Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

In our first lesson together oh so long ago, I discussed the pointless intricacies of corporate office employment. What I failed to mention at the time was the constant, unrelenting soul suckage inherent in such jobs. As geeks, our minds crave a higher level of entertainment and variety. So what’s a geek to do when they reach that inevitable and accelerated burnout point in order to keep those paychecks coming? Below is an example of how a typical geek might fill their day in order to give the appearance of being a happy and productive cog. Or at the very least not go too entirely insane.

8:13am – Arrive at Work. Attempt to appear frazzled and winded to deflect questions related to tardiness.

8:15am – Log on to computer. Open all necessary applications. Skim and subsequently ignore business-related email.

8:18am – Check Gmail. Delete unwanted messages and spam. Read Dictionary.com’s word of the day. Realize that job is killing your vocabulary in addition to your soul and vow to recapture your former academic glory by quitting immediately.

8:20am – Check Television Without Pity for recaps of shows you watched the night before. Read weecaps and recaplets online. Copy and paste full recaps of last week’s shows into Word document for Maximum Stealth Action.

8:30am – Read recaps. Keep hand on mouse for quick switching to Outlook inbox upon interloper approach.

9:00am – Re-arrange toys and action figures by height.

9:15am – Distracted by nail clipping sounds from neighboring cube. Email Vice President of company requesting action be taken against offenders.

9:30am – Check daily web comics.

10:00am – Team meeting. Keep eyes open through sheer force of will. Realize that job is killing all remnants of faith in human intelligence and vow to recapture former ability to give fellow man the benefit of the doubt by quitting immediately.

11:00am – Re-arrange toys and action figures alphabetically by surname of public identity.

11:30am – Check Gmail. Delete messages related to enlarging manhood. Verify all games, crafts, social networking, media and sports-related sites and blogs are still blocked by the humorless corporation that has enslaved you.

12pm – Lunch away from desk so they can’t find you.

1pm – Return to desk. Note stale fart smell that has enveloped the area. Reminisce about ComicCon. Open flickr account and look at photos of ComicCons past. Consider career in photography.

1:30pm – Check Gmail. Realize that job-based frustrations have caused you to become a hermit, thereby killing your social life, which explains why you have no email from friends since you have nothing to talk about since you never do anything anymore but watch tv. 

1:31pm – Check Television Without Pity for new recaps.

2:00pm – Re-arrange toys and action figures into hoedown formation. 

2:15pm – Consider creative solution to a problem presented by a superior. Decide instead to take blandest and easiest route possible. Realize that job is killing your desire to think and create and vow to recapture former creativity by quitting immediately.

2:15pm – Make hypothetical travel plans on Priceline.com. Entertain elaborate fantasies about winning the lottery.

3:00pm – Peanut Butter Cup Break.

3:15pm – Adjust Netflix queue. Realize there is not enough time in the world to watch all the classics you just added, which you should have already seen by now if you are to call yourself any sort of movie nerd. Assuage guilt by remembering how many terrible straight-to-video horror movies you have endured. Move National Treasure: Book of Secrets to top of queue.

3:30pm – Rename all co-workers using the Sarah Palin Baby Name, Smurf Name and Pirate Name Generators. Attempt same exercise with Porn Name Generator. Get disturbed by unwelcome mental images of co-workers. Cleanse brain with visit to Engrish.com.

4:00pm – Re-arrange toys and action figures into procedural drama courtroom scene.

4:15pm – Google various British soap operas and determine how many characters you still recognize. Realize your job is killing your hopes, dreams, youth and good looks and vow to recapture former glory, weight and facial elasticity by immediately quitting and moving to England.

4:45pm – Sign timecard.

4:54pm – Begin closing all necessary applications.

4:57pm – Log off of computer. Stare at screen until clock on phone reads:

5:00pm – Flee workplace as if pursued by a vindictive banshee. Return home to bask in the unconditional love of your dog and your television.

As you can see, this is no way to spend the majority of one’s waking hours. Don’t tolerate such mediocrity! Quit Your Day Job isn’t just a Swedish band who sings about pissing on pandas. It’s a suggestion, a necessity, a hope for a better future. Go forth and be awesome, my fellow geeks.

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

In the days of old, humans would live, work and play almost exclusively outdoors. They toiled happily in the mud and died at the age of 35. As time went on and things became less smallpoxy, humans began to move indoors, where most modern living, working and playing now occurs. Every once in a while, however, some Ordinary People begin to hear the distant echo of nature’s siren song. Not about to give up their comfortable indoor lives, they heed this call on a temporary basis by going camping.

Camping is an activity in which Ordinary People pack their cars full of specialized equipment and drive out into the relative wilderness to light fires, commune with nature and drink many beers. For a housebound geek, such a concept can seem frighteningly fresh-scented and lacking in power outlets. In reality, it can actually be a rewarding social experience full of spiritual revelations and chipmunks. Also, you get to light marshmallows on fire.

Nature is inevitable, my fellow geeks, so roll up that GoBots sleeping bag and let’s go camping!

