Author: Eric Diaz

This past weekend saw the third season finale of HBO’s True Blood. While the finale itself was a wee little bit on the underwhelming side (although with one or two choice moments, some which might end up on this list) the season as a whole was easily their best yet, with the insanity level ramped up to an all time high. Original characters were put through the ringer, while new cast members were brought on that were some of the best this show has ever had. Sure, some things this season didn’t really work (The Fairy world looked lame as hell, and the less said about Jason’s new girl this season the better) But still, this show remains as addictive as crack, and it is gonna be a long nine months till Season Four starts. In the meantime, here are my personal Top Ten Awesome Moments from Season 3 of True Blood. Needless to say, if you are one of those people who has not seen the whole season yet or wait till DVD, massive SPOILERS here folks…..

10. Hoyt Fortenberry Sucker Punches Tommy Mickens

If there is one couple you can always root for on True Blood, it is “Aw, shucks” country bumpkin Hoyt Fortenberry and his baby vamp girlfriend Jessica Hamby. Because they were seperated for most of this season (Jess accidently killed a trucker. It happens) Sam Merlotte’s newly discovered white trash baby brother Tommy was always trying to use the opportunity of the broken up pair to get into Jessica’s shorts. After finally sticking his nose where it didn’t belong one time too many, Hoyt does what the audience has been wanting to do to Tommy all season long, and sucker punches his ass. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms3QyN8LRqY

9. Sookie Stakes Lorena

Lorena: “What ARE you??“

Sookie: “I’m the Bitch who’s gonna kill you.”

Trust me, this bitch had it comin’.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7SY-nspGQQ

8. Eric Northman Goes All Superman, Saves Lafayette

After sparing his life last season, vampire Sheriff Eric Northman enlists Lafayette Reynolds in selling illegal vampire blood (or just “V” for the uninitiated) When a drug deal in the hillbilly white trash town of Hot Shot results in a potential gay bashing, Eric swoops in from the sky like Superman and saves Lafayatte as if her were a gay black Lois Lane. God, Eric is cool. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I12eV3SuLeI

7. Alcide Takes Off His Shirt. A Lot.

Look, some characters are just meant to be really good eye candy. On True Blood, Missisipi werewolf Alcide Herveux is that character. Sent early on in the season by Eric Northman to protect Sookie during daylight hours, Alcide is the normal (well, mortal anyway) guy that vampires Bill and Eric can never be for Sook. Frankly, anytime his shirt is off or he is just plain naked, the show is a little bit better. Oh, and in the True Blood/Twilight franchise war over which almost always shirtless werewolf is hotter? Joe Manganiello is 6’5 of pure hotness, and that Taylor Lautner kid is not even legal, or at least wasn’t when those movies were made. And so the winnah is……

6. Jessica Gets Hungry, Feeds On An Annoying Customer

Baby vampire Jessica Hamby has a hard time with her new job as a server at Merlotte’s, mostly due to waitress Arlene’s intense vampaphobia. In one of my favorite moments of the season, Jess tries to ingratiate herself with Arlene AND get a little snack too…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq51EnxYm_M

5. King Russell and Queen Sophie Anne Get Married/Decapitation

Russell Edgington, Vampire King of Missisipi, decides to marry Queen Sophie Anne of Louisiana in a political marriage so he can start gaining vampire territory and taking on the mysterious vampire “Authority”. After administiring the ceremony, Russell sees no use for the Vampire Magister, and makes his head go PLOP. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMqXAL4BgpM

4. Eric and Talbot Get It On, Eric Stakes Talbot  From Behind

So the long coming gay sex scene on True Blood did not come from gay character Lafayette and his new boyfriend Jesus, but instead it came when Eric Northman decides to seduce Russell’s consort Talbot, and then in a moment of revenge against Russell Edginton (who killed his human family over a thousand years ago) decides to stake Talbot just as he’s about to get fucked. Best part: Eric stakes Talbot with a scroll of 16th Century Japanese Vampire Erotica.

3. Bill and His Vampire Maker Lorena Have Hate Sex

There might not be a better example of on screen “hate fucking” than when Bill Compton had sex with hated vampire maker Lorena and turned her head all the way around, Linda Blair style. This one will probably go down as one of the all time True Blood wtf moments. Lorena didn’t seem to mind much, right after she said it was the best sex she had in decades. Afterwards Bill called her a tiresome cow and punched her in the face. Which sounds bad, but last season he hit her over the head with a flat screen tv, I totally think that’s worse.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KENsJoCy6Qk&feature=related

2. Franklin Shows How to Type the Word “Mothafucka”

there were many new cast additions this season on True Blood (some say too many) but in my opinion the standout character had to be vampire “procurer” Franklin Mott, played by the awesome James Frain. An over the top Brit sociopath vamp that you could not help but love, even as he kindnapped, tied up, and forced himself on poor Tara Thornton. My favorite moment of Franklin insanity had to be when he decided to show off to his beloved Tara just how fast he could type the word “mothafucka” on her cell in a message to her cousin LaFayette. And then deleted it…just so he could show her all over again. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwws7FvqtIY

1. “And Now, Time For The Weather….Tiffany?”

True Blood’s best cliffhanger of the season, and maybe their best moment ever. And possibly one of the best, most memorable moments in television history. This act, this awesome, awesome act brought True Blood to a whole new level. It brought it national. That’s right, we’re out of the South and in the world. The King threatened the world. He set vampires back years in the media and didn’t think twice. Why is this so awesome? Well, because of the realm of possibility that now exists on this show.

I mean think about it: there’s a King and a Queen for every state, right? We only know one of each from two different places at this point. Not to mention the amount of Eric Northmans there probably are walking around. They hand out vampire positions of power like FourSquare does merit badges. And there’s only more to be seen.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONoB7x_Q53o

 

Honorable Mentions:

The awesome Catfight between Sookie and Were-bitch Debbie. Totally better than that one between Ali Larter and Beyonce in Obsessed.

Anytime Vampire Pam or Lafayette Reynolds said just about anything. Sometimes I wish these two just had their own show. You know you’d watch it.

In the season finale, Sookie shoves Talbot’s remains in the garbage disposal in front of a screaming, burnt up husk that was once Russell. You go Sookie.

Sookie walks in on Eric having crazy vamp speed sex with his new stripper Yvetta. This gets a mention mostly as this is our first fully naked Eric Northman on the show.

 

 

THE DARK TOWER: THE GREAT EXPERIMENT

 

The big geek news of the week is that Stephen King’s epic 7 book/20 years in the making Dark Tower series is coming not only to the big screen, but also television as well. Director Ron Howard is planning not only a movie Trilogy, but a television series that runs in between movies. The plan right now is that the first film in this trilogy will be immediately followed by a television series that will bridge the second movie.  After the second one, another television series will begin that will then lead into the third and final movie.  Both the movies and the tv show will be filmed back to back, and the stars of the movies will also star in the television series. Don’t ever suggest Opie is not that inspired, because this could be a game changer.

 

Ron Howard will seemingly direct the first movie as well as the first season on tv. Screenwriter Akiva Goldsman (yes, the man who brought us Batman and Robin) will be writing the first film and much of the first season.  If this is pulled off, this will be the greatest example of multi media synergy for a genre project ever…Marvel Studios and the Avengers movie ain’t got nuthin’ on this one. Sure, Star Trek had movies and television shows running alongside each other during that franchise’s heyday in the 90’s, but always starring different casts, and they always  remained more or less separate. This however, is on another scale entirely, and could change how these sprawling fantasy and sci fi epics are released to the public in the future. 

PIXAR/MARVEL TO BRING US DR. STRANGE?

 

 

 

Ever since Disney bought Marvel Entertainment last year, fanboys have daydreamed about a possible collaboration between the talent at Pixar on some kind of Marvel porperty. After all, Pixar made a terrific Fantastic Four movie already with The Incredibles. This week, comic book artist Brendon McCarthy made what appears to be an offhand comment about Pixar Studios potentially being involved in a Dr. Strange movie.  McCarthy says that during a meeting at Disney earlier this year, “the conversation drifted around to Pixar animating a Doctor Strange movie… Now, wouldn’t that be nice?”  Of course, maybe he is just being a daydreaming fanboy here, or maybe we’re lucky and something will actually come of this. After all, Dr. Strange is the last of the iconic Stan Lee 60’s Marvel Comics properties that has not come to the big screen yet, and if anyone can make Stephen Strange work on the big screen, it is the folks at Pixar.

 

And speaking of Marvel, a few pics have leaked this week from a couple of anticipated Marvel Films coming out next summer….first one is from Captain America: The First Avenger. No, Chris Evans didn’t let himself go, that is just his pudgy stunt double. But at least we have out first good looks at the suit. I personally dig it, and the little painted wings on the sides? Perfect touch.

 

Also perfect is our first pic of January Jones as Emma Frost in X-Men: First Class, in full on 60’s go go boots and mini skirt and an awesome fuzzy hat.

 

 

 

BRUCE CAMPBELL AND THE ALL STAR HORROR SHOW

 

 

With The Expendables doing well in theaters this summer, extending the acting careers of many people whom I thought would have died already just a few years ago, Hollywood is looking to cash in on the Expendables formula. One of these people is horror icon Bruce Campbell, who wants to make the “Expendables of Horror” as a follow up to his movie My Name Is Bruce. While this sounds good on paper, horror produces more fictional icons than stars, with the exceptions of Bruce Campbell and Robert Englund of course. Make a Movie that features Ash, Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, Pinhead and Chucky? People will eat it up. Make a movie about Bruce Campbell, Robert Englund and….who? Kane Hodder? Doug Bradley?Whoever it was that played Jason?  I can’t see this one working, but stranger things have happened. Editor’s Note: Bruce will be a guest of honor at the Geekscape sponsored ZomBCon this Halloween weekend! We’ll get to the bottom of this from the man himself!

 

 

Warner Brothers Television is planning on bringing one of the most critically acclaimed comic book series of the past twenty years, Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, to the small screen very soon, and possibly with the executive producer of Supernatural, Eric Kripke behind it. Apparently, Warner Brothers tried to get HBO involved but nothing ever came of it. Creator Neil Gaiman was not much of a part in those discussions, but it seems no decision has been made as to the involvement he will have with any future Sandman television project.

 On the plus side: at least this is not being attempted as a movie. Sandman (as well as Preacher and Y: The Last Man for that matter) are tailor made for ongoing cable series. Attempting to shoe horn these long, sprawling fantasy narratives into a two to three hour film and still be faithful in any way to the comics is pretty much a gonna be a huge waste of time. Imagine some of the problems Watchmen had on the big screen, but times a thousand. On the negative side though, the inclusion of Eric Kripke has got the rumor mill swirling that this means that Sandman is destined for the CW Network. This would be the kiss of death for a show like this, without changing just about everything from the original property and make it fit the CW’s teen girl demographic. Sandman was one of the first comics books to get respect from the literary world outside of comics, and remains a consistent seller well over a decade since it ended. Why not just make a CW show about Maus while we’re at it.

 

FANTASTIC FOUR REBOOT PICKS UP STEAM

 Fox seems intent on getting this Fantastic Four reboot off the ground by 2012, no doubt to A) keep their rights to the franchise and B) have something of their own to feed off The Avengers that same summer. (btw, that makes FOUR big super hero movies the summer of 2012….Batman 3, The Avengers, Spider-Man the reboot and now this. Overkill anyone?). Director and casting rumors are in overdrive this week. It appears there is a shortlist for the director gig already, and on it are Joe Carnahan, the guy behind The A-Team and Smokin’ Aces, James McTigue (V for Vendetta) and David Yates (the last 3 Harry Potter flicks) My money is on Carnahan, because he already made A-Team for Fox, and since it underperformed he won’t be asking for a lot of money and making a lot of demands….remember, this is Fox, they are very bottom line and they are notoriously cheap. As for the casting rumors, the two big ones this week are Stephen Moyer (Vampire Bill from True Blood) as Dr. Doom, who will supposedly be the Latverian dictator version of Victor Von Doom from the comics, and not the lame Lex Luthor/Norman Osborn rip off from the first two movies. Also, this time Ben Grimm/The Thing will be all CGI and they are hoping he will be voiced by none other than Bruce Willis. I gotta say, that would be a smart choice on Fox’s part, a studio not known for making smart choices with the genre properties they own. Now all they gotta do is not get a sexy Latina “actress”, put her through some weird bleaching process to make her look WASPy and then cast her as the Invisible Woman. Do that Fox, and you at least get the benefit of the doubt from me.

 

80% of AMERICAN WOULD CONTINUE TO SUPPORT MEL GIBSON; YET TOM CRUISE REMAINS HOLLYWOOD KRYPTONITE

Mel Gibson must somehow be related to George W. Bush…no matter what they say or do, shit just never sticks to them. In a recent poll conducted by 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair magazine, nearly 80% of Americans said they would continue to support Mel Gibson at the Box Office, despite years of racist, mysoginistic, and homophobic rants, the last fifty or so which were even recorded and released to the internet. I am usually for separating the art from the artist, but at what point do you just want to stop putting money in the guy’s pockets? On the reverse side, there is poor little Tom Cruise. Aside from being part of a weird cult, marrying a much younger woman, and over all seeming kinda douchey, this guy has never done or said anything nearly as offensive as Gibson has, and yet America just can’t forgive the guy. Guillermo del Toro wants Crusie for his forthcoming adaptation of At the Mountains of Madness, but the studio wants James MacAvoy instead. We live in a world where the guy who played Mr. Tumnus in those Narnia movies is more favored than one of the biggest stars in the world, that is how toxic Cruise is now. And for doing far, far less than Mel Gibson ever did. Just sayin’.

 

DIRECTOR OF PIRANHA 2 ATTACKS PIRANHA 3D. 

 Speaking of douchiness, James Cameron lashed out at the producers of Pirahna 3D for using 3D to >gasp< make some money. Here is what he had to say:

 I tend almost never to throw other films under the bus, but [Piranha 3D] is exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D. Because it just cheapens the medium and reminds you of the bad 3-D horror films from the 70s and 80s, like Friday the 13th 3-D. When movies got to the bottom of the barrel of their creativity and at the last gasp of their financial lifespan, they did a 3-D version to get the last few drops of blood out of the turnip.

 Look, I looooove James Cameron and all, but he did not fucking invent 3D with Avatar. 3D is just a tool, like sound or color film, used to enhance a movie. ANY movie. It should not just be reserved for “A list” movies, every kind of movie should have the opportunity. Besides James Cameron, you directed Piranha 2. So get off your high horse, will ya? For reals….

 

 

Buffy and Angel Reunited at last. Oh, and Spike too…

Buffy Summers and the love of her life/worst enemy Angel seem to always be pulled together, then forcefully torn apart…first storywise on their respective shows, then literally when their shows were separated when Buffy the Vampire Slayer moved on to UPN and Angel remaining on the WB Network, and then again when Joss Whedon brought Buffy to comics over at Dark Horse Comics and Angel ended up at IDW Publishing. People thought the two would never re-unite again, but it was announced this week that Angel would be returning to Dark Horse comics in late 2011, in conjuction with Buffy: Season 9.  Apparently, Joss Whedon wanted both properties under one roof again, as the Buffy/Angel storylines are going to intertwine probably more than they have since the old WB network days.  As a huge Whedon fan, I am all for the Buffyverse continuing indefinitely in comic book form only…no bitchy actresses asking for too much money for a movie reunion, an unlimited budget, and no worries about hot vampires getting too old or too fat (although the “too fat” part might have already happened in the last season or two of Angel’s series. C’mon, you know you noticed too….)

Marvel Movie News 

So the rumor of the week is that the reason Alice Eve dropped out of playing Emma Frost in  X-Men First Class was because Fox was crazy about her for the larger role of Susan Storm/The Invisible Woman in the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot.  Also in contention for parts are Adrian Brody and Johnathan Rhys Meyers as Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic (really??) Note to Fox: Stop worrying about getting actors before you even  have a script or a director or even a storyline direction for your movies. Try it, it might work for you. In other Marvel movie news, Marvel Studios have hired a screenwriter for a forthcoming Iron Fist movie. The bad news is that the screenwriter is the same guy who brought us the XXX movies (no, not porn, those movies with Vin Diesel and Ice Cube. Can you imagine a porn flick with the name “Iron Fist”?? Yeah, me too) some guy named Richard Wilkes. If made, this would be (along with presumably Doctor Strange) the first Marvel movies released under the Disney banner.

 

 MI-IV Moves Forward 

So Paramount is moving forward with the Mission Impossible franchise, despite the fact that America clearly hates Tom Cruise now (yeah, I know Tom is kind of a douchebag  and part of a creepy cult, but it isn’t like he’s Mel Gibson or something. Lay off the guy people.) Apparently though, due to the fact that Paramount no longer trusts Cruise to open a film on his own after Knight and Day tanked, he is taking a considerable pay cut, and is being teamed up with a younger agent. While being teamed with a younger actor would not seem like an insult to ordinary people, for actors, being teamed up with the new younger guy is the nice way of the studio telling you that you’re old.  So you know this stings for our favorite Scientologist. And it looks like the new younger agent will be none other than future Hawkeye, Jeremy Renner. I’m not totally sure what the motivation is for casting Renner; this being Hollywood it can’t be just because he is an excellent actor. Sure, The Hurt Locker is a terrific flick, but it isn’t like it made a ton of money. Renner does not in anyway guarantee box office profits, his biggest hit so far being the 2003 movie version of SWAT.  Still, the last Mission Impossible movie was easily the best one, so hopefully this will be a good move for everyone involved. And I’m rooting for Renner, since I’ve been a fan since he played a vampire back in the day on Angel. (See how it all comes full circle here?)

TIM BURTON TO GET RESPECTABILITY BACK AND MAKE AN ORIGINAL MOVIE AGAIN?

Even for a big Tim Burton fan like myself, it is pretty easy to roll my eyes whenever a new project of his is announced lately. It seems nearly every movie he has made over the last decade has been either a remake (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Planet of the Apes, Alice in Wonderland, the upcoming Dark Shadows) or an adaptation of pre-existing material (Sweeney Todd, Big Fish) Not all of these have been bad; Sweeny Todd and Big Fish in fact were both pretty damn good.  But I’ve longed for a return to the Tim Burton who brought us classic original scripts and ideas like Edward Scissorhands and The Nightmare Before Christmas, and his most underrated classic, Ed Wood.

 Well, it seems we might be getting something along those lines. It was announced this week that Burton would be reteaming with the writers of the screenplay for Ed Wood, Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, for a movie based on artist Margaret Keane. While you may not know the name, you definitely know her artwork; those kitschy  50’s paintings of children with giant saucer eyes, found in every Grandma’s house,  dentist’s office, as well as decorating the walls of all hipster art chicks known to man.  What you may not know is that her husband, Walter Keane, who mass produced prints of her artwork to be sold nationwide, took credit as the artist while she worked in anonymity in his basement.  The entire ruse broke up their marriage, ending in an ugly court battle where the judge actually had both Margaret and her husband Walter paint big eyed creepy kids side by side for the jury to see.  Of course, Margaret proved her skills in court and won the case. She then became a Jehovah’s Witness, and started drawing “happy children” who in most ways are creepier than the sad ones.  If this all doesn’t sound like a great  Tim Burton movie waiting to happen, I don’t know what does. My advice to Tim Burton: Don’t just produce this movie, direct it and get your reputation back as great director and not just as a  Hot Topic sell out. And for once,  don’t return Johnny Depp or Danny Elfman’s phone calls. There are other people in Hollywood.

 MARVEL MOVIE CASTING 

 So the casting for X-Men: First Class keeps getting weirder and weirder. Apparently, actress Alice Eve has dropped out of playing mutant telepath/skank Emma Frost, to be replaced by Janurary Jones from AMC’s Mad Men (a perfect bit of casting in my opinion…I mean her real name is January, and she’s playing a character named Frost) the other characters announced so far  have left me scratching my head though…we have C – List X-Men like Banshee and Havok, but lately they have been announcing some real bottom of the barrel mutants for this movie, like Azazel and Angel Salvadore. Even a long time X-Men fan like me had to google some of these guys. Why haven’t they announced Cyclops and Jean Grey yet?  Are they really only gonna populate this movie with second rate X-Men? I trust you Matthew Vaughn, just don’t dissapoint us. X3 and Wolverine were bad enough.

