear, and compassion. But, beyond all those literary themes, at the heart of the film (and book) is the character of Atticus Finch—a father figure who serves as a beacon of good for his children in a community drowning itself in hate.  I wish I had a few fresh dick and fart jokes to spice up this section of the list, but I’m afraid disgracing To Kill A Mockingbird with such childish antics would just be offensive and altogether inappropriate. You see, folks, I’m a classy guy. *Farts* *Shines monocle*

Finding Nemo
What else can be said about those bastards at Pixar? John Lasseter and his crew of computer wizards continue to amaze year after year in what seems like an endless supply of transcendent stories and hallucinogenic colors. So, in 2003 when Pixar turned to a clown fish and his journey to find his lost son, adults, children, and stoners alike were treated to a cinematic world as beautiful as it was fully realized. At the heart of the movie’s plot? None other than a simple, yet powerful father and son relationship that deals with real human issues concerning loss, fear, and love…except you know…the main characters just happen to be fish. I know I could heap praise on this movie (and Pixar in general) until the end of time, so instead of boring you all, I’ll give some props to a different, but similarly praiseworthy object—my studly physique. It too has been known to incite feelings concerning loss, fear, and love in women all over the country. Call me ladies.

Field of Dreams
Field of Dreams is one of the few movies that is socially acceptable for a dude to cry at. It’s pretty much got every element necessary to induce tears: baseball, American nostalgia, fatherhood, and of course, Kevin Costner (though to be fair, Costner causes people to cry for different reasons). This whole GD movie is like a domino effect that eventually leads to uncontrollable tears—it’s like chopping a particularly strong onion, except that onion is uh…kinda ike your Dad or something.

By the time you get to the end and Costner’s Ray Kinsella asks his father for a game of catch and the music begins to soar, it’s hard not to get a little ferklempt. Heck, I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it. So, this Father’s Day watch this movie and have a good cry with your Pop. It will almost make you forget about the time he drank too much and forgot your tenth Birthday party…almost.

Big Fish
Few movies nail the connection between fatherhood and storytelling as well as Tim Burton’s Big Fish. In a glorious patchwork of fantasy and profound truths, this movie explores the relationship between father and son in a way that is as innovative as it is familiar. Billy Crudup (sans-blue penis) is great as a son trying to identify with a dying father that he thinks he hardly knows. And, Albert Finney as his Dad is as oddly frightening, yet endearing as ever—much like Willard Scott. This is not only my favorite father/son film, but also happen to be favorite Burton movie as well. In what seems like a rare occurrence nowadays, it feels like Burton is genuinely interested in making an actual film here, instead of trying to just sell t-shirts at Hot Topic. Everything—the music, script, directing, acting, cinematography—really comes together with this one, and that’s why it earns the top spot on this Father’s Day list.

There you have it, my peeps: the top five movies for Father’s Day. Now go out and give that old man of yours a hug on me. I promise it will only make you look slightly gay.

Director Roland Emmerich’s latest batch of disaster porn—2012—has just firebombed itself into theaters, and if John Cusack’s exaggerated reactions are any indication, the future of the world doesn’t look too bright. (Heck, spend fifteen minutes at your local Wal-Mart and I could have told you that). This week in order to properly honor the world of cinematic destruction, I thought it might be fun depressing to look at other ridiculous disaster movie moments. You know, those scenes that make you wish the world really was coming to an end.

The Happening – Lion Tamer
Back when the Sixth Sense came out in 1999, I was one of the legions of people who really looked forward to seeing what director M. Night Shyamalan was capable of. Nowadays, I’d rather jerk off with sandpaper than catch the new M. Night flick. Case in point: 2008’s The Happening. It’s a disaster movie about killer wind. With Mark Wahlberg. And, John Leguizamo. It’s like Shyamalan has created something so obscenely bad that he’s practically daring us to watch it. “Let’s go f-ckers. Come and see my latest abortion! I double dog dare ya!”

While several ridiculous moments from this movie come to mind, for me, the winner comes in the form of a lion cage and an iPhone. You see, Mark Wahlberg is stranded in a small town diner with a bunch of other worried morons when a lady invites them all to watch a video she received from her sister. The result is good times all around—we get to see a group of people huddled around a phone watching with disbelief as some dude willingly gets his arms mauled by lions. Although it may not seem possible, there’s just something about the way it’s edited that makes it friggin’ hilarious. To top it off, we get a stunningly bad piece of dialogue from the woman. “What kind of terrorists are these?” she says. Now, if I was in the movie, this is point where I would have stepped in and said, “They’re f-cking lions, lady!”

Armageddon – That’s your Daddy
I’ve never been a fan of Armageddon. Back in 1998 when Deep Impact and this flick were juking it out for asteroid destruction supremacy, I was too busy playing video games and eating Twinkies to really care. In retrospect, this is truly an awful movie. I have several moments that I abhor, but the one that makes me weep for the art of screenwriting occurs when the wife of one of the drillers turned astronauts notices that her deadbeat husband is in fact not such a screw-up, and is actually attempting to save the world. She then turns to their child (whom she previously denied her husband’s existence to) and states “That’s not a salesman, honey. That’s your Daddy.”

It’s not like Michael Bay has ever been one for subtlety, but at this moment he could have choke-raped his entire audience while in the theater and it still would have felt less over the top.  You ever seen a line in a movie so cheesy that it just makes you want to squirm in pain? Like, you actually feel bad for the actor saying it? This is one of those times. Cue the Aerosmith ballad. I’ll be in the corner. Crying.

Volcano – We’re all equal
If you thought Armageddon was a cheesefest, let me introduce you to a little movie called Volcano. Starring Tommy Lee Jones in perhaps his poorest career decision to date, Volcano not only sucks as a disaster movie, it also has the audacity to get all preachy about race relations. So, it’s like kind of like Crash…with lava.

At the end of the movie, after Anne Heche and Mr. Jones have managed to divert the flow of lava into the ocean, we watch a solemn scene in which people from all over Los Angeles—Blacks, Latinos, Asians—are covered in the gray ashe from the massive eruption. It’s at this time when a young boy turns to look at everybody and makes a stunning observation: “Everyone looks the same.” *shudders*

Why does racial harmony continue to elude us? Because of movies like Volcano, that’s why.

The Core – The entire movie
I tried to single out one particularly ridiculous moment from 2003’s the Core, but I just couldn’t do it. I mean, in a movie where the plot centers around a phallic space ship that must drill a vagina-esque hole into the earth in order to keep it spinning on its axis, where do you even begin to start picking favorites? The entire film seems like a spoof, when it’s in fact, completely serious. Coincidentally, women often say the same thing about my sexual technique. *rawr*

Independence Day – The Fireball Dog
Don’t get me wrong…I love me some Independence Day. If I had my way, Roland Emmerich would have stopped making movies long ago because it’s doubtful that he can ever top this classic. How can you beat the combination of Bill Pullman, Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, and Randy Quaid? With Aliens? Welcome to Eurff indeed.

That being said, how we can we forget the moment when Vivica A Fox’s dog manages to jump from an alien fireball of doom to safety. You know what I’m talking about…we watch in glorious slow motion as the aforementioned pooch narrowly escapes incineration and lands safety into his owners outstretched hands. I mean, it’s almost as ridiculous as taking down an entire fleet of alien spaceships with a computer virus.  Bravo, Mr. Emmerich. Bravo.

Well, that’s it for me this time, folks. If you need even more of a disaster porn fix, may I suggest you check out this little vid. We all know that bombastic destruction and John Cusack “Yikes” faces are far more compelling with a little Yakety-Sax.

(Thanks to Filmdrunk.com for the tip)

Ivan, out.

Back in the good ole’ days of my youth, Halloween was a delightful time of year full of unlimited magic and week-long sugar highs. But, now that I’ve become a crotechy adult, bogged down by a daily nine to five and grueling interactions with the “man,” it’s become just another day of the year that gives me an excuse to be surly and attempt to steal candy from five year-olds. Being the grump that I am, here are the top five most annoying costumes to wear this All Hallows’ Eve.  By all means, dress up–just don’t show up wearing this crap. Because I will make fun of you…

The Clark Kent
At every Halloween party you’re bound to find that one guy who was just a little too lazy to come up with a real costume, so at the last minute he grabbed his business suit, threw on some fake glasses, and stuck a superman t-shirt underneath (sometimes they don’t even go that far). Dressing as Clark Kent is the modern equivalent of taking a sheet, cutting two holes in it, and going as a ghost—it only proves that you have no imagination and officially suck at life. Not to mention, if you stand next to him at a party you’re forced to overhear a never-ending barrage of Superman related puns and bad pick up lines. (i.e. “My X-Ray vision likes what it sees.”)  The only way to win in this situation is to go up to good ole’ Clark and tell him that your fists are an accessory to his costume—they’re made of kryptonite, you see.

The Slutty Girl
It’s a well know fact that Halloween has strictly become an excuse for girls across the world to dress like complete and utter sluts. But, let me tell you this makes for some bad Halloween costumes. Now, before all the guys in the audience cry fowl and punch me in the shoulder for acting queer, let me tell ya, there’s nothing more depressing than watching a bunch of skanky chicks attempting to act hot while dressed up as a slutty nurse and/or slutty witch. Sure, they may be half naked…but the whole thing just feels seedy. It’s the holiday equivalent of visiting a strip club off the Jersey Turnpike. To make matters worse, often times the girls wearing the slutty costumes don’t really have the figure to pull it off.  Poorly constructed polyester bustiers do little to contain the fatty bulges of the more corpulent set.  In the end, it just comes off as sad. I mean, maybe instead of dressing like tramps they should go out and do something that they’re good at—like eating their feelings.

The Cutesy Couple
This couple is so deeply in love that they feel the need to remind you of it every second of every day. That’s why their costume is intrinsically tied to one another—so much so that it loses all relevance if they separate at any point throughout the night. The plug and socket. The screw and bolt. The ball and chain. It’s not necessarily that the concept of  a “couple’s costume” upsets me on a basic level, it’s just the insufferable people who tend to wear them make me want to stab things. Watching them play cutesy with each other all night is almost as unbearable as listening to your whipped college roommate give his nightly call to his long distance girlfriend. “No, you hang up first…”

The Pop-Culture Cliché
Every year a certain element of pop-culture invades our world, and inevitably this person/place/thing becomes a ubiquitous presence at Halloween parties everywhere. Last year it was Sarah Palin and the Joker. This year it’s Michael Jackson and Jon and Kate Plus Eight. The thing that bugs me the most about the Pop-culture cliché is that the person going as it is completely clueless to its over saturation. The costume is more played out than “the Rick Roll,” and still he/she thinks that they are wearing the most original ensemble in the universe. It’s as if they just stumbled out of a cave after years of isolation only to discover an element of pop culture that everyone else already knew about for months—like your clueless Dad who just found out about facebook. “I hear it’s all the rage with the kids these days …”

The “I Don’t Have A Costume” Guy
Much like a Halloween version of Ebenezer Scrooge, this guy hates the magic of the holiday and all the joy it brings to kiddies and adults across the land. He spits on our joy, steps on pumpkins, and probably enjoys kicking puppies. Why is he wearing a fitted t-shirt and jeans to this year’s Halloween party? Because he’s uncreative and has no problem letting everyone in the world know that he’s not remotely interested in having a costume. “I’m going as myself,” he’ll say. “I don’t dress up, that’s for kids,” Well, if wearing a poorly conceived Nicholas Cage Wicker Man costume while screaming “No! Not the Bees!” all night is wrong…well, frankly I don’t want to be right. Halloween comes once a year. Stop being such a party pooper.