Supplies

When the concept of sleeping in the Great Outdoors first crystallizes in your mind, you might not think there’s much to it. However, a quick trip to the camping department of any sporting goods store will illustrate just how complicated the art of camping can be. Aside from the obvious sleeping bags and tents, there are camping-specific versions of almost all products used in everyday life, from heavy duty waterproof food baggies to biodegradable toilet paper and toothpaste. The supplies you will need for your camping trip will depend on several factors:

• Geographic Area. Different landscapes require different supplies. If you are camping in a sandy area, you will want to equip yourself with sand-keepy-outy materials such as airtight bags and things made out of plastic. In addition, different areas of the country have higher insect and man-eating bear populations requiring increased levels of industrial strength insecticides and bear armor.

• Weather. Tarps are always a good idea regardless of whether they are intended to create a shady area on sunny days or a dry area on rainy days. Likewise, the weather will affect the level of necessary waterproofing and/or sun screening. Never bring sandals as your only shoe option.
• Available Facilities. Some campgrounds will have modern toilets and even pay showers available. Other campgrounds are minimal, equipped with only the most rudimentary of toilet facilities. These types of places might call for some of that environmentally friendly toothpaste and toilet paper, since you are more likely to be spitting on the ground and pooping in a hole. Research your campground.

Setting up Camp

Ordinary Person camping traditionally takes place in designated camping zones (AKA “campgrounds”), consisting of a series of lots cordoned off either visibly by nature or invisibly by leprechaun magic. These lots usually contain several things:

• a parking space
• a flat spot for your tent(s), or sometimes a low, sandbox-y structure filled with feather soft gravel
• a picnic table
• at least one designated location for burning stuff

Once you arrive at the campground, you will need to give your body a few minutes to acclimate to the (presumably) fresh air. Don’t try to move too fast or the high oxygen levels and crispness of the morning dew will cause dizziness and nausea.

Because campgrounds get very dark, there is a push on arrival to get the vehicle unpacked and everything set up to avoid stumbling around for tent poles in the cold, bear-filled night. Food is distributed to the proper sealed containers depending on whether it needs refrigeration. Bug repellent sprays are placed within easy reach. And, most importantly and potentially difficultly, the tent is pitched.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I can build a military-grade global positioning device out of discarded TI-81 and Commodore 64 parts, but I can’t put together a prefab nylon sleeping dome? Like eating a salad on a date, putting together a tent can be a truly awkward and embarrassing event if you’re not experienced. Don’t be afraid to ask your fellow campers for help or guidance. Ordinary People who camp a lot are always more than willing to illustrate their vast knowledge and skill related to campy doings.

Analog Activities

After the first thrill of arriving and exploring the general area, you might start to go through a bit of Technology Withdrawal. To offset this, try to cram as much video game playing, internet browsing and laptop charging into the days leading up to your trip so you are as close to sick of it as possible by the time you leave. This won’t solve the problem completely, but will serve as a Band-Aid until you are back in the regular world. Hopefully, once you are actually settled in your campsite you will begin to realize that, though campgrounds are largely devoid of electricity-based activities, there are actually tons of other things to do while camping.

Card and board games are a good way to pass the time at the campsite, especially those which can be played in shorter rounds and with fewer small parts. In other words, a quick, stoppable game like Apples to Apples is preferable to a 5-hour marathon round of Risk. Reading is another acceptable, albeit socially isolating, activity. If you are camping near a river or lake, floating around, skipping rocks or poking at the water with a stick are all good pastimes. Day hikes are also usually a safe bet; since there’s only so far you can go without hitting another campsite, you won’t have to worry too much about sore feet or pit stank. Be careful, though, since bears are all around waiting to eat you. When it starts to get dark it’s best to head back to base camp to start drinking around the fire.

Camping can seem like a daunting and alien activity to undertake. The fresh air, lack of television and flesh-hungry bear populations create a situation contrary to anything you might consider normal or pleasurable. Take a deep breath and let all those things go. Your pop-culture cluttered mind will begin to quiet as you begin to commune with nature, rising and retiring for the day with the sun, just like Abraham Lincoln. And soon the beauty and majesty of nature will fill your heart with the true spirit of camping: not having to go to work.

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

As you may have noticed, many popular Ordinary Person activities involve a great deal of eating and drinking. On top of the typical geek’s existing diet of starch and soda, this can result in a gradual shift in body type, including the formation of beer bellies, love handles, muffin tops, chipmunk cheeks and bubble butts. Because many geeks tend to be slightly rotund or squishy to begin with, it may become necessary to adjust your activity levels to keep some of those excess calories from settling in your adipose tissue zones. There are many forms of exercise available, from jumping up and down to cat aerobics. But none has been more widely publicized and encouraged in the Ordinary World as joining a gym.

A gym is a space outfitted with various pieces of specialty equipment designed to make you feel a burning sensation in specific muscle areas and/or generally sweat like a corrupt cop in Gotham. Why subject yourself to that humiliation in public, you ask? For some Ordinary People, there is a specific event coming up in their lives (i.e. wedding, class reunion, trying to show an ex what they’re missing) that requires winding back the body clock. For most Ordinary People, though, working out in the company of others forces them to strive harder. Jealousy and shame are the world’s greatest motivating forces, and seeing other people who look good charges that competitive battery. Just like how watching that Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders show causes me to break into spontaneous sit-ups.