 In other Marvel casting news, apparently a list of finalists has emerged for the part of the female lead in the new Spider-Man reboot.  Among the actresses being looked at are Imogen Poots, Ophelia Lovibond, Lily Collins, Teresa Palmer and Emma Roberts. What is interesting is that none of these girls is set to play Mary Jane Watson. So who will Peter Parker’s love interest be? The popular assumption is that it will be Gwen Stacy, but maybe after Spider-Man 3 no one wants to go there. Will Spidey’s #1 girl in this new trilogy be none other than Felicia Hardy, the Black Cat? Or is it Betty Brant? My money is on Black Cat, because she is the furthest from Mary Jane there is, and can actually do more than scream and be a hostage. But right now anything and anyone is possible.

 

TMNT GETS THE REBOOT TREATMENT

 Sigh  Another day, another reboot. This time though, it is early 90’s pop culture sensation the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Although this franchise was rebooted  already in 2007 with an animated movie simply titled TMNT, this seems to be a return to the live action film heyday of the early 90’s. Paramount is hoping for a franchise to replace Transformers, and with the TMNT generation now spawning kids of their own, this seems to be the next big property. Now get ready for the bad news; Michael Bay’s awful Platinum Dunes studios are the one who are bringing this baby back to life. While TMNT was never a big part of my youth (the original 80’s Black and White comics were too “indie” for me as a kid, and I was already in high school by the time the cartoon aired) I know a lot of my younger friends are going to want to to jump of cliff at the notion of Michael Bay having anything to do with their beloved Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael.  

 

And finally, the cover of this week’s issue of Rolling Stone, with the cast of True Blood. Just because.

 

DC COMICS LAUNCHES BATMAN INC,  BRINGS BACK THE LITTLE YELLOW OVAL 

After being “dead” for a little over a year, DC Comics brought back Bruce Wayne this summer in the very on -the-nose titled Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne, which has been announced this week will be followed by Batman Inc, a new title that sees writer Grant Morrison and artist Yanick Paquette take the concept of Batman and turn it into a “Global Brand”.  Not entirely sure what this means of course, although a good guess would be that there would be “Batmen” all over the world, not just in Gotham, which I’m sure will remain Bruce Wayne’s territory.  One thing that is back for sure though is the little yellow oval around the bat symbol, originally introduced in the comics in 1964 and then removed again by DC in 1995. The Batman I grew up with always had that little yellow oval,  from the 60’s tv show to the Tim Burton movies to the animated 90’s series. so as far as this fan is concerned it is a welcome comeback, even if it makes zero sense for a dark avenger of the night to have neon yellow in his costume in any capacity. 

 DISNEY GIVES US A GLIMPSE OF THE GALAXY FAR , FAR AWAY

For 23 years, Star Wars geeks were able to get their chance to play “Luke destroys the Death Star” in the Star Tours attraction at the Disneyland and Walt Disney World theme parks. Well, after all this time the ride has become pretty damn dated, and recently closed for refurbishment for the next year.  Star Tours will be re launched in May 2011 (May the Fourth?) and although little has been revealed about the updated ride, here is what you Star Wars/Disney geeks can expect

What we know so far:

-The ride will be in 3D (seriously, what isn’t these days?)

–Star Tours: The Adventure Continues (apparently the offical title, not Star Tours II or worse, 2.0)  will include multiple destinations in the Star Wars galaxy…confirmed are Tatooine and Coruscant, and rumored are The Death Star,  Hoth, Bespin, Dagobah, Naboo, Endor and Kashhykk, the Wookie homeworld.

-The time frame for the ride is pre Episode IV: A New Hope, so the original Death Star will be included, but in its half completed state (so it will look like the Death Star from Return of the Jedi, but it is actually the one from the original flick. Got it?)

-Unlike the original Star Tours, which played the same film over and over,  each time you ride this new Star Tours you will have a different experience.  You could ride it all day and not have the exact same adventure twice, making it a Star Wars geek’s wet dream.

-Live action footage was filmed last year for the ride featuring Boba Fett, who will be said to be chasing your  Starspeeder  1000 for some kind of bounty on one of the passengers, presumably.  Also included is Admiral Ackbar, who will communicate with your vehicle holographically, probably to inform you that “it’s a trap!” or something. Scenes with Sand People and Jawas were also filmed. C-3PO and R2 will continue to be your hosts, and it is said that Paul “Pee Wee Herman” Reubens will return to voice Captain Rex, or more likely a similar model droid.

The first released video from what will be the line queue was released this week, which includes hints of planets that will be included in the final ride….the joke in regards to Alderaan being voted “safest planet in the galaxy” is a cheap one, but it got a laugh out of me at least.

 

So according to the rumor mill, Warner Brothers is moving forward on Green Lantern 2  very, very quickly it seems….screenwriters has already been hired to pen the sequel before the first movie has even wrapped.  This shows extreme confidence in the franchise of course, but this is not merely to get their trilogy going as soon as possible, but also apparently to keep star Ryan Reynolds from ever making his Deadpool movie for Fox. It seems that Warners doesn not want their new DC Comics hero to play a Marvel hero, despite the fact  that he has already played him. Of course, much of this information comes from Deadpool creator Rob Liefield, who is endlessley posting online and reminding everyone that yes, he created the character, and therefore has made at least one Marvel character that seems to have stuck, although for reasons that remain a mystery.

 

 

Justice League Movie Without Superman and Batman?!? 

So ok, take this news with not a grain, but a pound of salt; but it seems that Warner Brothers’ Justice League of America movie is back on the front burner again. This of course should come as no surprise, especially with Marvel Studios moving forward on Avengers and making such a huge splash at Comic Con this year. What does sound awful though is the notion that both Superman AND Batman are being left out of this version of the Justice League. According to the original story over on comicbookmovie.com,  the current script being developed will focus on Green Lantern, Flash (who is set to star in his own movie soon along with GL) with Aquaman, Martian Manhunter and Wonder Woman being introduced in the JLA movie.  While there was never any doubt that Aquaman and J’onn J’onzz were very likely never getting their own movies first, it is more than a bit disappointing that Wonder Woman is relegated to being “the chick” of the movie, but the writing has been on the wall when it comes to Wonder Woman getting her own movie for some time now. But seriously,  leaving out Superman and Batman would be like doing the Avengers movie without Captain America, Thor and Iron Man. What the hell would be the point?? By the end of 2012, Chris Nolan’s  Batman trilogy will have come to a close, and Superman will have hopefully been reintroduced to the movie world with leaps and bounds in quality. Wouldn’t that be the ideal moment to have them team up with the other DC Heroes? Hopefully new DC Entertainment Chief Creative Officer Geoff Johns will do his job and make sure this half assed JLA movie is done right, or not done at all.

Speaking of a JLA flick, actor Jay Baruchel, who was set to star in George Miller’s aborted 2007 version of the movie as Maxwell Lord, recently spilled a little bit on what was to have been

“I’ll just say this, if we had been able to make the movie that we had gone down [to Australia] to rehearse, if you had seen the production art I’d seen … it would’ve been the coolest thing ever. It would have been the neatest vision of Batman and the coolest vision of Superman you’ve ever seen. It would have been dark and fairly brutal and quite gory and just f**king epic.”

Despite fanboys everywhere breathing a sigh of relief when this was shit canned, the few script reviews for this movie were actually pretty positive.  This movie was this close to happening, and yet it is amazing we have never seen a single leak in the intervening years of concept art or costume tests. WETA designed the costumes after all, among other things. Would love to see what might have been. Someone leak that shit already! I mean, It can’t be any worse than this….

 JUST FOR TODAY, STOP HATIN’ ON GEORGE LUCAS

Yeah, we all know how much you hate George Lucas for raping your childhood or whatever, but the man just agreed to give away half of his billion dollar fortune to charity, along with forty other billionaires like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. This alone should make you feel better about the money you shelled out for Phantom Menace and Crystal Skull.  At least you know it went somewhere worthwhile. And Speaking of Lucas and Star Wars…cue the John Williams music…..

 You know you’ve been waiting for it, you fuckin’ dirtly liitle pervert. Announced first here at Geekscape during Comic Con, Vivid Entertainment are finally coming out with a Star Wars Porn Parody.  But will Lucas and his lawyers come after Vivid? It is parody and therefore should be legal, but Lucas is said to be cool with any and all Star Wars parodies….except for those involving pornography. And half a billion dollars can afford you the some pretty good lawyers still. Any good will Lucas might have earned for giving away half his fortune to the poor starving babies of the world will evaporate if some nerd doesn’t get to see Princess Lay-ah  get molested by the tail of Jabba the Slut. And you know you’re that nerd.

 QUENTIN TARANTINO MIGHT KNOW WHERE EVIL LURKS

After the success of Inglorious Basterds, people have been wondering just what Quentin Taranantino is going to do next. And the big rumor this week is that he will be tackling the classic hero of  1930’s pulp fiction (heh) The Shadow. This of course, could be fucking awesome, and is pretty much the closest thing we geeks would get to a QT directed super hero movie. What makes me think this might all be bullshit, though, is that current Shadow rights-holders are none other than Twentieth Century Fox,  the most director unfriendly studio there is today. The idea of Fox studio chairman Tom Rothman letting Tarantino run wild with an R rated “super hero” movie just does not seem likely. But man, it would be awesome wouldn’t it? Considering Tarantino’s penchant for using older actors, maybe he’ll find a role for original Shadow Alec Baldwin? Yeah okay, probably not.

 

 

So you might have heard, but the 41^st Annual San Diego Comic Con was last weekend. Meaning by now, you are sick todeath of hearing about the Marvel Studios panel, The Avengers movie reveal, Sucker Punch, or TRON Legacy, or everything else that has been talked about to death all week in the geek online world. So I’m gonna shed some light on some of the stories to come out of the Con that didn’t get as much attention, but are cool nevertheless. And maybe even a NON Comic Con story too.

 

 

 Guillermo Del Toro reboots Disney’s The Haunted Mansion

 

During all the hub bub last weekend at Comic Con, one announcement was made at the tail end of the TRON: Legacy panel, slipped in right at the end;  beloved geek director Guillermo del Toro will be producing and possibly directing a new film version of the classic Disneyland ride The Haunted Mansion.  The orginial Eddie Murphy starring version came out in 2003, the same year they mega popular Pirates of the Caribbean franchise was launched. But while Pirates clicked, Haunted Mansion landed with a thud. The movie really sucked ass, and was not worthy of one of the coolest attractions Disney has to offer.  

One good thing about this ADD generation;  you can literally go back to square one with a property only a few years old and do it better  the second time around, because your audience will barely remember  there even being an original, even if it was just a handful of years ago. 2003 might as well be 1983. Del Toro is an avowed Haunted Mansion freak, and even has a room in his house dedicated to the ride. He plans to make the focus of the movie the infamous “Hatbox Ghost”, a component of the ride long thought to be an urban legend. In truth, the effects on the Hatbox Ghost didn’t work properly on the ride when it opened in 1969, so it was removed a few months later. The character was used in Haunted Mansion merchandise for years though, making  people wonder if they imagined the damn thing in the ride in the first place. The fact that Del Toro is such a fanboy for the attraction and plans to include such an obscure element such as the Hatbox Ghost proves this franchise is now in perfect hands.

 

  

 

 

Marvel Anime

 

 

With all the noise being made about Marvel Studio’s Thor, Captain America and The Avengers live action flicks, a lot of people failed to notice the announcement that Marvel Studios would be launching four new anime series based on the characters of Iron Man, Wolverine, X-Men and Blade. There will be twelve episodes per series, all written by comic superstar Warren Ellis, and all will be produced by Madhouse studios in Japan to be aired stateside on….G4? I suppose they are a fit, demographic wise, but isn’t G4 a little low rent to be showcasing these series? I’m sure G4 is hoping that these Marvel shows will do for them what South Park did for Comedy Central and Project Runway did for Bravo. Whether any of this means Kitty Pryde and Pepper Potts will be running screaming from phallic tentacles remains to be seen.  And speaking of animation…. 

 Young Justice for All

So at the panel for Warner Animation’s Batman: Brave and the Bold series,  producers snuck in a preview for Cartoon Network’s new DC Universe animated series set to debut next year,  Young Justice.  While I was at first skeptical, I gotta say this might actually be… kinda cool? The reason to have a bit of faith is that the producer of the series is none other than Greg Weisman, who produced uber cool 90’s animated series Gargoyles.

·        Unlike the Teen Titans cartoon, the Justice League will figure prominently in Young Justice. In fact, the JLA will be 16 members strong. Batman (voiced by the awesome Bruce Greenwood) will be the JLA’s “general”, doling out missions to the JLA’s covert ops team comprised of their young sidekicks. Because who better to take care of those pesky black ops missions  than your less experienced kids? Aside from the traditional “Big 7” JLA members, others included will be Hawkman and Hawkgirl, Black Canary, Red Tornado, Captain Marvel, and Zatara the Magician?? No doubt to this element will be used to introduce Zatara’s more famous daughter Zatanna as a member of Young Justice.

·        The team will be a combo of retro 80’s Teen Titans and the more modern version. Robin will be Dick Grayson and Flash will be Wally West, however their teammates will be more recent characters like Superboy (Conner Kent) and Miss Martian and the new African American Aqualad (Blaqualad?)

·        The series will take place on “Earth 16” of the new DC Multiverse, making it an official part of DC Comics continuity.

·        Members of the team will die. And I’ll bet the first one to go will be new character Artemis, leaving a spot on the team to eventually be filled by Wonder Girl. At least I’m hoping.

 

 

 

 

DISNEY TO SELL MIRAMAX… FINALLY

While who or what own a movie studio is usually of little interest to the average fanboy or fangirl, the sale by Disney of their Miramax label to a consortium of various investors for the tidy price of $660 million dollars should be. For the past year or more, the potential sale has held up a huge number of movies from being released on Blu Ray. Since one of the few ways that Miramax can now be profitable by the new owners is to milk their  library, in the following year we can finally expect to see such beloved titles as Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown,  The Crow, The Scream series and more hit Blu Ray. (Oh yeah, and other movies like The English Patient. But c’mon, we’re geeks. We’re more excited about the stuff with the blood and explosions. Don’t lie) Hopefully somebody will buy MGM soon, and the planned versions of The Hobbit and the new James Bond flick can finally get off the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I kinda half assed Comic Con on Friday. I admit it…but I more than made up for it on Saturday, which is traditionally the biggest day of the convention anyway! I arrived at the Convention Center around 9:30 AM, which sounds early, but not in Comic Con standard time…apparently by 7:30 AM there was already a line out to Hall H (the big 7000 seater room that houses all the biggest media panels) that stretched out to the marina. Lucky for me, I made a friend the day before and he was there since 7AM and saved a spot for me near the front of the line (never underestimate the gay geek bond) by around 11AM, they start letting us in. I am officially getting super excited now.

11:45AM  WARNER BROTHERS PANEL (Green Lantern, Harry Potter & Sucker Punch) 

I am more jazzed for this than maybe any other panel today, because this is our first live action footage of Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern. And although we only get a sizzle reel without a fully costumed Hal Jordan, we DO get to see him make a giant green fist, AND we get a glimpse of our first alien Lantern, Tomar Re.  Best moment of the panel had to be when an adorable little boy in a GL shirt, no more than 6 or 7, asked  for Ryan Reynolds to say the Green Lantern oath, which he of course he did, in full dramatic voice to this wide eyed little kid. After that, the little boy held his power ringed hand up in the air, and Ryan Reynolds responded in kind and held his own power ringed finger at the kid. There are no accurate words to describe this kind of cuteness, except “Awwwwwwwww.” And there were about  7000 awwwwwws at that moment in Hall H, I can tell you that.

An extended new trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was next, and it was pretty impressive, although only the actor who plays Draco Malfoy was present from the cast and crew of that movie. I heard a lot of mumbles and bitchy comments from some people in Hogwarts uniforms about this.

Finally, we got our first look at Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch, his all girl action/sci fi/fantasy/(burlesque?) movie. The trailer he put together was pretty awesome, or maybe I was just partial to it because it was set to the Lord of Acid’s song “The Crab Louse.” This movie get be epic or epically awful, but I will be there next March to find out.

1PM – LET ME IN 

I am a huge fan of 2008’s Swedish vampire flick Let the Right One In, so when I found out there was going to be an American remake so damn soon, I was a little dismayed.  Also, the hiring of director Matt Reeves of Cloverfield fame did not really inspire me. I liked Cloverfield allright, it just had such a typical Hollywood tone, I just couldn’t see an American director remaking Let the Right One In being any good.

Based on the footage shown in Hall H though, I could be wrong. It looks like they changed enough to make it different, but kept enough the same to keep it still the same story at heart. Maybe my most pleasant surprise at the Con so far. I am now officially looking forward to this remake instead of just dreading it.

3PM TRAILER PARK

What it sounds like…a bunch of trailers for movies, most of which you can see online or at the movie theater. OK, so some of them are in 3D. Big deal. A take this is an opportunity to get some lunch. Over piced pizza, here I come!

4:PM RESIDENT EVIL 4

Sorry, not a Resident Evil fan here folks. But I gotta stay in this room if I wanna keep my seat, right?  I decide to go get something to drink at this point, and as soon as I come back to the main hall, I see a bunch of running security gaurds and rubber necking convention goers. “What the fuck just happened in the ten minutes I was away??” Apparently, there was an altercation over saving of seats, which resulted in someone getting stabbed in the eye. Seriously….. W.T.F. I guess this kills the notion that nerds are all pushovers.  Sadly, these Jerry Springer Show antics results in Hall H being in “lockdown” for an hour, while they repeat the same stupid ass trailers as before. This is all very lame and holding things up. Now officially annoyed. Takes about an hour for things to get back on track.

5PM PAUL

I had barely heard of this movie called Paul before today, and now I can’t fucking wait to see it. Paul is the first big screen reunion of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost since Hot Fuzz, this time teaming with Superbad alumni Seth Rogen,  Bill Hader, and director Greg Mottola. All this AND Sigourney Weaver. Part taking place at the San Diego Comic Con itself, and part taking place in what appears to be Area 51 in Nevada, this movie has something to do with the Pegg and Frost as two geeks on a road trip who end up in the care of a foul mouthed alien named Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen) On a pure entertainment level, this might be the best panel so far today. These fuckers are funny, and Sigourney Weaver is Sigourney Weaver, she is a freakin’ sci fi legend. End of story.

5:30 PM  Cowboys and Aliens

Jon Favreu’s new western/sci fi hybrid starring Daniel Craig, and Harrison Ford. That’s right, Harrison fucking Ford was a mere few feet away from me. I don’t care how jaded and cynical I get, there is now way I’m not going to be psyched at seeing Han Solo/Indiana Jones himself sitting right there in front of me. And while he may seem like Granpa Joe, he still managenes to to make the best entrance so far at the Con, being escorted by security in handcuffs (remember, this is right after the stabbing incident) Totally tastless and kind of hilarious. Oh, and the movie? Looks cool so far. Essentially a straight up Western right up until Aliens attack, the whole vibe of this movie is reminding me of From Dusk Till Dawn, with one kind of genre movie becoming another kind of genre movie half way through. This was a really short panel, with Harrison Ford and company essentially coming on stage for a handful of minutes and then promptly leaving.

 

6PM  Marvel Studios Panel – Captain America and Thor

The can’t miss panel, at least for this comics geek. Cap came first, with director Joe Johnston, Hugo Weaving and Captain America himself Chirs Evan flying in from England after only two weeks of shooting. They only had a little bit of costume tests to show us with Chris Evens (still to early to say how good or bad the suit really looks) but one great scene with a Nazi (pre-transformed) Red Skull. Hugo Weaving was at his villanous best, and the site of the Cosmic Cube totally gave me a geekgasm. Thor had a more complete showing, as they are mostly done with their shoot. Shown was a  full 3D trailer made just for the Con;  Asgard looked cool, and not like something of 1980’s Flash Gordon as I feared it might. And hearing Anthony Hopkin say “Thor Odinson, thou art banished!” (or something along those lines) in full dramatic tone…..well, lets face it, it doesn’t get more convincing than that. Officially relived and excited for this movie. Don’t let us down Marvel!