Honorable mentions go to: Pimp/Hooker, the Scream Killer, and your mom.

As any weirdo wearing a custom made romper suit for Halloween this year will tell ya, Where the Wild Things Are is causing quite a stir in the cinema right now. Heck, children’s books in general are a pretty hot Hollywood commodity as of late. With the success of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and other nostalgic literary fare, LaLa Land seems intent on servicing young boys and girls all across America. This recent trend got me thinking…what other kids’ books would make decent film adaptations? Well, after peering deep into my childhood and looking fondly upon the many hours I spent playing Nintendo and shooting my NERF bow and arrow (instead of actually reading), I’ve come up with my top five choices. Studio executives, start taking notes.

The Lorax by Dr. Suess
Word on the street is that this book is already in development by the folks over at Universal, and that makes sense. Dr. Suess books are usually a pretty safe bet on the box office. Now that How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Horton Hears a Who, and The Cat in the Hat (*shudders*) are behind us, The Lorax seems like a reasonable next step. I mean, who as a kid wasn’t touched by Suess’s fable concerning environmental waste and destruction? Plus, the colorful atmosphere book lends itself perfectly to CG animation…as well as lengthy acid trips. I mean, I just want to drink the colors, man…

Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli
This pick is more of a personal one. Back in the third grade I was “forced” to read Maniac Magee for a book report. It was then at the tender age of eight that it became one of my favorite books ever—I’ve wanted to make it into a movie ever since. It’s a story about facing racism, discovering acceptance, and finding where you truly belong…you know, all that warm mushy stuff that appears on the Hallmark channel. But, it’s tackled in such an un-cheesy and whimsical way, you can’t help but admire Spinelli’s craft as a storyteller. Around 10 years back, Nickelodeon attempted to turn the novel into a made for TV movie. The result was both insulting and confounding—much like a Michael Bay movie (Hi-oh!) I think that finally enough time has passed since that debacle to approach Maniac Magee once again from a fresh perspective. All Hollywood needs is a young and handsome director to take the reigns—preferable someone from Washington, DC whose name just happens to be Ivan. *Twiddles thumbs and waits for the calls to come pouring in*

The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka and Lane Smith
Jon Scieszka and Lane Smith sort of made a name for themselves back in the nineties for taking fairy tales and giving them a humorous spin. I remember in the 2nd grade, The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales was pretty much the coolest thing ever (even cooler than Trapper Keepers and snap bracelets). The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs is another such gem from this literary duo. It takes the classic Pigs tale and tells it from the wolf’s perspective—making him a sympathetic protagonist. Combine that clever premise with a artistic visual flair that’s comparable to Wes Anderson’s upcoming, Fantastic Mr. Fox and you have something that would make a cool and quirky movie.. It would be a film meant to target the  young hipster demographic. You know, the ones who still ride their fixed speed bikes with training wheels…

The Wreck of the Zephyr by Chris Van Allsburg
If the successes of movies like the Polar Express, Jumanji, and Zathura are any indication, the picture books of Chris Van Allsburg are the equivalent of dollar signs to Hollywood. I say, why fight a winning trend? That’s why Allsburg’s 1983 book—the Wreck of the Zephyr—would make a neat flick. It’s about on old sailor who tells a young boy of a time when Zephyr ships could actually fly. From a cinematic perspective, that’s a damn compelling series of images. Pair this with Allsburg’s oddly eerie tone and distinctive artistic style and you’ve got yourself a film that could easily appeal to more than just kids. Soon, Zephyr merchandise could replace Nightmare before Christmas swag at Hot Topics across the country. Emo heads would roll.
 

Encyclopedia Brown by Donald J. Sobol
As a kid, I was never a fan of the Hardy Boys or that skank they would occasionally have sex with (Nancy Drew). Personally, I was an Encyclopedia Brown man. Penned by the venerable Donald J. Sobol (who is amazingly still alive), the Encyclopedia Brown series was clever without being too complex, and educational without being boring. It’s the kind of thing that made learning fun—like Schoolhouse rock or Epcot Center back in 1985. I think a Hollywood take on the Encyclopedia Brown series could hit the same childlike, yet intelligent approach. That’s why it snags the number one slot on this list. The only question is: what actor would play Encyclopedia Brown? My vote goes for Jesse Eisenberg or whoever else is pretending to be Michael Cera these days.

Until next time, ladies and germs…take a look, it’s in a book…READING RAINBOW!*

*prior to cancellation

This weekend, I decided get out of the house, put on some pants, and check out what was playing at the local cinema. And, guess what? I went home without seeing a damn thing. There I was—staring at the glowing marquee for a full ten minutes—struggling to find a reason to see Pandorum or Surrogates or Sorority Row or Fame…and I just couldn’t muster the strength to fork over a crisp Hamilton for a ticket. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m saying it outright: movies officially suck. Hard.

As I went home disappointed, preparing to cry myself to sleep, I began to ponder this very simple question. Why exactly do movies nowadays suck? Granted, this is a garbage time of year for movies anyway, but I still think it’s a query worth examining. So, after doing a lot of painstaking research (i.e. opening up word and starting to type things), I’ve compiled a list.  Here it is, folks—the thing those fat cats in Hollywood don’t want you to see: the Top Five Reasons Movies Suck.

Movies Are Too Long (A.K.A. Holy, hell, Transformers was almost three hours?)
Unlike male genitalia, when it comes to movies, length is not always a good thing. There’s an unfortunate trend with Hollywood blockbusters these days–it seems that every big budget extravaganza worth its salt thinks it needs to be incredibly long in order to satisfy movie audiences. Was there a reason all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies needed to roughly be the length of a Jerry Lewis telethon? Why did Transformers 2 need to clock in at 150 minutes?

If you’re struggling to find an answer to these questions, let me tell ya, there isn’t one. Masking a weak story with overlong action sequences and special effects is like placing a flower on a pile of dog crap. At the end of the day, it still looks and smells like sh-t. Movies need to be less concerned about keeping theatergoers in seats and more concerned with a smart story that’s tightly written. Some large exceptions not withstanding, most movie stories can be told in two hours. Period. Not to mention, shorter movies will allow theaters to have more showings witch will increase ticket sales. It’s win, win people…

Audiences Are Too Jaded
To put it simply, we’re damn hard to impress. Think about it–fifteen years ago, we were amazed when Spielberg was able to make dinosaurs come to life. Nowadays, transforming alien cyborgs could be attacking fighter-jets while underwater, and we’d hardly bat an eye. CGI has made anything possible, and in turn, we as audiences have indeed come to expect anything.  The internet hasn’t helped things either…spoilers are rampant, trailers give way too much away. Heck, we read leaked scripts and devour hacked on set pictures like hungry meth addicts.  I mean, when you think about it, how can movies not suck? After we’ve taking the enjoyment out of them—tarnished the mystery and magic with constant saturation, twitter updates, and media campaigns, there is no way they can satisfy us viscerally.

This point ties in perfectly with the movies are too long bullet point (I am the master of the segue). As movie prices and our expectations rise, movie makers are under constant pressure to “deliver.” When story and concept fall short, they attempt to pad the movie to make us feel like we’ve got our money’s worth. And, that’s how when you suddenly  find yourself watching three hours of Megan Fox and Shia Lebeouf running in slow motion.

Hollywood Has No Idea What We Like
Movie studios spend millions annually on focus groups and polling. They pay highly-educated statistic gurus to track demographic and pop-culture trends. And, they still have no idea what we like. Though few would probably admit it, movie success is largely a guessing game. Studio executives blindly stumble around for profitable movie projects like Helen Keller at a dinner party. Even if a movie is well-made, it can still fail at the box office due to bad advertising, lack of buzz, or bad weekend timing. In turn, Hollywood suits are constantly seeking out “sure bets”—properties that are guaranteed to make money. Problem is, however, often familiarity is confused with profitability. Studios are in love with familiarity—as films like G.I. Joe contest, they’ve raped our childhood nostalgia handily over the last decade. And, the well is starting to run dry.

You know the situation is dire when films based on Monopoly or Bazooka Joe are actually starting to sound like good ideas (trust me, fellas’, they’re not).  Hollywood’s fear of failing compels them to return to familiar franchises, remakes, and recognizable characters in order to make an easy buck. All of this can be summed up quite simply with my earlier statement: Hollywood has no idea what we like. This, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is a large reason why movies suck.

Good Movies Are Made to Win Best Picture, Not to Entertain
I hate the Oscars. I do. I hate the singing. I hate the dancing. I hate the inane sketches and interminable acceptance speeches. It’s because of this annual awards ceremony/circle jerk that movie distributors fund flicks that have a better chance of winning a golden statue than less Oscar-friendly fare. Now, that’s all well and good for the latest star-packed vehicle involving the holocaust and/or a retarded person, but it severely limits the chances of a whole subset of movies to get adequate support and promotion. Comedies, thrillers, and family films usually get chucked to the wind.

I’m not saying that it’s impossible for movies of these genres to break through La La Land’s award centric system, but it does make things harder. And, if you believe the newly coined “10 best picture nominees system” will help matters in this department, think again, slugger. Just get ready for five more “independent” films featuring hot actresses putting on their “ugly” makeup (bonus points if it involves genocide).

There is No Incentive to Make Movies Good
It’s no secret that Hollywood is a business. And, as good ole’ Lt. Aldo Raine would say, “Business, it’s a boomin’.” People love going to the movies. They always will (remember when everyone said VHS would kill the theater. Well, newsflash, Circuit City salesmen circa 1992…it didn’t). In may be hard for movie snobs such as myself to admit, but a film doesn’t have to be good in order to be profitable. The success of Norbit alone proves this—as well as being a definitive sign of the apocalypse. A wise man once told me (i.e. some Dude at the 7-11), as long as things continue to make money, they’ll continue to be produced.

Pretentious hipsters in coffee houses across the country constantly bemoan uneducated Americans as the reason bad movies perform strong at the box office. But, at some level, you have to blame the movie studios themselves. They’ve conditioned us to like bad movies, making it harder and harder to see good flicks while giving bad movies large releases. To use a crude metaphor, if you give a guy a choice between Filet Mignon or easy cheese, he’ll probably choose the Filet. But, if you keep on feeding him easy cheese, he’ll eventually just get used to the easy cheese. I don’t know where I was going with this…but I think I just gave myself a craving for Filet Mignon covered in easy cheese. To put it simply, if we keep paying to see crap, Hollywood will keep giving us crap. Simple.

Okay, that’s enough soap boxing from me this week. Tune in next time when I tone down the big words and actually wrestle a tiger with my bare hands. It’s guaranteed to be an exotic and thrill-packed adventure filled with danger and sexy imagery. Rawr!

Ivan, out.