Choosing a Gym

There are various types of gyms, each catering to different levels of self-consciousness and the getting on of one’s swerve. Many modern gyms are specially designed so that everyone using the equipment can see everyone else, thereby facilitating blatant ogling of asses. This type of gym is great if you’re already a buff-bodied beefcake on the pull, but might be a bit overwhelming for the beginner geek.

Some gyms are smaller and more intimate, offering more specialized (or at least less publicized) workout advice and windows that don’t face busy streets. If initial slimming and toning is your primary goal, this might be a better option than a larger, meat market style gym. Some gyms even specialize in pandering to certain ages, genders or body types. These are ideal for geeks who don’t necessarily want to be seen sweating out their morning Lucky Charms.  Choose wisely. You can always move to another gym once you are a chiseled God-like creature.

What to Expect

Regardless of which type of gym you chose, there are several things common to all gyms.

Equipment: At first glance, a gym is really no different than a medieval torture chamber. Both contain a series of complicated, metal machines with various levers and pulley systems. Both are designed to test the limits of your body and bring you to the brink of pain-induced insanity. The differences will become clearer after you receive the instructional tour of the equipment.

Background Noise. Most gyms will have music pumping through the building at all times, typically of the Juniors Department House or Inoffensive Tripe Pop varieties. There are also usually televisions kept on at the gym in an effort to hypnotize patrons into burning more calories. They tend to be tuned in to news channels or sports, so prepare to get involuntarily caught up on current events and NASCAR rankings.

Smells. No matter how well ventilated or spacious a gym is, the fact of the matter remains that it is place of profuse sweating. Over time this creates a stale, mildly pungent odor similar to what you would experience when sniffing a Basset Hound. To minimize your contribution to this living history, please remember to wear deodorant. Also, always bring a towel with you when using a piece of equipment in order to wipe it and yourself down. You might not think you will need it when you’re climbing onto an exercise bike dry-faced and starry-eyed, but trust me. After about 10 minutes you’ll look and feel like Pizza the Hut.

Meeting People

The hope of meeting that special someone at the gym is another key reason to start slowly and learn your limits. Exercising raises your heart rate and causes you to sweat and breathe faster, otherwise known as huffing and puffing. A geek new to exercising is likely to reach the huffing and puffing threshold much faster, not to mention developing a face the color of a monkey butt. Only continual training and strengthening can get you to the point where you will be able to finish a pickup line without gasping for air and flying off the treadmill. It’s just like your mama always said: “Practice makes not making a complete fool of yourself at the very least.”

Once your level of huffing and puffing has been decreased, finding love at the gym might still be a challenge. In this age of “iPods” and “standards,” many hot-bodied Ordinary gym-goers might be either too distracted or too closed minded to spare a second glance at a humble geek. Eff those people. Try to find a nice, normal-looking person to talk to, or at least look at. Just try not to let the pressure of potential socialization cause you strain yourself. Don’t stay on one piece of equipment for too long, even if someone is watching you. Stopping after 20 minutes on the elliptical is far preferable than busting an artery in front of a girl.

Gym Alternatives

Before you rush out and sign a year lease on getting the body you’ve always wanted, keep in mind that joining a gym is not right for everyone. It’s a commitment, like marriage or a guinea pig. If after all you’ve read it still feels in your heart of hearts like going to a gym is not for you, there are several other ways to maintain your womanly shape.

• Get a dog. Dogs are a wonderful and loveable excuse to get exercise. Try to match the energy level of your dog. If they jump around, you jump around. If they wiggle their butts, wiggle your own butt. Take them for a walk, play fetch, sprawl belly up on the couch after a hard day’s playing. Just, please, draw the line at pooping in the yard.
• Tiny Gym Equipment. You can create a mini gym in your own living room with shrunken gym equipment such as a mini stair stepper. This will allow you to geek out while you work out, since you can tune the television to whatever you choose. For an added boost, tape your remote to a hand weight and feel the channel changing burn!
• Dance It Out. There are many examples of spontaneous yet suspiciously choreographed dance bringing people happiness, from the dance-laden musicals of yesteryear to She’s All That. But for a true workout, you gotta dance angry. I’m talking full on, Kevin-Bacon-in-a-barn-style Emo dancing. Think of something that really pisses you off, put on the Karate Kid soundtrack and let the rhythm get you. It’s gonna get you, anyway, eventually. 

 

Exercising can decrease your weight, increase your confidence and help you live longer. What say you, geeks? Still not interested? Then let me put it this way: The Behemoth only puts out a new game every 4 years, so you’ll need to make sure you’re set to live as long as possible. Now stop reading this and hit the weights!

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Previously on Geeks in Public: I gave pointers on how to navigate a grocery store. Hopefully you have been snacking happily at home ever since and your houseplants remain un-chomped upon. But now it’s time to move on to bigger and better methods of gaining regular sustenance. This will involve leaving the house, fellow geeks, and venturing into the most popular food venue among Ordinary People: The Restaurant.

