Author: Ivan Kander

Ahh…movies! It’s only in this mystical land of celluloid that everybody has a unique or quirky name like “Juno” or “Ivan.” Well, after digging through several scientific reports and elaborate historical documents *cough*IMDb*cough*, I’ve managed to create a definitive list of the top five coolest movie character names. These names are the phattest of the phat. The neatest of the neat. The Bee’s Knees (if you are from the 1920’s).  I mean, just think how different the playground beatings of your childhood would have gone if you were named like the following characters. Sure you still would have gotten your ass kicked, but at least the bullies taunting you would be yelling something cool.

Boba Fett, Star Wars
Before George Lucas specialized in a career of eating cheeseburgers and designing CGI prairie dogs, he used to actually make movies…good movies. Back when he was constructing the Star Wars Trilogy, he included a minor character—a bounty hunter that flew in penis shaped ship and wore a large, shiny helmet. I’m talking about Boba Fett here, folks. And, if you don’t know who that is, time to hand in your nerd credentials.

I doubt that Lucas ever intended for Boba Fett to become as popular as he did—as is evidenced by his total wussy death by desert pit—but, regardless of Lucas’s intentions, the Fett became a nerd icon. My guess for his popularity? None other than his super cool name. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t mess with an intergalactic bounty hunter named Boba Fett—that’s a moniker you just have to respect. Plus, he’s mysterious, wears a cape, has a raspy voice, and wears a jetpack. And, let’s face it, chicks dig jet packs….(and large penises).

Tyler Durden, Fight Club
“People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.” Sure, it may be the opening line to Fight Club, but to be honest, even in the real world I’d be asking about Tyler Durden. That name just sounds so damn cool. It belongs on VIP guest lists next to the likes of Kanye West and Abe Frohman, the Sausage King of Chicago. Heck, Durden’s name is so cool that there’s even an entire website named after it.

After a lot of thought, I’m thinking of naming my first kid Tyler Durden. Sure, he’ll be forever exposed to a lifetime of unyielding teasing and pop-culture harassment, but the little guy needs to learn how to become a man somehow. Fight the good fight, young Durden. Daddy needs you to make me some soap…

Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride
Some kids dress up as Indiana Jones or Luke Skywalker. I pretended to be Inigo Montoya from the Princess Bride. The main reason was because that name is just so darn awesome and fun to say. How else do you explain the popularity of the line “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,”? As a kid, I’d run around the house with a toy sword saying that over and over again. Occasionally, I still do the same thing. Though, I must admit, people find my lack of pants “unnerving.” At least that’s what it says on the restraining order…

Regardless, I’m just happy I managed to avoid the undesirable fate of the real Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin). Social obscurity and a failed Showtime series—it’s something I wouldn’t even wish on my most hated enemies. Dead Like Me…FTW!

Keyser Soze/Verbal Kint
Spoiler Alert: Keyser Soze is Verbal Kint (or Brent Moore, depending on your allegiance to the geekscape forums). Seriously, if you didn’t know that, you suck, plain and simple. Now that we got that little “twist” out of the way, let’s reflect on the pure awesomeness of the those names. First, we have Keyser Soze, a title both unique and hardcore, simultaneously causing fear and intrigue at its very pronunciation, much like the term “Rusty Trombone.” Props on the screenwriter for not wussing out with something generic, but still managing to keep it believable.  The name Soze gets high marks on both its strength and breathtaking beauty. In a related story, so does my manly physique. *flexes*

Verbal Kint is another name that amps up the cool factor. There’s just something about the name “Verbal” that’s so awesome. A certain je ne sais quoi, if you will. Ironically, Verbal Kint did very poorly on his SAT’s.

John Matrix
Back in 1985 they still made action flicks the American way—hard, fast, and simple, just the way your mom likes it (hi-oh! *high five’s guy next to him*). Commando is a movie for men who like doing manly things like: shaving, cutting down trees, and listening to Cher. Uh…I mean Metallica. Grrr! Football!

If there was any doubt that this movie was a cinematic masterpiece, it’s assuaged as soon as the main character’s name is revealed—John Matrix. John Matrix! Now, that’s a name you just don’t f-ck with. Just hearing that name makes me want to break someone’s neck or shoot some kind of high velocity rifle. So, who starred in this masterpiece of testosterone and rocket launchers, none other than the governator himself. Mr. Ah-Nold Schwarzenegger. I mean, in this movie, he is so damn American that he even speaks with an Austrian accent. The stars and stripes salute you Mr. Matrix. Your name and film are both flawless. Now, go let off some steam, Bennett…

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of the Worst Movie Ever Podcast! He is often said to be “too cool for school.”

As I sit here, wearing this monocle and methodically rubbing my handlebar mustache, I reflect on the cornucopia of onscreen movie villains: some good, some bad, and some forgettable. The sign of a truly great villain? None other than an awesome and truly malicious scheme. But instead of honoring the smartest of the smart, the craftiest of the crafty, today I’ve decided to point out those movie villains who’ve earned a seat on the tiny bus to evil school. They may have had big dreams, but really they just deserved an even bigger safety helmet. I humbly present, the Top Five Most Improbable Movie Villain Schemes. *Presses fingers together and cackles*

Saw, Jigsaw
The entire Saw series is essentially like a really long and twisted reinterpretation of Mouse Trap–you know, the old board game that your siblings always lost the pieces to. Well, if catching a plastic mouse via a Rube Goldberg device is ridiculous, how about basing an entire movie franchise around it?

Sure, the marketing team behind the Saw movies want you to believe that they’re a clever and grim indictment on a society hell bent on consumerism, but really they’re just a collection of plot holes and totally improbable schemes that would have no chance in hell of working in real life. To clarify (and to spoil), the serial killer/psychopath Jigsaw wants to reform people by placing them in a series of deadly traps. The point? They’ll appreciate life once they’ve almost lost it.   Now that’s all well and good, but the amount of coincidence and luck necessary for these little plots to be carried out is is flabbergasting. Yeah, like being in a reverse bear trap of doom would really get you to kick your heroin habit. Good for you, nutbar. Have a cookie…

None of Jigsaw’s overly elaborate, nefarious schemes would ever work in reality and that’s why they earn a spot on this list. In fact, it’s more likely that  Duke Nukem Forever will get released or Brett Ratner will make a movie that doesn’t involve a wise-cracking Black guy. Gosh…sometimes the Saw franchise just makes me long for the classic, nicer days of torture porn–like those tasteful snuff films I used to make in my basement…I mean…uh…hey, what’s that!? *runs away*

xXx, Yorgi
After the success of the Fast and the Furious, Vin Diesel segued his popularity into a brand new action franchise–the triple-wank worthy xXx. In the movie, Diesel plays Xander Cage, a renegade tough guy who is commissioned by the U.S. government to bring down a terrorist organization called Anarchy 99 run by an ex-Russian soldier named Yorgi (which when said really fast sounds just like “You’re Gay”). Possible subtext? Hmm?

Anywho, Yorgi’s master scheme is to destroy major world cities by–now stick with me here–using an automated submarine that launches chemical weapons. Now, I hate to be a Debbie Downer here, but there are a couple of things that are inherently moronic about this plan. First off, good ole’ Yorgi’s organization is called “Anarchy 99.” A little obvious, don’t you think? Perhaps it’s not the best idea to name your super-secret, lawless, terrorist organization “Anarchy 99.” That’s like playing Magic the Gathering in high school and not expecting to get your ass beat. Granted, you are dealing with Vin Diesel, but maybe some more time should have been put into the whole “naming” meeting. Second, a fricking submarine? Maybe I’m just a purist, but can’t these terrorists do it the old fashioned way? With, I don’t know, a car bomb or a bus bomb or some other type of land-based bomb? No, they have to get all fancy schmancy on us and use an automated submarine. Well la-dee-dah, Your Majesty! Good luck with your flux capacitor, you pretentious jerks…

Catwoman, Laurel Hedare
Back in 2004 Warner Brothers studio executives (i.e. a bunch of white guys in suits who have never actually seen a movie), thought it would be a good idea to give the character of Catwoman its own intellectual property. “Batman, did really well! Why don’t we give Catwoman a shot. Heck, we can even throw some hot actress in there and hire a bad French music video director! Awesome! Now, let’s go back to molesting strippers and snorting coke off each other’s necks!”

Well, sadly, like most real life villains, their delusion became a reality. Catwoman’s release was met with public apathy and numerous whiney forum posts from the nerd community. Beyond the fact that the main character had absolutely no resemblance to her comic book counterpart and that it was critically slammed, the movie just happens to feature one of the most improbable, and altogether idiotic, villain schemes. Laurel Hedare (played by Sharon Stone as she slowly drifts into obscurity) is a cosmetic mogul who is pushing a product into store shelves that initially makes the skin look more beautiful, but overtime causes it to decay if not continually applied. So, basically it mimics the horrendous and altogether devastating effects of malicious, habit-inducing drugs. Except…you know…it’s a fucking beauty product!

Apparently, Sharon Stone’s malicious plot forces people to continually buy her product in order to survive…so she must be hellbent on making a ton of money in order to take over the world, or alternatively turn Mary Kay salespeople into malicious, soul sucking psychopaths bent on total domination…on second thought, she’s already too late on that one. In any event, I guess you could give the writers some credit for at least coming up with a scheme that’s relatively unique, albeit completely illogical. Then again, c’mon! Killer cosmetics? Retarded much?

Moonraker, Hugo Drax
For the most part, pretty much any James Bond movie deserves a spot on this list. When it comes to improbable villainous schemes, this franchise pretty much has the market cornered. In Moonraker, however, the crazy meter gets amped up to 11. Hugo Drax, a billionaire space shuttle mogul (apparently these exist) attempts to destroy all human life by launching a deadly toxin into the earth’s atmosphere. He plans to survive this biological smack-down by hiding out in his giant, secret space station where he just happens to have transported several “genetically perfect” dozen young men and women. The goal? Have these super-beings create a master race to eventually repopulate the earth. So, in other words, he’s sort of like Hitler, but with a quirky penchant for disco fashion and an odd desire to see some uncensored space humping. In any event, set your phasers to “completely, f-ing impossible.”

Signs, The Aliens
Now, technically the “aliens” in Signs aren’t villains in a traditional “I-want-to-hold-the-world-for-ransom” sense, but when it comes to sheer improbability and stupidity their scheme unquestionably wins the Special Olympics. For the uninitiated, in the movie, Aliens–who are allergic to water–attempt to take over the Earth, which is in fact 71% covered in water. That’s like me heading to the local gay bar to pickup chicks–the odds really aren’t in my favor, and even if I find one, “she’s” still probably a dude.

Signs is made even more improbable by the addition of random crop circles that the aliens use to “communicate” with each other. So, the aliens may have mastered the space time continuum and inter-galactic travel, but they need to make crop circles in order to talk to each other? Communication technology hasn’t seemed that archaic since the last time I saw Zach Morris use a cell phone on Saved by the Bell. Seriously folks, cavemen accomplished more by grunting and clubbing each other on the head.

I realize that there are those out there who defend this movie by saying “it’s not really about the aliens, it’s about a man’s rediscovery of faith.” Well, that’s all well and good, Mr. Fancy pants, but at the end of the day, if that’s the point of your movie, why the hell do you even need Aliens in the first place? And, if you are going the extra-terrestrial route, why not at least make them seem relatively smart? Or at least smart enough to make choices that a race that has mastered intergalactic travel would make?

I’m just glad that after this movie M. Night Shyamalan went on to other, more important, films like Lady in the Water, The Village, and The Happening…Oh…wait…never-mind. *sad trumpet sound*

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He is a megalomaniac that is planning on taking over the world.