As 2009 continues to roll along, it seems that death himself has a serious affinity for celebrities as of late. Well, the latest victim in this real life version of final destination is none other than the unparalleled Patrick Swayze. So, here I am sitting in front of my computer, not wearing any pants, and typing up yet another famous-person memorial article (I’m sure you’re sick of them by now too).  In an attempt not to get to mushy on ya, I thought it might be a good idea to celebrate Mr. Swayze by highlighting his top five best movie roles. After all, has there ever been a man who has appeared in so many bad movies that we also still love? Didn’t think so. Plus, now that Swayze has passed on, who else am I gonna get confused with Kurt Russell? Things just won’t be the same, folks, things just won’t ever be the same…

Jim Cunningham from Donnie Darko
Seriously, has any one ever played so convincing a pedophile? In Donnie Darko—Richard Kelly’s 2001 mindbender/emo-fantasy—Swayze plays a self help guru who also just happens to have a penchant for kiddy porn. It’s a small part to be sure, but Swayze nails it (and that’s one of the few times I can make that statement without a hint of irony). In all of Darko’s existential weirdness, it’s the dramatic and dark influence of characters like Jim Cunningham that give the movie dramatic substance. If you ever needed proof that the Swayze is a serious actor, this is it.

Sam Wheat from Ghost
Ahh…Ghost, the movie that made women inexplicably think that pottery is sexy (believe me, ladies…it’s not). Capitalizing on Demi Moore’s early nineties uber-hotness, Ghost solidified Swayze’s presence as the dreamy leading man, and in turn, became a staple for women to watch alone on Saturday nights while wearing sweatpants and eating chocolate. Like Swayze himself, this movie has recently become a punchline, but let’s not forget the impact the word “ditto” had on us back in 1990. Now, everyone hold hands and have a good cry.

Bodhi from Point Break
Perhaps the best bad movie ever, Point Break is a film that plays out like an elongated SNL sketch. After all, it’s a movie about surfers, starring Gary Busey and Keanu Reeves (if that synopsis doesn’t interest you, you’re dead to me). But, beyond Keanu’s blank stare and Busey’s two-sub-ordering goofiness, there’s Swayze’s Bodhi—a character so awesome that he doesn’t even get a last name. So, next time you’re about to jump out of a plane or rob a bank while wearing a Richard Nixon mask, think of Swayze and smile. Vayas Con Dios, broheim…

Dalton from Road House
You’ve got to love a movie as perfectly simple as Road House. It’s about kicking ass. That’s it. Fade out and roll credits (I wish all movie pitches were that easy). Playing Dalton—the “cooler” bouncer brought in to tame a rowdy bar—Swayze kicks and punches his way into greatness (and Kelly Lynch’s pants). Few movies have inspired as many heterosexual ass pats amongst frat brothers as this one. Open up a Maddy Ice with your bros before the next Kappa Sigma mixer. It’s time to pay respect to one of the all time greats. Swayze, I’m sure, would appreciate it.

Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing
With a name like Johnny Castle, you just know you’re about to be introduced to a tough guy from the wrong side of the tracks (who also simultaneously has a heart of gold). Dirty Dancing is the seminal 80s classic—and although it may in actuality suck—that doesn’t change its pop culture influence.  And, Swayze (along with Jennifer “I-was-in-two-notable-movies” Grey) completely own this movie. Throughout all the ridiculous dance numbers, over-acting, and odd sub plot about abortion, Dirty Dancing taught us one very important life lesson—nobody puts Baby in the corner.

RIP Mr. Swayze.

The summer movie season is officially behind us. Michael Bay blew stuff up. G.I. Joe was actually worse than anyone could have even imagined. And, a Pixar cartoon about an old balloon salesman proved to be the most engaging thing I saw in a cushy theater seat throughout the coveted May-August stretch.  Well, as the weather changes, so does the course of the cinema. The excitement of big-budget blockbusters waning, Hollywood turns its attention to smaller, arty pictures filled with serious actors playing the mentally handicapped and hot actresses dressing up like ugly people. In other words, this be Oscar season. Here it is folks: the definitive list of movies to anticipate for the rest of 2009. Because, as I told my last girlfriend, my opinion is the only one that counts…

The Road
Nothing says “goodbye summer” more than a cold and dark post-apocalyptic wasteland. Enter from stage right The Road—John Hilcoat’s adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s 2006 book about a nameless father and sun struggling to survive in a world turned to ruin. Think I Am Legend, but take out the vampires and replace the dog with a boy and…on second thought…it’s nothing like I Am Legend.

McCarthy’s book—both sparse and incredibly atmospheric—is something that should lend itself well to the big screen. Plus, Hilcoat’s last notable film, The Proposition, was a gritty and barren Australian western that almost seems like a practice run for this little number. It doesn’t hurt either that the last McCarthy film adaptation, No Country for Old Men, won best picture. Throw in Viggo “you’ve seen my Penis” Mortensen as the father and it seems like we’ve got a solid, albeit depressing examination of humanity in a cold and foreboding future—much like the feeling I get when I go to the Olive Garden. Eat your breadsticks cretins!

A Serious Man
Speaking of No Country for Old Men, it seems that the Coen Brothers are back in “serious movie” mode with their newest film, A Serious Man. Opening in limited release on October 2nd with a cast void of any big name stars, the movie centers around a college professor in 1967 who slowly watches as his life begins to unravel around him.The plot may seem banal, but the theatrical trailer is anything but. I hate to delve into to hyperbole, but quite frankly, the trailer is the tits. Hypnotic, haunting, and funny, it uses a rhythmic staccato of repetitious sound effects to both entrance and amaze. If the movie is only half as good as the trailer, we’re in for a real treat—a Coen Brothers film that is more Barton Fink than The Ladykillers (that’s good thing, folks).

Up in the Air
Director Jason Reitman is someone I’m quickly becoming a huge fan of (and I’m not just saying that because he has an awesome first name). His directorial debut, Thank You For Smoking, is one of the rare occasions where the movie was actually better than the book (eat it, reading snobs) and although Juno has been unfortunately characterized as indie, hipster gobbly-gook, at its heart it’s a well-written and well-directed film. With Up in the Air, Reitman ditches Diablo Cody’s writing talents, instead directing from a script he adapted from the Walter Kirn novel of the same name. The story centers on a business traveler (played by George Clooney) who is on a quest to reach 10 million frequent flyer miles—which when you think about it—makes sense because George Clooney has already joined 10 million mile high clubs. *cue rimshot*

Up in the Air looks smart and funny—sweet but not saccharine. Clooney appears to be perfectly cast as the isolated business traveler, and Vera Farmiga fits in nicely as the travel-loving female he falls for. Not to mention, it’s nice to see her in a movie where she’s not losing her kid for once.  It hits theaters December 4th. Book me a seat in coach—the one next to the guy with bad breath and in front of the screaming kid who smells like poop. God I love flying…

Where the Wild Things Are
If you’re a white person in his/her 20s, this is already your favorite movie ever (sorry, Garden State. There’s a new sheriff in town.) You’ve gushed about the trailer on facebook. You’ve tweeted it to all your co-workers. You’ve already downloaded the Arcade Fire song from the soundtrack. You’re so excited that you’re practically bursting out of your vintage skinny jeans.

But, the question is, can Spike Jonze’s much anticipated adaptation of the infinitely popular classic children’s book actually deliver? Joking aside, I honestly hope so. Keep in mind, folks…the original book was 12 pages long…most of which was pictures. So, it’s not like there is a lot of “story” to draw from. I guess we will just have to wait and see…  *Rides to local coffee house on his fixed speed bike and prays*

Avatar
Yeah, we’ve seen the trailer. We’ve heard the hype (best visual effects ever!) We’ve heard the backlash (Ferngully? In 3-D? F-you Cameron!) Now, it’s time to see if Mr. James “King of the World” Cameron can deliver big…and, I do mean BIG. At this point, it’s hard not to feel the pressure. A lot is riding on this thing. It’s been 11 years since Titanic and movie goers are waiting with baited breath to either trash it to threads or declare it the second coming. A project of this scale has no middle ground–it’s a hyperbole saturated epic…with dragons.

Regardless of what camp you fall into to, at the end of the day, I know where you’ll be December 18th—the theater. I’ll see you there.  Dim the lights and start the show, Mr. Cameron. Because now, it really is judgment day.

Honorable nods go out to Sherlock Holmes, The Invention of Lying, Youth in Revolt, The Box, Gentlemen Broncos, An Education, and of course, your Mom.

As the summer movie season crosses the finish line with a slow, asthmatic crawl (hello, The Final Destination), I thought it might be fun to turn our listing attention away from the movies to the moviegoers themselves. That’s right, folks, this week I’m focusing on the people who bothered you in theaters all throughout this long, hot summer—those who tainted the popcorn scented air-conditioned sanctuary of the movie theater with their annoying behavior and idiosyncracies. They also enjoy kicking puppies (allegedly). So, without further adieu, I present the top five most hated people you’ll find at the movies. Gather round the campfire ladies and gents. Let’s explore our common disdain together.

The Guy Who Yells Stuff at the Screen
Much like Anne Heche, this particular individual has no conception of present time and space. As soon as the lights dim, so does this guy’s inhibitions. He gains the confidence to yell and scream crap that even 13-year-olds on XBox Live would find off color and annoying. The “at-screen” yelling comes in a variety of flavors. First, there’s the “cool” guy who thinks he’s funny (i.e. yelling lame jokes during serious moments). Worse, however, is the narration guy—also known as “Don’t go in there!” man. This fella—for some inexplicable reason—thinks that movies are the visual equivalent of Choose Your Own Adventure Stories. He’s of the mindset that if he yells things loud enough he can somehow change the outcome of the story. Well, let me tell ya, buddy, it doesn’t work. I mean, if you could change the movie by just yelling stuff at the screen, G.I. Joe might have actually been watchable.

*Side note: Yelling things at the screen is perfectly acceptable for any movie that is so bad that it’s borderline offensive (or anything else directed by Brett Ratner).

The Texting Girl
Granted, this one could be labeled the “texting guy,” but more often than not the perpetrator is a fifteen-year-old girl—the kind who loves Twilight and probably has a shrine to Robert Pattinson in her bathroom. Only God knows why she comes to the movies because it certainly isn’t for cinematic entertainment. She’s only interested in two things: 1.) Not watching the movie. 2.) And, letting everyone of her facebook friends know, individually, that she’s currently at the movies. If you sit behind this girl, you may have no idea what’s currently happening during District 9, but you will know that she’s planning on joining her friends at Jamba Juice afterwards.

The Dude Who Laughs When He’s Scared
Also known as a douche. Wears sun visors inside and pretends to own a BMW. This is a man’s man. Nothing phases him. He is tougher than John McLaine and John Cena’s lovechild. That’s why when things get a bit frightening on screen, he laughs. It’s his little way of saying “Fuck you, Hollywood! I can see you’re trying to scare me, but I’m just too cool and tough. Now, who wants to go out for Jägerbombs later?”

This guy thinks that acting manly will impress the “date” he’s brought with him. In reality, however, his faux machismo does little to mask how small his penis is. Lay off the ‘roids, broheim.

The Fanboy
Often smelling of hot pockets and loneliness, this guy knows everything about the movie before he’s even seen it. And, of course, it fails to meet his lofty expectations. He’s read ever article on Ain’t It Cool News. He downloaded the leaked script six months ago from the Pirate Bay. At this point, the film is incapable of impressing him. So, he sits seething in his seat, crunching Milk Duds and gurgling Mountain Dew, just itching for the moment when he can wedge himself free from the confines of his chair and trash the movie on his blog. The fanboy is fond of scoffing incredulously when scenes are unable to please him. Often he turns to his friends (if he has any) to complain about the lack of detail in the CGI. He will, however, shut up during the close-ups of Megan Fox’s boobs. I mean, you just can’t find fault with that type of layered and profound cinematic complexity.