You may be familiar with the concept of a restaurant already, however there are many viable eateries that don’t offer extra dippin’ sauce. “Real” restaurants are wonderful places where you can pay three times as much for something you could try to make yourself but probably never will. Flavorful, non-microwaved foods are brought to you on clean dishes by professional and often courteous wait staff. There are dessert trays! Restaurants are truly a bonanza of laziness, luxury and rampant sauce calories.

So if you realize another stroke inducing session of Galaga Legions is not going to fly on an empty stomach and you are completely out of dry Fruit Loops, it might be time to make a reservation… for excitement! Yes, I just said that!

Wardrobe

There are many types of restaurants of varying degrees of fanciness, necessitating varying degrees of fancypants. Most restaurants thend to be fairly casual and will let you in as long as you are wearing clothes. However, even “fine” “dining” establishments like The Olive Garden will sit you next to the bathroom if you look like a scrub, because apparently even the most welcoming of restaurant families are embarrassed by their weird relatives. You might want to wear one of your nicer t-shirts just to avoid an evening with that urinal cake smell.

There are also many fancier restaurants available for your sitting and eating pleasure. These are usually employed by Ordinary People only on payday, or when they want to pretend they are more important than they are. These distinguished restaurants offer smaller portions, dimmer lighting and will have unusual names like Ferocia and Plant. Eating at this type of eatery also takes an average of 4 hours, so if you’re in a rush, you might want to take a rain check. Since it’s not always easy to tell which restaurants are going to be fancy, you might want to peruse the restaurant’s homepage first.

The Nate Burleson Center for Kicking Ass and Taking Names

Behavior

Like wardrobe, behavior is dictated in part by the type of restaurant you are visiting. Some restaurants are trying to attract a more subdued, traditional crowd, while others thrive on the hilarious antics of shrieking hipsters. However, there are several basic rules to follow in any situation.

Rule #1 – Chew with your mouth closed. Grandma was right about this one, geeks, and in public it becomes even more important to not share your dental machinations with others.

Rule #2 – Do not comment negatively on the meals of your fellow diners, especially if said comment creates a comparison between food and baby excrement. Just blog about it later.

Rule #3 – Keep your gaseous emanations between you and the water closet. If you must rlease a teeny burp, do so in your napkin and be sure to formally excuse yourself.

From there, how you act is based mostly on the group you are in and the general volume level of the restaurant. In a quiet bistro-y setting, for example, you might want to avoid engaging in any raucous movie quote shouting matches or Dr. Horrible-related sing-a-longs.

Ethnic Food

One area of edibles many geeks are fairly new to is what is commonly referred to as “ethnic” food. This generally describes any style of dish originating in a foreign country, be it a curry, a burrito or a large sausage. So basically anything other than a ham sandwich… and sometimes even that can be considered ethnic depending on the ham.

Many of these ethnic foods closely resemble foods you may be familiar with (e.g. the aforementioned “burrito” is widely available at Ye Olde Taco Bell), but others are stranger in their design and presentation. In Ethiopian dishes, for example, bread is used as plates and plates are used as silverware. There are also various cultures which are much more comfortable with the random appearance of tentacles in their food.

Do some quick research on the geographical area of origin ahead of time and feel free to ask your waiter what ingredients make up a mystery dish, lest you discover later that your dinner entails entrails. Vegetarians should also be warned that what other cultures consider to be “vegetarian” might include various fish parts and byproducts. If you’re especially concerned, make your special requests before you wind up with a bowl full of oyster sauce and shrimp heads.

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Gather round, Geeks, and let me tell you the cautionary tale of Fanboy.

One fair summer evening, two of my compatriots and I assembled at a local theatre to attend an advanced screening of a particular kick ass film. It was there that we encountered Fanboy, a young theatre employee who appeared to be the Keeper of the Line, the front of which we were occupying. We had been excited about the film for some time, but apparently not as long as Fanboy, who announced to everyone who would listen the he had been waiting to see the film since the dawn of time and knew more about it than they did.

As the Keeper of the Line, Fanboy used his power to goad a poor Ordinary Couple who had picked up free passes to the film from somewhere, but weren’t quite sure what they were about to see. When asked if they were headed to the correct line, Fanboy demanded they tell him the complete name of the film before he would confirm. We assured the hapless couple they were in the right place. Fanboy answered our kindness by allowing a group of his friends to cut in line and proceed ahead of us into the theatre when the doors opened.

During the Q&A portion of the evening, Fanboy was overheard bragging to his neighbor that he was going to ask a question. He then proceeded to stand up and ask a question that any knowledgeable fan of the subject matter should have already known. Later, we witnessed Fanboy unsuccessfully trying to hit on his female coworker, proving once again that women are not necessarily attracted to self-satisfied blowhards.

In just this one evening, Fanboy managed to illustrate approximately one dozen Annoying Geek Behaviors and endear himself to approximately no one. While movies may be a Safe Zone for a geek, there are still common courtesies to display, especially if you hope to interact seamlessly with all of the Ordinary People who also frequent your local cinema.

