Nick Jr.’s Wow Wow Wubbzy – The Face of Evil
Gilmore, this show is on NICK JR! Why are we reviewing it for a movie, videogame and comic book website? You high? You KNOW this kind of stuff freaks me out. I didn’t trust Barney. I saw that crazy Teletubbies stuff coming a mile away. And The Wiggles!?! Tell me those guys aren’t scary as hell!
So why did you make me pop in and review the DVD for Wow Wow Wubbzy? I’ll tell you why: because you’re the son of the devil. Straight up. And one day I’ll be sending you back to hell.
Wow Wow Wubbzy is crazy. I only watched two episodes before a gate to hell started coalescing in my room and I had to turn it off. If you’re a little kid watching Nick Jr., Wow Wow Wubbzy would probably have the same effect as the Silver Shamrock masks in Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. You watch this stuff enough and your head will split open and beetles and centipedes will come out to kill your parents.
Wubbzy is like this yellow cat bear thing with a long crooked tail. In the first adventure, A Tale of Tails, the crazy bastard is a victim of all SORTS of hate crimes and shit talking from the other animals because his tail is all crooked. Wubbzy is pretty embarrassed of it so he tries all sorts of stuff like putting leaves on it and pretending it’s a branch (coming out of his ass?) or straightening it out. But it doesn’t work, and the hateful little bigots just laugh harder at him. What would I have done? I would have used my tail to choke each of those little bastards to death. I hate ‘em all! But what does Wubbzy do? He learns to love his differences and ultimately learns that he can use his tail to make a spring with it to bounce on, a jump rope, whatever. It’s straight up crazy up in this shit. Lucky for those bitches who were laughing earlier, Wubbzy didn’t learn how to turn his tail into a mothafuckin’ machine gun, ‘cuz those bitches be dead!
The second episode I watched had a lot more of Wubbzy’s two friends in it. I like his friends. One is a female rabbit who likes to build stuff, but like all womenz, you know that’s only going to lead to trouble. The other one of Wubbzy’s homies is this smart ass purple bear with glasses and a shirt but no pants. He’s pretty smart. No wonder Wubbzy had such low self-esteem. I make it a point to only hang out with dumb ass people so I can feel like I’m really smart and tell them what to do all the time. And if I was that smart bear, I’d get the hell away from Wubbzy, because you know sooner or later he’s gonna start some trouble. And no sooner can you say trouble, then trouble shows up in this episode, called Special Delivery, in which Walden (smarty bear guy) gets a package.
But Walden isn’t home when the box shows up. So what does Widget the builder rabbit who’s nothing but trouble do? She and Wubbzy open the motherfucker hoping that there’s a Real Doll or some sick ass shit in there! Whaaaaat!?! Wait a minute… WHAAAAAAT!?! You stupid animals! You can’t be opening up other people’s mail! That’s a federal M-Fing offense! I don’t care if you DO live in some cartoon magic kingdom! Some green cartoon snake or red crab or something with a badge should come along and lock BOTH of you assholes up!
Good thing what you get is even worse: a damn lesson! There’s a toy train in the box and the two dummies start it up and the thing takes off like it’s on freakin’ crack! This train goes all over the place all out of control! WHHUUUUUM!!! WHUUUUM!!! Wubbzy and Widget are freaking out like crazy and trying all sorts of stuff to stop that train but it aint workin’! They’re probably shittin’ their pants thinkin’ “if Walden gets home and we been going through his shit he’s gonna shoot us with his space calculator or something’. We better catch that train!” Well, too bad, ‘cuz Walden DOES come home. Yup. And he’s gonna whup some ass as soon as he stops that train. But since Walden is smart and these other two mothafuckas are dumb, he just walks over to the box and picks up the remote control inside and stops the train by turning it off. Man, I bet Wubbzy and Widget felt like real dumbasses after that one. They learned their lesson, but I still think they should go to jail and get taught an even more serious lesson, like you shower with your back to a wall and make sure you join the right gang or you’ll go to sleep one night and never wake up.
So yeah. That’s as far as I got before I had to get out of Crazy Town for good. This DVD is out now, but I don’t know why you would watch it unless you were high or you had kids and you wanted their heads to split open like Halloween 3 and have snakes and shit come out and kill you. If I was a kid, I’d probably want that to happen to some people I didn’t like, but not to me and my mom and dad.
Well, hot dang. I just got a great idea that might just solve this whole Gilmore thing once and for all… but first I gotta catch him, strap him down and get him in front of some Wow Wow Wubbzy… aka The Last Face of Evil You Will Ever See.