Of course, the cherry on top of the Hall H experience was none other the first official revealing of the line-up for the coming Avengers movie. First, we watched a special trailer cut just for the Con….in it we hear a voice over of Samuel L. Jackson read aloud the words displayed upon many an old Avengers comic;  “And there shall come a day, a day unlike any other….when heroes unite against a common threat….” Ok, this shit is making me misty eyed. I admit it. The 12 year old in me just cannot believe I’m about to see The Avengers in live action. First up on stage, we get Samuel l. Jackson as Nick Fury, the the man himself, Roert Downey Jr appearing to take this shit over, announcing the rest of the cast: Chris Hemswoth as Thor and Chris Evans as Captain America (duh) followed by Scarlet Johanssen as the Black Widow, and the two sorta surprises, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye and the third actor to play the Hulk in less than 7 years, Mark Ruffalo. RDJ is cracking wise every chance he gets, and we are eating up out here.

 

After all this fun, you would think I’d go straight home, however I am convinced to go to the Masquerade Ball, a first ever for me at one of these Cons. After seeing the Xavier School Glee Club and  Viva Las Villains (a bunch of villains from movies and comics, but wearing 50’s style showgirl outfits) I am glad I stayed. Gotta say though, saw some much more impressive outfits around the convention center floor than some of the people who entered into this thing:

It is now 11:30 PM, been at the Convention Center since 9:30Am. In other words, too damn long. Time to get to bed.

SUNDAY JULY 25th LAST DAY

1PM – I get to the Con kinda late (can you blame me for sleeping in after being at the Convention Center 12+ hours yesterday?) and I miss the Glee panel, which is the only panel I really wanted to see today. I wander the floor one last time, taking pics, getting free crap, and maybe even running into a certain speedo clad freedom fighter out on the floor. And then say goodbye to San Diego, at least goodbye until next year.

Overall thoughts? Best Comic Con in years, in terms of conetent and presentation, at least for me. Last year I was getting kind of burned out on the whole Comic Con experience, and was kind of feeling done with the whole thing….but this year at least, it felt like the old days. Comic Con 2011 can’t come soon enough for this geek.

 

San Diego Comic Con Day 2, Friday July 23

 1PM

Ok, so today was a late start at the Con. As soon as I arrive, I get in line for the Joss Whedon panel at 3PM, knowing full well there is no way in Hell I’m getting into Ballroom 20 in time (I saw him yesterday, so I’ll live) Nevertheless, Ballroom 20 is also the line for True Blood, my current television obsession. So I ain’t movin’ from this line. No sir. 

5PM True Blood Panel

The room is packed. The screaming starts. Was this what it was like for The Beatles back on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1964? Because I feel like a teenage fangirl every time one of these impossibly attractive batch of southern vampires, shifters, weres or fangbangers takes the stage. Every one gets a big orgasmic reaction from the crowd, but Nelsan Ellis, who plays Lafayette (Hookah!) and the insanely hot Alcide get the biggest reactions. Seats in Ballroom 20 get seriously wet, especially when they show a clip reel for the rest of season three. Did I mention how God damn hot everyone on this show is? 

6PM

True Blood panel over, so I head over to the Marriot Hotel down the street to get in line for the dirty sounding “Fulfillment Room” It isn’t really dirty, but it is where I get my True Blood swag, so I guess that is good enough for me.

8PM Batman: Under the Red Hood Premiere

The DC animated movies have been hit or miss so far, with a few standouts (Wonder Woman, JLA Crisis on 2 Earths, and New Frontier chief among them) Also, the resurrection of Jason Todd AKA Robin #2, was never one of my favorite moves from DC Comics. And yet, Under the Red Hood is HANDS DOWN the best DC Animated film yet, and one of the best Batman movies period. Great voice work from the entire cast, especially Bruce Greenwood as Batman and John Dimaggio as the Joker. Add to the movie the announcement from Bruce Timm that next year brings us Grant Morrison’s All Star Superman and Batman: Year One, and this DC Comics geek is in nerdvana.

10PM Tron Legacy Party at Flynn’s Arcade

Ok, I don’t know how I got in (ok, I do know, but I’m not gonna tell you) but I got into the super awesome Tron Legacy party down in the Gaslamp. As if playing retro video games at Flynn’s Arcade wasn’t cool enough, I then got to go the actual party that looks like the inside of the master program, complete with impossibly attractive people dressed as Tron characters. Oh, and Nathan Fillion is here, and I accosted the actor who plays crazy vampire Franklin Mott on True Blood to take a pic with me. I am very drunk now and very stoked.

1AM – Sleep. Be back tomorrow.

 

So today was the first official day of the San Diego Comic Con, and unlike the good ol’ days of the early 2000’s, a Thursday at Comic Con might as well be Saturday now, they pack so much major stuff in. So let’s not waste time and get to Day One, shall we?

 10:30 AM Divas and Golden Lassoes

I just barely make it in time to my first panel, Divas and Golden Lassoes: The LGBT  Obession with Super Heroines. As a gay male long obsessed with female super heroes, there was no way I was missing this discussion. And a lively one it was too…superstar artist Phil Jimenez, a long time Wonder Woman super fan, told stories of some of the casual sexism he faced with DC editorial back in the day in regards to Wonder Woman.  At one point, he was even asked to re draw a picture of Superman crying and being comforted by Wonder Woman after having suffered a devastating loss, as having Wonder Woman comforting her comrade and friend after a crushing blow was too emasculating for their #1 hero. “Can’t he look like he is about to fly away as she’s wrapping her arms around him?” they asked. *rolls eyes*  One of the panelists summed up the queer obsession with Wonder Woman pretty succinctly, saying “Wonder Woman has a co-dependent relationship with her mother, wears star spanglied panties, and ties up men.” Yeah, whats not to relate to??

11:30 Tron Legacy Panel

Really wanted to go to this, but couldn’t get into Hall H. I heard they debuted a bunch of cool new footage and stuff. *sigh* Comic Con is like Coachella or Lollapalooza; seeing one cool thing means you can’t make it to that other cool thing going on at the same time. This one stung though. If you went, feel free to tell me everything.

12PM-2PM

 Wandered the floor, taking photos of the awesome (A little child dressed as Hit Girl from Kick Ass, the prop of dead alien space cop Abin Sur from the upcoming Green Lantern flick, and all the Iron Man armors from the movie) to the ridiculous (Pimp Boba Fett and Pimp Vader) 

3:30 -4:30 The Visionaries:  JJ Abrams and Joss Whedon

When it comes to geek television, for the past decade these two men have been the shit. Between Lost, Buffy, Firefly, Alias, Angel, Fringe and Dr. Horrible, (not to mention JJ Abrams’ big screen Star Trek) if you need me to tell you anymore about these two, you have no business being on a site called Geekscape. When asked by the moderator if they themselves ever collected any geeky mementos, Abrams talked about how as a child, he worshiped the make up artists in films, and even wrote them fan letters. He wrote the legendary Dick Smith a letter once, and in response he sent him the tongue used by Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Whedon on the other hand only ever had to keep one of the eggs from Aliens, but only after having “buried the franchise” . While on the panel, Whedon confirmed the worst kept secret in Hollywood, that he is indeed directing the live action Avengers movie, to MUCH applause. When asked what his take on Avengers was, he replied “these characters she not be in the same room, let alone the same team.  And that is the very definition of family” Sounds good to me. Abrams was asked about his upcoming collaboration with Steven Spielberg  called Super 8, and while he couldn’t say much about that project (since they have not shot a frame yet) he mentioned how at age 16 at a Super 8 Film  Festival, he was aked if he was interested in repairing Spielberg’s old damaged Super 8 reels from his childhood. He wondered why they didn’t get professionals to tamper with Spielberg’s old childhood relics, but then he was paid only 300 dollars for his work and figured that answered his question.  They were both then asked about the new 3D craze and how they felt about it; Abrams seemed less enthused, while Whedon seemed to kind of dig on 3D. He was not happy however  about his forthcoming film Cabin in the Woods being upconverted fro 3D, but then states to due to MGM’s financial issues, he isn’t even sure when that movie is even coming out. Finally, when asked about their respective companies, the unabashedly geeky named Bad Robot and Mutant Enemy, Whedon suggested “they should fight!”  ….or kiss”.

4:30 -5:30  DC Comics 75^th Anniversary

DC Comics luminaries from the like of Geoff Johns, Jim Lee, Jeannete Khan, Denny O’Neil and the legendary Jerry Robinson (creator of the Joker and Robin the boy Wonder. Yes, he’s still alive!) waxed nostalgic on 75 years worth of DC Comics. Mentioned a lot were things like Watchmen and Dark Knight, but somehow no one remembered to bring up the 1984 movie Supergirl.

7:30- 9:30 Secret Origin: The Story of DC Comics World Premiere

Even MORE DC Comics goodness- the premiere of Warners new feature length documentary Secret Origins: The History of DC Comics. As a bit of a history geek and a huge DC Comics fan, there wasn’t whole lot I didn’t already know here, but some of the old footage the dug up here was pure gold, much of which I had never seen, such as the first live action actor to play Superman ever, at the 1939 World’s Fair. And the footage in color no less. At 88 minutes, it speeds through 75 years a bit fast, but this is still a must see for any comics fan.

And with that,  a very busy and slighty expensive first day at Comic Con ends. Be back tomorrow for some ‘mo from the ‘flo.

This has been quite a busy week in geek news, so lets get to it, shall we?

 

MARVEL STUDIOS PULLS A TERRANCE HOWARD ON ED NORTON

So last Friday it was reported that Edward Norton would not be asked back by Marvel Studios to reprise his role as Bruce Banner/The Hulk in their forthcoming Avengers movie, despite public statements on his behalf that he was eager to reprise the role. It was said he had even had meetings with director Joss Whedon, all which went well. But Marvel, notoriously cheap as far as studios go, apparently did not want to pay Norton’s fee. They pulled this cheap ass shit before with Terrance Howard on Iron Man 2, and were this close to cheaping out on director Jon Favreu and Mickey Rourke as well, before wiser heads prevailed. Then things got real bitchy, when Marvel president Kevin Feige released a statement, that in part, went like this:

 “We have made the decision to not bring Ed Norton back to portray the title role of Bruce Banner in the Avengers. Our decision is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members. The Avengers demands players who thrive working as part of an ensemble, as evidenced by Robert, Chris H, Chris E, Sam, Scarlett, and all of our talented casts. We are looking to announce a name actor who fulfills these requirements, and is passionate about the iconic role in the coming weeks.“

 Umm….so Ed Norton is not creative and collaborative? Way to be classy there Marvel. Yeah, we all know Ed Norton is difficult, but seriously, this only makes you look bad, not him. There are rumors already going around that Mark Ruffalo is the new Banner, but wouldn’t it be awesome if Marvel brought out Eric Bana on stage next week at Comic Con, just for the geek meltdown it would cause? 

GREEN LANTERN MOVIE COSTUME REVEALED, NEEDS MORE BLACK

Entertainment Weekly gave us our first look at Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern Hal Jordan this week. Unlike all previous super hero movies to date, Reynold’s super hero outfit will be totally a CGI fabrication (which makes sense as his costume is just made of energy anyway). The internet nerd herd flipped out as usual, by either praising how perfect it was or crapping on it entirely. My recommendation to everyong: relax.

This is clearly just a Photoshop mock up made in time to meet the Comic Con issue deadline (please God, please), and seeing as how the suit is all CG, they have plenty of time between now and next June to tweak it.

I just hope that when they DO tweak it….they fix that mask a bit, cause Hal Jordan looks like a porn parody version of himself. Oh…and add some more black cause green on green? This isn’t Burning Man. Also, it kind of looks like they put his muscles on the outside. Just sayin’.

 

MEL GIBSON GIVES THE INTERNET COMEDY GOLD, FUEL

Each day this week, a new installment of Mel Gibson’s seemingly endless phone conversation (well, more like misogynist, racist rant, where he couldn’t) with his ex Oksana Grigorieva (I don’t think a single person on this here internet didn’t copy/paste that name when reporting on this) was released to the masses, culminating into about 30 minutes of Mel struggling to find new ways to say the words “Bitch” “Whore” and “Cunt”, with certain racial slurs thrown in for good sport!

This, of course, has inspired numerous internet memes, like a phone conversation between Mel Gibson and Christian Bale, the inevitable Mel dance remix, and my personal favorite, Mel’s rant quotes as kitty cat inspirational posters. Enjoy.

Mel Gibson VS. Christian Bale

Mel Gibson Remixed 

The cutest version of hate on Earth!

 

See you next week for the rundown on the best, funniest and most embarassing stories of the week in geek.

WONDER WOMAN GOES SHOPPING, MAKES HEADLINES

So if you know me or my writing at all, you know that I am an enormous Wonder Woman fan. Due to this fact, I think I’ve been asked like fifty times this past week what I think of the new Wonder Woman costume from just about everyone I know. Just in case you don’t know what I’m talking about, I refer now to this past week’s news that Wonder Woman would be getting a new costume and direction from writer  J. Michael Straczynski starting with issue #600. The news of Wonder Woman’s new outfit was on seemingly every single news source this past week, and not just online but on television as well. So for the record, here is what I think:

I don’t really like it, but I also don’t really care either, because I know it is totally temporary.

I’ve been reading comics my whole life, just about. I’ve watched as stunts like these are pulled on long running characters, especially when their sales are in the gutter. Right now, despite honest efforts by great writers like Gail Simone, Wonder Woman’s sales suck. Something drastic and attention grabbing had to be done, beyond just getting a buzz worthy writer on the book. And guess what? It worked. Issue #600 has already sold out, and I can’t remember a time when any Wonder Woman comic sold out that fast. A lot of new readers are likely to stick around for the rest of Straczynski’s run, and that is a good thing.

But there is no way in Hell this costume change is permanent. Oh, an element or two of the costume might stick, but within the next two years (likely in 2011, Wonder Woman’s 70^th Birthday) the classic swimsuit will return “due to popular demand”. Actually, it will be due to the fact that Wonder Woman’s classic image is plastered all over everything from Hot Topic t- shirts to tin lunch boxes to you name it.  Warner Brothers, DC’s parent company, won’t allow for anything long term like a permanent costume change.  Her “new origin”, a weird amalgamation of Superman’s and Batman’s, is also part of some alternate timeline story, and Wonder Woman will no doubt return to the classic timeline and costume before it is all said and done. So for all you comic book fans throwing a fit on message boards about this horrible new look, take a deep breath and stop acting like you just started reading comics yesterday and don’t know how this will all play out. But for the record, the new “Mom Jeans” SO need to go.

 LADIES AND GENTS, WE HAVE US A WEB SLINGER

So ever since Sony fired Sam Raimi in order to be replaced with someone a lot cheaper, er…I mean, “decided to go in a new direction” with the Spider-Man franchise, the inernet has been a buzz with speculation on who the new Spidey would be. Of course, just about every young guy who even remotely fits the part had been mentioned, and it turned out to be a guy most of us had never heard of, a British actor named Andrew Garfield. At 26, this Garfield guy might seem a little old to play high school age Peter Parker, but then Tobey Maguire was also 26 when he was cast in the original Spider-Man, so what the hell do I know. Old ass people have been playing high school kids since Grease after all.

I’ve never seen the guy in anything, but I’m glad someone was cast seemingly based on their talent in the audition process and not how high their awareness is with the Disney Channel crowd. While I am actually more excited about a fresh take on Spidey than a fourth Raimi movie at this point (nothing against Raimi at all, unlike the geek masses, I didn’t totally hate on Spider-Man 3, I merely found it mediocre) I still wish this was a soft reboot, and not a full on return to high school origin story again. Can’t we just pick up in college? Wasn’t Peter Parker only 20 in the last movie? Despite what Marvel might want you to think these days, Spidey is way more of a college age character than a high school one; he only spent like four years or so at Midtown High, and something like thirty fucking years at Empire State University. I say leave him in college and don’t re-tread anything from the first movies please. It ain’t like the original movies were 20 years ago folks…we all remember them, even little kids.

 BLOODSUCKER OVERLOAD 

So, we sick of vampires yet? Despite my utter hatred and loathing of the Twilight franchise, and all of it’s anti feminist/ pro abstinence bullshit propaganda, I’ll always love me a good vampire story. This week we got not one, but two trailers for forthcoming vampire movies. The first is for Vampires Suck, the latest “comedy” spoof from the makers of such cinematic atrocities as Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Meet the Spartans, Jason Seltzer and Aaron Friedberg. Their brand of comedy consists of taking something that is currently popular and in the zeitgeist (like say, Lady GaGa or the cast of Jersey Shore) and then having those characters hit their heads or fall or some other stupid shit. These movies are loathsome and an insult to the term “comedy” in every concievable way, and yet they continue to make money. I realize that it might not be politically correct of me, but I really and truly feel like anyone who pays for these movies should not be allowed to procreate. Ever. Seriously, If you are one of the people who contributes to the success of these movies, then fuck you.

The Trailer For Vampires Suck. Do NOT Watch If You Are In Any Way Entertaining Suicidal Thoughts

On the flip side, we have the trailer for the forthcoming remake of the great Swedish vampire flick from 2008 Let The Right One In, now simply re-titled Let Me In. As much as I frowned on the idea of a remake of a great movie so damn soon…this trailer actually looks pretty damn good, if I may say so. It does really seem like a shot for shot remake though, which makes me wonder what the point really is in the end. Still, this looks like a decent antidote to Twilight, and I am SO glad they decided to stick to little kids as the protagonists and not make them teenagers to woo the Twitards. Both of these child actors were really great in recent movies (Chloe Moretz in Kick Ass, and Kodi Smit-McPhee in The Road) so I remain cautiously optimistic.

The Trailer For Let Me In, Which Might Actually Not Suck 

 

PRINCE DECLARES THE INTERNET “COMPLETELY OVER”, INTERNET SEEMINGLY CONTINUES.

In an interview with the British press this week, His Royal Badness was quoted as saying “the Internet’s completely over. I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else … all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.” (and yet, somehow, despite the internet being “over”, you are all still reading this. Go figure.) It would be easy to come into this news item just bashing the Hell out of Prince for such a stupid statement, but see….I’m a Prince fan. A HUGE Prince fan. I have just about every album of his, and I will always consider Purple Rain my favorite album of all time, with 1999 and Sign O’ The Times right on its heels. Hell, I think Purple Rain is the greatest pop record ever, yes even over Thriller (If Thriller had more songs about people masturbating with magazines, it might have had the edge) His two 2004 Musicology Tour concerts I saw are hands down the two best concerts I’ve ever been to.

And this “internet is over” comment just reeks of hypocrisy. See, a decade or so back, Prince was ALL about the internet, back when he thought it was a way for him to make a lot of money without a record label taking a cut. As recently as last year, he created a new website for his double album Lotusflow3r. Fans were expected to pay $77 dollars for a year long membership, and they would receive three new albums, plus exclusive content like unreleased tracks and music videos. None of that ever happened of course, a lot of fans got pissed off and demanded refunds, and a year later, Prince had the site shut down.  And this wasn’t the first such internet related rip off Prince fans have had to endure over the years. So of course, now the internet is “over”, because Prince has realized he can’t make as much money off of it as he thought he could.

It would be easy to just say “the internet isn’t over…Prince is fuckin’ over!” But that is way too easy, and Prince simply can’t be dismissed so casually. Prince is an actual music Legend. In an era where the title “Living Legend” is thrown around loosely and to those who don’t deserve it (any American Idol winner for example) Prince actually earned it. Hell, just from his musical output from 1979-1992 alone, he fucking earned that title. And unlike his late rival Michael Jackson, he never rested on his laurels; he constantly put out new product over the last 15 years, not to mention all the touring. (All while squeezing in door to door Jehovah’s Witness visits to boot) Crazy ass behavior is part of Prince’s weird charm, either when changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol and writing the word “slave” on his face, or like when he infamously stopped his Black Album from hitting stores at the last minute, because he was convinced the album was “evil” (this after 500,000 copies of the album were produced and sitting in wherehouses across the country waiting to be shipped) Prince, like Michael Jackson before him, is the last of a dying breed; pop music stars SO big, SO famous, they live in little realities of their own making. So when Prince says something stupid like the internet is dead, well….in his world it is true. And to him, “Prince World” is the only world that has ever really mattered. And I’ll shrug, roll my eyes and then look the other way, because the next time I hear an awesome Prince track or see one of his shows, it just won’t really matter what stupid ass shit he says or does. If there was ever an artist who gets a “Get Out of Jail Free Card” for the stupid shit they say or do, it is the Purple One. Although… he might be on his 50th card by now. There might be a limit.

 

 

 

Over the past decade, we comic book geeks have reveled in seeing our favorite properties brought to the big screen. 2011 alone brings us Thor, Captain America and Green Lantern, while the following year we get The Avengers, possibly The Flash, not to mention re-boots of Superman, Spider-Man, and the X-Men. Even Dr. Strange appears to be coming soon. Pretty much all of the long running iconic super hero characters of the past 50 years (that are not sidekicks or spin offs like Robin or Supergirl or X-Force/Factor/Whatever) will have had their turn at the silver screen by 2013. All, of course, except for one of the most famous of all:

Wonder Woman.