Standing in Line

Not all movie types will necessitate a line. Romantic comedies, for example, tend to enjoy more of a trickle-in effect as their viewers are usually arriving gradually from dinner, shopping or losing a bet. And chances are you aren’t going to have to camp out to see a 3-hour Oscar bait period drama. But when you do wind up in a line, here are some tips to help you avoid a punchout:

• Don’t spend the whole time dropping trivia bits about the film you are about to see. Any fellow geeks in the line will probably already know everything you are talking about if not more, and Ordinary People just really don’t care that much about trivia.

• If you have a position towards the front of the line, try not to let more than 3 additional people join your established group. Any more than that will raise eyebrows, and also, seriously, plan ahead people. Why should I have to save you a spot just cos you’re lazy?

• It’s ok to dress up. In fact, theme-appropriate costumes related to genre films or beloved franchises are just one of the many areas in which geeks excel due to our superior attention to detail. But be prepared to field strange looks and questions from curious Ordinary People who don’t understand why you’re standing in the rain in a bathrobe with a towel draped over your shoulders. Sometimes the only appropriate answer to questions related to such circumstances is “You’re about to find out, my friend!”

Watching the Movie

One unfortunate lesson geeks must learn over time is that many Ordinary movie audiences are stupid. Whether it’s a group of candy wrapper rustling, popcorn chomping, gum-popping, loud talking Captain Obviouses, or an overly patient parent who won’t take their baby outside until the 10th minute of yowling, geeks must steel themselves or risk madness. Don’t go into the theatre unprepared! Sometimes simply understanding the minds of Ordinary People can help you cope with the flailing hordes.

Perhaps the most important thing to know is that Ordinary People simply aren’t as invested as you. To them, movies are pure entertainment and escapism, as opposed to the culmination of a lifetime of obsession. You may find yourself resenting the brainless, fratty touch a director has brought to your beloved franchise. But Ordinary People will only feel Fun! Action! Air Conditioning! Alternately, they may laugh inappropriately during a film you are deeply enjoying. Try to let it go and maintain focus. Because if you break concentration and let Ordinary People annoy you, the terrorists win.

Fanboy: Lessons Learned

#1 – Try to be polite about your pop culture knowledge. We geeks know we have an advanced level of useless movie fact retention compared to the average Ordinary Person, but there’s no reason to throw this in their faces unless they are jerks.

#2 – Research. If you want to ask a question during a special screening, do some research to make sure the question you want to ask hasn’t already been answered in countless interviews or film blogs. Practice your question aloud to get the phrasing correct. And, as hard as it may be, if a similar question to yours has already been asked and you haven’t prepared a backup… step down. Don’t be the guy who asks a variation of an answered question just to hear their own voice. Because, as hard as is for me to tell you, the actor/director/producer at the front of the theatre is probably not going to be your friend no matter which special t-shirt you’ve worn that day.

#3 – Nobody Likes a Douchebag. It’s true. Girls don’t like them, other geeks don’t like them, Ordinary People don’t like them and your mom also doesn’t care for them at all. A theatre is a crowded area and a stray elbow to the face can be passed off as an accident. So don’t be a douche. Life’s too short for broken noses.

Ode to Fanboy
by Faye Hoerauf

O, Fanboy!
Crown prince
of pompous douchery!
Your addlebrained crowings
echo forth into an earless night,
the glares of your nemeses
bouncing unheeded
off your stupid
yellow
coat.

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

“Sick day” is the term most commonly applied to taking a day off from work for no good reason. These days can be filled with fun, magic and whimsy, or they can be used to catch up on sleep lost playing too much Civilization Revolution. However, there is another, darker kind of sick day, a day so nefarious in its manifestation that even puppies weep at the mere thought of it: a day off taken due to actual sickness. These days are filled with misery and discontent; mountains of wadded tissues, various fluids consumed and expelled, failed attempts at octopus crochet. They are rightly considered by all to be a complete waste of perfectly good paid time off.

I recently took such a sick day, my fellow geeks, after coming down with what I can only describe as Acute Consumptive Meningitis. My Summer Olympics fever-addled brain subsequently melted into a quivering puddle as the horrific coughing continued to rattle my poor, Dickensian frame. I let my mind wander through various benign Ordinary People activities, none of which I would normally consider doing. But in my weakened state I began to wonder… would engaging in such an activity be preferable to coughing up one or both of my own lungs?

Below are my findings on three completely random activities not worthy of their own columns.

^Antiquing

Antiquing is a curious practice wherein an Ordinary Person or People will drive around all day stopping at various stores and quaint converted barns that sell old stuff. Be it furniture, dishes or 19th Century butter churners, certain Ordinary People just can’t get enough of that old, old stuff. However, for the common household antique nut, there is a vast difference between pretty old and old, old. We’re talking early-Luddite technology, as opposed to lava lamps. Because whereas “retro” or “vintage” items are trendy among young wannabes and smell like Value Village, “antique” items cost a billion dollars and smell like your Grandma’s house, which is much more respectable.