Admittedly, this Top Five topic might seem a bit…off. An entire list devoted to the crazy works of Sir Nicholas Cage? “Poppycock!” you might cry. One retarded movie is understandable, but five? After all, Nicholas Cage used to be a respectable actor who would appear in classy, artistic fare. How is it possible that he has slipped this far?

Well calm down Whiney McWhine-Whine. You see, around 10 years ago, Nic Cage (oscar winner) made a fateful decision to stop “reading” scripts, and instead choose potential projects using a broken wishbone and the sage advice from his invisible pet unicorn. If you glance at Nicholas Cage’s filmography, his last dozen or so movies look like the twisted and sick thoughts that Gary Busey writes in his nightly journal (i.e. killer honey bees, bear suits, time travel, and conspiracies involving the president). So, in honor of the recent release of Knowing in theaters nationwide, I thought I’d delve into the world of Nicholas Cage.

The sad thing is that this list could just as easily been comprised of five totally different Cage movies. I actually spent several hours minutes trying to weigh the varying levels of ridiculousness from one Nicholas cage film to the next (i.e. Nic’s hair is completely insane in both Next and Bangkok Dangerous, but the addition of future visions and a creepy relationship with Jessica Biel give Next the nod). Seriously, the process became as arbitrary and pointless…as…um…watching a Nicholas Cage movie. So, in the end, I just covered my eyes and started randomly pointing at my computer screen like an uncoordinated fat kid swings at a piñata. But, in my particular case, that piñata is filled with bat feces.

Let the craziness commence…

National Treasure (1 and 2)
The concept for the National Treasure series is like listening to one of your annoying friends try to explain his incomprehensible dreams to you: “You see…there was a treasure map on the Declaration of Independence, and I traveled to the north pole where there was money underneath New York City…and Jon Voight was my father!”
Basically, both movies in this series are what happens when you combine Jerry Bruckheimer, a room full of chimps, and a seventh grade history textbook. I’m sure many sorts of drugs were also involved.

Although both films eventually reveal the location of a gigantic treasure, they do fail to provide the explanations of even greater and more compelling mysteries. For instance, how is it that the gorgeous Diane Kruger is even remotely attracted to a freakish, lankish zombie of a man who wears funny sunglasses? Furthermore, why does it always look like Nic Cage is wearing a disguise of himself?

Con-Air
I’m convinced that the Cage took this role strictly for the hair style. After all, whenever Nic Cage sports a long-haired “I’m-a-Nickelback-fan” coiffure, you know you’re in for a treat. Let me bring you up to speed: Con-Air came out way back in 1997 hot on the heels of  the another Nic Cage action-fest, the Rock. As a result, the majority of theater patrons thought it was the exact same movie and kept on waiting for Sean Connery to show up. Here, Cage plays Cameron Poe, reformed ex-con, on the way home to greet his perfect wife and daughter. Unfortunately for him, the transport plane gets hijacked by a bunch of brutal criminals that Poe must stop. Admittedly, this plot sounds very much like it was written by the dumb brother in Adaptation.

Obviously, the movie reaches the pinnacle of ridiculousness when Cage brutally kills a man over a stuffed animal.  Hmm…sounds a transcript from my last date… “Put… the bunnah’… back… in the box.”

Ghost Rider
This is Geekscape after all, so a comic book reference is sort of a requirement. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for us, Nicholas Cage just happens to be a huge comic book fan (he named his kid Kal-El for god-sake). So, in 2007, Cage gave us the film adaptation of Ghost Rider. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not very familiar with the titular (hee, hee “tit”) character, but if I were to make an assumption based on this movie I would say that Ghost Rider is an autistic, semi-retarded lizard man whose head sometimes bursts into flames.  Keeping the creep train on its tracks, this film also features yet another love interest who is far too pretty to be attracted to Nicholas Cage. This time, it’s Eva Mendes. Seriously, folks, if they can’t even make Cage’s hair look real how are we supposed to buy the fact that an incredibly beautiful woman would be into that?

Word on the streets is that Ghost Rider 2 is already fast-tracked into production. As long as we get more montages of Sir Nicholas screaming wildly, I’m sold. Homeboy’s got the “I’m-in-pain-but-oddly-enjoying-it” expression down–basically the number one trait I look for in a woman.

Next
I actually saw Next in the theater. I’m not quite sure what that says about me, but I’m assuming it can’t be good (call me, ladies). For the uninformed, Next is supposedly based on a Philip K. Dick sci-fi short story about a man who has the ability to see into the future. However, like all Dick adaptations (hee, hee: “dick adaptations”), this one pretty much gets everything wrong. For one thing, it stars Nicholas Cage, but, for some other inexplicable reason it also has Julianne Moore slumming it and Jessica Biel as the requisite “I’m too good for Nick Cage, but I’m still the love interest, gosh my agent sucks” character.

Cage plays Cris Johnson (If you spell your name “Cris,” I already want to stab you)–a telepathic genius who uses his amazing abilities to perform as um…a cheap magician at seedy casinos. I, mean, seriously…if you had awesome superpowers, what else would you be doing with your time? As the plot gets going, there’s bunch of stuff about nuclear weapons, generic terrorists, and the government. I don’t really remember the details, per se, because I was too fixed on Nic’s stringy hairdo–it looks like his forehead has gone rogue and is beginning to eat the rest of his body. Hey…wait a minute…throw in some explosions and that sounds like the plot for the next Michael Bay movie. It’s gonna be awesome! Awesome…AWESOME!

The Wicker Man
Sometimes writing one of these articles is just too damn easy. Nicholas Cage’s filmography may be a kalediscope of crazy, but words can barely describe the Wicker Man, the mind-numbing 2006 remake of the 1973 horror classic. It’s sort of sad when a youtube compilation of random clips from the movie is  infinitely more entertaining than the actual film. I haven’t actually seen The Wicker Man in it’s entirety, but I have watched Nic Cage punch a woman while wearing a bear suit. If that’s not grounds for complete and utter ridiculousness, I don’t know what is.

It’s movies like the Wicker Man that remind us how far Nicholas Cage has come and far he has fallen. By now, I’m convinced that at the Coppola’s Thanksgiving Dinner, Cage is resigned to sit at the kiddy table with all the other famous has-beens. Him and Francis definitely have an epic battle over the last drumstick. I mean, c’mon, Godfather was so thirty years ago…

Got a problem with my picks? Well, sir, look at the picture below. That should clear some things up.

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He secretly loves Guarding Tess.

Greetings, brahs. This week I delve into what is sure to be sensitive territory–the elusive school yard bully. I’m sure some (i.e. all) of us have dealt with a bully in real life, so what better way to represent our unbearable pain and sordid memories than through the purifying lens of movies? Damn, it’s moments like this when I wish I had lists like this to help me get through puberty. I really could have used that in high school. I mean, uh, junior high.

Scut Farcus, A Christmas Story
As TBS likes to remind us every Christmas (in between re-runs of Saved By the Bell and constant, unbearable ads for Frank TV), A Christmas Story is quite simply a holiday classic. And, right smack in between a smattering of Red Ryder BB Guns and Pink Bunny costumes, there’s Scut Farkus–the stereotypical little school bully that brings out the childhood fear in all of us. This little bastard is the epitome of mean, picking on our hero Ralphie as often as I make fun of Kirsten Dunst (I’m at 94.63% chance of a Dunst joke per article by now). Since Scut represents the iconic bully of old fashioned school-time lore, he easily makes a spot on this list. He’s just so damn vicious…what with his (so-help-me-god!) yellow eyes and grungy hat that looks like it was made of roadkill. My special stamp of approval goes to Scut’s obligatory shrimp of a sidekick, the newsie-hat wearing Grover Dill.

Mike Dexter, Can’t Hardly Wait.
“Mike Dexter is a role model!” “Mike Dexter is a God!” These are just a few of the superlatives thrown at Mike Dexter, the generic jock from the 1998 high school classic, Can’t Hardly Wait. Sure there are more memorable bullies out there, but Mike Dexter is just sort of classic in his blandness. He is to fictional bullies what Chris Evans is to pretty much all of Hollywood. Plus, I felt it was a good idea to give Peter Facinelli some love. After all, right about now, I’m sure he’s boarded up in some grimy Los Angeles motel living off ramen noodles and uncashed royalty checks from Fastlane.

There are some who would say that Mike Dexter isn’t worthy of this list…that I should have instead picked one of the plethora of bad boys that were a dominate presence in John Hughes movies and their subsequent 80’s ripoffs. Well, I chose Dexter because it seems to me that the “teen-comedy-sub-genre” (insert pretentious wanking motion here) is practically a dying art–much like speaking Latin or the career of Ashton Kutcher. Can’t Hardly Wait stands out as the highlight from the last great teen comedy boom of the late 90’s. It was a simpler time when boy bands were ubiquitous and Carson Daly was still socially relevant. Essentially, Mike Dexter is the perfect embodiment of the stereotypical pre-2000 Abercrombie and Fitch wearing douchebag, and therefore by choosing it, I was hoping to capture a sense of unmistakable adolescent nostalgia and psychosemantic Freudian logic. In conclusion, I will fight you.

Heather Chandler, Heathers
Proving that a good bully doesn’t have to be male, I humbly present to you Heather Chandler, the bitch-tacular leader of the popular high school girls clique in Heathers. If this movie taught me anything, it’s that girl bullies are probably much worse than their boy counterparts because they attack their victims psychologically instead of physically. It’s this kind of horrendous teasing and pressure that causes fat girls to eat their feelings and cry in gym class.

Heathers gets extra-props for being the movie that helped launch the careers of Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty, and Winona Ryder. Coincidentally, all three them are in a place right now, career-wise, where they’ll appear in Direct-to-DVD crapola, TV voiceovers, and Lifetime original movies where women get beaten with metal poles.
A special nod goes to the crazy 80’s fashion in this movie. Shoulder pads, electric colors, teased hair…Oh, Winona, you’ve shoplifted my heart! (Ya see what I did there, kids?)*

*Self-congratulatory 10-year-old joke alert! 

Biff Tannen, Back to the Future
Ahh…Biff! Appearing in all three Back to the Future movies (in various forms), Biff is the “butthead” yelling dolt that acts as a perfect foil to the quick-witted and spry Marty McFly (hey, that rhymes!) Besides starring in one of the greatest movie trilogies ever, Biff earns a spot on this list for basically embodying every type of bully imaginable–adult bully, old man bully, futuristic bully, school age bully, Wild West Bully…Wooly Bully (hint: that last one is made up…and admittedly cheesey).

I’m not sure if the actor playing Biff ever went on do anything else of importance. Yes, I realize I could look this up on imdb, but I’m also a lazy jackass. So, I’m just going to assume his real name is Farts O’Houlihan and that he went on to found an Irish Sports bar in Boston. Imaginary facts are fun! *returns to coloring book*

Johnny Lawrence, Karate Kid
Was there every any doubt about this one? Played by William Zabka–the platinum coifed ultimate 80’s bad boy–Johnny Lawrence is the very definition of bully. As you watch him prance around smugly in that black Cobra Cai gitup, you can almost smell the rare breed of douche that you’re dealing with. If Johnny Lawrence were around today he would be wearing a striped shirt and smell strongly of Axe Bodyspray. Whenever you watch the Karate Kid, you hate Johnny so much that sometimes you’re even able to ignore the fact that Ralph Macchio may just be the worst actor of all time.

As an interesting side note, William Zabka also played excellent bullies in at least two other films (possibly more…again I’m far too lazy to be sure). Check out Just One of the Guys  and the Rodney Dangerfield classic, Back to School to get in your fix. You know, for playing so many iconic bullies, I bet he’s actually a pretty nice guy in real life…because he’s an actor, you see. And, actors act like someone else…that is unless you’re Keanu Reaves.