Old People
It’s common knowledge that old people hate everything. So, it might come as some surprise that they would even go to the movies. But, like an immutable law of physics, they’re guaranteed to always be present at the movie you’re going to see. Perhaps they were expecting some old-timey vaudevillian source of entertainment complete with men in top hats and people in black face, because based on their disdain for what they are watching they definitely weren’t expecting a modern movie. To make matters worse, old people have no conception of movie ratings or content. They’ll show up to a Tarantino movie thinking it’s a Disney flick, horrified when they discover the film’s depiction of violence and/or sex. If you’re sitting next to old people, prepare to move your legs several times to allow them room to move past you during their requisite four trips to the bathroom, and ultimately, their inevitable walkout as they complain about “kids” today and remark that things were much different back in the Great Depression. Oh, and that crinkling sound you hear behind you? That’s Grandpa opening up a hard candy…

Until next time, folks. Hate on…

The grammatically challenged Inglourious Basterds has just nazi-scalped its way into theaters, and word on the street is that it’s a bloody, brutal, and visceral epic from famed director/coke addict Quentin Tarantino. Now, that’s all well and good, but according to IMDb this sucker clocks in at a whopping 153 minutes (that’s over 2 hours for you mathematically disinclined people [i.e. gym teachers] out there.)

As I was sitting at my computer today I began to ponder the perplexing issue of movie length. “What other good movies seem to go on for a bit to long?” I asked myself.  “More importantly, why am I not wearing any pants?” Well, the answer to that first question is compiled in the nifty top five list below. The answer to the second is: “because I enjoy the breeze.”

Funny People
This movie just came out, so it may seem odd that it already has managed to inch its way on to one of these pointless coveted lists. Well, having just seen it, it happens to be really fresh in my mind. If there ever was a case of something that needed a damn good trimming (besides your mom’s pubes) it would be this film. I wanted to like it…I really did, but the movie’s last hour/fourth act/story deviation is just damn brutal. I honestly think an even better movie could have been salvaged with the exact same footage and script, just with a more streamlined approach (either introduce Leslie Mann’s husband and kids sooner, or chop them off completely). At the end of the day, there’s enough of Apatow’s trademark dick joke /heart tradeoff to make this film worthwhile. Close to perfection, I tell ya. Just needed  a talented editor.

*Call me Hollywood. I’m available.

Jackie Brown
Oh, look! A Tarantino movie that’s too long? Who would of thunk it? Now folks, I understand that Jackie Brown certainly has its detractors. When it came out in 1997, I remember people were pissed because it wasn’t as good as Pulp Fiction. Well, to be fair, what is? As a whole, however, it’s still a solid piece of filmmaking and certainly something I would quantify as a “good” movie—it just happens to be too long. If Tarantino has an Achilles Heel, it is certainly his obsession with dialogue. Sometimes his long-winded witty character conversations come out as cinematic gold. Other times they feel like the meandering and unbearable drunken interactions often found at office Christmas parties or women’s book clubs. Pick up the pace Tarantino…I’ve got important things to do (i.e. masturbate).

Heat
We all know that director Michael Mann is incapable of making a film under 3 hours. It’s actually in his contract right next to a legal obligation to shoot everything in handheld, grainy HD just to piss off film students and people who drink Frappuccinos. Well, Heat is no different. This 1995 “classic” is certainly a good flick. But, at a grand total of 171 minutes, it needs to be about an hour shorter. Heat is the type of movie where you can watch an action sequence, go to the kitchen, fix yourself a sandwich, and then come back without missing a beat. In such a tense crime movie, WAY too much time is devoted to Al Pacino’s and Robert DeNiro’s personal relationships. Hey Mann: how about less yelling at women and more gunfights please? K. Thx. Bye.

 

Lord of the Rings: Return of King
Okay, I realize I’m about to lose a ton of geek cred with this one. *takes deep breath* Here. We. Go…

While the Lord of the Rings trilogy is rightfully lauded as a glorious cinematic achievement that is impressive both on a visual and narrative level, it certainly isn’t known for its brevity. You better avoid any form of liquid sustenance before sitting down to watch one of these suckers because each movie will make your bladder scream in pain. For me, the biggest offender of the trio is the Return of the King. Not only is the movie long, it has the audacity to pretend to finish on multiple occasions (just like my girlfriend). Near the end of the movie, Jackson fades in and out of a black haze more often than the chloroformed hookers in the back of my van. End the movie already, Jackson. I’ve gotta pee…

2001: A Space Odyssey
Yeah, I know it’s a classic. But, don’t try and pretend that you actually sat through that entire ending segment where for a seeming endless string of minutes we’re treated to a hallucinogenic spiral of colors and sound. Yeah, I know that everyone in the 60’s was high and listened to Pink Floyd, but when viewed from a modern vantage point, the ending “color swirl” just does not hold up.  In retrospect, it probably seemed like seconds to viewers back then. Nowadays, though, my ADD riddled brain just can’t take it. It’s almost like Kubrick is just daring you to reach for the remote and hit fast forward. I can almost hear his voice yelling at me from beyond the grave. “What’s the matter, punk? Don’t you appreciate art? Scan forward just like the cretin you are…”

In conclusion, if I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that you really can have too much of a good thing. That’s why sex with me only lasts 2 minutes and thirty seconds. Really, I just do it for the ladies…

As I’m writing this, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is about to hit theaters. And, by the time you read this it will have disappointed countless moviegoers across the globe. Am I psychic? Heck no! You don’t have to be Nostradamus to see that any movie combining green dust of doom, wire-fu ninjas, and Marlan Wayans is guaranteed to be a malignant, cinematic afterbirth. To make matters worse, we are forced to deal with G.I. Joe’s awful subtitle. Seriously, “The Rise of Cobra?” This is the best they could come up with? That phrasing fails harder than a night of Carrot Top comedy at the Apollo. *cues rimshot* Try the veal and be sure to tip your waitress…

The following list pays tribute to some other awful movie subtitles of yore. These are the film titles that are bad in their own right, but are made even worse by the addition of a putrid word or two—like Mad Libs if it were run by Hollwyood Studio Executives. So, grab your gear, suit up, and get ready for some listing goodness, because my Cobra is suddenly on the rise.*

*And, by “Cobra” I mean my penis.

Herbie: Fully Loaded

If there ever was a movie subtitle that seems to lend itself to soft-core porn, its gotta be Herbie: Fully Loaded. Amazingly enough, it’s actually a Disney movie—go figure. In this 2005 revamp of the 1968 “classic,” an apathetic populace was treated to another Love Bug adventure starring teen starlet/temporary-lesbian/crack head Lindsay Lohan and that hipster douchebag from the Apple commercials (Justin Long for those of you playing at home).

Now, I’ve only seen parts of Herbie: Fully loaded, but those brief scenes were enough to prove that the movie is equally as idiotic as its short bus subtitle. In the scene where Matt Dillon ends up getting beat up by a vintage Volkswagen, it almost becomes instinctual to bow your head in shame and shake it slowly back and forth. If I were in charge of the marketing department for the film, I would have gone with the depressing, yet more truthful subtitle—Herbie: Where Careers Go To Die.

Step Up 2: The Streets
Remember Step Up? You know, the movie from 2006 where a saintly teen teams up with a dangerous, yet attractive youth from the wrong side of the tracks in order to improve their lives through the power of dance? Remember that? Me neither…but apparently it was so profitable (albeit forgettable) that studio executives felt compelled to release an almost identical sequel one year later. This time, however, audiences were treated with the truly moronic subtitle: “The Streets.” It’s this kind of generation X, jivey B.S. that just screams “I’m edgy in the I shop at Hot-Topic kind of way.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to Step on up to the streets. Hey…see what I did there?

FUN FACT: Channing Tatum has starred in both G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra  and the original Step Up. Personally, I’m just glad to see that he’s really progressing artistically as an actor. *cue fart noise*

Speed 2: Cruise Control
Beyond being one of the worst sequels of all time, Speed 2 also manages to have one of the worst subtitles of all time—Cruise Control. Get it? Because it takes place on a cruise ship, you see? Ha ha! Isn’t that so clever? Hey, see that gun over there? Why don’t you hand it to Daddy. He’s got things that need killin’…

The thing that bugs the most about Speed 2: Cruise Control is the fact that it truly taints (snickers) the greatness of the original. In every respect, the sequel pales in comparison to the original action masterpiece. Say what you want, but the combination of Jeff Daniels, Dennis Hopper, and Keanu Reeves is pretty much cinematic heaven. Because, as we all know, every time Dennis Hopper laughs maniacally an angel gets his wings. Atta boy, Clarence!

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
You’ve got to love a movie franchise that takes the crappy title from the original and makes it into an even crappier subtitle for the sequel. This is the type of advanced Aristolean logic that helped spawn 2004’s Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Directed by the late Bob Clark and starring Jon “I’ll-appear-in-anything!” Voight, this little cinematic gem had the creative fortitude to take the cheap gimmick found in the Look Who’s Talking series and combine it with Hollywood’s current obsession with superheroes. Hey, if that doesn’t wet your cinematic appetite, then you must be either dead or just have good taste. I don’t know what the seven signs of the apocalypse are, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is one of them. Either that or Zac Efron’s entire career…

 

Manos: The Hands of Fate
Often called the worst movie of all time, Manos: The Hands of Fate has a rare breed of bad subtitle. Not only is it obtuse, but it’s also completely meaningless. For those of you out there not as smart as me, let me drop some knowledge on ya. You see, “manos” is Spanish for hands. So, when translated, the title actually reads Hands: The Hands of Fate. That kind of repetition is so blatant that even Michael Bay would call it overkill. Not to mention, the term “Hands of Fate” sounds like the type of idiotic spiritual nonsense that is best reserved for Christian rock bands or anything written by George Lucas. Picture this: coming soon to a theater near you—Indiana Jones and the Hands of Fate. Starring Shia Lebeouf. Summer 2013. Makes you shudder, doesn’t it?

Okay, kiddos. That’s it for me this week. I’m sure they’re tons of bad subtitles I missed. Feel free to shout out your own inspired choices at http:www.geekscape.net/forums

…so, I can make fun of them.

Ivan, out.

As hard as it is to believe, just a few short days ago I was a Comic Con virgin. I knew nothing of schwag and celebrity panels. As far as I knew, people only dressed up on Halloween and action figures were still strictly for kids.  Well, thanks to my good ole’ buddies at Geekscape, all that has changed. With a Comic-Con 2009 press pass in hand, I tackled this year’s pop culture conference with the hardened voraciousness of a Twilight fan with PMS.

The dust may have settled, and the infamous “Con” maybe over. But, that doesn’t mean we still can’t have a little bit of fun. So, strap in folks and gear up for some listing goodness. It’s top five time—Comic Con style.

Geeks like Free Things
I think it’s pretty well known that people in general like free things. I mean, this is the reason Costco is so damn popular. “Why is that a free sample of low-fat spinach ravioli? It is? Wel then, hand it over, good sir!”

Well, Comic Con takes that desire for free stuff and multiplies it by about a thousand. You see, one of the first things I discovered about the Con is that nerds will wait in line for hours and hours on end for pretty much anything.  And, I do mean anything. Transformers seat cushion? Check. Autograph from dude who played out of focus alien in Star Wars? Check. Limited edition Sailor Moon keychain? Sign those pale motherfuckers up.

