Top Five Worst Movie Strippers

Spring is here! And for those of us who don’t live in Southern California where the temperature freakishly stays the same all year round, that means it’s starting to get warm. I say celebrate the return of bikini weather by showing some skin—more specifically, movie skin. Yup, that’s right, kiddos, let’s explore the glamorous world of movie strippers together. Since making fun of things is infinitely more entertaining than praising them, I’ve narrowed it down to the top five worst movie strippers. Don’t agree with me? Well, how does it feel to be wrong, jackass?

 

Jenna Jameson as Kat in Zombie Strippers
Zombie Strippers is one of those new-wave bad movies that is so “clever” and “smart” that it actually knows it’s bad. As if you couldn’t tell, those air quotes represent how much I want to physically stab movies like this. If you know what you’re making is bad, then what’s the point of even doing it? It’s my inherent problem with Grindhouse and other films of this ilk.

Back to the topic at hand…as the title of this movie suggests it’s about some kind of virus that escapes into a strip club and turns all the strippers into zombies. The main stripper is Kat, played by none other than porn star Jenna Jameson. We know that Kat’s interesting and unique because in the opening scene she is shown reading the collective works of Nietzsche. *Points index finger at temple and pulls thumb trigger*

It’s not necessarily that Jameson makes a terrible stripper, it’s just that we’ve seen her naked so many times that at this point it’s about as thrilling as watching a 2 hour marathon of C-SPAN Senate coverage. Overall, this makes for a very dull movie. Plus, she’s decaying through most of it and that’s just hard to get behind (unless you’re a necrophiliac or a goth kid). In the end, Zombie Strippers is like porn that you can’t get off to and that’s about as stupid as watching Baywatch for the erudite storytelling.

Lindsay Lohan as Dakota Moss in I Know Who Killed Me
It pains me to reveal I actually watched this entire movie. I literally sat down on my couch, made some popcorn, and watched the whole f-ing thing. Granted, I was just hoping to get a glimpse of Lohan’s boobs (I’m sick, people), but watching this film may just be the most regretful two hours that I have spent in the last few years.

Li Lo (as I call her) plays two characters/personalities—the troubled teen Aubrey Fleming and the renegade bad girl Dakota Moss. I could get into the intricacies of the plot, but frankly I just don’t care and neither do you. I do remember that there’s something about a serial killer and mutilation in there somewhere. The point is all this double personality/two person mumbo jumbo gives the filmmakers the excuse to have Lohan moonlight as a stripper. Normally, I’d be all for nonsensical plot devices that somehow lead to nudity, but in this case the movie is so badly written, directed, shot, and paced that it makes you wonder if they were paying the filmmakers in heroin instead of actual money. To top it off, Lohan doesn’t actually strip, instead opting for the “walk-in-a-bikini-while-awkwardly-swaying-to-the-music” technique. She looks about as sexy as an epileptic burn victim.

Natalie Portman as Alice in Closer
Natalie Portman may be obscenely cute, but at the same time she does have the body of an anorexic 13 year-old boy. That’s usually not a good attribute when it comes to the exotic dancing profession. So, while in theory the 2004 film Closer—which feature’s Ms. Portman as a stripper—might seem like the greatest movie ever made, it is an actuality both disappointing and somewhat annoying, much like new episodes of Saturday Night Live. 

Just as Lohan did in I Know Who Killed Me, Portman chooses to follow the annoying methodology of “I’m-gonna-strip-but-not-get-naked.” Pardon my French, but that’s a load of crap. We get it, Natalie, you’re a serious actress who doesn’t want to be objectified on screen. Well, quite frankly, don’t take a role as a stripper! In fact, the whole movie is filled with tons of foul-mouthed people only talking about very dirty and disgusting topics. I imagine it’s what porn must be like for blind people. Well, Ms. Portman, they have a word for strippers who dance around in bikinis and keep their hands over their chest: fired.

Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium from Dusk till Dawn
Salma Hayek’s strip scene in from Dusk til Dawn starts out all peachy. Ms. Hayek (who’s absolutely gorgeous) dances around in an awesome bikini with a snake wrapped around her. At that moment, it seems that things can’t really get much more perfect. But, just as you begin to…um…enjoy the show, all heck breaks loose and she turns into a hideous, blood sucking vampire. Basically, it’s what I envision sex with Angelina Jolie to be like. While Hayek has the perfect physique for stripping, the whole “I’m actually an undead demon” thing really sways the tide against her. Thus, she earns a spot on this list. I will say, however, I do wish that Salma Hayek would play with my snake. *nudges guy next to him with elbow* Gnome what I’m saying, boyz?!

Elizabeth Berkley as Nomi Malone in Showgirls
At this point, making fun of Showgirls is like picking on the fat kid who sits in the back of the school bus—it’s been done so many times that it actually feels a little pathetic. But, considering I lack a true moral compass, I thought I’d lay yet another storm of insults on this infamous 90’s camp classic.

Without a doubt, this movie is just crap. Saved by the Bell’s Elizabeth Berkley stars as Nomi Malone, a young and hot drifter trying to make it in the fast-paced and seedy Las Vegas scene. Sure, this film is full of nudity and awesomely awkward sex, but in the end it’s almost as if Showgirls isn’t so much a movie as it is an elaborate exercise in bad taste. Therefore, Ms. Berkley takes the top spot on this list. Now, if only they could have gotten Kelly Kapowski to star. Then, this movie would have been art.