Tag: Geeks in Public

Geeks in Public: Barbecue Etiquette

by meepblop

 

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Summer is upon us, which means grills are being fired up across the nation. From June through September, a person can’t step outside to pick up the latest issue of Nintendo Power without stumbling into a barbecue. Commonly used by Ordinary People as an excuse to drain a pony keg* or an annual opportunity to buy corn on the cob, barbecues are a very particular type of social situation. While the basic dynamics of the event might resemble those of the common house party, there are several key differences.

Barbecues take place outdoors and begin much earlier in the day. They tend to start off much smaller and quieter, as well. While parties tend to be punctuated by post-pre-funk guests bursting through doors and shouting “Woooo!!!,” barbecue guests tend to stroll onto the scene with a casual “Heeeey!” While pajama jammy jams tend to be the social equivalent of a meat market, barbecues are like an extended ice breaker: it’s harder to hide in a small group, but actually easier to socialize. This makes them an ideal event for the burgeoning social geek.

Fashion

 

Let’s face it. Geeks and sunlight do not occupy the same airspace on a regular basis. This can result in either severe pastiness or uneven tans of a farming variety. This doesn’t mean you need to pull a Diane Keaton when dressing for a barbecue. Showing a little skin is expected and perfectly acceptable, just know how much and when. Shorts are actually preferable to jeans. However, avoid jean shorts at all costs.

When it comes time to put on a shoe, opt for something in the flip-flop or casual tennis shoe family. If you decide to choose a shoe that necessitates a sock, never wear a sock that is darker than the shoe you choose. This creates something called The Grandpa Effect and will greatly reduce your swerve rating with the opposite sex. Also a barbecue no-no for male geeks is the tank top (see aforementioned pastiness and/or farmer’s tan). A casual short-sleeved button down or t-shirt will work just fine. You can even wear one of your clever geek tees as long as you make sure you choose the easiest one to explain. A well-known pop culture reference would be ideal. Some obscure reference to C++ translated into binary code? Not so much.

Food

 

Paramount to the barbecue experience is the ritualistic grilling of food over a fire. This tradition harkens back to the dark ages, when men and women would gather around public bonfires and pray to the gods to bless their bacon crops. In modern life, bacon is making a comeback as an important component of the barbecue menu. Anything can be wrapped in it, most notably hotdogs. If you are feeling daring and/or want to wow your hosts, bring a pack of hotdogs and a pack of bacon. If bacon-wrapping is already prevalent in the social circle in question, you will be welcomed as a compatriot. If the thought of ensconcing meat in other meat hadn’t yet crossed their minds, you will be hailed as a god. If you aren’t sure you like hotdogs wrapped in bacon, try it out at home first. Once the Bacon Seal has been broken, refusing a bacon-wrapped item without a good reason is tantamount to barbecue treason.

There will also be many interesting and mysterious side dishes, including potato salad, five bean salad, pasta salad, green salad and baked beans. Most versions of said sides, even giant store-bought lousy cheapskate tubs of them, are delicious. Take a little of each, but don’t take too much. Etiquette dictates you should always leave some for the person after you. Another thing to be particularly aware of is the innate messiness of all foods involved in a barbecue. Use condiments sparingly. If you apply too much goo to a bun, it will come back to haunt your lap as soon as you take a bite. Barbecue foods also like to hide in teeth, so it’s a good idea to bring some dental floss. After you eat, retire to the water closet to clean yourself up. Nobody wants to talk to someone with food all over their damn face.

Conversations

 

Since there are many fun things to do in the summertime, barbecue conversations tend to be event driven instead theoretical. One of the more common and frenzy-inducing subjects being talked about will be camping. Ordinary People are constantly just getting back from or just getting ready to go on a camping trip. You can relate to them on this subject even if the last time you went camping was 15 years ago with your parents. Simply use general terms. For example, “The one time I went camping 15 years ago I ended up with poison oak down my pants” becomes a joking “Watch out for poison oak balls!” This generalization technique will also work if someone asks you what your own plans are for the summer months. Instead of “I am spending my summer in the basement hand painting sentries for my king’s army,” try “I am spending time exploring the arts.”

Ancient Grillin’ by Michelangelo

Barbecues are a way for Ordinary People to forget their troubles and pretend they are at one with nature, so try to avoid serious or negative subjects. Other than a casual lament about a tough day at the office, try not to talk about work. Technical talk should also be avoided unless it pertains to an extracurricular DIY project. Whatever you do, don’t get started on the dubious contents of a hotdog. Science is a fascinating subject, but not as it pertains to something being put into someone’s mouth.