We did come this close once; it seemed Warners knew what they were doing five years ago when they hired Joss Whedon to write and direct a Wonder Woman film, until they went and fucked that one up (as both a huge Whedon and Wonder Woman fan, I may never forgive them for that one. I will always wonder what could have been) But that was then, and this is now, and now it seems like Warner Bros. is finally starting to get all their ducks in a row when it comes to their DC heroes.

It is pretty clear that Warners is gearing up for a Justice League movie much like Marvel Studios is doing with Avengers. Introducing each of the “Big 5” in their own films is the way to go, and one would imagine that must include Wonder Woman at some point. To simply have her be “the chick” in a team movie (like Storm in X-Men or Invisible Woman in the Fantastic Four flicks) is a huge slap in the face to a character who’s had an ongoing book for 70 years and a rich mythology all her own.

But even with their attempt at “Universe Building” with their DC properties, it still seems Warners is terrified of commiting to a Wonder Woman movie. Just recently, producer Lauren Shuler Donner (producer of the X-Men movies and wife of Superman: The Movie director Richard Donner) has been lobbying hard to produce a Wonder Woman movie, but despite her pedigree, not to mention being the person who helped get the ball rolling on the entire modern super hero movie thing in the first place with X-Men, she has been led to believe that when it comes to Wonder Woman on screen “they don’t want it.”

There is no questioning Wonder Woman’s fame, or her status as an icon. Even though it has been 30 years since her media heyday as a star of her own live action television series and co-star of the animated Super-Friends show, Diana Prince remains in that coveted position very few super hero characters have; in other words, even your Grandma knows who she is.

Wonder Woman merchandise is a minor cash cow for Warner Brothers, and consistently outsells merch for more popular characters like the X-Men and Iron Man. Come Halloween time, you see tons of women and girls wearing Wonder Woman costumes, right alongside all the Slutty Nurses and Slutty Janitors and Slutty everything else you see these days. 

 Sure, most of those girls don’t really know anything about the character, but they know who she is, and more or less, what she represents. There is even a dance craze in the American South now called “The Wonder Woman” Apparently in Louisiana, they understand that Wonder Woman is fierce.

Feel that muscle love, and do the Wundah Wuman ya’ll!

People are always giving their reasons why a Wonder Woman film can never work. But I don’t believe that for a second.  So listen up Hollywood…I’m going to detail each of these “issues” and just what you need to do to overcome them. So take some notes:

“HER VILLAINS ARE NOT MOVIE WORTHY”

-Ok, so Wonder Woman does not have the greatest rogue’s gallery in comics. Even as a huge fan of the character, I can concede to that fact. Her most famous villain in the eyes of the mainstream would have to be the Cheetah, if only due to her status as Diana’s main baddie on the old Super Friends show.

Her other most prominent adversary is probably the witch Circe, who could be fun if done correctly, but could easily be campy if done wrong. It could end up coming off as a super powered cat fight that brings to mind Faye Dunaway vs. Helen Slater in Supergirl, or even worse, Halle Berry vs. Sharon Stone at the end of Catwoman. And nobody wants that.

THE SOLUTION

Both in the comics as well as the recent (awesome) animated film, Wonder Woman’s #1 Villain is Ares, the God of War. Making a big screen version would almost demand that you use him. He is the living embodiment of everything negative in our world, and like all good arch foes, he stands totally opposed to everything our hero represents. He has had many incarnations in the comics, so the filmmakers would not have to be tied down to just one version of the character. And lets face it…”God of War” is just a notch below “Satan” in terms of villainy. It is a no brainer.

“WONDER WOMAN IN NOT RELATABLE ENOUGH”

-I often hear this thrown around for people trying to justify their dislike of the character. I kind of call bullshit on this, as aside from Spider-Man, not a single one of the long running super hero icons have back stories that one would say are relatable in any way. Yet good filmmakers have been able to make us all relate to alien orphans, eccentric billionaires, and outcast mutant freaks and found a way to make even the most average ordinary Joe empathize with them.

THE SOLUTION

Good writing. A good screenwriter can find a way to make any scenario, no matter how outlandish or larger than life, relatable. Wonder Woman has an overbearing but well meaning single mother, and about a thousand or more smothering “sisters”. And all she wants to do is get out and experience life for herself and find her place in the world.  I would say that is a pretty relatable emotional hook for anyone to latch on to, assuming it is written properly.

“THE COSTUME IS SILLY”

Another “problem” I keep hearing about is the costume. It is silly, outdated, and no one would take anyone seriously in a movie wearing star spangled panties. Well, you are right. They wouldn’t.

THE SOLUTION

She won’t be wearing the old Lynda Carter bathing suit any more than Christian Bale wears Adam West’s old Batman TV show costume. It needs to retain recognizability (no matter how different it is, it still needs all the elements that make Wonder Woman an icon) but it would need to be changed. A lot. These fan made mock ups show just how awesome, and still recognizable, Wonder Woman could look on the big screen. And all without the bathing suit and the satin tights.

 “MEN WON’T SEE ACTION MOVIES WITH FEMALE PROTAGONISTS”

I don’t mean to play this card too much, but the truth is, when it comes to their movie going habits, men are still sexist as hell. Most women will gladly pay money to go on an emotional journey with a male character for the duration of two hours. Sure, lots of women think the likes of Robert Downey Jr. and Johnny Depp are sexy and go to see their movies for that reason, but at some point during the movie going experience, you have to stop objectifying your protagonist and start identifying with him if it is going to work as a film. Women have far less of a problem identifying with a male lead than men do identifying with a female lead. So female action movies do poorly. The successful versions of female led action movies (T2, Aliens, Kill Bill) essentially tricked the men into watching them by not hammering the point home in ads that these movies were chick action flicks.

HOW TO FIX THE PROBLEM

PLAY UP THE GREEK MYTHOLOGY ACTION ANGLE

Despite what the casual viewer might know, Wonder Woman is not just a female version of Superman. What sets her apart from other heroes is her ties to Greek Myths. And geeks love all that mythology stuff…look how many people flocked to the awful remake of Clash of the Titans, just because we wanted to see Medusas and Krakens and Pegasus and shit. Show a cool trailer, with Diana, sword in hand fighting an Olympian invasion in the streets of Washington DC, 300 style, and guys will show up at the theater. Show a lame trailer, with lots of slo mo shots of a hot chick in a costume, and all you’ll get on opening weekend is a lot of guys staying home and downloading porn. This kind of movie making and marketing is exactly what killed wannabe franchises like Elektra, Aeon Flux and Catwoman. The studios decided to make movies about T&A and not kick ass action movies that just happen to star women.

OK, WE’VE GOT THE GUYS, NOW HOW TO SELL TO WOMEN AND GIRLS?

Obviously, girls like the idea of Wonder Woman. They buy Wonder Woman merchandise like crazy after all. And little girls like Princess stuff. Just ask the Disney accountants. And Wonder Woman just so happens to be a Princess. And in the grand tradition of Disney Princesses, she is blessed with certain attributes at birth like Sleeping Beauty, and longs to be “part of our world” like Ariel in The Little Mermaid. She falls in love with the first man she sees, which, like in the Little Mermaid, is kind of absurd, but is the stuff that fairy tales are made of. And teenage girls and women like the idea of a strong female that doesn’t take shit from anyone. Make sure her love interest (traditionally, downed US Air Force pilot Steve Trevor) is cast with someone girls find attractive, and girls will be all over this flick. 

 So there you have it. The key ingredients to an awesome successful Wonder Woman flick.  So get on it Warner Brothers… The fact that there will be a Ghost Rider 2 before Wonder Woman has had her first movie should be shameful enough to make you start cranking on this yesterday.

 

All storyboards and concept art is from an artist named Josh McMahon. If a Wonder Woman movie is ever actually made, I hope Warner Bros. cuts this guy a check. You can check out his stuff  HERE.

 

I am not entirely sure what strange Faustian pact John Lasseter and the other artists at Pixar Studios made to have their perfect track record.  Starting in 1995 with the original Toy Story, for the past fifteen years Pixar has had an unbroken string of  critical and commercial hits, something practically unheard of in modern Hollywood. Everything that Pixar touches turns into gold. I was starting to wonder if Pixar would meet their match with Toy Story 3; after all, it had been 11 years since the last movie, And the director of the first two movies John Lasseter, did not return as he is sort of busy these days running all things creative for Walt Disney Animation AND the Theme Parks as well. So I get, he is kinda busy these days. But having a new director at the helm (Lee Unkrich) didn’t inspire the same confidence.

And let’s face it; in modern movie franchise history, the third part of the Trilogy is almost always a disappointment (think Spider-Man 3, X3, Terminator 3, Back to the Future III) or a total clusterfuck (Alien 3, Batman Forever, etc. ) Even the precious few solid third chapters like Return of the Jedi pale in comparison to their previous installments. One might argue The Return of the King is the sole exception to this rule, but seeing as that film was written and directed at the same time as its previous chapters, the entire Lord of the Rings saga feels like one long movie with one year intermissions in between. So as far as I’m concerned, the “Trilogy Rule” has stood unbroken. Until now.

Leave it to Pixar to shatter that rule once and for all.

Toy Story 3 is, in my eyes, and unqualified success. It might not have the freshness or high concept as recent Pixar movies like WALL*E or Up or Ratatouille that kind of elevate those films to higher art, but being the third part of a series with an established tone and feel already, it would have been really out of place for the makers of this film to get too out of left field on us all of a sudden and do anything too experimental. Toy Story 3 is a rousing adventure, a smart comedy, and a love letter to these characters that will leave you more than a little teary eyed at the end. Toy Story 3 manages to do what every great sequel does; continues to develop the characters you already know and love and introduce a who new set of characters that by the end of the movie, you love just as much as the old ones. In this regard, Toy Story 3 actually manages to out do the brilliant previous sequel, and they do it all making it look effortless. Again, I’m convinced Pixar has made some kind of pact with devil. Pixar and Hugh Hefner.

                                       

The plot is really pretty simple: After a rousing opening sequence that reintroduces us all to the main characters again (and I won’t spoil anything about that sequence, except to say that it ranks up there with some of the great opening movie sequences of all time) we find out that toy owner Andy is turning 18 soon and going away to college. Buzz, Woody and the rest of the gang are barely thought of by Andy anymore, much less played with, and manage to stage sad, desperate attempts for attention from their owner. And with Andy growing up and moving away, they know their fate is either the attic, hanging out with the Christmas ornaments, or worse…the dumpster.  But Andy’s mother presents a third option, one that seems more appealing to some of the toys…being donated to the local Sunnyside daycare center.

At first, the Sunnyside day care center seems like paradise. After all, you never get outgrown, as there are always new kids replacing the old ones. But what first seems like heaven turns out to be anything but, and Toy Story 3 becomes one of the most entertaining prison break movies I’ve seen in forever. There are other twists and turns to the story, like who the true villain of the movie is, and just what kind of new toys Woody meets on his adventures while trying to get back to Andy’s room before he moves away. The filmmakers are constantly throwing out hilarious gags and new (sometimes twisted) takes on classic toys. Let’s just say if you thought those old school baby dolls were kind of creepy before, this movie will do nothing to convince you otherwise.

It goes without saying that all the old voice actors fall back into place like no time at all had passed between films. I’m sure Tom Hanks and Tim Allen and Wallace Shawn could play these guys in their sleep at this point, but it never feels like lazy voice acting from some celeb looking for an easy paycheck  (think most of the Dreamworks animated library, with the notable exception of How to Train Your Dragon) While Woody and Buzz might indeed be the main stars of this movie, it isn’t like the rest of the toys are just there. All the toys have a part to play, a contribution to the plot. Hell, even the little Pizza Port aliens do things that matter this time. And the new toys are just as great, fully worthy of future sections of the Disneyland parking lot named after them, like Ken (as in “Barbie and…” ) voiced by an awesomely smug Micheal Keaton, Chuckles the Clown, Mr. Prickle Pants the porcupine, and most memorably, Ned Beatty as Lots-O’-Huggin’ Bear.

Check Out These “Vintage” 1983 Lots-O’-Huggin Bear Commercials

American Commercial

Japanese Commercial

I could continue to heap praise on this movie, like praising the animation (this is Pixar, of course the animation is stellar) or the score, or a million other things. But you don’t need me to, because you are gonna see it anyway. My only concern is not so much about this movie, but with the fact that Toy Story 3 seems to signal a whole slew of upcoming sequels from the formerly mostly original product studio.  The next two years bring us Cars 2 and Monsters Inc. 2. While I will see those movies, I shudder to think that Pixar, the one studio that we could always count on for original stories in summers filled with re-hashes, remakes and sequels, is going the route of everyone else. But, if Toy Story 3 is any indication, their sequels will still be better than 90% of most studios original output. 

It should also be worth mentioning that once again, Pixar has provided a short before the actual film, and Night and Day may well be my favorite of the bunch. Combine it with a really awesome 3D IMAX presentation, and Toy Story 3 is Summer movie Heaven.

 

Like anyone who grew up with the original A Nightmare on Elm Street series of films, I found the recent remake a very bitter pill to swallow. Luckily, a new documentary has arrived to remind us all why we so dearly loved this series in the first place. Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy is a true labor of love from co -directors Daniel Farrands and Andrew Kasch. The two disc set clocks in at nearly eight hours of interviews, behind the scenes footage, and minutiae from the original eight Nightmare films. Almost everyone involved with the orginal films is interviewed here (with the exception of certain “we’re too good for this shit now” actors like Johnny Depp, Patricia Arquette and Laurence Fishburne) The producers of this movie even managed to dig up Mark Patton, the lead actor of Nightmare 2, who seemed to have quite literally dropped off the face of the Earth after that movie was released twenty five years ago (turns out he’s been living in Mexico right off the beach all these years. Totally the first place I would have looked) They even got Elm Street’s original Nancy, Heather Langenkamp to narrate. Aside from getting Robert Englund himself to to do it, I can’t think of a more appropriate choice.

The first disc consists of the actual documentary itself, coming in at just under four hours. While I was fully expecting to be totally Freddied out by the time this was over, I was never bored and kept finding myself looking forward to the next chapter, even if it was a chapter dedicated to an entry to the series that I didn’t like. Each chapter is a mini documentary on each film, so I’m gonna cover each chapter separately.

 Chapter One: The Original Film

 The film covers the first movie the most, for obvious reasons. Wes Craven, Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon and everyone from the original make up and effects guys to the guy who played Nancy’s sleep therapist in the movie (who was also the voice of Roger Rabbit of all things) are interviewed here. They even dug up the chick who played the Hall Monitor (“Hey Nancy! No running in the hallway!”) It is amazing to hear how the entire future on New Line Cinema was depending on this little movie, that was budgeted at a little over one million dollars.  If  Nightmare had failed, then New Line Cinema would have sunk with it. But studio president Bob Shaye knew a good thing when he saw it, and while every studio in Hollywood passed on Wes Craven’s idea, Bob Shaye gambled it all, and won. And not only was a great series born, but so was a studio.

 Chapter Two: Freddy’s Revenge – The Gay Nightmare

 While A Nightmare On Elm St. 2: Freddy’s Revenge is considered on of the lamest entires in the series, the chapter on this documentary about it is easily the most fun to watch. For years, director Jack Sholder and New Line President Bob Shaye have adamantly denied any intentional gay metaphor in the second movie, despite how overtly queer it is.  Finally though, someone fesses up: screenwriter David Chaskin admits that all the gay metaphor stuff was indeed intentional, and was only amplified by the fact that the lead actor who played Jesse (Mark Patton) was openly gay, not to mention the set designer, who took it upon himself to place a “No Chicks Allowed”sign  on Jesse’s bedroom door, among other obvious winks and nods. 

 Chapter 3: Dream Warriors-Everyone’s Favorite Sequel

 One of the few truly great horror sequels, Dream Warriors does everything a good sequel should: Expands upon the characters in the original film, and introduces new ones that you like just as much. Freddy went from merely stalking his kids in the boiler room to truly exploiting their deepest fears in the most imaginative ways possible. Lots of fun anecdotes in this section, like how most of the male cast was obsessively crushing on Patricia Arquette, and asking Robert Englund for advice on how to score with her (no wonder she chose to skip the next one) and how we came this close to getting a naked chick with big boobs, but wearing Freddy’s head, in the movie. It might sound good on paper boys, but trust me…once you see the pics, you’ll know why they passed…more distrurbing than anything in all eight movies. Just sayin’.

 Chapter 4: Dream Master – How To Make a Great Sequel With No Script

 The best parts of this chapter deal with how director Renny Harlin went from living in a flea trap apartment in Hollywood to directing a huge franchise movie by essentially annoying the producers of the movie into a job. He pretty much just kept showing up to the New Line offices till someone finally said “ok, fine, you’re hired”  It worked too, as Dream Master was the highest grossing movie of the franchise and some would say the peak of Freddy’s popularity. The most fun moments in this section deal with the explosion of Freddy merchandise during this time; there were even Freddy pajamas for kids. I’m not kidding.

 Chapter 5: Freddy Comes to TV…And Totally Jumps The Shark

 Remember Freddy’s Nightmares? No? Well then, you are probably better off. Debuting a few months after Nightmare 4, Freddy’s Dead was a crappy low budget wanna be Tales from the Crypt types series, with Freddy as your host. Most of the episodes didn’t actually feature Freddy in the stories, just as a burned up MC. Everyone involved with the series frankly admits it was nothing more than a cash grab in this portion of the documentary, and Freddy’s Nightmares made even the most die hard Freddy fans sick of his ass by the time Nightmare 5 came out the next year.

 Chapter 6: The Dream Child

 Almost no one really likes part 5, despite some honest efforts made by cast and crew. Unlike most behind the scenes DVD stuff you see on official documentaries made by the studio, the fact that this is an idependantly produced movie means you get to hear everyone involved sound off on just why this particular  movie sucked and led New Line to officially pull the plug with the next entry, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare.

 Chapter 7: Freddy’s Dead. Kinda Sorta.

 The highlight of this chapter has to be actress Lezlie Deane (who portrayed Tracy in Freddy’s Dead) who chose to film all her interviews in this over the top goth make-up for some reason, with some girl at her feet who (I guess) is supposed to be her slave or something, just silently staring into the camera the whole time. That alone is scarier than anything in the actual movie of Freddy’s Dead. Another fun nugget of info in this section are details on a young Peter Jackson’s proposal for an alternate Part 6, called Dream Lover that almost came to pass. 

 Chapter 8: Wes Craven Comes Home

 The man who started the series comes home to finish it the right way. This portion of the documentary covers Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, a very high concept meta sequel that would never get a greenlight today.

 Chapter 9: Place Your Bets: Freddy VS Jason

 Just hearing about the ten years of development and multiple scripts that were out there for this movie is possibly more entertaining than the movie itself (which I’ll still take over the new remake any day of the week though) Some of the ideas were good, some awful, and some even involved Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies.  Ultimately, Freddy VS Jason was the highest grossing movie of both the Nightmare and Friday the 13^th series, so someone did something right.

 Chapter 10: The House that Freddy Built

 This chapter details how New Line Cinema went from a distributing company for indie films to a real studio, all built on the success of the Nightmare series. President and founder Bob Shaye gambled his entire company on the belief in Wes Craven’s idea, just as he gambled his entire company of the success of The Lord of the Rings a decade ago. Sadly, he also gambled his entrire company of a movie called The Golden Compass, which ended up sinking New Line and just making it another label for parent company Warner Brothers. Truly the end of an era in Hollywood that we’ll never see again.

 

But wait! That is all just on disc one bitches!

 

Aside from extended interviews with cast and crew from each movie that didn’t make it to the actual documentary, Disc Two has a shit ton of awesome goodies, nearly four hours worth.

 -A preview for Heather Langenkamp’s own forthcoming documentary I Am Nancy, detailing the actresses’ legacy as the #1 “Survivor Girl” of horror.

 For the Love of the Glove

– A feature on collectors (and makers) of Freddy prop replica gloves, including an extended interview with this one slightly creepy guy who has apparently spent a small fortune on getting his hands on authentic glove props from each movie in the series.

 Fred Heads

– like any genre property, Freddy has his own OCD fans with vast memorabilia collections, some of whom share their obsessions with us on camera. God bless ‘em.

