First off, sorry this is so late. Like, it’s crazy late. First it was two days late and then I had to figure out how to make it worth being two days late. And then I started a new job and had an anniversary. And now it’s a week late. Though, as far as deadlines though, it’s never felt better to have people saying ‘WHERE THE FUCK IS IT’ to me. Glad you guys are enjoying these.
So. The finale.
If last week’s Blackwater was the best sex of your life, then Sunday night’s season finale was being allowed to roll over and fall asleep immediately following that sex. And then waking up and eating a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and having Brandon Cruz from your 8th grade homeroom send you a Facebook message apologizing for all that punching and would you be interesting in a coupon for a free lawn mowing?
He does a good job, by the way.
To the map.
We actually hung out with the Lannisters longer than I thought we would. Tyrion is basically getting the shit end of the stick from everyone when he should be recognized as a hero. He has a sweet little moment with Shae and we move on to a scene I almost couldn’t handle…
King Joffrey AND Littlefinger? ONE ROOM? It’s like having two Bill Hicks on stage, but less mullets and turtle necks. At least Natalie Dormer isn’t in the room because I’d poop my pants I JUST POOPED MY PANTS.
Margaery is in and Sansa is out. If Joffrey touches my Dormer I will get into that TV like Captain N but with television and not 8-bit games. Littlefinger makes his move to get Sansa out of King’s Landing. For those not paying attention, he’s now the lord of a castle. He just passed go in the Game of Thrones. He’s the man.
Also, Jack Gleeson is so good at his job.
Also also, horse dump.
OH! I knew I was leaving something out of King’s Landing. Varys has a super long scene with the made up for the show hooker who I still don’t see the point in. That was three potential minutes of the Hound pulling people’s guts out that we were completely robbed of.
I’m starting to wonder if George RR Martin got the HBO guys together at the beginning and was like ‘guys. I realize now that I needed this hooker for the story to work. Get her in there. Trust me, it needs to happen. Also, Greedo shot Bronn first.’
THE ROBB ZONE!
It’s tough to talk season finale and keep it book-spoiler free. But I’ll try:
Robb married the nurse. I kind of expected them to not end their storyline where they did, and I’m wondering if Chaplin’s grand daughter is going to really have anything to do with her counterpart in the book. See, her counterpart in the book has this whole other thing going on that I thought they’d get to in the show until she had the monologue about that one thing and then I was like ‘hrm because that’s pretty different’ because in the book she’s a different person so when they get married everyone is all like ‘you did whaaaaat? nuu uhhh’ but I’m also wondering if the thing in the book and the thing on the show happening differently will even matter in the long run because they both lead to the same result probably.
We also continued the rift between Robb and his mother. They’ve given Robb a nice reason to fly off and marry this girl, aside from the fact of, you know, look at her. He’s also furious at his mother for letting Jaime go, so he’s sort of blaming his arranged marriage on her, too. But does he really need a reason? Show Nurse Chaplin that the extra B in your name stands for Boning Master, King of the North! (note: the extra R in my name stands for ‘Repressed anger and feelings of inadequacy. King of the Therapy!)
Also, Jaime Lannister and Brienne. They run into some Northerners and Brienne just wastes them. I love Brienne. I love that they haven’t made the easy choice of Brienne winking at the camera and shouting I’M A WOMAN before doing something intensely bad ass. It could have easily been the route they went- cheap points for a strong feminist character! But the truth is, Brienne hates being a woman. She’d probably hate being a man. She’s been through hell and she’s been conditioned to hate herself, period.
I love Brienne almost as much as I love Jaime Lannister. I love that anytime someone calls him the Kingslayer, he confronts them with the logic of his choice and all they can do is sputter back ‘yeah, well…Kingslayer!’ and he just has to roll his eyes and say something charming and pretend it doesn’t eat him alive that he’s been cast as the villain.
Is he a villain? I’m mean, he’s not the nicest guy. He pushed Bran out a window and all that. So that was something. But aside from that…tiny bit of attempted child murder, the only thing he’s guilty of is serving his family and being better than everyone. And as Americans know from watching dumb coke addicts like Lindsay Lohan, the only thing we like more than worshipping someone is eventually dragging them through the mud.
WHAT IS DEAD IS ALWAYS HIGH!
I just realized how much shit I give Theon for the whole sister fingering thing, but I haven’t really said one word about Jaime fathering three kids with Cersei. Maybe because he just does it with so much fucking style.
God damn it. Guys, book 3 is so good. You’re just not ready. It’s the best book in the series by far. It’s going to run through seasons 3 and 4, and I am crazy excited because the whole thing just belongs to Brienne and Jaime. And Jon. And Sam.