With each passing minute, I was continually amazed by people’s desire to attain free crap. Right before my eyes I saw geeks transform into crack addicted raccoons, with full-blown rabies, in order to get their grubby hands on free schwag. Lines would form that stretched across the entire floor. People would wait for hours. Not to mention, nerds would adorn themselves with giant trough-size bags just to hold all this delicious free schwag.

All in all, it was pretty ridiculous. I mean, how could people waste their time on this kind of stuff? What? Oh, these things that I’m holding? These limited edition 9 trading cards? Well, these are completely different.  Seriously, they might be a collector’s item one day… *points to the ceiling* “Hey! What’s that?” *runs away*

Cartoon Porn is Everywhere
You know that feeling you get when you see a fat kid wearing an extra large t-shirt at the community swimming pool? A sort of empty sadness that cripples you with awkwardness? Well, take that feeling and multiply it by 100, because ladies and gentlemen, Comic Con has porn. Anime Porn. Tentacle porn. Hentai. Comixxx. Whatever you freaks are calling it nowadays—it’s there. Granted, I’m not surprised in the least that an audience of men who have probably never seen a real naked woman before might be interested in a little erotic art. I get that. I really do. But I was just amazed by the sheer amount of it. Not to mention how passé everybody is about it. “Oh, that poster over there? Next to the Darth Vader Lego Sculpture? Oh, yeah…that’s just a giant squid fucking an asian teenager. *Yawns* Anybody else in the mood for nachos?

Mila Kunis is Purty
I’ll admit that I walked into Comic Con with an air of superiority. “I’m better than these people,” I thought. With my fancy, schmancy press badge in hand, I strutted proudly onto the main floor, half expecting men dressed in orc costumes to bow before me while chicks in gold bikinis moistened with anticipation. Well, as I quickly found out, as soon as you enter that giant exhibit hall of social inadequacy, you’re just another one of the masses—another schlubby, overweight dude with an unhealthy obsession for Robotech.

My first true whiff of sobering humility came at the panel for Extract—the new movie from writer/director Mike Judd. It’s a spiritual successor to Judge’s cult hit Office Space and features an impressive cast, including Jason Bateman, Ben Affleck, and of course, the lovely Mila Kunis. Now, normally I don’t get excited when it comes to celeb spotting, but something about seeing Ms. Kunis up close and personal caused me to snap. Suddenly, I was just like every other entranced and obsessive fanboy on the floor, looking up at her like some sort of pop culture God. I tried to actually listen to what she was saying, but all I could think about was getting up next to her and starting a tickle fight. She’s just that damn adorable. Oh, dear Ms. Kunis. you’ve stolen my heart. Now, to complete my master plan and earn her love, all I have to do is send her this picture of me without a shirt. That’s bound to impress her into submission. *Rawr*…*Sigh*

Geeks Like to Dress Up
Remember when you were a kid and all you wanted to do was dress up like your favorite super hero? Well, apparently for many attendees at Comic Con, that dream didn’t die at the age of 11. As I walked the main floor and shuttled my way through a sea of people wearing various amalgamations of spandex, leather, and Styrofoam it became clear to me that it’s very much a reality for these people. The costumes range from the impressive (decked out Ghostbusters) to the clever (Marty McFly) to the downright weird (everyone dressed up as some unintelligible manga character). The more I strolled around Comic Con the more characters I saw. Before long, it became almost normal to look up and see Rorschach peeing at the urinal next to you.

Too bad most of the attendees at Comic Con weren’t able to recognize my awesome costume. Apparently, “handsome stud” is just a little too obscure for most people. Cretins…
 


Geeks are Passionate
Okay…okay…I’ll admit that I’ve made the usual jokes. I’ve called the attendees nerds and labeled them as socially awkward. I’ve mocked their desire for free goods and sightings of D-list celebrities. I’ve let my curmudgeon flag truly fly.

But, at the end of the day, I kid out of love. Say what you want about geeks, but it’s truly hard to deny the passion that they have. Where else can you group such a devoted band of people together to celebrate something that is strictly about creative expression and entertainment? Comic Con showed me a landscape of people small and big (at times, very big). People from all over the world. People who like anime porn in the morning and fantasy role playing at night. A true representation of interests, ideas, and nerdy beliefs—a true Geekscape, if you will.

Now that Comic Con has ended and those dressed as Stormtroopers have gone back to their day jobs, I can only reflect on the fun experience I had and the great people I got to spend it with. At the risk of pushing this weekly satirical column into the realm of melodrama, let me just say how happy I am that I got to spend just a few days with the geekiest people on Earth. Now, that being said, let’s all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Thanks again to all who made this experience possible. If everything works out, perhaps I’ll get to come back next year. I’m pretty easy to spot—I’m the one with the huge penis.

Until next time, Ivan, out.

Harry Potter Part 6 (easily the sequel-iest of the Harry Potter movies) has just hit theaters, and muggles, wizards, and nerds alike can now rejoice in watching such a beloved book come to life on the silver screen. Now, as any elitist, monocle-wearing fat cat will tell you, it’s common knowledge that books are usually much better than the movies in which they are based (undoubtedly true when to comes to the case of the Harry Potter films). Well, the following list proves that they’re a few exceptions when it comes to cinematic adaptations. These are the movies that make us look at books and spit on them, encouraging illiteracy across the country. Because—as we all know—reading is for pussies…

*Note: The following list contains only books that I’ve read. They’re may be better choices (i.e. the Godfather or Debbie Does Dallas, perhaps) but since I haven’t read them, I can’t be sure.

Die Hard
You may not know it, but Die Hard is actually based on a 1979 novel by Richard Thorpe entitled “Nothing Lasts Forever.” Some of the details got changed in the adaptation (i.e. the inclusion of the fat Black guy from Family Matters), but for the most part the overall storyline remains the same—terrorists attack an office building on Christmas Eve. Whereas the novel is a competent—albeit generic—thriller, Die Hard was a revolutionary action film that created iconic characters, memorable one-liners, and further reinforced the innate truth that all German men with long blond hair are in fact either Nazis or terrorists.

Sweeping generalizations aside, Die Hard is a great movie that launched a multi-million dollar franchise with a fan base that extends across the globe. The book is a forgettable thriller that is often sold at thrift shops where hipsters buy vintage t-shirts and broken Nintendo games. Advantage? Movie.

High Fidelity
British author Nick Hornby (the author behind Fever Pitch and About A Boy) has always written novels that seem to translate well to cinematic structure. For me, the movie that actually supercedes its narrative forbearer is none other than 2000’s High Fidelity. High Fidelity is to guys what Sex and the City (or some other equally retarded thing women like) is to girls. It gives us dudes a “realistic” perspective on facing adulthood and dealing with relationships. Heck, it’s a subject matter so good that Zach Braff felt compelled to make two movies about it (Garden State and The Last Kiss at your service).

While there is no doubt the book is certainly very well written, I just like the movie a little better for some reason. Maybe it’s John Cusack’s great performance. Maybe it’s Jack Black’s comedic timing. Or, maybe it’s the fact that the movie takes place in the United States versus the book’s native England. Because let’s face it, folks, the USA just makes everything better. *Belches loudly/Goes to Applebees*

Jurassic Park
Yeah…I know…I talk about Jurassic Park a lot. But, that’s just because it had such a profound effect on me as a child—much like that creepy guy in the white van who gave me candy after Little League games.

Lots of Michael Crichton’s books have been turned into movies, but only Jurassic Park was able to trump the novel’s greatness. Beyond telling a compelling adventure story, this film did tons for the industry—from spawning revolutionary special effects techniques to creating a formula for the event driven summer blockbusters that are so commonly seen in multiplexes today. Sure the subsequent sequels were complete sh-t shows that featured velociraptors with mohawks and a girl beating up a dinosaur using rhythmic gymnastics, but that still doesn’t taint (tee-hee!) the glory of the original Jurassic Park. I salute you, Mr. Spielberg. Thanks for proving that reading is in fact obsolete.

Big Fish
Like Jurassic Park, Big Fish is a movie that seems to show up on these lists often. Well, like Zima and one-legged prostitutes, it just happens to be one of my favorite things. More amazingly, however, is just how much better the movie is than the novel in which it is based. In Daniel Wallace’s book, the entire narrative is a very loose connection of tall tales and yarns that lacks the cohesiveness and honest relationships that the movie creates. To put it bluntly, the book feels cold and loose—much like your mom last night.

Now, there are some who prefer the book’s more Laissez-faire approach. Me on the other hand…I think the film took the novel’s original framework and reshaped it into something that is more meaningful and moving. Coincidentally, women have often said the same thing about my penis.

Stand By Me
Lots of Stephen King novels have been turned into movies, but the majority of them suck something hardcore. That being said, they’re some key exceptions when it comes to adaptations of King’s work. The Shining is both a great book and movie. The same could be said for the Shawshank Redemption. However, when it comes to a film usurping its source novel, the clear winner for me is Stand By Me. Based on King’s novella called “The Body” (kudos on the title change, studio execs.), the story centers on a group of kids as they set out to find a dead body in the woods. What results is a coming of age tale that reminds people of a carefree time when Corey Feldman wasn’t addicted to crack and Jerry O’Connell was so fat that it was ludicrous to think that one day he would end up banging Rebecca Romijn.

The movie accomplishes something very rare when it comes to a cinematic adaptation of a novel—it takes the source material’s core themes and expands them to something that is emotionally richer and visually more stimulating. Yes, Stand by Me is proof that movies can occasionally trump the books in which they are based. That being said, I must say that this film is a tad unrealistic. I mean, when I asked a bunch of friends if they wanted to head into the woods with me to search for a naked dead body, they just turned to me and started crying. Gosh, fourth graders can be so immature….

Over and out, my peeps.

Brüno has just hit theaters, so that means everybody and their mothers will suddenly start quoting lines in a poor effort to imitate Sacha Baron Cohen’s exaggerated Austrian nancy boy (except for your little brother…he always talked queer anyways).

While quotable comedies are certainly good fun, nothing is more irritating than those who find it necessary to endlessly spew movie lines like a frat boy who projectile vomits pizza at 3 in the morning. The following list pays homage to those regurgitated lines of yore—the comedies that everyone in the world has seen a gazillion times, yet they still somehow compel us to act out scenes like a drunken parrot. Yes–that’s right–nothing is less unique and irritating than the overused movie quote.  I mean, I wouldn’t be caught dead doing something so completely unoriginal and cliché. Speaking of which, you know what else is really annoying? Airplane food. I mean, seriously folks, what’s the deal with that?

Swingers
Before Jon Favreau became the acclaimed/chubby director behind Iron Man, he was the relatively unknown/chubby star of a little movie called Swingers. Directed by Doug Liman (who went on to make the Bourne Identity and the celluloid afterbirth known as Jumper), Swingers was a movie that gave filmgoers a sudden cinematic injection of bromantic camaraderie and snazzy one-liners. And, while Swingers did much to add a sense of youthful, mainstream vitality to the word of quasi-independent film during the late 90’s, it also unfortunately spawned an endless supply of one-liners for douchebags across America to spout ad nauseam. Nowadays, it’s a well-known completely made up fact that 65% of all communication on road trips to Vegas is comprised of Swingers quotage (the other 35% comes from Fear and Loathing and repeated, semi-incompressible grunts of “Vegas, Baby! Vegas!”).  Is it annoying? Absolutely. We get it buddy…you’re so money and you don’t even know it. This is me giving you the finger.