Until next time and don’t forget to sweep the leg!

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He derives his super powers from drinking the tears of the unborn.

Word on the street is that a new President has taken office in the good ole’ U.S. of A. You might be expecting me to comment on this momentous occasion. Then again, I’m a moron, so that’s probably not the best idea. Seriously…I’m the guy that has trouble opening the tops of aspirin bottles.  To mask my stupidity, I turn once again to the warm, loving embrace of movies. This week, I present the Top Five Movie Presidents. Hail to the Chief, Baby…

President Thomas J. Whitmore — Independence Day
I admire two people in this world and one of them just happens to be Bill Pullman (the other is the dude who invented the Swiffer…that thing just rocks my world). Honestly, who better to lead our country through an Alien invasion than Mr. Raspy voice himself? President Thomas J. Whitmore is the complete package—a great orator, a killer fighter pilot, a true family man. Plus, he has the balls to go out and stomp enemy tail while flying next to the Fresh Prince himself (Welcome to, Erf!)

Huge explosions and computer viruses aside, what it really comes down to is this: If the country was under attack by killer tentacle aliens hell bent on world domination, who would you want in power? Yup…that’s right…the answer is incontrovertibly Bill “Newsies” Pullman. Granted, that situation is completely hypothetical…then again, so are my pants. Feel the breeze, boys!

President William H. Mitchell/Dave Kovic — Dave
I have a soft spot for this high concept comedy about an average joe presidential impersonator who has to fill in for the actual President when the real Commander and Chief has a heart attack. Yes, I realize the plot for this movie is about as likely me scoring with Mila Kunis, but sometimes you’ve just got to bow down to the glorious wonder of movie logic.

You see, in the movie, Dave takes control over the nation and proves that compassion and good intentions are all that it takes to save the country (and hook up with the First Lady). It may be illogical, but it’s sweet and sappy in a good kind of way. Oh, and Mila? Call me….

Unnamed Douchebag President — Love Actually
Minimal screen-time aside, this one makes the list for sheer guts alone. You’ve just got to admire a movie that has the kahunas to portray the U.S. president as a bumbling hick who’s most pressing political matter is an ill advised attempt to try and bang the British Prime Minister’s secretary. I do think it’s funny that English filmmaker Richard Curtis basically includes the U.S. President in the movie strictly to poke fun at how dumb Americans are. At first, that may seem harsh…but after all, this is the country where Paul Blart: Mall Cop was number 1 at the box office . Don’t you get it? It’s funny because he’s f-cking fat! *takes swig of beer, goes back to watching cops*

A special kudos goes out to Billy Bob Thorton for managing to take on the type of ignorant and coarse idiot role that he’s be playing for the past 10 years. Way to test your range, buddy!

President Lindberg — The Fifth Element
Barack Obama may be getting tons of press for being the first African American president, but in my mind, true racial equality hit the mainstream in 1995 with Luc Besson’s The Fifth Element. In the movie, society is on the verge of being destroyed by an ancient, mythical evil. And, while Bruce Willis may be the dude who ultimately saves the day, you’ve got to admire a futuristic society that is led by none other than Tommy “Tiny” Lister himself.  In case you’re unaware, Tiny Lister is a 6’5” former professional wrestler/shot-put champion who has appeared in about a gajillion movies. In fact, this past summer he played the tattooed prisoner on the riverboat with the creepy eye in The Dark Knight.

The Fifth Element is awesome because you finally get to see Lister playing against type. Normally, he’s the type of character actor who usually ends up playing “Generic Street Thug 7” or the “Anonymous Rapist” in pretty much every Lifetime Movie. So, really–if you think about it–the Fifth Element is like the Rosa Parks of weird French new wave Sci-Fi. My only complaint? The outfits they force Lister (and the rest of the cast) to wear are completely ridiculous. Seriously, if movies have taught me anything it’s this: In the future, we will all dress like emo douchebags.

President Andrew Shepherd — The American President
I love The American President…and I say that completely without any sense of irony. I’m of the opinion that this flick–penned by West Wing wunderkid/crack addict Aaron Sorkin and directed by Rob Reiner–may just be the best romantic comedy ever made. Everyone is on the top of their game for this movie: Michael Douglas appears suave and intelligent, Annette Bening is actually pretty hot, and Michael J. Fox managed to take some time off from his busy schedule of whining about Parkinson’s to actually act (Yes, Virginia, I am going to Hell). Douglas’ Andrew Shepherd is the perfect President–smart, strong, compassionate, honest, and, therefore, completely unrealistic.

I  will go on record saying that the script for the movie is relatively flawless. It makes you appreciate the office of the President on a new level. When you hear Michael Douglas deliver his impassioned climactic speech at the end, it’s almost enough to make you believe in the political process all over again. Almost.

[Editor’s Note: We will eventually forgive Ivan for forgetting one of our favorite Movie Presidents:

]

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He voted for Ross Perot. Twice.

Amidst the cornucopia of cuddly bears and rainbows that makes up the landscape of children’s cinema, there is a dark, seedy underbelly–an assortment of scenes that inexplicably show up in kid-centered fare with the sole purpose of fucking you up. The following list contains the Top Five Scary Scenes in movies that are otherwise meant for a young audience.

Alright…deep breath now…this could be tough…I’m still trying to get over my traumatic first viewing of Ferngully. Save the Rainforest, man!

Nightmare Before Christmas — Oogie Boogie
The Nightmare Before Christmas scared the crap out of me as a kid. Yeah, I know, it’s largely considered a holiday classic by film critics and angst-ridden fourteen year-olds who hate their parents. That still doesn’t change the fact that it’s actually pretty creepy. Maybe it’s the stop motion animation. Maybe it’s the grim sets and imaginative character designs – or, as my last girlfriend suggested, maybe I’m just a huge pussy…

My crippling social phobias aside, the thing in The Nightmare Before Christmas that scared me the most was definitely the character of Oogie Boogie. For some reason, the idea of a bogeyman made out of burlap sacks containing thousands of disgusting bugs and assorted insects made my skin crawl. You know–it’s that cold, uncanny, feeling you get when you see something innately frightening, or right before you have to take a huge dump.

To make matters worse, Disney seems intent on making me relive my childhood horror over and over each year. In what has become a holiday tradition, The Nightmare Before Christmas keeps coming back to theaters every holiday season, sometimes even in 3D. Whenever my friends suggest that I go with them to see it, I slowly point to the sky and yell “WHAT’S THAT!” When their heads are turned, I stealthily prance out of sight. I’m a master of deception, you see…

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom — Everything
Yeah, I realize that this might not technically be considered a “kids movie,” but I’m guessing that if you grew up in the 80s and 90s that a certain Dr. Jones was a permanent fixture in your VCR (or Betamax, if your family sucked). After all, what’s a better choice for unintentionally scary movie than the film that literally invented the PG-13 rating?

Little history lesson for ya: Before Temple of Doom the MPAA’s rating system made a comically ridiculous jump from PG to R. Well, a man by the name of Steven Spielberg set out to change all of that nonsense with his second Indiana Jones film. To call this sucker disturbing is like saying that Kirsten Dunst is only slightly hideous–it’s such a gross understatement that it borders on being a flat out lie [Editor’s Note: Kirsten Dunst is a beautiful woman. Suck it, Ivan!]. Frankly, Temple of Doom is just plain messed up. I would point out one scene in particular, but this thing just keeps the terror coming: Dudes eating monkey brains and snakes, guy ripping out people’s hearts, child slave labor, people drinking mystical blood…it’s sort of like Mickey Rourke’s life five years ago.  The lava pit in the temple still gives me the willies, what with Mola Ram’s freaky chanting and that weird hindu mind control. As a dying Mister Kurtz would say, “The Horror…The Horror…”

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure — Large Marge
If you need proof that Tim Burton is a complete nutbar, I suggest watching the infamous “Large Marge” trucker scene in Pee Wee’s Big adventure. Precisely one shot–that’s all this movie needs to transition from harmless family flick to the most terrifying thing on the face of the planet. Seriously, Mr. Burton, was it necessary to give me nightmares for the entirety of my childhood? Large Marge’s “face” continues to haunt me even today.

In fact, I don’t want to think about it any more. I’d rather ponder more interesting Tim Burton related enigmas. For instance, how did he manage to land the hot piece of tail that is Helena Bonham Carter? I mean, that just doesn’t make any sense. Is it mind control? Blackmail? Drugs? Yeah, my money’s on mind control. Really, it’s the only logical explanation…

E.T. — Guys in Bio-Suits
E.T. joins The Nightmare Before Christmas on the list of movies that inexplicably scared the crap out of me as a kid. It might be tough for some to admit, but I don’t think I’m necessarily alone on this one. Often, E.T. is heralded as a Steven Spielberg masterwork–a profound milestone in the career of a visionary directory. Now, I’m usually not one to argue with those smarter than myself (all three of you), but I gotta say that this movie just creeps me out. Contrary to popular opinion, E.T. is not cute. As far as fictional movie puppet aliens go, Yoda is cute. E.T. on the other-hand looks like a disturbing cross between Nicole Ritchie and those fetal pigs you used to have to dissect in biology class.

Surprisingly, the part that gave me the most trouble as a kid occurs towards the end when all the government agents take over the Elliott’s house. Seeing all those freakish scientists in their creepy hazmat suits had me shaking in my footsie pajamas. E.T: The Extra Terrestrial? More like E.T: The Extra-TERROR-estrial. Am I right? High five? Anyone?

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory — The Psychedelic Boat Ride
Growing up, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was easily one of my favorite movies. It was on constant repeat along with other cinematic gems such as the Sandlot and 3 Ninjas. When one particular scene came up, though, I’d always make a mad dash for the fast forward button. That’s right…you know what I’m talking about…the most infamous scene of them all: a certain bizarre trip down a certain chocolate river. And, no, I’m not talking about your friend Lance’s Saturday night…

Willy Wonka’s Psychedelic boat ride of doom is without a doubt the scariest moment in a movie made for kids. What group of sick sum’a bitches thought that it was a good idea to just randomly throw in an LCD infused freakout right in the middle of this movie? Before that scene, it’s all gum drops, chocolate, and orange skinned midgets. Then, BAM! Out of nowhere things take a very dark turn. You’ve got snakes, bugs, rodents, Gene Wilder’s unnerving chant. It’s the type of creep-level that’s on par with Dateline’s To Catch A Predator or even Gilmore. Sure, it starts out with innocent online conversations and phone calls; but, before you know it, there’s some middle-aged dude from Alabama in your house reaching for your privates and twisting the cap off a wine cooler. Uncle Josh, shame on you!

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He stole this top five idea from a Geekscape forum topic. He’s creative like that…

Rise and shine, ladies and gents–a new year is upon us! As we prepare to once again make lofty resolutions that we have no chance in hell of keeping, I suggest we turn to the exciting future of the local cineplex. The following movies are the ones you should be jonesing for the most (complete with reasons why they will probably be immensely disappointing). As a sidenote, you may notice that I left off G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Why? Well, I pretty much know that one’s gonna suck…

Moving on…

Inglourious Basterds

The Gist:
This summer, Quentin Tarantino returns to the world of big boy directing with his next feature. The story? A group of Jewish soldiers are chosen specifically to strike fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis. After a year full of plastering his name on straight to DVD schlock and a foray into grindhouse cinema, it gets good to see Tarantino back to what he does best—making very violent movies that are also somehow “artistic.”