 Horror’s Hallowed Grounds

– A visit to the locations used in the original film, including a return visit to 1428 Elm Street for one Heather Langenkamp, who waxes nostalgic about seeing her boyfriend get slaughtered across the street from her bedroom window. Good times. Also interviewed for this segment in the current owner of Elm Street house, who recently restored the house to its vintage 1984 movie look. I don’t care what anyone says, that is just fucking cool.

 Freddy VS the Angry Video Game Nerd

-Totally worth watching just to see how truly lame the 1989 NES game was, and just how little it had to do with the actual movies.

 Expanding the Elm Street Universe: Freddy in Comic Books & Novels

-As a teenager in the early 90’s, I actually read any and all Nightmare related comics and novels, no matter how crappy some of them were. So I was happy to see them touched upon here, however briefly.

 The Music of the Nightmare: Conversations with Composers & Songwriters

– A good horror icon is only as good as his theme. Luckily, composer Charles Bernstein came up with one of the best horror themes in modern history with his score for the original Nightmare, which he did for next to nothing and in his own house. A side note, Bernstein was cool enough to compose a new score just for this documentary. 

 Elm Street’s Poster Boy: The Art of Matthew Joseph Peak

-Before the 90’s, movie posters were actual legitimate works of art, not just photoshopped after thoughts of the star’s face in a half silhouette. The iconic posters for the original 5 movies were done by an artist named Matthew Joseph Peak, who details how the posters went from almost no Freddy being shown, to Freddy front and center. Also, like composer Charles Bernstein, Peak was classy and cool enough to create a new piece of art just for this DVD release.

A Nightmare On Elm Street in 10 Minutes

-fairly amusing re-enactment of lines from the original movies by the original actors.  

  If the new Nightmare on Elm Street remake was a soulless venture, made by people who don’t care who only wanna squeeze out some money from a beloved series, then Never Sleep Again is the opposite; a true valentine to the series and its fans, made by people who are nothing if not fans themselves. Directors Daniel Farrands and Andrew Kasch give this the 110% effort than only real fanboys can give, and as far as this fan is concerned, it is the best medicine for having had to sit through the awful remake. (Warner Brothers would be wise to contact these guys for any and all special features that an inevitable Blu Ray box set would need.) If you are a fan in any way of the classic Nightmare series I highly suggest you grab this DVD, get some caffeine in your system and make a night of it. You won’t regret it.

 

 

 

Fan Fiction based on popular properties has been around for decades, giving lonely nerds a chance to tell stories about their favorite characters that they don’t own and didn’t create. But there is a far more interesting flip side to the fan fiction out there known as Slash Fiction. Slash Fiction, despite its name, is not fiction about Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees. Wikipedia describes it as “a genre of fan fiction that focuses on the depiction of romantic (and often sexual) relationships between two or more male (or less commonly, female) characters, who may not be engaged in relationships in the canon universe”. Essentially, it’s fan pornography about well established characters from tv, film and literature (usually the sci-fi/fantasy variety) who are not presented as being gay or bisexual in their actual official stories, so someone makes elaborate plots about their forbidden love affairs.

Now, you might think that the purveyors of such fiction would be people like me, gay male geeks with filthy minds and too much time on their hands. But the reality is even more strange; the majority of Slash Fiction is written by women, something like eighty to ninety percent in fact. And not just straight women, but lesbian women as well. And while one would think that the lesbian geeks who write this stuff are writing about the erotic adventures of Buffy and Faith getting it on, or Wonder Woman and Supergirl, but think again. Most of the Slash fiction by gay women is still about male on male action, with the notable exception of some Xena: Warrior Princess fiction.

Having sampled some of this literature, I must say it’s pretty clear to be mostly written by women. Lots and lots of time is spent talking about the characters’ romantic longings, and it takes way too long to get to the actual smut. If gay dudes were writing this, we’d be on page two and Superman and Batman would be fucking already, and saying much, much dirtier things to each other.

The Birth of Slash Fiction…In the Final Frontier.

In the early seventies we see the early stirrings of what we know as geek culture today. Also starting in this time was its seedy underside. When the original Star Trek went off the air in 1969, fans were left to give themselves new adventures of the crew of the Starship Enterprise. And so the first known fan fiction was created, in the form of Star Trek fanzines. In 1974, the first Kirk and Spock romantic pairing was written, “A Fragment Out Of Time” by author Diane Marchant. Kirk and Spock were not called by name in this original story, but rather referred to them as “he” and “him”. But every Trekker knew who they were really supposed to be. Diane Marchant had begun a tidal wave, and by 1978 it was clear she had created her own mini genre with her “K/S” stories, now known as Slash Fiction (the slash refers to the / in K/S) By 1987, there were 58 Kirk/Spock fanzines. And this is all way before the internet. The phenomenon of K/S was so widespread that by 1979, when Gene Roddenberry was writing his adaptation of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, he even had an internal monologue of Kirk’s dealing with all these rampant rumors of his relationship to Spock.

“I was never aware of this ‘lovers’ rumor, although I have been told that Spock encountered it several times. Apparently, he had always dismissed it with his characteristic lifting of his right eyebrow, which usually connoted some combination of surprise, disbelief, and/or annoyance. As for myself…I have always found my best gratification in that creature called woman. Also, I would not like to be thought of as being so foolish that I would select a love partner who came into sexual heat only once every seven years. ”

—Admiral Kirk, Star Trek: The Motion Picture

The Gaylaxy Far, Far Away

While Paramount and Gene Roddenberry tolerated the proliferation of K/S fiction, on the other end of the Sci Fi spectrum George Lucas was having none of it. He did his best to issue cease and dissest orders to writers of Luke Skywalker/Han Solo Slash back in the day. But today, it’s just all over the place. Just Google “Star Wars Slash Fiction,” and you’ll  find evidence of hundreds of stories of Luke and Han playing “hide the lightsaber” on the Millennium Falcon, or Obi Wan Kenobi teaching his young Padawan Anakin Skywalker a lesson in obedience (I always thought there was something kinda sexual about the word padawan anyway.) Either Lucas got tired of fighting his dirtier minded fan base on this one, or he just stopped caring. In any event, Lucas is one to talk about what’s appropriate and what isn’t. This is the same man who had siblings Luke and Leia making out after all. Eww.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

The arrival of Buffy to the WB airwaves in 1997 began what was the second great wave in the Slash Fiction Saga. As with K/S before, the vast majority of the writers of this stuff were women, who chose to focus on the sexual awakenings of Buffy’s best platonic male friend Xander Harris with her own boyfriend Angel, or even later, Angel with Spike. And while there were several lesbian writers of Buffy Slash Fic, almost none of them were writing about Buffy’s first time with Willow, or Faith and Buffy fighting on rooftops and then fucking like bitches in heat. Joss Whedon practically handed the lesbian writers of Slash a present with a giant silver bow when he outed series regular Willow as a lesbian and gave her another Wiccan lover in the form of  girlfriend Tara. But no, it seemed most of these lesbians were still only interested in the sordid sexual details of Angel and Spike getting it on. If someone out there cares to enlighten your humble author on the proclivities of lesbian writers to write about man on man sex, please do tell me, because I find it fascinating.

Hobbit Love

The other great Slash Fic movement came with the release of Peter Jackson’s epic Lord of the Rings Trilogy. There were some slash stories dealing with Aaragorn and Boromir or Legolas, and just what they were doing in those tents while the Hobbits were on their second and third breakfasts. But those paled in comparison to the amount of Hobbit sex that was being written about by teenage girls and middle aged women — and this is where the lines between fantasy and reality get very blurry. During the years long making of the Rings films, rumors were rampant from supposed “insiders” that Elijah Wood (Frodo) and Dominic Monaghan (Merry) were having a very intense affair. Gay Hollywood Gossip forums like the infamous Data Lounge had pages and pages of “Insider Info” on these two and their love affair, and how New Line Cinema and Time Warner were furious about it and trying to keep it under wraps for fear of harming the franchise. These threads went on for YEARS. Fangirls went from writing about F/M (Frodo/Merry) fiction to just writing about E/D (Elijah/Dominic) fiction. About the actual actors. This lead to a whole new creepy form of Slash Fiction that still runs rampant; that which is about real people.

Oh, and apparently Elijah was like, really gay, but Dominic was just Bi, and after busting Elijah’s cherry on the set of Rings, he dumped his ass for the first hot chick on the set of Lost we know now as Evangaline Lily, leaving little Elijah all broken hearted and stuff. ALLEGEDLY, guys. Allegedly. Don’t wanna get sued here folks.

But anyway, that’s what I heard. But you didn’t hear it from me, k?

Hogwarts Jail Bait

Ok, here’s where things get really creepy. Well, depending on who is writing it I suppose. Considering all the kids in the Potter-verse are under aged, does this not qualify as child pornography? Even if it’s not about real people? I guess there really isn’t anything that creepy about a 15 year old girl writing about the underlying sexual tension between young Mr. Potter and Draco Malfoy, but if it’s a fortysomething year old woman? (Or man, some guys do write this stuff after all.) It’s all kinds of wrong. I suppose in some ways, the Harry Potter fanfic writes itself, what with all the wands and whatnot. Just please don’t get Dumbledore involved. I mean, I know he’s the only officially gay character in the Potter-verse, but that would just be gross.

So as long as there are unfulfilled women who are also geeks, I think there will always be Slash Fic. It’s here to stay, I’m afraid, no matter how awful it may be. I can only imagine how many teen girls and their Mothers are typing away at some Twilight Slash as I write this. In the end it, harms no one and just seems all rather pointless — but then, so do a lot of fetishy things. However, if some of these enterprising writers wish to begin producing actual pornographic films with character lookalikes, then this I heartily endorse and look forward to. Bring it on.

 

Twin Peaks, the television series that changed American television forever, debuted twenty years ago this week on the ABC network. Back in the early 1990’s, ABC was dead last in the ratings, and they were willing to take chance on something a little bit different. Conceived by cult film director David Lynch and television writer Mark Frost, Twin Peaks was a sort of 1940’s/50’s noir mystery, coupled with satire of soap opera conventions, and with more than a tinge of supernatural horror thrown in the mix. Moving at a leisurely pace, the show unfolded before the American public, who were enraptured, perplexed, disgusted, and ultimately apathetic in the end. Lasting only for 14 months and 30 episodes, Twin Peaks was a star that burned hot and bright, yet died out fast. Yet the influence of Twin Peaks remains strong to this day; most shows today that would be considered cult favorites owe a great debt to Peaks for paving the way, and proving that television can indeed be art and not just something totally disposable. It can affect the viewer in a profound way, they way a great novel or film can. Television no longer had to be a place to “shut off your brain.” Television could live up to the potential that the medium always had.

When Twin Peaks premiered on ABC as a mid season replacement on Easter Sunday, 1990, I was all of 15 years old. Raised on a steady diet of terrible 80’s television like Facts of Life and Growing Pains, the idea that a television show could blow me away and transport me like a film could was not something I had ever considered before. In other words, I was at just the right age for something like Twin Peaks to come along and knock my socks right off. The hype machine leading up to the premiere was formidable, although a lot of it just made me shrug and just say “whatever. I don’t get it.” It wasn’t until my television hating older brother told me that I just had to watch this show; “David Lynch is behind it. He made Blue Velvet and Eraserhead! It’ll be like something you’ve never seen before!” Well, I had no idea what Blue Velvet or that Eraser thing was, but If this was gonna be something cool and new and weird, I wanted to be in on it from the get go. And I was not disappointed. Twin Peaks hit my pimply teenage ass like a lightning bolt, instantly making me realize how lame just about everything else on television really was. And for a long time after, the television landscape was pretty much dead to me, with nothing being able to come close to the magic that was Twin Peaks for nearly a decade.

 The pilot episode opens with the discovery of the body of teenage homecoming queen Laura Palmer, naked and wrapped in plastic and lying on a rocky beach in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. Unlike most other murder mysteries I had seen, the discovery of Laura’s body and the news of her murder actually had an emotional impact; every single character on this show was affected by this death, and as a viewer, you felt it too. Unlike so many crime shows, her tragic death was not forgotten about by the next week’s episode, nor was it just an after thought for Angela Lansbury on Murder She Wrote. Laura Palmer may have been dead from frame one, but she was the central character of this series. Brought in to investigate her murder was FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, played by Kyle MacLachlan, whose characterization of Cooper was essentially channeling series creator David Lynch’s personality; a mix of oddball and boy scout. Always speaking into his mini tape recorder to his mysterious off screen secretary Diane, either about how good the coffee and cherry pie were at a local eatery or on the plight of the Tibetan people, MacLachlan’s portrayal of Agent Cooper still stands as one of the great television performances of all time. Agent Cooper was quirky way before television even did quirky.

That pilot episode, which was shot unlike any other television series before it (and which still totally holds up as a film to this day) got the kind of ratings that a Superbowl might get today. At least for that very first episode, America was willing to embrace something weird that wasn’t a sitcom or a drama or a soap, but something that was an odd combination of all of those things.  Today, the idea of combining genres is a given, lots of shows do it, but back then, everything needed to fit into its properly defined box, something Twin Peaks refused to do. While the pilot episode got the highest ratings, it was the end of the third episode, where Agent Dale Cooper has a psychedelic dream sequence, complete with a backwards talking dancing midget, that really had people talking. Nothing that surreal had ever aired like that on Prime Time TV before, and America let out a collective “Wtf!?!?” Many soccer moms and the like abandoned this show at this time, but I, and many others like me, became truly hooked for the long haul right at this moment. Those of us who stuck with it knew that Twin Peaks was unlike anything we had ever seen before, and we were witnessing the birth of something special. As that first season progressed, Twin Peaks managed to pull in decent (but not spectacular) ratings, and the phrase “Who Killed Laura Palmer?” was part of the cultural zeitgeist.  Creator David Lynch and the cast of the show were on the covers of Newsweek, Rolling Stone, Time Magazine, you name it. People held Twin Peaks viewing parties, eating doughnuts, cherry pie and sipping coffee, all food items the show fetishized ad nauseum. (I myself had at least three of these viewing parties, and somewhere in my garage is a naked Barbie doll, wrapped in plastic wrap with blue lips, a prop symbolizing Laura from one of those long ago gatherings) Despite all this insane pop culture buzz, the show was still not a shoe in for a second season, and many, many people were pissed off at the end of the first season, as the question of who killed Laura was no where near being answered. As for me? Part of me never wanted to know….not knowing was all far too much fun.

ABC begrudgingly renewed the show for a second season, but despite the decent ratings against then juggernaut network NBC, and an avalanche of hipster buzz, Twin Peaks was a show the network secretly kind of hated. It never fit in with their squeaky clean All American image (at the time, this was the network of Full House, Step by Step and McGyver) However, they knew that they had to renew it or look like assholes. Over that summer hiatus between the first and second season, David Lynch’s daughter Jennifer wrote a series tie in novel, The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, which covered the last five years of Laura’s (incredibly fucked up) life, as well as an audio tape with the recordings of Agent Dale Cooper. I devoured them both, reading and listening to them over and over, looking for clues, debating with my equally Peaks obsessed friends. Twin Peaks was a multi media experience before anyone had heard the term. So they renewed it and stuck it on the worst night to place television-Saturday night. Even twenty years ago, no one watched TV on Saturday night. In the middle of its popularity, they sent Twin Peaks out to pasture to die a quiet death.

So as season two debuted with a quiet whimper ratings wise, and STILL no answer in site to the series’ central mystery, any and all mainstream viewers Peaks had jumped ship en masse. All that were left were the die hards like me, the ones for whom the show was a revelation, whose layering of mystery upon mystery was a welcome reward and not a chore to watch. It has become popular opinion that season two of Twin Peaks was a major step down in quality, but in my opinion that is nonsense; the first ten episodes of that second season, the ones barreling down to revelation of Laura’s killer, are just as strong, if not stronger, than anything in season one. In fact, the episode that reveals the culprit of Laura’s murder remains one of the strongest and most memorable episodes in television history to this day.

After the resolution of the “Who Killed Laura Palmer?” storyline however, the bottom did drop out of the show. With the revelation of who had killed Laura Palmer, David Lynch and Mark Frost had told the story they had wanted to tell, and the writing staff had to come up with something for these characters to do, and to say they struggled to hold together a narrative of some kind is putting it mildly. Left with dangling subplots to resolve, in retrospect they did their best with not only the network not showing interest in the show at all any more, but with the series creators not really caring anymore either. Lynch and Frost were forced to reveal the identity of Laura’s killer prematurely, and after doing so felt the writing was on the wall and left the series in all but name. Twin Peaks was constantly moved around the schedule during this period, as ABC burned through the remaining episodes, whenever the first Gulf War wasn’t pre-empting it that is. Still, even crappy post-Laura Twin Peaks was better than just about anything else on TV at the time, so those of us invested in it stayed till the bitter end. And it wasn’t all for nothing; the last few episodes steered the course of this series more or less back on track, and reminded me more of the series that had debuted a year earlier. Lynch came back to direct that final mind fuck of an episode, that made the first season’s dream sequence look like Sesame Street. In that final hour, the series went out on a creative high note, even if it was shown as a movie of the week in the month of June, when all other shows had gone off the air. An inglorious end to a revolutionary show.

With the series over, co-creator Mark Frost was quoted as saying “we didn’t change television one iota” While that might have seemed true in 1991, time has proven Frost wrong; his and Lynch’s fingerprints are all over shows ranging from The Sopranos to Lost to Battlestar Galactica. Television is no longer the exclusive domain of brain dead entertainment; there are glimmers of intelligence and real craft going on in the world of TV now, and one might say that spark was lit twenty years ago in a small town called Twin Peaks.

 

 

By definition, almost all Super Hero and Super Villain costumes are at least a little bit gay. I mean, they tend to be skin tight, multi-colored outfits with lots of emphasis on showing off the muscles (or the boobage in the case of the women). Those who wear them also seem to have a fetish for wearing the underwear on the outside. It’s amazing how many comic book fanboys are as homophobic as they are, considering the entire genre of super hero comics is a giant soap opera about the relationships and struggles of amazingly hot people wearing what ultimately amounts to fetish gear. So here I’m going to examine the gayest super hero looks of all time. Now mind you, I’m not saying any of these heroes are actually gay themselves, simply that their look sports a strong gay aesthetic. (Well, maybe some are gay. I think the jury is still out on one of them). So here we go, counting down from #10…the gayest comic book costumes of all time, as voted by no one and determined soley by yours truly:

#10 : The Bi-Beast

The Bi-Beast is a Hulk villain that is essentially just a muscle bound golden android wearing little blue trunks. True to his name, the Bi-Beast sports two heads, one containing knowledge and the other containing something else that I already forgot. Ultimately, his head looks kinda like a weirdly shaped uncut penis. Plus, his name is Bi-Beast for crying out loud. That alone gets him on this list. The Bi- Beast doesn’t show up too much these days, probably because everyone at Marvel can’t write his name without giggling.

Oh, and if they make another Hulk movie, I suggest they get Lindsay Lohan to play the Bi-Beast. C’mon….you know it fits.

#9: Luke Cage

These days, Luke Cage is a prominent figure in the Marvel Universe as a member of the New Avengers. He doesn’t wear any kind of traditional super hero outfit, instead preferring to “keep it real” by just wearing thuggy looking street clothes. YAWN! I much prefer Luke Cage’s original outfit when he first appeared way back in 1972, wearing what amounts to a low cut yellow blouse, open down to his crotch, with poofy sleeves. He also wears a pair of silver bracelets and a tiara, just like DC’s Wonder Woman. (Too bad Wonder Man’s name was already taken over at Marvel). His belt was a chain, I guess that was supposed to balance out all the fagginess. I might have eased off because of that, but those blue tights really seal the deal. Seriously, Luke Cage could have filled the Super Hero slot in the Village People if they had one.

 

#8: The Mighty Hercules

No, not Kevin Sorbo. Marvel’s Hercules. The guy they put on the Avengers when Marvel editorial doesn’t let them use Thor. He’s here on the list to represent the Bear community. Bearded and burly, good ol’ Herc wears nothing but a sash across his hairy muscular chest and a little green and brown toga. But the gayest part of his outfit has gotta be the thigh high sandals that make him look he’s heading out to the local leather community fair.