Napoleon Dynamite
Few movies in the last 10 years have contributed so greatly to the global pop-culture lexicon as 2004’s Napoleon Dynamite—a fact made even more amazing when you consider the film itself was made dirt cheap and without any big name actors. That being said, if you still think quoting Napoleon Dynamite is even remotely clever, you should probably consider jumping in a volcano or something. Look, I’m not dissing Napoleon Dynamite as a movie; I just think the respectable window of time to quote the film has definitely passed. It’s time to move on to another quirky, independent comedy to get our fix. And—before you head there—Juno just doesn’t count. Start quoting that I may have the reflexive reaction to punch you in the face. Honest to blog.

Borat
Right after Borat came out, remember how everyone you knew—friends, coworkers, relatives—were quoting the movie like crazy? Yeah, that was funny for a total of thirty seconds. Granted, I laughed my ass off when I first saw Borat in the theater back in 2006, but overtime the joke wore thin—much like Carrot Top’s career. In terms of a “hip-ness barometer,” I think it’s safe to say that as soon as your mom begins quoting something, it’s no longer cool. And, so died the comedic value of the Borat impression.

Nevertheless, this hasn’t stopped people from continually regurgitating things like “Niice!’ and “High-Five” at office Christmas parties and summer barbeques across the country. I guarantee that some guy in accounting in Topeka, Kansas is doing it as I type this very sentence. So, while it may no longer be socially acceptable, the Borat impression continues to live on. In other words, quoting Borat is the equivalent of wearing crocs or t-shirts with unicorns painted on them.

Anchorman
There’s no denying that Will Ferrell is a funny dude. But, for some reason his comedies with writing partner/director Adam McKay always feel more like Saturday Night Live Sketches than actual movies. Parts of them are really funny, but as a whole they come off as overlong and unfulfilling (much like sex with me).

Overall, I think Anchorman is the worst offender when comes to the “funny, but overrated category.” Are parts brilliant? Damn straight! It just doesn’t sustain that level of greatness throughout. The same could be said for quoting lines from film. For Example:

1.) “Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!!”— Hilarious.

2.) “I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch…”— I want to knife you when you’re asleep.

Just keep that in mind the next time you and your brahs try to start an unrehearsed performance of Afternoon Delight. Believe me, I’ll be watching…

The Austin Powers Series
If my love of Wayne’s World is any indication, I was a huge Mike Myers fan back in the day. But, now that we’re in what I like to call the “Love Guru Era” of comedy, Myers has gone from smart and hilarious to embarrassing and “Fred Durst-esque.” Interestingly, you could say the same thing about the Austin Powers series as a whole. Once clever and satiric, the franchise has waned to something banal and borderline retarded. Nevertheless, Austin Powers is still probably one of the most over quoted movies of all time. *le sigh*

On the positive side of things, if somebody starts quoting Austin Powers it tells me a lot about them—like let’s never hang out. In fact, the same could be said about other dehabilitating physical traits such as tribal armband tattoos or having red hair.

Until next time, y’all…Ivan, out.

Transformers: Insert Generic Subtitle Here has opened across the country, and whether or not you consider it to be a blockbuster masterpiece or a cliché-ridden piece of pedestrian cinematic feces, one thing is certain—the movie blows up things real nice. So, in honor of artful destruction, I’ve compiled the following list—the top five movie explosions. That’s right, folks, the following list doesn’t bother itself with stupid things like character development or narrative subtlety. It cares only about the act of blowing—something that, coincidentally, your Mom is also very familiar with *Chest bump. Takes swig of beer*

Terminator 2: Judgment Day – T1000 in a semi-truck
For many, James Cameron’s Terminator 2 is the greatest action movie ever made. The story is smart. The science fiction elements are cool. And, the action is —for lack for a better word— badass. The explosion worth mentioning here happens in the first third of the movie. The T-1000 has been chasing a teenage John Connor and the Governor of California in a giant semi-truck. Needless to say, things eventually go boom in a spectacular and pyrotechnic way. But, that’s not what makes the explosion so cool. Much like the fat girl sitting at the end of a crowded bar, things only get better looking the longer you wait (and drink).

After the initial sweet explosion, we get to see the T-1000 exit the flaming wreckage as a humanoid figure of liquid metal goo, and then reassemble himself in real time back into the visage of Robert Patrick. Not only is the effect really cool, but it also introduced the world to a level of special effects and CGI that would later become an everyday part of Hollywood life—much like cocaine and scientology.

Scanners – Some Dude’s Head Explodes
Now, for something completely different, I turn to David Cronenberg’s Scanners. While napalm and mushroom clouds are certainly fun, they’re also just a tad generic. With Scanners, Cronenberg, being both a talented director and a creepy freak, showed moviegoers everywhere a telepathic explosion…of someone’s head. That’s right, in the movie, a person’s head explodes on screen in a delightfully disgusting mix of sticky matter and brain particles. It really is an impressive site. I mean, I haven’t seen a head explode with such a forceful projection of sticky human matter since the last time I got my hands on a Sears Victoria’s Secret Catalog. *Cues rim shot* Try the veal, people…

Link to visual awesomeness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HY-03vYYAjA

Armageddon – Paris Goes Boom
No list about the art of blowing things up would be complete without Mr. Boom himself, Michael Bay. Bay’s entire career has been based on two things: Big explosions and really f-cking big explosions. And, while Transformers and Transformers 2 both have their fair share of pyrotechnics, I think Armageddon sort of wins the competition here. For one, Armageddon isn’t so much a movie as it is a series of random scenes interconnected by giant balls of fire. Heck, I’m pretty sure Billy Bob Thornton doesn’t even realize he’s in a movie, let alone “the motivation” of his character.

But, amidst the quick cuts and bad Aerosmith songs, Armageddon does one thing really well: and that thing is he make thing go kablooey all pretty-like. The scene that stands out for me happens as we watch Paris get bombarded with an asteroid firestorm of cosmic death. From the vantage point of Notre Dame, the city of lights turns into a city of fire. I guess it’s a good thing that—as always—America comes in to save the day. I mean, for all its flaws, at least Armageddon is historically accurate. *looks down at American flag tank top and lack of pants, wipes tear* God Bless the USA!

Fun Fact: Michael Bay always loses at chess because he keeps moving his pieces to C4.

Star Wars – The Death Star Explodes
Nowadays, George Lucas is a punch line — a man obsessed with CGI prairie dogs and retarded Jamaican aliens. But back in the day he was a king and his kingdom was Star Wars. Upon its release, Star Wars was more than just a movie — it was a revolutionary film that changed the landscape of cinema in all arenas, from its role in pop culture to special effects. Speaking of which, no explosion is quite as nostalgic and satisfying as the destruction of the Death Star at the end of Episode 4. Even before Lucas got all frisky and added a CGI ring of fire to the shot upon the movie’s re-release in the 90’s, the explosion stiill looked so cool that it even managed to make Mark Hamill not look completely gay. In fact, it’s moments like this that remind us all that there was a time when George Lucas was more concerned with making movies than the all you can eat dinner buffet at the Sizzler.

Independence Day – Simultaneous Blue Pulse Ray of Doom
If Michael Bay had a soul mate it would be director Roland Emmerich — a man who has also made a career out of destroying the hell out of things for the sake of entertainment. In 1994, I was young and impressionable. That year I also just happened to see a tiny little film called Independence Day (you may have heard of it). And, let me tell you, I was stunned. Things exploded! Will Smith was Black/sassy! Bill Pullman’s voice was extra-raspy! It was the greatest movie ever made.

At the end of the first act, Emmerich simultaneously blows up the White House, the Empire State Building, and all of downtown Los Angeles with a sweeping blue alien pulse ray of doom. Now, that’s an explosion worth talking about. I’m just glad the dog managed to jump from the fireball into Vivica A. Fox’s outstretched arms in time. I was worried there for  a second…

Every disaster movie since, even Emmerich’s own movies, have simply attempted to mimic the sheer pyrotechnic joy of Independence day. Therefore, it’s the number one movie explosion in my book (and, let’s face it people, I’m always right).

Fun Fact: Roland Emmerich’s favorite TV station? TNT.

I’ll be here all week. You’re welcome.

As Nick Gregorio (an esteemed cohost on the Geekscape Podcast) so eloquently stated a while back on the show, “Hollywood is raping us.” He was, of course, referring to the mining of childhood intellectual properties and memorable franchises in order to make a quick buck on the silver screen. This summer alone a G.I. Joe movie and a Transformers sequel are barging their way into theaters with the tasteful subtlety that only Stephen Sommers and Michael Bay could provide.

Well, the following list proves that Hollywood is not just raping us, but is in fact taking us forcibly by the balls and showering us in a proverbial all-night bukkake of youthful nostalgia and soulless greed. These are the movies in development that will make you question the existence of a higher power. Movies that will make you believe that studio executives are truly nothing more than empty yes-men who are both illiterate and addicted to cocaine. Movies that quite simply make you want to stand up and scream, “F-ck my life!” So, fellow cinemagoers, lets strap on our safety helmets and journey into this putrid developmental abyss together.

Bazooka Joe
Yup…you read that right. A Bazooka Joe movie is currently in development. And, yes, in case you think you’re missing something, that is in fact the character found on the gum wrapper. A gum wrapper! Look at it this way: Bazooka Joe comics were printed on a medium that was meant to be thrown away, which means that even the makers of the product itself considered it to be garbage. Yet, here comes Hollywood, Leonidas-kicking its way into the picture, just itching to turn this into a movie. *Sighs* A gum wrapper. From the fifties. Can we get a slow clap for the douches in charge?

At the very least, couldn’t studio heads have greenlit a Big League Chew movie instead? As far as chewing gum to filmic adaptations go, that one’s clearly the winner. After all, there’s no better product for children than a gum that mimics the disgusting and altogether reprehensible habit of chewing tobacco. I’m full of ideas, Hollywood…

Stretch Armstrong
Remember that crappy, stretchable doll that you played with as a kid? You know…the one that looked like a cross between Elton John and a retarded Hulk Hogan. Well, guess what? It’s being turned into a movie! Wow, I just can’t wait to watch a movie about a character that’s just like Reed Richards, except you know, without any backstory whatsoever. I mean, seriously, just how can this miss? Maybe if we’ll lucky they’ll throw in Stretch’s canine sidekick Fetch Armstrong or his evil arch nemesis Wretch Armstrong. It’s clever because their first names rhyme, you see.

Where’s Waldo?
“Where’s Waldo?” was a fun picture book series created with the sole purpose of entertaining kids during long car rides or times when Daddy was passed out from drinking. That’s all well and good—and I genuinely don’t have a problem with the character of Waldo. But, a movie? C’mon! What decent story can possible by extracted about a tall guy who wears a stripped shirt and glasses, stands in crowds, and is most likely gay? More importantly, is this even necessary? I guess considering this is Hollywood we’re talking about here, I really shouldn’t be surprised. At this point I probably should just sit back in my recliner and wait for the inevitable sequel featuring a crossover between Carmen San Diego. Then, I can lock myself in my car, close the garage door, and turn on the ignition.