Why it will be awesome:
Quentin Tarantino does a World War II movie? Starring Brad Pitt? Sign me up. Think of the amazing visuals! The snappy dialog! The stylistic violence! The last time I saw a group of Jews this angry and unruly was in line at a sold-out Barbara Streisand concert. *cues rimshot*

Why it will suck:
I’m pretty sure that at this point Quentin Tarantino is so hopped up on coke and other hallucinogenic drugs that his conception of reality and quality has gone the way of the Dodo. Does anybody else remember Death Proof? That was potentially the most mind numbing 90 minutes I’ve spent in a theater since the time I “accidentally” saw Norbit. The casting has also caused some heads to turn. Both Mike “Love Guru” Myers and Eli “Douchebag” Roth are slated to play significant roles. And, while I’m all for watching Jews kick some Nazi ass, it is a bit rich to think that Brad Pitt can play a convincing fellow tribesman. Even with the porn stache he’s sporting for this film, he’s about as gentile as Kevin Bacon shopping for pork at Whole Foods on a Saturday morning. Oy vey!

Sherlock Holmes

The Gist:
Guy Ritchie takes his signature gritty, explosive style and applies it to the most famous sleuth of all time. That’s right, Sherlock Holmes hits the big screen with a dark and serious character reinterpretation this coming November. Donning the goofy hat and pipe? Non other than Mr. Robert Downey Jr.

Why it will be awesome:
Robert Downey Jr. is currently on the type of epic career resurgence that only a place as shallow and materialistic as Hollywood could provide. He kicked ass in Ironman and Tropic Thunder, so it’s hard to imagine that he won’t deliver the goods here. Ritchie seems like a good fit as a director. Plus, we’ve got Jude Law as Watson, who I’m sure will nail the role harder than his nanny (Hi-Ooo!). Success should be simply elementary…

Why it will suck:
The last time Guy Ritchie ventured outside his comfort zone (i.e. actually tried to make a movie that wasn’t exactly like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels), he gave us Swept Away—a movie so bad that even Madonna was embarrassed by it (and she used to wear traffic cones over her boobs). That type of track record doesn’t bode well for Mr. Holmes. And, you gotta wonder if the screenwriter is going to have the guts to make one of the actors say “No shit, Sherlock” at some point (preferably in a cameo by Samuel L. Jackson).

Star Trek

The Gist:
This summer, Star Trek goes all Batman Begins on us with a certified franchise revamp. With a talented young cast and a new stylistic approach, director J.J. Abrams is hell bent on proving that Star Trek is actually cool and not just reserved for the that rare breed of dork who wears capes in public and smells like stale tater-tots.

Why it will be awesome:
J.J. Abrams is directing. So, it’s bound to be filled with big budget effects, impressive visuals, neat story elements, clever dialogue, and zippy cliffhangers. Throw in a unique spin on an otherwise stagnant franchise, and you have all the ingredients necessary to achieve true nerdvana. If anything, this movie should remind us all of a time when Captain Kirk was still cool and wasn’t hocking discount airline tickets.

Why it will suck:
J.J. Abrams is directing. So, it’s bound to be loud, vapid, manipulative, annoying, and filled with horrendous rap-metal.
*slow motion motorcycle flies through a beautiful explosion* Oooo-wha-a-a-a! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Look for Star Trek: The Dawson’s Creek edition to hit theaters this coming May.

I Love You Man

The Gist:
In what is sure to be this year’s Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You Man is a comedy about a guy who desperately needs to find a best man for his upcoming nuptials. It’s the ultimate bromantic comedy that’s bound to strike that coveted comedy sweet spot that magically appeals to both men and women. In other words? Perfect date movie.

Why it will be awesome:
It’s a comedy with a clever premise starring Jason Segal, Paul Rudd, and my future wife, Rashida Jones. That’s a hard formula to mess with. Plus, the trailer is one of the funniest I’ve seen a while.

Why it will suck:
umm…I tried really hard to think of a reason why this movie could be bad, but Paul Rudd’s twinkling eyes and boyish good looks are keeping me from thinking straight. Kisses, Paul. Why haven’t you returned my phone calls? Hmm…maybe those nude pictures I sent were a little too forward…

Watchmen

The Gist:
The most famous graphic novel of all time—the one that established the medium as a credible literary art form—is finally being turned into a movie. At the helm is none other than 300 “auteur” Zach Snyder. Fans of super-heros, action, codpieces, and green screens rejoice!

Why it will be awesome:
It’s Watchmen! C’mon peeps, if the geek inside of you doesn’t perk up at the thought of seeing Rorschach kick ass or the Owl Ship take flight, then it’s time to hand in your nerd credentials. Plus, Snyder has painstakingly tried to stay true to the source material. That means no lame story changes and no crappy attempts to dumb stuff down for the masses (I’m looking at you V for Vendetta). The end of the world has never seemed so fresh and exciting. Who watches the Watchmen? Uh…I do…

Why it will suck:
There’s a reason that this movie took an eternity to get made. They say that Watchmen is unfilmable, and after recently rereading it, a small part of me tends to agree. It’s a story that is so intrinsically tied to the structure of a graphic novel, that the very thought of turning it into a compelling screenplay makes my head spin. Are people going to show up in the theater for three hours of heady super-hero depression and an eight foot tall naked blue dude? More importantly, is Zach Snyder capable of not using slow motion every five seconds? Only time will tell on this one. Oh, and that petty lawsuit from Fox over proprietary rights to the graphic novel certainly can’t help things. Regardless, I’ll be there on opening night, popcorn in hand…praying…

Looking forward to seeing you in the theater in ‘09. Ivan, out.

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. The movie he is most looking forward to seeing this year is The Pink Panther 2.

I know it may be shocking because I’m so smart and handsome, but occasionally I just don’t understand some movies. Now, I hate to feel stupid, so often times I just pretend to get them and nod my head rhythmically when intelligent professor types are talking. If they ever call me out on my ignorance, I simply grab their wrists and demand that they “stop hitting themselves.” It’s this type of spontaneous wit and craftiness that makes me a valuable asset in life threatening situations….

Oh…and yeah…the following movies make absolutely no sense.

Southland Tales
Filling the number five spot on this list is none other than Richard Kelly’s over-long, “I’m so smart” wankfest known as Southland Tales. If you’re not familiar with Southland Tales, let me briefly bring you up to speed. You see, it takes place in the near future where a porn star and action hero team up to stop the apocalypse from occurring in L.A. by writing a life changing screenplay while also traveling backwards in time to stop the messiah from closing a wormhole that might end the planet in a nefarious sea of political and military deception. Oh, and it’s also a musical. Makes perfect sense…

Richard Kelly is the dude who wrote and directed Donnie Darko. And, since that movie became a cultural phenomenon for cutters and kids who hate their parents, he thought he would amp up the crazy to 11 with Southland Tales. Well, let’s just say that his little experiment didn’t turn out so well. It’s an incomprehensible piece of pretentious dreck that has more plot-lines and characters than Angelina Jolie has babies. This movie has it all—and I don’t mean that in a good way. The cast includes (but isn’t limited to) The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Justin Timberlake, Cheri Oteri, Sean William Scott, Christopher Lambert, Kevin Smith, Wallace “Inconceivable” Shawn, Mandy Moore, Jon Lovitz, Bai Ling, Amy Poehler, and Janeane Garofalo. That’s the type of C-list celebrity talent you might find at a bad New Jersey Bar Mitzvah. If all this doesn’t sound nutty enough, there’s a part in the movie where two cars start having sex with one another. Seriously, folks, you can’t make this stuff up…

Persona
Persona is the type of movie that film school professors nerdgasm over. It’s Swedish filmmaker Ingmar Bergman at his most stylistic and introspective. Plus, since it came out in 1966, it’s got all sorts of moody black and white imagery. The story centers around a nurse who is put in charge of a mute actress (played by vintage hottie Liv Ullmann). Making things super weird, over time, the actress’ persona begins to meld with the nurse’s, thus creating a sort of double-being. It’s creepy, it’s confusing, it’s artistic, and, surprisingly, it’s pretty good.

Just so I can feel smarter than everybody else, I like to occasionally reference obscure Bergman movies like this one in everyday conversations. I mean, you should see the reactions I get while talking about Persona in line at the Sizzler Salad Bar. I don’t mean to brag, but that woman in the blue sweatpants and unicorn shirt was freaking impressed!

*Cleans off monocle. Skips away*

Primer
I’m one of the few people who saw the sci-fi indie Primer when it hit theaters in 2004. After it ended and the lights came back up, my brain hurt…as in it felt like there was a physical problem with my neural synapses. This is without a doubt the most confusing movie I’ve ever seen. To put it simply, Primer is a movie about time travel. But, this isn’t your Grandpa’s time travel flick with the over simplification and the De Loreans and the flux capacitors. No, Primer is for hardcore time travel nerds like me—the type of film that is as infuriating as it is engrossing (much like anime porn).

Seriously, if you haven’t seen this flick you probably should check it out. Just be sure to pull out your number two pencil and take lots of extensive notes. To clarify, watching Primer is a lot like trying to take off a girl’s bra for the first time in high school: it’s really clumsy, hard, and confusing, but the rewards are oh so wonderful.

2001: A Space Odyssey
Yeah…I know this is one of the most famous and revered movies of all time; but it still doesn’t make a lick of sense. Well, let me rephrase that…the last act of this film makes absolutely no sense. Up until that point, it’s a really cool, eerily prophetic sci-fi thriller about human evolution and our inherent dependence on technology. Then, it seems that Kubrick just throws up his hands and says “Ah…what the hell…it’s time to get CRAZY!” What results is a 20 minute psychadelic screen-saver that would make the Window’s flying toasters blush. This is then followed by a giant fetus in space. I’m sure there is some symbolic significance to that but I’m too easily distracted to try and figure it out. Hey, look…cookies!

Anything Ever Made by David Lynch
In my short time on this earth I’ve made two very important intellectual observations: 1.) Beer before liquor, never been sicker. 2.) David Lynch is batshit insane.

With the sole exception of The Straight Story (and possibly Dune), David Lynch’s career reads like the incoherent musings of a crazy homeless person—you know, the type that smells funny and has an imaginary friend named Mr. Mistoffelees. Just peruse his filmography: Lost Highway, Mullholand Dr., Eraserhead, Inland Empire, Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart. It’s clear that the man’s got issues.

Now, before the cinephiles start to bitch and moan, I’m not saying he isn’t talented. I think that Mullholand Dr. is incredibly entertaining and really cool. That being said, I’m not going to pretend for a second that I have any inkling what’s happening in that movie. One moment you’ve got Billy Ray Cyrus dancing around a kitchen and the next you have a hot lesbian sex scene between Naomi Watts and Laura Harring. It’s what I like to imagine Nick Cage’s life is like….

So, when it comes to movies that make absolutely no sense, David Lynch is incontrovertibly the master. By just looking at his piercing stare and swooping bouffant you can tell that the dude’s just nuts. To illustrate this point, once when David Lynch walked into some random celebrity party, Gary Busey turned to the people at his table and whispered “Damn…I didn’t know they were gonna invite the crazy guy…”

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He once dropped acid in the woods and then spent the rest of the night looking for it…

If you’re anything like me the Christmas Season is usually defined by blatant consumerism, over-eating, and horrendous office holiday parties filled with several shameful, drunken mistakes. Oh, and it’s also a time when a lot of movies come out. Beyond the usual “awards” fodder that Hollywood shoves down our throats this time of year, there is, of course, the necessary onslaught of “Christmas Films.” And, for every It’s A Wonderful Life and Die Hard, we get a couple of movies that straight out blow.

Happy Holidays, bitches!