And yet from my experience, it is a rarity to hear tale of an Ordinary Person actually buying an item at any of these purveyors of the old. They will look, touch, appreciate and then leave the store without that rusted fireplace poker that may or may not have belonged to a descendant of some semi-important local dude. Perhaps it is because the thrill is in the hunt, not the purchase. Perhaps they realize that old stuff sucks more than new stuff. Whatever the reason, the point of leaving the house with little to no reward continues to elude me.

Advantage: Coughing up a lung

^Scrapbooking

Scrapbooking is the process of creating a hodgepodge of paper, ribbon, little metal dealies, photos and various memorabilia in a book to preserve precious memories. Once as simple as haphazardly gluing the ribbon you won in the 3-legged race into a book with a glue stick, scrapbooking has evolved into a meticulous and mind-boggling time-waster. I mean, art. Not to mention a bazillion dollar industry. Craft stores, art supply stores and even some advanced grocery stores have sections devoted entirely to the selling of decorative papers, specialty glues and those ever-important little metal dealies.

Certain factions of the Ordinary Person community eat this stuff up like a delicious, piping hot cheese pizza. It allows them to preserve their most cherished memories and express their artistic side in a completely inoffensive way. But, while all those overpriced sheets of pretty, pretty paper and shiny, shiny metal dealies are adorable and alluring, there is something inherently bizarre about being that into it all. And how far can it go? It’s a short, obsessive jump from “Baby’s First Step” and “Trip to the Beach!” to “Watching Her Through Binoculars” and “The Dog’s Tuesday Poop.”

However, in its purest form, pasting that pristine white ribbon from field day into an oversized album is still oh so satisfying.

Advantage: Scrapbooking (pure form)

^{Eating a Bucket of KFC}

Ah, Colonel Sanders, you loveable old Southern poultry baron with your delicious secret recipe. Everyone at some point in their life has succumbed family-style to the finger lickin’ goodness of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Those famous red and white tubs of fried meat have sat on countless potluck tables, an incredibly lazy yet infinitely welcome alternative to tuna casserole. Those warm, flaky biscuits haunt the dreams of many a man and woman in the darkest hours of the night. And yet… have you seen that place lately? There are like 75 things on the menu now, all of them clearly the product of the Colonel’s rapidly advancing dementia.

Modern commercials would have people believe that KFC is a welcome alternative to the drudgery of a home cooked meal. Their sauceless hot wings have the power to make women date you. Everything is better when eaten from a trough-like bowl. Lies, people! Women are actually 10 times LESS likely to date a chicken-covered greasy guy than one eating a carrot. The secret recipe is just salt and lard chips! You see, Colonel? I’m not afraid of you anymore, you rich bastard!

Anywho… Despite the almost hypnotic pull those damnable mashed potatoes have over my food-craving-gland, the fact remains that they can’t in good conscience even include the word “chicken” in the name of their company anymore. Therefore, nuts to you, KFC. Nuts to your whole lousy operation.

Advantage: Coughing up a lung

Couging up a Lung: Suprisingly Preferrable to at Least Two Things

Faye out

The Ceremony (AKA The Boring Part)

Weddings are usually kicked off by a ceremony, wherein some kind of officiating figure goads the bride and groom into professing their feelings for each other in front of the entire group. This portion of the event can last anywhere from 15 minutes to 80,000 hours depending on religion, personal preference and number of acoustic musical numbers performed by friends.

In some more traditional wedding ceremonies there will be a lot of standing, sitting and kneeling at various stages. You may even be asked to repeat something aloud. At least one person near you will know what they are doing in these instances, so just follow the crowd. Also be aware that the language and tone used during a ceremony will differ from wedding to wedding. Some of the things you will hear will be genuinely sweet and perchance bring a tear to thine eye. Others may be laughable; DO NOT LAUGH. A polite twitter at the bumbling of a ring exchange is the only acceptable type of laughter during a non-donkey wedding.

The Reception (AKA Everybody Get Drunk and Embarrass Yourselves!

Following the butt-numbing ceremony will come the wedding reception. This celebrated intergenerational free-for-all is punctuated by several key features:

This monstrosity cost thousands of dollars

Dancing – If you’ve ever wanted to see a 75-year-old woman do the Electric Slide, now’s your chance! Whether it be an open, club-style dance floor or one of several scheduled “traditional” dances (read: use of basic dance lessons), people at weddings are always dancing to terrible music. You don’t have to partake, but please try not to stare. Here are some of the songs you will probably hear:

• YMCA
• Celebration
• Baby Got Back
• That Chicken Dance song from the roller rink
• Butterfly Kisses or some shit

Let the fun begin!

Meeting People

Hollywood would have you believe that weddings are rife with attractive young ladies just dying to jump your bones in the coat closet. In reality, meeting people at weddings can actually be quite tricky. For one, people often bring dates to weddings, which means they are already partnered off for the evening. For two, because of the prevalence of quixotic, lovey-dovey stuff happening all around, some single geeks might begin to feel pressured to advance more quickly on the romance front. Take a deep breath. Have another Harvey Wallbanger.

