Guilty Pleasures: Tales From the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood
Sometimes bad isn’t necessarily a bad thing… but too much of a bad thing can be bad. That being said, I’m proud of what I love.
BORDELLO OF BLOOD
In 1989 HBO aired 6 episodes of their new TV series. It was a horror series based off of the infamously controversial EC Comic Books “Tales From the Crypt”. While I’m sure it was expected to be a popular show, no one could have predicted exactly how popular.
I remember in elementary school knowing about the show. It seemed like every kid on the playground knew about it. My parents even would sometimes let me stay up just late enough to watch the opening credits and the introduction from the Crypt Keeper, still one of the coolest looking puppets ever. But I never saw an actual episode until I was a senior in high school and caught a rerun on Sci-Fi.
When a show is as massively popular as Tales from the Crypt, it’s bound to begin spin-offs. There were albums, toys and even an animated series for kids. And of course there were movies. The original Tales from the Crypt movie Demon Knight was well received and thus a sequel was made.
The sequel was the critically despised Bordello of Blood, a bizarre story involving vampire whores, midget archeologists, rocking priests and Dennis Miller. What’s ironic is that while Demon Knight was more critically praised, Bordello of Blood was the one that felt the most like an episode of Tales from the Crypt.
The story begins with Vincent (Phil Fondacaro) exploring a forest when he and his group find the coffin of Lilith; the mother of all vampires. Using an artifact key which gives him control over her, he brings her to the United states.
We jump storylines to Katherine (Erika Elenika), a religious woman who produces a show with Reverend J.C. Current (Chris Sarandon), and lives with her fuck-up of a brother Corey Feldman (pretending his name is Caleb). Corey and his friend go to the titular Bordello and end up dead (or should I say UNDEAD mwahahahaha). Katherine, being understandably concerned about the whole missing brother thing, hires private detective Rafe Guttman (Dennis Miller) to find out here he went.
There’s a batch of absurd twists and turns throughout the film that I’ll leave for you to enjoy when you watch it for yourself.
So let’s start with the bad (for which there is plenty). The film is awful in so many ways. The acting is bad, the one-liners are lame, the plot is completely absurd and it features Corey Feldman. Now the good: this film is pure 80’s gold (but just happened to be made in 1996). The acting is bad, the one-liners are lame, the plot is completely absurd and it features Corey Feldman. Every single reason to hate this movie, is the same reason to love this movie.
Dennis Miller had a short lived acting career, so short that he frequently refers to this film as his Magnum Opus.
The film has never even really found a cult following which I find a little disappointing, because the movie is just fun. Much like how I feel about even the worst episodes of Tales from the Crypt, they always had a sense of style and fun. Absurd doesn’t begin to describe this film but if you’re not at least chuckling at the pure insanity of Dennis Miller running around a whorehouse blowing up topless vampires with super-soakers filled with holy water, then this movie just isn’t going to be your cup of tea. But to me, it is and I’m damn proud of it.
