Upon the recent news regarding the casting and theme of next year’s American Horror Story vignette, I feel the need address one of the things that makes this show as amazing as it is: its sheer, unapologetic awkwardness. Never has a film, television series, or YouTube video made me so uncomfortable over the course of an hour (while loving every minute of it). I loved it so much in fact, that I have comprised a list of the most awkward moments from season 2.
SPOILER ALERT: I’m essentially telling you the entire plot (save the last few episodes), so if you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading now.
9. Evan Peters Gets an Anal Probing
This happens within the first ten minutes, so not much of a spoiler, but holy balls is it awkward. One second he’s chilling with his wife, and the next there’s a big green alien hand headed for his… well ass. What makes it worse is that not one, but TWO fingers are extended. Ryan Murphy has to know that this is the number of fingers designated “the pleaser”. This was certainly a banger way to start off the series. Pun most definitely intended.
8. The Best Solution to Alien Abduction? Polygamy…
So this season not one, but TWO of Evan Peters’ significant others also get abducted and impregnated by aliens (yet the kids are biologically his?). One apparently took a long time in gestation, so poor Evan just assumed she was dead. One day he comes home and BOOM his OTHER lady is home. His solution: polygamy. And thus it turned into an episode of Sister Wives. Apparently Ryan Murphy thinks this is the proper train of thought when placed in this situation, but I guess it is more believable than the alternative: having an American Gladiator style fight to the death. Maybe next season?
7. Chloe Sevigny Insults the Size of James Cromwell’s *ahem* Nether-regions
At some point early in the plot, James attempts to rape Chloe and just when he whips out ol’ Richard she responds by laughing at how small it is. Now if it wasn’t awkward enough for viewers that they were about to witness rape, it ends with knowing that the old guy from Babe has a tiny penis. Way to ruin that movie… while simultaneously explaining a lot about it.
6. Chloe Soon After is Turned into a Monster and Dumped in a Playground
Because she does insult Cromwell’s penis, his natural reaction is to it is to turn her into a Frankenstein monster and… dump her in a children’s playground? Apparently so… because soon after this occurrence we see the now deformed woman crawling through a playground thoroughly ensuring that all of the children there will be needing intensive therapy later in life. Seeing something that looks like a sea monkey crawling towards you and moaning isn’t something a juice box and some goldfish can fix, which makes this significantly more awkward for the kids than the audience.
5. Lots of Nun Whipping… Lots…
Nun on nun. Nun on slut. Nun on serial killer. Lots of nun whipping to be had Briarcliff, Jessica Lange having an entire wardrobe devoted to all of her paddles. And if this wasn’t confusing enough for your libido they actually show the asses of the people getting whipped, also proving that none of these people wear underwear. The weirdest of these whippings is most definitely the “nun on nun”. The innocent young nun drops her drawers to be spanked by the older, wiser nun. Is it just me, or is this the plot of every late 70’s porno?
4. Jessica Lange Tries to be Sexy…. and Succeeds…
She gives a priest a lap dance in a red satin lingerie piece… ‘Nuff said.
3. A Lesbian is Forced to Touch a Penis… and Cries
First off, I’d like to address how ridiculous it was that Lana didn’t just play straight for a week to get out of the insane asylum. That was the easiest solution to this problem. But noooooooo she had to go all proud lesbian (which I honor, I just think it’s a little impractical) and remain adamant that she liked the V. But to make matters worse (or potentially hilarious to the viewer) as therapy they make her touch the penis of a gorgeous man. Poor dear. And she responds by bursting into tears. Seriously, lesbians don’t find penises that horrifying in real life. They just would rather not participate. Ridiculous (and oh so awkward).
2. Channing Tatum’s Wife Gives Adam Levine a Blow Job While His Arm is Cut Off
I honestly had no idea how to condense the title of this one… Channing Tatum’s wife (that’s her real name, isn’t it?) gives Maroon 5 (he’s the only one in that band right?) a blow job while his arm gets hacked off. There’s not enough Colgate in the world to wash that taste out of your mouth. But at least you got to put Adam Levine’s penis in your mouth. I personally am still waiting on that call.
1. DYLAN MCDERMOTT SUCKS MILK FROM A HOOKER’S BOOB
YES! HE DOES! I… I cant…. I have never been more uncomfortable watching television since that episode of Murder, She Wrote where Angela Lansbury doesn’t wear a bra. This serves no purpose to the series other than to make the audience yell profanities at their TV because they can’t believe what’s going on. AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT SENSUALLY. The hooker comes over and begins to speak in a sultry voice saying things like “My nipples are so hard.” “I’m about to burst.” and my personal favorite “I’ve got a rockin’ body and a titty full of milk.”
Done. All kinds of done. Here’s hoping that the next season brings more and more delightfully hard to watch nonsense (which it should, because Kathy Bates is probably playing a witch, and there’s not a damn person alive that doesn’t want to see that).