Heathcliff
Do you remember Heathcliff? No? How could you not remember an eighties cartoon cat who was more or less a blatant rip-off of Garfield? You see, Transformers had its Gobots and Garfield had Heathcliff. In case you didn’t know, he’s a zany, sarcastic cat that gets in all sorts of crazy shenanigans. To me, that just screams “awesome movie.” I just can’t wait to see what wild adventures he’ll get into. Maybe he’ll get stuck in a ball of yarn or, better yet, learn how to skateboard! You’re so sassy and cool, Heathcliff! I wish I were as edgy and tubular as you! *air guitars* *slits wrists*

Monopoly
Hollywood has turned to video games. They’ve turned to toys. Action figures. Dolls. Old cartoons. Gum wrappers. Well, now ladies and gentlemen of the jury, they’ve turned to board games—a form of entertainment so lame that its coolest spokesperson is Jamie Lee Curtis.

Granted, I’m not one to bash the 1985 movie Clue (which is surprisingly a decent flick), but Monopoly is where I draw the line. Let me ask you something: have you ever played Monopoly for longer than two hours? Yeah, I didn’t think so. That’s because it gets really boring after about forty-five minutes and the game never ends. Now, picture that excruciating experience compiled together as a movie. Just makes you wet with anticipation, doesn’t it? To make matters even more intriguing mortifying Ridley Scott (i.e. the man behind Alien and Gladiator) is currently tapped to direct. I don’t know about you all, but when I hear the word board game my mind doesn’t necessarily jump to “dude who made Blade Runner.” Regardless of what happens with this flick, I hope they come up with intriguing plot twists revolving around who gets to be the racecar and what the true rules of free parking are. Just think, in no time you too can cruise pass go into the bowels of cinematic Hell. Sounds fan-fricking-tastic!

Until next time, see you on the Baltic Avenue of websites…

Because I’m a blatant media whore who enjoys plugging movies in hope that studio heads might give me free stuff, I thought it would be a good idea to list the top five  movies to watch when hungover, in honor of Warner Brother’s recent release [hee…hee….“release.” -Ed. ) of The Hangover. So, lay on your couch, pull down the shades, and just keep telling yourself that you didn’t make out with that chubby girl from College Park last night, it’s time to thrive on some good ole’ fashioned cinematic therapy.

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Mindless comedy always works best when hungover, and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (not that abortion posing a sequel) fits the bill nicely. Harold and Kumar has just the right mix of funny gags, quick pacing, and idiosyncratic characters to make you almost forget the fact that your mouth tastes like an ashtray. Plus, the plot is so simple and easy to follow that you can run to the bathroom to puke and still manage to come back and understand everything that’s going on. The addition of Malin Ackerman’s boobs is also an abstract, but oddly dignified touch. If there’s anything that’s capable of distracting you from the hazards of former intoxication, it’s most definitely gratuitous nudity…that or Neil Patrick Harris. So, next time you find yourself with a horrendous case of the hangover blues, pop some Harold and Kumar into the DVD player and enjoy the ride. Heck, by the time the credits roll you might even be hungry for some actual White Castle hamburgers—then again—maybe not.

Jurassic Park
The reason for Jurassic Park’s inclusion on this list may be more personal than the rest. But, considering this is my top five, I’m forcing it on you like an overbearing father forces peewee football on his gay son. You see, back when I was a youngster who had yet to formulate such a sarcastic and negative view of the world, Jurassic Park may just have been my favorite movie. If I was ever feeling down I’d pop this baby in the ole’ VCR and relish in an astonishing adventure complete with CGI dinosaurs and Sam Neil. In turn, what better way to get over the pains of a hangover than with fond memories of what just may be the greatest summer blockbuster of all time? (yeah, I said it) Heck, Jurassic Park is so great that I suggest viewing it anytime you’re feeling lonely, depressed, or even suicidal. Or, other words, a time I like to call “Saturday Night.”

The Goonies
Sometimes when you’re hungover it helps to regress to a childlike and innocent time when alcohol was nothing more than a distant twinkle in your bright eyes. That’s where The Goonies comes in. Few movies represent your carefree youth better than this seminal 80’s classic. As you’re struggling to maintain mental clarity through pounding headaches and the pervasive taste of mucus on your tongue, remind yourself fondly of an era when children’s movies didn’t feature fat mall cops riding segways, talking guinea pigs, or Brendan Fraser. It’s common knowledge that Goonies never say die, and by watching this movie you’ll feel the desire to live all over again! (Zing! Leno writers, call me!)

The Rocky Series
Rocky is the only movie that could possibly inspire you to do pushups while you’re still hungover. As you watch the Italian Stallion montage his way through big fight after big fight it’s hard not to begin to feel a little pumped up. Plus, it’s common knowledge that the Rocky musical theme is therapeutic—sort of like those mineral baths that rich white people would take back in the 1800’s. Listen to Gonna Fly Now a few times and you’ll be convinced that blind man can see and that you’re actually attractive enough to be banging supermodels. Seriously, I could be promoting world peace while standing next Mahatma Gandhi himself, and if the Rocky score began to play, I’d immediately have the urge to start punching crap and breaking stuff with my head.

In terms of proper hangover recover technique, it actually helps if you start with Rocky V and work backgrounds—that way, as you start to feel better throughout the day, the plot’s actually begin to go from completely ridiculous to Oscar caliber material. Special props if you end up watching Rocky III—nothing cures a hangover faster than watching Sylvester Stallone and Carl Weathers dance around in a frothy beach like in a gay porn movie. *Snaps spandex jumpsuit* Surfs up, gentlemen.

Under Siege
Before he became a punch line, before he started the ill-advised country music career, before he startled spouting self-help aphorisms like a retarded Confucius, Steven Seagall was an action legend. Mr. Seagal’s special breed of ponytail infused ass-kickery reached its pinnacle with 1992’s Under Siege. Yes, Under Siege—the film that made boats cool long before Andy Samberg and overplayed viral videos existed. This movie has it all for the hangover: easy to follow action scenes (i.e. non of this Bourne Identity shaky cam crap), minimal dialogue, a stripper that pops out of a cake, and a Tommy Lee Jones knife fight. Plus, Seagal plays a cook, so as you watch the movie you actually begin to believe that perhaps Mr. Casey Ryback himself will roundhouse kick out of the television and whip you up some sort of miraculous hangover elixir.

Unfortunately, these same words of praise can not be given to Segal’s ill-advised 1995 follow up—Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. It’s different because it’s on a train, you see.

Until next week, sleep tight and stay away from the sauce…

In honor of JJ Abrams’s successful restart of the Star Trek series, I’d thought it would be appropriate to see exactly what movie franchises could also use a good revamp. These are the properties that have/had potential, but have since become either tired, stale, or forgotten—much like the Cheetos hidden in your couch cushions. So, I say it’s time to dig deep into the proverbial cracks of your sofa, pull out a Cheeto, ignore the pervasive aroma of ass, and take a satisfying bite because, girlfriend, you in need of a makeover. *clicks fingers and moves neck in a circle*

Daredevil
Considering Jonathan (Jonathan London, host of Geekscape.net’s Geekscape…go to the front page and watch) mentions a Daredevil reboot on every freakin’ show (along with an odd childhood obsession with Escape from Monkey Island), this franchise was a dead lock for this list. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that Jon’s right on this one. The Daredevil movie from 2003 is the cinematic equivalent to Down’s syndrome—it moves slow, says ridiculous things, and stages fights in a school playground. So, how about a movie that gives our blind lawyer the respect he truly deserves? My familiarity with the comics is hazy at best, but there’s got to be a solid and entertaining storyline that would lend itself to a feature plot. Combine a smart, intuitive director (anybody else want to see Danny Boyle tackle a superhero film?) with a solid cast and you’d have yourself a winner. Also, considering the Incredible Hulk came out a mere 5 years after Ang Lee’s abortion, it’s not like Marvel would risk that many angry calls of “too soon.” If anything, watch the Ben Affleck version again and you’re bound to say “not soon enough.” *Congratulates self on hackneyed journalistic wordplay* 

The Mighty Ducks
Okay…hear me out on this one…if you’re a kid who grew up in the nineties, you were a Mighty Duck fan. Back in the day, I loved this movie so much that I even bought a pair of rollerblades so that I could learn how to skate. Granted, this turned out to be a grave and costly mistake when it came to my rung on the elementary school’s social ladder (surprisingly, purple skates are not nearly as cool as Walmart salesmen would have you believe), but it nevertheless proves my love for the movie.

Scarring childhood memories aside, the Mighty Ducks really was a solid kids’ franchise. Yeah, I’ll admit that the third one—which takes place in a boarding school—is certifiably retarded, but hey, why not bring it back for a new generation? If Will Smith can revamp the Karate Kid with his own son, can’t we get a greenlight for the Ducks? Think of the possibilities! Perhaps Joshua Jackson can come back as the new coach or maybe they could even get a cameo from the Mighty Duck man himself, Emilio Estevez—God knows he’s not doing anything else.

National Lampoon’s Movies
Back in the day, the original National Lampoon movies used to be really funny. Chevy Case’s Vacation is a heralded as a comedy classic. Now, the Lampoon flicks are reminiscent of attending an all-day comedy jam featuring Carrot Top and Carlos Mencia. So, let’s rewind the past eight or so movies (National Lampoon’s Adam and Eve, WTF?) and start with a fresh, exciting plot and some new creative talent. If I were in charge, I’d contact the dudes from College Humor to pen the script. The viral stuff you find on that site is better than 90% of comedies in theaters today, so why not give them a shot at a full length feature? Seriously, what’s the worst thing that can happen? I really don’t think you can sink much lower than National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze. Watching that movie is a trial of both patience and self esteem. Everything in it is just so blatantly bad that you actually begin to feel sorry for everybody who is involved. So, it’s just like a car accident or seeing amateur improv comedy.

Ghostbusters
A Ghostbusters 3 has been in talks for eighteen trillion years, and I’m pretty sure the people in charge of the franchise can’t even get its spiritual (bad pun alert) videogame successor off the ground. Well, frankly I think we need a Ghostbusters for a new generation. This may sound blasphemous, but just start from scratch. I love Bill Murray as much as the next guy, but he doesn’t have to appear in another Ghostbusters movie to make it work. Plus, since he went all serious actor on us, I’m pretty sure he’s too busy starting stoically in the camera while jerking off a cat for the next Jim Jarmusch movie to bother himself with petty mainstream trash.

We’ve got a new age of young, comedic Hollywood talent on our hands, so why not use it? Remix the classic theme song, call Seth Rogen and his group of 80 closest actor friends, and you’re sure to have yourself a hit. In a world of perfect synergy, Ivan Reitman’s son— Jason Reitman—would direct. And, then Hollywood’s head could collectively explode.

The Muppets
It’s not so much that the Muppets need a revamp, but more so that they just need a good ol’ fashioned comeback. The last time our puppet pals made an appearance on the big screen was 1999’s Muppets in Space. Considering in that time we’ve managed to have four Fast and Furious movies, I don’t think it’s too much to ask to give me a little Kermit as well. I mean, honestly folks, who doesn’t love the Muppets? They’re adorable, cuddly, funny, and completely f-ckable lovable.

As Much as I hate jumping on the pop-culture bandwagon, my vote would be for a Muppets in 3-D. Yeah, it might be gimmicky, but I’ve always wanted to see a feature version of the much venerated Disney attraction — not to mention, it would give the studio fat cats something to market the film with. Because as we all know, there’s nothing that people like more than 3-D (possibly boobs…Ooo, 3-D boobs!…anyway). Combine them both in one film, and you have a tasteful and cinematic classic for the ages. Hmm…Muppet Porn?…Then “Gonzo” would actually make sense as a genre! Yes! Hollywood, call me!