Jingle All the Way
Starting off the list is none other than the Schwarzenegger/Sinbad holiday classic Jingle All the Way. This is the perfect movie for all those who saw Kindergarten Cop and then thought to themselves “hmm…how we can make this concept suck more?” Enter Arnold Schwarzeneggar from stage right. Here, he plays an “All-American-Dad” (complete with full Austrian accent) who desperately needs to get his hands on a super popular toy to give to his son before Christmas. Thrown into the mix is about a zillion euphemisms involving the word “cookies” and a Black postal worker—played by Sinbad—who also needs to get his hands on the rare toy. So, when you think about it, in actuality this movie is a well-conceived allegory for racial intolerance in contemporary society.

In all seriousness, I really do have a soft spot for this movie. As much as I trash it, I do simultaneously love it. I insult out of affection—kind of like when you hit your little brother on the shoulder when he’s acting “queer”.

Christmas with the Kranks
Does anybody else find it odd that after a decade of coke binges and countless hazy nights with Tijuana strippers, Tim Allen is only capable of making syrupy sweet Christmas films? I dunno…it just sort of seems a little “contradictory” to me. Then again, I’m old fashioned like that.

Since The Santa Clause is relatively awesome and its sequels are completely forgettable, Christmas with the Kranks earns the distinction of being the worst of the Tim Allen Christmas crap. To clarify, that’s like being the one Waffle House surrounded by a sea of Denny’s. Kranks is loosely based on a comedic novella by John Grisham called “Skipping Christmas” (it’s one of the few books I didn’t just pretend to read). The book’s pretty funny. The movie? Not so much. Besides the awful title change, the whole thing suffers from far too much slapstick comedy—like a Gallagher show, except even more annoying (yeah, I didn’t think it was possible either).

The film’s sole positive point occurs when Jamie Lee Curtis strips down to an ill fitting bikini. Think about that for a second—the movie’s best part occurs when a middle-aged, out of shape, potential hermaphrodite is shown wearing a bikini. So, as you can tell, Christmas with the Kranks is a real winner…

Santa’s Slay

The tagline for this movie is “He’s making a list…pray you’re not be on it.” If that’s not an indication of a real cinematic gem, I don’t know what is (hint: boobs help). Santa’s Slay stars none other than pro-wrestler Goldberg as Santa Claus. It also features a cornucopia of “celebrity” cameos, including but not limited to: Chris Kattan, James Caan, and Fran Drescher. I’m using “cameos” very liberally here. This is the equivalent of a D-List celebrity walking into a crowded small-town restaurant and talking very loudly.

The movie’s plot is pure Gauntlet material—Santa is actually a demon punished by an angel to give out presents and spread holiday cheer. But when the punishment wears off—as you can imagine—shit starts to go down. The result is a collection of awful special effects, ridiculous plot elements, and puns so cheesy that they’d make Schwarzenegger in Batman and Robin blush. The icing on the cake? This movie was produced by none other than Brett “Rush hour” Ratner. Pardon my French, but I’m pretty sure even Brett Ratner thinks Brett Ratner is a douchebag at this point.

Deck the Halls
Every year it seems like Hollywood inevitably churns out the obligatory awful Christmas film. In 2006, we got Deck the Halls—a movie so excruciatingly bad that at some point you’re actually hoping for Eddie Murphy to show up in a fat-suit. The plot is supposedly about two guys competing over who can put up the most Christmas lights. In reality, it becomes an odd celebrity relevance barometer proving that Danny DeVito’s career peaked 10 years ago and that Matthew Broderick looks like the type of creepy man-boy who hangs out at playgrounds holding a large portion of cotton candy. The only thing that could make this movie any worse would be to have Broderick and DeVito get naked at some point…oh…wait…I forgot…it’s got that too. Damn.

Surviving Christmas / Reindeer Games
At the number one spot? None other than a Ben Affleck double-header. Okay…okay…I realize that at this point, making fun of Ben Affleck is almost too easy (I think I’m at a 1 to 3 article to Affleck joke ratio at this point). Nevertheless, it’s just so damn fun. Ben just never lets ya down.

First on the list is Surviving Christmas. You might recall that this is the Christmas movie so bad that the movie studio released it in October. In other words, the Christmas season itself was too embarrassed to be associated with it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this one from start to finish—just bits and pieces here and there. In one scene, I seem to recall James Gandolfini hitting Affleck in the head with a shovel. It’s at this very moment where you can see Gandolfini’s career start to die. I’m also pretty sure this movie gave Christina Applegate cancer.

Finishing out the Affleck double-header is Reindeer Games. This movie has the distinction of being a built in a punch-line to almost anything—just stick “Reindeer Games” at the end of a sentence and it automatically becomes funny. For instance: I heard that your Grandmother died…Reindeer Games. You see, it works on so many levels…

Granted, Reindeer Games isn’t a Christmas movie in the traditional sense of the phrase; but, it takes place in the snow, features characters named Nicholas and Rudolph, and has that moronic title, so I really don’t give a crap about “technicalities” at this point. Regardless, it’s pretty indisputable that Surviving Christmas and Reindeer Games aree collectively the worst Christmas concoction since some idiot decided that fruitcake actually tasted good. Heck, combine the two and you’ll be dead by New Year’s.

Until next time, kids, Happy Listing!

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. This year he is going to try to keep Christmas from coming to Whoville…

When people need a quick way to prove their intelligence, they often like to show off their amazing taste in movies to others. Usually, conversations like this are the centerpiece of bad cocktail parties (frequently nestled in between stale hors d’oerves and an unbarable game of charades). The following list contains a bunch of movies that smart people talk about. Ironically, there’s a 1 in 5 chance that these people have never actually seen these movies (there’s also a 4 in 5 chance that statistic is completely made up).

Oh, and before some sanctimonious a-hole gets all upset with me. Yes, I’ve seen every movie on this list. Yes, I’m better than you. That’s why I’m holding this pipe and wearing this smoking jacket, you see…

The Seventh Seal
Otherwise known as the movie where some Swedish dude plays a game of chess with death, The Seventh Seal is about as “film-school 101” as you can get. So, in order to feel smart, a lot of people pretend to have seen this movie (mainly insecure white guys trying to sound intelligent while standing in line at film festivals). This is arguably the late great Ingmar Bergman’s most famous film, so you should probably check it out sooner or later. Or, you could always just watch Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey yet again. With the addition of copious amounts of alcohol, it’s practically the same movie. Then again, that could probably be said about every movie…hmm…a discovery has just been made…

Modern Times
When it comes to movies that people have not seen (but pretend to), silent films are a veritable goldmine. I picked Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times, but this spot could just have easily gone to Metropolis or Sunrise or some other German sounding movie that nobody can understand. Every prestigious “best of” movie list invariably has some silent film on there. Most often, it’s a movie that few people have actually seen, so during the televised special—in order to make it somewhat interesting—they usually cut to wacky close-ups of black and white footage while Roger Ebert gives an awkward thumbs up.

To be fair, Modern Times is definitely a silent movie you should check out (instead of pretending to have watched). It’s Chaplin at his best and still holds up remarkably well. That being I said, I fully understand that watching silent movies with a modern mindset isn’t what I would call easy. It’s tough to appreciate the spectacular use of symbolism and stark black and white imagery while people are acting with the kind of over-zealous, “crazy eyes” best reserved for bad student theater and amateur improv…Everybody! Jazz Hands!

Pretty in Pink
Granted, this choice isn’t going to make sense to a lot of people…but it definitely applies to my generation. You see, like many early twenty-somethings, the John Hughes teen comedies of the eighties hit it big when I was far too young to appreciate them. With the exception of Ferris Bueller, I completely missed out. It wasn’t until college that I actually sat down and saw the lot of them in an all-night bender of chocolate, cheese burgers, and self-remorse. Before then, I’d awkwardly smile in social settings when these flicks were brought up. I’d pretend to know who “Ducky” was and that “The Breakfast Club” was not some promotion offered by Denny’s.

Luckily, I’ve now atoned for my crimes, but I’m sure there are plenty of folks out there that shamefully have to hide the fact that they have never seen these movies. Since Pretty in Pink was the last of the John Hughes-era teen comedies that I saw in my quest for cinematic redemption, it earns a spot on this list. Now that I’m all caught up, I can move on to more important and troubling quandaries. For instance, is Molly Ringwald attractive? Well, let me tell ya, after a long discussion with my penis, the jury is still out on that one…

Gone with the Wind
This spot almost went to the other classic film epic—Lawrence of Arabia—but, Gone with the Wind just has the right combination of historical importance, puffy dresses, and blatant racism that screams “I’ve-pretended-to-see-this-movie!” This flick’s biggest detractor? Length. Coming in with a whopping runtime of 226 minutes, it’s not exactly “casual viewing.” In turn, instead of actually watching this movie, people tend to go the easy route and just “pretend”—much like the time I bought that letterman’s jacket and “pretended” that I went to Harvard.

It certainly doesn’t help matters much that societal norms pretty much require that you see Gone with the Wind if you want to be knowledgeable about cinema. Well, society also says that I should wear pants—and that certainly isn’t happening anytime soon. Well, la-dee dah! Sorry if I can’t live up to your standards Mr. High and Mighty…

Citizen Kane
Considering that Citizen Kane is often lauded as the greatest film of all time, I find it funny that most people probably haven’t seen it. Fess up…right now you’re sitting there in front of your computer screen, pretending to do something generic in Microsoft Excel, and lying to yourself yet again. “Ha,” you snicker. “I’ve seen Citizen Kane a billion times! Pffft.” Then, a bead of sweat forms on your brow. Your pulse quickens. Your chest tightens. On the surface, you’re calm, but deep down, you know the truth—the deep, dark secret eating you up inside.

Well, ladies and gentleman, that feeling won’t go away until you do something about it. Immediately, you must put Citizen Kane at the coveted top spot of your Netflix Queue. You must quell that simmering sense of guilt once and for all…or, you could just read the plot synopsis on Wikipedia….

Regardless, the next time someone brings up Citizen Kane in informal conversation you no will no longer have to stare at the floor awkwardly and deliver your usual canned response: “Uh…yeah…Rosebud…sled…totally…hey, is that a blue car over there?”

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He often pretends he hasn’t seen “Step Up 2: The Streets.”

Nestled deep within the sales racks of your local Urban Outfitters, there exists a population of young, often white, people so pretentious, so elitist that they are fans of bands that don’t even exist yet. They listen to NPR while drinking soy, non-fat lattes. They wear their little sister’s jeans. They are better than you. And, of course, their taste in movies is “exquisite”. Got that, cretin? The following list is the top five movies loved by “unique,” quirky, often white, people. Disagree with the choices? Well, you just don’t understand man.  I mean, how could you? It’s just so deep…

Lost in Translation
White people love Lost in Translation. Ask any hipster what he/she thinks of this movie and the same answer will invariably come back again and again: It’s a modern masterpiece that thoroughly examines the isolationist nature of modern society and the human desire to connect even when lost in a world without any semblance of familiarity. Granted that line seems pretty smart, but understand this—they probably just memorized it from Wikipedia. I’ll be the first to admit that this flick just isn’t up my alley. For some reason, I just really don’t care about Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray’s characters all that much. Granted, I can appreciate that it’s well-shot and there are nice moments, but it never really gets me on anything beyond an analytic level. 

The moment that really seals Lost in Translation’s place as the centerpiece of pretentious coffee house discussion? Check out the climactic scene when Murray unintelligibly whispers in Johansson’s ear in the middle of a crowded Tokyo street. For hipsters, this represents one of the most groundbreaking moments in cinema in over the past 10 years. Countless hours have been spent debating the meaning of this scene over a pot of chamomile tea and organic sugar wafers.  It’s a lot like the debate over what killed the dinosaurs, except…you know…not as scientific and a lot more retarded.