#7: Firestorm

DC Comics’ most powerful C-Lister. Seriously, think about it: His powers are being able to transform all inorganic matter. That’s some Superman/Green Lantern level shit right there. Yet, despite many attempts, he’s always relegated to second stringer status in the JLA. Maybe it’s because his outfit is just a tad too queer? It kind of looks like a gay dancer at Carnival in Rio. Really, just look at those giant poofy sleeves. And the guy’s hair is made of fire. I mean, really….insert joke here. They’ve tried to de-gay Firestorm’s outfit over the years, but it always reverts back to the poofy sleeves and flared shoulder pads. As it should be.

#6: Storm

While most female heroes in comics are scantily clad, most are scantily clad in a traditionally boring way, meant only to titillate the straight male readership. In other words, it’s all cleavage and bare mid-riffs. Very few superhero women have any kind of extreme, fashionable sexiness. But one character who always did was the X-Men’s Storm. Created in 1975 for the “All New All Different” X-Men, Storm was an African Goddess of considerable power. In fact, after Prof. X and Jean Grey, I’d say Storm is the next most powerful X-Man. X-Person. Whatever. The late Dave Cockrum designed her outfit, one that looks like something Grace Jones might have worn while doing blow at Studio 54. Plus, the giant mane of white hair and the cool white eyes just made Ororo Monroe into one of the most striking “strutting down the runway” looks of any of the female heroes. If only Halle Berry had had an ounce of the comic book Storm’s fierceness to spare in the movies.

#5: Gribmor, the Chainsman

An obscure Legion of Super Heroes villain, Grimbor first appeared back in a 70’s issue of Superboy. Apparently, Grimbor’s only power is creating complicated chains, bonds and other forms of confinement. Essentially, he was the first (and only?) S&M inspired Super Villain. His outfit is seriously out of control, like something you might see in German bondage porn. Grimbor wears what appears to be a black leather one piece, leather straps and lots of chains. He made very few appearances over the years, although he did show up in an episode of Kid’s WB’s recent Legion of Super Heroes cartoon series. Needless to say, his look was way less gay. And way less memorable

#4: Stryfe

Rob Liefield. The name alone sends shivers down the spines of most fanboys with any taste. But between 1990 and 1994, Rob was a very popular artist and creator. Let’s give the man some credit; after all, he created literally dozens of characters that you don’t care about today. Ok, a few like Cable and Deadpool are still around. But with the exception of Deadpool, very little of what Rob designed about those characters remains. Most of his creations sported some weird athletic look that evoked the extreme sports craze of the early 90’s, and they were all indistinguishable from one another. Except for Stryfe. Stryfe is some evil clone of Cable or something. Who cares about that? Let’s talk outfit! Stryfe wears shiny chrome armor with giant shoulder pads, phallic spikes coming out from all over, and giant flowing red cape and what looks to be one of the heaviest and most heavily accessorized helmets in villain history. The whole thing looks like something Bob Mackie would design for a Cher tour. It’s that over the top. I don’t think anyone is clamoring for the return of Stryfe, but someone should dust off his old outfit at least. Let Dazzler use it in one of her shows maybe.

#3: Namor the Submariner

King of the Ocean Depths. Sovereign ruler of Atlantis. Bad attitude. Nope, not Aquaman. Despite being reffered to oh so nicely as “Aquafag” on HBO’s Entourage, the gayest sea dweller costume award goes to Marvel’s Namor. Why? Simple. It’s barely a costume. At all. Namor is all buff (yet lean) with a perfect Michael Phelpsian swimmer’s body, and his costume more or less is just a pair of green speedos. He never shows much of a bulge, though; I’m sure being in the water most of the time might have something to do with that. Adding even more gayness are the tiny little wings at Namor’s feet that allow him to fly, defying even the lamest comic book physics. And Namor always seems to have the most perfectly tweezed eyebrows this side of all those young Mexican gay boys that go to all the Morrissey concerts. No one to my knowledge has ever accused the Sub-Mariner of looking queer, though, and considering he’s been known to flood the city of New York when he’s in a bad mood, I can see why. I can only hope that if there is ever a Namor flick they keep the costume the exact same way.

#2: Dazzler

One of the few women on this list. Dazzler was created by Marvel in the late 70’s in what was then one of the weirdest scenarios in comics, a multi media co-creation. Disco label Casablanca records would create a singer named Dazzler, then a movie studio would get a star to play her in a movie, and finally Marvel would chronicle her comic book adventures. By 1980, the “Disco Sucks” backlash had started, and everyone but Marvel had pulled out of the project, leaving them with a new character to promote. Apparently, Dazzler’s outfit was designed by a young John Romita Jr. I believe Mr. Romita to be very straight, but he was channeling some serious gay energy the day he designed Dazzler. Looking like every single disco cliche, Dazzler sported a shiny silver jumpsuit with a flared collar, mirrored roller skates, and an actual disco ball hanging around her neck. Not only that, but she had some kind of Butterfly mask. Dazzler’s powers were something like turning sound to light or some shit, but her true power was her fabulousness. Despite selling 400,000 copies of her first issue (a staggering amount by today’s standards) Dazzler’s series was in the shitter by 1985. Then they tried to make her look more Flashdance and less Xanadu to fit with the times. She still shows up today, usually in an X-men book, but is always wearing a different outfit. As far as I’m concerned, if she ain’t wearing them skates and that Disco ball, it ain’t the real deal. She ain’t my girl. The new Dazzler doesn’t dazzle me. She’s an impostor.

#1: Cosmic Boy

Cosmic Boy is the alias of Legion of Super Heroes founder Rokk Krinn (I know, it sounds like a 30th Century porn star name). He first appeared in 1958 in the very first Legion story, wielding magnetic powers and sporting a hot pink outfit, one that he more or less wore throughout the rest of the 60’s and into the next decade. But amazingly, that’s NOT the outfit that gets him on this list – hot pink or not. Nope, in the mid 70’s, many Legion members got snazzy new costumes designed by comic book legend Mike Grell. To reflect the over-sexed decade, many of those costumes showed a lot of skin. Including Cosmic Boy’s; whose new outfit more or less replaced all the pink in his previous costume with bare skin, leaving him in more or less a black bustier and black gloves and boots. It kind of looks like a bit like Tim Curry as Dr. Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I’m not really sure what the Hell is holding that costume up, but maybe it’s made out of metal or something, and it’s just Cos holding it up with his magnetic powers. Or something. It seriously is so gay that I can’t believe that no one at DC said anything about it back then. There are more famous heroes (like Namor) who could have taken this top spot, but as far as I am concerned, Cosmic Boy takes the cake for gayest comic book outfit of all time.

Love it or hate it, right now America is deep in Vampire overload.  Between Twilight, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries,  and now even The Vampire’s Assistant, even a long time vampire aficionado like myself is wondering “When the hell is this vampire shit gonna slow down??” Well, it might indeed slow down from the 2009 peak we are in the midst of, but I don’t see it going away all together any time soon I’m afraid.

The truth is, Vampires aren’t just another kind of horror movie anymore, it is a genre unto itself. And all genres have their life cycles, but very few movie genres go away forever. Westerns keep being written off as a dead genre, but they keep coming back, even if they haven’t been the dominant form of movie entertainment for the past forty years or so. And as far as genres go, the Vampire genre is far more malleable than the Western, or even Crime Fiction. Want a vampire indie coming of age story? Let The Right One In fits that bill. Want vampires as a civil rights metaphor? There’s HBO’s True Blood.  How about Mormon abstinence propaganda disguised as vampire teen romance? There’s Twilight of course. And there’s even the 99 Cent Store version of Twilight now with the CW’s hit show The Vampire Diaries.  And speaking of Westerns, next year brings a vampire/western hybrid in the form of Priest.  I suppose it is only a matter of time before we get the Vampire Sports flick or the Vampire Animated Musical (actually, in the early 2000’s Fox was going to make an animated musical version of Dracula with Joss Whedon…at the time I thought it sounded like a bad idea, but between the Buffy musical episode and Dr. Horrible, I now wish this project had actually happened) All this bloodsucker media is starting to make even the most hardcore vampire fan like myself wonder if it is all just too much.

One complaint I keep hearing is vampires just aren’t scary any more. Well, let’s be honest….when were they scary?? Between Count Chocula cereal on your breakfast table and The Count on Sesame Street, I can’t remember a time when the vampire image actually freaked me out, or freaked anyone out  aside from your grandma.  Even sincere attempts to re-scarify the vampire mythos like 30 Days of Night leave me scratching my head wondering why they didn’t just tell a zombie story instead (Ironically, in actual folklore there was no real difference between a vampire, zombie or werewolf. It was novelists and Hollywood creators who really started making these totally different creatures) The vampire serves a different purpose in our culture now than just to simply give us a cheap jump scare.  They are our culture’s current power fantasy du jour, and have far more in common with another geeky genre than they do with Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees.  I speak of Hollywood’s other favorite genre of the moment, the comic book super hero.

THE LAST TIME ANYTHING VAMPIRE RELATED ACTUALLY SCARED ME WAS THIS SCENE FROM SALEM’S LOT.

AND IT STILL CREEPS ME OUT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC5HZzjjI9Y

I actually believe vamps have more in common with the Super Hero genre than any other. The modern version of the vampire all stems from one source- Dracula. The modern super hero all stem from one source as well-Superman.  Both vampires and super heroes have power and abilities beyond ordinary mortals, and every decent vamp/super hero comes with his or her own set of weaknesses.  And like vampires, super heroes are very malleable too. Want your super hero story mixed in with a little teen angst? I’ve got a Spider-Man for your Buffy. How about as a civil rights metaphor? There was an X-Men way before there was a True Blood.  Ultimately the Super Hero genre has more room for flexibility, but what the vampire genre lacks in flexibility in makes up for in sexuality.  Almost all super heroes are chaste, with the sex appeal factor kept at a minimum, despite those tight ass costumes. I suppose the one exception to this rule is Iron Man, which goes a long way in explaining how that seems to be the one super hero movie that really resonated with women. Robert Downey Junior’s version of Tony Stark oozed sex appeal, which is why it is probably the only super hero movie that your sister or the girls at the office actually liked.

So while the current vampire fad my indeed burn itself out before too long,  it’ll just come back again stronger than ever with a few years time.  As long as there are emo teenage girls who want to “fix” the bad boy they have a crush on, there will be vampire romances like Twilight. As long as there are gay teenagers coming out of the closet, there will be someone reading Anne Rice’s Lestat books. As long as there are people who like to see bad ass vampire killers, there will be an audience for Blade. And for all our complaints of vampire overload, including my own, are there really more vampire themed movies and shows than say, cop dramas or action flicks? Maybe when we get to True Blood: Miami or Vampire Diaries: SVU will the world REALLY have had enough of the undead, and close the lid on that coffin for good. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Way back in the day at the very first MTV Video Music Awards, Madonna instantly became an overnight sensation when she strutted around in a boustier wearing crucifixes, rolling around the floor to Like A Virgin like a cat in heat. America was shocked and outraged, and my Catholic mother walked out of the room disgusted. 25 years later, almost to the day, Lady Gaga performed her hit Paparazzi at the same Awards show, also in white lace, this time culminating in her bleeding body hanging from the rafters. By happenstance (and yet another Michael Jackson memorial number) I happened to watch the VMA’s this year with my mom again, who had the exact same reaction to GaGa’s performance as she did to Madonna’s when I was a kid. Considering Madonna went on to become a household name after that night, I can only hope that my mom’s horrified reaction is a sign of good things to come for the House of Gaga. Because I actually believe that Lady GaGa IS the new Madonna. There, I said it.

As a lifelong Madonna fanatic, I know it should make me gag having to admit that anyone is the “New Madonna”, but the truth is I’ve been waiting to say that about someone, anyone, for over a decade now. When Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera first burst onto the pop music scene a decade ago, the media christened them as Madonna’s successors. I scoffed at this notion. First off, nether Brit Brit not Christina were self created pop divas; everything from their music, their dance moves, and their clothing was decided upon by committee. From an early age, their pushy stage mothers arranged for them to be on Star Search, then Disney Channel fame, then finally record deals with songs that surely would have gone to someone else had they never been born. Their entire look isn’t exactly pop star worthy in my book either. Looking like you have an amazing expense account at Forever 21 at the local mall is not creating a new fashion sense, all it is is wearing what everyone else is already wearing. Yawn. When both Britney and Christina dressed up as Madonna at the MTV Awards a few years back to honor her 20th Anniversary performance, all I could think was “really, are they the best we can do?” *

Well, finally someone has stepped up to the plate. I believe Lady GaGa IS that new pop Diva. Of course, only time will really tell If GaGa can have anything close to the longevity that Madonna has had, but I think she has a better shot than anyone up till now.  I’ve heard all the same things before: “She’s a flash in the pan, no one will remember who is she is a year from now”, but in my opinion, Lady GaGa is not going anywhere kids. The girl has the will, the determination, the style, the theatricality, and yes, the potty mouth of Madonna. Of course, the media has noticed the similarity between the two, and even brought it up to GaGa in interviews. “Well, we’re  both blonde, we’re both Italian, and we both started our careers in New York City, and we both like to take our clothes off in public” says Lady GaGa. But there are more similarities than just those.

Both Are Self Created

By GaGa’s own admission, she “makes pop music they way rock stars make rock music, I worked my way up the club circuit and the underground burlesque shows for a long time and did my own thing”  Like Madonna, she earned her stripes in the pop world.  Disney didn’t hand it out like they did for Britney and Christina, and she didn’t get famous on American Idol singing other people’s old hits. She did it the old fashioned way.

Neither Are Runway Models

Unlike the American Idol chicks (any of them, take your pic) or even early Brit/Christina, neither Madonna nor GaGa are what one would call “classic beauties”. Madge was cute when she was a young pop tart, but nothing special. And GaGa has that giant honkin’ nose. But both worked extra hard at being the sexiest bitches around, proving you don’t have to be perfect to get the girls to want to be you and the guys to want to fuck you.

Both GaGa and Madonna Are Smart Cookies

Sure, all of the songs on GaGa’s debut album “The Fame” are about being sexy, fabulous, partying, and doing hot boys. But then, so were all the songs on Madonna’s debut album.  But neither of these girls are just dumb tarts. They know their music history. GaGa is no Avril Lavigne, who mispronounces David Bowie’s name and then later says she didn’t even know who that was. GaGa wears her 70’s glam and 80’s New Wave influences on her sleeve, just like Madonna channeled Marilyn Monroe and Marlene Dietrich back in the day. GaGa is also a work horse like Madge.  Whether or not she’s the same work horse at age 50 remains to be seen, but I could see it happening.

Play To Your Core Gay Audience, And They’ll Never Abandon You

Both GaGa and Madonna are, essentially, female drag queens. And us gays love us our drag queens. Dressing up in overly theatrical get ups, working WAY too much make up and wigs, and harboring aggressive sexual dance moves, both are essentially gay men in women’s bodies. GaGa is, of course, very aware of how important her gay fanbase is to be sure – “The turning point for me was the gay community, I’ve got so many gay fans and they’re so loyal to me and they really lifted me up. They’ll always stand by me and I’ll always stand by them. It’s not an easy thing to create a fanbase. … Being invited to play [the San Francisco Pride rally], that was a real turning point for me as an artist.” The lesson here – don’t forget us and we won’t forget about you. When she won her VMA Award for Best New Artist, she said “This one’s for God, and for the Gays” (We love you to ghurl)

Of course, it is possible that I’m wrong about all of this, and Miss GaGa disappears in a year or two, but I really don’t think so. Just like I told naysayers about Madonna all those years ago, you all better get used to her, or get used to hating her, ‘cuz bitch ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.

 

Last year when I reviewed the new 90210 for this very site, I will admit to being somewhat scathing in my assessment of that show. However, I did wish it continued success for one specific reason (and yes, I’m going to quote my own article. Is that tacky? too bad) “OK, I’ll come clean; my real secret hope for the success of 90210 is that if it’s a hit, The CW will follow it up with a Melrose Place Redux” Well, apparently the television Gods were listening that day, because less than a year later we are witnessing the rebirth of Melrose Place, in all its trashy glory.

Back in the 90’s, there were two kinds of people; Beverly Hills 90210 people and Melrose Place people. I was definitely one of the latter. Originally, Melrose Place was virtual clone of 90210, except instead of 25 year olds playing high schoolers, we had people in their late 20’s/early 30’s playing 21 year olds. Melrose was more or less the same boring morality plays and stories about growing up in the big bad city that 90210 was. And nobody watched it, including me.  I suppose in conception, Melrose was supposed to have more in common with Friends than 90210, with an attractive group of twenty-somethings living next to each other and having romantic entanglements – only I don’t remember Jennifer Aniston having multiple personality disorder, or David Schwimmer having a forced lobotomy performed on him. Hell, I might have even watched Friends if they had. In any case, ratings dipped, so creator Aaron Spelling brought in Heather Locklear as the resident Queen Bitch of the apartment complex, Amanda Woodward. Things very quickly became ridiculous and actually very entertaining. Pretty soon, the show had catfights, hookers, cults, stalkers, obscene phone callers, murders, and of course backstabbing and affairs.  Characters died, and some even came back from the dead. And for awhile, the infamous swimming pool in the courtyard was even haunted. The only thing they didn’t do was aliens. All of this camp insanity made Melrose totally must watch television, at least for the first 5 seasons (the less said about the last two seasons the better) Melrose Place closed its doors finally in 1999, fittingly closing out the decade whose pop culture they had helped define.

2 MINUTES WORTH OF REASONS WHY THE ORIGINAL MELROSE TOTALLY ROCKED

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mnehw5FB5g8

And now it is 2009, well into the age of reboots and sequels. The new Melrose is a bit of both actually.  Almost all of the cast is new, all said to be in their early 20’s (although how some of these kids could afford the rent on a place like this is so “tv logic”, but whatever). Although the cast is mostly new, two notable former cast members make very welcome returns-Thomas Calabro as sociopathic doctor Michael Mancini and Laura Leighton as ex stripper/call girl/cult member Sydney Andrews. Sydney left the cast at the end of the original show’s 5^th Season, after being killed on her wedding day by being mowed over by a car. But on Melrose, faking your death is like a rite of passage I guess…Heather Locklear’s Amanda did it at least twice in the show’s run. So for Melrose 2.0, Sydney is back amongst the land of the living. But only for the first 5 minutes of the show. Yes, they brought back Syd from the grave, but only to kill her off right away.

Before the opening logo even appears, we are treated to an intro to all the seven main characters who now live at 4616 Melrose Place.  First there is blonde, hot and dumb looking David (Shaun Sipos) who is feeling up some nameless LA hottie in a nightclub, when he gets an emergency text from his landlady and ex lover, Sydney. He rushes over there to find Sydney in no real need of help, except to say she did something “really, really bad” and won’t he please stay the night.  David is apparently the son of Michael Mancini, so by fucking Syd he is fucking his ex step mom. Classy. Of course he doesn’t stay, and the next morning all the tenants rush out when they hear new tenant Violet (Ashlee Simpson) scream upon discovering Syd’s bloody body in the pool.  Then not much happens for like, 20 minutes, as we get lame screenwriting 101 intros to all the cast members…and so far they are almost all boring. We have Jonah and Riley (Michael Rady and Jessica Lucas) the perfect couple who have been together five years. Jonah asks Riley to marry him, but she’s gotta “think about it.” YAWN. Then we are introduced to Lauren, (Stephanie Jacobsen) a sexy medical student with a heart of gold struggling to pay her tuition. DOUBLE YAWN. Then there’s Auggie (Colin Egglesfield), a hunky young chef who the writers are making it seem really obvious that he’s Sydney’s killer, so he probably isn’t. The only standout in the cast is Ella Sims(Katie Cassidy) who is the bitchy, blonde young vixen, clearly meant to be Heather Locklear 2.0. Except with a bit of a twist, as she’s bisexual (a clear attempt at getting some straight guys to actually watch this show)  She seems to be the only one who knows what show she is in and is having fun with it. Finally, things get fun in the last act when a rich guy offers Lauren $5000 dollars to sleep with him and help her with tuition, and Jonah accidentally discovers a big time director fucking around with his teenage daughter’s equally teenage friend and has the video to prove it. Now that’s the Melrose I know and love. Oh, and I haven’t said much about Ashlee Simpson.  That’s because she is barely in it. All I know is she has bright red hair in this show like Sydney, and steals a photo of Sydney at the end of the show. If that doesn’t scream “Syd is my long lost mother and I had something to do with her death” I don’t know what does.