If you do happen to end up talking to a single girl, keep the conversation light. Remember that she may very well be feeling the same pressure to immediately pair off and get married as you are. Try to diminish the awkwardness by avoiding overly sentimental topics like “feelings” and “weddings.” Talk about your cat or something.

Gifts

Most couples getting married will make gift-giving an easy task for you by making a list telling you exactly what to buy them. This list is called a registry, and usually includes some of the most boring stuff you’ve ever seen. While your geekly instinct might be to buy them something totally cool related to some kind of joke or history you share, try to resist. On most occasions, it is good to add a personal connection to a gift when possible. But remember that the purpose of a wedding is to get crap you don’t want to spend your own money on. So buy them the stupid silver ladle this time and save the USB Enterprise Foam Photon Torpedo Launcher for Christmas.

Faye Out.

 
From groups of neighborhood hooligans playing basketball in the street to nationally televised sporting events constantly preempting The Simpsons, sports are all around us. In mid-summer America we are currently mired in both the never-ending baseball season and the professional football pre-season. There are probably other sports happening in the world right now, but I can only maintain so many fantasy teams at once so back off!

No matter how much you may shun the popular notion of organized physical activities, you can’t avoid sports. Nor should you. After all, nobody said you have to get out and play a sport. Watching sports in groups can be a vastly entertaining and enlightening sociological study in Ordinary Person behavior.

So take a break from your Vader vs. Vader Soul Calibur IV marathon and go see what all the fuss is about.

Sports Fans

There are many types of sports fans, all varying in physical and socioeconomic makeup depending on where they live and which sport they follow. For example, American football fans tend to be louder and more uninhibited, while baseball fans consider themselves more cerebral and historically relevant. European soccer fans tend to be better at banner waving and punching each other, while tennis fans have mastered the art of not getting whiplash. There are many differences. However, there are three main types of sports fans you should know about before you walk into a room and start talking all kinds of crazy bullshit.

The Loyalist: Generally follows one team or sport through good times and bad over many years. Disparaging their particular obsession is more likely to lead to fisticuffs, so tread lightly.

The Generalist: Enjoys whichever sport is on at the time. Easier to talk to because they care less about what is happening in the game and more about the general experience.

The Bandwagoneer: Latches on to a popular team (usually a long-suffering underdog who is doing well that year) and pretends be a Loyalist. Due to their need to prove themselves, they tend to be the chattiest of sports fans. Try to punch holes in their knowledge!

Superstitions

One particularly interesting thing you will begin to notice during Sports Time is the prevalence of superstitious rituals and talisman worship. Depending on how the game is going for the team of interest, these rituals may include anything from a change of socks to the sudden mass eating of taquitos, which has been scientifically proven to lead certain football teams to touchdowns on 3rd and Goal. Don’t be scared by this voodoo-y turn of events: it’s just a sports fan’s way of helping their team. Here are some other common things you may see:

Rally Caps: When a team falls behind, caps are turned inside out towards the end of the game in an effort to release the spirits of bad juju from under the cap. Not recommended for expensive fedoras or hats that otherwise won’t turn inside out.

Lucky Clothing: Most fans will have at least one article of clothing related to their favored team. These must be worn religiously during games if the team is succeeding. If more than one article of clothing is available, the combination has to be tested and changed immediately if the team falters.

Shouting: Shouting disparaging remarks at opposing team members on the television is a helpful tool. It breaks their concentration and makes them feel bad about themselves. Be creative! Instead of calling someone a jerk or an asshole, try calling them a bloviating douche bag.

Location Changes: Teams can succeed or fail based on the global positioning of fans. Rotating or swapping seats acts as a reset button for a struggling team. If the favored team scores while you are out of the room, you may be asked to stay out of the room until something bad happens. Don’t be offended, this simply means that you possess god-like power over the outcome of the game.

Eat/Drink/Drink

Hopefully you won’t be on a diet when the time comes to attend a sports viewing party. Because without fail, there will be way too much food and almost none of it good for you. Expect several kinds of chips with various substances in which to dip them. Some sports are even associated with a specific salted nut or seed. Try to drink as much water as possible before you arrive to prepare your body for the onslaught of unnecessary sodium.

You should also expect to swim in a vast sea of beer, the most common sports-related beverage. If you plan on partaking of the brewage, it is customary and polite to bring at least a six-pack to contribute to the pile. Canned beers are ok, as they can be placed in the traditional sports-related beverage holder: the koozie. Be warned, though, that sporting events tend to last between 2.5 and 10 hours, so pace yourself.

The Sports Watching Geek

Now that you are prepared for who you will meet and what you will see, hear and consume, it’s time to watch the game. While sports may seem completely out of your realm of comfort and/or interest, they are in fact quite accessible to geeks given the proper direction. Baseball, for example, is a particularly geeky sport. Because games tend to move at an extremely slow pace, there are lots of gaps between moments of action which are generally filled with complicated mathematical statistics. If you enjoy that sort of thing, you might be able to maintain organic interest in the game. If not, try creating elaborate fictional back stories for the players based on your first impression of them.