We’ve all heard of “paycheck movies”. They’re the ones that big name, and usually talented, stars do strictly for the cash (ironically, Ben Affleck starred in a movie of this ilk that was actually called Paycheck). Well, the following list consists of the top five actors who have been in paycheck movies…a lot.

Honorable mention goes out to the legendary Robert DeNiro. I would have added him, but I am genuinely frightened that he would read it, find out where I live, and kill me in my sleep. Love you, Bobby. *Kisses*

Eugene Levy
Based on his comedic timing in stuff like Best in Show and Waiting for Guffman, it’s clear that Eugene Levy has some serious acting chops and is certainly funny. So, why in the name of the Lord God is Mr. Levy continuously appearing in movies that are equivalent to being hit in the nads with a golf shoe while watching reruns of Keeping Up with the Kardashians? 2005’s The Man is a perfect example. I mean, I just love a good ol’ fashioned black and white buddy cop comedy! You see…it’s funny because one of them is a sassy black man and the other one is an uptight white guy! It’s amazing that even when Hollywood churns out such groundbreaking films as this, racial harmony still eludes us.

To make matters worse, I recently found out that Eugene Levy is the only actor to appear in all 6—count ‘em—6 American Pie movies. Not only does that reveal how insanely bad Mr. Levy is at picking projects, it’s also simply mind blowing to conceive that Hollywood has actually produced six American Pie movies. Honestly, who’s even watching this stuff? To answer my own question, it’s probably somebody who wears sideways visors and has a steady supply of Ruhypnol.

Al Pacino
To call Al Pacino a legend is an understatement, so please don’t misinterpret good ol’ Al’s position on this list as a knock on his talent. However, for every Godfather and Dog Day Afternoon, there has been stuff like S1m0ne (that spelling alone makes me want to knife someone), Gigli, and Righteous Kill. I’m not really sure who’s to blame here, but if Pacino keeps choosing projects like these it seems he has a bright future chock-full of appearances in late night commercials for OxyClean. 

Did Pacino just sell out? Did he get lazy? Tired? Regardless, the answer to this question still doesn’t explain exactly why Heat is so acclaimed. Call me a cinematic plebian, but that movie is just too damn long. You know what else is too damn long? My penis. At least that’s what my last girlfriend said…oooooooh!

Eddie Murphy
I think it’s pretty hard to argue that back in his day, Eddie Murphy was pretty much the sh-t. Beverly Hills Cop? Trading Places? Coming to America? These aren’t just comedies—they are cinematic classics. However, a couple of ill fated life decisions and a spin with a tranny-hooker later, we have the Eddie Murphy that exists today—a broken shell of man who blankly sleepwalks through bad family comedies and gets into paternity battles with Scary Spice. I miss the days of yore when Eddie Murphy wasn’t a studio-controlled automaton, but instead was a foul mouthed, quick witted, and daring comedian who raised the bar on comedy and satire.

Unfortunately, the future doesn’t look too bright. After headlining junk like the Adventures of Pluto Nash, Norbit, and Meet Dave, this summer Murphy is staring in Imagine That, a Nickelodeon comedy where he plays a financial executive who’s too busy to paty attention to his daughter. That is, until the daughter’s imaginary friends start giving him good stock tips.  Yup. You read that right. That’s the plot. A girl’s imaginary friends give a guy good stock tips. Oooh…I wonder if at the end they discover a new found appreciation and love for one another? Seriously, folks, this is the kind of role that even Cuba Gooding Jr. would turn down.

Ben Kingsley
Sir Ben Kingsley—also known as the man who played Gandhi. He’s an acclaimed and well-renowned actor who is staple on the stage and screen. Explain to me then, why has he appeared in an Uwe Boll movie? And, while you might think a starring turn in Bloodrayne would be a single ugly mark on an otherwise solid career, there’s also embarrassing performances in A Sound of Thunder, Suspect Zero, You Kill Me, and Thunderbirds. When Nicholas Cage saw that list of movies, he was reported to have said, “Damn, that Kingsley sure makes a lot of crap.”

The good news is that Ben may have gotten himself back on track: coming in 2009 (like your mom, hi-OH!), he’s starring in Martin Scorsese’s next film, Shutter Island. I still have hope for you Ben. Don’t let me down.

Samuel L. Jackson
True fact. Samuel L. Jackson has appeared in every movie ever made. Seriously, I don’t think Mr. Jackson has ever turned down a roll. I picture conversations with his agent going down like this:

Agent: “Hey Sammy. I’ve got a script for a movie…“
Sam Jackson: “I’ll TAKE IT!”

No doubt that Samuel L. Jackson is iconic. But, peruse his filmography and you begin to wonder just how much anonymous debts he really needs to pay off. Jumper? The Man? The Spirit? xXx (both 1 and 2)? Formula 51? These are the kind of movies that lay at the bottom of Wal-Mart’s bargain bin for all eternity. Samuel L. Jackson even made an entire movie based strictly on the idea that he often appears in bad movies (hello, Snakes on a Plane). Seeing all the great stuff Mr. Jackson has done, it truly makes me wonder if sometimes he just needs to simply collect a pay check.

Nevertheless, I’ve had it with these Monkey-Fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!

Ivan, out.

Yeah, I know, that’s a verbose article title, but quite frankly I couldn’t think of a better way to say it. And, I’m too lazy to try and to reconfigure it into a more pithy statement. Here’s the dealio, kiddos—this Top Five is all about those actors who seemed to have it all made, and then with the flip of a coin (or a severe drug habit), they either never quite reached their potential or dropped off the face of the Earth. Think Mickey Rourke, prior to his recent resurgence and attention due to the Wrestler and you’ve got a good idea where I’m coming from. Let the delightful listing of falls from grace commence!

Patrick Renna AKA, that fat kid from the Sandlot
I can already tell that this choice is gonna piss people off. “Who’s Patrick Renna?” they’ll say. “Gosh, Ivan you’re such a cinematic idiot noob! P.S. Your sister is hot.”

Well, you belligerent naysayers, know this—Patrick Renna was THE go-to fat kid actor in the early nineties. You needed a chubby, cherubic source of comic relief in your kid’s movie? You turned to Renna. He appeared in the Son in Law, the Big Green, and of course, the mother of all kid’s movies, The Sandlot. For those who grew up in my generation, the Sandlot was like a religious experience. So, needless to say it appeared as if Renna was off to a good start. He was popular and recognizable—like Macaulay Culkin, except without a cocaine habit and the creepy relationship with Michael Jackson.

Unfortunately, as is the case with so many child actors, Renna succumbed to the laws of nature and “grew up.” Turns out being fat and having adorable squishy, puffy cheeks is only appealing when you’re under ten years old. The rest of the story is typical Hollywood fare. He went on to appear in bad commercials and eventually became a scientologist. I’m banking on either Jonah Hill (or Ben Dunn) to play him in the biopic. It’s sad really…Mr. Renna once had potential and a good on-screen presence when compared to similar child actor ilk.  Nevertheless, he became the red-headed stepchild we always knew that he was. Further proof that you can’t fight nature, ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

Geena Davis
Small factoid for ya—when I was growing up I loved the movie A League of their Own. Perhaps it’s because I’m a big baseball fan or maybe I’m just really gay. Regardless, that movie is awesome. It also happens to star Geena Davis—that red-headed tall drink of water who was all over the movie scene in the eighties and early nineties. I mean, c’mon, starring turns in both Thelma and Lousie and The Fly? That’s pretty notable. Regardless, it seems Ms. Davis’s shining star began to dim around 1995 with the release of Cuthroat Island—a pirate movie almost as incomprehensible and poorly plotted as the entire Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. Sure, she appeared in some notable TV failures since (the aptly titled “The Geena Davis Show and “Commander In Chief”), but she never did manage to capitalize on her initial fame. It’s sort of sad how time leaves celebrities withering in its cold wake. Geena Davis used to be the hot tall red-head. Now, she just looks old, fat, and like she possibly has a penis.

Malcolm McDowell
Okay…Okay…Malcolm McDowell is relatively famous. I know that. But, when he first busted on to the scene in 1974 people were practically crapping themselves. His iconic big time debut in Clockwork Orange is often heralded is one of the greatest performances in one of the greatest movies of all time. He followed this up with an acclaimed showing in the movie O Lucky Man. It was all going peachy for McDowell until he made the ill-advised decision to star in a small little movie called Caligula. Word to wise, folks—if you want a successful career, try to avoid starring in erotic epics that take place in ancient times. Don’t believe me? Check out the glorious Oliver Stone directed ditty entitled Alexander. It’s somewhere in the bargain bin at your local Wal-Mart. Trust me.

Maybe it’s just my own crazy view of things, but it seems that my boy Malcolm just couldn’t recover from that fatal encounter with on-screen Roman love. Sure, he’s been working consistently since then, but he never managed to recapture the same level of panache he had initially. Back in the day, when you heard the name Malcolm McDowell you thought “talented and daring thespian.” Mention his name now and you just hear fart noises.

Robert Patrick
The T-1000. That’s really all that really needs to be said. When Terminator 2: Judgment Day came out, I remember Robert Patrick got some substantial buzz. People were already calling him out to be the next go-to action star in the vein of Bruce Willis and Mel “Sugar-Tits” Gibson. Well, as it turns out, playing a robot on screen isn’t necessarily the best showcase for someone’s acting ability. Sure he was cool as the stoic shape shifter, but the roles never really progressed from there. After the initial collective circle jerk from the Hollywood hype machine, Patrick’s roles became like a fruitful sampling of what appears on Cinemax at 3 o’clock in the morning (i.e. something with both boobs and ninjas in it).

Robert Patrick’s story can easily be compared to other hyped action stars who never really amounted to much. In fact, this spot on the list is like a shout out to the Dolph Lundgren’s and Christian Slater’s of the world.  Their lights dimmed before they even had a chance to really shine. Such stories may be tragic, but they do prove one very important thing: Boobs and Ninjas are a lethal combination.

The Entire Cast of the Breakfast Club
Hear me out on this one folks, but I think I’ve discovered a monumental conspiracy. The Breakfast Club may seem like an ordinary movie, but really it was a sly plot by Hollywood fat cats to eventually destroy the careers of all its lead actors. Let’s looks at the facts. Judd Nelson? Went on to appearances in a TV movie entitled “Cyber Mutt” and a starring turn in the Shaquille O’Neal classic, Steel. Molly Ringwald? Following her clout as a teen starlet, she faded into grown-up obscurity. Often used as the punch line for jokes in articles very much like these. Emilio Estevez? Became the Mighty Duck Man, also dealt with continuous questions concerning the reasons why his last name isn’t “Sheen.” Ally Sheedy? Lots of bad TV work and a brief cameo appearance in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Anthony Michael Hall? Became Anthony Michael Hall.

So, there you have it, ladies and germs. The entire cast of the Breakfast Club started with such high hopes, and then dissolved slowly into the night. This just proves that starring in a John Hughes movie might just be the catalyst for your demise. I mean do you even remember what Jim Belushi did after Curly Sue? Uh…huh. Didn’t think so.

Later, kiddos. Ivan out.