 

Exit Strategy

 

At some point you will need to leave the barbecue, preferably before someone whips out a guitar and the situation devolves into an endless acoustic jam session – but first you must relay your goodbyes. Anyone you are talking to at the time of your exit should be politely notified you are exiting the conversation program. If alcohol has done its job, they won’t be offended. The most important goodbye will be to your host(s). They should also get a thank you, even if you didn’t have a particularly kick ass time. After that, a louder “bye!” accompanied by a short, spastic wave to the general assembly is enough to see you out the door. Once you are safely back in your lair, you can begin the process of detoxing from all the fresh air.

 

*Pony keg – Pressurized containers holding the equivalent of half a keg** of beer (7.75 gallons).

**Keg – Those big silver beer dispensers frat boys often drink from upside-down.

Geeks in Public: Grocery Shopping

by meepblop

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Fact: Even geeks need to eat.

When you find yourself reaching for a handful of potting soil to sustain you through another level of N+, it’s probably time to head out into the world to find some food. Blood banks and hobo barbecues are a great place to find a quick snack, but for more long-lasting culinary supplies you will need to visit a neighborhood supermarket.

From the Latin super, meaning “big,” and market, meaning “food buying place,” supermarkets, these big food buying places, can seem positively labyrinthine in their layout. They are also teeming with strange characters blocking your path to precious supplies. An unprepared geek is at risk of being physically and emotionally bludgeoned at the hands of flailing toddlers and free sample pushers. Worry not! Understanding a few simple techniques of the grocery shopping experience can help you more easily attain the food you require.

 

Supermarket Schematics

 

Every grocery store has been laid out in a certain way, designed to make your brain melt and cause you to buy things you don’t need. Entire books have been written on the subject of grocery store layout. Don’t read them. Instead, arm yourself with a mental blueprint based on your own unique needs. Know where you have to go ahead of time and which areas you can avoid completely. Obtaining this knowledge may require some scouting or satellite recon, but is well worth the effort. You can even draw yourself a little map to lead you on your quest for sustenance.

Quick tip: In most grocery stores, the produce section is to one far end of the store. By simply knowing which end, you will be able to avoid fresh fruit and vegetables indefinitely.

 

Make a List

 

Lists aren’t just for Type-A weirdos anymore. Formal studies have probably shown that they reduce stress and aid in time management. Since so few geeks have the financial or mental wherewithal to make a day of it at the supermarket, writing down what you need ahead of time is vital. Whether it be a typed, formatted and color printed list or a few items jotted down on a Star Trek sticky note, think of your list as a katana slicing away at the inefficiencies of public consumerism. Here are some common essential items to help you get started:

*Various dry cereals
*Peanut butter
*Soft Batch cookies
*Instant mac n’ cheese
*Microwave burritos
*Microwave everything else

Quick tip: A formal list an also be a useful stranger deterrent. If unintentional eye contact is made with a fellow shopper, look at your list. Not wishing to interrupt your study, they will pass by harmlessly.

 

Understand Your Foe

 

When you cross through those sliding doors into the controlled atmosphere of a grocery store, chances are you won’t be the only person in there. At any given time of day or night, there will be between 10 and 700 other shoppers going about their own food buying. Some of them will be mercifully disinterested in disturbing the equilibrium of the world around them. A simple nod of acknowledgment is enough to appease these gentle souls.

Others will be demon harpies bent on sucking you in to their hellish business. These individuals will bring unleashed children into the store to burn off energy. They will park their carts in the middle of the aisle and wander off to find elusive toothpicks and breadcrumbs. They will assail your ears with idle weather talk and repeated use of the word “tampons.” Ignoring these “free spirits” is your only recourse if you wish to remain anonymous. If they are blocking your path to a necessary item, a minor adjustment to your shopping route may be necessary to help you avoid their path entirely. Should you prefer to confront them, however, a quick Mongolian chop to the neck is a good way to start things off.

 

Quick tip: Pick a song that takes you to a happy place and sing it repeatedly in your head to tune out unwanted chatter. I suggest “Spanish Flea” by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass.

 

Paper or Plastic?