I have to admit,  this show is not good by any real definition of the word. But I’m still on board. Making fun of the acting is kind of pointless on a show like this, as no one watches them for the acting. Or the writing. But it has the potential to be trashy fun like the original show was if they do it right. And I will also admit that the whole “Who Killed Sydney Andrews?” plotline alone has me hooked. After all, Syd and I go back a long way. Back to when I used to wear purple Doc Martens even.  Of course, what also really has me really interested are the returns of other members of the classic cast; original Melrosers coming on to the show soon include Josie Bisset and Daphne Zuniga, and the producers have already stated their intentions to bring back Grant Show and Courtney Thorne Smith. Andrew Shue realized what all Melrose watchers knew for six seasons, that he couldn’t act and retired from acting, so fat chance there. And both Marcia Cross and Doug Savant have moved to big time stardom with Desperate Houswives, so don’t count on their ghosts in the swimming pool anytime soon either.

But what this new Melrose really, really needs is a dose of Locklear. Locklear’s Amanda WAS Melrose Place, and without her it just won’t really be the same. Heather Locklear is still smokin’ hot for a 47 year old Cougar, I could easily see her bedding any of these twenty something guys. Despite her recent bout of crazy, time (and botox) has been kind to Heather. Apparently, the producers of this show are desperately trying to get her to sign on the dotted line. Heather saved one version of Melrose Place….can she save this one too? I know I will be tuning in to find out.

 

Comic Con International 2009 was my 10th Comic Con, which I’m having a hard time believing even as i write it. Back in 2000 when I attented my first Con, Geek Culture was just about to take over in a big way, and you could feel it in the air that year.  X-Men the movie had just come out, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, a comic book property was a huge hit. But I had no idea the Con would grow so far and so fast from where it was 9 years ago. In 2000 there were some 50,000 attendees at the Con, this year there were 126,000. And man, could you ever feel it (and smell it). Despite my utter annoyance at the increasing numbers of nerds packed into the San Diego Convention Center like cows in a slaughterhouse, there is one panel that gets bigger and bigger each year where I actually enjoy seeing the increase in attendance: The Gays in Comics Panel and Mixer, now  celebrating its 22nd year.

 
One thing that has always remained consistent every year for me at Comic Con is that I always make it a point to go to the Gays in Comics Panel. Moderated by writer Andy Mangels, in many ways the panel is more or less the same thing every year, with the same questions raised and the same concerns voiced. And more often than not, the same panel members return every year too. But it is still empowering to sit in a room with hundreds of other gay geeks and know that there is strength in our growing numbers. But considering much of the bitching and moaning from panelists (as well as attendees like me) boils down each year to “there aren’t enough LGBT characters in mainstream comics”, this year there was something different in the air. Had the Glass Ceiling for LGBT characters finally been cracked this year?? Maybe? After all, two pretty significant events happened in the mainstream world of Marvel and DC Comics this past year, both of which were on everyone’s lips at the panel.

Batwoman Takes Over Detective Comics
 
Detective Comics, DC’s longest running title (not to mention the book the damn company is named after) is now showcasing a new lead character in the form of Batwoman, who is an out lesbian. Sure, it will only last a year or so, and sure, Bruce Wayne will eventually headline this book once more as he has for 70 years. But the point is that right now, a gay character headlines a popular mainstream super hero book, and one connected to arguably the most popular hero in comics. This is a BIG deal, and we gay fans should take a moment to acknowledge this and enjoy it, because it was a long time coming folks. Besides, Greg Rucka is knocking it out of the park with this book, and JH Williams’ art is totally stunning. If you aren’t reading it, then you aren’t deserving of the title comic book nerd. It really is that good.

 

X-Men on Men Action
 
Over at Marvel, another significant milestone has occured. One that even made national headlines (If you can count Perez Hilton’s site as National Headlines. Since I’m a gay guy, for me, Perez Hilton is up there with CNN.com) The first on-panel man on man kiss between two gay heroes in a mainstream super hero book. (I’m not counting The Authority, as that was an 18+ book). I speak now of the finally out of the closet relationship between mutant C-Listers Rictor and Shatterstar in Peter David’s X-Factor. Long rumored, and written with many “wink wink nudge nudges” by other writers over the years, Peter David finally outed the two heroes as a couple officially and for the record. Douchebag artist/creator and all around industry joke Rob Liefield has recently stated that the Shatterstar he created back in the 90’s, and for whom he wrote his first 12 appearances, was not gay, and were he ever go back to Marvel he would “undo it.” According to ol’ Rob, the Shatterstar he created was a fighter who only lived for war, like an ancient Spartan (note to Rob: Google “Spartan + Homosexuality” and see what comes up). X-Factor writer Peter David had this to say in response to Liefield’s comments, which he more or less reiterated at the Panel on Saturday

 

“I understand that some parents have the same reaction. They were responsible for their children’s first appearances and, when informed of their sexual persuasion, firmly declare it’s impossible, they can’t be gay. I find particularly distressing, Rob’s contention that Shatterstar can’t possibly be gay because he’s a warrior. That might come as a bit of a shock to Alexander the Great. For that matter, among his assortment of gay friends, I suppose Rob has none in the military since of course gays aren’t allowed to serve unless they keep their mouths shut. Perhaps Rob would like to see “don’t ask, don’t tell” implemented in the Marvel Universe”

Thankfully, according to Peter David at the panel, Marvel EIC Joe Quesada has gone on the record as saying as long as he is in charge, it will never be undone.   (In other words, Gay Shatterstar is not a Skrull. Sorry, was that reference too last year?)

 
Both of these things are huge deals for us Gay Geeks. Of course, not everything is great and perfect yet in the world of gay characters in genre media. As pointed out in the panel, it would be really nice of creators of characters like Dumbledore in the Harry Potter books and Felix Gaeta on Battlestar Galactica didn’t wait to out their characters as gay after the fact, or on some web series like Gaeta was, but at the beginning of the series. Just lay all the cards out on the table. We are past the point of needing the gay aspect snuck in after the fact. And while sitting at the Gays in Comics panel this year, I was happy to see that comics were leading in this respect where other media is lagging behind. This is still COMIC-Con after all, and it was nice to see the comic book angle trump the Hollywood angle in at least one regard.

 

In the wake of Michael Jackson’s sudden death and the surrounding media frenzy, it seems the consensus amongst his fans is “let’s just remember the good stuff” and not talk about the bad stuff. It seems fair; after all, it is just courtesy to not speak ill of the dead. And in Michael’s case, the “bad stuff” is pretty bad. Sure, he was acquitted of all molestation charges, but if he didn’t at least play “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” with one of those pre teen boys, then I’ll give up men — for like, a whole week even. Everyone now just wants to focus on back when Michael was normal, at least to the naked eye, and ignore the insanity that accompanied him these last couple of decades.

But what if you’re like me, and you LOVED the Crazy Michael? OK, maybe not molesty Michael, but just plain whacked Michael? What if you looked forward to all the latest insanity to come out of the Jackson camp with anticipation and glee? Ever since Michael’s career came crashing down with the molestation charges back in 1993, I’ve enjoyed watching the living train wreck that was Michael Jackson. There have been other celebrity train wrecks before and since; Elvis, Britney, Lindsay, Ana Nicole….the list goes on and on. But few had the endless hundreds of millions to indulge every bizarre and oddball urge that came into their brains — although Howard Hughes does come to mind. Michael Jackson took the weirdo superstar train wreck and elevated it into almost an art form. No, not almost, it WAS Art. Capital A. And the best part is he probably wasn’t  even aware of it on that level. For him it was all just normal. And that made it all so much better.

The Crazy Things I’ll Miss:

Neverland Ranch

What happens when you’re the biggest star in the world, and all you wanna do is go to Disneyland? (And you don’t want to go to Disneyland having to wear prosthetics to make you look like an old white man. Yes, he actually did that once.) Well, you build your own! Neverland had its very own series of Merry Go Rounds, Go Carts, and a Choo Choo Train. It even had its very own zoo with llamas and tigers and Bubbles the Chimp. The place was fuckin’ nuts. When I was a kid the rumor was that it had its very own Pirates of the Caribbean ride underneath. OK, that is probably not true. But to this day, I choose to believe it is there.

Rumor is that Michael will be buried at Neverland and the place is going to be open to the public like a Graceland style theme park. If that comes true I am SO going. I can’t wait to ride that Choo Choo and whisper tasteless jokes in the ears of my friends.

The Outfits

Michael always dressed like some kind of cross between Captain Crunch, Liberace, and your 90 year old grandmother’s chandelier. And not just to go on stage, where it would make sense – he’d dress that way for a court date, to go to the hospital, you name it. It would be like Leonard Nimoy going to a Star Trek convention today wearing Spock ears. But I have to admit that I loved it.

The Dumb Publicity Moves

I suppose, like a certain Mr. George Lucas, when you are so rich and powerful that you can do anything you want, no one ever tells you “….maybe that isn’t such a good idea“. I can only imagine what went through Michael’s head with some of these bone headed moves…

“Everyone will think I’m straight and into chicks and not an icky child molester if I marry Elvis’ daughter, then have an awkward staged kiss with her on live TV!”

“Since everyone wants to see this new baby I just bought—I mean, just had, how about I hold him out this four story window with a shawl over his face?”

“That documentary did a lot of damage – that Martin Bashir was a mean doody head! I’ll release my OWN documentary footage to show the world how normal I am, like when I rented out a grocery store for the night and paid actors to pretend to be other shoppers and ignore me, then I filled my shopping cart like a regular Joe. Or show how Elizabeth Taylor surprises me with a Chistmas present of a live elephant named Gypsy! That’ll show them! I’m just like you America!”

“This molestation trial is pretty serious. I might even go to jail forever! Fuck it…I’m gonna get up on this SUV and pop and lock!”

That Face

Watching Michael Jackson turn from a cute black boy into some kind of cross between Diana Ross and an Alien Grey was like a multi million dollar decades long art project.  Every few months he’d pop his head out like it was Groundhog Day, it would be a newer, different, more weird looking Michael Jackson. And every time he did it, I’d be horrified and yet enthralled at what he’d accomplished. Can the human nose get any smaller??? Could it have gotten smaller?? Now we’ll never know.

What I Won’t Miss: The Music

Why not? Because I’ll forever have Off The Wall, Thriller and the old Jackson 5 stuff in my iTunes.  So I don’t need to ever miss it. As for new music…let’s face it, Michael had not produced anything worthwhile musically in like, twenty years. (No, not even Bad. OK, Except for Smooth Criminal. That song and video are pretty awesome. And don’t say Man In The Mirror either. That shit is best left to bad Jr. High talent shows/dance routines.) The best Michael Jackson song in recent years was D.A.N.C.E. from Euro dance pop group Justice. Other people have been producing better MJ product than MJ himself. And no, Michael was probably never going to accomplish a major comeback. Let us not kid ourselves, it was way too late for that. His death IS his comeback.

So farewell, Michael. While others called you “Wacko Jacko” with derision, I did so with affection. Your unique brand of crazy often brought a smile to my face. The world will, at the very least, be a way more boring place without you. And that sucks.

 

While there has always been a lack of central gay characters in sci-fi and fantasy, for some reason it seems robots have been filling the role of the token queer for decades. In a way this makes sense, since robots aren’t people and in that way, writers and producers of genre fare can include “the gay” without any mention of the icky sex part. So on the eve of the release of the latest robot epic Terminator: Salvation, I present the Top Ten Gayest Robots in Pop Culture,counting down from number ten. And speaking of the Terminator, coming in at number Ten….

#10: The T-800 from The Terminator Series

“Not Arnold!” you might say. Yes, Arnold may be the very epitome of hetero manliness, but the T-800 is a pretty queer robot. Let’s look at the evidence: first off, in James Cameron’s original Terminator movie, the first place Arnie shows up in the 20th Century is in a park in the middle of the night, buck naked. He then proceeds to ask some young men to remove their clothing. I don’t know about you, but in my world, we call that cruising. Then when he finally finds some clothes to wear, he always chooses outfits that make him look like the leather daddy in the Village People. And then there’s that body; muscles that suggest he might live at the Skynet Gym back in his own time. All of this is adding up to the T-800 being queer as a three dollar bill.

#9: Voltron

Voltron was part of the 80’s trends of both transforming robots and anime imports. Voltron was never quite as popular as the Transformers, but at least he wasn’t a Go-Bot. Although he doesn’t have a personality of his own per se, he is made up of 5 different men (all with fabulous hair) who “link up” to form him. True, eventually one of the men was replaced with a woman, but she wore hot pink. So it still counts as queer in my book. And when they do assemble him, they form him using not planes or cars or other such manly things, but multi colored lions. And to top it all off, he forms a flaming sword. In one word: Gay.

#8: The Lesbian Robots From That Bjork Video

In 1997, singer Bjork released a video for her song “All Is Full Of Love” directed by Chris Cunningham. This was back when MTV played videos and not stupid reality shows about people everyone hates, and occasionally actual money and thought went into these little three minute movies. The whole concept of this video is a sexual awakening moment between two cleary female robots (I say clearly because they both have boobies). Great song, even better video, they don’t make ’em like this anymore kids. A side note, the basic look of these robots were totally ripped off by that dreadful movie I, Robot. The robots in that movie don’t have any sexuality I think, making the Bjork ones totally better by default.

#7: The Tin Man

I suppose whether or not he’s really a robot or not is open to debate, but he’s a man made out of metal, so fuck it…I’m counting him. Aside from starring in one of the all time favorite films of many a gay man, his signature song “If I Only Had a Heart” has lyrics that go like this:

I’d be tender, I’d be gentle

And awful sentimental

Regarding love and art

I’d be friends with the sparrows

And the boy that shoots the arrows

If I only had a heart

Yeah, the “boy who shoots the arrows” indeed. The only reason the Tin Man doesn’t seem quite as gay to some is only because he is out-fagged in his own movie by the Cowardly Lion.

#6: Rosie From The Jetsons

Continuing a long tradition of seemingly gay Hanna Barbera cartoon characters, Rosie may have indeed been the first dykey toon from that particular studio. Heavy on the sarcasm, and always able to fix things around the house (that George was pretty useless). She always seemed to dote more on Jane and Judy Jetson, and more or less always just got irritated by the Jetson men. I can’t help but wonder if Rosie O’Donnell based her entire personality on Rosie the Robot, they share so many similar traits. Still, I have a certain fondness for The Jetsons’ robo maid, while I wish someone would just hurry up and ban Rosie O’ Donnell from ever speaking again.

#5: V.I.N.cent from The Black Hole

In the wake of the massive success of Star Wars, every studio in town wanted their own version. Disney’s version was 1979’s The Black Hole, a movie that is more or less forgotten today. It did sport it’s own R2 knock off in the form of V.I.N.Cent (“Vital Information Necessary CENTralized” — easily the shittiest acronym ever), a chubby little floating droid with a voice provided by gay Brit actor Roddy McDowall. That alone gets him on this list. That, and the movie he starred in was called The Black Hole. Draw your own conclusions.

#4: Cylon Model Number Six from Battlestar Galactica

The first model of Cylon we see in the modern version of Battlestar Galactica, she above any of the other Cylon models, seems programmed for sex and seduction. Although we mostly see this particular model in the form of Caprica Six, who spends most of her time either seducing/tormenting Gauis Baltar or Saul Tighe, there is a version of her that slept with the female Admiral Cain from the Battlestar Pegasus in an effort to seduce her and gain access to some military codes (or something like that). She is the one robot, for lack of a better word, who then fits the token Bi-Sexual slot on this list.

#3: HAL 9000 from 2001

Sure, he’s just a disembodied voice. But it is a male voice. Calm. Cool.Collected. HAL is that gay guy who works at The Gap who tells you how great that shirt looks on you, but what he really means is “wow, you look really stupid in that”. Yet his bitchiness is never betrayed by his voice. Yet somehow it’s all there, under the surface. You sense the hostility, but you won’t know for sure until you hear him snicker about you with fellow co-workers in hushed tones as someone else rings you up. In HAL’s case, you won’t sense the hostility till he won’t open those damn pod bay doors for you. I realize I just compared a brilliant computer mind to an evil retail queen, but if you think about it you’ll realize I’m totally right.

#2: C-3PO

Oh, you SO thought he was gonna be #1 didn’t you? Well, in all fairness it was pretty damn close. If the T-800 is the Muscle Daddy, and Rosie is the Diesel Dyke, the Threepio is the prissy queen of the cinematic robot world. Always mincing around, bitching to his “counterpart” R2-D2 about something or other, and just constantly freaking out about some shit in the queeniest way possible. Not to mention this obsession with “Master” Luke. Everything about Threepio spells G-A-Y, but everyone knows this already, so let’s move on to #1…..

#1: Twiki from Buck Rogers

The annoying robot sidekick in the 70’s TV series Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, who is mostly remembered for his annoying catchphrase “biddi biddi biddi!” and for being voiced by Mel Blanc, who voiced the sometimes equally queer acting Bugs Bunny for decades. Twiki gets the #1 slot for two reasons. First, his name is pronounced TWEEK-E, as in “Tweek”. To be blunt, the number one drug habit of choice for gay men is speed, and speed users are called tweekers. It ain’t pretty, but there it is folks. And last, but certainly not least, His damn head is shaped like a penis. I mean…look at it. I rest my case. HIS HEAD IS A PENIS. Twiki is the gayest robot ever.

 

It seems I’ve been a Star Trek fan all my life. Growing up with re-runs of the old show, not to mention being there as a kid for the theatrical runs of almost all of the original films, I’ve always been attracted to the idea of a multi-colored future where people of all races and creeds get along and can explore their paper-mâché galaxy together. Star Trek: The Next Generation premiered when I turned thirteen, and went off the air right as I turned twenty, so my formative years were spent with Captain Picard and the crew of the Enterprise D. So, needless to say, Star Trek is in my geek DNA. And whether I realized it as a kid or not, the notion of a future without prejudice or bigotry was very appealing to at least this one little queer kid.

It is well known today that the original series pioneered the concept of a gender and racially diverse cast. In 1966 It was very rare to see people of any ethnicity on television, or women in positions of authority, much less being officers on board a military vessel. Of course, the idea of having gay people on the original series was obviously never even brought up, as “gay” in 1967 still just meant “happy”. But in subsequent, more tolerant decades, the cry for Star Trek to include gays and lesbians in the 23rd and 24th Century idea of diversity seemed to fall on deaf ears. But it is something that has kept almost happening.

The Next Generation

When Star Trek: The Next Generation premiered in 1987, times were different than when the classic show aired. The gay activist movement, which had gained strength in the late 70’s, was now in full swing. But then again, so was the AIDS epidemic, and thus more intolerance and fear of gays than ever before. In the fall 1986, there was a massive Trek convention for the 20th anniversary convention of the original show. After a speech to a group of his faithful fans, Trek creator Gene Roddenberry took a question about the upcoming Next Generation show from a queer fan who was part of an LGBT fan group called “The Gaylaxians.” (*sigh* Yeah, the Gaylaxians. My peeps aren’t always clever folks) He asked whether there would be a gay character on the new show. He made the point that the classic show had been a leader in bringing minority characters to television, that this was the next logical step. And it seemed Roddenberry agreed. He said, “Sooner or later, we’ll have to address the issue. We should probably have a gay character.” Roddenberry mentioned “the gay issue” in a meeting with producers about the direction of the series. Some members of the staff were pretty shocked. TNG producer Robert Justman even made a remark about “ensign tutti-frutti”, according to writer David Gerrold, who wrote the classic episode “The Trouble With Tribbles” for the original series. According to Gerrold, “Gene very calmly explained that it was time.” But that time never really came.

Blood and Fire: The Gay Trek Episode That Never Was

But back in 1987, there almost was a gay character. A couple in fact.  They were going to be minor crew members, sure. But it was something. David Gerrold was brought onboard to The Next Generation to write his first (and as it turns out, only) script for that series, which was called “Blood and Fire”. In the script, Captain Picard and the Enterprise answer a call from a distressed medical research vessel. The away team then finds that the ship’s crew is infected with “Regulan blood worms,” an incurable virus so deadly that Starfleet has ordered its officers to destroy any ship they contaminate. Aside from its obvious reference to AIDS paranoia, the script also contained a very slight reference to the homosexuality of two crew members. “How long have you been together?” Commander Riker asks a pair of male crewmen who accompany him to the infected ship. “Since the academy,” they say. It was just an offhand reference, but it was more than we had ever had before, and it showed to America that in the 24th Century, your sexual orientation is a non issue. In the future, they do ask and you do tell. And they apparently still let you serve.