Amélie
Okay…it’s kind of hard to hate on Amélie. I mean, it’s got Audrey Tautou in super cute mode, really impressive production value, some sweet cinematography…I really could go on and on. Nevertheless, Hipsters love this movie—they eat it up with a spoon. They talk about it while shopping for Tempeh Bacon at the local whole foods. It comes up in conversation when recounting the inspirational time they spent studying abroad in Paris that one semester in college. The movie is good, but over time, that kind of praise gets a tad nauseating. And, let’s be frank, in the film Amélie is constantly straddling the line between “adorable” and “downright creepy.” 

For example, in real life, I don’t want some shy, pale chick staring at me from behind the fruit counter at the local supermarket, making notes in some elaborate journal. That sort of shit may be appealing on screen, but it comes off as “bat-fucking-crazy” in reality.  Seriously, it’s kind of like the time I parked my unmarked van outside the local elementary school with a large batch of cotton candy. What? I was just staring…

Garden State
Right now, at this exact moment, there are a couple of college kids watching Garden State in an unkempt dorm room…and they’re about to declare it the greatest movie ever made. You see, Garden State portrays emotions and events that most hipsters have never experienced, but have been pretending to experience for the past five years. Everyone’s got (fake) friends just like Zack Braff’s hometown cronies. Everyone’s wooed that super quirky hot girl who has epilepsy. Everyone’s gone through an emotionally devastating childhood event that handicapped their mother. Gosh…it’s just so damned authentic…. Not to mention, Garden State is solely responsible for making The Shins socially relevant. Hipsters rejoice!

My favorite thing about Garden State? It made it seem possible that a nerdy, emotionally aloof Jewish kid could land Natalie Portman. Ivan’s coming for you, Natalie. Watch out…*

*I mean that in a totally non-stalker way.

Donnie Darko
Let me get this out of the way—nobody understands Donnie Darko…nobody…not even Richard Kelly himself (the director of the movie). I once had some hipster try to explain this time-travel/teenage drama to me. It ended with several ripped up pieces of notebook paper, a brief mention of Steven Hawkins, and a trip to the local Dunkin’ Donuts. Am I saying that this is a bad movie? No…in fact I think that it’s actually pretty entertaining. Regardless, Donnie Darko has the annoying distinction of being the film that “changed the lives” of about eight trillion Emo-Hipsters across the globe.  Believe me, that number is completely accurate, they are all THAT complicated…

As a final side note, Donnie Darko is on the verge of no longer being cool because it’s becoming too well known and popular to still be accepted by the elite populous. So, if kids shopping at the local Hop Topic or H&M continue to talk up this movie, pretty soon hipsters could have another Fight Club on their hand – and that would just be catastrophic…

Anything Every Created by Wes Anderson

There’s nothing that white “unique” hipsters like more than watching other white “unique” hipsters do something. Ironically, by viewing people just like them, they ultimately feel original. So, who fulfills this cinematic niche? Enter Wes Anderson from stage right…

You see, Wes Anderson’s entire career consists of putting quirky white people on screen. Most often, it’s rich, aloof, quirky white people—something emo hipsters can’t get enough of. Throw in a lot of crazy dolly shots and a couple of songs by The Kinks and every person in the audience will be practically bouncing in their vintage Chuck Taylors. 

I guess my biggest beef with Wes Anderson is that, for the most part, his movies really don’t have a plot (Rushmore being the major exception to this). Yes, his movies have concepts…just no real story.  For instance, The Darjeeling Limited is about quirky, rich white brothers in a train trying to rebuild their relationship…it just never really develops anywhere from that initial premise. Same goes for The Royal Tenenbaums (just replace the word “brothers” with “family” and “train” with “New York”). In some way this directly reflects the lives of hipsters. On the surface they appear interesting and unique (the concept), but in reality they’re kind of shallow and a lot like everybody else (no plot). Just don’t tell hipsters this. They will most likely not understand and suggest you play an ironic game of boggle while listening to obscure jazz music. That’s an evening of pure torture (or enlightenment?) right there…

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. Sometimes, he cuts himself at night because the world just doesn’t understand…

Every once in a while, actors and actresses attempt to expand their dramatic range by trying to master the perfect foreign accent. There are some who succeed masterfully in this endeavor, creating believable and powerful characters from all over the globe. Then there are some who…um…well…just kind of suck. The following list is for those thespians who were less fortunate.

Angelina Jolie, Alexander
Oliver’s Stone’s 2004 bomb, Alexander, contains a cornucopia of bad accents. Everyone in this flick is speaking with some type of weird dialect. At times, it feels like you’re watching a really bad United Colors of Benetton Ad. The worst offender? None other than Ms. Angelina Jolie. It’s amazing that in an overly long, homoerotic, poorly written toga and sandals epic my biggest complaint is Jolie’s manner of speaking, but seriously folks, her pronunciation of words is hilariously bad.

So, what accent is Jolie attempting with her unintelligible foreign purr? I genuinely have no clue. My guess? She’s combining the accents from the native lands of all her adopted children into one incomprehensible dialect that sounds like a cross between Peppy LePew and somebody with Down’s Syndrome. What a humanitarian!

Sean Connery, Hunt for Red October
Let me get this out of the way—I consider Sean Connery to be one of the best actors of all time whose filmography is as varied as it is impressive. But, let’s face it, the man just doesn’t do accents (other than his traditional Scottish Brogue). Now, normally this wouldn’t be a problem. However, in the Hunt for Red October he’s supposed to be playing a Russian. Just think about that for a second—Russian submarine captain with a Scottish accent. It almost sounds like the setup for a Disney channel movie starring Miley Cyrus. All it needs is a flatulent dog and a local rec center that is on the verge of closing. C’mon y’all..one more dance to save the school!

Tim Curry, Congo
In the wake of Jurassic Park’s success, Hollywood was literally falling all over itself in a rushed attempt to dish out yet another movie adaptation of a Michael Crichton (RIP) novel. So, in 1995, movie audiences across the country were treated to Congo. This time instead of really cool CG dinosaurs, Congo upped the suck factor and gave us animatronic monkeys. More specifically, evil animatronic monkeys. That’s like being promised a trip to Disneyland but instead being taken to the back of Denny’s parking lot and beaten with a carbon rod…with a picture of Goofy on it. But, I digress…

There’s really no doubt that Congo is a suckfest. It’s got horrible special effects, an annoying talking monkey, and Laura Linney pretending she’s attractive (believe me, that takes serious acting chops). But, if there’s anything that solidifies Congo’s place in pure campland, its gotta be Tim Curry’s performance as Herkermer Homolka, the generic and nefarious foreign dude. I truly have no idea what accent Curry is trying to perform. Shit, I don’t think Tim Curry has any idea what accent he is trying to perform. All I know is that every line spoken by Curry is unintentionally (or maybe intentionally—I’ve given up trying to understand this movie) hilarious. Now, STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE!

Natalie Portman, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
I realize that it’s probably sacrlligious to badmouth Natalie Portman, but to be honest, I’ve never thought she was all that amazing of an actress. Whenever I need concrete evidence to back up this bold statement, I turn to everyone’s favorite humongous geek disappointment—Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I’m the first to admit that it certainly isn’t novel to bad mouth Episode I. At this point, I’m pretty sure even Lucas has disowned it (probably around the time he decided it was a good idea to have an army of monkeys in Indiana Jones 4).

Regardless, Portman’s accent as Queen Padmé Amidala in Phantom Menace is just cringe-worthy. She slips in and out of her dialect as often as Lucas eats cheeseburgers. “Ey will not condown a corse of action thet will lead us to woar!” Seriously, I haven’t heard an English accent this bad since Madonna started to pretend that she was British.

Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Some actors spend years honing their craft, working with dialogue coaches and studying native speakers in order to master the perfect English accent. Well, Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves seems to come from the heralded theatrical school of “I just don’t give a shit.” A lot of movie accents suck, but usually you have to give the actor props for at least trying. Well, Costner flips the bird at the concept of “effort” and heads straight for craft services. His “accent-less” portrayal is made even worse because everybody around him sounds authentically British. It’s like sticking me in the cast of a Tyler Perry movie and asking the audience which one just doesn’t belong…

It’s amazing to think that he didn’t even try an accent but I guess that’s just Kevin Costner for ya. He lives in a parallel, mystical universe where Waterworld was successful, people actually saw Dragonfly, and Bryan Adams songs are still popular. He’s a true revolutionary I tell you…

There you have it, folks—my personal picks for the worst movie accents. In homage, I think I’m going to spend the rest of the day speaking in a terrible cockney accent. “Allo! Shine yer shoes, Govna!…fancy uh spot o’ tea?” I’m sure that won’t get annoying…

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He also does a horrendous English accent.

Ah, douchebags. They’re everywhere—the dude at work who always gives you finger pistols when he says hello. The guy at the gym who grunts a little too loudly with every benchpress. Mark Wahlberg.

Believe it or not, douchebags actually enjoy movies. So, if you’ve ever wondered about their cinematic taste (and who hasn’t?), then keep reading. That’s right ladies and germs, slip on your striped shirt, pop that collar, and down another Jager Bomb. It’s go time, chief, and don’t you mess with me when I’m in the zone…

300
Nothing gets douchebags more excited than a bunch of sweaty, muscular, scantily clad men fighting gracefully in perfect slow motion. I mean…uh…errr…football….

300 is that pretty good Zack Snyder flick that every d-bag and his mother became obsessed with back in March of 07. We’ve all heard the catch phrases eight trillion times (which ass clowns typically yell at inappropriate times), but why is it that d-bags love this flick so much? Well, the answer to that question is pretty simple—this movie is high energy all the time. Much like that over-tanned Chach always yelling at the Bartender for another red bull and vodka, this film never relents and has absolutely no plot arc. Basically, it’s always showing its O-face.

While I think 300 is an entertaining flick, there’s something about all those weird CGI freaks and stylistic fight sequences that just sort of wear me down after a while. Maybe I’m just not hardcore enough. Oh, and could someone please explain to me the purpose of that weird, hookah-induced Greek orgy staring Quasimodo and some creature with knives for hands? I mean, besides being Tim Burton’s wet dream, does that really add anything? I digress…

So, if you need to keep a group of d-bags happy, pop this puppy into your DVD player and get ready to cheer as Gerard Butler slices off the head of one mutant Persian soldier after another. Heterosexual ass-pats all around…


Old School
Yeah, I can already tell you’re pissed. But, before you try to pick a fight with me in the alley outside the bar, let me first say this: I like Old School. I actually like it a lot. Does that make me a douche? No. In fact, just liking one of the movies on this list does not make you a douchebag. However, if you happen to LOVE every movie on this list…well…I’m sure you have other talents—like the ability to rufie a drink without anyone knowing or making fun of Mexicans.

But, back to Old School. Why is it loved by d-bags? Well, it happens to be the most annoyingly over-quoted movie of all time by tools and frat boys. I almost chose Anchorman (whale’s vagina!), but Old School just wins hands down. Yeah, buddy, I get it…you’re going streaking…*sigh* Aren’t you missing an episode of Entourage or something? *makes exaggerated wanking motion with right hand*

Fast and the Furious
Paul Walker is the quintessential d-bag. He’s like the leader of an entire hoblet full of Frodo Douchebagginses, and The Fast and the Furious is the movie that launched him into the asshat stratosphere. It’s got fast cars and fast women! An undercover cop who forms a bond with a tough guy from the wrong side of the tracks (Vin “The Pacifer” Diesel)! Damn…this movie is just so intense. It makes me want to break shit. Sometimes when I watch this movie with my boys I just can’t contain myself, champ. Hey, what are you looking at? You want a piece of this? *pelvic thrust*

They did make two pretty douchey sequels to this movie. First, there’s the creatively titled 2 Fast, 2 Furious; then came the pathetic The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. As if you couldn’t tell, that one’s set in Japan—which, when you think about it, is kind of a stupid marketing idea. I mean, let’s face it, douchebags only generally tolerate Asians (or Black people)….

