As we approach Splatoon 2‘s first Splatfest, we felt the importance of making sure all the Inklings out there make an educated choice over which side to pick between team cake and team ice cream. While this summer weather might be blinding some of our fellow squids from the virtues of cake, I’m going to throw enough shade to keep you all seeing straight. Because you see, cake is the only objective choice, and here are six indisputable reasons why.
There are so many types of cake.
When you talk about cake, there isn’t just one kind that people refer to. Sure, a moist cake with just the right amount of frosting is just the best, but that’s only one piece of the equation. Have you ever enjoyed a cake donut? How about a brownie or a delicious breakfast muffin? Simply put, our lives would be fundamentally different without cake, whereas ice cream is just… Ice cream. Sure, you can mix in weird junk into it, but nothing that you couldn’t also do with a cake. Which is why ice cream tends to have an identity crisis…
Ice cream desperately tries to be cake.
All of ice cream’s greatest hits come in when you mix in cake with it. From ice cream sandwiches to ice cream cakes, even shakes and scoops have begun putting in pieces of cake or brownie bites into the mix just to make the stuff edible. Not to mention abominations like birthday cake flavored ice cream, which is about as shameless you can get.
An early attempt at ice cream cake.
Besides, ice cream would be nothing without cake, but we’ll get to why further down the list.
Ice cream lies to you.
With cake, you always know what you’re getting. Regardless of the type of cake you’re indulging in, you always know that you’re setting yourself up for a 600 calorie plus intake. Sure, it’s not the most ideal, but at least cake never tries to pretend to be what it’s not. We know donuts are awful for you, and the chocolate on chocolate masterpiece isn’t named devil’s food for nothing.
All the probiotics in the world won’t save you from those 10 extra pounds.
Ice cream isn’t so honest, rebranding itself so many times with the goal of making you think it’s better for you. The biggest culprit is frozen yogurt, which has conned an entire population of college students into thinking its good for you. Sure, you feel good about the sign listing each ounce as 40 calories and five grams of protein, but as your cup piles high, so do the calories, sneaking more fat into your body than cake could ever hope to. There’s a reason why Burt Baskin, co-founder of Baskin Robbins, died of a heart attack. I’ll give you 31 guesses as to why.
Don’t succumb to this silent killer!
Cake is for celebrating. Ice cream is for sadness.
When I most commonly think of cake, I think of parties. Birthday celebrations are synonymous with birthday cake, complete with special candles with non-toxic wax for when your kids inevitably try to eat the oozing paste. Even our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ gets in on the cake action every Marti Gras when He decides to just hang out inside of a King Cake every year.
But the son of God won’t be found anywhere near ice cream. And you know why? Because ice cream is associated with lives crumbling apart. If cake is known for celebrating, then ice cream is known for crying into while you binge watch Orange is the New Black after a bad breakup. We also can’t forget how much misery all those Bon-Bon’s brought Al Bundy back on Married With Children. How many times have we heard of kids chasing ice cream trucks and never being seen again? Ice cream, you’re looking pretty suspect right about now.
Ice cream is temperamental.
On the dessert scale, ice cream is the high maintenance one that needs everything to be just right before it will cooperate. If it’s too cold, it becomes impossible to scoop, forcing you to wait for it to thaw before digging in. If it’s too old, it gets freezer burned to the point of becoming nearly inedible. The only time ice cream MIGHT have a temporary advantage over cake is when you need something cold to give you some kind of relief from the sun. But you better not take too long, because your ice cream dream will quickly turn into a drizzling nightmare once the stuff starts melting all over you.
If only there was something that could hold ice cream to make it more manageable while eating. Oh wait, there is… And it’s CAKE!
Ice Cream Cones ARE Cake
Can you imagine ice cream without the cone? I mean you could, but ice cream in a cup is the lamest thing ever. Cones are practically a requirement for eating ice cream, but have you ever stopped to think about what an ice cream cone is?
Yup, it’s cake!
The truth is that ice cream would be nothing without cake to (literally) prop it up. Considering that the Splatfest icons show the ice cream IN A CONE, I’m accepting this as Marina’s silent form of resignation, making cake the only option in Splatfest history to be included in BOTH choices. So at the end of the day, every vote for cake is a vote for cake, but every vote for ice cream is a vote for ice cream AND cake, meaning Team Ice Cream has lost before the battle has even begun.
It’s true.
You can’t refute this logic, but if you want to try, make sure to comment below and try your hand at discrediting cake’s superiority. What team did you choose, and will you be playing the first Splatoon 2 Splatfest from 3-7 PST today?
The full version of Splatoon 2 will launch for the Nintendo Switch on July 21.