 

Once you have gathered your wares, you are ready to head to the checkout counter. This is possibly the most trying leg of your journey. All of the aforementioned shoppers are now crammed into tiny silos lined with impulse buy items, unloading their coveted finds onto conveyor belts in an orgy of distracted mayhem. Some of them are just now remembering items they forgot and dashing back out of line. Others will be interrogating the cashier about the nature and legitimacy of the charity to which they were just asked to donate 13 cents. A very special few will be writing checks or arguing about the price on that expired box of Mother’s Day chocolates they found on the floor in the back of the store.

Basically, if anyone in your chosen line appears to be thinking a little too hard, choose another line. Remember to have any necessary cards (debit, ID, reward) at the ready. Failure to do so is really effing annoying to the person in line behind you.

Quick tip: You don’t need whatever thing you think you need from the checkout aisle. Not even those little horoscope scrolls.

 

Food in hand, you are ready to return to the welcoming embrace of your home. Stow your food carefully on your makeship particle-board pantry shelves and settle back down on the couch. Put your feet up, fire up the Xbox and enjoy a few hundred delicious carbohydrates. You’ve earned them!

Geeks in Public: Office Edition

by meepblop

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Not all geeks are fortunate enough to have broken into the glamorous, high-paying worlds of comic book shop clerking or movie theatre ushering. Many modern geeks are forced into the corporate world to hold a “day job,” a job which pays the bills in order to facilitate outside habits and hobbies. Whether hourly or salaried, these jobs are usually considered by the geek holding them to be temporary. However, these offices tend to be populated by a strange and terrifying breed: people who actually want to be there. Your specialized brand of knowledge can be refreshing to them at first, but they will turn on you if they feel confused or threatened.

So, until that screenplay you’ve been writing sells or you finally pay off the credit card you used to buy that Jessica Meade prototype action figure, here are some tips on how to function as a geek within a Corporate Office.

 

People you will meet:

 

Long-Suffering Administrative Staff. Hardened by years of being someone’s bitch, their matching separates belie a hard shell of inappropriate snark. For a truly uncomfortable time, spark up an after-work conversation over a Lemon Drop. Ask them about their divorce.

The I.T. Department. This department can range from frat boys with computer science degrees to kindred spirits who name corporate copy machines after Transformers. Don’t get too attached. Due to a high level of marketable skills, its members are often leaving for better jobs at companies that don’t suck so much.


“Try shutting it down and restarting it.”

Managers. You will have to deal with at least one of these during your tenure, but more likely 10 or 12. They range in shape and size but are usually the settled-down type.

Upper Management. These elite individuals are always in a meeting. While they are in fact mortals, for the amount of contact you will have with them, they may as well be in a giant white photography studio in a pocket dimension.

 

Acceptable topics for conversation:

 

Children. Many people in your office will probably have children and are always willing to talk about them if you have between 10 minutes and an hour to spare. New babies may even visit the office. Their feet are tiny and even their farts are considered adorable. Be wary of co-workers with teenagers, however. Every single teenager spawned by an office worker is either totally amazing at everything or falling in with a bad crowd.

Pets. If discussing human spawn is not your cup of ambrosia, try domesticated animals. Most co-workers will have one, either as a pre-child or an empty nest refill. Research some of the more popular dog breeds so you can identify them on various breed-themed wall calendars.


Golden Retriever: Very Popular

Office Space. Everyone working in an office loves to mention and/or misquote this film. Before you chime in by reciting the entire film verbatim, remember that most of them will have only just seen it for the first time. Be gentle.

 

Advantages of being an office geek:

 

Guilty Pleasures are OK. In a corporate office, the bar for what is considered deviant culture is set at about carpet level. In this magical fairyland, SpongeBob is the height of cleverness. If you secretly find enjoyment in something that would garner you ridicule in your real life, now is the time to indulge.

Minimum Effort. Whether it be making a short film or carrying a Muppet Babies lunchbox, anything you do outside the business casual norm will be considered a monument to brilliance in an office. Take care to avoid critical mass. Too much of any one thing will raise managerial eyebrows, which are the worst kind of eyebrows.


“We need to talk about your mini posters…”

An office job can seem treacherous for a geek, full of strange smells and innate blandness. But by utilizing the cunning and natural charm all geeks possess, the staple-riddled wilderness can be conquered. Or you can just hide in your cube all day, what do I care? I have to get back to work.

 

For any questions, suggestions, feedback, or guidance in any part of non-geek culture, please email Faye at GeeksInPublic@gmail.com