Running Scared
Running Scared is a movie that came out in 2006 starring—you guessed it—Paul Walker. But, whereas the Fast and the Furious is like a 10 on the douchebaggery scale, this movie cranks it up to 11. Basically, Running Scared takes all the stuff you really like from Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez movies and mashes them all together so it’s a disgusting, unwatchable mess. Essentially, this movie is the cinematic equivalent of a KFC Famous Bowl.

The plot is as generic as crime movies come. Walker plays some low level mafioso who must destroy some fancy-schmancy gun after a drug deal goes bad. Of course, chaos ensues. There are some slick transitions thrown in there for no reason, the unnecessary use of the F-bomb 18 billions times, and of course, pedophiles. Basically, Running Scared is douche nirvana. When writing the script, I’m guessing that about halfway through the screenwriter just sort of gave up and scribbled ridiculous notes like “act like you would in a Scorsese movie” or “pretend this is Reservoir Dogs.”

Finally, to make matters worse, it has that creepy kid from X3 in it. He’s looking at me…he’s looking at me…with his eyes….

The Boondock Saints
If you ask any douchington what his favorite movie is, the answer invariably comes back again and again as The Boondock Saints. Douches love this movie. It’s got it all—random slow motion action sequences, a pseudo-intellectual (but still dumb) story, weird haircuts, homosexual undertones. This is the Troy Duffy (big douche) “masterpiece” that has Willem Dafoe prancing around like he’s on a volatile mixture of crack and cotton candy.

Some douche once told me that The Boondock Saints is just like Pulp Fiction, to which I replied, “Yeah…if Pulp Fiction sucked.” I guess the reason this movie ticks me off, is that people think that it’s smart. Well, it’s not smart. It’s actually pretty dumb. Like Paris Hilton dumb. Like “The Hills” dumb. Like upside-down visor dumb. That’s right, this movie truly is the king of all the douches. Word on the street is that they’ve just started filming a sequel. To this I can only utter the following phrase: God must hate me.

Whew…there she is, bros — the top five movies loved by douchebags. Damn…I can almost smell the Axe body spray fumes emanating from this article. So, until next time, happy listing. I mean, uh, don’t you know who my father is?

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He once set someone’s house on fire just by looking at it really hard.

It’s no secret that there are tons of bad movie titles out there. Reindeer Games. Gigli. Changing Lanes…

Okay, I’m sure there are some other examples using movies not starring Ben Affleck, but I’m just too lazy to think of them at the moment. The point is this: bad movies and bad titles tend to go hand in hand. What happens when good movies have bad titles? The answer to this fascinating query can be found in the following compiled list. Oh, and before you ask, Snakes on a Plane, sadly, didn’t make the cut…

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar
Yes, this is the movie where Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze dress up like girls. It’s an uplifting story about three drag queens with a heart of gold (just to clarify—only in movies do hookers and drag queens have hearts of gold, they’re usually made of sequins) who help transform a small town by opening up the world around them. Aside from the fact that it fulfilled my lifelong fantasy of seeing Patrick Swayze in a dress, the movie is actually a pretty good flick—in a gay, do-gooder kind of way. This movie is, sadly, often overlooked. However, that title is just straight awful. To Wong Foo? Thanks for Everything? Julie Newmar? Is the movie about Catwoman? A biopic on Engrish? Isn’t Foo some type of Hacker slang? Did John Leguizamo lose some kind of bet?

Non-sequiturs rarely work for movie titles, and this one is no exception. Now, if I were head of the marketing department for this movie I would have gone with “Life’s a Drag.” You get it? Ya see…because they’re drag queens. And, in the case of my suggested title “drag” is a double entendre…indicating that there are both drag queens in the movie and that life is difficult…because…oh…never mind…

The Hudsucker Proxy
Maybe I’m just immature, but when I originally read the title for this Coen Brothers comedic gem I assumed it was a gay porn movie. Seriously, I haven’t misjudged a movie title by that much since the time I first heard about Free Willy (believe me…it’s not about what you think).

Out of all the Coen Brothers’ movies I feel like this one is definitely the most overlooked. If I were to hazard a guess on why that is, I’d have to say it’s probably all centered around that title; or maybe it’s just Tim Robbins (he frightens small children). Sure, the title makes sense in the context of the film’s plot—a naïve businessman is installed as the head of a company named Hudsucker Industries in order to perpetuate a stock market scam—but, at the end of the day, that doesn’t really help when you’ve got the word “suck” right in there. Not to mention, 76.7% (fake statistic to make myself sound smarter) of Americans don’t even know what the word proxy even means. However, they do know that it rhymes with “foxy.” Hmm…Hudsucker Foxy…now there’s a sexy title…

Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away the Wayans brothers used to be funny. But, even then, they still couldn’t name a movie worth shit. Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood is a relatively smart spoof of all those ghetto, thug life urban dramas that appeared in the early nineties. Think Scary Movie, but…you know…good.

Regardless, the title is crap. Sure, it’s attempting to be a funny one—it’s purposefully long-winded. I get that. But, nobody wants to have to recite a narrative epic simply to say a movie title. Just imagine asking for a ticket to see this at your local theater. “Yeah, I want two tickets for “Don’t-be-a-Meance-to-North-Central-while-eating-food-quadaratic-forumla-seahorse-ghetto-hood-sandlot…*sigh*…Yeah…whatever…just give me a ticket to Fly Away Home.”

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I know that everybody and their mother considers Charlie Kaufman to be an unparalleled genius screenwriter who farts unicorns and makes the whole world hold hands like in a bad Coke commercial. The title for this movie is just out there—even for a guy as quirky and weird as Kaufman. Granted, Eternal Sunshine isn’t your typical flick. It’s a bizarre, but touching love story between two people who are destined to be together even after they erase their memories of the other’s existence. Still, weird rarely works when it comes to titles, and this just proves that point. The advertisements for this movie were equally as baffling. I seem to recall Jim Carrey running around oddly on a frozen lake while happy music played over random crosscuts to Kirsten “Snaggletooth” Dunst and Elijah Wood in his underwear. I get it Kaufman…you’re different. Now, stop cutting yourself in the corner and come out and play with the rest of us. Choose a normal title next time. And, no, Synecdoche, New York doesn’t count…

The Shawshank Redemption
Let me get one thing straight—I love this movie (who doesn’t?). But, let’s face it—that’s a terrible title. Shawshank? WTF? Seriously, when this movie first came out, I thought it was about lamb. I don’t know why…probably the use of the word “shank.” Still, there’s nothing in that title gives thet audience any idea about what the film istelf. Hence, it fails. Is some dude named Shawshank going to redeem himself to the world? Is it about a pro wrestling match featuring some unknown Irish heavyweight?

It’s been widely speculated that the reason The Shawshank Redemption was such a box office flop is strictly due to the obscure title. Maybe it was just Tim Robbins (remember…he frightens small children).

There you have it folks—the top five good movies with bad titles – in my opinion. So, if you’re ever handed the responsibility of choosing a movie title for a major studio film (hey, it could happen), make sure to pick wisely. My personal favorite? A Tale of Two Titties. Now, that works on multiple levels…

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He once removed a man’s gall bladder with his bare hands.

I think we’ve all been there. You’re visiting your parents (or, more likely, you still live with them). You’re all sitting on the couch, watching television instead of actively communicating (like any good family would). When, suddenly, an unexpected piece of programming flickers on the ‘ole telly—it’s the dreaded onscreen sex scene. Nothing is more uncomfortable than watching a bit of risqué programming with the parental units (unless you grew up in some weird hippie commune without rules and personal hygiene). So, as a public service to all my fellow cinephiles out there, I present to you a list of the top five movies you never want to be watching with dear old Mom and Dad (Side note: porno doesn’t count for this list. Let’s face it…if you didn’t realize that porno should never be watched in the presence of your family, well…uh…you need more help than I can provide).

Spanking the Monkey
This one could make the list by title alone. Spanking the Monkey? Hello! Immediate parental red flag. But, oddly enough it’s not the title nor is it nudity/sex that makes this movie unwatchable with the ‘rents. Quite frankly, this movie is about incest—more specifically it’s about a college kid who wants to donk his Mom. Try not squirming through that plotline while you’re sitting right next to your parents. Plus, it’s directed by David O. Russell—the renowned douchebag who got in a fight with George Clooney when filming Three Kings and dropped the c-bomb on Lily Tomlin on the set of I Heart Huckabees. So, not only is it edgy and independent (two buzz words that should never involve both parents and movies), but it also has the distinction of being shot by a complete a-hole. That’s a definite parental pass…

Shortbus
Remember when I said that porno didn’t count for this? Well, this movie is about as close as you can get to porno without being porno (and no, it doesn’t involve Shannon Tweed). Written and directed by John Cameron Mitchell—the indie darling behind Hedwig and the Angry Inch—Shortbus depicts real people having real sex on screen.  Yes, you read that correctly—real sex. No prosthetics. No weird cutaways to someone else’s ass. No unnatural post-coital sheet holding to cover up the naughty bits. This is as real and authentic as my crippling social deformities. And, top it off, it’s not limited to just heterosexual sex either. You’ve got guy-on-guy. Girl-on-girl. Girl-on-guy-on-girl. I’m pretty sure I even saw a monkey humping a Chihuahua at some point. Not to mention, the discovery of sexual positions I didn’t even know existed.  Any ladies out there interested in trying the reverse-Houdini-cowgirl-Chupacabra? Uh…anyone?

Eyes Wide Shut
There are some who say that Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut is a cinematic masterpiece— a long, intricate movie that’s gorgeously shot and profoundly develops subjects such as infidelity, the illusion of truth, and the weakness of human willpower. Well, basically all that artistic mumbo jumbo is trumped by the following three-word phrase: 20 minute orgy. ‘Nuff said.

Crash
Before you get all pissy, let me make one thing clear—this is not the 2006 Oscar winner written and directed by Paul Haggis, starring a bunch of pretty actors who are somehow bonded by the cliché ramifications of racism. No, instead this is the 1996 movie directed by David Cronenburg about people fucking after getting into car crashes. Seriously. That’s the plot synopsis. I’m not kidding. Really, folks…you just can’t make this stuff up…

Apparently, the movie is supposed to provide an introspective look into the volatile but interconnected nature of violence and sexuality in our modern, emotionally detached society. But, try explaining that to your Mom when James Spader and Holly Hunter are violently going at it in a totaled Chevy Hatchback. That go over well, professor? Yeah…I didn’t think so…

History of Violence
Sex? Check! Violence? Check! Violent Sex? Check and check.  This movie is the double-whammy, super-size-me, Venti-triple-shot of cinematic parental no-nos. Sure some movies have more violence and some have more sex, but this movie hits ya where it hurts. Viggo Mortensen plays a small town, Average-Joe family man who runs a diner. It’s all fun and games until mysterious men with black suits and creepy glass eyes show up to spoil the party. Surprise, Viggo! You’re actually an extremely violent guy, with a shady criminal past. From then on out, it’s a shotgun-to-the-head, blood-spattering, child-killing, sixty-nining good time.

But, the true reason why this film snags the number one spot occurs right before the third act. After finding out that her husband is a ruthless killer, Maria Bello’s character confronts Mortensen. The resulting interaction provides the grand-daddy of them all—a violent sex/rape/fight scene that goes on until the end of time (hyperbole!). Seriously, this thing just keeps going and going. When I saw this film in the theater, I actually checked my watch. Twice. The very thought of experiencing that while sitting next to my parents makes me shudder

Well, there you have it—the top five movies that should never be glimpsed in the same vicinity as your parents. In fact, I wouldn’t even watch these movies on the same block as my parents.  As a final tidbit, did you notice that David Cronenburg films made both the number 2 and 1 spot? Basically this proves one simple thing: Cronenburg hates you and your family (and probably your puppy too).  Yup, that’s right… he’s still pissed that nobody watched Existenz.