A scene from the sport of Rugby, AKA British Twister

You can read up on the rules of a sport beforehand if you like, but you don’t always have to understand the game to appreciate what’s going on. Just follow the spirit of the crowd and use your superior powers of deduction to determine what has caused each instance of emotion. Try to limit use of the question “what just happened?” to two per half. Be prepared to stand up on occasion or jump up and down as the need arises. Practice your high-fiving accuracy, as well as “pounding it” (bumping clenched fists together in a show of manly solidarity).

Other than that, just have fun and revel in your newfound sportiness!

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Possibly no other type of establishment is of as great an interest to Ordinary People as the common bar. Alternately known as taverns, pubs, cantinas or good time boozeries, bars are a welcome oasis at the end of a bad day as well as a gathering spot in times of celebration. They can range in atmosphere from the musty comfort of a casual dive to the frenetic sparkle of an all-out ass factory, but they all share at least two basic characteristics: people will be talking and people will be drinking. This means they are a perfect arena for geeks to use and/or develop their talking and drinking skills. They are also often swarming with chicks.

Chicks, or “ladies” as they sometimes prefer to be called, tend to frequent bars in packs. This does not always mean they are on the prowl, but it does put the odds in your favor. Even among a small group of ladies, chances are there will be at least one who is willing to talk to you for a certain amount of time. Recognizing signs of interest and using your allotted time wisely can help put you on the path towards future girl interactions.

So put on a clean shirt and let’s head to the bar!

Booze & You

Venturing into the world of alcohol consumption can be initially worrisome for a geek. We tend to enjoy a modicum of control over our physical and mental faculties, and the addition of alcohol to the bloodstream can threaten that control. If you feel more comfortable continuing to maintain your sobriety, simply order a soda in a short glass with some kind of garnish. The bartender won’t give a crap what you order, and it will at least give the illusion of your participation in the sloppiness.

If you DO choose to imbibe, the best advice is to go slow. After the first drink, your brain may start to feel tingly and emit a strange feeling of general well-being which would dictate continuing on the same path. Just remember that once you kick off the drinking, your brain slowly becomes an idiot. Limiting yourself during the first phases of boozing is a new drinker’s best chance at avoiding unwanted ridiculousness. Here are a few more simple rules:

• Don’t drink something just because someone hands it to you.
• Don’t mix your alcohols no matter what drinking poetry you are quoted.
• Each drink you consume has a 15-20 minute lag time to reach its maximum effect. Just because you feel the warm glow of universal happiness NOW doesn’t mean you should immediately order another.

Be wary of alcohol’s siren song. Once you go black label, it is very difficult to go back. If you decide to drink, stick to drinking in public at first. Because apparently “social” drinking is much more acceptable than drinking $5 bottles of wine alone in your apartment while watching “Home Movies” on a continuous loop every night.

The Art of Conversation

Things move quickly in a bar, especially conversation topics. This is a struggle for geeks whose area of expertise tends to be specialized (i.e. Horror Geek). Theme Geeks often make the mistake of sticking too closely to one topic, even insisting on revisiting said topic long after it has been exhausted. This is directly contradictory to the natural flow of bar talk and can be upsetting to the Ordinary People who are trying to bask in their own randomness.

Rather than wait through an evening of conversation on the off chance that someone will begin a lively debate about which is the superior Wishmaster film*, it is a good idea to brush up on more general knowledge before a trip to the bar. Peruse some popular celebrity gossip websites. Write down some amusing anecdotes from your past (exclude the one about the time you singed off your eyebrows soldering your robot girlfriend together). Smaller bits of information on a wider array of topics will help you insert yourself more naturally into the conversation.

Chicks: A Primer

From the shrews of the old Bard to the remakes of the shrews of the old Bard, Hollywood has shown us that ladies can be a fickle bunch. Apart from the absence of a best-selling pop soundtrack, this is a true thing. Making things even more confusing is the fact that unseasoned geeks will have a difficult time reading any signals said ladies may or may not be giving off.

One good way to gauge the direction of a situation is to identify the major topics she is bringing to the conversation. If she wants to talk to you about abstract things, that is a good sign. Abstractions such as general feelings and life philosophies are considered “deeper” topics and can lead to the use of such bullcrap terms as “soulmates” and “getting each other.” However, if the lady starts talking about other boys or how badly she is PMS-ing right then, sorry. You are in the Friend Zone and it will likely be a cold day in the Hellmouth before she thinks of you “like that.”

Topics YOU should avoid when speaking to a girl include other girls in the bar, extensive action figure collection(s) and inappropriately inaccurate word origins (i.e. “picnic”).

Another way to determine whether or not you have a chance at some smooch-style action is by paying close attention to body language. Girls do all sorts of things with their hair, hands and posture to indicate whether or not they would consider allowing a boob touch. Below is a table detailing some of the more common female body languages you will see at a bar.

Bars are a vast source of inspiration, human contact and creative photos of half-full beer glasses. Now stop reading this and get your ass to the booze barn!

* The craptastic Wishmaster III: Beyond the Gates of Hell is my personal choice due to a fine performance by perennial horror favorite A.J. Cook, though Michael Trucco’s smoking hot presence in Wishmaster IV: The Prophecy Fulfilled does cast some doubt on my already laughable decision.