After a series of arguments with Roddenberry’s underlings, Gerrold quit the show, and the episode was permanently shelved. Despite the fact that TNG was syndicated and didn’t have to answer to a network, the folks at Paramount were still nervous as hell about showing gay people in a positive light on any show which might be aired on Sunday afternoons (after church!) when kids could see it. Any sincere attempts to bring a LGBT character onto Star Trek were then met with serious resistance from the studio. “Blood and Fire” was eventually revived twenty years later, with some major revisions (and a lot more than just hand holding) on the internet fan made Trek series The New Voyages. In fact, it is really only in fan fiction, as well as some official under the radar tie-in novels, that there are any regular gay and lesbian characters in the Trek-verse.

In a 1991 interview with leading gay magazine The Advocate, Roddenberry promised that Season five of TNG would finally bring gay character to the series. Sadly, he died that year before that promise could be fulfilled. Instead of a regular new gay character, that season we got a thinly veiled gay rights episode called “The Outcast” about Commander Riker getting romantically involved with someone from a “gender neutral” species. (although she was very clearly female, much to the actor’s annoyance) It is a pretty good episode, although very heavy handed (but then so is most Trek really) After Roddenberry’s death in 1991, The Next Generation continued a run of what would be four Trek series that ran over 18 years. And not a single one of them had a gay or lesbian main character. Many fans blame Roddenberry’s heir Rick Berman, who ran the franchise (into the ground, most would say) from 1991 till 2005 when Enterprise was mercifully axed. Unlike Roddenberry, Berman was not that interested in Trek’s social agenda, merely it’s capacity to be a money making machine for Paramount. Under his watch, Trek avoided almost any controversy, while non genre shows like Ellen and Will & Grace (not to mention genre shows like Buffy)broke the barriers of queer characters on television. Breaking taboos and pushing the social envelope were no longer part of Trek’s agenda it seems. Star Trek was now as safe as Sesame Street.

Clearly doing the episode “The Outcast” was Rick Berman’s way of throwing the gay fans a bone, hoping it would silence their cries for a gay crew member. It didn’t. Berman then threw the gay fans yet another bone with the Deep Space Nine episode “Rejoined” in 1995. In that episode, regular cast member Jadzia Dax, herself a member of an alien species called the Trill who switch bodies and genders throughout the centuries, locks lips with her ex-wife from back when she was a man. This was another solid ep, but of course the gay implications of this story were never mentioned again on the series. Considering how hot the actress who played Dax (Terry Farrell) was, nixing any future same sex storylines was stupid on Berman’s part not only for pissing off the queer fanbase, but ignoring the rather large demographic of sex starved male Trek nerds who would have loved a little alien girl on girl smoochies.

JJ Abrams to the rescue?

Now Star Trek makes a triumphant return, albeit to the big screen and not the small one. The new Trek movie does not include any gay characters, since they are using the original series crew members who we already know to be hetero, (yeah, even Sulu smart ass). I still hope that maybe Abrams and other subsequent writers and directors for this new Trek-verse will have way more balls about including LGBT characters in future installments than the previous regimes in charge of Star Trek did. Maybe it won’t be revolutionary this time, but at least it will be fair. Now that Trek is back, the future is wide open. So I hope we get to hear some of those SWOOSH sounds on those Enterprise closet doors.

In light of the impending release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine (to theaters anyway. Snap!) now is as good a time as any to reflect upon comicdom’s biggest and most beloved gay allegory, The X-Men. While Marvel’s mutant population has always been a metaphor for race relations as well, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that it is the gay underpinnings that have proven to be stronger, at least in the modern era. The similarities between real life gays and lesbians and the fantasy mutants of the Marvel Universe are, well…uncanny (sorry guys, I couldn’t resist) Born looking and sounding like everyone else, their true nature emerges around adolescence, making them a target for the world at large. Seeking to find others like them, they either adapt and become contributing members of society at large, or they become angry and bitter and don’t trust “normal” people due to not being able to get past the way they were treated as youngsters. And many choose to remain hidden, hoping no one figures out who they really are, sometimes for their entire lives. With this description I could be talking about the X-Men, or I could just as easily be talking about any gay person you might know.

 

The Early Years

 Okay, in fairness, the X-Men were not always such a big gay allegory, as that would have been way too much for the time in which they were created. If anything, the underpinnings for the book were rooted more in the black civil rights movement. But even those racial undertones were pretty much non explicit back then. It was all just a bit too much for a comic aimed at kids and teens in the early 60’s. In that first issue of X-Men in 1963, there were little hints of the notion of mutants as a separate race, with its own civil rights issues and prejudices to deal with. In Stan Lee’s own words, “the whole message of X-Men was love they fellow man. He may have wings growing out of his back, or beams shooting out of his eyes, or he may be a different color or a different race, but he’s still your brother. It’s wrong to hate or persecute people because they are different than you, or worship differently than you do” But let’s be honest; when Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created the concept back in 1963, what they really wanted was another team book to cash in on the huge success of their initial team effort, the Fantastic Four. Any civil rights metaphors were secondary to telling stories about kids with super powers fighting giant robots. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

 

 With X-Men, Stan Lee wanted to create a team that looked like the Fantastic Four but were as hated by the general population and feared as Spider-Man was. But Kirby’s heart was never as into the angst and teen melodrama as Stan Lee was, so he left X-Men with issue #18 to focus on the more grand and cosmic adventures of the Fantastic Four and Thor. Without the Lee/Kirby combo, sales of X-men plummeted. And X-Men’s sales were never really that great to begin with. The book limped along till 1970 when it was finally cancelled. It would be five more years till Professor Xavier’s students would get another chance at success.

Second Genesis: X-Men Begins to Fulfill It’s Potential

 

In 1975, editor Len Wein decided they needed a book with a more international flair, since Marvel Comics were starting to be sold worldwide. It was decided that X-Men would be revived and would be that title. First thing they did was get rid of most of the lily white cast, with the exceptions of Xavier, Cyclops and later Jean Grey. Now, the book about allegorical minorities would actually have minorities in it. New writer Chris Claremont took all the implied metaphor of a persecuted minority from the early issues of the title and made it explicit. Charles Xavier was now a Martin Luther King type figure, who wanted nothing more than peaceful co-existence with man and mutant. Magneto, his opposite number, was transformed from a straight up villain into a  sympathetic Malcolm X type figure, who wanted what was best for his people by any means necessary.  In a world where the U.S. military creates Sentinel Robots to hunt down mutants, how bad a guy can Magneto really be?

 

By the early 80’s, X-Men under Chris Claremont’s guidance was Marvel’s best selling title. In 1982, Chris Claremont produced the first X-Men graphic novel, God Loves, Man Kills. Meant by Claremont to encapsulate everything the X-Men was about, the book was about an evangelical preacher named Reverend Stryker who stirs up religious anti mutant hysteria resulting in a mutant bashing of a young kid. The similarities between Reverend Stryker and the likes of Fred Phelps and his “God Hates Fags” rants were obvious and timely. Also introduced around this time were anti mutant rights characters like Senator Kelley, who would try to pass laws against mutant rights. The similarities to the then in it’s infancy gay rights movement were obvious, although I doubt they were to the vast majority of the young male readership.

 

Chris Claremont introduced a lot of other elements that appealed to young gay readers like myself. The women in the 60’s Stan Lee comics were pretty much just relegated to being the girlfriend, or the member of the team with the weakest powers who was always being kidnapped and rescued by the boys. Such was the case with Marvel Girl, AKA Jean Grey. Chris Claremont took her and made her the uber powerful Phoenix, and made Storm probably the second most powerful member of the team. Just for the Diva Factor alone, X-Men appealed to me more than most comics. It should also be noted that the earliest and most prominent LGBT characters in mainstream comics (Northstar and Mystique) were introduced by Claremont in the pages of X-Men. After Claremont left the title, other queer metaphors were introduced to the book, such as a virus originating with mutants called the Legacy Virus, which eventually begins to infect normal humans and causing even more anti mutant hysteria. All of this was going on in the comics while the AIDS epidemic was at it’s worst.

The Mutants Go Hollywood. West Hollywood That Is.

The GLBT underpinnings were felt most strongly in the first two X-Men films, made by openly gay director Bryan Singer and starring openly gay actor Ian Mckellen as Magneto. Drawing largely from God Loves, Man Kills, X2 even has a scene where young Ice Man “comes out” to his family as a mutant. And while that scene may be super on the nose, I always preffered the scene where Nightcrawler (played by yet another queer, Alan Cumming) asks shape shifter Mystique why she doesn’t just look normal and try to fit in all the time, instead of her usual blue and scaly self. “Because we shouldn’t have to” She says to him. She might have been a villain, but in that scene she was my hero. The third X-Men movie tries to tackle the notion of “reparative therapy” with it’s story of a mutant “cure”, but sadly director Brett Ratner wasn’t too interested in the metaphors of the X-Men and more in the explosions. Writer Joss Whedon did a far better job of dealing with a cure for mutancy with his early run on Astonishing X-Men comics.

 

The LGBT allegories continue in the X-verse, and I doubt they are going away any time soon. In the current comics, San Fransisco has become a mutant safe haven, much as it was (and continues to be) a safe haven for gay people in real life. The Ultimate X-Men version of Colossus is queer. And in the current issues of Uncanny X-men, the state of California is trying to pass “Proposition X,” a law banning mutants from having children. Sound familiar? A lot of these parallels are indeed a bit on the nose, but if it changes the mind of one young (or old) reader to open up their minds that being different isn’t a bad thing, then I’m more than OK with it.

And regardless of all these things, the X-Men will still always go down in history as the gayest comic of all time simply for being the comic to introduce Dazzler to the world. Let’s face it, there may not be anything gayer than Dazzler.

 

 

 

 

 

This coming weekend, many gay men over 30 will all be huddled together in unison watching the long awaited narrative film version of cult documentary Grey Gardens, starring Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore. The original documentary Grey Gardens came out in 1975, nearly a quarter century before things like The Surreal Life, The Ana Nicole Show, and other such reality shows made weekly entertainment out of watching famous people have very public mental breakdowns in front of the cameras. For various reasons, Grey Gardens garnered a huge following of gay men, and now the beloved queer icons are about to be played by big Hollywood names. Can they do the real people being portrayed in the cult classic documentary justice?

 

A History of Grey Gardens

Grey Gardens is named for the estate of Edith Bouvier Beale (also known as “Big Edie”) and her daughter and namesake Edith (referred to as “Little Edie” well into her 50’s) These women were the aunt and first cousin of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis. Once rich and sort of/kind of famous, the Beales were true American Blue Bloods, the very definition of “Old Money”. Big Edie was a wannabe singer, who even managed to record a song or two in her day. Her daughter Little Edie was a fashion model, whose sole purpose in life (as it was for almost all women at the time) was to get engaged to the right man and be a good and loving housewife and socialite for the rest of her days. Despite having dated J. Paul Getty, as well as having been engaged to Joe Kennedy Junior, Little Edie never really found true love. The closest she came was when she had an affair with the married Julius Krug, then the U.S. Secretary of the Interior, while living at a dormitory for aspiring models in New York City. After the elder Edie’s husband, Phelan Beale, left his wife for another woman, the trust fund eventually ran out. Her two sons long since having moved on to their own careers and to the big city, the elder Edie asked (or forced, depending on who was asked) the younger Edie to leave New York City in 1952 and move back home. The two women then lived together at Grey Gardens, their 28 room estate in the posh East Hamptons in New York for the next 25 years. As the money slowly ran out, the mansion slowly crumbled around them, becoming a refuge to stray cats and even racoons. Eventually they even had their power and gas turned off, as the once rich and beautiful now lived in squalor and almost complete isolation from the outside world.

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In the early 70’s their living conditions were exposed as the result of tabloid articles, after a series of inspections by the Suffolk County Health Department. The Beales called these inspections “raids” and were quoted by the papers calling the inspections “the worst thing to ever happen in the history of the United States”. Considering how the Beale’s world was pretty much made up of each other and no one else, one can kind of understand just how they could come to that conclusion. With the Beales now facing eviction, or worse, their home being condemned, Jacqueline Onassis provided the necessary funds to stabilize and repair the dilapidated house so that it would meet city codes. Jackie O. had barely any contact with her aunt and cousin over the decades, but allowing them to live in squalor like that would have been too much of an emberassment and made them her bad, so she really had no choice but to help.

It was into this situation that documentarians Albert and David Maysel, fresh from making the Rolling Stones documentary Gimme Shelter, asked the Beale women if they could be allowed to film their lives as they really were. After spending six weeks with the Beales, the Maysels created what could be considered the first “train wreck cinema” documentary. Grey Gardens really has no beginning, middle or end. The camera merely follows them around, as each day was more or less the same for the Beales. They get up, feed the animals, pull out old pictures from their glory days, reminisce, listen to old music, argue, make up, and start all over again. When asked by the film makers about her former husband, Big Edie would act as if her marriage was a happy one, despite the fact that her husband left her with three children and cut off her money. Little Edie blames and yells at her mother for chasing off every male suitor that came her way, and then later contradicts her own angry sentiments by saying she never really wanted to get married in the first place. Add to all this crazy drama a house falling in on iteslf, with the local wildlife partaking of the groceries, and you begin to understand what an insane asylum that house has become. 

While the 80 something Big Edie has her share of moments in the film, like when she warbles along to one of her old records, its really Little Edie that steals the movie. Either displaying her crazy dance and modeling techniques for the camera, or wistfully pining awayfor the young single man who never came to rescue her from life with Mother, it is Little Edie who is the most tragic and fascinating figure in Grey Gardens. And then of course, there’s Little Edie’s fashion sense. Instead of wearing wigs, Little Edie instead wears a variety of scarves wrapped around her head to cover her hair loss, and inadvertently created a whole new kind of fashion. Her outfits, or “revolutionary costumes” as she likes to call them, are so out of left field its no wonder gay men love Grey Gardens so much. Little Edie’s outfits are fierce. Superstar designer Todd Oldham would later create a whole line of Little Edie’s signature look.

And as to just why gay men love Grey Gardens so much, I suppose it appeals to our love of both celebrity scandal, campy dialogue, and fierce women who create their own looks and attitudes and don’t give a flying fuck who thinks they’re wrong and need to be just like everyone else.

 

Recently there seems to be quite a Grey gardens revival, first by becoming a Tony Award winning Broadway musical in 2007, and now the new HBO version. The only sad thing is both Edies are no longer with us to enjoy their newly rediscovered fame. I can’t help but think they would have loved it, and probably would have wanted to become the country’s next big reality television stars themselves in the inevitable television follow up that would have no doubt happened, no doubt on either the Bravo or Logo networks. *Sigh* If only.

Since there has been such a thing as a Gay Community, there have been the gay “Divas” — women singers who have a left an indelible mark on the minds and hearts of queers everywhere. There probably isn’t a single female vocalist of the last century who doesn’t have a tremendous gay following, regardless of talent or lack of it (I couldn’t hit a single gay male’s Myspace profile a couple of years ago without hearing “Its Britney Bitch” played back for me). But while there are a ton of women performers who have gay followings, no one has courted her gay audience more than Madonna. And no homo has let himself be led by her like a willing lapdog for over 25 years more than me. This is the story of my Madonna obsession, and if you were a little queer boy growing up in the 80’s, there is a good chance this was your story too.

In 1984, I was ten years old. My taste in pop music was pretty much whatever MTV told me to like at the time; Duran Duran, The Eurythmics, Culture Club, Prince, you name it. (I am far, far less embarrassed by anything I loved in my preteen years than some things I liked as a teenager in the 90’s, I can admit to that much.) It was in this environment, on September 14th 1984, that I was introduced to Madonna, and was left forever changed. Ok, I kinda already knew who Madonna was before that date I’ll admit; in ’84 you couldn’t escape the songs Borderline, Holiday and especially Lucky Star, if you tried, due in no small part to the video of M. prancing around sluttily, belly button exposed, on constant rotation on MTV. But it wasn’t till September 14th of that year that everything changed. Madonna would make her live debut at the very first MTV Video Music Awards, and I would be there to see it. And by “there” I mean watching it on television like most people.

When I was a kid, we had our television in the informal dining room (classy, right?) and I watched TV there every night while eating dinner, usually with my mother or other family members running about busily around me. Of course, I wanted to know what all the kids at school were going to be talking about the next day, so I simply HAD to watch the MTV Awards. The opening act was Madonna’s live debut, as well as the debut of her new single Like A Virgin. M, dressed in a sluttier variation of a wedding dress atop a giant wedding cake, sings Like A Virgin and ends up writhing on the floor like a bitch in heat, all the while wearing rosary beads around her neck. Now, my family was never crazy religious, but I had gone to Catholic school long enough to know what was totally blasphemous. As this was taking place, my Cuban Catholic mother stopped and with this look of disgust on her face and said (in Spanish of course) “She…She looks like a streetwalker!” Of course I ask “what’s a streetwalker?” to which my mother, realizing she had backed herself into a corner where she would have to explain the sex trade to her ten year old child , simply said “A dirty, bad woman.” For the next five minutes or so, this mini rant continued “Why are you watching this? This is horrible! Is this what entertainment is these days? And then (very latina dramatically) she says “God spare us!” and storms off. The idea that someone’s sexuality, or perceived sexuality, could be so offensive and yet provacative struck some kind of chord in me. I even dare say on some level I even related. Even at such a young age, I knew people hated me for really liking boys, just as they seemed to hate Madonna for it. And I learned much, much later in life, a million other little gay boys around the country felt the same way that night. It was like a silent signal had gone off with that performance, and tons of gay youth suddenly became self aware. It’s like the gay version of that moment in Battlestar Galactica when All Along the Watchtower turns on four of the Final Five Cylons, and they suddenly know who they are.

I was obsessed now. Any time Madonna was shown or mentioned I perked up. Girls at school all started to dress like her within days of the MTV awards. Not only that, but the boys started to wear the Madonna style rubber bracelets now too. I was so happy when the popular, jock boys started to wear them, because it gave me total permission to emulate my new idol without fear of getting beat up. Women since the beginning of time have used their sexuality to sell everything, and while Madonna was hardly the first to do so, she was certainly the most blatant about it and the most successful. In the early days, Madonna rarely sang sappy love ballads, she sang lust ballads, songs about men as sex objects. FINALLY! How could a young little queer like me not sing along? Every gay boy in the world could project themselves onto Madonna. All the girls in America wanted to be Madonna, and all the guys wanted to fuck her, but the queer youth understood what she was all about on a whole other level, even if we didn’t really get it about ourselves yet. We might not have fully understood why we wanted that belt buckle that said “Boy Toy”, we just know we wanted it. And now, twenty five years later, when most the Madonna Wannabe girls are soccer moms who voted for Bush, and straight men totally forgot all about her around the time she hit 30, it’s the gay audience who has never abandoned her. And its because she never abandoned us.

From the earliest days of her career, Madonna has been forthcoming and honest about her gay culture influences, and back in the 80’s she was at the forefront of the fight against AIDS, way before the red ribbons or Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. Vogueing was something started by drag queens in the inner city that she brought to the mainstream. And with dance music being such a huge part of gay culture, there is almost no way she couln’t have turned into a gay icon. Even though Madonna was dismissed as being a flash in the pan, Madonna proved everyone wrong by producing hit after hit after hit. And with each new song and video, I would become excited seeing what each new look was going to be. Blonde? Brunnette? Redhead? Pink hair?? Madonna’s constant changing of looks could be considered my first exposure to Drag Queens, even if this one just so happened to be a real woman.

Madonna is not the greatest singer in the world, or the best songwriter, by her own admission. She’s a good dancer, but there are better. Lord knows she can’t act for shit. Yet somehow, Madonna has produced some of the best works of pop music of the past 25 years. In the world of Top 40 Dance/Pop, no one has been as consistent as Madonna. (And if you say “what about Mariah Carey?” then please don’t ever make eye contact with me.) Twenty Five years later, I’m still waiting for the next Madonna to be the Heir to the Pop throne. People like Britney, Christina, JLo and the like all adopted the sex part of Madonna’s act (without ever doing anything as ballsy as putting out a coffee table book of their own pornography I might add), but none have adopted the politics or the style. And none have been influenced as much by gay culture as Madonna. And no, hiring mostly gay back up dancers doesn’t count. Until then I look forward to seeing what Madonna’s going to sing/wear/ say just like I did when I was ten years old, and with the same excitement. It might be a disaster, but at least it won’t be boring. And hopefully Madonna will continue to offend all the right people.