Until next time, happy listing…

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He also likes pie.

Ahh…Halloween! It’s a magical, carefree time when children gobble candy, pedophiles get door to door service, and all girls dress like sluts. Best. Holiday. Ever. Let me tell ya, there is simply no better way to celebrate Halloween then with a good ol’ fashioned costume party (either that or vandalism). So, in order to add a little legal spice to your Hallows’ Eve masquerade this year, allow me to suggest the following flicks to play in the background on your brand spanking new HDTV (or 32” wood-encased relic). I mean, let’s face it, by now everyone’s just a little bit tired of Wii Bowling…

Nosferatu
Nothing says “party” quite like silent, 1922 German Expressionism. Am I right?…right? *taps microphone*…uh…Is this thing on?

Now, before you stop reading, let me explain. In today’s modern hipster culture anything that is old and “deep” is also cool. Hence, Nosferatu is about as hip and deck as an unannounced Belle and Sebastian concert at the local independent coffee shop. If you’re attempting to pander to an emo, “I’m-too-cool-to-dress-up” type of crowd, Nosferatu is the perfect choice. First off, it’s silent—so you don’t have to worry about people following along. The stark, black and white photography is actually still pretty creepy. And, to top it off, the movie recently got re-released in a fancy ultimate edition DVD – complete with a high definition transfer. So, it’s the perfect film to grace the background of your pseudo-intellectual, highbrow Halloween get-together.

Oh, and goth chicks love old school horror.  So, just shuttle your way over to that one girl with a safety pin in her eyebrow, mention something about the movie’s use of shadows to create mood, and it’s game on, slugger. *gun fingers*…*guy-liner*….

The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Tim Curry in drag.  Those four words are reason enough to play this cult classic at your next Halloween party. However, beyond the pure awesomeness of seeing Mr. Curry as the Transvestite from Transylvania, Rocky Horror is an ideal flick to act as some hip background eye candy. For one it’s a musical, so already your Halloween bash will have a pretty sweet soundtrack. Second, the dance numbers and rock beats will make the entire atmosphere a little bit livelier. And, it’s entertaining in a really cheesy, b-movie kind of way (which is perfect for a party ambience).

Plus, Halloween is probably the only time of year when you can watch Rocky Horror in costume and NOT feel like a complete asshole. That’s right, folks—this holiday pull on your knee-high stockings and leather bodice and get ready to do the time warp…again. I swear, it won’t be gay.*

*It will still be very gay.

Scream
For some reason, I’m a big Scream fan. It’s a tongue-in-cheek approach to all those slasher films of yore that somehow managed to revitalize the lackluster horror scene in the mid-nineties. It paid homage to a lot of really good movies, but still managed to be pretty original. Not to mention, it launched about a gazillion teen copycat films (hello, I Know What You Did Last Summer…this trend might have ended with Valentine…hopefully).  For my generation, parts of this movie are iconic: creepy dude in ghost face mask. Great one-liners. Neve Campbell’s boobs (we wish…). I could go on and on…

The reason this should make an appearance at your next Halloween celebration? Well, as I said it’s a great, semi-classic, horror film. Plus, who doesn’t like seeing hot chicks running around in skimpy t-shirts screaming and making poor decisions? Uh…Rose McGowan, next time you want to get out of a garage with a deranged killer, perhaps the doggie door isn’t the best option. Just saying…

Beyond all these compelling reasons to play Scream at your next Halloween party, to be honest, sometimes I just to like to fondly remember the time when Skeet Ulrich was still employed. Ahh…those were the days!

Psycho
What can I say about Hitchcock’s classic that hasn’t already been said? Well, probably nothing. Regardless, this movie makes for excellent Halloween party decoration. Want to do it up right? Hook up a projector and turn an entire wall of your room into a shrine for Hitchcockian genius.  Nothing says “Halloween” quite like watching a ten-foot Janet Leigh scream in the shower while getting stabbed multiple times. Plus, watching Psycho with a group of people gives you ample opportunity to bitch and moan about Gus Van Sant’s unnecessary 1998 remake starring Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche. I mean, seriousy, sometimes you just don’t mess with the classics. *cuts himself*

Halloween
Back in 1978 when John Carpenter was still a viable director and nobody knew that Jamie Lee Curtis was a hermaphrodite, a tiny little flick called Halloween graced movie screens across the country. I realize that for some this choice is just too easy. For those naysayers, I have just two words: Fuck. You.

Halloween is the perfect movie to watch on Halloween. Furthermore, it’s the perfect movie to watch at a Halloween party. It’s called Halloween. Once again, Fuck you.

The music is stellar (even with the volume low), the villain is iconic, it’s scary without displaying obsessive gore, and since the majority of people have already seen it, you won’t have to worry about it becoming a distraction. In fact, play this movie on a loop all night and you’ll probably be known as the dude/chick on the block who threw the best Halloween bash that didn’t involve Guitar Hero. Up yours, tiny plastic guitars!

There you have it, ladies and gents: The Top Five Movies to Play as Background to a Halloween party.  Follow my advice, and you’re bound to throw a pretty sweet bash…or monster mash? Seriously, it won’t even phase you when some douche pukes in the punch bowl.

So, until next time, keep the list-making alive and don’t forget to lock your doors. There be spirits about…

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonaire cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He’s the asshole on the street who gives out dental floss to trick-or-treaters.

Editor’s Note: we almost fired him for omitting Evil Dead 2 from that list.

Alright, being as this is Geekscape, it’s kind of weird start off this whole top five extravaganza with a topic that’s all about doing the nasty, but let’s face it – sex sells and I always bring the people what they want.  So, grab a bottle of wine, light some candles, and change out of your Spiderman-underoos…it’s business time (that is assuming you can actually get a girl to watch a movie with you). Let’s do this:

(Some small spoilers may be present below. So don’t go whining to me when I reveal that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time…)



Pride and Prejudice:
If I was being a stickler, I’d say that this would have to be the new Pride and Prejudice—you know, the Oscar nominated one staring Kiera Knightley and featuring nifty direction by Joe Wright. But, in reality, it just doesn’t matter.  Heck, as long as Jane Austen is involved you could watch two and half hours of sock puppets making out and still get lucky. You see, Jane Austen is like a pheromone for women. By merely mentioning her name their eyes begin to glaze over and they lose an attachment to reality. Suddenly, everyone becomes Mr. Darcy. Everyone wears those ruffled dresses with the hoops in them. And, of course, everyone has a British accent.

To increase your chances, during the elaborate dance sequence in the first third of the movie, make an off-hand, yet appropriate, comment about how you wish everyone still danced like that and how “classic” it would be. Regardless of whether you believe this or not, it makes you seem sensitive and introspective. Or, you could always go with the old stand-by and say: “you have much a bigger rack than Kiera Knightley.”  Granted, it ain’t Shakespeare, but by the time this flick comes to an end, every word you say will somehow become poetry.

Cruel Intentions:
Do you all remember when high school was full of super rich, scheming, teenagers with an inordinate knowledge of sex and the vocabulary of an astrophysicist? Me either, But if “Dawson’s Creek” has taught me anything it’s that all girls love to think of high school as an intellectual, hyper-literate fountain of bitchiness.  That’s where Cruel Intentions comes in.  This is the movie to spark the bad girl fantasies in even the most wholesome of women.

A pop-culture nineties revamp of the period drama Dangerous Liaisons, Cruel Intentions has all the ingredients to lead you towards the Promised Land. It’s sexy (witty innuendo)!  It’s taboo (incest)! It’s titillating (two girls kiss)! Plus, it features Ryan “nobody-knows-how-to-pronounce-my-last-name” Phillipe as the male star. And, if there’s one thing that women like, let me tell ya, it’s vintage Phillipe.

Unfaithful:
Now, in general, a movie about cheating is a no go if you’re searching for a little “insert-euphemism-for-sex-here,” but, Unfaithful is the one glaring exception to the standardized doctrine.  I don’t know what the deal is with this movie, but there is just something about it that gets everybody a little randy (woman, man, dog, cat, Gilmore). Maybe it’s the hot, generic-European dude (Olivier Martinez). Maybe it’s Diane Lane’s infinitely alluring cougar-ness; or hey, maybe it’s Richard Gere’s baffling, incomprehensible appeal to women.  I don’t really know and I don’t really care. The point is simply this: Unfaithful just gets the job done. Period. By the time, Diane Lane’s character excuses herself for a bathroom quickie, the girl sitting next to you will be putty in your hands (puddle in your hands?). In fact, you don’t even have to make a move – based on my advanced statistical research, she’ll do it for you. Yup…that’s right…you can thank me later.

Friendly word of warning: turn the movie off before Richard Gere starts busting in people’s skulls with snow globes. That shit just kind of kills the mood…most of the time.

The Notebook:
I can already see you rolling your eyes. I realize that it’s a cliché choice, but that’s only because it works. Author Nicholas Sparks has made an entire career out of manipulating and exploiting the emotions of lonely women. Let’s face it people, The Notebook is his Mona Lisa.

This movie has every possible ingredient to turn a girl into mush. There’s Ryan Gosling as the adorable boy from the poor part of town. There’s the story of torn romance, struggling to persevere through war and separation. There’s cuddly old people with dementia (uh…on second thought…scratch that last one). Even if girls say they don’t like this movie, they’re lying. EVERY girl likes this movie. Even the most cynical and jaded bitch you know (that’s right, even your girlfriend). Every girl wants to make out in a rainstorm.  Every girl wants to dance around like a spastic four-year-old with epilepsy (kind of like a female, attractive, Thom Yorke) and be called a bird.

Look, I know this movie sucks, but if you’re interested in getting laid (and who isn’t, c’mon), just slide this puppy into the DVD player and let the magic happen. On a final side note, this movie reinforces a common, incontrovertible fact when it comes to romance flicks: If someone dies at the end, the girl you’re with will probably sleep with you.

Love Actually:
This is it. The mack daddy. The movie that makes all women scream in passion and gesticulate wildly in the night.  It’s like the super-Voltron of romantic comedies, combining eight (count ‘em, 8!) stories into one movie. To top it off, it takes place during Christmas time. Seriously, there are few things in the world designed to make women swoon as much as this film (another one is probably Christian Bale).

When Love Actually first came out back in 2003, I remember sitting in the theater watching in complete fascination as every girl around me seemed to sigh in unison. It had complete control over them. I’m pretty sure if Hugh Grant would have turned directly to the camera and neurotically asked the women in the audience to stage a ritual human sacrifice they all would have complied, no questions asked.

To be fair, as much as I talk crap, this is actually a pretty damn good movie. So, not only does it have the distinction of charming the pants off your date, it also manages to not suck in the process. It’s really a win-win situation, which is why it has the distinction of topping this list. The true word of praise, though, goes to Richard Curtis – the movie’s writer and director.  Think how many people he has helped get lucky just by creating this movie (the statistic must be staggering). Yes, that’s right, Mr. Curtis, men across the globe salute you!

Alright folks, there you have it—the top five movies that will probably get you laid. By watching the aforementioned flicks with a special lady, I’m pretty sure there is a 96% chance you’re gonna at least get to cup a boob (maybe two if you sit comfortably enough)! So, the next time you’re about to get some action because of the sage advice you’ve just received, be sure to think of me. On second thought, don’t do that. That’s kind of creepy.

Enjoy.

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast.  Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He once hacked the gibson while simultaneously playing a flawless game of minesweeper.