Stannis is not thrilled about getting jobbed out at King’s Landing. He gets a little joffish with Melisandre and chokes her out. Melisandre shows him a vision in the flames that gets him back on track: He’s not just the rightful king, he’s the Warrior of Light. I sort of want Melisandre to talk less. She’s a scary sorceress that craps shadow assassins. They should use her dialogue sparingly, otherwise she starts to hit Prequel Yoda Syndrome (PYS). See, in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, Yoda is awesome. He drops little backwards speak bombs and they make a huge impression. But in the prequels, they start having him deliver whole conversations and monologues in backwards speak, and it just sounds stupid. So back off the talky, Melisandre. We know the night is dark and full of terrors, and we’re kind of terrified just knowing you’re around.
Seriously, one sentence per episode. You’re terrifying.
Also, why didn’t we get to see the shadow visions? You’d think they were holding out for a lot of visual effects at the end of the show or something.
Theon. I think they attempted to make us feel sorry for the guy, and fuck that. Theon is a little bitch, and I laughed my ass off when Chris Finch knocked him out cold in the middle of shouting his ‘this is our Independence Day and they’ll never take our Freedom’ speech. The Iron Islanders pack it up, put a sack on Theon’s head and go home, because fuck a bunch of dealing with Bolton’s Bastard’s 500 Northmen outside the gates.
By the way, I would buy a shirt that says Bolton’s Bastard on it. Just saying, HBO. Just saying.
They also stab Luwin, which is pretty sad. Luwin is a nice guy.
A while later, Osha and Hodor emerge from the catacombs with Bran and Rickon, and Winterfell has been completely razed to the ground. Now, this is the only spot I felt the show truly stumbled. I think they were trying to set up some mystery, but made it confusing instead: Did Finch and the Iron Islanders burn the place after all and run? Did the Northmen burn everything? What’s even happening? That’s the only downfall of having read the books. I know what happened and I felt like they fumbled a bit on the delivery.
Also, why not show us Winterfell being burned to the ground? Why are you guys being so skimpy with the special effects?
Anyway, Luwin says his goodbyes to the boys and suggests Osha take them north to the Wall and Jon Snow. Osha gives Luwin a clean death and they’re on their way. On their way where? According to the character list released by EW, they’re ON THEIR WAY TO MEET JOJEN AND MEERA FUCKING REED!
Change the name of the show. Game of Reeds. Or Reeds on Thrones. Or something. Just…I’m so happy.
Daenerys, Jorah, and Faithful Guy arrive at the House of the Undying. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Dani wants to find her dragons. Inside the temple, she ends up walking through strange visions…The throne room of King’s Landing, charred to rubble, covered in snow. Really haunting, quiet scene. Looked great. And a visit from Drogo and the son she gave up to save him. It’s a touching moment that would have been more effective if she hadn’t annoyed the shit out of me all season.
And then, with two quick scenes, Dani completely redeems herself. She gets a villain monologue from the Warlock, rolls her eyes at him, and has her dragons burn him to death. It’s awesome. And then she locks Ducksauce and her traitor handmaiden inside that vault. Just like that, the Mother of Dragons reclaims her Bosshood.
Somewhere outside of Harrenhal, Arya encounters Jaqen. She wants to know how to kill dudes like he does, but she wants to find her family first. Jaqen recognizes that her priorities are dumb, but plays along: he gives her a coin. A special coin to show anyone from Braavos along with the words ‘Valor Morghulis,’ and Jaqen will know to find her.
And then he changes his fucking face.
You guys, Arya is the best.
NORTH OF THE WALL!
Jon Snow and Qhorin Halfhand are being taken to the camp of Mance Rayder. Qhorin is still dead sest on his plan to get Jon in the ranks of the Wildlings, so he attacks him. Artic Attack Skeletor lets them fight it out, and Qhorin goads Jon into killing him. His last words, quietly to Jon, are a reminder: ‘we are the watchers on the wall.’ It’s like the last scene in Lost In Translation.
Jon is freed, having won some Wildling cred. Ygritte doesn’t remind him that he knows nothing, but she does tell him it’s time to meet the King Beyond the Wall. Boom. He’s in.
And we kind of see the camp, but they didn’t make it look as vast and threatening as they could have. WHERE IS THE VISUAL EFFECTS BUDGET?
Oh right. It’s in the marauding fucking army of White Walkers. Sam, Grenn, and Third Guy hear three blasts from the horn and shit their pants. And rightfully so: Look at this fucking Wight:
You guys, season 3. .
Here’s the deal. Season 1 was about Ned Stark, and how the world related to him and interacted with him. Season 2 was really about a world reeling without a man like Ned Stark in it. Season 3 is going to be about these characters you love growing a pair and realizing they don’t need a world with Ned Stark: It’s got them in it.
You know how excited you are about the season premiere right now?
You know nothing, six people that read this.